A/N: It's always struck me as odd that a lot of fics decide on Casey and/or Olivia's sexuality, but don't seem to get into it. Either it is referenced as truth or the topic is avoided all together. I didn't want that, thus we have Casey and Olivia transparent about their own.

Inspired by "Night," season 6, episode 20.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Law & Order: SVU, its characters, or storylines. I make no money from this work of fiction, that is inspired by an episode, but otherwise created from my own mind. Any relation or resemblance to another story or a real life instance is purely coincidence.

Recovery

Chapter 12

kateandharvey

Satisfied she had the attention of the ADA, Olivia swallowed thickly. "How…uh… how did you know?"

Oh. Oh, we're doing this now. Okay. The thoughts ran through the redhead's mind and she immediately closed her book, popping in the bookmark and setting it on the table in front of her. She sighed in preparation for what would be a long conversation, and tried not to get her hopes up. Clearly, the brunette was asking her this question for a reason, and she hoped that reason would fall in her favor.

She had always been open with Olivia. She had no trouble sharing her deepest fears or her lowest points of self-confidence. However, this was the one thing the sex crimes detective didn't know. It was a territory she had never ventured into, and there was something both calming and worrisome about the conversation ahead.

Taking a breath, she said, honestly, "For a long time, I didn't." Scanning the face of the woman before her, she gauged if she was supposed to continue. Feeling that she was, she added, "I dated men for most of my life. I had some small attractions to women, but never anything I felt was out of the ordinary, for lack of a better way to put it." The brunette was looking at her intently, "I was with Charlie, as you know," she gestured to the woman, "and up until I met Steph, I thought I was only attracted to men."

The brunette seemed taken aback by this, and little did Casey know, but she was. Olivia was lost in her own thoughts after this, thinking of how she'd spent most of her life attracted to men, and now this iron in the fire had turned everything on its side.

While it was true she was afraid of jumping in feet first with the ADA for the simple reason of risking a friendship, she was also holding back for everything that came with it. If her impressions were right, the redhead seemed interested in exploring, and not at all worried about the potential repercussions. Olivia couldn't live that way. There were so many dominoes stacked, one after the other, with a decision like this, and even if she were to throw caution to the wind and jump, she couldn't make logical sense of what would happen when they all started to fall.

While the situation they were in wasn't ideal, the detective also knew that it would come to an end sooner or later and no longer be an issue. Anderson would not exist on the run forever, and consequently, they would not be here sharing living quarters until the end of time. However, there was more than just their less-than-perfect physical proximity that she was considering.

Internally, there was the friendship and Olivia's own defense mechanisms that seemed to end every committed relationship before it even left the ground. Along with that, the detective wasn't sure what a decision like this would mean about who she was. The kiss in the bedroom that the two women had shared left her brain scrambled as it was, let alone diving into a romantic relationship with the woman. If, as a woman, she was in a relationship with another, what would it mean? She had to know where she stood beforehand. Casey was sure of herself and what she wanted, and the last thing Olivia would want to do is agree to the coupling only to have to tell her that she wasn't gay.

As if these weren't reasons enough, there was also life outside of these four walls and the bond they shared. They worked in close proximity, and the last thing the brunette would want would be for either of them to have to give up careers doing what they love. Furthermore, if the relationship was as real as the detective already suspected it would be, what were they to do when it was time to make it legal? They would have to disclose, and that would mean also showcasing what they did behind closed doors for everyone to see.

Olivia shuttered to think of the social consequences they would face, both as representatives for the law. Casey clearly had not come out publicly, and she wondered if the reception of the DA's office was part of the reason.

Clearly having been quiet for a while, the counselor grew worried about the other woman, and sighed. While she could appreciate Olivia's exploration of her own sexuality, she feared that the logical and linear thinking detective was trying to hard to fit everything into a nice square box that could be tied off.

At first, the ADA was worried that she would scare the brunette away, and her own insecurities and fear of commitment would send her running. Now, however, the opposite seemed to be happening, and Casey was all too knowledgeable on the equal amount of damage it could cause. "Olivia," she softly broke the thoughts of the other woman with a gentle tone, "Will you come sit with me?"

It was the look on the redhead's face that caused the detective to slowly rise from her chair, wordlessly move over to the couch, and—only after the other woman had swung her legs down from it—sit next to her. When she was seated, Casey reached forward, grasping a hand in between her own, and swallowed thickly. Gently, so quiet that Olivia could barely hear her, she asked, "Why did you kiss me?"

The brunette's eyes snapped from their examination of the hands holding hers, flying to the face of the other woman. Expecting to see accusatory eyes, she was pleasantly surprised when she found nothing but open support shining through the green orbs. She took a breath, struggling with an answer. The ADA didn't push her. She allowed her the time to gather herself, and after long moments, the detective let a glimmer of light shine through the wall around her heart, and almost as quiet as the question was asked, answered, "I wanted to."

Feeling overwhelmed by the situation, and the current conversation bringing everything to the surface, Olivia felt her nose growing stiff and the pressure behind her eyes, indicating tears were soon to come. She closed her eyes, wiling them back, not now, not in front of her, but it didn't help. Soon, a single drop fell from her left eye, and the hand the redhead was holding was squeezed affectionately.

"Tell me what you're thinking about," Olivia heard from the other woman, "please."

She opened her eyes to find the soft green ones of the ADA, looking at her with concern. Up until this point, the detective had been nothing but strong. She'd brought the counselor home from the hospital, she'd taken care of her, helped her up and down, tucked her into bed, and even washed her hair. She'd pushed down her own feelings every second of the short time they had been here together, always putting the needs of the other woman first. She'd been a good cop, a strong bodyguard, and a great friend.

Before the last 48 hours, Olivia had always ignored the feeling that the redhead felt an attraction to her. She had brushed it away with any small pang of excitement at a hug that lasted too long or a leg that sat too close. She'd kept her sanity and her focus for the sake of herself, the other woman, their friendship, and their lives.

Up until the moment they shared in the bedroom, the detective had a perfect record, and while there wasn't much alone time at present, she had spent what little she had trying to convince herself that all of this was a horrible idea and that if she could just keep pushing forward, she could make sure that they both made it out of here with their friendship in tact and their bond still alive.

But now, she was here, looking at Casey as she held her hand, and Olivia had no misunderstandings that what she saw in the emerald green eyes was concern, care, and hurt. This entire time, the brunette had thought she was doing them both a favor. She thought that the farther she kept the counselor away, the better off they would both be, and it wasn't until this moment and this view, that she realized the only things she was accomplishing was her own torment and adding insult to injury for her closest friend.

It was this that caused her to inhale deeply, and let the woman into her thoughts. "I'm… I'm a little uncomfortable because I'm in unchartered territory." Casey nodded as to accept this, and she continued. "I'm thinking about how I don't open up to people, and about how scared this makes me. I'm thinking about how I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm thinking of how safe and comfortable you make me feel, and about everything you said before, about feeling a connection between us, and how it wasn't stupid at all, but also about how odd this is and how risky because there's so many things I don't have an answer to."

The redhead was about to respond when she continued, "I'm thinking about how I'm more terrified than I've ever been, and I can't jump into this feet first, but I simply cannot lose you from my life." She shook her head, "I asked you about your background because I can't wrap my head around what's going on, and I'm trying to find a way to organize my feelings." She sighed, "Last night, when we…" her eyes darted away, "when we kissed, it felt like the most natural thing in the world, but I also feel like you are so sure about it, and I'm just not and that worries me." Finding the redhead's eyes again, "I don't want to lose you, but I certainly don't want to hurt you, either."

Pleasantly surprised did not do justice to what Casey was feeling after hearing Olivia's declaration. For the first time since they'd met, she was not making an educated guess about where the detective's head was at. The fact that she was being so open, trusting, and transparent with her thoughts made Casey thrilled and also feel like the luckiest woman on earth. "Thank you," she said, referring to the sharing of the brunette, "I know that wasn't easy for you." She took a breath, "You're right. I was sure about it last night, and I'm sure about it now." The ADA squeezed the hand in hers, "Everything with you feels so right, Olivia. I don't have all of the answers either, but as cliché as it may sound, I'm not worried about them as long as I have you."

"I don't know if I'm gay," the brunette whispered.

"No one is asking you to be." Casey smiled. "If there's anything I've learned, it's that identity is complicated, and you can't fit it perfectly into any box." The way Olivia looked at her made her hopeful. "This doesn't have to be some stark and clear contrast decision," she explained, "You're not going to say 'okay' and then be suddenly shoved into a car on the way to the courthouse with me." The detective smiled at this, "I just really like your company, and I enjoyed myself when that company turned into something more. And while I am pretty sure about this, it doesn't mean I'm not scared, too… But I do want to see where this is and where it could go."

They sat for a moment, both enjoying the comfortable knowledge that just maybe, they were getting somewhere.

Swallowing thickly, Olivia asked, "Have you wondered what would've happened if Cragen hadn't called?"

The ADA nearly scoffed. "No," at the detective's deflated look, "I don't have to wonder."

The brunette immediately felt heat course through her entire body. Her insides tightened while her palms grew sweaty and her throat thick. She could feel the warmth climb up from her stomach, making her chest red and bothered. A shade of pink brushed across her cheeks, and when she stole a glance at the counselor, she saw her own blush mirrored on the porcelain skin.

"You're still recovering," she said, as if it was a fair argument.

"And?"

The pink cheeks grew deeper in shade and it suddenly felt like the heat had been turned up.

"What do you want, Olivia?" The way Casey asked the question seemed positively coy, and whether she meant it to be or not, the detective knew the fire she was trying to avoid was quickly rekindling.

Looking at the beautiful redhead with the enchanting green eyes, high cheekbones, and flawless curves, the brunette could think of how warm her skin was and what it felt like to have their lips pressed together.

"I want to try," she said, "but I need you to be patient with me." Trying not to let her grin break out as it wanted, Casey nodded, again squeezing the hand in her own. The detective continued, "I've never… done this before, and I'm flying blindly."

"I'm not going to hurt you," the ADA promised, releasing the hand she held to gently cup the other woman's face. The detective's own hand came up to cover that of the redhead's, and she smiled softly. "But we also have to be honest with each other, okay? No hiding or beating around the bush."

The other woman nodded, both of their hands falling from the skin of her cheek, and she felt the weight release from her shoulders.

Maybe they would both finally get the happiness they deserved.