ShiKahr, Vulcan, Stardate 2292.300

Losha awoke that morning with a sense of finality. He was done with doctors' appointments and expected to be leaving Vulcan within the next few days. During their conversation in the car the afternoon before, he'd almost got the feeling his grandfather wanted him to stay. He couldn't be sure, though. He supposed with time one could learn to read a Vulcan. Not in the way one could read a Seenan or human or anyone else, but after a fashion. How frustrating it was to live on a planet surrounded by people who were so unreadable.

After breakfast, he pulled Malar aside to let her know they'd be leaving Vulcan by the end of the week. He'd said nothing the night before because he'd wanted to give Selar time to make arrangements. That made it seem more real.

"We don't have to leave, just because Sarek has business. I'd like to check out some hotels anyway. You know I hate sending clients places I haven't been to myself. We could go to Vulcana Regar - I've had a number of potential clients ask about it. It's more of a commercial city than a tourist place, but I'm sure we can find plenty to do there."

Losha opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again.

"But we can go wherever. You decide. This is your home, after all." Malar smiled.

"It's not my home. It was my ancestors' home - that's not the same thing." Losha pressed on. "But it's time Naalem got back to school."

"He can continue to do his studies remotely. This is a great opportunity for him."

"I can always bring him back here someday." Losha countered.

"But we're here now. Why come all this way and not make the most of it?"

"I need to get back to work too."

"You're on indefinite leave! Presumed permanent!" Malar gave him an incredulous look.

"I need to get back. If I'm gone too long, it will be that much harder once I do return."

"You've really changed, you know." She looked at him intently. "I mean, we've all changed. Everyone changes, of course. That's life. But this is different…You've never been afraid of change, Losha. I always admired you for that. I used to wish I had your resilience."

"You admired me? But look at you. You're never afraid of anything, least of all change. And it's not that I'm afraid of change." It wasn't. Or at least he didn't think it was. But what it was, well, that was difficult to pinpoint.

"I put on a good front." Malar smiled and shook her head. "But why are you in such a hurry to get back? Granted, this place isn't Risa, but we've hardly had the chance to see any of it. All those years you wanted to get off Senes and now you're in a hurry to get back there. All those times you told me about when you were in orbit of Vulcan and wished you could go down. Now here we are and you want to leave."

"I can't explain it. I just feel uncomfortable here. New places are always uncomfortable in the beginning, but this is different. I always wanted to come here, but not under these circumstances. I think I will come back someday, but on my own."

Malar put a hand on his shoulder. "It should have occurred to me that you'd want to come here on your own. I guess I got caught up in the excitement. I understand." She looked at him intently. "But there is something else, isn't there?"

Losha sighed. He'd become quite good at hiding his feelings from Malar, but he wasn't always successful.

"This place, these people, they forced my father to leave. And my mother obviously felt that she had no choice but to leave. I can't forgive them for that. Before, I understood that. But now that I'm here, it makes it real. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"And I can't forgive Sarek for abandoning my father. I can appreciate what he's done for me, but I still can't forgive him."

"Your father didn't fit in here. He had to leave, but I don't see how that's your grandfather's fault. Society's fault, but not one man's fault."

The story that Losha had been holding in for days came pouring out. How Sarek had made no effort to see his son after he'd been born. How he'd been aware of his existence, but hadn't cared. How this was clearly part of the reason Sybok had left Vulcan. Who could blame him? His own father hadn't been interested in him.

"I have a feeling that he didn't tell you everything. There's more to the story than you're aware," Malar said very matter-of-factly.

"How do you know? If there were, why didn't he tell me?"

"You are definitely more resilient than I am, but you've never been very intuitive. I say that as your friend." She smiled that sarcastic smile he was so familiar with.

"I know that I'm not as intuitive as you are. You have a gift for that. So why do you think there is more to the story?" Losha looked at her inquisitively.

"I knew your father. Did he ever seem like he had abandonment issues?"

"No, of course not. He was...well, you know...He was on such a different plane than the rest of us that things like that didn't even enter his mind."

"No, they didn't. And unlike me, he wasn't just pretending." She laughed again. "He was even more resilient than you."

"That doesn't mean that it was right for his own father to abandon him."

"So you're angry on his behalf even though he wouldn't have been angry?"

"Yes." Losha laughed. "I know the point you are trying to make. But just because my father didn't care, doesn't mean it was the right thing to do and that I should forgive him for it."

"I know you've read a lot about Vulcan history, but you don't really understand them, do you?"

"No, I don't understand them!" Losha was beginning to get irritated with Malar. "You know that. I suppose you think you do?"

"I think I have a better understanding of them than you do. They don't go against the rules, they don't stir the pot. If they do, well, we know what happens then. They accept things, even if they don't like them, because that's the way things are. I'm not sure that any other Vulcans would have done differently than Sarek did. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing. Maybe he thought there was no point in going against your grandmother's wishes. Just because he accepted it, didn't mean he liked it. Even we Seenans have to accept things we don't like at times."

Losha let out a frustrated sigh. "If I had a child, I wouldn't just accept that!"

"Did you tell him that?"

"Of course not."

"Why not?" Malar was perfectly serious.

"I'm kind of afraid of him." Losha laughed. It was silly, being afraid of an old man. But he was so intimidating.

"That isn't like you either. I suppose it's different when it's your family. You haven't exactly been forthcoming with me lately, so I don't know what you've been thinking. I wish you'd tell me."

"I don't even know what I'm thinking. It just doesn't seem real. I only know that I don't feel comfortable here. I want to go home. Maybe I'll come back when I've had more time to think about it."

"In that case, let's make the most of the time we have." She smiled widely at him.

He returned the smile, though not quite as enthusiastically.

"I'll let you finish getting ready then." She turned and left the bedroom.

He followed her to the door, intending to wash up, but he paused. Something was different. The anger he'd been feeling at Sarek had changed something inside of him. He felt as if, for the moment at least, he'd been lifted out of the fog that had surrounded him for so long he'd forgotten what it was like to not be in it. Something very much like a little bee buzzing in his head was telling him that he needed reconsider everything he'd been feeling and thinking. Malar was right - he was typically very resilient. He thrived on change - staying the same was what he had once feared the most. And typically, no one intimidated him. He wasn't as confident or as bold as Malar, but he'd never been timid or shy. What was happening to him? Was this all because of the accident? He'd read that people's personalities often changed after head injuries. He'd certainly been depressed since then. But he had to admit that he'd been in a rut even before the accident. He needed to reflect on this.

But Malar was also right that they needed to make the most of their time left, especially for Naalem's sake. For Amanda's as well. She seemed to genuinely enjoy Naalem's company. He supposed she longed for grandchildren the way many older women do and since Naalem had no grandparents, it worked out perfectly well. How lonely it must be for her here most of the time, he thought. With that thought, he hurried off to the washroom.

Author's Note:

I try to thank everyone who leaves feedback via PM, but since Madeleine, LORIOVER50, and Texas Cow Girl don't have accounts, I am thanking you here. Thanks again to those I've already messaged via PM and to my beta reader, TomFoolery.