Author´s note: Wow, thank you so much for the overwhelming feedback. I´d like to briefly comment on each of your reviews, but since many are guest reviews, I hope the people this concerns will be able to find a reply to theirs. :) I will be doing this in chronological order, maybe that helps. Btw, I really like giving personal remarks on the reviews, just to say thanks often or to answer questions and comment etc. so if you want to make it easier if you leave a review as a guest add a name so you´ll be able to find your personal response more easily. :) That´s not a must of course.

Guest: (On season 4) Thank you. It´s the effect I am trying to aim at, I want to make it sound and feel natural, like a natural continuation of the show. Thanks for the compliment. :)

Guest (real life events) That´s part of the fascination of this fandom to me and I´ll keep doing this, mingling real life events with the romance story. I find American politics interesting and think it would be a waste to not use things like this to give the story more substance. Also, to me, Fitz becomes a more logical character with it, because I think only when considering and putting a spotlight on what insane job a president really has it becomes logical why he sometimes reacts emotionally like he does or shows signs of being on the edge, possibly also due to stress. Plus, I just find things like that fascinating.

Guest (How could you stop) Hehe, you´ll yet learn that I do love me some cliffhangers ;-)

Guest (dumb Liv) Well, those are not the words I´d choose obviously, but I think their sometimes overdramatized interaction and relationship is a big chunk of the fascination of this show which basically has the main guy caught between two not entirely sane women even though i´d say Mellie would win the Miss Crazy any day…

Guest (wanted to cry) Hehe, I feel mean saying this, but I see that as a compliment. Moving a reader to tears that is ;)

Jazphase: Hm, not sure about that. I kind of don´t really believe in using pregnancy to make a point or create extra drama in a story which is what undoubtedly would happen. Plus, at least that´s how I see it, I do not think that Liv (even if she is sleeping with Jake to try and fool herself into being able to start anew) would not take the necessary precautions right now, in her situation…

Guest (love yours story): Thanks so much, hope you´ll keep enjoying it.

LoreneMichelle41: Thanks for the nice feedback and yes as I said earlier, the ISIS element seemed like a nice touch to me, a possibility to give the story and situation more depth and actually have them handle some issues besides "just" the romance drama.

Chapter 6 - Secrets

It was strange how the rain that had been such a mirror image of her mood just moments ago, the constant downpour of drops reflecting her own self pity, but had suddenly turned into something that almost had the quality of music; raindrops rhythmically, elatedly almost drumming onto the pavement and the cars, almost making her want to dance.

It was a feeling as irrational as her self-loathing and as the insecurity she had felt earlier, as illogical as her running in circles and her yelling at Jake after he had merely contributed to her mission to hide from who she knew she never really wanted to hide from. There had been times and she was sure there always would be when Fitz would drive her mad and make her angry but at the same time, just as inevitably, it was as that little phone call had made her realize once more that she could not be complete without him. Just like he had said for himself. Fate was a strange thing and Olivia didn´t really believe in it – she believed in her ability to shape and create her own life, to have a say in what happened and how things turned out but Fitz and her always seemed just a little away from that orderly scheme. Fitz and her had never been predictable and foreseeable that way. Maybe that was part of the charm.

She had hailed a taxi shortly after and on the way back to her apartment had rewound the conversation, short as it had been in her head over and over again. She was aware she had been crying, but gladly the rain had done a good job masking that so the cab driver never asked any questions or gave her any funny looks – unlike that one woman had, obviously overhearing part of her conversation and of course unable to sort in what was going on or who the young sad woman was talking to. "Hey darling," she had called over her from a short distance, then touched her arm in sympathy. "if he makes you cry he´s not worth it, eh?" Her gentle smile and the little wink had apparently aimed at cheering up the young stranger in the white coat and she had partly succeeded, at least Olivia had had to smile a bit at the older women´s words – but mostly just because she wondered how she would react if he knew who she was talking to.

"Here we are Ma´am, that´s 19 Euros, please" the cab driver announced, slowing down and halting the car in front of the fine looking apartment building, tossing a glance into the rear mirror. For a moment Olivia considered telling him to drive on. But to take her where? She´d have to map out a plan because right now she had no idea what to do and that bugged her. Olivia Pope who had still had a grip on her life had always known what to do, had always been able to set a plan of action but she caught herself thinking that right now her only plan of action was to hear Fitz´ voice again because call her he would, she was sure about it. The problem in the way of that was, as the light behind the windows clearly suggested, that she was not alone "at home" to have that conversation in the peace and quiet she would have liked to have. She herself had no clear idea of why she had allowed Jake to follow her onto that plane. She knew it wasn´t love, knew with a certainty she had not felt in a while that love indeed belong to another, but no matter what her motives had really been – probably an unwillingness to start a new life alone, to truly leave everything behind – she didn´t think Fitz would instantly grasp the complexity of that. She hated the thought of lying to him there, but decided that hiding Jake´s presence, the fact that they were sharing an apartment, was not a good topic for a conversation she longed for more than anything she had wanted in the last two weeks.

He must have heard her turn the keys, because he had gotten up from the sofa where he had probably been sitting for a while, waiting. He had tried to call her on her phone but she had not answered it. "Liv!" His voice sounded both relieved and slightly angered. "I was worried for you, where have you been?"

"I´m a big girl, Jake, I went for a walk and now I´m back, there is no reason to worry about me."

He frowned a bit. "You´re still angry because of the photos? Are you planning to give me this treatment for..how long?"

She took off her coat, picking her cell phone out of her pocket before hanging the coat on a hanger. "No it is not and yes it is. I don´t like it when things are being withheld from me Jake."

He gave her that look he had given her earlier. "Things you withheld from yourself and with good reason. Look at you, Liv. You´re soaked from the rain, a few photographs, a little thinking about him and you run off without telling me where to."

"You are not my babysitter, Jake."

She was maybe being unfair there, showing that kind of sharp tone against him, but a big part of her reaction was anger at herself, anger at her attempts to hide for the last fortnight, anger at her own way to try and get away from It all and anger at the fact that even though she had just decided this had been the wrong path, she still had no idea what would be a better alternative.

"I am not." he said. "but you agreed to come here so I guess you didn´t mind my intervention too much." He walked towards her a bit, raised a hand to brush a strand of her still damp hair from her face and all of a sudden he seemed so manipulative, so false to her that she shrank away. He didn´t follow but continued. "It was you who first talked about going away, Liv. You should not forget that. I decided to come with you. Think about all the crap, all the madness we left behind. You know none of us want to return to that so…" now he did do a step further and she did one back as well, finding the wall behind her. "…we should accept the reality of this being tough, of starting anew being tough, but it will change. You´ll get over him, Liv."

She shook her head, slightly, stepped away. "I´ll be sleeping in the other bedroom." she said, stepping away and she heard him stop in his tracks after he had apparently tried to follow her, realizing what her words implied, what her reaction implied and what it meant she had been home so late. "Please, tell me you didn´t call him."

"I really don´t want to discuss this, Jake. Accept this, okay?"

"You did? Liv, seriously?"

"Jake…."

He raised his hands in defiant gesture. "Liv you need to.."

"I need to have some time of my own tonight, Jake." she said and closed the door behind her, leaning against her with her back. She could hear him step up. There had been a time, up till earlier this day even when she had reluctantly appreciated his closeness, knowing it wasn´t right and feeling bad for accepting the cheap relief it gave her soul only to later amplify her guilt and longing. But right now, knowing he was on the other side of the door she suddenly realized there was more than a wall dividing them. "Liv." His voice was soft again, but somewhat pleading. Calm. Jake was mostly calm. Always seemed rational and what he said made sense. Whereas Fitz just like her was someone that could be driven out of his mind. Would yell and pout and nearly stamp his feet. But maybe that made it all the harder. Maybe that made it all the more dangerous, all the more tempting that indeed it would be so much easier with Jake. So much easier to start anew, don the white hat…. How messed up was her life, she thought, if she considered the guy who had run that secret, messed up organization as the more reasonable choice of a partner? Truly messed up, she decided. Because that was just what her head told her, her reason. And even that was faulty. Her heart and gut told her different. Her heart and gut made her take out her phone as she slid down the door to sit with her back against it, looking at the small screen. And she usually trusted her gut even though she wished she could always trust it. Like she once had. "You should sleep, Liv." he said from the other side of the door. "Things will look better tomorrow. A new start is always hard but I´m here. You know I´m here if you want to… if you want anything." So soothing. So rational. She closed her eyes to shake it off.

"Good night, Jake."

She could hear him heave a small sigh and walk away.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

She must have been staring at the display for minutes, long minutes, maybe quarter an hour or more. Still wearing her boots and she nearly dozed off staring at the display. She knew he´d call. He had told her and she knew he had been as desperate to hear her voice, talk to her, as she had, maybe even more so. He would call…would he?

She answered the phone before the sound even gave it away, clicking the answer call field right when it began to flash.

"Hey."

"There was a time when we used to start our conversations like that. Good times."

She could hear fatigue in his voice as well as a smile. For a moment her desire to see that smile was enarly overbearing.

"Good times." she repeated.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Now it was her turn to smile. "I have been looking at my phone for the last 20 minutes or so. Don´t tell anyone. And I never just admitted that."

A light chuckle, slightly joyless. He did sound so strained. Her fault? It had to be, because in the end it was always her, wasn´t it? She was the eye of the storm. "Not a word." he said.

"You sound tired."

"Bit of a rough day I´m afraid. I have a rather stressful job as you might know."

"And there I was thinking at least Cy would give you less of a hard time without me being around to be a distraction for your noble causes." She could feel herself smile a bit.

"There are people in the Middle East who unfortunately don´t share Cy´s philosophy there…"

"The ISIS thing?"

"Yes. I wish you were here. I´d ask you for advice." It was obvious to her that part of the reason he was addressing this, something they could talk about as professionals was so they would not have to talk about what really stood in the room so to say. Jerry. How Fitz was coping. She went along with it.

"I am no expert on foreign politics."

"You´ve good perfectly good intuition. It can help to get an idea of someone who observes things from the outside. Did you follow the news?"

"I avoided them to be honest."

A pause. Did he just sigh? It was hard to tell.

"We´re considering an air strike." he then said. "A few camps close to Baghdad. It´s quite likely we could land a few good hits, beat them back, at least hold the tide for a while, maybe break their momentum at best. But…"

"You´re not sure."

"I´m not sure. Tell me what you think."

She smiled, got up from the door, made a few paces into the room, her brain automatically kicking into the mode of the fixer. "You´re expecting me to solve an international crisis situation Fitzgerald Grant? Over the phone?"

"It´s a secure line" he gave back as if this was the most evident of reactions to her question.

"Fitz…"

"I just…would appreciate your input, that´s all. You´re….you steady me. I feel more secure when you´re around. I can focus better. You left. You took my focus with me." His words sounded accusing but with the trace of a smile she was sure he was wearing right now.

"Where are you?"

"The Oval. I´ll have a call with the Iraqi president later. Consider our options."

"Good." No expert as she had said, but instantly feeling him. It was so easy it amazed her. The connection was there, despite everything and despite the distance. "Get your options, get an opinion from someone outside the Joint Chiefs and from within, then compare. Find a common denominator. It´s just a problem, Fitz. You can fix it."

He chuckled. "Olivia Pope, you think you can fix the Middle East that easily?"

"No." she gave back. "you´re the politician, that´s your job."

"I appreciate the trust."

"I voted for you."

A small silence, but not an awkward one this time. "You just weigh your options Fitz," she went on. "and when you make your decision, make it. Don´t falter." She sat down on the bed, opposite the door, suddenly feeling more energized.

"What if my decision is wrong? This is about lives. An airstrike could kill innocents."

"As will civil war, Fitz. Emotions are difficult in this kind of debate but don´t leave them out. I can´t help you decide. But I trust in your. Your abilities. You´re brilliant, I know it."

"Thank you."

She smiled.

A pause on his side. Then: "I do miss you, Livvie."

"So do I." He did not ask her again to come back, did not beg her. He had made his case earlier, when she had been standing in the rain and knew she would remember it. He trusted her there, had never belittled her by repeating things over and over. "Give me time to think, Fitz." she said, trying to reply to unspoken thoughts. "There were so many things, I need to work through them."

"All right." His voice was low. She could tell he didn´t like it, but accepted that sentiment for now. "You know what I think of this. You know what I want…what I´d wish for.."

"I do…" she said. "I.."

What she wanted to say next got stuck in her throat. Had she heard approaching footsteps? She had not paid attention probably, or had he made an effort to tread silently? Whatever it was, she had no warning of his approach, the door opened that very moment and Jake was standing in the door frame, a cup of something hot in his hand. He saw her with the phone in her hand. And froze. And so did she, not completing her sentence. A second. Two. Three.

Then Fitz seemed to wonder what had stunned her into silence. "Livvie? Are you okay?"

She could hear the words through the speaker phones, wondered if their volume carried to the door where Jake stood … and they obviously did because he could tell from the way he opened his mouth and then closed it that he pieced together in seconds what was going on, who she was calling. "Livvie?"

Liv shook her head. Slowly. Don´t, that gesture said. Don´t ruin it, Jake. Please. Please don´t speak. Don´t. There was just one thing she wanted right now. For Fitz not to know that she was not alone…