Chapter introduction:
Hey everyone, and welcome to chapter 4 of this story! First, a major thanks again to everyone for the various methods of support for the last chapter. Special thanks go to a lot of people, including Croeses and Amaryllis for being the ones to originally share their thoughts on chapter 3 on Archive of our Own, everyone from who did likewise by reviewing and everyone from the Reddit thread for sharing their thoughts and feedback there. Another special thanks to AX3M for helping me with some of the mechanics of Reading Steiner and Definitelynotapuppet for sharing some philosophical insight regarding an important idea I had in relation to this story.
This chapter took a little longer to put out than I'd have liked, which was in part due to me having to take care of a newborn baby over the past weekend + Friday. Going into it, I was like: Whelp, how hard and time consuming could this possibly be? I'll just take the script with me and work out the final things somewhere during this adventure.
…Yeah, I didn't type a single word. I did want to post this now for those that were waiting for it, and it may not be polished as well as it could be. I'll get around to that somewhere tomorrow and update it as I go.
Anyways, enjoy!
"Of course, if you'd been paying more attention, then you'd have known for sure," she said. "It's not my fault that the great Hououin Kyouma, 'greatest insane mad scientist of this age, with an IQ to rival the likes of Newton and Einstein', was just misled by the oldest and most basic trick in the book."
Her words heralded a silence that hung between them in this otherwise abandoned alley.
During it, Okabe gaped at her like a fish, which was a supremely comical sight. It even further reinforced her smug feeling of victory. There was something incredibly satisfying about the fact that he could be brought low that easily, even though he supposedly had MONTHS of experience in dealing with her while she had less than a day in dealing with him.
Inwardly, Limbic System was still sighing. 'A Schrödinger's kiss'? Really? I am cringing! I am cringing SO HARD right now!'
"You didn't like it? I thought it was pretty classy," Kurisu reasoned.
'Classy for an emergency half-measure, maybe. How many more perfect opportunities to actually, properly kiss this guy are we going to let by before we finally do it? Do you want me to write you a step-by-step instruction manual!?'
Trust her brain to come up with the uncomfortable questions. This had been terrifying enough on its own, however. Even if it hadn't actually been the full thing, that was still the first kiss she'd ever given a guy, other than the ones she'd given her father when she'd been a child.
Of course, it would be cruel to leave it at this. That burn had been soulrendingly savage and probably not entirely deserved, considering all the trouble he'd been through for both their sakes.
Thus, it was up to her to reboot Okabe.
"Well? Don't you have anything to say for yourself? I'd have expected much better from an observer, honestly," she challenged.
To his credit, that was enough to snap him out of his daze. "Hah! You underestimate me, assistant. Let me tell you all about my finely honed skills of stealth and perception…"
He offered her his arm.
That gave her pause.
Last time, she'd taken it because she'd been afraid.
This time, with the plethora of positive emotions currently running through her, she didn't have that excuse.
Taking it now felt like deliberately crossing some invisible line into unknown territory, where they maybe were and maybe weren't a thing.
Like they were on an actual first date with the outcome still unsure.
That prospect was as exciting as it was terrifying. She wasn't prepared, probably had looked better on any number of occasions and definitely shouldn't have seriously considered it so soon.
But he'd called her an assistant. There was no way she could just let that go!
So she took it.
The game was on, as they said!
"Finely honed skills of stealth, by walking around in the open in a labcoat? I'd say you don't exactly blend in with the crowd," she countered, following him back to more civilized roadways.
He was completely unfazed. "You underestimate me, dear Christina! It is exactly BECAUSE I don't hide myself that it deceives the world so well. No one would suspect the insane mad scientist, Hououin Kyouma, with an IQ to rival all the great geniuses in history, to actually dress like himself. Such a rookie mistake would be far beneath his actual intelligence, making me the obvious body double to be left alone. Truly, my genius knows no bounds!"
Wow. His ego had apparently grown past even Einstein and Newton. And following that, no less. The evidence for a masochistic side to him just kept on getting better and better.
"Spoken like a truly delusional chuunibyou, lol," she said, amused. "And if that were actually true, didn't you just give away your genius plan by shouting it out to the world?"
"As if they'd believe a body double like myself!" he snorted, obviously beyond caring about passersby. "I'll have you know this infallible principle of camouflage has been tested time and time again by the legendary Snake in the Metal Gear Fluid series, upon which the design of the critically important Moad Snake gadget was based. Such a world famous spy runs around in a cardboard box and always gets away with it. It's a level of bamboozling that is thus confirmed to be beyond mere mortal comprehension!"
She rolled her eyes. "Ah, so now we're bringing video game logic into this, are we? That's some next-level play, I'll admit. Validating your chuunibyou fantasies by wrapping them inside another layer of chuunibyou fantasies? Genius! My mind is well and truly blown, Kyouma-san."
"I'm glad you agree, assistant!' he nodded, smirking at her. "Though it pains me to admit you might be biased. After all, it's only natural of you to want to admire me, your supervisor. This doubtlessly compromises your abilities of critical thinking."
"Really? I'd say those are working just fine, since I'm currently rethinking my choice of being here very critically. Again, I might add."
"A shame, though an acceptable sacrifice, since it has reached the intended goal."
"Which is what; making yourself look like an idiot?" she asked. "I believe we've already established that on any number of occasions."
"Actually, it was making you smile."
And suddenly he was back to being his sincere, nice self.
It wasn't fair how he could do that: it left her defenseless and distinctly felt like cheating.
"I-I'm not smiling!"
It was a hopeless lie.
She tried to hide it by looking away, glancing at him from the corner of her field of vision.
The warmth practically radiated from his face.
It did all sorts of things to her that were REALLY distracting and threw her off in many different ways.
Gah! ALL of this was his fault. If he hadn't been so… so… whatever he'd been, her Alpha Wordline counterpart wouldn't have fallen for him, and she wouldn't have had these mushy thoughts at all!
…That totally wasn't a tsundere thing to say.
But hold on - weren't they technically the same person, separated only by two months of memories? So… wasn't it natural that she'd eventually fall for him too?
She could feel Limbic System grinning the most shit-eating grin ever somewhere in the folds of her cerebrum.
She needed to get her act back together, and fast.
Outwardly, she straightened and did her very best at appearing calm.
Inwardly, she was trying her very best to exert inhibitory control on her sympathetic nervous system. Hopefully that would get her heartrate back to less than a thousand a minute and would stop the feeling of butterflies in her stomach, which she knew was just another effect of adrenaline. Said hormone caused a systemic reshuffling of blood throughout the body away from, among others, the stomach and towards more 'useful' muscles, in an effort to make her more capable of responding to danger. Since it also made a person more aware of the environment and of his or her own body, the effect of noticing something was 'wrong' with your stomach was even more pressing. It was an evolutionary leftover linked to the fight-or-flight response that in modern society now triggered more often to less dangerous forms of perceived stress, such as job interviews, presentations…
…and potential love interests.
That last one was the crux of the problem, the thing that made it all impossible to just ignore or rationalize away as a coincidence from having been stressed out in general.
Then again, she already knew that. Her behavior HAD been off from the start of this. The problem was if these feelings were artificial or her own, and to what degree she could accept artificial ones.
Was that really such a bad thing, though? Even if they were artificial to the current her, they had supposedly been real to the alternative version of her.
She could tell that by the way Okabe spoke and acted that he actually loved her. From the way that he'd held her to the fact that, despite everything he'd been through, he WOULD go back again in time for her sake, if he had to, that spoke volumes. And wasn't he going through more or less the same as her? The memories he had of a previous version of her were definitely affecting his behavior, and he didn't care. Unlike her, he apparently saw no problems with giving in.
It made her feel a bit guilty, to not be able to just immediately and fully reciprocate in kind. On the other hand, wasn't that a common thing? In which a guy told a girl he liked her and she wasn't sure she liked him back?
If only it were that easy and time travel wasn't involved.
Still, was that guilt contributing to pushing her out of her comfort zone? The feeling of excitement itself was… nice, she supposed, and it was also another distraction she could use.
On the other hand, it was also a bit frightening. Had she been just a bit too willing to kiss him this soon, especially considering how nervous she'd recently been? Things were moving along a lot quicker than she should probably feel comfortable with.
Wasn't she supposed to be the break in this… whatever they had, rather than the gas? Was there even a break, and if so, did she have any control over it? So far, that seemed to consist sorely of Okabe's sense of decency and nerves. If he got over that…
She swallowed the resulting thoughts and images away.
She had been the one to initiate most of the physical contact up until now, hadn't she? AND she'd been the one to one-sidedly kiss him. Looking at it objectively, at least that latter one had been a very rash action to take. It had been a spur of the moment thing sprung from gratitude for legitimately making her feel more at ease, which she'd admittedly spent almost the entirety of the last two months searching for.
Rashness was still probably a bit unlike her. He'd even said something similar himself, some minutes ago, concerning a different topic.
…Or was it? She did have a certain impulsiveness that sometimes offset her normally more calm and plan-like modus.
…Right?
The fact that she wasn't even sure anymore probably said it all.
Sigh. Her thoughts were a mess, distinctly less coherent than usual. Was she going around in circles?
It was one thing to be aware of that you weren't really thinking like yourself, but still able to do something about it. But what if she lost that bit of control?
In the end, it all led back to the Alpha worldline problem. How far gone was she? To know that, she'd have to figure out to which degree her actions were still really her own and how much of those were influenced by a phantom version of herself from an alternate timeline.
Was there any way to really achieve that?
Could logic and science help her out here?
Hm. Maybe?
She dug up pages upon pages of mental textbook material and articles. Not all of those had a high impact factor and some of it was fringe-sciency, but hey, she was scrambling here. It wasn't like she researched this kind of thing all the time, no matter what her version of Amadeus was strangely fixated on.
Being a neuroscientist, she did know a bit about neurotransmitters and hormones, which were regulated by homeostatic control mechanisms in the brain. On a chemical level, 'falling for someone' was proposed to be regulated roughly in three different phases: Initial desire, attraction and attachment, and each of those phases were said to be predominantly effected by different types of those.
It seemed likely she would logically be at most in the second phase, while the her from the Alpha worldline, who had spent much more time with him, might be in the third. Maybe she could differentiate how far along they were by the effects of those she had already noticed?
Initial desire, sometimes also described as lust, was theorized to stem from testosterone and estrogen; the sex hormones that regulated gender maturation and reproduction. Those had a few other long term systemic effects such as preservation of bone mass and regulation of cholesterol, but those didn't really help her here. She was interested in the behavioral effect of those on women, and though still a subject of debate, there was a tentative consensus that it included things like more provocative behavior such as open flirting with and fantasizing about the guy who'd managed to draw your attention.
Well… check and check. There was no real denying she'd been thinking about dressing him up less than two hours after meeting him, and that had been one of the more innocent thoughts. And at least some of her recent behavior couldn't be anything other than flirting.
Okay then, lust confirmed.
Joy.
No real surprises there, though.
Next up, attraction. That one was expressed by the hormone of adrenaline, and the maybe hormones, maybe neurotransmitters (definition issues for the win) of serotonin and dopamine.
She'd already concluded there was a lot of adrenaline going around, and that had even been ignoring the dry mouth she was currently having. Or the way she was overly alert of everything, such as the way the light seemed to play of his eyes to give it a twinkle.
Second, dopamine. Also known as the pleasure or 'feel good' hormone. It was the brain's way of trying to establish a link between doing something or *cough* someone *cough* and finding it pleasurable, by making you feel good you for doing it. In her case 'Dem Hugz' had pretty much said enough, though the teasing and the one sided kiss had also been nice.
…As had been holding onto him when she'd been afraid…
…And she did kind of like their banter…
She sighed. Pretty much all of this had 'Dopamine Cloud' written all over it. It was probably a miracle she could think even remotely straight.
Maybe she could stop at serotonin, then? That one was said to incite obsessive thoughts and behavior, so much so it overrode logical behavior.
…
Okay, never mind; she could stop right there. Three times 'check' it was.
How obsessive though? Eh, something among the line of sticking around for two whole months in a different country while quite possibly depressed and suffering from PTSD-like symptoms, JUST to find him, would probably qualify. That was supposedly in line with the level of creepiness that teenage girls apparently found attractive in novels nowadays, if it was a guy doing it in their Mary Sue self-insert story.
'Hm, what was the relevant creepy quote here? Was it "I enjoy watching you sleep, Bella, and I've been secretly doing it for months," or something among those lines?'
"P-Please don't ever mention 'that' again. There are limits to the virtues of curiosity, and the ONLY reason I ever read that was to get a baseline measurement for me compared to girls of my age. I STILL wish I could have taken those two hours of my life back. It was like watching a disaster so horrible that I just couldn't look away until I finished it…"
She shuddered that particular horror out of her working memory and returned to the task at hand.
…What was she thinking about, again?
Oh, right, the final phase of forming a relationship. That was attachment, regulated by supposedly vasopressin and oxytocin. The first one of those was said to promote loyalty towards your partner, which kind of blended into the previous point, while the latter was also known as the hugging hormone. The behavioral effects of that last one were giving your partner an inordinate amount of trust.
…Such as when he told you the craziest story ever in which he'd also actually killed you at least once, but you still loved him.
…And that totally wasn't creepy by itself.
Aaaaaand that was the third strike.
It was official: she was doomed.
'+1 on that,' Limbic System replied. 'Remind me again why exactly you keep holding back? The evidence so far seems pretty damning to me and that's not even really my thing.'
"You know why: it's because there's a huge difference between what we know of each other, and because I haven't figured out yet why exactly my previous self had fallen for him. As it stands, I'm not comfortable with all this. We wouldn't go into this as equals."
'Honestly, that sounds a bit flimsy to me. Aren't you just scared of something new? All this angst and overly obsessive thinking can probably be worked away in just two seconds if the two of you just got over your fear and actually acted on your *confirmed* mutual feelings. Go any longer and we could write a similarly trashy young adult novel about it. Actually, speaking of him, shouldn't you be paying more attention to what he's saying?'
Kurisu blinked.
Okabe was indeed talking again, though it only took her a second to determine it was just another monologue about how awesome Hououin Kyouma was.
She decided to filter it out for now and just give a few noncommittal gestures, so she could finish restoring some internal order first.
"And risk it derailing almost immediately, possibly dooming it forever?" she resumed. "Just leave the thinking to me, please. And speaking of thinking, how is Frontal Lobe?"
Her emotional center hesitated, which probably should have told her enough. 'Er… technically it's an improvement…'
Somewhere from the depths of her mind spawned a crazed voice, shouting in agony. Absolute desperation was its every syllable. 'LOGIC, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!? Come back to me! COME BACK! Without you, there's no light at the end of this dark, DARK tunnel! I'll be a good girl! I PROMISE!'
"You call THAT an improvement?"
'Hey, I'm doing the best I can! Right, Fronty?'
'Limbic…? I can't… visions of the world being taken over by idiots… does that mean the rest of the world is even dumber? Was Einstein right when he said human stupidity is truly infinite…? Then what point is there to being a scientist…? We're just wasting our time trying to enlighten mankind, aren't we? Maybe we should go binge-watch Fifty Shades of Clay so what's left of me can die, and you two can pretend to fit in with the rest of humanity…'
Of course, the mere mention of that horrible prospect was too much for either of them take.
Limbic system acted first. 'Ok, that's enough! Normally I'd have slapped you out of it, Frontal, but I obviously lack appendages. Please forgive me for what I'm about to do!'
Kurisu blinked; that sounded pretty vicious. "Wait, what are you-"
Too late.
'ONE PLUS ONE EQUALS NINE!'
'NO IT DOESN'T!'
'There we go, back to normal!' Limbic System triumphantly declared.
'…I hate you.'
'Case in point.'
She could imagine her center of reasoning groan in a combination of lingering intellectual pain and humiliation. 'Fine… at least tell me we didn't do something stupid while I was reeling from that horror show.'
'You mean, the hilarious comedy that was SERN?'
'I fail to see a difference,' Frontal Lobe shrugged. 'I still can't believe those guys somehow actually took over the world AND captured us…'
'Aw, cheer up! We sort of managed to kiss him while you were away and the result was pretty funny!'
'…Figures, I'm gone for TWO MINUTES and already you jump the guy. Did I ever mention BOTH of you were hopeless?'
Hopeless? She could well be, considering she'd just essentially confirmed that her body was in love on a biological level that was disproportionately strong to the amount of time they'd spent together. Essentially, it was leaning more towards Alpha worldline Kurisu's than her own. The analogy with mind control wasn't a bad one, and even though the one doing it to her was technically she herself didn't make it any less unsettling.
She suddenly had a mental image of being a boxer in a ring who was being double teamed by all seven of the aforementioned hormones at once.
It wasn't pretty.
Okay… maybe she should try to look at the situation objectively. Was it really that strange for her to be the one on the 'offense', regardless of the extent of Alpha wordline Kurisu's actual influence? If it wasn't, then there was no point to worrying, was there?
That sounded flimsy even to herself, but okay.
So, how often did you run into the guy of which you actually knew you'd picked him in an alternate universe? Had anyone else ever been in that position? In such a situation, wasn't it natural to wonder why the alternate version of herself had picked HIM, exactly? What had made him special? Was it wrong to want to experiment a bit and see how he was, how he'd react to certain things, if only just to know?
Well, she did feel like she had a better read on him now, tentative as the conclusions were.
He could be caring, perhaps even overprotective, demonstrated by, among others, how he'd kept inserting himself between her and the traffic or the alleys they passed, constantly on the lookout for danger, in addition to his earlier feelings of guilt. There was also the thing that his future self had supposedly spent fifteen years of his life trying to save her, AFTER that version of her had died.
…She'd just choose to interpret that last bit as him being fiercely, endearingly loyal rather than creepily obsessed. It had been about saving the world too, after all. It totally wasn't on the 'watching you sleep' level.
Okabe could also be funny, proven by his theatrics. He could be challenging (she suspected he'd let her win the most recent arguments), and he was at least decently intelligent. If he'd managed to build an actual time machine in the future, even if he'd only been part of a team doing so, that made him supposedly brilliant.
And all that was aside from his looks, which were obviously fine.
…More than fine, actually.
Of course, he had faults too. He could be childish, annoying and a bit of a pervert.
But it had still been enough to make her curious for more.
The fact that she'd wanted a distraction from the darker thoughts surrounding SERN had probably played into it too.
And his consequential reactions to even the slightest bit of teasing had been priceless.
And from there she'd started to seriously wonder… what had the two of them done together in the Alpha wordline? What had led up to that kiss? How had it gone? How had it felt? Had it been wrong to consequently feel a bit left-out; to know that her alternate self had already had her first kiss, but that she hadn't?
Part of her had been hoping that doing it would also trigger another part of her lost memory, though yet another part of her felt that had been just a hollow excuse to go along with it. Unfortunately, it hadn't helped. Aside from her own feelings, all that came was a vague note of sadness. She wasn't sure if that had been an actual phantom sentiment or just a bit of disappointment on her own end in not receiving anything clearer.
…Or was that sadness more of herself being disappointed at not having gone all the way? Maybe she should have given him more of an opportunity to come back after the trick? Would he have taken the hint and actually done it, if her nerves hadn't given out? What would it have been like, to take his face in her hands and-
…Anyway, she just hoped her alternate self hadn't been so extremely disappointed in his *ahem* performance back then that all she really felt was actual sadness; that he hadn't just completely and utterly failed to meet up to any of her expectations.
Speaking of expectations…
She had been thinking about whether or not her behavior had been appropriate mostly concerning herself, but was it appropriate towards him?
Had it been too forward for her to do any of this? To kiss him this soon?
Did her behavior make her out to be overly clingy, pushy or desperate?
Shouldn't she have left something this significant to him, being the guy? Or was that a more old-fashioned sentiment?
What was the ratio of girls taking initiative compared to boys nowadays?
Was there even a reliable statistic for such a thing?
And had that jab against him at the end crossed some line from playfulness to actually mean? Should she apologize for it, or would that detract from the experience and make her look weak?
Argh. Romance was complicated.
Romance when mind-controlled was even more complicated.
Their Facebook status towards each should probably be the 'it's complicated' version of 'it's complicated'. Had there ever been a relationship in which one of those involved had been legitimately, definitively dead, but no longer was? And that was just *one* unique, strange aspect concerning them as a potential couple…
She inwardly sighed. It was so much easier when it came to anime, when she could just sit back on the couch with a cup of salt-flavored noodles, ship whoever she wanted as her head canon and know everything would just work itself out.
'You know, I only just joined this wreckage of a thought train, but how long have we been wasting time, thinking about all this?' Frontal Lobe wondered.
Too long, apparently.
"Kurisu?"
It was only when she suddenly jerked backwards that she realized he'd stopped moving. Linked up like this, that simulated the experience of suddenly trying to drag along a concrete wall. The sudden change in vector and her none too graceful attempt at reflexively maintaining her balance forced her from her thoughts.
"Y-yes?"
There was something strange about the look he gave her. "Did you hear anything of what I just said?"
Crap.
Er, maybe she could bluff her way out of that?
"A-ah, of course!"
He only frowned. "Really?"
"Um… sure! What makes you think otherwise?"
"Well, I just asked you to marry me and you casually said 'yes'."
!
Words failed.
"I thought that was a dead giveaway," he went on. "But if you were paying attention, then I guess you were actually serious! I should probably go ahead and tell my parents the good news…"
His hand reached for the phone in his pocket.
Her first instinct was to lunge for it.
Then her cognitions kicked in and she realized he was just teasing her.
She sighed. "Try it. First, I'll be gone. Second, if my mom finds out you even joked about this, she'll kill you."
"…It should probably worry me that I can't tell if you're serious."
To be fair, she couldn't really blame him for that; her dad had stabbed him. That wasn't exactly the best 'welcome to the family' present.
"Then you've obviously never met my mother," she said, forcing herself to stay in the present.
"No. That does make me curious, though," he admitted.
"Be careful what you wish for, my chuunibyou idiot," she replied, shaking her head. "Mom won't be even remotely as forgiving for those antics of yours as I am, even if you might think otherwise."
"I'm sorry, but 'forgiving for my antics'? The same ones that constantly amuse you? I'd say it's more likely my assistant secretly has a weakness for Chuunibyou's like myself and just can't get enough of it."
That smirk.
Argh.
"Hah! You wish. It will take a lot more than spouting some random crap to win over this 4channeler's ice-cold heart," she countered, nudging him back into pace.
He let her take him along. Not quietly, though. Of course not. "Progress! First you agree you're my assistant, and now you spontaneously admit to being an 4channeler! Truly this is an undeniable landmark of your affection for me. Tell me more of your secrets, Christina!"
"Geez. Look at this idiot… Could you perhaps not shout that out for the world to hear? Oh, and for the record, I'm STILL not your assistant."
He nodded. "You're right, of course."
The world stopped.
'OH GOD IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE! DUCK FOR COVER!' Limbic System shouted, panicking.
'I… did he really just say that? I just- how- but- why-'
It took her a full five seconds to fully digest that line. All the while she could only stare at him, dumbfounded. "Hold on - I'm not sure I heard that correctly. Did you just, FINALLY, admit it? Actually, did you just both admit I was right AND drop the assistant thing? To what do I owe this glorious occasion? And don't say this is your idea of an engagement gift, if you know what's good for you."
"But of course! Let the great Hououin Kyouma elaborate…"
It was probably a good thing she watched where they were going, because he obviously didn't. Closing his eyes did add to the smugness factor, but also to his chances of throwing himself under the bus. Literally, in this case.
"You're not my assistant… anymore," he went on, oblivious. "I'd say it's time for you to pass your test of insanity and join me as a full-fledged mad scientist, to be the only peer the great Hououin Kyouma has ever known. Wouldn't you say I trained you enough?"
She groaned. "What is this training you speak of and in what strange, twisted, desperate worldline did it occur? And what makes you think I even want to be a mad scientist?"
"I recall you being unable to contain your curiosity at eating a green-glowing, jellified banana. Admit it - you're reckless like me and crave it, the mystery, the suspense, the thrill of leaving mundane experiments for what little science is truly exciting; a realm limited only by your imagination and unbound by any laws of ethics!"
Huh, that didn't sound so – wait, she'd done what!?
"So join me, Christina, and we will… hmm… have a lot of fun together?" he said, not giving her time to digest that.
She shook her head in disbelief. "You know, you should probably practice that sales pitch a bit more. But okay, so it's basically 'join the dark side, we have cookies', huh? I'm probably going to regret asking this, but let's assume the extremely hypothetical scenario in which I *might* be interested. What's this test you spoke of?"
"It is, of course, your own unique mad scientist laugh and pose! Now then, Christina, show the world that you are truly beyond caring about the judgment of the unenlightened that surround us!"
"Um…"
"I sense your hesitation! Very well then, allow me to give you an example. I will just position myself under the light of this lantern pole here let it lose for the world to see and hear!"
He assumed a ridiculous kung-fu pose and took a deep breath. "People of Akihabara, hear the voice of the great mad scientist, Hououin Kyouma! Know that I will never bow to god nor fate! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
…She didn't really know what to say.
Neither did pretty much all the traffic in the immediate vicinity, nor any of the restauranteurs or passersby, more than a few of which were staring at him.
There was a communal embarrassed silence in which she imagined a few balls of yarn were floating by in the background.
Well, at least she had a saving grace. She could just pretend not to know him and-
"Now then, your turn, Christina!"
She only just had time to see the gleeful look on his face before he was on her.
They were already moving before she fully realized what was going to happen.
She started up the motoric counter response, but it was too late.
He spun her around, leaving her in a mockery of his previous pose, then immediately stood back to back with her. "And for our English-speaking guests: WE ARE MAD SCIENTIST. SO AMAZING, BITCH! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! GG, NO RE. MUAHAHAHAHA!"
She froze at the realization of what this had to look like; some childish duo doing overly dramatic anime poses together in the open, lighted in some stage-like manner by the lantern pole overhead.
…While disturbing as much public order as possible, of course.
She should have moved, ran, hit Okabe or done something similar. But reflexive shame kept her cowering in place.
By now, EVERYONE in the vicinity was looking. Rows upon rows of eyes were watching them questioningly, some people frozen midway through the movement of bringing their chopsticks to their mouths.
Her scientific credibility was getting further obliterated by each passing second. She desperately searched for some way to rectify this situation and came up blank.
She was blushing now. Deeply so, probably. And that only reinforced the paralyzing fear.
All that came from her mouth came some whimpering noises.
She wanted the ground to swallow her whole.
It wasn't that kind.
Somewhere in the back of her mind lingered a faint deja-vu of having done something similar once, but she was too far gone to pay it any attention.
"Move…! Move!"
But her body wouldn't move.
It couldn't, because too much had happened.
It was frozen in a combination of pain and terror.
Her father had tried to kill her.
Then the man still in the room had attacked her.
The scent of his blood was everywhere.
Any moment now, she was going to die, shot by the woman also in the room.
If they didn't rape and/or torture her first, that was.
Her mind was numb. The only coherent thoughts were 'Why?' and 'What did I do the deserved this?'
She'd never done anything wrong.
She felt helpless, ashamed.
Why her?
She wanted to cry.
But she was too afraid.
That only increased her panic, which made her even more afraid.
She knew she had to move. It was her only possible chance of surviving this now.
But she couldn't do it.
Was she really that weak?
The remnant of her that wasn't completely numb was angry; both at herself and her attackers.
And that remnant of anger finally broke through the shame and snapped her out of it.
The second she regained control of her body, she whirled around and DRAGGED Okabe with her to the very first turn of the street.
He didn't go quietly. AGAIN. "Apologies, dear citizens! I was just helping my fellow actress get over her stage fright! She's just shy like that! Please resume your dinners and have a nice evening!"
She felt him make some apologetic gestures as they went, and some hesitant laughter followed them all the way out of sight.
She didn't even remotely care when she finally faced him down.
Two different kinds of anger went through her at once; the superficial one, and the traumatic, deeper one.
It was only by supreme will, backed up by a constant mantra of it all having been done for her sake, that she managed to not sink too deep into the latter one.
"What the hell was that about!?" she demanded.
"What do you mean?" he casually asked.
"You know what I'm talking about, Okabe! What could make you do such a thing!?"
"Oh? You mean you're angry about someone taking advantage of your trust and tricking you into something WAY out of your comfort zone? Such a devilish ploy! Surely YOU would never do something similar, right?"
…Really? THAT was the reason!?
"You realize this could be a career-ending thing for me, don't you!? This isn't even remotely the same thing!"
He blinked. "Career-ending? What are you talking about?"
"If Viktor Chondria gets a hold of a photo of that, then…!"
"What; are you worried this will ruin your pristine image as a scientist? And you think a picture of you kissing me wouldn't do the exact same thing?"
"That was in a secluded area!" she argued, "while this was out in the open!"
He only smiled. "So you admit it, then? And that aside, are you claiming no one seeing us would make the breach of trust itself less bad?"
Anger warped into rage.
The lingering sentiment from Radi-kan wanted to lash out at her then attacker – him.
She was THIS close to doing it.
He must have seen it was derailing. "Kurisu, calm down – you're worrying too much," he said, quickly dropping his act. "They'd never want to lose someone as talented as you. Also, that was like a twenty second thing at most. I'm sure everyone was too stunned to even think about taking a picture, and even if they did, would they recognize you? Even in the worst case scenario, what's Viktor Chondria going to do; blame you for having a bit of fun outside the university? And pretty much everyone could see that I clearly forced you into that, so it's not even your fault."
Rage and forgiveness battled each other with logic trying to play mediator.
She was still ready to strike.
He sighed, obviously noticing. "Okay, look, I'm sorry. I thought it was funny but maybe I miscalculated. Can we let this go?"
He seemed genuinely apologetic.
"Is that an act?"
The thought came instantly, so fast and natural that she almost didn't question it.
But… would he have known this would take her back to that day? Was this really an intentional attempt to hurt her?
…How could she seriously be asking herself that after everything he'd done?
That had to be the trauma interfering with her reasoning; the panic and anger of that moment coming through.
It hadn't been only her that had gotten hurt there: the same was true for him. Would he really try to take both of them back there for something that petty? Hadn't she deduced earlier that he was overly caring of others?
It was much more likely it was just a prank gone wrong. And hadn't she made a similar mistake just a minute ago? Saying her mom would kill him when her father had ACTUALLY almost done that was in very bad taste, at least. But Okabe had been able to take that in stride. Didn't she owe him the same lenience? They could try to get closer to each other without triggering the minefield that was Radi-Kan, but there were inevitably going to be mistakes along the way.
Maybe… maybe they could talk about this sometime, or even visit it together. Maybe he could help her get over it like he'd been able to with SERN, and maybe she could help him in some way in return.
He'd said they were a team, weren't they?
She liked to think that was true.
So she waited until what remained of the panic and anger drained out and took another look at his 'prank'.
Was it funny? Was she being a bad sport? Well, he had gotten her good there, she supposed, just like she'd gotten him not too long ago. And it was kind of her fault for allowing herself to be set up like that. That meme-filled Engrish line would probably have been hilarious to her if she'd been a bystander. Plus he'd made a fool out of himself as well.
But did he really have get back at her in such a public and dramatic manner?
…Also, his English was horrible, generously speaking. They'd have to work on that, sometime.
She let out a long, pained sigh. "I still feel violated in public. That actually reminds me of our meeting in the Alpha worldline, which probably says a lot about how messed-up our relationship is. That we somehow still ended up like this is like a social miracle."
"So… does that mean you forgive me?" he asked, unsure.
"Just… don't put me on the spot like that again, please. I was ashamed to death and that shame reminded me of my almost-death."
"O-oh. That obviously wasn't the intent," he replied. "And… in case it matters to you, I'm fine with you being my assistant. That's kind of our thing, anyway. We'll just take things slowly and-"
He suddenly stopped. The look he gave her changed; there was a hint of sudden panic there.
She knew he'd come to the issue she hadn't wanted him to. It had been playing in the back of her own mind, something she'd deliberately ignored to not complicate things even more.
But it had only been a matter of time before it would have to be addressed. And with the topics of time and the university back home being addressed in close order…
"Kurisu, when do you have to leave?" he asked.
"…The sunday after tomorrow," she replied. There was no point in lying or stalling.
"In just seven days!?"
"Well it's not like I can stay any longer!" she answered, annoyed. "I have a job, Okabe! I was supposed to be back weeks ago. I'm pretty sure the only reason they even let me stay this long was because they felt sorry for what happened at Radi-Kan."
"A-ah… I see," he replied, calming down. "I just… wished you could have been here longer. It feels bittersweet that I found you only to know you have to leave so soon."
He looked crestfallen, like a puppy that had just been kicked by its master.
It hit her right in the feels. "…If it makes you feel better, this was actually all the vacation I had left this year," she replied in a much kinder tone. "Technically we have around 10 weeks, but it's an unwritten rule between the staff that we only use a fraction of that. It's the price we pay for being part of cutting-edge research. Looking at it objectively, my behavior towards Viktor Chondria lately will probably be seen as out-of-line."
She wasn't entirely sure why she told him all that. It felt a bit empty, even to her.
"…Then I guess we'll just have to make the best of the time we have," he replied, trying to smile.
"Yeah…"
She met his somewhat sad look, feeling strangely melancholic.
As the silence stretched, the situation started to feel so melodramatic that she had to chuckle. "Oh, come on. We both knew this was coming. Anything between us would eventually have to be a long-distance relationship. We might as well discuss that now. Is it too much of an issue for you?"
Part of her hoped he'd say no. But if it was, then it was an understandable reason that allowed them to break this off with no hard feelings.
…Right?
It was like stepping out for someone else, which felt weird. Hadn't she already done that, once?
He shook his head. "No, that's not a problem, obviously…"
"…But?" she asked, somewhat relieved.
He didn't answer, but there was regret written all over him.
"Really? Did you expect me to just leave everything behind for you?" she asked.
She wasn't entirely sure if it was touching or insulting. Would he have done it for her, if their positions had been reversed?
"That's not it, at least not entirely," he replied, surprising her. "It's just…"
He looked her directly in the eyes. "Does it make you happy, working at Viktor Chondria?"
She blinked.
"I don't mind if you want to go back," he went on. "But from what you've told me in the Alpha worldline, I had the impression that you were really lonely there. It didn't seem like such a friendly place. And if you were doing it mainly for Nakabachi… do you really still want to continue down that path?"
Did she?
She had thought about it often, after her dad had tried to kill her.
What was the ultimate goal now? There was no reconciling her family anymore. So what use was the tool she'd used for that?
Her Alpha worldline counterpart had found something here that she'd found so valuable she'd sacrificed herself for it, and with that all of her aspirations to further contribute to science. That had even been before Nakabachi's betrayal. If he'd asked that version of her, she'd logically have preferred to stay, right?
But…
She was a scientist. She knew she was talented at it, one of the very best. She already had a good career going and she was at the very top of her field. She believed her research was legitimately valuable to mankind. It was also all she really knew. What was she going to do with herself if she dropped all that?
Be a somewhat normal teenager and then follow her mother's path?
That… seemed unlike her.
Anyway, something this serious was probably better discussed sitting down. It also gave her a bit more time to get her thoughts straight.
…And totally didn't give her more of a chance to stall before actually visiting the lab, thereby meeting Mayuri and no doubt triggering a hurricane of Reading Steiner memories.
…Also, they really needed a more scientific term for this phenomenon.
She glanced around. "Maybe we can talk over there," she said, pointing to a nearby park to their right. She could make out the presence of a playground in the center. There were a number of trees forming a natural outline around the square containing it, giving it a bit of privacy from the outside onlookers, and a multitude of small benches on the inside of that outline.
"…Must be the choice of Steins Gate…" Okabe mumbled upon seeing it.
"Hm?"
"We've been here before, back then. But sure…"
He tried to follow her.
Keyword: 'tried'.
She didn't have much of a warning.
At first it looked like he just stumbled over something, but the next step had him buckling, falling to the ground.
She only JUST had the time to catch him. It took a lot of strength, considering how much bigger and heavier he was.
"Okabe!?"
"Ah, sorry..." he said, panting softly. "I just… overexerted myself… I guess."
"Don't scare me like that! And I demand an explanation!"
"Er… I was actually in the hospital until this morning, recovering from… well, getting stabbed."
He had the decency to blush.
She'd still have facepalmed if she hadn't been supporting him. "Could you maybe have told me that BEFORE I punched you!?"
"Haha. Um, don't worry; it's not that. I've… actually walked all over Akihabara today, giving everyone… their badges. I was… getting tired of being stuck inside and probably pushed my luck. I was pretty tired, even before we started all this."
"You really are an idiot, you know? When was the last time you ate something?"
He hesitated. "Um… this morning, before I was discharged from the ward. At least, I think…?"
"'You think?' I beg to differ; there's something seriously wrong with your frontal lobe! You should have AT LEAST eaten that rice omelet back in the Café!"
"After what it said? I couldn't. That… felt disrespectful to you."
'Aw, that's sweet of him.'
"So you get discharged after being in a hospital for weeks, then decide it's a good idea to walk a marathon all over the city district while starving?" she replied. "Wouldn't it have been a smarter idea to just call your friends? What's with you, really? Wanna die or something?"
"Nice tsundere line."
"I'm not a tsundere!"
"But… you're quoting Sugimiya…" he said, hands on his knees, slowly pushing himself back up.
Was he really that exhausted?
She tried to think back on it, going over the day's events.
'Well, he did already say he was tired, back in MayQueen. He'd have been walking and then talking non-stop for hours. Maybe we've been so distracted by everything that we just didn't notice the signs?'
"Or maybe I mistook some of his exhaustion for signs of depression."
'Or maybe he was just keeping up an act for our sake.'
"Or it could be that adrenaline had kept him up while he'd perceived danger around them? And now that he claimed that he was over that…"
It was likely at least one of those was the truth.
"So? That doesn't mean anything!" she countered, more angry at herself for failing to notice than him.
"Ah, you're… probably right. I guess it's just… nice to have you fussing over my well-being like this."
He put himself back up, disentangling himself from her grip.
She frowned at him with obvious scepticism.
"I can keep going," he assured. "I just-"
His knees buckled after the very first step. It was like they'd heard him speak and had instantly drawn the pope of nope on him.
She was ready, though.
"Oh no you don't! We're going to get you some food, first," she insisted.
"No, that's… not needed. The lab is just around the corner at the next crossing; I'll get something there."
She doubted it. But if she took a second to really think about it, what were her options, really?
She could go back to the main street and drag him into a restaurant. That would put them in the same crowd he'd just made them look like total fools to, and she wasn't going to risk anyone recognizing her in such a context. Additionally, him stumbling around like this would cause YET ANOTHER major scene.
Ok, that was out.
Next, she could leave him behind, and get something for him herself from somewhere else nearby. That meant leaving him out of her sight. And that would mean risking he'd be gone when she came back.
…
Logically, that was the best plan. But she found she couldn't do it. Despite everything, she was STILL afraid he'd disappear on her, or that something bad happened to him in the meantime. If someone like SERN came for him now then he couldn't run away.
Not like she'd be able to do much in that case, but it still felt wrong to just leave him be.
In the end, she just shrugged. "Fine, whatever. But you're at least going to sit down for a moment."
"But-"
She didn't want to hear it. She just took his arm, draped it over her shoulder and supported him across the street, where she deposited them in the nearest unoccupied bench.
He just let her.
That felt really strange. Where was the noise? The witty retorts and theatrics? In a way, that worried her even more.
The environment was nice, at least. It was a nice summer evening, warm without the sun to make it uncomfortable. It was a fairly large playground square by Tokyo's standards. A number of kids from varying ages were still playing at the various contraptions at the centre while a few scattered adults, most likely their parents or grandparents, watched them from the benches at the edges. They were probably on their way back home from having dinner on the main street.
More separated from the others on isolated benches were a couple of young teenagers holding hands, glancing at eachother nervously and then looking away. A somewhat older, young adult couple was also sitting alone, engaged in some pleasant conversation with each other, interrupted every now and then by them glancing at the children with a smile. She noticed the man sometimes touched the woman's belly, which was actually be a bit rounder than suited her small frame.
Somewhere in between the age categories of those couples fell the two of them. That realisation was somehow uncomfortable.
And speaking of uncomfortable…
Okabe's arm was still draped over her shoulder. She was actually still holding it in place as they sat there, a remnant of having supported him here.
Her glance slid from that arm to his face, while his slid from her face to his arm.
He stiffened, already starting to pull it away, then hesitated.
What followed was an awkward silence.
His eyes told her he wasn't sure what to do and she wasn't sure what was appropriate, either.
It felt like a chicken contest to see which of them would admit embarrassment first and break the physical contact.
Something about that irritated her. Why did she have to defend or explain any of her actions? All of this was because of him! So if she wanted his arm around her then he'd just have to accept that, right?
Unless…
She narrowed her eyes. "Okabe. Did you pretend to be weak just so we'd end up in this position?"
He sighed. "Do you… really think I'd intentionally make myself look this pathetic to the girl I liked? It seems like a very poor strategy."
"Meaning it would suit you perfectly, mister 'I suck at strategic thinking'!" she pointed out. "And you obviously knew this was the only semi-secluded spot around. You could have easily planned this!"
"I wouldn't do that… But… if that's really what you think, then let go. I'm not stopping you."
He was legitimately too tired to argue.
She couldn't find it in herself to be mad, or pretend to be so.
So… she just accepted it and leaned into his flank.
She told herself it was the only logical thing to do.
What was the big deal, anyway? They'd done much worse than this in both worldlines, right?
…Actually, this felt much more confronting than everything else thus far. It was like openly admitting it, whatever 'it' was, to the rest of the world.
She immediately glanced around, just to be sure no one was going to respond by trying to take it from her.
She did one take, then two, and then another one.
When bad things still hadn't happened, she allowed herself to relax.
And with her, he did too.
'Is this the part where we play this cheesy 'Oh, it's easier to talk when we're close together' card again?' Frontal lobe groaned. 'Or are we going with 'well, it's obviously going to get colder soon, so we might as well share body warmth,'?'
'Ah, haha…! Um… well… no…?' Limbic system tried.
Kurisu only sighed; she didn't really want to waste any more energy pondering what was cheesy or the right thing to do.
Okabe's shoulder was a very bony pillow, a bit rougher than she'd have liked. Was she doing something wrong? Was the angle a bit off? Was she too high or too low?
#Noobromanceproblems.
'A bone is a bone, you know. It's not going to get magically softer if you rub it in a different way. The best you can do is just rest your head ON TOP of it completely, or angle his arm a bit and use the muscle there instead. Geez.'
'Or we could bypass all of this and just go straight for using his lap as a pillow?' Limbic System proposed.
'And what about decency?' Her counterpart retorted.
'What about it? You think it isn't risqué enough?'
'…I rest my case.'
Apparently her brain kept mulling it over anyway.
In the end, she just scuffled forward a bit on the bench and leaned into him backwards. That was quite a bit better.
She initially felt him stiffen a bit, but then he relented – and just as well, since this was still his fault. He responded by leaning forward a bit and resting his chin on the top of her head. It reset their overall centre to gravity to where she supposed they were both comfortable.
For a while, neither of them talked. She decided that was all right, though. There was something nice to the evening serenity, just comfortably sitting here together.
Eventually, he was the one who broke the silence. "Kurisu, can I ask you something?"
His voice was steady again, without the intermittent panting that had just been there. How long had they been sitting here? She had to admit it had started to make her feel sleepy at some point...
"You just did. Anything else?"
He grinned. "Sharp," he remarked, before he sobered. "But more seriously… you are now the only one next to me who knows the truth about the Alpha worldline. Do you think I, or we, should tell the others?"
"Tell them what, exactly?"
"Everything."
"Where's this coming from?" she asked. "Didn't you say you weren't going to let fear of SERN hold you back anymore?"
"It's not about SERN," he clarified. "Well, I obviously can't tell Moeka anything. But regarding the other lab members… I told you I took away things from some of my friends. Luka's preferred gender and Faris' father, mostly. They don't seem to remember that, or if they do, either really vaguely or they just hide it really well. And in Mayuri's case… she described her deaths as having 'bad dreams'. Shouldn't I leave it at that? Isn't that better than telling them everything and pushing them to remember? Wouldn't reminding them be like rubbing salt on their wounds?"
"Are you afraid they'll blame you?"
He flinched. "Maybe they wouldn't see things the way you did."
"But you're asking me for advice anyway," she pointed out.
"I always did. And if I'd had to choose, I'd have told you everything first anyway, just to have your opinion."
"Honestly, I think this shouldn't be your choice alone."
"In a perfect world, no. But that's how it is, being the only one with perfect Reading Steiner," he replied, gazing over the scene. "And… I really don't know what's best. I once promised Mayuri I'd tell her everything, but I still haven't. If I did, I'd also have to tell her she lost you as a friend, that we sacrificed you for her sake AND kept her out the loop. I'm not sure how she'd take that."
"Then you should first ask yourself if the others gave up what was precious to them willingly," she reasoned. "Did they? Did you ever force them?"
"…No."
"So how did you convince them?"
"By telling them Mayuri was going to die otherwise."
"Mayuri sure is popular…"
"Then they're basically the same as I was," she concluded, ignoring that pang of jealousy. "From that, I think your worries are probably unwarranted. As to whether or not it's better for them that they know, that I can't say. I would want to know everything regardless, but that's just my personality. What do you think they would prefer?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "Both Luka and Faris seem pretty happy as they are. With Mayuri… I can't really say. I haven't noticed her behaving any differently, but I know she's better at hiding things than I'd once thought."
"…Maybe you could wait, then, at least when it concerns those two. If neither of them are suffering, then there's no real need for immediate intervention. Maybe they'll regain their memories on their own. If you notice their behaviour towards you suddenly starts changing, or if they come to you with questions on their own, you could ask them what they want. And if you then just explain your reasons for not telling this on your own, I don't see an immediately problem with this approach."
"You really think it's okay to just let things go, then?"
"If you actually promised Mayuri, and you know she might be hiding things, it's probably worth telling her regardless," she replied. "As for the others, that's about all the advice I can give you without knowing them. And it's not like Reading Steiner's dangerous or-"
Wait.
She slowly sat herself forward, breaking immediate contact with him.
"Okabe, remind me again how your Reading Steiner works," she asked, her mind racing.
"Huh? Why?"
"Just do it," she insisted.
So he did.
She listened intently as he re-explained what he knew of his 'super power'. At some point she stood up and started pacing back and forth as she thought. As a side benefit, it allowed her to see what was going on behind Okabe, just in case someone tried to listen in.
"Then let me summarize," she stated upon him finishing. "You say that when you affect a change in the past, such as with the d-mails, the world reconfigures itself to account for that change. And your ability allows you to retain your memories from the now obsoleted worldline."
"That's a very brief description, but that is the essence of it, as far as I can tell."
She nodded. "So in the same case of the d-mails, you end up in the new worldline in a location that might be completely different from the one you left. Since you end up at roughly the same chronological moment in time, we can determine from it that until reading Steiner Triggered, your past self was living his life as usual, unaware that the world had been changed somewhere in the past. And when Reading Steiner then triggered, you yourself were aware of the change. Afterwards, you were in complete control of both yourself and your thoughts, with memories of the old worldline but no memories of the new one. Am I right so far?"
"Yes. But… why is this important?"
She held his gaze for a moment, searching for any deception. All she found was curiosity and some confusion. "That's because you effectively overwrite your past self in this method," she then pointed out. "If you are in full control of your body and only your memories and consciousness apply now, then what is left of the past version of you, the one that brought you to the point where you entered this worldline?"
He didn't need to answer that, as there was only one option: his past self was gone forever.
The only thing left of him was the body, which 'future Okabe' was currently inhabiting. What effectively happened was that Okabe's memories of the other worldline had simply overwritten the ones his other version had had here, and SOMEHOW, in that process, his consciousness also overrode that of the other him, at least to the point where he had complete and never-ending control.
How that would work, scientifically-speaking, didn't make much sense to her. Consciousness was theorized to be 'made' by the brainstem, and the fact that recent stimulatory implants there had managed to rouse comatose patients from a coma reinforced that. It was true, however, that the brainstem was fairly close to the areas associated with memory, namely the temporal lobe and the hippocampus it contained. Still… could the brainstem really somehow force lasting changes in a different part of the brain, on a level outside its theorized functions?
It was easier to see how having a new of memories would affect a person's personality. That was also controlled by different regions of the brain, supposedly mostly the prefrontal and orbitofrontal cortexes. But that by itself was too simplistic a model, since a person's experiences did play a part in shaping who they were.
It was nature vs nurture, in a way. Identical twins could become vastly different persons based on different environmental exposure, and consequently different life experiences, which were recorded in a person's memories. And those memories, in turn, consisted of the stored, at-hand information the personality regions had as a baseline to measure behaviour against. So if those memories suddenly changed, it was likely that it would affect SOMETHING in how a person acted.
That drew parallels with her own situation, where her Alpha worldline counterpart had already having engaged in certain… 'physical activities' with Okabe. Maybe that her brain now didn't see as much of an issue in repeating that path? What was the big deal in kissing him? They'd done it before, right? Only, they hadn't, as that had been her other self. But how would her personality neurons know the difference?
Yet when it came to Reading Steiner and Okabe, a second set of memories wasn't how it went down. It was erasure of the past self, pure and simple. And the mechanism behind it was a complete mystery.
Of course, the problem was that all this reasoned from within the currently existing scientific theory. Time travel had supposedly never existed before. Consequently, the effects on time travel on a brain had never been researched, which in turn meant there was no existing theory on it. And assuming time travel was indeed possible, as it seemed to be, that meant there was no way to really discredit what Okabe said.
What if Okabe was simply correct? Did he have a reason to lie about this? He did, but he didn't seem to be aware of it yet. If he'd wanted to lie, he should have constructed this in a different way. So were the proposed effects of Reading Steiner then just another unknown pathway in how the brain functioned?
"I… Well… I suppose I never thought about it that way," Okabe replied, interrupting her thoughts. "I always saw things from my perspective, and never from the perspective of 'me' I ended up replacing. But again, why is this still relevant? What's done is done, right?"
Annoyance sparked, lingering towards anger.
"Do you think your past self would be agreeable to you casually destroying his existence like that and then being so dismissive about it?" she demanded.
Indeed, what would that have been like for Okabe's alternate self, to unsuspectingly pick up his phone, or just go about his business as usual, and to suddenly and completely have his identity erased and consciousness taken away from him, possibly forever?
Did that make the original Okabe a murderer?
Actually, when it came to the already present versions of him before he went into a worldline, ceasing to exist, or death, was probably the best case scenario. A less favourable option was that the previously present version of him simply got 'imprisoned', and was still aware of what was going on, but unable to do anything at all.
That was scarily similar to Locked-In syndrome, where a damaged brain part, usually the pons, caused completely paralysis in a patient, yet still allowed him to retain a varying degree of awareness to what was going on around him. And often with no hope of recovery.
As a neuroscientist, that was one of the very worst fates for a person she could possibly think of. The only real positive here was that the previous version of Okabe had a decent chance to still be able to see and hear what was going on.
And all of the above led to one very frightening thought…
"Okay, stop right there. Where is this coming from, Kurisu? What's the issue, really?" he replied, leaning towards her, clearly worried.
She only sighed. "Think on it, Okabe. What is the main difference between you as an observer and everyone else?"
"That I had perfect recollection of the previous worldline, while everyone else doesn't."
"Or by another definition, that you have many more memories of previous worldlines than anyone else."
"I suppose so?"
"And your best guess is that Reading Steiner is a genetic trait, expressed in varying strengths through the populace?"
"Yes, just as I said back in-"
He froze.
Realization dawned on his features.
It was soon replaced by horror.
She nodded and looked him straight in the eyes. "How many memories of an alternate worldline can someone else have before THEY get overwritten too, before they cease to exist? Reading Steiner would logically work for them the same way as it does for you, only slower, right?"
How many more memories can I take before I'm completely replaced with Alpha worldline Kurisu?
Am I going to go into a memory one day only to disappear or end up paralyzed for the rest of my life?
That was something on a completely different level than just having her behavior influenced by her phantom self. Her phantom self was going to BECOME her and the cost was her life!
Even as she thought it, she felt herself sliding into panic. She was facing death or a fate worse than death, which could happen at ANY time, without ANY warning, and there was nothing she could do to stop it!
…was there?
"W-wait, maybe that won't ever happen," he quickly said. "If Reading Steiner's replacement mechanism is tied to memories, and the only known way to trigger that is to have ALL the memories, isn't that needlessly worrying? Is it even possible for someone without perfect Reading Steiner to regain all the lost memories?"
"Are you trying to dismiss this as a baseless fear, Okabe!?" she cried. "That's easy for you to say, isn't it? Your survival is guaranteed, but what about everyone else!? Not everything is about you!"
He extended his arm towards her. "No, I-"
She took a step back, even though he couldn't reach her from his still sitting position. "All everyone needs is a push, isn't it? Those were YOUR words! So basically, as far as we know, every push you give me brings me closer to oblivion, right!?"
Oblivion.
The same oblivion she'd thought she was going to enter back then.
When he hit her with the taser.
When Suzuha was going to shoot her.
He'd already effectively killed his past self, and had no remorse over it.
So what would her fate matter to him, if it gave him his past girlfriend back?
"Kurisu, I'd never-!"
"Wouldn't you!? Wasn't that exactly what you were hoping for!? To regain the me from back then? Don't you think sacrificing me for that is an acceptable price!? That's why you're even telling me all this, aren't you!?"
Some of the other playground occupants were now glancing their way, no doubt wondering what the commotion was about.
She ignored them.
Okabe stumbled to his feet.
But even as he did, she realized something.
There was something she could still do to protect herself.
All these memories were being triggered by Okabe, or at the very least accelerated by his presence.
So she fled, leaving him behind.
He couldn't follow; he was too tired.
"KURISU!"
His broken voice followed her out of sight.
Author's notes:
If you liked this story, would you mind sharing your thoughts? I'm always looking for constructive criticism to find out what worked and what didn't, and to improve from this feedback!
On the chapter, this one was originally going to be like 25% of the length and then move on to the content of what will now be chapter 5. However, the plan for this story has changed since the amount of projected chapters has now been doubled from the 5 or 6 there were to 12. As a result, I had to work in some things to better set them up. And on that subject, this chapter was then projected to be longer, like chapter 3-ish in length. However, I wanted to cut it here since it was the most natural cut-off point. In story structure, this is commonly known as 'the black moment' of a romance story (part one, in this case) and it didn't work well trying to go past it in one chapter. That also meant that the potential more philosophical discussion regarding Reading Steiner and free will in relation to the concepts of I.E. divergence etc. unfortunately got pushed back to chapter 5 (apologies, Defnitelynotapuppet).
In an earlier draft, this entire chapter was also pure humor and fluff. I realized however that it heavily lacked conflict and that SERN is only one part of their combined trauma, with the actual major one being operation Skuld/what happened during the Nakabachi attack. To have this issue completely disappear following only chapter 1 and 2 felt really strange to me, since it's unrealistic that trauma that heavy can vanish instantly following a single 'treatment session'. I might have glossed over that if we were sticking to the original 5 chapters, but that's no longer the case. This lingering trauma again clashes with the obvious influences of Kurisu's memories from the Alpha wordline influencing her, which made keeping her emotions believable somewhat of an issue. I do believe however that no matter how logical she is, something like the realization she had at the end would panic her, especially since she would probably link that to the trauma at Radi-Kan. I wonder what the Reader's thoughts on this are?
On that last subject, I ran into some problems thinking of How Okabe was going to resolve this issue at the end. If you, as the reader, were Okabe here, how would you try to fix this? Do you think Kurisu's interpretation of the 'dark side' of Reading Steiner is valid, and if yes/no, why, and what would you do about Kurisu's concerns about this?
Maybe some fun facts about writing this: I was initially struggling with the start of this chapter. In one version, Kurisu was really happy at the start and then remained that way all until the end (problem: lack of conflict). In a second write, I had her realize the problem at the end instantly and had her be a bit moody or reserved about everything. But this hugely clashed with the end of chapter 3 and her assumed mental state there. So at the end I used both, starting with happy Kurisu and then gradually having the mood somber a bit near the midpoint towards the end.
Overall, I'm not entirely sure about the overall contents of this chapter compared to the prior three, since a lot of the earlier half is basically Kurisu's mirror to Okabe's obsessive thinking on her in chapter 3. I felt it was still fun or interesting enough to see this from her perspective backup up by the knowledge of a neuroscientist, but I might be wrong and that it will be considered boring by some readers. I can only hope the fluff and Kurisu's slipups will compensate, in that case. I suppose only the reactions will tell me.
Well, until next time!
Kind regards,
Dieuw