Chapter 8

"How is Captain Andor?" Chirrut barely waited for her to enter the ship before asking. It was uncanny how he could tell who was approaching.

"Stable. Resting. Looks like he'll make it." She wasn't sure what else to tell them, so instead she turned the conversation. "What's our status? Melshi done reporting in yet and getting new orders?"

Baze shook his head. "He hasn't come back, so no word on that. Bodhi commed in a few minutes ago that he and Tonc had docked. They'll be here shortly."

"Okay. I'll let K know their ship is here."

"You are worried?"

Jyn could wish Chirrut wasn't so astute. "Yeah, a little. Things are kind of a mess right now. I…I've got a lot to think about."

"You have a good heart, Jyn. You will make the correct decision."

Her brow knit at Chirrut's cryptic words. It sounded as if he knew what weighed on her, without her explaining. She gave a slight shake to her head. She would almost believe he did. He might claim not to be a Jedi, but there were times she couldn't think of any other explanation for what he said or did. "Uh, yeah, thanks."

Before anything more could be said, Jyn continued on to her cabin and closed the door. The datacard was in her hand without her even noticing she was pulling it from her pocket. For several seconds she merely stared at it, torn between wanting and not wanting to see what it contained. Then she straightened and took a seat, picking up the datapad.

She had been reading for nearly an hour when there was a soft tapping at the door. "Yes?"

"Jyn?" It was Bodhi. "Did you want to come with us to the mess hall to eat?"

She marked her place in the file and ejected the datacard, slipping it into her pocket. Not something she wanted to leave laying around. It startled Bodhi when she opened the door. "We're not leaving?"

He shook his head. "Melshi sent word that Onoran put us on standby, and said stay here for the time being."

That was odd, but then Jyn didn't understand a great deal that command did. She hesitated, but Cassian's file made for heavy reading. It was probably wise to step away from it for a while and spend time with friends. It would be easy to drown in the horrors Cassian had lived through in his short life. She was only maybe a third of the way through it and already she had a better idea of why he was so troubled. Already she had greater anger toward Draven for training him to go that far, ordering him to go that far.

"Yeah, let's eat."

xxxxx

Jyn switched off the datapad and removed the datacard, staring at it resting in her palm. Such a tiny thing, but it held an entire planet's worth of hurt. A drop splashed on her wrist, and she suddenly realized she was weeping. She brushed at the tears, something virtually unknown to her.

When Krennic had killed her mother and taken her father, Jyn had sat hidden in the cave waiting for Saw to come for her. And she had wept until she couldn't weep anymore. That was the last time she had permitted herself the luxury. There was no room for tears in Saw's camp among the Partisans. Any emotion that might lead to tears was channeled into the Cause, into vengeance. She had learned that lesson well.

Throughout her life there had only been a few times when moisture sprang to her eyes, but it never fell. She tamped it down as firmly as she did the packing in her explosives, kept it under full control. But now, the tears streamed freely from her eyes and she could not check the flood.

She had never wept for her own lost childhood, for everything she had sacrificed. She had mourned it, but not wept. Yet she sat here sobbing over the life Cassian had been forced to live. The file told the details of his time with the Alliance, but it did not tell everything. It did not even allude to what the toll would have been on his soul to do some of the things he had done. Cassian was a good and loyal soldier, and his hatred of the Empire completely fixed. He would have done whatever was necessary to stop them, and the Alliance, particularly Draven, had taken advantage of that.

She understood now what he had meant when he said he and the others he recruited for Rogue One had done 'terrible' things on behalf of the Rebellion. For all the Alliance liked to believe themselves 'better' than Saw, in some ways they were not so different – willing to compromise to achieve their goal. And soldiers like Cassian were the ones to suffer for it.

But she had come to know Cassian and despite his hardness and fixed loyalty, he was not untouched by the things that he did. Like she had told K, every questionable thing he did also created a self-inflicted wound. There was no going to the medbay after a mission to heal those wounds. They treated the outward injuries, but did nothing about the hidden ones, the ones festering away inside. It was difficult to even conceive how he had survived twenty years of such torture.

Scarif was supposed to have been a cleansing for those soldiers, even if it had to be their final act in life. They ended their lives doing something of which they didn't need to be ashamed. But what about Cassian? And Melshi and Tonc? They hadn't been fully absolved. They had returned and were being sent right back out to commit more questionable acts. She didn't know Melshi or Tonc's history, but because they seemed to have adjusted back to working in the Rebellion, Jyn had assumed Cassian would also. Now she was not so sure of that.

He had tried, it was clear, but the report K had given of this last mission indicated a lapse in focus. K hadn't said it that way, but she could read between the lines. K would never say or do anything to make Cassian appear negligent or incompetent, but there was just the slightest difference in this report from the previous ones. It wasn't the first time Cassian had run into trouble, or been injured – no one could be so lucky as to always escape cleanly. But K had known that Cassian wasn't at his best and there was a note of worry. Likely Draven wouldn't notice it, but Jyn did. She had come to know K the past couple of months, something Draven had never bothered to do. She heard more than what was said. Draven wasn't even listening.

What now? Melshi's team had been fortunate not to be deployed yet, but she didn't doubt they would be soon. The frustration she had felt standing in Cassian's hospital room returned. It all came back to this – how could she help Cassian from a distance? For that matter, how could she even help him if she was standing in the same room? She wasn't trained for this sort of thing. She hadn't grown up learning compassion and empathy, or how to soothe those who needed it. Her life had been spent emotionally separating herself from others, not drawing near and sharing their pain, easing their burden.

She slammed her fist down on the table. No. She was a fighter and she was not going to back down. Over and over Cassian had come back for her, made sure she was safe. She was not going to leave him to cope with this alone. Maybe she didn't know how to help, but she'd find a way. She'd read, she'd ask questions, she'd even beat an answer out of someone if that's what it took. Jyn Erso had been abandoned repeatedly in the course of her life, but she was never guilty of abandoning anyone else. Cassian would not be the first.

xxxxx

"General, may we speak?"

Draven raised an eyebrow at Mon Mothma, but nodded. "Of course."

She gestured toward his small office where their conversation would be private. Once they were both seated, she met his gaze. "This is regarding Captain Andor. And Jyn Erso."

Draven's features hardened, but he made no comment.

Ignoring his evident resistance, she pressed on. "Captain Andor has been fighting with us since he was a boy, as you know. And we have increasingly asked…difficult…things of him. It has always been a challenge accomplishing what needs to be done without destroying ourselves in the process. Captain Andor, even more than most, has been willing to take on that burden, I suspect partly so that others won't have to.

"However, since Scarif, I have seen a change in him. How much of it is conscious and how much of it he is unaware, I do not know, but he has…lost his center. He expected death on that mission, had accepted that inevitability, as I think the others who went also had. For most of them, it proved to be the case. But for…Cassian, it did not end as expected, and now he is faced with the continuation of his life. I spoke with Sergeant Melshi and Corporal Tonc, and both indicated that they had volunteered to go in part to redeem themselves for some of their past actions in our behalf. With the Council refusing to act, they didn't want the Alliance to disband with them having done so many questionable things only to give up at the end. Scarif was the opportunity to make sure that everything they had done counted for something, and in that I think they succeeded."

She fell silent, and Draven avoided looking at her, reluctantly pondering her words. They had spoken of this issue before, in more general terms. It did not bode well that she was being more specific now.

"At any rate, you are much too astute, General, to have missed the connection that Cassian has formed with Jyn, and vice versa. You have thought to separate them in order to get him back to what he was before all this began and Jyn Erso came to us. I believe that is a mistake. I do not think he can go back to that – he is changed. He can still be an effective member of the Alliance, possibly even as an agent, but to do that, I think you must bring the two of them together and let them figure out where they stand. When you separated them, you also separated their focus. And I do not think it wise to have an agent who has some portion of their focus on anything other than the job he or she is doing."

"And you don't think that together they won't be even more distracted, unfocused?" he argued. "Part of why Andor has been so effective has been that he kept himself apart from others. 'Socializing' might be good for him, but I seriously doubt it will be good for the Alliance."

"Perhaps not, but I think we owe it to him to let him make the choice. If he has more to give us, then he will, I am certain. No matter what, he is devoted to the Cause. It simply may be that he needs now to find other ways to assist us. And while Jyn Erso may not be what you would consider an ideal recruit, under Captain Andor's influence, she could prove herself a valuable asset for us as well. She has already contributed greatly on Melshi's team. The sum may prove greater than the parts."

Draven wasn't convinced, but he did understand that this was not entirely a mere suggestion for him to consider. "If that is what you want, I'll do it, but I am going on record as disagreeing with this decision. As I said before, Erso has no loyalty to anyone or anything except herself. She's a common criminal and would have been better left in prison on Wobani. Their rogue mission to Scarif didn't change my mind about that."

"I understand. I hope you are pleasantly surprised. Thank you." With an enigmatic smile, she rose and departed, leaving Draven to stew alone.

xxxxx

Even though they were still without assignment the next morning, Jyn found herself reluctant to go to the medbay to check on Cassian. She trusted Dr. Lesorid about his recovery from this, but that just made it easier not to confront the difficult conversation that needed to be spoken between them. She told herself it would be too soon anyway, that he would be weak and not up to such a discussion, but the truth was that it scared her to death even thinking about it. Jyn wasn't known for her communication skills. Usually she allowed her fists or her weapons to do the talking for her. Speaking freely about emotions and fears and things like that terrified her, made her feel vulnerable. She had spent her life trying to get to a place where she never felt vulnerable.

For that matter, she had no clue what to say to Cassian. What words would ease his pain or help him heal in any way, particularly what words that she might speak? Unfortunately, she had become a member of the Alliance and was assigned to a team. Onoran was not going to let them sit at their leisure for very long. If she didn't approach him now and try to do something, the opportunity would pass and no telling when another might come – or what might happen in the interim.

Well, there was one thing she was reasonably good at – improvising. Walking into an unknown situation and making up a plan on the fly. It looked like that would be her only option here. Even with that realization, Jyn still did not go to see Cassian until that afternoon, and part of her half-hoped he would be asleep. Not unconscious – that would suggest greater injury than recovery – but asleep would buy her more time.

Probably she should have been glad that he wasn't, when she knocked on his door, but at that moment she found it difficult to be grateful. He was pale and weak, but while he favored her with a wan smile, there was no light in his eyes. Hard as this was, it needed to be done.

Clearing her throat, she stepped into the room and moved a little closer to the bed.

"You once told me that I wasn't the only one to have lost everything in this war, and you were right. But neither are you the only one to have done things they regret, things they would wish un-done." She sighed. "Cassian, war is ugly. Even just a rebellion is. Sometimes…sometimes it feels like we become the very thing that we hate in an effort to make things better. Maybe the difference is that we care, and the enemy doesn't. We would gladly find another way if we could, but sometimes there isn't any other way. And there are those like you and me and Melshi and the others who went to Scarif who do it so someone else doesn't have that weight on their souls. So they can live in peace."

She plopped down in the chair next to his bed, picking at a ragged fingernail. "You're right that not everyone would be able to accept what we've done without thinking us monsters, and maybe you're right in thinking what you've done is worse than what I've done, but you're wrong that people can't still care about you. I guess K might not count, but there's Melshi, Baze, Chirrut, Bodhi, Tonc…even me. All of us have your back, Cassian. We know of your darkness and still we have your back."

He turned on his side, facing away from her. After a moment, she noticed tremors of his shoulders, his body. Was he weeping? She abruptly stood and stretched out a hand, but hesitated to touch him. Obviously he didn't want her to see this, but… She chewed her lip for a moment, then settled her hand on his shoulder. He stiffened at her touch, but could not hold back the emotion that filled him. There wasn't much room, but she laid down on the bed pressed close behind him, draping her arm protectively over his waist. At a time like this, she would not want to feel alone. She wasn't going to let him feel that way either. Suddenly a warm hand grasped hers and gripped it tightly. Jyn closed her eyes, and smiled.

When at length he seemed to calm somewhat, she told him, "In case you were wondering, K doesn't like to feel powerless to help when you are in need." She was rewarded with a thin laugh, as she had hoped.

A slight noise drew her attention to the doorway, though Cassian didn't appear to have noticed. Dr. Lesorid stood there, and she met his gaze evenly. After a moment, he gave her a smile and moved away, leaving them as they were.

Jyn didn't know how long she stayed there beside Cassian, but finally his breathing deepened and he slept. Her arm was cramped between the two of them, so she carefully slid off the bed to get circulation going again. Hopefully her discomfort had been worthwhile. Probably she would only know that when he awoke and they could talk.

With a sigh, she walked out of the room. When she reached the waiting area, Dr. Lesorid was standing there, and looked up at her. "Oh…um…I'm sorry about…" She gestured vaguely in the direction of Cassian's room.

He faced her squarely. "Why are you sorry? I'm not."

Her puzzled expression made him sigh. "Come with me."

He led her to a small office and closed the door. Once they were seated, neither spoke for several minutes. At length, he steepled his hands on his desk and told her, "When a person has suffered great trauma, physical or mental, it can affect the way that they think. Some become so lost in the trauma in their mind that they feel like a shell, a ghost. Usually people believe that medicine cures illness, but I have found that the mind can play a tremendous role as well. I've seen people, who should have died, literally will themselves to live, refuse to give up. That's when you hear whispers about 'miracles'. But I've also seen people who should have survived injuries die anyway because they mentally gave up on living." He stopped, pondering his next words.

"I'm not saying that Captain Andor is near death, not physically, though that could still happen. But I am saying that mentally he is reaching the breaking point. I only overheard part of what you said to him, but the fact that it could make him weep, and cause him to allow you to hold him while he wept…well, I judge that to be a good sign. A sign that, at least for now, he is holding on. He isn't 'well' by any measure, but that is progress for him. You haven't given up on him, and your force of will is pressing him not to give up on himself. So, no, I'm not sorry for what I just witnessed. Keep it up. Do it more." He smiled. "Doctor's orders."

Jyn bit her lip, but hesitantly returned the smile.

"I don't know you well, Sergeant Erso, but I suspect you have similar issues and trauma to those of Captain Andor, and need to do some healing yourself. Perhaps you feel what I am asking of you is too difficult. But I have not seen any evidence that you shy away from a fight that might be hard, or painful to you personally. Please, if you possibly can, don't shy away now. Not only could it help Captain Andor, but it might help you in the bargain."

xxx

When she arrived at his room the next day, Cassian was propped up on pillows, though his eyes were closed. She wasn't sure if he was sleeping or not, and for a moment she hesitated, not wanting to disturb him. Just then his eyes blinked open, and brightened slightly at seeing her. "Jyn." He smiled.

"You're awake, then." A rather obvious statement, but she wasn't sure what to say to him now. Between her efforts at comforting him, and Dr. Lesorid's comments afterwards, she felt even more out of her depth. 'Nurturing' wasn't a skill Saw taught to his followers, or even encouraged at all.

"For a little while now. They said I should sit up some, that the change in position would be good for me."

His features were still drawn though he had a little more color in his face; certainly he looked much healthier than he had when they brought him in. "I'm…I'm glad you're feeling better." She winced. Dr. Lesorid thought she could help Cassian when she couldn't even manage to hold an intelligent conversation with him?

His head was leaning back against the pillows, but his eyes were watching her closely. It was somewhat unnerving. She almost thought he seemed to be looking for something, or anticipating something. It was how he'd looked during her interrogation.

"I half expected you to have left by now," he said quietly. "After Scarif was finished."

Her lips pursed. "Where would I go? Besides, someone told me this could be my new home, if I wanted it."

He nodded and smiled again. "Yes. I hope you want it."

"I guess maybe I do. I'm still here all these months later."

They both lapsed into silence, not entirely able to meet one another's gaze. Finally, he said, "I hear you're on Melshi's team now. I sort of thought Solo's way of operating would suit you more."

She shrugged. "It does, in general. It's better than being expected to follow military discipline and procedures. But Melshi's been good about letting us be a little more…rogue, at least when we're away from base. I guess he liked how we all worked together on…Scarif. And he's gathered the team that survived, so I'm with family. Mostly. There are still two members absent."

He shifted position in the bed, wincing slightly as it pulled on his injured shoulder. "I'm not sure having us all together will ever be possible," he said quietly.

More silence blanketed the room. At length, she reached in her jacket pocket. "I guess I should return this to you." She pulled out the comlink. "I'm sorry I overlooked putting it with your things."

He made no move to reach for it. "K contacted you for assistance, using that. Maybe…maybe you should hold onto it. I…I made another. K can tell the difference between them."

After a moment, she nodded and slipped it back into her pocket.

"I'm surprised your team hasn't been sent back out."

She gave him a look that said she didn't understand it any better than he did. "For now, Onoran has told us to stand down and remain here. Not sure why. If he explained it to Melshi, he didn't pass it on to us. I don't know how long it will last. I doubt they can keep us out of action very long."

"That's true. But I'm glad to get to see you. Hopefully the others will also drop by to visit before you have to leave."

"I'm sure they will."

Jyn couldn't believe how inane their conversation had become. They sounded like polite strangers passing the time of day. This wasn't them – her and Cassian. After all they'd been through together, this was not them at all. Why could they not seem to return to the ease and closeness of before? The ease two people shared in the Citadel Tower, and when they thought death was unavoidable? Was that it? Had that closeness been an illusion brought on by the nearness of death? Was it never meant to continue into a living world? That was a depressing thought.

She stood. "I should probably let you get some rest."

As she reached the door, he called out. "Jyn?"

"Yeah?" She didn't look back at him. Idly she rubbed her finger over a rough spot in the door frame.

"Did…did you mean it?"

He didn't explain his question; he didn't need to – she understood. She glanced over her shoulder and nodded. "Yes. Yes, I meant it."

He stared down at the blanket covering him, then asked quietly, carefully, "Do you know? You know, don't you?"

Again, she understood what he left unsaid. "Yeah. I know. I wanted to…be sure, before I said anything to you." She looked up and he met her eyes. "I wanted to be certain I spoke the truth."

After a moment, he nodded, dropping his gaze. Without another word, she slipped out the door and left him to his thoughts.

Cassian was sorry to see her go, but perhaps for the moment it was best. He needed to do some thinking, not easy when he felt so numb. Physically, he was tired, but otherwise on the mend and fairly comfortable. The numbness wasn't due to his injury, then, at least not his physical injuries. He knew Jyn Erso well enough by now to realize she had likely sliced into his file. He grinned ruefully – he wouldn't be at all surprised if K had helped her do it. Whatever animosity they had initially had for one another, it seemed to have been mutually set aside in the interest of looking out for Cassian.

She'd said he had friends who cared about him, and it was difficult to dispute that – at least with regard to her and K. She had discounted the droid, but he wasn't sure that could be done. K might not be human, but in many ways he was Cassian's closest friend. And Jyn… He rubbed wearily at his forehead. What about Jyn? His hand slid down to press at the kyber crystal still around his neck. He should have offered to return it when she mentioned the comlink, but part of him hadn't wanted to lose that connection to her. There was something comforting in feeling it resting against his chest, almost as though she was with him even when several star systems separated them.

But now what? Draven wasn't much interested in catering to friendships for his agents. Likely the General viewed such relationships as unnecessary distractions. He had always only tolerated K's presence, after Cassian acquired the droid, and probably only agreed to his remaining because of the uses to which he could be put.

He growled softly. His thoughts were just chasing in circles, but answers were elusive. One thing he was beginning to know, though, was that he might not ever be able to go back to what he had been before Scarif. Draven wouldn't like it; he'd say that Jyn had ruined one of his best agents. But it wasn't Jyn's doing, at least nothing she had consciously done. Draven had brought this on himself. He was the one to send them off to Jedha and then Eadu, together, even with a kill order on her father given to Cassian. How had he thought that would turn out? Had he really believed she wouldn't object to Cassian killing the man? If it had come down to it, likely she would have directly fought Cassian to prevent it. She hadn't followed him off the ship on Eadu in order to see her father, she had done it to stop him from completing his mission. She had realized his intent, just as Bodhi had while on that ridge. It just hadn't played out so that they confronted one another, and the matter was taken out of their hands by Alliance bombs.

There was a tap at his door. "Come in."

Bodhi's head appeared, hesitant. "I..I don't want to disturb you."

"No, not at all. Come in, Bodhi." He shoved his thoughts aside for further examination later.

"I just…just wanted to see how you were doing. Jyn said you were awake now." He eased a little farther into the room.

Cassian gestured to his bandaged shoulder. "Aside from this, I'm doing pretty well. Thanks for helping get me back here."

Bodhi nodded. "Sure. We'd never leave you behind if we could help it. I'm glad you're feeling better."

"So, any news?"

"Nothing much. Until something changes at Yavin, we'll be hindered. Hopefully they can break the blockade soon. Did Jyn tell you we recovered your ship? While they got you and K out, Tonc and I went after it."

"Good. We can't afford to lose any more ships if we can avoid it."

"It feels strange not having you with us. On the team, I mean. Everyone else is from Rogue One so it just…just feels like you and K should be there, too. But I guess they need you for other things."

"Yeah, I suppose so. My missions usually were different from what Melshi did. Maybe if we can find a new base we'll at least see a little more of each other." Cassian had been with the Alliance too long to think a base would quickly be found and established, but it was the only hope he could offer Bodhi.

"Yeah, maybe. I guess K's glad to finally be back with you again. Jyn was pretty mad that Draven hadn't even told him that we had survived and were rescued."

Cassian smiled, imagining Jyn's fury. Draven must not have been in her general vicinity when she found out, or likely she would have acted first and worried about the consequences later. And he wouldn't blame her too much either. Draven should have had the courtesy to let K know, even if he was just a droid. With as long as he had been Cassian's companion, he deserved to know. He was glad Jyn had interceded on the droid's behalf.

"How are the others doing?" he asked, leaning back into the pillows. "Baze, Chirrut, Tonc. I haven't seen Baze and Chirrut since we left the medical frigate the first time after I was back on duty."

"They're good. They…they seem to like working with our team. It's kind of strange, all of us working together. I mean, it's not like we all have similar skills or anything, but Melshi knows how to use us together to accomplish what needs doing. Somehow it just sort of works." He blushed slightly. "And…and Jyn insisted on teaching me to defend myself. I'm not very good at it, but I guess I'm better than I was when I met all of you on Jedha."

"Jyn would be a good one to teach you. At the very least, it might help you not get hurt if someone attacks you, or if you need to help someone who is being attacked. It's easier to act if you have some idea what to do to help."

"Yeah, I suppose so. Tonc's been teaching me to shoot a blaster, too. That'll probably be good to know. Up til now, he's sort of provided blaster cover when I've needed it. The Empire didn't particularly want their shuttle pilots armed." He grinned ruefully, causing Cassian to force a hollow chuckle.

"No, I guess not. But it sounds like you're doing well, learning a lot of new things. You're turning into quite a rebel."

Bodhi looked down at his hands, his face flushing. "Well, I'm trying, you know?" He looked back up. "I want to be useful."

Cassian nodded his understanding and they both fell silent, until Bodhi asked, "Your shoulder – is it mending? Will you be up and around soon?"

Cassian averted his eyes. "It's getting there. I lost quite a lot of blood so I need to regain my strength. Once the wound is fully healed, I'll need therapy to get the shoulder flexible again." He carefully kept his tone neutral, not wanting to discuss a return to duty or how soon it might happen.

"I don't know that we'll be around for..for long, but if you need anything while we're here, just say the word. One of us will see that you get it."

Cassian smiled at his earnestness. Yes, certainly he could add Bodhi to his list of friends also. In some ways, he thought Bodhi needed the friendship even more than he did. "Thanks, Bodhi. I'll keep that in mind."

They talked a little while longer, until Bodhi noticed his flagging energy and struggle to keep his eyes open. "Get some rest. I'll come back later if I can. Maybe bring Baze and Chirrut with me."

"Yeah, good. Thanks." As Bodhi left the room, he relaxed into the pillows with a long sigh.

To be continued…

invented characters:

Sergeant Daster – head of the tech shop on the tech frigate

Dr Lesorid – kind doctor caring for Cassian

All other characters actually are taken from the existing Star Wars universe.

Ch 8 note: From Wookieepedia: "Mon Mothma stated that she didn't particularly like working with Intelligence, adding that agents like Davits Draven had a chilly moral pragmatism that they could use to justify any crime."; "Mothma, however, worried about the terrible things Andor and other Rebel agents were asked to do in the name of the Rebellion. Mothma wondered if command was doing enough to help agents like Andor to cope with the psychological damage inflicted by their actions."