A/N: My apologies for the delay in posting - my computer and I have been having an argument about what it will and won't do. Plus, I forgot it was Wednesday, too...

Chapter 9

"Hey, Jyn." Bodhi settled at the table across from her. He looked at her hands wrapped around the cup of caf and her eyes barely open. "That all you're having for breakfast?"

She let out a long breath. "No, I'm just starting with this before I eat."

Just then Tonc arrived and took a seat beside her, handing over the second plate of food on his tray.

"And I might have talked Tonc into getting something for me while he was in line."

Tonc didn't look up from his own plate. "Yeah, but next time you go for the food while I sit and wait."

She pouted. "I thought you guys loved me."

Tonc continued stirring all his food into one mass, a peculiar habit he had, or maybe he thought it made it taste better. "We do," he replied. "We're just not willing to wait on you hand and foot."

Baze and Chirrut came to join them and she said, "I bet Baze would."

"Would what?" he grunted.

"Wait on me hand and foot? Tonc says no."

"Nope, not me. I already do that for Chirrut. One's enough."

She chuckled and fell to eating. "You lot are no fun."

None of them were especially chatty, so the rest of the meal was mostly eaten in silence, and then Baze and Chirrut drifted away, soon followed by Tonc. Only Bodhi lingered, and Jyn got the impression something was on his mind. She waited for him to work up the nerve to speak as she finished her caf.

"Jyn, can…can I ask you something?"

She nodded. "Sure."

"It's about…it's about Cassian." She stiffened slightly, but let him continue.

"He…it just seems like he's different now. Changed. I'm not sure how to explain it. I mean…I guess we don't really know him well – I only spent about a week with him, but still…I just…" He shrugged. "I'm worried about him."

She blew out a slow breath. "Yeah." How to explain without saying too much. "He's struggling right now. There are things he's done in his life and they're messing with his head. He's trying to sort himself out, but it's not the kind of fight he's used to, you know?"

Bodhi considered, then asked quietly, "Is there anything we can do to help?"

She smiled. "Just keep being his friend, and let him know you're there to talk or listen or whatever he needs. But some of it he just has to work out for himself. We can't do it for him."

"You'd tell me if there was, though, right? I mean, it's not like I'm the most observant guy or anything, but if I missed something, you'd tell me, right?"

She reached over and caught his wrist in her grasp, squeezing it reassuringly. "Of course I would. For him, for you, for any of the team. Count on it."

He smiled in relief. "Good. We on later for fight training?"

She glanced at the wall chron. "Yep, two hours. See you then."

After he disappeared, she chewed her lip thoughtfully. Cassian. She couldn't imagine they'd stay here much longer – she was running out of time. The problem was, what to do in the time that she had. Should she even attempt anything while he was recovering physically? If she left and he got well, Draven would have him right back in the thick of it, whether he was ready or not. And she wouldn't be around to fight for him.

She shoved to her feet and set down her cup on the tray Tonc left. Whatever, she couldn't waste the time. If nothing else, she would simply sit with him and let the conversation go where it would.

xx

"Still here?" Cassian asked, smiling as she stepped into the room.

"For the moment. Maybe Onoran forgot we were here and has overlooked us for the time being. He'll get over that soon enough."

"He will that. And I doubt he forgot. More likely he's just trying to decide how to use the team."

She pulled a chair around so she could sit facing him. "You bored yet? You're awake and not bleeding, so I assume you're ready to get moving again. You usually are."

Jyn didn't miss the tension in his smile, his attempt at good humor. "Maybe not yet."

"Good. I know you had two months off, but you still need the rest, and the break from it."

"Jyn…"

"No point arguing with me. You won't change my mind about that. They keep patching up the obvious stuff and ignoring the more severe hidden wounds. It isn't right. You don't put a bandage over a tiny cut and leave broken bones untended."

He looked away, but his mouth pinched into a narrow line. At length, he reminded her, "They do when you are at war."

"Then they're wasting their resources. Using defective weapons only gets more people killed, it doesn't win wars." She sighed. "I know sometimes it's unavoidable, but not always." She looked closely at him. "You kept going on Scarif despite all your injuries because you had to, because it was the only way to accomplish our mission. The same reason I left you lying there and kept going rather than coming down to check on you, help you. But that isn't always the case, Cassian. Sometimes there's a choice."

"Would you have come down for me if you could choose?" He avoided looking at her as he asked the question.

"Absolutely. If Krennic hadn't appeared and I got the plans sent, I would have come back to you. You…just beat me to it, that's all." She blew out a breath. "Much as I didn't like it, if your injuries – or death – were to have any meaning, we needed to succeed. You wanted to give up when we lost K. I wanted to give up when I lost you. But we didn't, we couldn't."

Both fell silent, looking anywhere but at each other. After several minutes had passed, Cassian admitted, "I'm not sure I know how to stop. I haven't stopped moving since I was six years old. It always seemed like one more mission might make the difference. When it didn't, then maybe the one after that would. If I stop, will I stop just short of the one that would matter? What if I stop too soon?"

"Don't stop, Cassian, just go in another direction. They don't need you to be willing to do anything. They need to find other ways to accomplish what needs doing, ways that don't compromise your sanity and health. It can be done, if they try a little harder. You've become their easy way out too often."

"I'm not sure I can leave the past behind, Jyn. It seems simple when you are here, but afterwards…"

"You're not alone, even when I'm not sitting here with you."

His hand moved slightly where it lay on the bed near her, causing him to wince as the motion tugged at his shoulder injury. Jyn noticed the movement, though, and reached over to clasp his hand in hers. Softly she told him, "Rogue One made a good team on Scarif. We still are. If not me, you still have the others, even K. You're not alone." She sighed. "You and I, we've carried our pasts on our backs since we were small. We really need to find a way to lay down our burden so we can move forward."

"I…I never said it, but…I'm sorry that I lied to you about your father, Jyn. Until I met you, orders were something to be followed without question. But after those hours of coming to know you, there just wasn't any way I could follow through on that order. Your father's death was my fault. I knew the Alliance would send a squadron when they lost contact with me, would assume that I had failed and would go to a backup plan. It was my fault your father died, and I'm sorry."

"No! Don't lie to me or yourself, Cassian. It was Draven's fault. Mon Mothma said bring my father back to testify and I believe she fully intended that. Draven gave you a different order, one she likely did not know about. It was natural for you to follow that order as you always had. In the end, when you realized the situation had changed, you balked and didn't go through with it. They sent the squadron because they lost contact with you, but without contact how could you tell them not to come? It was wrong to obey an order that you knew wasn't right, but in the end, you didn't."

Cassian had closed his eyes, but his expression left Jyn in no doubt that he was still tormented by the part he had played. She rose and stepped close, laying a hand on the side of his face. His eyes came open in surprise. "You chose the right. Maybe there were plenty of times through the years when you didn't, but don't take the blame for my father. That one isn't on you."

His eyes flickered, dead, listless. "Why are you here?"

It might be considered a rude question by some, but what Jyn saw in his face wasn't annoyance or rejection; he truly didn't understand.

"Because whether you believe it or not – yet – you're worth it, Cassian. I know you've done terrible things. I even know what they were. But nothing in the entire galaxy will convince me you aren't a good man here." She pressed a hand to his chest.

He closed his eyes again, his jaw tightening in disbelief. After a moment, she leaned toward his ear, causing a shiver to run through him at her nearness. "You're wasting your time fighting me on this. I'm going to keep saying it until you believe me. Until you can see it for yourself even when I'm not around to remind you."

She pressed a kiss to his temple. "Rest. I have to go meet Bodhi, but I'll come back later."

He merely nodded without opening his eyes.

At the door, she paused to look back, but he had not changed position in the slightest. They had gone from a fairly lighthearted exchange to some dark things rather quickly. Not exactly what she had intended, but they did need to be discussed. If he was feeling unworthy then she needed to know that so she could counter it. She hadn't been able to save her mother, her father or Saw, but she had no intention of losing Cassian also.

xx

"You okay?"

Jyn blinked. "What?"

"Are you okay?" Bodhi asked again. "You're a good teacher and all, but I shouldn't have been able to land as many strikes as I have unless you aren't paying attention."

She smiled weakly. "Sorry, Bodhi, my thoughts were somewhere else. Maybe we ought to end this now, before you really clobber me and totally ruin my reputation."

He attempted a hesitant smile in return, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. "What's wrong? Is it Cassian?"

She looked at him, then quickly away. "Just a lot on my mind. Leave it at that, okay?"

"Okay. But you know I'm here for you, right? We all are." He moved slowly over and gripped her shoulder.

She reached up and caught his hand. "I do know, and thank you."

When Jyn returned to visit with Cassian after lunch, Baze and Chirrut accompanied her. She wasn't sure if she was grateful for that or not. They wouldn't be able to talk freely with the Guardians there, but the morning visit had drained her and she wasn't ready for another round just yet.

Cassian was subdued during the visit, and to Jyn he looked tired. He had once remarked to her that he didn't like to take anything that knocked him out, so she doubted he would mention to the doctor if he had trouble sleeping. Her only consolation was that she didn't think Dr. Lesorid missed much. He'd notice and probably even slip something into Cassian's food, drink or medicine under a different guise if that was what it took. Normally, she wouldn't be pleased by that, but Jyn knew about nightmares and sleep loss. If he was to get better both physically and mentally, he needed healing sleep.

It turned into quite the gathering. Melshi and Tonc came by after they had been there an hour, and K-2 arrived a short while later, though he didn't remain once he saw all the people in Cassian's room. While the conversation stayed fairly light, by the time the visit had stretched to more than two hours, Jyn decided they should break things up and let Cassian rest.

Before she could follow the last of them out, Cassian called her back. "Jyn?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. I…enjoyed the company."

She smiled and cocked her head. "Well, you probably needed the company, though I'm not convinced you enjoyed it all that much at present."

"Did you…tell them anything? About me?"

"I told them what your doctor said about your injury and expected recovery. That's all. The rest of it is just between you, me and K."

He nodded and leaned back with a sigh. "Thanks." His eyes slid shut and she slipped out.

Her hand rose to her chest, but then she dropped it again. She still hadn't gotten out of the habit of reaching for her mother's kyber crystal necklace. Cassian hadn't mentioned it, though she had seen it around his neck when she treated his shoulder wound. Hopefully that meant he found it comforting. She missed it, but she wouldn't begrudge that to him. Maybe when she couldn't be with him it would remind him that he was in her thoughts, and that all was not bleak.

xxxxx

Baze nudged Jyn and gestured toward the middle of the mess hall. She looked over to see Melshi approaching. Judging by his expression, they had a new assignment. She wondered if he knew he always had that 'look' when they got a new job.

"Hey, Melshi. Grab some food and join us," Tonc called, also spotting their leader.

The man shook his head, but settled at the table anyway. "Okay, listen up, We have work to do." Everyone kept eating, though their eyes watched Melshi with interest. "You know the blockade continues to hold at Yavin. We're going to help make it more difficult for them to focus on that. Despite all the skirmishes on the surface, the Empire hasn't thrown their full weight behind destroying the base. Intelligence has picked up chatter suggesting they might be waiting for Vader's new flagship to be completed and used for the assault. If that's true, we need to take advantage of their delay. We have three targets we're going after – valuable resources to the Empire, but remote enough that the Imps think them relatively safe from our notice. They're wrong about that."

He paused a moment, collecting his thoughts. "Erso, I'm gonna need nutcrackers – lots of them. A few whizbangs, but mostly we want to do some damage. A lot of damage. The more, the better. Oh, and get K-2. I want him along this time. Captain Andor doesn't need him at the moment and he could be useful to us."

"Does Cassian know about this?" Jyn asked. "K answers to him, not me."

He looked at her. "Arrange it. Whatever you have to do."

She nodded.

"Okay, then. If there are no questions, gear up. We depart in two hours." He rose and moved away when no one made any effort at questions.

Jyn stood also. "Better go find K and get that worked out. Baze, can you do an inventory on my bomb supplies and let me know what I have so I can restock?"

He nodded. "Your bag on the ship?"

"Yeah, usual spot." He raised a hand of acknowledgement as he took the last bite of his meal.

Cassian's door was open when she arrived. He was stirring food around on his plate, but not really eating. "No better than mess hall food?"

He looked up and smiled. "Not especially. And I guess I'm just not hungry." He looked at her more closely. "What's up?"

Her mouth twisted in amusement. Hardly surprising he could read her so well. "We've got a mission. Three, actually, so we might be gone for a little while. Blowing stuff up – one of my favorite things."

He chuckled. "You came to say goodbye then?" Despite the easy conversation, he looked disappointed that she was leaving.

She leaned her hip against the bed and folded her arms, looking down at the floor. "That too. We, uh…Melshi wants K to come with us. I told him you would need to clear it."

He set down his fork and stopped pretending to eat, reaching to set the tray on the nearby table. It was a stretch and she stepped forward to move it the rest of the distance for him. "Thanks. So, have you told K yet?"

"Not until you agree to it," she stubbornly insisted.

"Of course I agree. Despite what others say, he's good to have along. If no one else, I know you appreciate that's so."

She nodded. "I do. Everyone on the team is good, but each has their specific skills and K's are different than theirs. He more than proved himself on Scarif."

"Yeah, he did." He lapsed into thought, then realized his attention had wandered. "Good luck. Blow up something for me."

"Will do, Captain!" She gave him a mock salute. There was a momentary awkwardness until Jyn added, "I guess I better find K and get moving. We leave soon and I have work to do before then."

"Yeah." His jaw tightened with frustration. Cassian wanted to say more, but there was too little time for anything important to be discussed.

Jyn's fingers suddenly wrapped around his hand where it lay on the bed, and he looked up in surprise. "I'll see you again," she told him firmly. "I'll find a way, no matter what. Count on it."

He let out his breath, his tension easing. "I look forward to it. I'll be watching."

xxxxx

The first foray went reasonably well, and everyone made it back to the ship without a stormtrooper escort. Inexplicably, though, Jyn grabbed a couple of nutcrackers and bolted back down the ramp.

"Erso! Stop!"

She was gone without even acknowledging she had heard Melshi's command. With a sigh, he asked, "Does she ever listen to anyone other than Andor?"

Bodhi shrugged helplessly at the question, but a smirk slid onto Baze's face. "What makes you think she listens to Captain Andor?"

K-2 advised, "I have not observed that Jyn Erso heeds instructions from others any more than 47.3% of the time, regardless of who is giving them."

"That high?" Chirrut asked. "I would have thought it much lower."

"She listens," Bodhi protested, then amended, "when she wants to." He was honest enough to admit that much.

"Okay, spread out. Let's go see if we can bring her back in one piece. I'll circle around to the right." Melshi headed down the ramp, letting the others sort themselves out.

"Sergeant Melshi – no need," Chirrut called after him.

He looked back questioningly as suddenly Erso raced past him and slid onto a bench. The others surrounded her. Glancing up, she told them, "We should go." When none of them moved, she arched her eyebrows for emphasis and added, "Now."

Melshi pinched the bridge of his nose. "Bodhi, K – get us out of here."

"What did you do, little sister?" Baze asked, knowing he spoke for them all.

"What makes you think I did anything?" From anyone else, the innocence she was trying to project might have worked.

"In that case, we really need to get out of here now," Baze agreed.

An explosion sounded, so loud it might have been right outside the ship; the force of the blast caused the ship to buffet as it lifted off.

"What did you blow up?" Tonc gasped, half question, half astonishment.

"It might have been a fuel dump." Another explosion rocked them as they continued their ascent.

As the others glanced at one another, she added, "Next to an ammo dump." Their eyes twitched back to her, wide with disbelief. She gave a small smile. "Probably next to a guard station…"

"Mother of Moons! What did you use?" Tonc didn't conceal his awe of her skills.

She gave a jerk of her head. "Just a nutcracker."

"A nutcracker did that?" He gestured back toward the planet.

"Not exactly. The fuel only needed a spark, and then, unfortunately," – he noticed she didn't look particularly regretful despite her choice of words – "the fuel ignited the ammo. That's what did that. Saw always said, 'make the most of what you've got'."

xx

At least the second sortie was more by the book, and Melshi was pleased with the outcome. Naturally, that meant their luck would run out on the third one. Well, not run out so much as they either had bad intel or there was another reason that the Empire had increased security over what they expected to find.

"Bodhi, stop trying to target them!" Tonc called, startling him. "Just rapid fire in a spread – you'll hit something. This isn't target practice."

It sounded kind of crazy to him, but he trusted Tonc so he tried to do as directed. It felt strange at first, but after he saw two troopers fall, he was more convinced.

Just then Tonc let out a yelp and collapsed onto one knee, holding his other leg. Bodhi grabbed the back of his jacket and pulled him farther behind the crate they were using for cover.

"Damn," Tonc muttered, pressing his hand over the wound to slow the bleeding.

Panic welled in Bodhi's chest. What now? They were pinned down, they were—

Repeating blasts sounded off to their left and more troopers fell. Baze! He grabbed Tonc's arm. "Let's go!" Dragging him to his feet, they set off back toward the ship. A minute later, an explosion went off behind them, shaking the ground enough that Bodhi stumbled. Steadying himself, he pressed on as fast as Tonc could manage.

Baze's cannon kept firing periodically, but the sound wasn't getting farther away as he moved, so the big man must be retreating also. Another explosion shook them, but Bodhi steeled himself and sprinted for the ramp. Chirrut was standing ready to close the door as soon as all were aboard, and he could hear K-2 bringing the engines online.

Baze caught up with them just as Bodhi settled Tonc onto a bench, and the Guardian took up position by the ramp to cover the rest of the team.

"Go," Tonc told him, nodding toward the cockpit. "I'll be okay."

Bodhi ran forward and settled in the chair beside K. "Is everyone in?"

"Not yet. Stand by."

He heard feet on the ramp and then Melshi shouted, "Let's go! Punch it!"

K-2 quickly had the ship aloft and Bodhi trained the guns behind them, pinning down the troopers from doing any damage while they gained altitude. Once they slid into hyperspace, everyone breathed easier.

Melshi came to stand behind Bodhi and K. "Well, that could have gone better. But only one wounded is a good thing. What were those explosions as we took off? Did you hit something important?"

Jyn sidled up next to him. "That would have been me. I left them little parting gifts and triggered them as we lifted off."

"Nice," Melshi said, chuckling. Changing direction, he said, "Let's talk." With that, he led them back to join the others while K stayed to monitor the controls.

Baze and Chirrut had helped Tonc into the hold and tended to his leg; he was reasonably comfortable. "Assessment?"

"It'd be nice to know why there were so many more of them than we thought," Tonc remarked. "Did you even get close to the facility itself?"

Melshi shook his head. "I didn't. Erso?"

She sprawled on the seat next to Chirrut. "Close enough to leave my calling cards laying about. They would have triggered along with the ones near the ship. Can't be sure exactly how much damage was done, but it's bound to inconvenience them somewhat at the very least."

"Took out a lot of stormtroopers, too," Baze said. "That's always worthwhile. Whatever the reason it was that well guarded, it's less so now."

"True. So, not a total loss. And presumably that much trooper presence means the Empire won't like that we were here and are aware of this facility. They thought these three places wouldn't be on our scanners – we've just proven them wrong in a big way. That will have pulled at least some of their attention away from Yavin." He stood. "Okay, Bodhi, get us home. I'll go call it in."

The return trip took several hours. Some of the team slept; a few played sabacc for a while. It had been a tiring mission assignment with three sorties back to back, so they were willing to simply relax, lounging around the hold area.

Jyn had elected not to get involved in Bodhi's sabacc game, and a half hour into the flight, Melshi approached. "Can we talk, Erso?"

She had never liked that kind of question. It usually meant she wasn't going to care for what was said, but he was her commanding officer. She nodded and a jerk of his head indicated she should follow him. He led her to a cabin, and gestured for her to close the door behind her. He took a seat on the side of the bunk and she reluctantly dropped down next to him.

Leaning his elbows on his knees, he contemplated his hands while deciding on his words. "Mind you, I'm not complaining about your work at all. You're good, very good. And I know your experience has been working in a more open system with the Partisans or on your own, but I'm a military man. I've spent a lot of years fighting as a soldier."

He paused and Jyn's brow wrinkled, unable to determine what he might be getting at. Finally he sat up and looked at her. "Could you just please give me some clue what you're doing? Taking out the fuel and ammo dump was great, far beyond what I could have hoped for on that mission, but it's hard to have your back when you act without warning or explanation. It could put others in danger trying to scramble to cover you."

She met his eyes and her lips pursed. While it was uncomfortable hearing his words, he made a valid point. She gave a quick nod in agreement. It wasn't going to be easy, getting used to working that way, but she didn't want to risk the others on her account.

"Good." He rose and stepped out the door, leaving her to her thoughts. Ruefully, she realized only with Cassian had she ever felt completely in sync when they worked. She blew out a breath and stood, deciding rejoining the others might be best.

After the sabacc game ended, Tonc stretched out on the floor for another nap. He seemed to sleep as enthusiastically as he ate, and possibly the painkillers were helping also. The others did not find it so easy to do.

"You're very quiet, little sister." Baze eyed her from where he lounged against the wall, hands behind his head, and his comment broke the silence, making her look up.

"Lost in thought."

Bodhi was chewing on a ration bar next to her, but after a few moments, he remarked, "When I've talked to some of the pilots, they said the guys who went with us to Scarif, that many of them were spies and assassins. Cassian said that, too. The pilots told me they would kill people for the Alliance, sometimes even an informant. Do you think that's true?"

"It's what assassins do, take out any target," Baze growled. "Does it make you squeamish, little brother?"

Bodhi met his eyes. "Yeah, a little. I can't imagine doing that. Shooting at someone who's shooting back is one thing, but to just kill someone? I'm not sure I could." He hesitated. "Do you think Cassian has done it?"

"It's what assassins do," Baze reiterated. "So he probably has. He was going to kill Galen Erso – we all know that."

"But he didn't," Bodhi argued.

"Not that one person, no. But that wouldn't have been the first and only one. He disobeyed orders to avoid it. Up until then, I don't think he ever had."

"So…so you think he'd have been given…given other orders to kill people?"

"Probably."

Jyn had remained silent through the discussion. She wasn't much inclined to talk about this particular topic, especially as it touched on Cassian. She suspected he was the reason Bodhi had brought it up. Likely Bodhi would never be able to cope with the idea of simply killing someone outright. She could understand that. She had killed people, but mostly they were stormtroopers or other Imperials. Still, some of them had been innocent people who accidentally got caught in the middle. Perhaps not the same thing as a sniper specifically taking a shot, but she had taken lives. Lives of those who had no particular reason they should have died. But death wasn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe Bodhi needed to understand this better.

"Have you ever been in an Imperial prison, Bodhi? Or a prisoner of the Empire at all?" Jyn asked, turning to look at him.

"What? No! Of course not. I…I mean I've gotten in trouble, when I was younger, on Jedha, but not prison."

"I have," she told him quietly. "Sometimes death is preferable to capture. Remember what happened to you when you were being held by Saw? Not everyone survives, before or after they're broken. Most Alliance targets would be Imps, those that could cause many more deaths if they remained alive. But sometimes killing an innocent person or an informant, to keep them out of Imperial hands, is an act of kindness, whether it feels like one or not."

Baze met her gaze when she looked away from the pilot. She knew he understood what Bodhi was struggling to comprehend. The pilot was still trying to cope with Saw's torture; she hoped Bodhi never had to experience anything more than that.

To be continued…

invented characters:

Sergeant Daster – head of the tech shop on the tech frigate

Dr Lesorid – kind doctor caring for Cassian

All other characters actually are taken from the existing Star Wars universe.