Chapter 10

The ship docked with the medical frigate around midnight, so most merely settled in to sleep until morning. Sleep was always welcome when it could be had. Melshi went with Tonc to the medbay to have his leg treated properly.

They all began to stir early, and once everyone was gathered, they wandered to the mess hall for breakfast. K-2 disappeared toward Cassian's ship, having no need of food. "It was nice having K with us this trip," Bodhi commented, watching the droid walking away. "Almost like before."

No one disputed his remark and the conversation lapsed. After a cursory meal, Jyn rose. "Think I'll go check on Cassian. He should be up and around by now, considering how long we've been gone."

When she appeared at his door, Cassian looked up. "Oh, you are here. I thought I heard your voice a little while ago, but then you didn't turn up so I figured I was mistaken." He was sitting on the side of his bed, carefully easing his arm into a shirt to pull it on.

For a moment, Jyn watched, but when he didn't seem to require assistance, she sat down in the chair. "I stopped to talk to Dr. Lesorid about something."

"Lesorid? Why? K said only Tonc was wounded." Cassian's gaze raked over her, searching for an injury.

"We didn't leave the ship at the same time, so K didn't see me limping."

His gaze narrowed. "Didn't see you or didn't see the limp because you hid it from him?"

She fingered her gloves, noting how worn they had gotten. "Mmmm, maybe that."

He drew a slow breath. Part of him understood her attitude toward injuries – he was the same way – but it concerned him to have her conceal them so her team members couldn't assist her if needed. But he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't appreciate anything he said about it, and really what right did he have anyway. Instead, he asked, "So how did you get hurt?"

Her tension eased at the more benign question. "Jumped down from a wall. It wasn't that high, but I landed wrong or something and it twisted. Just a slight strain. Nothing's broken."

"Same ankle you injured on…before?" He still avoided talking about Scarif.

"Yeah, same one. They said it might always be a little weaker, more susceptible to reinjury. I can manage."

"Hurts, though, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it hurts. But I'm fine."

"Would you tell me if you weren't fine?" he half smiled, but he'd like to think she wouldn't seek to hide things from him.

She met his eyes. After several seconds, she said, "I might. Depends on the situation. I wouldn't if there wasn't anything you could do about it. There wouldn't be any point to it other than worrying you."

That much was true – he could accept that. "I'd still want to know, though," he replied quietly.

An awkard silence fell and Cassian returned to getting his shirt in place and tucking it in. After a moment, she noted, "You're doing much better. The shoulder's still stiff, though?"

He nodded. "I go to rehab twice a day to work it and regain some range of motion."

She grinned. "Can't reach your face to shave yet, I take it." His scruff had gotten appreciably bushier than when she last saw him.

He slowly ran a hand over it, not meeting her eyes. "Just haven't felt like bothering with it, I guess."

More uneasy silence. Then, "You brave enough to let me have a go at it?"

His gaze jerked up from the boots he was pulling on. After a moment, he lowered his eyes and told her, "You don't need to do that."

She leaned forward. "I don't need to do a lot of things, but I do them anyway. I'm willing if you are."

"I'm dressed now."

"I'll try not to make you have to change clothes." She hesitated. "Unless you really don't want me to do it."

"No. No, that's not it." He sighed. "Yeah, okay. If you want." He looked around uncertainly. "How do we go about this?"

She moved toward the small 'fresher. "Is your razor in here?"

"Yeah."

She glanced over the room and decided it would be too cramped a space in which to maneuver, so she ran some hot water into a water pitcher and brought it back with the razor. Moving the chair near enough to the table to reach it, but leaving space to move around him, she gestured for him to sit. She found a clean towel and wrapped it around his neck, covering his shirt front and shoulders.

"How was the mission?" he asked distractedly.

"Mmmmm, we did plenty of damage. Got the Imps' attention anyway. Hopefully enough to allow for more ships to evacuate."

He pointed to a bowl on the table. "That's clean. You can use it."

She poured some water into the bowl and set it at hand. "Soap?"

He shook his head. "The medbay has shave gel. In the 'fresher cabinet."

When she returned with the tube, he ventured, "Have…have you ever done this before?"

She grinned. "Nervous?" At his twitchy head shake, she laughed. "Yes you are. But relax – I have done it before, when I was with Saw. One of the guys burned his hands. I agreed to do it. Wasn't the tidiest job, but it got it done."

"When you were with Saw?" He swallowed quickly. "That was a long time ago."

"Yes, several years. As I recall, though, it's mostly common sense." She paused in her preparations and set a hand on his shoulder. "Relax, Captain. I promise not to slit your throat."

She studied his face for a moment. "I know you usually just trim it down, but I'm not sure I can manage anything that specific. Okay if I shave you clean? At least then you won't have to bother with it for a little while."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you want." He gestured toward the 'fresher. "A hot towel on my face, before you start, will make it easier."

She nodded and fetched one, then let him press it to his face while she got everything else set at hand. When he lowered the towel, she dropped it in the sink and returned. "Ready?"

He swallowed but gave a quick jerk of his head. Jyn squeezed some gel onto her hands and worked it into a lather before spreading it onto his face, thoroughly covering his beard. He had inhaled sharply when she first touched him, but was gradually relaxing under her touch, his eyes closed maybe a little more tightly than normal. "Breathe, Cassian. I won't hurt you."

She cleaned off her hands and picked up the razor. "Okay, let's do this."

Her hand settled on his head, drawing the skin upward to tighten it. Despite trying not to move, Cassian shivered. "Easy," she murmured, and he wasn't sure if she was talking to him or herself. A moment later, the razor was gliding down his face. She moved slowly and methodically, taking great care. Meticulously she worked her way down each side of his face and neck, and then positioned herself to get at the front.

He closed his eyes again, to reduce his awareness of how near she stood and the gentle touch of her hands. A few nicks were unavoidable, but he only flinched slightly and she quickly muttered, "Sorry", as she tended them. She paused and he blinked his eyes open in question. It didn't feel as though she was finished, but she was staring at his face and chin, lost in thought. Before he could ask her about it, she tipped his head back and told him to stiffen his chin.

He could tell she was missing areas, but instead of focusing on those, she relathered and went over the shaved areas one more time. After a moment, she stepped back and went to rewet the towel with hot water, bringing it to wipe his face clean and see if anything needed correcting.

"You…" He had to clear his throat and try again. "You didn't do my mustache or parts of my chin."

She ran a hand over each cheek and up his neck, looking satisfied. "No," she said quietly. "I wanted you to still look like you. I'm used to the mustache and chin hair."

She bit her lip and stepped back, realizing she was staring. After a moment, she ran a hand through his hair. It felt nice; he could wish she wouldn't stop. "Your hair could do with cutting, too, but I'm not very good at that. I can't ever seem to get it even. I guess for now we should leave it long." She smiled. "It looks okay. Different for you."

Embarrassment claimed her, and she hastily took the towel from around his neck and the bowl he held for rinsing off the razor. She disappeared into the 'fresher to put things away.

Slowly he raised a hand and ran it over her handiwork. She had done a good job, and probably nicked him fewer times than he usually did. He had enjoyed the feel of her hands on his face, in his hair. He could wish for more…but she was just helping him out during his incapacity. It didn't mean anything beyond that. Still, reminders of how she had looked at him on Scarif as they left the tower made him wonder. It had seemed then as though they were headed down a different road than the one they had been on. All that evaporated with their escape and recovery, and then the evacuation and separation. She was still…a friend, but more? He could not presume that.

She came back and rested her hands on his shoulders from behind. "Did you take a look? How did I do?"

"You did great," he murmured. He didn't need to look. He didn't care what it looked like. He could wish it would all regrow overnight so she could return and shave him again. He shook himself mentally. A foolish notion. He shoved to his feet and went to look in the 'fresher mirror and examine her handiwork, then turned and smiled. "You're hired."

She laughed. "Have you eaten yet? I ate with the guys, but I'll go and sit with you if you haven't."

"I ate. I was going to rehab to work the shoulder some. You could sit with me there. If you want."

While he exercised, she told him about their recent missions. When she finished, she watched him a moment, then said, "It looks like the shoulder is still a little sore. Does Dr. Lesorid say how long he thinks it will take for you to fully recover?"

He shook his head. "Not soon enough to suit Draven, I'm sure." His eyes darkened. He didn't want to think about that, about returning to work.

Jyn could feel his mood deteriorating and changed the subject. "Did Bodhi tell you that he's been having us teach him things? Fighting, shooting and all? I don't think he'll ever be much of a fighter, but maybe he'll learn to block attacks anyway. Tonc says he's doing pretty well with shooting, though."

"He mentioned that." He wanted to say more, to shake off the melancholy trying to wash over him, but he was too tired to manage it. Abruptly he stood. "I think maybe it's time for my nap. I'm a little worn out." He hadn't actually been taking naps for the past week, but it seemed a reasonable excuse to escape and be alone. Even though part of him didn't want to be alone, at least not separate from Jyn. But Jyn's presence led to thought and talk and ideas swirling in his head that he didn't want to address.

"I'll walk you back." She didn't question it, just strolled in companionable silence beside him. At his door, she pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Sleep well." She ran her hand over his smooth cheek and smiled, before turning away.

It was all he could do not to call her back, to pull her into his arms and never let her go. Somehow she anchored him, and when she wasn't there he felt adrift. But he couldn't count on that. Her team would be called away again soon enough and then he'd get a new assignment. No, he couldn't expect her to steady him.

He did lay down, for about ten minutes, but was too on edge to actually sleep. Instead his thoughts just chased through the maze of his mind without accomplishing anything. The med-droids let him take his meal in his room at midday, and then he went back for more exercise since he had cut it short that morning. Anything to distract himself from thinking.

Cassian had been in the rehab room only about fifteen minutes, when a sound caught his notice. He glimpsed movement from the corner of his eye, and looked up. Baze stepped through the doorway, and he automatically watched for Chirrut to follow, but the Guardian was apparently alone this time. He continued the exercise, working his shoulder, as he waited for Baze to cross the room and join him.

The big man gave a slight grunt as he sat down facing him, sprawling back in the chair. "Captain."

"Baze." He raised a questioning eyebrow. "I'm not used to seeing you fly solo."

Baze chuckled. "Sometimes it does seem we are joined at the hip, but it isn't true. Besides, this time around it was better if it was just me."

That did pique his curiosity. He released the exercise grip to give Baze his full attention.

It took a couple of minutes before the Guardian began to speak. Finally, he rumbled, "You aren't the only one, you know." When Cassian again raised an eyebrow asking for further explanation, he added, "I've been an assassin. After I lost my faith when the temple was destroyed, I followed that course for several years. I'm not proud of it, but it let me focus my anger somewhere, and that was what I needed. I can't give back any of the lives that I took, even now that I see more clearly. All I can do is make more certain any future lives I claim deserve it. Well, as much as that sort of thing can be judged by another. Doesn't bother me to mow down Imps, but even in that – look at Bodhi, and there was a pilot I met last month named Wedge who had defected. Probably there are others, so can I say that there's nothing wrong with killing Imps?" He shrugged in answer to his own question. "If they're shooting at me or harming others, then I'll do it. But I have to allow for the possibility they might want to change."

Cassian's wrinkled brow hinted at his confusion about Baze's point, so the Guardian clarified, "You can't change what you've already done, little brother. The past is past. All you can do now is choose your path more carefully as you move forward."

"How did you forgive yourself for what you had done?" Cassian asked, studying a spill of something that had dried on the floor.

"Who says I did? But Chirrut reminds me often that I'm still worthwhile, and that I've also done good. If I keep doing good things, maybe one day they will offset the bad, or at least even the scales somewhat." He shoved to his feet. "Think about it."

As Baze turned toward the door, Cassian said, "Thanks, my friend."

He grinned. "Just listen to Jyn. She'll tell you when you're out of line. Count on it!"

Cassian chuckled as he left. He would never have expected such a conversation with Baze, but it made a difference talking to someone who knew, really knew, what was in your head. Jyn had a pretty good idea; Bodhi wanted to help but hadn't a clue about these things. Maybe that's why he needed more than one friend. Each of them brought something different to the relationship.

xx

"Is something the matter, Sergeant?"

Melshi was so lost in thought he hadn't noticed Chirrut sitting silently in the cargo hold by himself.

"What are you doing here?"

"I find when we are docked, that the ship can be the quietest place for meditation. The others tend to find things to do elsewhere. But you did not answer my question."

Melshi sighed and sat down next to him. "Nothing's wrong, exactly, just perplexing." He hesitated, then asked, "Do you know if the rest of the team is planning to eat together in the mess hall for supper?"

"It has not been discussed, but they usually do take their meals together. I was intending to join them. In about an hour."

Melshi nodded, forgetting Chirrut couldn't see the motion. At length, he said, "It might be better if I talk to everyone then. They'll all want to hear."

"As you think best."

xx

Everyone else was gathered and had already gotten their food when Melshi arrived. He quickly got a tray for himself and then settled with them. For several minutes, they mostly ate in silence, with only an occasional remark made. Finally, though, Melshi paused, staring down at his food. "I have news."

All eyes came up to watch him as they continued eating. After a moment, he looked up and glanced around the group. "We have two new crew members coming onboard." A slight hesitation and then he added, "Captain Andor and K-2SO."

Everyone quickly stole looks at one another, but all were equally surprised. Bodhi recovered first. "Really? They're actually going to let them join us? That's great!" When the others didn't immediately agree, he faltered. "Right?"

"It's not what he usually does, is it?" Tonc noted. "But he's good at a lot of things. We can always use his skills."

"Draven didn't give much explanation for it," Melshi admitted, "just said they had decided that was best for the time being."

"What about their ship?" Tonc asked.

"It will be redeployed to other uses for now. Ours is more suitable of the two to handle a team this size."

"When?" Jyn was torn at this news, glad to have Cassian and K back with them, though unsure if Cassian was ready to return or if he would wish this change. She suspected the decision had been made for him rather than discussed with him.

Melshi shrugged. "Undetermined. He's still recovering. Until that happens, we may run missions without him, but using K-2. Then when he is ready, we'll pick him up."

"Does he know yet?" Baze asked. All eyes shifted to Melshi for the answer.

"I don't know if they've told him or not. I just found out a couple of hours ago. I guess we keep it quiet until he says something or we're told that he's been informed."

As they returned to their meals, the air was a mixture of elation and solemnity at this change. Certainly none minded welcoming Cassian and K-2 to the team, but the assignment did raise a lot of questions in their minds. Still, there wasn't anything they could do but wait and see how things developed.

For Jyn's part, she wasn't so inclined to merely let it play out. This could have all sorts of implications, and some of them might not be in Cassian's best interest.

As soon as she could after dinner, she slipped away and headed for the medbay. The droid on duty was reluctant to disturb Dr. Lesorid, but she was insistent enough that it finally contacted him and got his approval to send her to him. He responded to his door chime promptly. "Sergeant Erso. Come in." He studied her closely, then said, "I take it something important has arisen."

Her earlier bravado seemed to have fled, leaving her fidgety and embarrassed. But she was here, and so pressed on. "It's about Cassian – Captain Andor. I wanted to ask your opinion about something."

"Very well." He gestured to a pair of chairs at a small table and they each seated themselves.

She took a moment to choose her words. "Understand, it may be that you aren't supposed to know this yet." At his nod, she continued, "Instead of sending Cassian back out to do what he's been doing, they're adding him to our team. Presumably when he's recovered enough for you to release him."

She hadn't actually asked a question; for that matter, she wasn't entirely sure what her question was, but the doctor didn't appear confused.

He let out a sigh. "A mixed blessing, I suppose. It will mean he is with you, and I suspect his assignments might be – shall we say, less overwhelming, than previously. Will those factors be sufficient to aid his mental recovery despite being back to working? I cannot honestly tell you that. However, if he is to return to work, I think this situation is more optimal than his merely returning to what he has always done, what has caused these problems in the first place."

"I just don't want to make anything worse," she admitted, slouching in the chair.

Dr. Lesorid smiled. "I think it unlikely that you would, that you could. It is my considered professional opinion that your presence nearby will only be to the good. He may not improve, but I do not think he will decline." He reached over and patted her hand. "Have faith in yourself. I know you do not feel confident, or even comfortable with all of this, but I believe you are the best person for the task in Captain Andor's case. He has cut himself off from most emotional attachments, save for you. He seems to count the others on your team as friends also, judging by his reception of them when they have visited him. Surrounding himself with friends will be to his benefit. He spends too much time alone, with only his own thoughts for company."

xx

Dr. Lesorid had given Jyn a great deal to think about. She paused outside Cassian's door, then took a steadying breath and knocked.

"Come in," a voice called and she pushed the door open.

"Hey. Feel up to some company?" she asked.

"Sure."

She noted his dinner tray, barely touched. Settling in the chair, with its back facing him, she rested her arms along the back and placed her chin on them. "You need to try to eat more. You're already too thin."

He gave her a wan smile, but didn't argue the point. Instead, he fidgeted with the datapad in his hands, drawing her notice there.

"Draven hasn't got you working again, has he? Not yet."

He met her eyes, and seemed to be trying to read her. If he knew about his new assignment, probably he wondered if she did also. At length, he said, "I'm not back to work yet, but he did tell me what I would be doing when I am. But I think you know that."

She jiggled her head in the affirmative. "Melshi just told us, though he didn't have a lot of details about it." She gazed into his eyes. "How do you feel about it? We're glad to have you, of course, but what do you want?"

He rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know. Right now I can't seem to get my head focused on work."

"Then when you join us, we'll take it slow. We can manage with or without you – we've been doing it. When you're ready to contribute, just say so and Melshi will put you to work. Though, I'm not sure how that will go since you outrank him."

"He's the team leader. I would follow his orders. But he would listen carefully to any of my suggestions or arguments."

"Do you want to stay in the fight, Cassian? Or have you reached a dead end? No one could fault you if you were ready to stop. You've more than done your share for the Alliance."

His face clouded with thought. "The idea of leaving is appealing – I'm just so very tired – but I'm not sure I could simply walk away. It's all I've ever known. And the outcome is still important to me."

"Then if you're staying, we've gotta find things for you to do that don't weigh so heavily on your spirit and your conscience, don't we?"

He smiled at her. "How did the tables turn and you are so eager to fight while I am so reluctant?"

She shrugged. "Guess I just got inspired by my father's sacrifice, and the words of an Alliance recruiter."

He laughed mirthlessly. "Your father maybe."

"And you, Cassian. Avoiding the fight was always my way of avoiding the pain. Not that it ever particularly worked. Going to Scarif for the plans was terrifying, but also exhilarating. Suddenly I had a purpose in life other than merely surviving each day. Suddenly I had something, and people, to live for."

He looked down at his hands resting in his lap, but didn't respond.

"Do you remember why you joined the fight?" When he didn't look up, she nudged his leg to get his attention.

"I…my parents were part of it from my earliest memories, and even as a child I picked up on their views, their anger toward the Empire. I told you I've been in this fight since I was six years old. That was true, you know? I couldn't do much when I was that young, but I threw stones and bottles at stormtroopers." He became lost in thought and Jyn didn't interrupt. Finally, he continued, "When they killed my family, they gave me a reason of my own to hate them, not just one that I inherited. The fear, the rage – I needed somewhere for it to go and the Alliance gave me a focus, and taught me to be an effective tool."

"Being a spy isn't the only way for you to be effective. Even if you just serve as one of our pilots, that helps. Then if you see something more that you can and want to do, you're there to do it. Right?"

His mouth twisted. "You make it sound easy."

"It is easy, if we make it be."

His head tilted slightly as he studied her. "Why are you not bothered more by…things? Your past?"

Her expression darkened somewhat and he sensed her retreating from the questions. For a moment, he wasn't sure she would even answer him, but finally she said, "I am bothered. I just…I just started running a long time ago, and I keep outrunning the pain of the past."

"You can't keep running forever, Jyn. Sooner or later, it will catch up to you."

"I know," she said softly, "but for now it lets me cope. I guess eventually I have to figure out another way."

"Maybe…" He paused, and she watched him curiously, waiting for him to finish. "Maybe being a part of something, of a group, of friends, will help. Maybe having a home." He smiled encouragingly at her.

"A home. That will take getting used to." She met his eyes. "But I'm liking it so far."

After a moment, his face clouded again. She gave him time to speak before urging anything from him. "I don't know if I can do this, Jyn. Even just pilot. Everything…everything feels like too much right now. I want to join your team, I want to spend time with you and the others again, but…"

She reached over and caught hold of his hand. "One day at a time, Cassian. One hour at a time, if necessary – or even just one minute. Melshi isn't going to push you to do anything if you are reluctant, and we'll all be there. We've got your back."

"Draven—"

"Draven can go to hell," Jyn told him, earning her a sharp glance. "Don't give me that look – whether he likes it or not, he created this problem for himself. I don't care if he is a general, it was wrong for him to put you and the others in this kind of position. Two dozen of his men were willing to sacrifice their lives on a suicide mission to absolve themselves for the terrible things they've done on behalf of the Rebellion. That does not speak well to his leadership. I'll keep my mouth shut – maybe – and not tell him that to his face, but I firmly believe it. I understand making hard decisions – Saw did that, too, sometimes. But you can't just mow down your own people in pursuit of your goal. He was shooting the enemy, and if any of you stood in the way, he shot them through you. That isn't right, Cassian, and you'll never make me believe that it is."

"We did it willingly, you know. He didn't force us."

"He gave you orders that he knew you would follow, that you would believe you should follow for the good of the Rebellion. He should have recognized the toll it would take and found other ways whenever possible. But it was much easier to just keep sending you all back out there to do anything he wanted done. Don't think I don't understand, Cassian. Taking out Imperial leaders with a sniper's shot, sabotaging Imperial compounds, even sometimes doing someone a kindness by killing them rather than letting them be taken captive. But he went beyond that. Leave people behind to keep yourself safe because you were more valuable to him? Kill innocent people because they might be a problem at some point? Sabotage civilian sites without regard to who besides your target might be killed? Giving orders like that can't be justified while still claiming you are better than the Imps. There are other ways."

From the look on his face, Jyn wasn't sure she had convinced him of anything, but at least he did seem to be considering her words.

"But what does that make us that we followed those orders?" His eyes met hers, not in challenge, but curiosity, confusion.

"Initially, you were probably overly eager to help the Alliance, and you convinced yourselves that your leaders wouldn't order something that was wrong. Later, you had deadened yourself to it so that you acted without even consciously thinking about it much. Only, at night, your dreams replayed your actions without that filter and made sleep difficult to come by, even unwelcome. And once you were trapped in the cycle of orders and actions, it was hard to see a way out."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and she suspected it was to restrain his emotion.

"Hey." She nudged him to make him look at her. "Thanks to Scarif, you and the others were able to break that cycle. Now those of you who remain of Rogue One get to move forward making better choices. Scarif didn't blot out all of your sins any more than it did mine, but it was redemption of sorts. Don't let the past eat you alive, Cassian. There is so much good in you, and so much good you can still do in your life. Don't let it end on this sour note."

He leaned back with a ragged sigh. "You have more confidence in me than I do, Jyn."

"Maybe so, but I won't let you give up. I've seen people that I doubted would ever climb out of their hole, and you are not one of them. You can do it, and K and I and the others will keep tugging and boosting and doing whatever else we need to do to help you accomplish it."

"I don't deserve it." He gazed at her, weariness etched on his face.

"Too bad. You've got it anyway."

Her jaw was set with determination, and it drew the slightest smile from him. No, he didn't deserve it, but he was more than grateful that they cared enough to try. He nodded his acceptance, and she reached out her hand. After a moment, he clasped it firmly.

They sat like that a very long time, but eventually Cassian ventured, "Did you ever think about what you would do if we survived Scarif? I mean, I know we didn't expect to, but did you think about if we did?"

She shrugged. "Not really. When…when I was little I would dream about what I wanted to have happen, and it never did – something bad did instead. By the time I was with Saw, I'd learned not to hope for anything that wasn't certain, and there was precious little of that." As he pondered her words, she admitted, "But I did sometimes wish for certain things. I just never believed the wishes would come true."

"Did you wish for something on Scarif?" he asked softly.

She nodded. At his prompting eyebrow she said, "More time."

To be continued…

invented characters:

Sergeant Daster – head of the tech shop on the tech frigate

Dr Lesorid – kind doctor caring for Cassian

All other characters actually are taken from the existing Star Wars universe.