CHAPTER 9

Allen usually felt sad when things didn't end well, specially when they involved her. From a failed small task to a ruined mission, she would always scrutinize everything that had happened carefully, trying to find where exactly she had done a mistake.

Not today, however.

Today, she just felt angry.

Not for a single second ever since leaving the battle scene and returning to the ship had Allen stopped replaying the events in her mind. Again and again would she see the tragic scene that had been burned in her memories, likely for life. And though she had initially hated herself, barely able to raise her face because of the shame for failing someone so spectacularly, the fire of her pain eventually froze into cold resentment.

Perhaps it had been the way Lenalee had not talked to her al all during their difficult walk back to the ship. Maybe it had been because Allen had time to judge her actions over and over and could find no hesitance or weakness of her own that ended in that horrible tragedy. Or, more yet, it was possibly due to the fact that she had seen the worst scene of her whole life, a tortured soul simply disintegrating before her eyes while screaming for help – not just anyone's help, but hers, Allen's help, and she had been held back and forced to watch as a human being wasn't only killed but utterly destroyed. And whether that person had been damned to nonexistence or eternal suffering, Allen would probably never know, but afterwards she had been slapped by her so called friend and mocked by that horrible child.

Her efforts had been spat on and made fun of.

That dying woman had been spat on and made fun of.

And that was definitely more than Allen could ever take.

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Lenalee and Walker came from their walk absolutely ruined, and Kanda regretted ever agreeing to Lenalee's request to go out.

Lenalee's Innocence had taken some damage, and scraps and cuts littered her clothes. Blood could be seen seeping from shallow and deep wounds alike. Walker, meanwhile, was dressed in strange womanly nonsense, and was as beaten up as Lenalee.

What bothered him the most, however, were their eyes.

For an exorcist to return to the ship after a fight and require medical help was hardly a rare occurrence. But one look at their expressions had him knowing something was very, very wrong with them both.

"Explain," he demanded from the two immediately. Whatever it was, should it have any further consequences to the crew, the group would have to be prepared.

And then Lenalee spat something he certainly wasn't expecting.

"Allen is suicidal."

The girl's voice was venomous as she stared at Walker. Turning incredulous eyes towards said white haired girl, Kanda could only watch, dumbfounded, as the newcomer threw Lenalee a glare twice as vicious as the Chinese girl's and disappeared, hopefully to look for Komui's medical assistance.

"Lenalee," Kanda started, but the girl also ran away, leaving him and the other crew members who were around inert in their shock.

"Fuck," said Kanda finally, breaking the silence. "Goddamn it! What the hell is happening?" he asked, but no answers were forthcoming from the useless crew members. Frustrated, he immediately entered the ship, heading first to the cabins and, should no one be there, then to the infirmary. Someone else would probably let the two young women have their time, because they were shaken or whatever, but he wholeheartedly disagreed. They were exorcists fighting against the devil himself, warriors, not children inside a theater's drama. He would get his explanations, and he would get them now.

And despite his fierce resolve, once he stopped in front of Lenalee's door – the one closest once he entered the corridor, anyway – he still raised his fist to knock and tried to control himself.

Lenalee had been the first to work with him, the one who had been with him from the very start. He wouldn't ruin it all by shaking the nonsense out of her, no matter how much he wanted to.

::::::::::::::::::::

Komui had been attentive to Allen, helping her even when she refused to answer his questions. He didn't press and, for that, she was grateful. After he finished stitching a particularly ugly gash, she took the gauze from his hand and cleaned the skin by herself. It wouldn't do to cause him more trouble than necessary.

"Thank you, Komui. I can manage from now," she said, and tried her best smile but, if the scientist's frown was anything to go by, it was far from convincing.

"Allen, perhaps you should-"

The door opened, and Kanda entered. Well, at least he hadn't decided to kick the door this time, Allen thought, as she had grown to associate banging objects with the presence of the angry black haired captain.

"Kanda, perhaps it isn't the time-"

"I must talk to her," said the captain, and though his expression was entirely unpleasant, he seemed in control. That seemed to be enough for Komui who, with an apologetic glance, left the infirmary, closing the door as he left.

"What happened?" he repeated the question of an hour ago. Kanda looked frustrated and annoyed.

Allen didn't care.

"I'm sure Lenalee told you the whole story," said she, unable to keep bitterness out of her voice. A fool almost killing them both for the sake of a demon; that's how Allen must have been portrayed in everyone's eyes.

"Don't you dare," snarled Kanda with such viciousness Allen flinched, and just had to look up and stare at his unforgiving eyes. "Don't you dare be angry at the person who saved your life, almost at the cost of her own! Don't you have any shame?"

The injustice of it all made her hands clench the bedsheets in anger. She lowered her head, allowing her fringe to hide her eyes. "Two people," she whispered.

"What?"

"There were only two people involved in the fight, right?" she murmured in a low but clear voice that reverberated in the silent room. "Only two humans worth saving… Lenalee and I. Right?"

Kanda seemed puzzled by her words, and then something clicked. "If you are talking about that female child," he immediately said, "she clearly isn't-"

"I'm not talking about her," said Allen with finality. I'm talking about the other one, who received a fate worse than death. The one you can't hear or see and thus cannot care about.

"Stop speaking in riddles," demanded Kanda. "Do you understand what you did wrong today? You've almost thrown your life away, and Lenalee's-"

Allen laughed bitterly, quickly growing tired. They didn't speak the same language. They never would.

Taking her laugh as mockery, Kanda paced in front of her, agitated. "You're a wild card, we can't trust you. You aren't fit to be in this ship."

"Then leave me here. We are in the continent, I can find my way back to Rose Cross," said Allen, trying to maintain a cold expression, no matter how much his words hurt.

The captain, for some reason, seemed disturbed at the notion. "They aren't going to take you back," he finally said, his expression closing off, from anger to coolness.

How presumptuous of him, thought Allen furiously. "How would you know that? What do you know about Rose Cross?"

"Not much, but your Master's orders were quite clear."

"Yet, as time passes, I can't help but think the man went insane! His neurons must have drowned in alcohol. I should go back and ask for explanations myself."

"You're going nowhere. The way you are now, you will never arrive in one piece."

She wanted to prove him wrong, but felt out of energy. So she allowed the captain to stare down at her with disdain as if she was an unruly child, before he growled some nonsense she refused to pay attention to and left. By then, she could hear him barking instructions to everyone else. The mood in the whole ship seemed to have soured, she noticed as she made her way to her cabin, and Allen wondered, dejectedly, just how Lenalee and Kanda had managed such a feat all by themselves.

She heard the hurried movement as everyone left their posts. Today's purpose was now clear: because of the great amount of Innocence stored in the ship, they had to try to find accommodators. The exorcists would go out in pairs and explore the continent; if any Innocence they carried got within a certain radius of an accommodator, it would make its way to them and give birth to a new exorcist.

Allen learned she had also been scheduled to this task. No one was to be left in the ship as, since all Innocence would be gone, they wouldn't have the same need for security. However, after happened, Kanda had simply distributed the Innocence between the other exorcists and sent them in the mission through the country, leaving her in the ship without any sort of instruction.

The white haired girl stared from the deck as nighttime started and the others reunited in the beach before leaving in separate groups. She had been discarded as useless fodder and, to be quite honest, perhaps this was for the best. It had been a grievous mistake to think she would be successful by working with these strangers, even for a while. Things had only gone wrong ever since she joined the group, and it was time to stop this farce.

Kanda and his crew existed to destroy Akuma; she existed to save them. And this essential difference made them like oil and water.

Her distaste for the idea of staying here until the others returned was so great the city where she had just fought at seemed more inviting than returning to the cabin she'd locked herself in. Getting rid of all the clothes and trinkets bestowed upon her by the monstrous masked girl, she was ready to trash the jewelry too, but hesitated.

What right did Allen have to remove all the evidence of today's failure? She stared at the jewels, specially the ring. It was small and delicate, topped by a simple blue stone. Some would call it pretty, but Allen had always hated wearing such things.

Having made her decision, she placed the golden band back on the ring finger of her right hand. This would serve as a memento of today, and remind her she was alone because of what only she in this world could see.

After disposing of everything else, she grabbed clothes good enough to keep her warm and hide her gender, caught Tincampy who was fortunately easy to find, and made her way out of the ship by herself for the first time in months, ignoring the weak protests of her healing body.

::::::::::::::::::::

It should be worrisome, to walk alone at night in a street that could be inhabited by Akuma, but Allen didn't feel terribly troubled. The anger that burned inside of her actually made her wish an Akuma would appear, just so she would tear it to pieces… and free its soul.

Quite irresponsible of a hurt girl who just lost a battle, yes, but she felt justified.

The whole point of the rule of leaving with another exorcist or remaining in the ship was that so no one would be alone should the enemy appear, yet they had all left the ship with only her inside. Since they had taken all the Innocence fragments with them, the ship had immediately lost most of its value to the crew; Allen could have easily been attacked in her state and, should the number of Akuma be too overwhelming, she would have died without any aid.

These considerations weren't made with bitterness, but simply taken as observable facts. The way things were now actually worked for her. As they had left her defenseless, she could leave the ship without feeling any sort of guilt.

Her steps weren't directed towards any specific spot, they just took her away from the ship and the sea behind it.

The streets were filled with noise of the people, as the night was merely starting. She allowed herself to aimlessly pass in front of stores, calmly treading in the sidewalk. Ignored by people as just another one in the crowd, she felt a certain freedom. No one was waiting for her. No one would be mad because she didn't come back.

And just as she dwelled in the bittersweet thoughts, a man literally flew in front of her. Nonplussed, she watched as other people left the bright establishment, screaming at the fallen person and accusing him of using loaded dice.

Allen stared towards the casino, so inviting and irradiating familiarity. She then took a look at her distressingly light money bag.

The exorcist smiled tentatively.

::::::::::::::::::::

While Allen's expertise was in cards, she was also very resourceful in other sort of luck games, so long as she could manipulate the results with her hands. That is why she was wreaking true havoc in the casino. The small white haired "boy" had fallen like a bomb in the place. Her innocent voice and unyielding smile, coupled with her youthful looks and the immense pile of currency growing by her side made her opponents sway between wanting to kill her and having an apoplectic fit.

She usually avoided causing such a ruckus. While the number of people Allen had cheated in cards was probably too large to count, she usually did only enough so she could pay her Master's debts and provide for their travels. The girl never hoarded any money, because she didn't feel like doing so, and also because… well, it was too dangerous.

Even as she rolled two dices with the sixes up yet again, she could feel the angry stares of everyone she had fooled around her. They were everywhere, most of them staying around even though they had stopped playing – it wasn't like they had any money left to do so, anyway. It was obvious she wouldn't be getting out of here easily, but that didn't worry the girl as it usually would. Allen knew she could be having worse worries and pains in her mind, and thus would happily accept to temporarily forget them by pondering about how she would get out of this casino alive.

Eventually, two casino workers came close to her, one on each side. They were there to protect customers. If she was attacked while inside this building, it would ruin the casino's reputation. She also knew they wanted to catch her cheating.

Good luck with that, suckers, she thought with an evil smirk wanting to surface. Nonetheless, her face remained presenting the same calm and dead smile, even in front of the red faced, furious people still losing to her.

"Meu Deus," said a voice nearby. "É assim que exorcistas passam o tempo livre?"

Allen wasn't surprised. This place had quite a few foreigners, and more than a few were grumbling in words she could not understand. But this voice called her attention. She wanted to look for it, but didn't have to. Soon the voice's owner was in front of her, ushering away her current opponent in poker none too gently and sitting in his place instead. The man who was just lost his seat didn't protest too much, probably realizing this was an act of mercy. He would be left with nothing otherwise.

Not that any of this mattered. Because in front of her was Tyki Mikk, and her poker face broke in pieces for the first time in that night.

"Tyki…" she whispered, after noticing the smirking man wouldn't say anything.

"Careful, dear," he said, taking the cards from the table and the ones in her hand and shuffling them with experienced hands. "With this kind of expression, you're never going to win at this game again."

Instead of answering, she just trying to kept herself from collapsing. It had been a difficult day. No, scratch that, it had been an atrocious day, and she'd been gambling in order to avoid being taken by her emotions…

And now, the man who had sacrificed himself for her, the only one who would do such a thing for Allen – besides her father, whom she had killed – was miraculously alive. And it wasn't in a bed or in a wheelchair, but in front of her, looking as comfortable as one could, shuffling cards like a person who had his abdomen shredded by Akuma really shouldn't be able to.

She felt her throat close and her eyes burn.

"Heh, look at the little bastard's face," said one of the spectators. "Looks like he's pissing himself."

"They must know each other. I hope the shitty albino gets his ass handed to him."

Neither Allen nor Tyki paid them any mind. She wanted to ask just how, but her brain was still processing information and it had been a very long day. So she played, but her movements were mostly automatic and she didn't cheat even once.

"You… how can you be here?" she asked over their game, unblinking eyes not leaving his face.

"Would you believe it if I told you I ran out of money? I spent Sheril's far too much. He is going to kick me out of the house if I don't recover some of it." The dark skinned man then stared at Allen's sizeable bag of winnings, and raised his eyebrows, smiling maliciously. "Will you be the one to help me pay my debts today?"

Allen was too dazed to do anything but stare at him in apprehension, almost waiting for him to suddenly fall apart in a bloody mess.

"Four of a kind," sang the dark skinned man. And she blinked.

Tyki won against her – earning a round of applause from almost everyone around them who started hating Allen long ago – and then the girl woke up.

Because, what in the world. She had just lost at poker.

With a growl, she called double or nothing and shuffled the cards herself, ready for a bloody battle.

::::::::::::::::::::

Allen left the casino with a bag filled with money, but it wasn't as full as she expected it to be. Tyki had been an amazing opponent, and it wasn't that he had formidable luck.

He was just very good at cheating.

She never used the highest hand in poker all the time, because that would make the cheating too blatant. Still, against Tyki, she had no chance but to find a way to cheat for Royal Straight Flush every time she could, or she would lose. They ended almost in a draw. He had two wins over her, and her competitive spirit wanted to force him to sit down in the dirty sidewalk and play yet again, but her hands were cramped from so much cheating. When you resorted to tricks, your hands worked too much, and too fast. She would have her revenge on Tyki some other day, she swore to herself.

The playing had been so intense it had done its mission of taking most troubles from her mind; but now that the whole strenuous mental activity was done, she restarted gaining her senses, and logic simply dictated that Tyki was walking far too easily for someone who had been on the brink of death.

"It's a miracle of medicine," said Tyki once she asked him, "and, well, great doctors. The best in the country. You know when I said I almost broke Sheril? Well, some surgeons out there are retiring as millionaires."

"I… see," said Allen quietly, wide eyes never leaving his face.

"Come on, girl, don't be like that. I'm not a zombie or anything. Aren't you happy I am fine?"

::::::::::::::::::::

The day hadn't gone as planned. Tyki hadn't been bothered by the Earl for a while, and would have enjoyed meeting his human friends, but they were too far away and it had been too long ever since they last met; Tyki would have to track them down. Unable to enjoy the lavish lifestyle provided by Sheril's games as a Minister, since he was supposed to be half dead and decidedly not appearing in social circles, he decided to leave the house and enjoy a night doing one of the things he most liked – gambling.

Needing to avoid the greater establishments frequented by the richest lest he was spotted, he chose a less known casino, and what a surprise it had been to see a certain white haired exorcist causing the same terror she had once brought upon him and his friends in that train.

He had thought she would smile at seeing him well, and then accept his challenge. Instead, she lost control after recognizing the nobleman and, though she had seemed suitably angered at her pathetic game against him the first time, she hadn't fully recovered no matter how many times they played.

"Aren't you happy I am fine?" he asked as they walked together – to where, he didn't know. Certainly not towards the ship, as they were going in a direction opposite of that of the sea.

He wanted her to break out of her stupor. She certainly should be surprised at his miraculous recovery – she didn't know he was a Noah, after all – but it wouldn't do for her to keep staring at him as if he were a mystery for the whole night.

"Of course I'm happy," she said weakly, and he raised an eyebrow. "Really… I…"

She then finally raised her face, staring his eyes, and smiled so brilliantly it took his breath away.

A tear fell, sliding down her cheek, and she wiped it hastily, almost like a reprimand to herself. "You… I… I have been so worried… and they wouldn't let me see you," she said sadly, but her smile didn't falter. "Oh, God, I'm such a mess. I'm sorry, I have had a hard day… and I'm not very composed…" she said, fidgeting, and now staring at the floor once more. "But I'm incredibly happy you are well. You don't have any idea of how much. It's been eating at me… oh, alright, I will stop."

He watched her blabber with wide eyes, but this time, it wasn't a façade. This had been affecting her much more than imagined.

"Thank you for saving me," she continued. "I mean it. I don't want you to ever, ever do that again, but… I will always be grateful. I promise."

She didn't say that with the weariness of those burdened by an unwanted debt, but merely looking so happy and staring at him with something that should make him very proud, but instead filled him with nausea.

Because he had never saved her, and he also knew very well what made her so distraught today.

"Don't… don't mention it," said he, patting her shoulder friendly in the hopes that she would forget any gratefulness towards him. It was what he had wanted, a strong emotion from the girl to toy with, but the whole notion didn't seem as pleasurable as it did before.

They resumed their awkward walk, though she seemed pretty content and the discomfort resided only in himself. He barely had time to contemplate what was wrong with him when he noticed them – the men from the casino, he recognized, and some others, following them in what he supposed was an attempt to be discreet. The young exorcist by his side seemed oblivious to it all, probably trying to sort her thoughts, and he grumbled in annoyance at the interruption.

"What is it?" asked Allen, noticing the shift in his mood.

"We have company," said he, discreetly pointing at their pursuers.

Her eyes widened in worry. "Oh, my. They have weapons," she observed, seeming very anxious indeed. Tyki hadn't noticed; humans could hardly come up with anything capable of destroying him, anyway.

"Well, it's alright," decided Tyki. "You can go ahead. I will take care of them." At least this time he would truly be her savior – sort of. She probably didn't want to use her Innocence on civilians, and therefore would need some help.

Instead of shyly blushing or whatever other reaction he expected out of her, Allen sniffed instead. "Yeah, sure."

He stared. "…Allen?"

"Really, men can be so prideful," she scolded him. "What did I tell you about trying to save me again? Furthermore, what can you do against a dozen men, Tyki?"

Rip their limbs off. Crush their organs without leaving a trace. Break their bones one by one, though this is more of Sheril's specialty. "Um," he said instead.

Allen smiled, before activating her Innocence in a sudden move. He had to restrain himself in order not to attack the hostile element, and the girl became enveloped by her white anti Akuma weapon.

"Now listen, you can't possibly-" attack these civilians with Innocence, he wanted to say, but Allen cut him short.

"Don't worry, I will be gentle," she said with a wink, before gathering the astonished Noah in her arms and taking off.