Chapter 14
The rain continued mostly unabated for the duration of their stay on Chalcedon. Even so, Cassian and Bodhi braved the rain to go after the teas Baze and Chirrut wanted, not knowing when their next opportunity might come.
With the gloomy weather, they were not sorry to move on to Takodana for the rendezvous and drop off of their lucre. They weren't due to stay long on the planet, but Melshi did agree for a group to go for a drink at Maz Kanata's Castle. Only the two Guardians and K-2 declined.
At least in a group, Cassian was spared another encounter with Maz like the last time he was here. He didn't need any more of her strange observations. And part of him didn't want to risk having her see in his eyes too much of what was in his head lately.
They returned after dark to find Chirrut sprawled on the floor while Baze gave him a massage. Chirrut would never admit it, but Baze had told them that his injuries from Scarif sometimes left him stiff. Usually his meditation and exercises sufficed, but sometimes he wanted or needed more.
"We really need to get a table or something where you can work, maybe one that folds down from the wall like the tables in our cabins. That would be easier for you than having to kneel beside us on the floor." Jyn stood looking around the hold, considering the possibilities.
"Yeah, that would be a lot better," Bodhi enthused. "Even attached to the wall it could be a comfortable height for him. And we could change direction when he needed us to. Only thing is, I'm not especially good at building stuff. Jedha was more desert and rock, so wood wasn't used all that much. What about the rest of you?"
Heads were shaking, but Cassian pressed himself to participate rather than sit silently on the sidelines as he so often did. "Melshi is good at that sort of thing. Maybe he could make a table like you want."
"Rostok was really good at it, too," Tonc added from the spot he had resumed at the terminal, where he spent much of his time. "He had some nice stuff in his quarters that he built."
The chatter rolled on, but the mention of Rostok was like a door slamming in Cassian's face. He fell back on what he knew: an impassive expression and silence. Melshi's arrival drew everyone's attention there, discussing the suggestion of making a table for Baze, and Cassian used the diversion to stand, fake a yawn and say good night.
Alone in his room, he stretched out on his bed. He wasn't entirely sure why talking about Scarif bothered him so much. They had lost a lot of good men, many invited to join the strike team by him personally. Yet, they had all been volunteers, knowing exactly what the situation was. Yes, he felt guilty about surviving when so many did not, but that was more of a fluke than anything else. He had expected to die the same as everyone else had, it just hadn't worked out that way. And he wasn't the only survivor – that would have been much worse. He couldn't even say that Scarif was where he lost his closest friend, because K-2 had been restored to him, and Jyn had also survived.
Despite all that, however, there was something about Scarif that was…different. That was hard for him to…even think about for very long. Maybe he was afraid of where his thoughts would lead him if he considered that mission too much or too deeply. It was supposed to have been a good thing, a mission he didn't have to feel ashamed of leading. So why didn't it feel much like a victory?
xx
Cassian gave a prolonged gasp and sat up. He blinked in the darkness of his cabin, then lurched for the light, needing to drive the shadows back. Involuntarily, his gaze repeatedly darted around the room, and some part of him was searching for danger lurking there, even knowing he would readily be able to see if anyone else was present. He began counting slowly, timing his breaths in and out to match the rhythm until he could feel his heart begin to slow its frantic beating.
He must have drifted off sometime during his troubled, rambling thoughts last night. Tonight? He wasn't even sure how much time had passed. He was still in the clothes he had been wearing when he returned to his cabin. He turned blearily to the chrono – shortly after midnight.
He pulled off his shirt with shaky hands and rubbed it over his face and neck to wipe away the sheen of sweat that covered him, then fumbled with one of the drawers beneath his bed to find a clean one to put on. The dirty one he tossed in the corner to deal with later.
It had been a while since that particular nightmare had bothered him, and he wasn't sure what had triggered it this time. Maybe Tonc mentioning Rostok? Reminding him of Scarif? He scrubbed hard at his face as though trying to erase the remaining tendrils of dream physically from his body. It had changed slightly this time. He had almost gotten used to nightmare visits from his victims, and from others he had failed to keep safe or save. Their names and faces were as familiar to him as his own. Only this time, his shipmates joined the throng, accusing him of putting them at risk, of worrying he would shoot them in the back if he thought it was necessary. And Jyn stood at the front of the team, looking the most betrayed of them all. I trusted you she'd said with disappointment, and this is how you reward that trust?
With a groan, he fell back on his bed, curling in a ball and wrapping his arms around his head. It hurt to think; he was so tired of thinking, of remembering. Baze had suggested that doing good things could help offset all the terrible acts he had committed for the Cause, but he was mistaken – there was too much. Way too much. How could he ever make up for even a tiny portion of it, much less all?
xxx
"Team, form up. Briefing in ten minutes. Repeat, briefing in ten minutes. Form up."
It wasn't the first time Melshi had awakened them with such an announcement, but the early hour still caused some grumbling. Slowly they dressed and stumbled toward the corridor where they met. Unfortunately, breakfast would have to wait, but at least Melshi usually made caf when he did this, and had it waiting.
They pretty much all arrived about the same time, so other than a mumbled 'good morning', there was little conversation and Melshi quickly began the meeting.
"Sorry about the early call, but we got orders and it is only a little over an hour flight from here. This will give you all time to eat and prepare what you need." With that, he launched into the details of where they were going and what they hoped to accomplish. They had spent enough time together that these meetings didn't usually take long, unless someone had questions.
While he was clarifying something for Tonc, Jyn glanced away, her mind already considering what she needed to do in preparation for her part of the mission. Bodhi, sitting across from her, caught her eye, then twitched his gaze quickly to Cassian next to her, and back to her. Her brow wrinkled and he did it again. Only then did she become aware of the tension holding Cassian's body taut, his gaze fixed on the wall across from him rather than on the meeting.
Uh oh. He had become withdrawn yesterday evening and went to bed early. She hadn't heard anything from his cabin or seen him, but apparently there was something she had missed. She had noticed this body language from him before – he was wandering somewhere in his mind, and it was not a healthy place for him to be.
Jyn reached over, wrapped her arms around his left arm, and pillowed her head against his shoulder. "Take notes and fill me in later," she muttered, feigning sleep. The action and her words jolted him from his tumultuous thoughts, and she could feel him begin to relax against her. Across from them, a slight smile twitched at Bodhi's mouth before he turned his attention back to Melshi. If anyone else noticed, they made no comment and kept their eyes turned away.
When the meeting concluded, Baze looked at her. "Not much I need to do to prepare. I'll check on your supplies for you, if you like."
She nodded. "Thanks, Baze." She was grateful the team had all grown so close and could anticipate each other's needs. If he handled the inventory for her, and did the pre-prep, it would give her a little time to talk to Cassian. She nudged him, not letting go of his arm just yet. "Cassian, give me a hand?"
Fortunately he didn't question her and she made no effort to elaborate. She kept hold of his hand, as he trailed behind her down the hallway. At her cabin, she led him in and pushed the door closed, then drew him over to the bed and shoved him down to sit on it. That put him somewhat at eye level with her. "Look at me, Cassian."
He didn't move, his gaze fixed on the floor at her feet. Moving closer, she caught his chin and nudged it upward as she reiterated, "Look at me." When he finally relented, she had to fight to stifle the sharp inhale of breath she wanted to take. The lost, confused expression had returned.
Though he had looked tired this morning, as though he hadn't slept well, her own mind was too sleep fogged to take sufficient notice. Clearly it wasn't merely a sleepless night. She brushed his hair back from his forehead. "Tell me. What's going on in your noggin, Cassian?" When he didn't reply, she said more forcefully, "Tell me."
His jaw worked, but nothing came out. Finally, he murmured, "Scarif. All those people died. What did we gain? I led them to their deaths."
Jyn stilled, willing herself to calmness. This she understood. She felt guilty, too, that so many had died there when she did not. After all, her father built the weapon that made that effort necessary. But she wasn't her father, and the Death Star wasn't her fault, even if she had taken on the responsibility of seeing it destroyed using her father's design flaw.
At length, she leaned her forehead down to touch his. "All those people who followed us, followed me, to Scarif, did it voluntarily, Cassian. They weren't ordered there. They were only compelled by their desire to destroy that monstrosity, and their belief that the plans on Scarif were the only way to make that possible. They came because they wanted to make a difference, do something good and worthwhile – we ALL went for that reason. And the Alliance fleet didn't have to come help us once we went, but they chose to do so. In spite of the Council's refusal to act, others besides us understood that it was necessary. I'm sorry they died, too. I feel guilty about it, too. But it wasn't our fault. The Empire was going to build that thing with or without my father's help, but thanks to his part in it we had a way to defeat it. And that is what we gained. Destruction of the Death Star at Yavin was a victory, and a very bloody nose for the Empire. We showed them, and the galaxy, that they were not invincible. That if people were willing to stand up and fight, they could be defeated. Yes, you and I led a mission where many died. But if we hadn't, Alderaan would have been the first, not the last, planet to face utter destruction. That is what we gained."
He didn't resist when she wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly to her. "You have done bad things in your life, Cassian. You and I both know it. But Scarif was not one of them, and you can't carry that weight on your shoulders. If you're to blame for those deaths, then I am even moreso."
She could feel dampness on her shirt, and she pressed a kiss to his head. She lingered as long as she could but, unfortunately, she had work she needed to do. "Stay here. Lie down and rest. I'll be back as soon as I can."
"I…I have to—"
She cut him off. "You don't have to do anything. Melshi will understand, and so will everyone else. We have this under control. Stay here, or I'll get K to make you stay."
She had hoped that would win her at least a tiny smile, but he only nodded and laid down with a sigh. She brushed his hair back again and pressed another kiss to his forehead. "Rest. I'll be back."
Jyn felt the many eyes on her when she returned to the main section of the ship, but now was not the time for explanations. They'd just have to trust her. "Let's do this," was all she said to them, pulling on her gloves, and they accepted that as sufficient.
They were lucky it was not a complicated mission, and that they ran into few difficulties. It was clear to Jyn, if no one else, that she wasn't at her best this time around. Her thoughts persistently kept turning to Cassian, despite knowing how dangerous that inattention might be.
Perhaps Melshi had suspected that might turn out to be the case, as he sent Bodhi with her even though she normally worked alone. Likely it was so she had someone watching for trouble if she was distracted. While she thought she probably would have been fine without the escort, she was glad to have Bodhi along. Somehow she always found his companionship soothing, even in the middle of an op.
Back aboard ship, though, it was more difficult to focus on the debrief and not turn her attention toward Cassian who was absent.
"What was that explosion?"
Jyn suddenly realized no one was answering, and everyone was looking at her questioningly. "Not me. I didn't do it." She raised her hands in denial.
"Did you know," Baze asked, while idly cleaning dirt from under his fingernails, "that one of your bombs, placed inside a trash incinerator, will explode even if not detonated by hand?"
There was utter silence for an instant, and then Tonc snickered and it contagiously spread through the group.
"How would you know that?" Jyn chuckled, glad for the laughter to ease the tension in her shoulders.
He shrugged. "I was just curious to see what would happen."
She gave a mock bow. "I have taught you well, my young apprentice. You make me proud."
Chirrut wrapped an arm around his companion's shoulders and quipped, "Young?"
"Don't start that again. I'm less than two months older than you, as you well know. You don't let anyone call you old."
"Boys, stop your bickering. You're both of you young at heart," Jyn assured them. Then with a wicked grin she added, "And you both can thrash opponents as well as, or better than, men half your age."
Before the conversation could continue, Melshi interjected, "Meeting dismissed. Debate this on your own time."
As the group began to disperse, Jyn considered her next move. She glanced toward the kitchen. Odds were that Cassian hadn't eaten anything. If no one else had gotten to them already, there might still be leftovers from two nights ago to tempt him with.
She was in luck and warmed them up. On her way to her cabin, she met Bodhi in the corridor. He eyed what she held. "I was kind of hoping no one had beat me to that. Guess I'll have to move quicker next time."
She smiled. "Tell you what, if I can't entice Cassian to eat it, you have dibs."
He looked skeptical. "Not unless you hand it to me and I eat it immediately. With this lot? You set that plate down and turn your back, it will be gone."
"It is nice having decent food for a change, isn't it."
"Yeah." His expression sobered and he glanced where she was headed. "Good luck."
She squeezed his arm as they passed, and continued on. Outside her door, she took a steadying breath and entered. Cassian was turned toward the wall. He might be sleeping, but she couldn't be sure. And somehow she would think a spy unlikely to sleep through someone entering the room. Still, she decided to let him acknowledge her presence when he was ready. Quietly she divested herself of her gear and then settled on the pulldown bench to peruse her datapad.
The silence stretched on a mere ten minutes or so before his voice drifted to her, though he didn't turn over. "How did it go?"
"No problems. Baze blew up a trash incinerator."
"Why?"
"Curiosity, apparently. He wanted to see what happened if he tossed one of my bombs in there. The heat was enough to trigger it."
Finally, he rolled onto his back, but still did not look at her.
"I brought you the leftovers from what you made the other night. You missed breakfast. You should try to eat."
"Maybe later."
"Can't guarantee it will still be an option later. You've turned out to be too good of a cook. I disappointed others that I got to the leftovers first."
He managed a weak smile, and she set the datapad aside, going to sit on the side of the bed. He didn't look up at her, so she brushed his hair back from his forehead to draw his attention.
"Cassian, so long as people have been given a choice, you can't begrudge them the choice that they make. Everyone who went with us to Scarif chose to do so. Mourn their deaths, if you will, but you can't carry the weight of everyone who dies. Not those men, or your parents, or even my father. We didn't cause those deaths, we simply couldn't prevent them, much as we would have liked to. We didn't cause the destruction of Alderaan. We simply weren't able to prevent it. In war, and even in life, people die."
He sighed and closed his eyes. "I see them. In my dreams. Blaming me."
"I know. And maybe some of them have that right, but you made the best choice you could at the time. You didn't kill indiscriminately – there was always a reason for it. You did what you were trained to do, and taught to believe was right to do because it would save many other lives. Second-guessing yourself won't change that. All you can do now is evaluate things differently as you move forward. That's all any of us can do."
Tentatively he slid his arm around her. "Thank you for sticking with me."
"You kept coming back for me. Now it's my turn. I won't leave you behind either."
His arm tightened, but he didn't answer.
xx
It took several hours, but Jyn finally had Cassian up, fed and showered. Whether those things or something else, his spirits were lighter than before, and she persuaded him to come join the others in the hold. She was grateful the team understood not to draw attention to his presence.
"Where do we go next, Sergeant?"
Melshi looked up from his datapad at Chirrut's question. "Rrulinn. Do some recon, and determine if it would be possible to get a toehold there. The Empire controls it now, but their presence is fairly light." He lapsed back into silence.
Finally, Bodhi stretched and asked, "Anyone interested in playing pazaak?"
"Sure, I'm in," Baze replied.
Jyn nudged Cassian questioningly and rather reluctantly he nodded agreement. "Us, too," she said. "How about you Melshi? I doubt we could pull Tonc away from that terminal."
"Heard that," the corporal muttered, without paying much attention.
"Yeah, okay," Melshi relented.
The others settled down on the matted floor in a circle with Bodhi, who had begun to set things up.
"You as good at this as you are at sabacc?" Baze asked, sprawling on his side.
Bodhi shook his head. "Not quite. But I do okay."
"We'll see about that." Jyn grinned at him.
"You're good?" Cassian asked.
"Spent nearly a year on Takodana. It was my preferred game for keeping myself in credits. Came in handy elsewhere, too."
The game stretched on until K-2 announced their coming out of hyperspace. "Okay, briefing in ten," Melshi told them as he headed for the cockpit.
xxx
Bodhi dashed on board gasping for breath. Finally he got enough air in his lungs to tell them, "Tonc is in trouble. He's pinned down and I couldn't do anything to get him out. I came to get help."
Jyn's hand dropped to her truncheon as she listened, drawing Cassian's eyes there.
"Why didn't you just comm for help?" Melshi asked.
"Couldn't. My communicator, it got smashed. A stormtrooper, he caught me by surprise and we fought. Somehow the comlink got knocked to the ground and he stepped on it." Before they could ask, he added, "Tonc was too busy fighting to have a chance to do it, I guess. Or maybe he thought I had."
"How did you get away?" Knowing Bodhi wasn't much of a fighter, Cassian would have expected him to lose. Stormtroopers weren't the best shots around, but that armor made them difficult to fight hand to hand.
Bodhi looked sheepish, then admitted with some pride, "I, uh, I used a move Jyn taught me. It actually worked. I mean, even with me being the one doing it instead of Jyn."
"Of course it did," Jyn told him. "You aren't inept like you think. Anyway, Tonc…"
"He's over by the warehouses that we were checking out. Pinned down behind some cargo bins, but no good escape path. He was keeping them at bay with blaster fire when I left, but I don't know how long he can keep that up."
"Send Jyn." It wasn't what Cassian would have liked to say, but he knew better than anyone she was most suited to the task. "With her fighting skills, she has the best chance of getting to him to help."
Melshi didn't hesitate. "Agreed. Erso, go."
Instantly, Jyn sprinted down the ramp as Bodhi settled on a bench to further catch his breath.
Cassian paced nervously near the top of the ramp, then turned on his heel and hurried to the armory. A moment later he reappeared with a blaster rifle in hand. Melshi stepped in front of him and caught his arm, eyeing him questioningly.
"They may need cover fire in order to retreat. I can provide that. I'll find a roof and configure this for sniper."
Melshi's mouth twitched, but finally he stepped aside giving a quick nod of consent. Cassian disappeared out the exit and was soon out of sight.
Finding Tonc was easy enough – the blaster fire led Jyn right to the place. She had been able to dodge stray troopers without difficulty, or needing to fight thus drawing attention to herself. Then things got tricky. She could see why Bodhi had chosen to come for help. Tonc was pinned down behind a solo stack of crates, and any attempt to move away from it would put him out in the open.
She worked her way closer staying behind similar crates with better cover, until finally he noticed her. Unfortunately, it didn't give her a sightline on the enemy, making cover fire impossible.
Her comlink crackled. "Erso!" It was Tonc and she glanced over at him, only twenty feet away, but a deadly twenty feet.
He gestured to her satchel that she hadn't dropped in the ship and put his hands in a catching position. "Toss me one! I can get it right in the middle of them from here."
She winced and shook her head. "I left the detonator on the ship. I wasn't expecting to need these. There's no way to set them off." His scowl matched hers, and she looked around for another option.
A new voice joined their conversation. "Give him a couple of your bombs to throw. I'll detonate them in the air."
"Cassian? Where are you?"
"Nearby. Have him toss a few and let's see if this works."
Tonc clearly had been listening and readied himself to catch the bombs she tossed. She held up three fingers to let him know what to expect, and then started sending them his way. One got past him, so she tossed a fourth. She wanted to give Cassian several chances to pull this off – it wasn't going to be an easy shot, even knowing how skilled he was.
Her assessment was correct. Cassian's shots missed the first two that Tonc lobbed toward the enemy. Jyn got ready to give Tonc more if Cassian missed the last one, but finally he nailed it. She heard the yells amid the explosion, but couldn't see how clear an escape path might be. Cassian apparently had a better vantage. "Tonc, go – toward Jyn. I'll cover you briefly and then follow."
Tonc took the lead, and Jyn followed at a distance, guarding their rear. From a side alley between them, four stormtroopers burst forth and and turned to pursue Tonc. Jyn used the element of surprise to attack from behind with blaster and truncheon, and soon took them down. Before she could continue on, one of the troopers was still stirring and managed to grab her ankle. She crashed to her hands and knees, and her weapons skidded out of reach. Rolling onto her back, she kicked at the trooper still holding her leg, and was rewarded with a vibroblade slash across her midsection. She swallowed the pain and slammed a boot into his head again, making him release his grip, but then a blaster bolt shattered his helmet and he went still.
Cassian appeared beside her, hauling her to her feet. She snatched up her weapons and began to run, just as Tonc reappeared to assist. The three raced for the ship, piling inside even as the ramp rose. They stumbled to benches while the ship broke atmosphere, slipping into hyperspace a few minutes later.
"Thanks," Tonc said wearily, bent over with his elbows on his knees, but looking at the other two. "Wasn't sure I'd get out of that one. Nice shot, Captain."
Cassian nodded, but turned to Jyn as she raised her shirt to examine her wound. Melshi appeared with a medpac, and Cassian took it as he knelt down in front of her. "Let's see that."
He examined it briefly, then began to root in the medpac for the supplies he would need.
"How bad is it?" She craned to see around the clothing bunched up above the injury.
"Well, it looks like it hurts. A lot."
"Yeah? In this case looks aren't deceiving."
He smiled. "You'll live."
Somehow his words were more comforting than they should have been.
He pulled out the antiseptic wipes from the medpac. "Unfortunately, this will make it hurt worse, at least briefly."
She sighed and leaned her head back against the wall. "Do it."
He opened one of the packages, and then caught hold of her side to manipulate the skin for complete cleansing. She hissed and flinched at his touch. He quickly released her, fearing she had an unnoticed injury. "What? I haven't even done anything yet."
"Your hands are cold."
He chuckled. "Sorry about that. Here goes." He regrasped her side and set to work.
Admirably, she kept silent through his ministrations, but once he had the wound bandaged, she let out a relieved sigh. "Thanks. I think."
He looked over at Tonc. "What about you? Any injuries?" His gaze raked over the man, but found no sign of evident damage.
"I'm good."
After the day's excitement, Cassian wasn't really in the mood for cooking, so they settled for their usual ration meals. Bodhi chewed his thoughtfully, then announced, "You know, these are even more tasteless now that I've been reminded what good food can taste like."
The others murmured agreement as Cassian flushed slightly at the praise. Certainly he had never anticipated serving on the team as cook, but it wasn't a bad responsibility.
Most of them turned in early that night, weary from back-to-back missions, but since Cassian had slept earlier he stayed up a while, keeping K-2 company in the cockpit. It made him realize how much he missed their time together now that it wasn't just the two of them. He resolved to change that. K had been his friend too long to be forgotten now.
It was after midnight before Cassian made for his own bed. At least for the moment, he felt more relaxed and at peace. Perhaps he could manage to sleep the night through for a change.
Just as he reached to open his door, a sound caught his notice. He cocked his head, listening, trying to identify what he was hearing. Abruptly, he realized it was the sound of distress and coming from Jyn's cabin. He moved closer and pressed his ear to the door. It was louder now; this was definitely the source.
There was only a moment's hesitation. After all she had done for him, he couldn't walk away and leave her to cope alone. He knocked firmly, making sure he would be heard. It took three times knocking, though, before the sounds subsided; he had finally managed to waken her. He listened to her feet hit the floor and stumble over to open the door.
For a few seconds, neither spoke. It had seemed simpler before they were face to face.
"I thought I heard you, maybe having a nightm—"
"I'm fine," she said, too quickly, not meeting his eyes. Her sweat-soaked clothes and restless agitation told a different story.
They stood in silence for a moment, but then he pressed on. "Jyn, it's me. You don't have to hide from me."
She ran a hand through her hair, distracted, and he suddenly noticed it wasn't tied back as usual. For some reason, he had a strong urge to also run his fingers through it. When her brow wrinkled in confusion, he realized he had been staring, and flushed slightly. "Your hair. I, uh, I've never seen you wearing it down before. It's…nice."
She pinked at the compliment. "It's a mess, you mean." She finger-combed it a couple of times, but then gave up on the task.
To Cassian's surprise, he realized she felt awkward accepting help from him, even after all she had done on his behalf and seeing him at his worst. "Can I come in?" He kept his voice pitched low and soothing, and after a moment she jerked a nod and stepped clear of the doorway.
Once inside, he considered the options. The pull-down seats were at opposite ends of the room, so that wouldn't work. Jyn never hesitated to plunk down on his bunk next to him. He followed that example and seated himself there, gesturing for her to join him.
He had never seen her so twitchy before; he could guess at the reason – whatever nightmare had troubled her. Likely some of the things that haunted him also troubled her mind at night, but he suspected she had a few unique fears as well.
"What woke you – the wound? Do you need painkiller?"
"No, I'm f—"
"You're fine, I know. Same as I am." He raised an eyebrow when she gave him a sharp look. "Of all the people in the galaxy, I'm the last one you could convince you enjoy blissful sleep any more than I do. The things we've seen and done and lived through visit us when we let down our guard in the night." He pursed his lips, then looked up at her through his lashes. "Let me try to help you, at least a little, as you've been trying to help me. Let me try to return the favor." He raised a hand to forestall any protest. "I know I don't have to repay you, but I want to, if I can. I want to help."
Jyn fell back on the bed and pulled the pillow over her face, but Cassian just slid back to lean on the wall and sat quietly waiting.
Finally, from under the pillow, he heard her muffled explanation. "It was the injury. Well, the way I got it."
He reached over and pulled the pillow up slightly. "Tell me."
She didn't resist when he tugged the pillow away from her face completely, but kept her eyes closed. "One of the troopers I downed wasn't out of it yet – he grabbed my ankle; I tripped and fell." Her voice was flat and toneless, but he could tell she had the emotion under a tight rein. "Tonc kept going – he didn't notice I wasn't still with him. I hit my knees and it made me drop my weapons. They skidded away from me. Before I could reach either of them, the trooper had hold of my leg and we were fighting. You know what happened after that."
When she made a lengthy pause, he asked, "Having to fight someone who was fighting back surely wasn't new to you. Why was this time different?"
"Tonc k..kept going." Her voice broke on the words.
He sighed heavily. She had once explained how Saw hid her in a bunker at sixteen, and didn't return as promised. "And you were left behind, abandoned."
She nodded.
He caught hold of her hand and pulled her up, then over into his arms. "Always remember that the people who have left you behind never wanted to do so. There were reasons why it was necessary, or that it happened accidentally, but it was never their preference. Your father had no choice, and maybe your mother didn't either in wanting to protect her family. You told me Saw did it because others had learned your identity and wanted to use it – he also wanted to protect you. And Tonc, well, he just didn't realize the situation had changed. He turned back when he saw you were no longer behind him. I just got there first to help, but he came."
She curled into his side, seeming to find comfort in his embrace and reassurances. He suddenly understood how much it would have meant to her that he kept coming back for her when there was no reason that he should. I'm not used to people sticking around when things go bad. She had meant that more literally than he guessed. He fed her back her own words. "We're a team, all of us, and we have your back. We're with you all the way."
Jyn never allowed herself to display such vulnerability; he doubted she had ever let herself be seen like this. It touched something inside him that she had permitted him to see past her walls, glimpse her weakness, trusting he wouldn't abuse the privilege. It had been over six months since Scarif. Had she been suffering silently all this time? Bodhi said she had chosen this cabin to put herself well away from everyone else. Was that so no one would hear her distress in the night when she couldn't contain it? And that would only have been the more recent traumas of Jedha, Eadu and Scarif, plus anything since then. Who had held her after her parents were taken, after Saw abandoned her? Or had she been holding it inside all this time, and only now was it boiling over, unable to be concealed any longer?
She clutched his shirt like a frightened child, and his arms tightened around her. He wondered when was the last time she had been held and comforted by anyone. He doubted Saw Gerrera was the type to do it, even when Jyn had been a child under his care. After her efforts to help him, he now understood the difference that human contact could make. At least she seemed to find this soothing, to have found a modicum of reprieve from tormenting thoughts. Hopefully she could still manage a little worthwhile sleep in the remaining hours until dawn. He would stay as long as she needed him here.
To be continued…
invented characters:
Sergeant Daster – head of the tech shop on the tech frigate
Dr Lesorid – kind doctor caring for Cassian
All other characters actually are taken from the existing Star Wars universe.
Ch 14 note: I could only find birth years for Baze and Chirrut. The idea that Baze was born late in the year and Chirrut was born early in the next year so that they are only 2 months separate in age is my choice for this story.
Ch 14 note: From Wookieepedia: "Serchill Rostok, nicknamed "Rostok the Rock" was a human male soldier that served in the Alliance to Restore the Republic during the Galactic Civil War. During the war, Corporal Rostok became a member of Rogue One." I randomly chose him here since I needed someone of the same rank as Tonc, so they were likely to associate in off hours.