CHAPTER 11

It was in an uneasy state of mind that Kanda made his way back to the ship after finishing covering the assigned area with Reed. He ran with all the speed he could afford, forcing his companion to do the same, and hoping his unease was unfounded and that, in the end, everything would be alright.

Of course, it could all be an exaggeration on his part – he did have the habit of allowing a small concern to grow into a state of alarm of enormous proportions. But they lived in a world where monsters with supernatural powers lived under the command to destroy them. More than once, also, his worries had proven to be valid. It came to a point where he stopped dreading having that talk with Walker – he actually hoped they would speak, since that would mean she would be alive and well.

Once they reached the beach, Kanda let out a sigh of relief. The place still had the same movement of always, with people trading, carrying crates, cleaning, or just standing around. The somewhat peaceful scenario proved no attack had happened. Had any Akuma tried to enter the ship, its fight with Walker would have at the very least attracted the attention of the people close by. The authorities would have interdicted the area or, at the very least, the people would have left out of their own volition and fear.

The ship also showed no signs of a struggle or battle. Kanda did not display his satisfaction at that fact, but Reed smiled up at him knowingly, and he didn't berate the man. They went to their Innocence storage room and sealed the shards they had taken away.

"I'm going to look for Walker," said he to his companion.

"Sure thing. Good luck," said he, before turning to make way to his cabin. It was obvious the man was beyond exhausted and would like to have a rest.

Kanda walked towards Walker's cabin. He knocked twice. Seeing as there was no answer, he knocked again, this time with a bit more force. Only silence could be heard, however. Wanting to make sure she wasn't there and simply couldn't – or did not want to – hear him, he turned the doorknob. It wasn't locked and opened easily.

There was nobody there, indeed. The room was bare of anything but the most basic furniture and an old, red framed mirror he was almost sure had been placed there by Lenalee's insistence. He had been inside Walker's cabin twice, even if he had not really entered, but he did notice the white haired exorcist was like him in that she did not decorate her space in any way. It was almost as impersonal as his own cabin, signaling it was only used to sleep and store a few clothes and other personal possessions inside the wardrobe. It was natural she would not be locked in her room as it was still daytime, he decided, and he turned to leave and look for her somewhere else.

Before he left, however, a flash of blue on his peripheral vision caught his attention. Kanda looked back at its source. It was a trash bin by the side of Walker's bed, and it was filled to the brim with some sort of bright, light blue material.

It didn't take him long to realize that this was the strange dress Walker had been wearing when she returned from that confusing battle against Akuma she fought with Lenalee. According to the Chinese girl, Walker had been dressed with it before she woke from her trauma induced unconsciousness. He picked the cloth up, and some trinkets that were tangled on it fell back to the bin – earrings, a small pair of shoes, and other nonsense. The cloth he held was torn apart in many places, and he allowed it to fall back into the bin. He would later tell the girl to dispose of it all. It made him uneasy to have objects that belonged to the enemy inside his ship.

"Kanda?"

The voice surprised him, and he turned around. Unfortunately, it wasn't Walker, but Lenalee, who stood in the doorway.

"Lenalee. How did it go?" he asked, taking on the tired looking girl. She looked quite exhausted – more than he would expect from someone like her, whose specialty was to travel in high speeds.

"We didn't get hurt. There was no conflict at all. But we didn't find any accommodator, either," said she, still clutching the bag with Innocence to herself. He nodded, not surprised by that. If every mission such as this one ended with at least one accommodator found, their organization would be far greater, after all.

"That is fine. Seal these Innocence and go take a rest," he said, signaling for her to make way so he could pass. She ignored it, however, and stared at him with troubled eyes.

"Where is Allen?" she asked, and her voice was devoid of any resentment.

"I don't know, but I'm searching for her. Don't look for her, though. I want to speak to her first, but if you two fight once again, it will only complicate matters."

She seemed somewhat hurt at his statement, and he bravely resisted the urge to hit himself. He truly didn't know how to deal with those two. Never before had he dealt with such a great internal conflict, and he hadn't thought it would complicate their daily life this much. Hopefully, the two women would eventually reconcile, despite the hatred they seemed to hold against each other the last time he spoke to them about their fight with the bizarre child-looking Akuma leader. Until then, however, he would very much like it if he could stop them from seeing each other for at the very least a week or so.

"I'm sorry about what happened," said Lenalee, and that surprised him. "I was very angry, but… I'm not anymore. I travelled for days without anything of relevance happening, so… I had a lot of time to think. And I may have… overreacted."

Kanda hadn't expected that. Lenalee was a girl of a good disposition, he knew that, and she hated fighting. But when she got angry, it would take a lot for her to go back to her usual self. He knew she was a good person, but she also held grudges, and that was why he didn't expect her to be in good terms with Walker anytime soon. To see her changing her opinion so easily…

"What happened?" he asked, despite the fact that he had been wanting to simply leave the room only a few minutes ago. "You told me the story yourself. How Walker risked both your lives, just to save an Akuma. I understood why you felt like you did. Now you are acting like you are in the wrong. Before I speak to Walker, I need to understand why."

"It's not that I think I'm in the wrong," protested Lenalee, "because I care about Allen… I love her, and I won't have her killing herself!"

Kanda raised his eyebrows at her bold declaration. He had not expected Lenalee to attach herself to the new member so fast. He certainly didn't expect her to consider Allen family after their bout. Still, he didn't interrupt her.

"But…" Lenalee continued, "but I may have mistaken her feelings. At first, I thought she was just being reckless, and wanting to save a monster, but… I had time to think of the way she acted, and she looked very angry, but she was also very sad… very sad, Kanda. I still think what she did was very wrong. But it may be that she was confused. It was like… it was like she could see something I could not, and that was what made her try to save that thing. At the cost of her own life."

"So you are basically accusing her of insanity instead," said Kanda, fed up with the whole situation. "How come there would be anything she could see that you… could not…"

He slowly stopped speaking, as those words triggered an understanding of things he already knew. Indeed, despite the absurdity of the whole story of the fight, the strangest of all facts had been Walker's actions. To beg to the enemy so the Akuma wouldn't be killed, to almost kill herself in order to save it – those actions had almost resulted in the loss of two exorcists, Lenalee and Walker herself.

"I see their souls."

The memory of Walker's whisper in what felt like a long time ago made his veins feel as if they had suddenly been filled with ice – very much like the first time she told him that secret, only now it meant so much more.

He felt weak with the revelation and the understanding. Yes, Walker had seen something Lenalee hadn't, indeed, and it was a soul. A human soul, a sight neither the Chinese girl, nor Kanda or anyone else would ever understand. The enemy ordered the Akuma to self destruct and Walker didn't see an enemy dying, but a person. That had to be it. That was why she tried to sacrifice herself to save it, and why she hated Lenalee for stopping her.

He would imagine an Akuma's destruction would free the soul trapped within but, for Walker's reaction to be that desperate, it meant that something much different would happen. Something awful, so horrible that it would make the white haired exorcist, who was very used to the darkness of this world, return to the ship looking haunted. He had expected it to be some sort of guilt for risking Lenalee's life for nothing, but it seemed the truth was far deeper than that.

And so was the trouble he had dug himself into. He had called the girl selfish and basically told her to leave the ship. Kanda knew he could never be called a caring man, but even he knew that was going too far.

Forget the talk - he would have to outright apologize.

"Kanda?"

"We will talk of this later," he said, now wanting to find Allen and settle things with her as soon as possible.

"Alright, but... where are Allen's things?"

He froze.

"What?" He demanded, ceasing his attempt to leave the cabin.

"Allen always has her things around when she's here, such as her bag, and Timcanpy, you know? If you haven't sent her on the mission, shouldn't those be here?"

He didn't know how to react to that statement. He had expected her room to be always this empty. Of course, the golem seemed to have a life of its own, and could have simply left to explore other parts of the ship.

Without answering Lenalee, he took two steps towards the wardrobe and opened it. One of the doors hit the wall with a loud crash. Some clean clothes were hanging there, and he could recognize them as Laboun's old hand-me-downs the Allen always dressed in. Nothing else was left there, however, and he knew something was wrong. Allen had a few personal items, not to mention her money and the documents the Minister had arranged for her recently. It didn't make sense for none of them to be here, if the had not left the ship.

He closed the wardrobe and turned towards Lenalee, who had grown pale with the realization he also just had.

"Go look for Laboun and Reed, and tell them to scrutinize the whole ship to find Walker," he said, with calm he didn't feel.

"You don't think…" she started, but the glare he threw at her made her stop. "Alright."

She departed, and he did the same, starting his search. It wouldn't take them long to explore the whole ship, but and he had the strong feeling Allen would be nowhere to be found.

To leave by herself without a warning, still damaged by her last fight – of all the reckless, insane things –

"We can't trust you," his own words reverberated inside his skull, taunting him. "You aren't fit to be in this ship."

Then again, he had given Allen her leave himself, hadn't he?

"Damn it all," he growled, starting his frantic search, but already thinking about what he would do should his fears come true.

::::::::::

Kanda's golem received a call, just as he scrutinized the last of the ship's rooms. It was with a tense command that he answered, closing the door of the storage room behind him, Walker nowhere to be found.

"Kanda, I finally got to you," said Lavi's voice, and his grave tone and lack of friendly greeting told the captain something wasn't right.

As if we didn't have enough problems as of now, he thought angrily, but answered Lavi, "what is it?"

"Listen. Allen has left the city during our absence. I was just talking to Minister Kamelot about it."

Kanda's trail of thoughts were thrown in a loop for a moment, but he continued his walk down the corridors. "What? Walker left? Kamelot?"

"I know it's strange, but I just got a call from him. He said she talked to Tyki Mikk, before leaving the city and returning to Rose Cross."

The Japanese man froze, stopping on his tracks.

"Explain it properly. Now."

"There is not much to say. Minister Kamelot said his brother found Allen walking by herself in an area distanced from the ship. They spent some time together, and she gave some indications that she wanted to leave our group. She said she was going to return to Rose Cross. Is she going to pay her respects? Though I understand her, it has been quite a while already… and she should have taken one of us with her, for her own safety. We wouldn't mind, right? They were her family. Honestly, it surprises me she didn't break apart when she got her news. Perhaps she's been in denial until now…"

Lavi trailed off, while Kanda desperately tried to calculate the magnitude of the complications this whole mess was about to bring. There was silence in both sides of the line. Unfortunately for the captain right now, Lavi was a smart man, and it didn't take long for the redhead to break the silence, his voice as serious as Kanda ever heard it.

"Kanda, listen. You did tell her about what happened, didn't you?"

Silence.

"Kanda."

"Nothing could have been done to save them. There was no need to distract her with the news."

"KANDA! I can't believe you!"

Lavi's furious shout made Kanda grateful the golem was not a telephone attached to his ear. He tried to keep himself from arguing with the redhead, however, as he knew the younger man was right.

Still, this wasn't the moment to fight.

"We don't have time for this," he said, but Lavi didn't stop his fierce berating. "Walker could be in danger! Set your priorities straight!"

That shut him up.

"Alright. What are we going to do?"

"Are you nearby?"

"Yeah, almost there. You are in the ship, right?"

"I am. Get the Innocence here as soon as possible. We are going to leave towards the location of Rose Cross. Any objections?"

"None. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

With that, the call was off. Kanda returned to the meeting room, waiting for everyone else to come back and readying himself to give them the news.

::::::::::

Lavi and Crowley hurriedly made their way back to the beach. The older man looked towards his companion worriedly.

"So… a tragedy has fallen upon Rose Cross?"

"Yeah," Lavi said, closing his eyes for a moment, his feelings anger and regret mixed altogether. "They were destroyed. I… thought everyone knew. You, too. I guess I never wanted to broach the subject because I didn't want to hurt Allen. She seems like the kind of person who cares deeply about family. So I guess that's why I never talked about it to anyone else. I wonder who else doesn't know."

"There is a good chance only you and Kanda knew," said Crowley honestly. "Lavi… if that is why she left, do you think we are going to see her again?"

Lavi's hands clenched for a while. He let out a breath, slowly, before expressing his honest opinion.

"I'd say we are. She should come back. She has no organization to go back to, and though she has a certain experience as an exorcist, it is far too dangerous to work alone. Very few of us do so nowadays, it is almost a death sentence, unless you are ridiculously strong."

"She could be angry at us, however."

"At Kanda and me, you mean. You and the others didn't know anything. And Kanda and I are going to team up to retrieve her… we are the worst team to do this, aren't we?"

Crowley said nothing to that. Then, "what if she doesn't want to come back?"

Lavi stared ahead, having the same thoughts. "She should come with us. If she thinks rationally, she will. If she doesn't… I don't know. If what Allen told us about herself is right, she has nowhere else to go. We can't in good conscience leave her by herself."

"But we can't force her."

"Yeah… we will deal with his problem when we get to it, though. And also tackle our communication problems. It is ridiculous that only Kanda and I knew of something as important as the disappearance of one of the greater exorcist organizations. We were negligent."

They reached the ship then, so Crowley said nothing more. Together, they sealed the Innocence back and went to the meeting room.

Everyone else was waiting. They all seemed troubled and were tired, in varying degrees, so Kanda must have told them at least part of what happened. Speaking of the Japanese man, it had been a while ever since Lavi had seen him looking so troubled. The man raised his gaze from his crossed arms when they came, and waited until they sat on the chairs that were left.

"We don't have time to lose, so I'll be brief. As you all know, Allen Walker has left our ship. As this is partially due to my own actions, I am going to take responsibility and bring her back. Lavi, who is well informed about the place she has gone to, is coming with me."

"Where did Allen go?" asked Lenalee, looking as if she had wanted to ask this question for a long time.

"Rose Cross," said Kanda. "Lavi, I've already arranged for our provisions. This travel is usually about three days long, but I expect us to make it in a much shorter time. If you need anything else gather it, because we are leaving now."

"I have what I need," said Lavi, getting up from his seat mere seconds after sitting.

"Good. Lenalee, as the senior member who's left in the ship, you are to take command until I come back. Despite everything that has been happening, I expect you to keep a level head. Do you understand?"

Lenalee, who until them seemed too worried to act, bit her lip and nodded. There was determination in her eyes.

"Send someone to fetch your brother. Everyone stays here and waits for us, unless you see the need to depart and, in such a case, communicate with us immediately."

"Wait," said Suman Dark, "Forgive me, but everyone seems very troubled about this situation. If Allen has returned home, however, is there truly a problem? Her organization is powerful and, according to her own words, it was only one of the members who had insisted she left. Surely there is nothing too bad about her returning to her place of origin?"

Crowley looked down towards his lap, not feeling like clarifying anything right now. The others, however, seemed to share Suman's opinion.

"It was great having her here and we would like her to stay, but if she prefers to return home, that is her right," said Reed. The man had known Allen had been left by herself, and understood the girl had decided to return to the safety of her home. The travel would be dangerous, but staying alone in a known exorcist ship could be even worse.

Kanda pinched the bridge of his nose. He then threw a key in Lenalee's direction. The woman picked it, recognizing the pattern and staring towards him in surprise.

"There is a yellow folder inside one of my drawers. Look for the page under letter R. It shows Rose Cross. You will understand. Lavi, enough dawdling. Let's go. We can't lose another exorcist."

The room grew somber as everyone started understanding how grave the situation was, even if they couldn't understand why. They suddenly worried more for the white haired girl, who had been in such a poor state the last time they had seen her.

"Well," said Lenalee, getting up, eyes tired but resolute. "Let us see what Kanda was talking about."

::::::::::

Allen was not a superstitious person. Sometimes, however, terrible events happened one after another in an unending chain, in a way that made her question whether she had been cursed with bad luck by one of the Akuma she fought against.

Less than a week ago, she saw a soul being destroyed irreparably for the first time, and was then stopped by one of her own allies from saving it. Later they fought, and she was clearly abandoned by the new group she had just started becoming a part of. Then she found Tyki and enjoyed his company, finally finding some sort of respite, only to…

Only to…

She dragged weary limbs as she made her way through the forest. What had started as a travel that had been as fast as her parasitic Innocence would allow was interrupted by an attack by Akuma as she made her way back home. That should not have been surprising, and she should have dealt with it easily. However, the fact that she had been travelling with her Innocence fully activated only served to gather the attention of many of the monsters. When they approached her, she felt her energy wane, due to the arduous run she had forced herself into and her lack of sustenance for who knows how long.

Her body was strong and could recuperate fast, but it also demanded great amounts of food and rest in exchange. She had given it neither, and that battle ended in her victory both due to her desperation, battle ability, and sheer luck.

Now, bleeding from wounds her exhausted Innocence healed sluggishly and fighting the darkness that creeped over her peripheral vision, Allen understood more than ever that she had been horribly careless and stupid. If this world was one where a person could travel by themselves, without any sort of provisions on their back, it would be an easy place to live in indeed. In her haste to get home and know the truth as soon as possible, she had forgotten all common sense and almost gotten herself killed. Still could get herself killed, actually. If another enemy accosted her, she knew she would be done for.

Her rush made her who knows how many days late.

Still, with every ounce of strength, she marched onwards. Rose Cross… her family. Her safe harbor. No matter how many dangerous tasks they sent her to, she would always feel the safest when working under them. She couldn't imagine the strong building that housed her, the wonderful people who had been by her side for so many years, were… gone.

She had to know. Had to. Tyki was a civilian. A fun person, a good hearted one, but what business did he have knowing about the fate of secretive exorcist organizations? He must have heard it wrong, and transmitted the wrong message to her. Really, it made no sense, she told herself, avoiding obstacles as she made her way. Yes, no sense at all, she decided firmly, forcing a weak smile to bloom on her face. Should Rose Cross be destroyed, Kanda would be the first to tell her. The dour man would have no reason to spare her feelings. He would rather trample on them, she thought bitterly. Tyki couldn't have known what he had been talking about.

As her body protested more and more, as her pace grew slower and she had to stop more in order to catch her breath, she kept repeating this mantra to herself in order to keep her strength. Everything would be fine. She was almost reaching home. The security would likely intercept her, unrecognizable as she was, but after they noticed it was Allen… they would surely open the large metal doors and allow her entrance. She would meet everyone, she would embrace them, say she missed them, that it wasn't her intention to stay away. That everything was Cross' fault. Then she would embrace the man for good measure.

Noticing she actually thought, in all seriousness, to give Cross a hug, she started laughing breathlessly, and felt a tear fall from her eye.

I must be growing insane indeed.

The strange thing was, right where she expected to start seeing the grey of the large walls, there was nothing but more trees. They seemed sparse and misplaced. Her heart clenched. Did she mistake the localization? After so many years going back and forth towards the fortress, could she have simply forgotten her way and gone to a completely different place? Cursing herself, she forced her legs to continue yet one more time. Her body wouldn't stand yet another travel, for God knew how many hundreds of kilometers. She couldn't have made a mistake… she couldn't –

She didn't.

Her knees felt weak and she fell to the ground ungracefully, struggling to keep her upper body straight with the aid of her arms. The vision of an enormous hole, a crater, that consumed the ground for almost as far as her eyes could see, filled her vision, before everything was blurred to unrecognizable shapes by the tears that started to fall uncontrollably.

"I doubt there is anything good for you remaining in that crater."

This hole in the ground, filled with rubble… was it all that was left of her family? She thought about every exorcist who tutored her and who she fought together with, thought of every member of the organization who would do their very best to help her, so many people she would give her life away in order to keep safe. She thought of everyone, from the most serious ones to those who were overly affectionate, and no matter what side of the spectrum they lay in, there was not a single person there who hadn't cared about their organization, about them all. About her.

With the forceful acceptation of the reality she now found herself in, recent memories came back to the forefront of her mind, once buried by the tension she had been going through the past days, but now vivid and clear and painful.

"I can find my way back to Rose Cross."

"They aren't going to take you back."

Kanda…

"Tell me if you recognize this place."

A black and white picture inside a yellow folder. A giant crater circled by trees, all small in comparison.

"No, I don't recognize this place."

Kanda showed her the picture of her destroyed home! And she hadn't recognized it. But he didn't say anything – why?

"Your organization has been destroyed a few days after you joined Kanda's group," she remembered Tyki's words, remembered his eyes that were so full of worry. "Sheril told your friends so. I had expected you would have known by now."

Kanda had definitely known.

Her 'friends', indeed.

Where had she been, when death fell upon them all? Had she been laughing? Had she been working, sleeping, playing a game, living peacefully, ignorantly, while the enemy destroyed everyone she held dear?

Were their bodies really buried inside this ugly place? Were really their abilities, dreams and hopes been entombed here forever? She thought of Klaud and of Tiedol, of Jerry and Johnny, of Link and Madarao and Cross and -

The thought of Cross made her finally fall, her forehead touching the broken floor painfully. Cross had been the one to find her as a child, to take her in. He was the rude man who never let her rest, who treated her unfairly and made rude jokes, who overworked her and made her pay his debts. She had often told herself she hated him, always complained about his troublesome presence and rude behavior. Now, however, she couldn't summon any negativity towards the man. Allen wanted him right now by her side, even if just to mock her crying form, grab her rudely by a hurt arm and force her up. But the tall man, her mentor, was likely also buried below the rubble, his broken body left to…

Something made her despairing trail of thoughts stop.

Immediately, she knew what it was.

The very idea of a dead Cross, gone all of a sudden, not to finish the most important mission of his life, not saving the organization, but simply gone, for no reason –

It did not sit well with her.

"You aren't dead," she spoke to no one in a small voice, but there was strength in that soft declaration.

Cross had always been ridiculously strong. The other members of the organization, specially the other Generals, were also powerhouses on their own, but Cross – he contradicted nature. He was a master of magic, of science, and an exorcist on top, with two Innocence. Allen had seen him rise again and again after impossible odds, learned to never mourn his death because it never happened. It was one of the few things she had always believed her whole life – Cross Marian's strength.

Yes… Cross was alive.

And despite his questionable ways, he wouldn't let the others die, either. If Cross was alive, then so were the others.

She would find them.

She didn't know how long she spent there, trying to rest, trying not to look towards the broken pieces of walls, of furniture, of equipment. Then, with the few last remnants of strength she had in her body, Allen resumed her walk, this time looking for the closest city nearby, one she had visited so many times. She abandoned the place where Rose Cross had been built in with no regrets.

Her family wasn't there, so it wasn't home anymore.