Chapter 18 (March 6, 1 ABY)
Cassian had spent the majority of his life serving the Alliance in some capacity. He was used to long hours and exhausting work, but he had to admit that it was that little bit easier when he was part of a team. When he flagged, someone else picked up the slack and vice versa.
He had never given any thought to it when he stepped into Melshi's shoes. Melshi was down and he was the best able to fill that role. So, while Melshi recuperated on the medical frigate, the team continued to run missions. Losing a soldier, even temporarily, didn't mean the work could be suspended as well.
Though missions for SpecOps was different from what he had done in Intelligence, it had its own stresses. It wasn't long before those stresses added to his existing ones, and had him awake long hours. Everyone was tired; he knew that. Whether for that reason or something else, he avoided letting them know how little he was sleeping. In particular, he knew it would concern Jyn and spur her to action.
It was too much to hope that she wouldn't notice, but the wearier he became, the more adamant he was that he not be coddled. Melshi was sidelined; he needed to step up to that responsibility. He couldn't afford to be cowering in his bunk from nightmares, or drugged into a dreamless sleep. He could manage. He had done it many times before.
Which was a fine decision for him to make, except that Jyn was far too apt to take matters into her own hands when she decided he needed it.
Most of the crew had gone to bed hours ago, but he had kept busy, kept moving. The ship was in order, he had just checked on K-2 in the cockpit, so it was looking like reading and writing reports would have to be what occupied him for the next several hours. If he loitered too long near K, word was sure to get to Jyn about it.
It was a good plan, until Jyn suddenly appeared, arms crossed and looking determined. They were too near the cockpit; if K-2 overheard their conversation then he'd also have to deal with that later. He didn't hold out much hope it would work, but he attempted deflection. "I thought you'd gone to bed when everyone else did. You should rest while you can. These next two missions will be tiring."
If she'd heard what he said, she completely ignored it.
With a sigh of frustration, she said, "Cassian, look, I know you're not sleeping again. You can't keep going like this. Come on, I have more of that sleep aid. You can get a good night's sleep." She tugged on his arm, trying to nudge him toward his cabin.
"Look, Jyn, I appreciate that you mean well, but I don't want to get in the habit of using drugs to induce sleep. I'll…I'll manage on my own."
"But, Cassian—"
"No!" He jerked his arm away and raised his hands, taking a step back from her. "You can't fix everything, Jyn. Just…just stop trying. Go help someone else for a while." He turned on his heel and stalked away toward the back of the ship.
Jyn swallowed hard, watching him go as tears welled in her eyes. She had been right all along – she wasn't meant to nurture anyone. She had pushed too hard and now she had made things worse, just as she feared. Why had she ever thought she was good enough to help anyone? Abruptly she wheeled toward the training room. She needed a work out.
A couple of minutes later, Chirrut appeared from the darkened team hold, his brow knit with concern. The children just didn't seem able to put their pasts behind them and be their best selves, especially with each other. With a sigh, he moved quickly to his quarters.
He heard Baze's soft snores. It was a shame to wake him, but Chirrut felt sure he was the best one to talk to Jyn. Cassian…well, perhaps the Captain needed a chance to calm down and realize what he had done.
"Baze." There was no answer, so he tried again, giving his shoulder a shake. "Baze."
With a groan, Baze rolled over to peer at him in the darkness. "What?"
"Jyn needs you."
"What? Now? It's the middle of the night. Did she have a nightmare?"
"No, she and Captain Andor quarreled. I think she pressed too hard and he balked, sharply. You know her too well to think that didn't bruise her feelings. I am sure she is feeling inadequate just now and needs some guidance."
Baze rubbed at his face. Tired as he was, and much as he wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, he also knew Chirrut too well. He wouldn't be waking him if the need were not great. "Fine." He shoved to his feet with a grunt. "Where is she? In her cabin?"
"I believe she has gone to the training room, to work off her frustration and hurt."
"Mmmm."
He could hear her before he could see her. She hadn't turned up the lights, but he could hear the frenetic punches to the bag. If he wasn't mistaken, he could also detect her stifled sobs.
"Is it helping?" he asked quietly, and the noise stopped.
"Not really." Her voice was ragged and watery, but she revealed little else.
He moved into the room and went to stand beside her. After a moment, he put a hand on her shoulder. "Let's sit down, little sister. We need to talk."
"Says who?"
"Chirrut. He may be an old fool, but he's usually right. Come, sit."
He was a little surprised that she actually obeyed him. The lighting along the wall was enough for him to get a glimpse of her hands. He took one into his own to examine it more closely. "You're going to regret this tomorrow." She hadn't bothered taping her hands and now the knuckles were bleeding. Probably would be bruised, too, come morning.
"I already regret it," she muttered softly.
He gave a soft grunt of acknowledgement as he rose to get the medpac.
"I always drive people away. I used to think they simply chose to go and I didn't matter at all, but now I think they just got tired of me. I wasn't good enough for them to want me around. I always mess things up."
He returned with the medkit, and as he worked, he said, "None of that is true. Whatever reason people have for leaving without you, that's their problem. It isn't your fault. You mean well. The people who left knew it, and so does he. And this is about him, isn't it? Not all that came before. You have to remember that sometimes he is going to need to work through things on his own. You can't shoulder all of his burden, or remove it from him entirely. It is never going to go away completely."
"How do I tell? When to push and when to step back? Until now, when I've pressed him it has worked out well. Why was this time different? Why did it make him angry with me?"
"I don't know the answer to that. I'm not sure he does either." He finished cleaning her hands and wrapped a bandage around each of them. "Think about if it were you. What do you do when people push you too hard toward doing something that you're not sure you can or want to do?"
"I…run," she admitted. "At least, I used to."
Baze nodded. "So does he, even if it is only in the confines of this ship. You have to keep in mind that he feels unworthy of your friendship and concern. He believes every moment of suffering he endures is just part of his penance. He doesn't think he deserves to be forgiven or have that pain eased. Sometimes it all becomes too much."
She played with the bandages, then nodded. "I guess I can understand that. I'm the same, sort of. I've got a lot of things in my past that I'm not proud of. But…but what do I do? How do I help? Surely leaving him all alone isn't the answer."
Baze set aside the medpac and leaned against the wall beside her. "Most of the time, probably not, but sometimes you'll have to step back and try again later. Sometimes he won't be ready or able to hear what you are saying."
Jyn wrapped her arms around his left arm and pillowed her head against him. "Thanks, Baze."
He patted her arm. "I know it hurts, a lot. And maybe a workout will help at those times, but just don't let it stop you from doing what you know is right. He needs us to stand up to his demons when he isn't able to do it himself."
She swiped at her eyes and then at her runny nose. "Thanks."
"Come on," he said, rising and pulling her up with him. "We both need sleep. Things will look better in the morning. If they don't, we'll send Chirrut after him."
She favored him with a wan smile. He was grateful for it; he hadn't expected to pull even that much from her.
xxxxx (March 18, 1 ABY)
Cassian kept to his cabin the next day until it was time for the mission briefing. It did not go unnoticed by the team any more than Jyn's evident tension. But noticing and being able to help were two very different things. Just as Bodhi started to approach her, Baze caught his eye and warned him away. He was reluctant to not do anything, but he trusted Baze. The Guardian wouldn't stop him if he didn't think it for the best. Maybe later would be better. Maybe after the mission when there was more time.
They were an hour out when Cassian put in appearance for the briefing, though he left immediately afterwards. During the entire briefing, he never looked directly at Jyn, even when detailing her role. Her eyes followed him as he left, but she was quickly on her feet to go after him. Instead of returning to his cabin, he was headed to the back of the ship; perhaps all the better.
For a moment, she thought he was going to talk to K-2, still recharging, but to her relief, he turned toward the empty cargo hold. She trailed behind him, but halted near the doorway. "Cassian?"
He was silent so long, she thought he might not answer. Finally he replied, "Yes?" His tone was flat, not at all encouraging, but she pressed on anyway. She wanted to clear the air between them.
"I'm…I'm sorry I was too pushy. I just really wanted to help, and I forgot that you should have the right to choose." She kept her eyes focused on the fastener of her vest rather than look at him.
"Jyn…"
Moving closer, she raised a hand to forestall his speaking. "It's…it's just…well, sometimes you seem reluctant to accept help when you need it, and when I've insisted before, it seemed to be okay and to help a little… Well, anyway, I'm sorry. And…and I'll try not to be too bossy again."
"I want you to be…bossy." He rubbed the back of his neck, then murmured dejectedly, "I don't know why you waste your time on me."
She shoved her hands in her pockets and shrugged, not looking directly at him. "I don't feel like it's time wasted, not if it helps you."
He pressed his fingertips to his eyelids. "How did we get here?" he muttered. Letting out a slow breath, he told her, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I did know you were trying to help. Just, sometimes I can't…" He shrugged, unable to explain.
After a moment, Jyn nodded and turned away.
"Please don't stop," he entreated softly.
She turned her head slightly to say over her shoulder, "I won't." With that she again moved toward the door.
"Jyn…wait." His voice was stronger, more determined.
"Yeah?" She turned back, looking somewhat surprised that their conversation wasn't finished.
"What…what do you want to do about…this?"
Her brow knit. "About what, Cassian?"
"Well, about us, if there even is an 'us'. The entire team believes there is. Melshi says he's known since before Scarif." He hesitated, then said more quietly, "At one time, I thought so, too."
"But now you don't?"
Her arms slowly wrapped around her middle. He recognized the defensive actions: seeking physical protection, answering a question with a new question. He needed to speak quickly or she'd retreat behind her walls and shut him out.
"I don't know. I…I want there to be…something. Everything else sort of overshadowed whatever was maybe there – my long recovery, being separated." He blew out a breath. "I convinced myself that probably it was for the best, that neither of us would want to get so attached to someone who might easily be taken from us. So I stopped thinking about it. Mostly. But it keeps circling back to that. And if the team is right, there's still something there, even if we have chosen to…ignore it."
He hadn't meant to say that much, to expose himself that much, but if he couldn't trust Jyn then he couldn't trust anyone. And he did want this resolved. One way or another, he wanted to know rather than just guess.
At least her arms had relaxed back to her sides, but she kept her gaze turned away. "You were so different after Scarif. Not at first, right after you awoke, but after a while I saw you going back to what you had been doing before. I…knew that was partly Draven's doing, but I thought…thought maybe you regretted your lapse, and were trying to get back to what you had been before you met me."
"The only thing I regret since they pulled you off Wobani is my part in your father's death. But I could never regret you, regret what you brought into my life." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm good at what I do, what I did, Jyn. But, this? I've got no experience with this." He gestured between the two of them.
"And you think I do?" She raised a surprised eyebrow.
"No," he admitted ruefully. "Neither of us, neither of us ever had the chance to worry about…about love and romance and all that. For us, the only thing of importance each day was survival. Only, now, I'm thinking that no longer is enough, doesn't have to be all there is. We still need to survive, and we're caught up in a war, but maybe…maybe we can find a little happiness, before whatever end comes for either of us."
"Maybe find it together?" she asked cautiously.
He nodded, looking hopefully up at her through his lashes.
A smile tweaked her mouth. "I think I'd like that. A lot."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
She reached for his hand, and he finally allowed a grin to break through. "Good. That's good."
"You two are pathetic." Baze's deep voice rumbled from the shadows behind Jyn and they both jumped. "Just kiss, already. You are long past tentative hand holding." He snickered and walked away.
"I'm not sure I trust him as a reliable source of guidance in these matters, but, yeah, a kiss sounds…good?" Cassian eyed her carefully for a reaction.
"Yeah. We can do that." Jyn went up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his. She drew back as she slipped her arms around his neck. "We can definitely do that."
Cassian pulled her back to him. After several pleasurable minutes, they settled for merely holding one another. At length, Jyn observed, "It's strange. On Scarif, when death was near, everything seemed so clear."
He nodded. "And then when we survived, it no longer was."
It wasn't the most opportune moment for their reconciliation. Duty still called, and they had to turn their focus to the pending mission. The easing of tension, however, was a relief to the entire team as they geared up.
xxx
Jyn and Cassian were the first ones to the hold the next morning, but Bodhi arrived soon after. On seeing them, he grinned broadly and went to sit by Jyn.
"So, you two talked, and you're together now? That's great to hear."
At her look of consternation, he stumbled. "Uh, is that not so? That's what Baze said…"
"Well…" Jyn looked at Cassian and faltered, then asked, "You think it's great? Both of us have lost so many people important to us…" She twisted her hands together. "It just makes me kind of worried to care about people too much, you know?"
"Jyn, I get it. I do. I've lost a lot of people, too. But you can't think like that. Sure, we don't want to lose someone who is special to us, but the important thing isn't that they're lost – everyone will die eventually anyway. The important thing is the time you get to spend with them until that happens. My family's gone, too, and I miss them a lot, but I have such wonderful memories. I know you guys maybe missed out on that, losing your families when you were so young, but now you both have a new family. You could cut yourself off from caring about people so you won't get hurt, but I think it's much better to just enjoy whatever time you get with them and build as many good memories as you can."
He eyed them both sheepishly. "Well, that's what I think, anyway. I know not everyone would agree."
Jyn reached an arm around him and laid her head against his shoulder. "No, you're right, Bodhi. I've spent most of my life running from that kind of pain and not letting anyone get close. But I think yours is a better way to live. I'd rather enjoy my time with Cassian and the rest of the team than to shut you all out in order to avoid possible pain later."
"Thanks, Bodhi." Cassian gave him a warm smile also, engendering a blush of embarrassment.
xxxxx (April 24, 1 ABY)
It was over a month before Melshi was allowed to return to duty with them. He had been fortunate that the damage done by the knife was not overly extensive, but it had taken considerable time to recover and regain full utility of all his body parts. His stamina still needed work, but the doctor had assured him that would only come with time.
His physical disability had not hampered his staying current on events throughout the Alliance, and he returned ready to get back to work. If he was surprised by the change in status between Cassian and Jyn, he did not remark on it.
It amused Baze to observe the pair as they navigated the waters of this relationship. When he had first met them on Jedha, neither had been particularly demonstrative people. Even as it became evident that the two of them were developing feelings for one another, they had been reticent about any public displays of warmth or intimacy. A slight touch of hands or quick clasp of an arm was all they had allowed themselves. That didn't change now, despite the certainty of their affections.
With the team, Jyn had been easy and relaxed with an embrace or touch, but never so with the Captain, and that did not change appreciably now. The most they seemed to allow themselves was to sit close together, with an arm or leg lightly pressed against the other. Ah, well, if that's what they were comfortable with, so be it. Maybe eventually they would lose the timidity.
And so life on their ship resumed with the team reunited. In some ways, Melshi's absence had helped ease Captain Andor fully into their routine. Always before he had hovered on the fringes. Having to step in while Melshi was gone better integrated him into the group. Even once Melshi was back, he took a more active role than before. There were still nightmares, for the Captain and others, but the family feel seemed to help all of them suffer less than they otherwise might.
Even the person Baze had thought least likely to have trauma-induced sleep problems – Bodhi – was not exempt.
"Bodhi? You're still up?"
"Oh, hey Cassian. Yeah…I…I couldn't sleep." He fidgeted nervously in the doorway, not moving farther into the hold.
Cassian set aside his datapad and sat up straight. "Nightmares or just insomnia?"
"Uh, well, yeah…nightmares, I guess."
Cassian tilted his head to motion the man to come sit, and after a brief pause he did, blowing out an unsteady breath.
"You're not alone. Probably most, if not everyone, on this ship has nightmares. At the very least, Jyn and I do also. Things can happen in life to cause them, but in war…well, it's almost guaranteed to happen."
Bodhi's tension eased slightly. "Yeah, I suppose so. Probably others have better reason than me—"
"No." Cassian cut him off. "Your reasons are no more trivial than anyone else's. Trauma is trauma. Some may have suffered more, but that doesn't mean any of it is trivial."
"I always kind of thought nightmares resulted from something that was happening to you, like right now or recently. But…well, mostly I think about when I was a prisoner of Saw."
Cassian nodded slightly in understanding. Jyn had mentioned Bor Gullet and how Saw used it for torture. "Nightmares and anxiety attacks often are related to memories, not things that are presently happening. Jyn says it is supposed to help to keep your mind more focused on the present and not to dwell on the past. Keep your mind engaged with here and now. Doing enjoyable activities to shift your focus. I guess the doctors told her that."
"Learning stuff seems to help distract me from…thinking about the past. When…when I was with the Empire, they always acted like I didn't measure up, that I was stupid and couldn't do much of anything very well. I wasn't good enough to be a fighter pilot, and I barely scraped by to be a shuttle pilot. But since I've been with you guys I've learned new things and I'm not sure I'm as bad as they said."
"You aren't. On…Scarif, even though it was mostly your first time in a battle situation, you rose to every occasion. When we needed to land, you got us through the security check. When we needed a message sent to the fleet, you made sure it got done. And when they blew up our ship, you went and found another one, rescued six people and saved us from the Death Star's blast. That's hardly incompetent. Maybe…maybe they just intimidated you too much for you to concentrate on the work. Maybe they made you fail by their actions."
"Yeah, maybe. I could see that. They always hovered over you, looking disapproving of everything. It made it hard to concentrate. Even when you weren't in training, you always felt like the people around you might stab you in the back at any given moment, just so they could get ahead."
They were both silent for several minutes. Then Bodhi added, "Actually, now, I like learning new things. I mean, I may not be all that good at them, but I like learning. And it's easier when Tonc or Jyn is showing me something than it was when the Empire was doing it."
Cassian raised an eyebrow. "You forget, I've seen you train with Jyn. Your biggest problem in defending yourself is your lack of confidence. Instead of taking the initiative and following through, you back off, almost before the other person can block you. But you already told us you managed to use one of Jyn's moves to take down a stormtrooper. Trust me, Bodhi, those guys are not easy to fight hand to hand. Likely you had no choice but to attack in order to defend yourself, and didn't second-guess your moves. Tonc says you're getting good with a blaster, too. Once you start trusting us when we say you are doing well at something, you'll probably do even better."
"I was thinking maybe I'd ask Baze to teach me that massage thing he does. That would be good to know." He grinned and canted a sly glance at Cassian. "And maybe I can talk you into teaching me to cook…"
"Absolutely. I'd be happy to teach you. I can get Jyn to keep me company sometimes, when I cook, but she isn't much use in food preparation. She probably could be, but so far I don't think she's developed enough interest to bother learning." He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Maybe between you, Baze and Chirrut, you can come up with some Jedha recipes for us to try."
"Yeah, I'd like that." He dipped his head, then smiled at the captain. "Thanks, Cassian. For, you know, everything. This helped. Maybe now I can get a little sleep."
Cassian scooped up his datapad. "I probably should turn in myself. Thanks for getting me away from the work for a while."
To be continued…
invented characters:
Sergeant Daster – head of the tech shop on the tech frigate
Dr Lesorid – kind doctor caring for Cassian
Isk-Gun Jul – bounty hunter
All other characters actually are taken from the existing Star Wars universe.