I am stuck, so I am fixing my old chapters, hopefully they will be better now. Buuut... I still have problems with past/present tenses, so sorry for that.
Beta: OTrizy.
Quote: "The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance." - Brian Tracy.
It was a cold day. Winter was already at the doorsteps and all town people restlessly awaited its arrival.
Streets were crowded with thickly clothed people. They were hastily moving through narrow sidewalks, not looking at each other even if they bumped into someone.
With everyone only focusing on reaching their destinations, nobody paid attention to a lightly dressed child expertly weaving its way through the mass of moving bodies. The child couldn't have been older than ten years and with the way she was dressed (plain blue faded out hoodie, worn out black trousers and boots that were so overused that toes were sticking out), more observant onlooker would be appalled by the thought that some parents would let their child go out into the cold so lightly dressed.
But alas nobody took time to slow down and actually observe what was happening around them.
The young girl had an unreadable expression on her face. Her small fists tightly clenched at her sides and puffs of cold air escaping her mouth as she continued her run, most of time avoiding being trampled by rushing people just in a nick of time.
After few minutes she finally escaped the crowd and made her way into a rarely visited park at outskirts of the town. She stopped next to small, withered bench its once beautiful black color was now chipped and faded. She put her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath after the mad dash, her breathing frantic as she tried to get in enough air.
Once her breathing calmed down, she stiffened and stayed in her position for a few more seconds. Then she abruptly straightened and moved her hands into her mane of hair and proceeded to roughly pull at her dirty blond strands as she started to scream at the darkening sky. Her yell frustrated and bitter.
However the shout won't be enough to calm her down. She snapped her mouth shut and with gritted teeth walked over the old bench and started to kick into its wood.
"Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" she commenced her yelling anew. It started to resemble word now. Swearing word but a word nonetheless. Angry tears were going down her face as she continued to mutilate the object in front of her.
"Stop it!"
Weak but determined shout got her to pause and she slowly turned her head around to look at a culprit. Her eyes landed on a small child dressed in a pale blue coat, green jeans, dark boots and neon green hat. His clothes looked new and clean. Star contrast with the worn out and dirty clothes of the girl. She immediately noticed that fact and something flashed in her eyes before it vanished, replaced by the enraged look from before.
"What was that?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, daring him to repeat his words.
"I-I…" he stammered out, clearly intimidated by her glare. Then he took a deep breath and nodded to himself, then he cleared his throat and spoke again.
"I said stop it! Destroying things is bad!"
She looked startled for a moment, not a lot of kids could stand being stared down by her. Nonetheless, she recovered soon and smile appeared on her face. It wasn't nice smile though; it was a snide smirk that clearly showed her amusement at his words.
"Oh? Aren't you just the cutest little boy? And what would you do if I didn't stop? Would you tell your mommy?"
He spluttered, not expecting her response. He looked lost for a few seconds as if he was searching for words and being unable to find them. In the end, he squeezed his eyes and yelled assuredly at her.
"I am not a little boy! I am already nine years old... And and... I will not go to my mama! I will deal with you on my own! Daddy always says that men are supposed to be brave and that they solve their problems themselves, without help! So! So...!" he trailed off.
Curious about what he had to say the girl decided to turn around fully.
'How amusing... Does he plan to fight with me? Judging from his weak-looking appearance he has never fought before. It will be fun to destroy his confidence.'
Spreading her legs apart and firmly placing them into the ready position she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him with confident smirk, daring him to continue his sentence. She quite enjoyed the way blood drained from his face and his expression turned into the "oh shit" one.
"Sooo?"
He stiffened as he tried to come up with something. He tried to ignore the scary smile on the girl's face as he thought about his next move. His gaze fell on the mutilated bench and his determination came back full force.
"So I will occupy you! And you will not have time to do bad things!"
"...What? Occupy me?" His answer threw her for a loop and she blinked few times to collect herself. What did he mean by "occupying"?
"Yeah! I will play with you!"
"...Play?" This time she was the one sounding lost as if she didn't quite know what that word meant. Her eyes reflecting her confusion as she stared at the small boy before her.
The boy didn't say anything because he noticed a lapse in her defense. He seized the opportunity and grabbed her hand. Before she could fully comprehend what was happening he dashed away, her hand held in his in an iron-like grip forcing her to stumble after him.
"O-Oy! Let go! Let go of me, you stupid brat!" Finally collecting her wits, she started to shake her trapped hand and yell at the boy who was pulling her away.
"No way! If I did that you would just run away to destroy things again!" he shouted back sounding happy with himself and with his logic.
Her frown and glare intensified at his words.
"You little... Are you mental?! Leave me the fuck alone!"
"Don't speak like that! Mama told me that we should be polite to others and not use bad words!" He turned briefly to 'glare' at her but it came out more like a pout.
She narrowed her eyes at him and dug her boots into a ground. Thanks to this action, she managed to stop the boy but at a cost of unbalancing herself. Not having anything to stop her fall, she fell right onto the muddy ground.
For a few second she just laid there, looking at a dead grass in front of her, her clothes now even dirtier than before.
What brought her out of her frozen state was a sound of laughter coming to her right. When she searched for a source of it, she found it in the form of that boy holding his stomach and laughing his head off.
Humiliated and stunned, she felt her ears becoming hot in embarrassment. Before he could notice and comment on it, she changed her embarrassment into fury. Slowly, very slowly she stood up and faced the boy, her muddy hair shadowing her expression.
The boy as if feeling his impending doom, stopped his laughter and peeked nervously at the girl in front of him. When he saw her standing there and looking murderous, he started to sweat and frantically wave his hands. He then commenced a tactical retreat and tried to talk himself out of trouble.
"I-I-I am sorry for laughing! I wasn't laughing at you... s-see that bird over there? Haha! What a funny b-"
His poor attempt didn't fool the girl even for a moment; instead it seemed to anger her even more as she started to near him.
"I'll murder you."
"Aaaaaaa! Please don't kill meeeee!"
/
Somehow the boy managed to not get caught for a considerable amount of time and by the time she did catch him a frantic run for life turned into a game of catch.
They both lied on the cold ground, exhausted by their long run and gulping large amounts of air into their abused lungs.
"You *breath* shitty brat. *breath* How the fuck *breath* did you *breath* eluded me for *breath* so long."
The first to speak was the girl. Her words were broken apart because she needed to get in more air but her voice still had its edge even when she was exhausted. Although her words were supposed to sound angry, they were more curious and impressed. She was a fast runner and had quite a stamina, the kid had more in himself than she first thought.
"Luck?" He sounded quite amazed and surprised at his feat too. It seemed that he didn't think that he would last for so long either. What can a little bit of fear do to people indeed. She snorted.
Finally catching her breath she stood up and tried to dust her clothes, but after seeing their full state, she gave up on that. Instead she looked at the kid still laying on the ground. She moved to stand next to him and just looked at his form with an unreadable face. He apprehensively stared back at her and when she suddenly moved, he flinched. However she only extended her hand towards him, offering help.
He looked at it dumbfounded, but then he hesitantly reached for it clearly afraid of trick. She snorted again and pulled him up. Once done with that she turned her back on him and started to go away.
"Wa-wait!"
Before she could walk more than three steps away his voice stopped her. She twisted around to face him again her face set in an agitated expression.
"What."
"I, I just wanted to tell you that you're not that bad. I thought you were super scary and mean, but you are actually okay!"
"...Thanks?"
"So, what's your name anyway?! Oh! I didn't tell you to mine either, eh? Hehe… sorry! My name is Theodore! But friends call me Theo, so call me that too, okay?"
She blinked several times and then zeroed her sight on his face to see if he was making fun of her. But the only thing that she saw were earnest eyes and blinding smile. The smile made her insides squirm, but in a pleasant way. She furrowed her forehead in thought as she processed all the things he said. Friends? When did they become friends?
„Don't just decide that on your own..." she mumbled quietly.
„Huh? Sorry? I didn't quite hear that."
"It was nothing... I guess I can tell you my name. It's..."
I woke up before the girl in my dream could finish her sentence. After that, I just laid in my crib, processing my dream. It was weird to have a good dream for once and not a nightmare.
In the last few weeks all I dreamed about was either Theo's death, our big fight, my death and... then there were the mixed ones. The were probably the worst ones, deformed as they were. I couldn't distinguish between what really happened and what my mind constructed. Past and present were fusing into each other and I always woke up disoriented. What was in past, what is present. What is illusion, what is real?
This time my dream was a memory of the time I met Theodore. Sure, it wasn't the greatest meeting ever I was angry little shit, still I am most of time to be honest. But I quite liked how we met, it has its charm I suppose. And, it wouldn't be possible to happen any other way anyway, our lives were too different.
This memory dream has another significance, besides the meeting, however. It was the moment where I was pulling him up. It was first and at the same time last time it happened this way. Other times our roles were reversed and I was the one on the ground, lazing around on the ground after beating some annoying pests.
With a tired sigh I clutched side-bars of my crib and with tremendous effort, I heaved my very uncooperative body up and into seated position. From this position, I had a good view of the other crib. My sight was now up to par thus I didn't have a problem to see the other occupant of the room.
My eyes landed on the form of my peacefully sleeping brother. As I gazed at his dozing face, carefully studying his relaxed expression, my mind decided to play tricks on me, changing the peaceful image. Now the short green curls were replaced with dark brown hair, just a little longer than those green ones. Face sharpened and stretched, all baby fat disappearing to form a new, older face.
I recognized those features. I knew what my mind was trying to do but I refused it. I averted my eyes from my twin and instead looked through the window of our room. The branches of the tree that was next to our house were moving slightly and I let my mind wander.
I couldn't do this to my brother. I couldn't expect him to be the exact replica of Theo when the two of them were entirely different people (but they were so similar, so similar, that it hurt...). I wanted to live in denial and just believe that Izuku was Theo, but... but... it wouldn't be fair. Not to my best friend who stayed with me even though others were trying to persuade him that I was bad news. Not to my little brother that I still didn't know enough, but who I started to love the moment I saw his smile. I can't just replace Theo, I can't just discard my twin's own persona.
'They aren't the same person.' I repeated and repeated that sentence in my head until I was sure it was enough (it still wasn't enough, probably will not be for a long time, but it was a start). Then I turned around to look at my brother again and felt relieved when I was greeted with a sight of sleepy green eyes instead of brown ones. My tricky mind delusions lost the fight for now.
Wind outside picked on its strength bending branches more and more. It was a stark contrast to my mind, that seemed to finally calm down after a weeks of internal turmoil.
'He is my brother... my twin brother... my other half as is said about twins... I want to have a good relationship with him. I won't let anything destroy it... not even my brain's dumb mind games.'
I will protect him. This time, nobody will die on my watch. He will live... even at the cost of my own life.
xXxXxXx
After I sorted out my priorities, everything seemed to look brighter than before. Though I could partly attribute it to the fact that we finally were being fed by a spoon and not a bottle or... yeah. Nothing against milk but I think I harbored strong aversion towards it after I was fed it (and only it) daily for months.
After my first session with a spoon, I decided to reward my mother with my first words. I wanted my first word to be my twin's name but then I decided against it. He wasn't the most attentive baby so he wouldn't even register if I said his name and I was sure our mother would appreciate my first world as it was supposed to be appreciated. It was my first world! So yes, my first word was 'Kaa-san' as it had to be said in her language, which I finally discerned as Japanese and of course I was reincarnated into a country I know almost nothing about.
I probably butchered the 'mom' word with my uncooperative tongue, but she looked happy despite my difficulties at articulating. I was once again stuck by realization of how much she had to love us, when she started to cry tears of joy after hearing it and having the sillies, biggest smile as she crushed me against her chest.
I guess... It wasn't that bad to have a mom like this.
However that couldn't be said about our father. His lack of presence was becoming more and more profound as more time passed. I think it was around two months since I last saw him around and even then it was only for one hour or so. Buuut I digress.
There was one thing that made me even more happy than the change of food. It was the slowly mending relationship with my brother. He was wary during the first week after my outburst. I let him that week to himself and after that, when I was sure he forgot most of the incident, only then I tried to get him like me.
I started slowly. When he was building a mountain out of plastic bricks I helped to stabilize it and moved closer those bricks he couldn't reach from his position. He only shot me a curious look but didn't frown or shuffle away from me so I counted that as a win.
Then I actually started to hand him things he couldn't reach. I knew that this could make him remember the incident but I was becoming impatient. What can I say? It was becoming boring to play with my plush all day long. I couldn't 'play' with mom because she was way too focused on looking for any kind of discomfort that could cause another incident. My near panic attack made her little paranoid. That made me feel a little guilty...
Speaking of mom, amazingly enough I think she was able to use telekinesis or something similar because I saw things fly towards her on their own. I am not joking. Seriously, I am not. And I am not crazy... I hope. Anyway, I am leaving this discussion for another time, if its all the same, I rather discover that I am truly mad at later date.
Okey, so back to my brother. He reacted quite well all things considered. Of course, he was hesitant to take things from me at first but after he took fifth or so thing from me he lost his hesitation and just took whatever item I was holding out to him. I had some entertainment with this like that time when he tried to solve puzzle and I gave him wrong piece He looked so funny when he tried to cram that piece into his chosen place and it just didn't fit.
Another win for me.
And then came the biggest obstacle. I decided to do sibling stuff... like clapping hands, ruffling hairs and things like that.
I was quite nervous when I decided to try it for the first time as I didn't have the slightest idea how he would react. I was probably being silly as he was still a small child that couldn't distinguish between friend and foe... but I was just so afraid to see that scared expression again. I suppose, I could accept if he ever disliked me or even hated me but I couldn't if he was terrified of me. It's just... no.
So I stretched my hand and... poked him in the stomach.
I was so jittery that I just lightly poked him and then immediately scooped away to give him space. I observed his reaction uncertainty.
He blinked few times and then looked at me with confusion expression. We just stared at each other. Our stare-down ended when he started to toddle towards me. I think my expression in that moment resembled 'dear in the headlights' and I seriously debated if it was too late to run for the hills because you can't even imagine how scary toddlers could look... and they aren't even trying.
In the end, I decided that it was indeed too late and thus I stayed in place, unmoving as my twin reached my side and assaulted me.
...
Okay, I admit that I was exaggerating, but seriously what should I call it then when I was squashed between ground and my brother because said brother decided that's it was such a clever idea to topple his full weight onto his sister. Let me tell you, for being just only few months old he was heavy.
And what was worse, our mom was enjoying my suffering way too much and even summoned camera from who knows where again and then proceeded to document every little detail about my situation. Traitor. She should help her poor suffering daughter and not laugh at her misfortune.
I sighed. I suppose, I will endure for now it if it made her laugh longer. I must have really scared her before, because now that I think about it, this was the first time she laughed so freely after the incident. How did I didn't notice until now that she was so tense all the time? Guilt started to nibble at my conscience... guess I will behave more cutely for a while just for her.
She looked more at ease after she stopped snapping pictures of our pile and then after putting the camera away she walked over with a soft smile and plopped next to us. As if she was using magic, both toddlers devoted their full attention to her at the same time. She opened her arms wide with an inviting smile., immediately pile or not, we moved as one person (toddler) and crawled over to her and into her warm embrace.
As we sat on the ground in the three-person embrace I thought to myself that I could get used to this. This feeling of love, of acceptation... I would do anything to preserve this for the longest time possible.
I still didn't know what I did to deserve it, but in that moment I didn't care, I truly appreciated this second chance I was given.
xXxXxXx
I narrowed my eyes.
The image in the mirror copied my action.
'So… this is me now.'
After inhabiting this body for several months I was finally able to see what I looked like without freaking out. My mother was looking with some amusement as I made random faces into the mirror, my reflection mirroring everything I did. Again I was struck by the peculiarity of the situation. I did expect for me to look somewhat like my brother as we were twins and they usually had at least a little similarities to each other but assuming and actually seeing it were two different things.
Indeed, I was similar to my brother. I could even go even go as far as to say that we were nearly identical because the resemblance was truly uncanny. If I didn't know that he was several feet from me, chewing on his toy and thus not in the position to be seen in the mirror I would say that it was him in the reflection. It's... funny in a way.
Like my brother I had a little nose, big green eyes, chubby cheeks adorned by freckles and curly green hair, mine looking a shade lighter though at second glance. I probably had more freckles than my twin and my face wasn't so round and 'squashy' as his, but overall we looked same.
I wonder if we continue to resemble each other even as we get older... I hummed in thought. There was something I wanted to try for a long time.
I stretched my mouth into a wide smile.
...
... ...
'Okay... let's not do that again. Ever.' Except as a scare tactic. That could work.
Just as I thought that, my mother who probably saw my 'smile' squealed. Loudly. She dashed towards me, took me into her arms and then proceeded to squeeze the living shit out of me.
Now... I always knew that my mother was a little crazy in a head but until now I didn't know how much. Because this couldn't be blamed on just 'mother's love' anymore. My wide smile was downright creepy, how could she like it? And even say that it was cute?! (I've stopped to delude myself that 'kawaii' means scary)
What is wrong with her? I don't understand, but something is telling me that I don't want to. I am just gonna write it up on the list named 'Weird traits mom has' there was already plenty of things written here anyway.
"Okaaaa~" I whined at her, wanting to be placed down again. But it had no effect and instead she pressed me to her even more.
'Please… somebody help meeeee.'
xXxXxXx
After I was finally put down and mom left the room, my brother, who was probably lonely or something because he wasn't included in the 'hug', paddled over to me and assaulted me again.
I think I was starting to get used to the feeling of being squashed against the floor. I realized over the last few days that this was his way of greeting me or something because he did it every single day. Was I bothered by it? Hell yes. Will I stop him from doing it? ... Nope. He always looked so happy when he lied on me that I didn't have the heart to stop him. I'll put with this for a little longer... however if it doesn't stop around a time of kindergarten then I will make it stop.
Our attention flew to our mother when she came back into the room holding several clothes for both of us. She then started to dress up my brother into what looked as 'outside clothes'. That piqued my interest, were we finally going out? Not that I didn't like our house, but I already saw most of it as we often changed places when we played, it was so mom could cook or do some other chores and still be able to have us in her sight. I was curious about the town we were living in, though!
I probably won't be able to recognize the name of a town as the only city I knew that was in Japan was the Tokyo and I was sure that we didn't live there - seeing how peaceful the view we had from our window was. However I was still curious of our neighborhood.
Sometimes we had visitors but they usually just said hello to me and my brother talked with mom for about an hour or so and then went way. Even a woman who was occasionally looking after us when mom went grocery shopping only stayed for a while. I guess mom wasn't very close to our neighbors. Sure they were all nice, friendly and polite to each other but they weren't close. Mom probably moved here just before our birth and instead of acquainting herself with other people in the town she had her hands full with us because our father was nowhere in sight most of the time.
No, I was not trying to shift a blame on him. I really was not... Okay, maybe a little. I am sure there was a reason why he wasn't there most of time, he didn't look like a bad person but. The mom had to work hard to take care of two babies on her own and at the same time take care of their whole house and sometimes she looked so tired and lonely and... okay, I was angry at him. I think it was reasonable reaction, however.
I wasn't able to ponder about our absent father more because mom started to dress me up this time. When I looked over at my twin he was wearing warm green overall that had ladybug on the front. I snorted at his moody face. He wasn't too happy with the print and was trying to reach it with his mouth and chew it out.
As if summoned by the thought of chewing, my mouth started to itch, more precisely my gums. Words of wisdom: growing out new teeth sucked. Enough said. Therefore for the itching to stop I attacked with my gums at the nearest thing in my reach. That thing turned out to be mom's hand.
Well... awkward.
I looked up to see her expression, but I also didn't stop my chewing on her hand. To my relief she didn't look angry, if anything she looked amused by my antic. So as I was given the imaginary go ahead, I continued in my endeavors without restraint.
When I was finally dressed and I seriously don't know how she did that with only one hand (magic I suppose) into blue overalls with turtle at the front, she gently pulled her completely slobbered hand from my hands. As an replacement she gave me a dinosaurus plush that flew into her hands out of nowhere. Literally. Was now the time to start wondering if I had gone mad? Nah... let me be in denial for a little bit more.
So now what? Did we have a stroller for two? I hope that the answer is yes...
xXxXxXx
As it turned out; yes we had a two-stroller. Through it was little on a smaller side... still, what a relief. I didn't want to be carried in some kind of scarf or something on my mother's chest.
We've been strolling around for about an hour already and I have to say: This town was pretty nice. But kind of boring.
I lived in a busy city before and no matter the time of the day, streets were always full of people. Contrary to that this town was more on a quiet side. There was still a lot of people but not as much as one would meet every hour of a day in my previous birth town. Though I had a feeling there were sections in this town, that were similarly busy and our mother just purposely stuck to quieter parts as she didn't want to overwhelm us. We were mostly led through parks and around coasts.
I was able to deduct that it was early spring now as plants were in the state of not fully blooming. It was still quite chilly too, fortunately clothes were quite warm and mom also gave us hats, gloves and scarves - I had them in pink and my brother in purple, so I wasn't cold at all. And considering my brother's happy... something, he was warm too. Seriously though, he did the weirdest sounds when he was happy if he was trying to freak me out then, okay bro, you are doing a good job.
Our mother was talking to us throughout the journey, only stopping when she had to greet somebody. I was impressed by her ability to talk for so long without having a sore throat. Although I am sad to say that I wasn't able to understand most of what she was saying. I suppose it was understandable as my mind was still in its 'English mode' and learning new language without having some sort of dictionary or someone who could explain the language was pretty hard. I'll just have to be patient and learn Japanese slowly.
We were once again stopping as mom started talking with somebody. I looked with disinterest at that person but when I actually saw the guy, my brain stopped functioning and my mouth opened wide, the plush I was chewing on before laid forgotten in my lap.
'What... the hell?! Is this for real?! Am I dreaming?! I am dreaming, right?!'
Now, I know I said before that my reincarnation situation was crazy enough and thus nothing could surprise me anymore but... I miscalculated a little because right now I was very much surprised. No, the better phrasing would be that I was fucking astounded.
Okay. Just... Keep calm. Stay calm woman. You are thirty-plus year old adult, mentally at least. You could do better than this. It was okay. This was nothing. It was pretty normal for people to have wings, right? Haha... yes it was... normal... peeeerfectly normal...
...
Who was I kidding?! This was totally not okay! I could point out several things that were wrong with this image. Like... wings. Okay, I WAS pretty struck on this one fact, but who wouldn't? They were even moving for god's sake! They were either really realistic part of costume or... or I was actually reborn into some kind of freaky fairy tale?
Just as I was contemplating which choice to believe to preserve my rapidly deteriorating sanity, the winged guy decided it for me. He spread his wings and... flew away.
...
Excuse me but I think my mind short-circuited a little.
xXxXxXx
Afterward, I practically ignored everything around me for a remainder of our walk. Though I made sure to look 'alive' as I didn't want to scare my mother to death again. Then after we arrived home, ate baby food and were put into bed, only then I allowed myself to think again.
I gazed at a ceiling of our room and thought about everything and nothing at the same time. It said something about my past-me that I only had these thinking moments in this life. Though, it was only because there was no other way for me to deal with those freaking surprises this life was constantly throwing at me.
Previously, when something bad happened that threw me completely for the loop I either beat up something (I didn't care if it was living or not) or drank myself senseless. Both options worked pretty well in calming me down all things considered but sadly both were off-limits now. It was such a pity too... a good drink would be a perfect remedy for this situation and for her hurting brain.
Heh... I suppose I could try to destroy my crib but I don't think it is a very good idea to be seen as even more unstable baby than I was now. So looking at the wall/ceiling and thinking it is.
I couldn't really describe what was running inside of my mind in this moment. My mind was full of abstract ideas and tangles of thoughts and I was too fucking tired to unravel and examine them. I thought it would be pretty easy and dare I say fun to start from the... well start. But I know now that I was being too much of an optimist. And wasn't that pretty funny? I always prided myself in being realist.
It wasn't even a full-year and I was already feeling so exhausted. Sure, I know I was over thirty when I died, however I anticipated that all the fatigue I felt before would just disappear... And I'll truly start again, energized and feeling the full power of rebirth. Guess not.
But hey everything comes with a price, right? I was granted this big privilege of second chance (still don't know why me, was it just a random lottery? I've never won things like those...). I was very blessed, indeed, to end in such a wonderful family. I'll just have to overcome all these negative things and then maybe... maybe I could truly feel as if I was worthy of this second chance in this family.
Though I seriously doubted it.
I was not a good person. Not even decent. I've killed people. Countless of times, too. I was selfish, cold, mistrustful, rude, plus all other negative-traits-one-can-think-of person. And no this wasn't my low self-esteem talking, I was pretty confident individual. This was me just being truthful and honest with myself. I was not proud of what I've become, but I've learned how to live with it.
The point was: Could a person like this truly redeem herself? I was not too sure about that.
And what if this world already had some kind of 'Grand future' pre-written and with me being there, this future will become void? After all magic(?) existed, wings existed... It won't be too far-fetched to guess that an ultimate villain and hero who will defeat him exists too.
And wasn't that just nice image, that I could be a reason for everything ending badly? 'Butterfly effect' and all that shit. My luck was always low, so what is to say that it won't cause an apocalypse of some kind here, after it gets mixed with chaos theories.
... Just thinking about all these possibilities made my head hurt even more.
Anyway, I have this feeling that I strayed from the main reason I started this train of thoughts but hey, I don't think it was all that important if I forgot it already.
I yawned... eh, sleep sounded like a good idea.
xXxXxXx
Days after a shocking discovery that supernatural abilities were a thing here, were... normal. Nothing changed except I now know for a fact that yes, our mother was really using telekinesis.
Well, I know it wasn't like discovering that super powers existed would change anything, okay? They existed before I was aware of them, it made sense that everything would stay the same after I was acquainted with that fact. But I guess I was just hoping for something... I don't know... Wasn't it normal in movies that when protagonist became aware of secret that was previously hidden from them that everything drastically changed? I am talking about "Yer a wizard Harry." magnitude of changes.
Nope? Nothing like that?
Okay then. It wasn't like I was the protagonist of anything. I think that if (and only if) I was included in some kind of literature, the role that would be assigned to me would be villain or anti-heroine. Hmmm... that would be pretty cool, though the rule 'good always wins' wouldn't exactly be in my favor. Pity...
Ehmmm, that was a joke. Why would I want to be in a spotlight as either of those two things? It would such a hassle... So yes, I was only joking. (maybe)
...
A-Anyway! Liked I said before: nothing changed. Life was going on and on, dragging unsuspecting victims with its flow... like me. If I was being honest with myself I think I was going more than a little bit crazy because this absurd life of toddler was mind-numbingly boring.
Although it wasn't exactly like I had nothing to do. There was a number of things I could do: I could play with my bro in our cool little-fenced area. I could babble at my mother who happily answers me back (I usually spew at her whatever thing that comes to mind making our conversation quite hilarious). I could play with my food and throw it at the nearest person. I could toddle (or sometimes stumble) around the house and do funny faces into the mirror. Sometimes we went out for a stroll and I could see weird abilities people have in this world.
But it just wasn't enough.
For woman who had quite an adventurous life before, where she had to fight for her life every other day and who gave 'riding like a (wo)man possessed' an entirely new meaning... this just wasn't enough.
I wasn't saying that I wanted to fight for my life again or that I wanted different, livelier family. God forbid no. I loved our little family. I enjoyed every day that I spent with them and I think I've never been happier (well I certainly wasn't after Theo died).
But sometimes I felt this tight feeling in my chest. Like something was trying to drown me from inside. It helped a little when mom gave me kiss on the forehead, when Izuku took my hand into his (because he was precious little cinnamon roll who was perceptive like that) or when they both smiled at me with their brilliant smiles.
Still, it didn't completely disappear and I will feel restless and I will have this sudden urge to do something.
Of course nothing dramatic like killing somebody but I think my 'average baby' image I was pretending to be, would suffer quite a bit if I started to bang my toys against the wall like mad-(wo)man. I have a feeling that wasn't something a mentally healthy individual would do... didn't I said before that I was getting a little (read a lot) crazy? There is a proof. Ha. Ha.
I don't know what it was that made me feel all these things about 'not having enough' when I already had everything I desired in my previous life. Was I becoming too greedy? Or too self-centered? Well, that was nothing new. And in the first place, while I could be patient for a while I could never for too long.
And certainly being patient for one whole year, doing nothing but things that may be satisfying for an undeveloped mind of a toddler but which clearly weren't for an already advanced mind of an adult... shouldn't that be counted as having a patience of a saint?
To whatever entity that sent me here, please, let something happen.