Thorin noticed his hands were shaking and he attempted to get a grip on himself. They had been nothing more than words.
Although these were words he'd never expect to hear from anyone, let alone from Alyssae. At the moment he didn't want to indulge the burning bonfire inside and his mind still believed it was a mistake. It was one thing he had fallen in love with an elf, but the idea that an engaged elf would fall for a stubborn dwarf like him was so absurd he had to laugh about it himself.
Furthermore she certainly wouldn't repeat those words now he had almost cut off her arm and brought her into this worrisome condition. However other memories drifted through his head as well.
"I want to dance with you."
"I was just thinking about us."
"I like to listen to your voice."
Thorin sighed and walked towards her. 'I wish I could hear your voice again,' he whispered, looking down at her peaceful face, 'and look into your eyes.'
He reached with his hand to her cheek, but his action froze halfway and he pulled back his arm, not knowing why. He glanced at the ground when realizing he missed her terribly. A lack he would have to get used to, since the chance was little her fiancé would let her go again and even when he did so, her journey would end when they took back Erebor and she would marry that twerp anyway.
Thorin glanced a little gloomy at the hand Thranduin had kissed. From the corner of his eyes he saw a bowl with water and he turned around to get it. The water was a little trouble, but he took the sponge and cleaned her hand again with a smirk on his face. Then he lifted her hand and pressed his own lips against her fingers.
He walked around her and noticed that the elf that had washed her, hadn't finished yet. He was probably chased away by that stupid elf.
He dipped the sponge in the water and started to clean her skin very carefully.
'You never should have joined us.'
Every wound he discovered, left behind a scar within him. She must have suffered badly those last weeks and he still had dared to doubt her. Only a strong will could have forced her to hold on and accept his unfriendly words.
When Thorin had washed her lower legs he put away the bowl. He had no idea what more he could do, but he didn't want to leave. He stretched out his hand again and caressed her dark hair. With his finger he touched her pointy ear, suspecting he would never get that chance again when she woke up and remembered her fall in the water. His Adam's apple moved up and down when he brushed her cheek and touched her dry lips.
'I wish I could turn back time,' he whispered, 'so I could admit you mean the world to me, like you asked me.'
Although he hadn't been aware of his feelings back then. Would she have hoped he would express his feelings? He knew he would never do that. They had no future together and he didn't want her to give up Thranduin for him. The elf really seemed to love her and despite the fact that Thorin was jealous, he wasn't unfriendly and he had permitted Thorin this moment.
Still he couldn't forget the words she had spoken about the man, which made him doubt again.
"I don't like it to be engaged and I try to forget it as much as possible."
Thorin sighed again. 'I shouldn't be occupied by this. It is my mission to take back my homeland, not to… to lose even more.'
He turned around and left the room. Deep inside he knew he needed her. She dared to show him his shortcomings and she gave him self-confidence. She believed in him.
At the same time he knew he had to live without her. Even if Alyssae would still love him, it would be nothing but a whim. She had called him unbearable, a peevish person and stubborn and none of those words were lies. That was exactly how he was and he believed nobody could ever change that. Not even her.