Thorin was tossing and turning all night and morning, so he felt little relaxed now. Constantly he saw Alyssae's pale face before his eyes. The colour of death, caused by him. Again.
It did not matter where he was going: to the forest, the lake, the market or the bath, everywhere his guilt followed him. Everyone he passed seemed to have her amethyst eyes that watched him with a mixture of fear, grief and compassion.
"I'm afraid of you."
It was a phrase that he heard repeatedly, causing tears clouding his eyes. What was he for a lousy king that he strangled innocent women? He got the feeling a parasite had invaded his brains and encouraged him to do things he didn't want to do at all. Something dark seemed to breed inside of him and its influence was growing, making him unsure in his actions.
Thorin told himself he needed to do his best to convince her it was not only anger that prevailed in his life. He didn't want her to awake startled at night from nightmares in which he played the leading role. He wished she could look at him with normal eyes and felt herself as familiar with him as she felt with his nephews.
Above all he longed for a new embrace. His heart pounded fanatically when he remember her chin on his shoulder. He still knew exactly which corner his arms had made when he'd held her and he still remembered where her fingers had touched his cheek .
He didn't understand why she had done that and deep down he abhorred the deed.
She should have beaten him or screamed at him. But Alyssae had remained calm. She had expressed no reproaches, but had accepted his anger. He had never seen her lose her temper and she had never turned to physical violence. Occasionally there had fallen harsh words, but afterwards he'd realized he deserved them.
Beings could not be more different than Alyssae and he and that was undoubtedly one of the reasons why he loved her. She was so pure and innocent that he wanted to wrap his arms around her and protect her from this terrible world, but that was a thought that would never come true. He didn't dare to touch her anymore and Alyssae had already seen awful things. She had been locked up for months in the dungeons of the enemy, had left with thirteen seasoned dwarves, had seen how companions died and was ripped open from top to bottom. None of those times he had wrapped his arms protectively around her. She had kept her own head above the water and underwent all the pain in silence, and he respected her more than anyone.
He wandered a little around the market while trying to figure out a way to convince her he had also another side. All options that popped up in his head, seemed silly or too exaggerated, by which he gave up and stared at the ground.
Fili and Kili would certainly have known what to do, but he didn't dare to ask for advice. He was a grown man! He could think of way to fix things, right?
Suddenly he saw her. She walked side by side with Bofur and a cheerful smile lighted up her face. He stared mesmerized at her for a moment. She had dimples in her cheeks when she laughed. Her dark brown hair hung over her right shoulder and shone without a light that was shining. Her cream-colored arms hung loosely aside her body. Her dress was tight around her and showed her feminine shapes. When his eyes rested on her upper body, he saw her breasts in a flash again before him – stripped from clothes. Ashamed he looked away, cursing the fact that that perverse memory always popped up out of nowhere and bothered him.
He didn't dare to move anymore and stood in a corner, while the two walked by without seeing him. He didn't want to disturb her. She seemed to appreciate the company of Bofur and was surely not waiting for him, with his stupid excuses that probably could not even pass his lips.
Once they were out of sight, he felt disgusted by his own cowardice. He was playing hide and seek with himself and it was too ridiculous for words. He was the king under the mountain! He had to do whatever he liked instead of being scared by what could possibly go wrong! If he hoped to beat Smaug with that attitude he might as well stay in this nasty elfen village!
Tonight, he decided. Tonight he would take her for an evening stroll. If he failed in something so little, he could transfer his kingship to Fili as well. He left the market to look for a place where they could talk quietly tonight. He had acted long enough as an idiot and it was time that he showed her for once his parents had taught him manners!