You & I

Two

ARIZONA'S POV

Shit! My head's pounding.

Squinting as my eyes open, I struggle to understand where I am, but then I suddenly feel a warmth beside me. Oh, shit! This isn't good. Nothing that happened last night can bring any good to my life. I mean, I wish it could, but things are complicated. Things are...hard. I know it was my own choice to come back here last night with the woman from the bar, but this is what happens when I'm lonely and drunk. This is what happens when I choose to be an asshole, chasing the women.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I bring women back only to feel bad about it the next day? I'll tell you why...because it's not me. It's never been me. Until one day, it became my choice of lifestyle. Fuck, this is a mess.

Trying to slowly climb from the bed, Eliza's naked back is on view and my body throbs for more. Last night, it was amazing. I felt like myself for the first time in forever. Not because she gave me what I wanted, but because I felt something with her. A spark. A connection. I don't know. Either way, it felt good. It felt real.

Watching as she stirs, I close my eyes, frozen in my spot. I really need her to not wake up right now. How am I supposed to suddenly leave if she's watching me do it? It's bad enough that I'm here at all, so I need her to at least pretend she's sleeping. Yeah, it never happens that way, Robbins.

"You're leaving…" Her sleep filled voice startles me.

"Sorry, just...I need to grab breakfast." I clear my throat. "Maybe I'll see you at the conference."

"Give me a few minutes and I'll head down with you."

"No." I rush out. "It's okay. You sleep a while longer."

"I knew this would happen." Eliza sits up, pulling the sheet around her body, protecting herself. "I told you not to push it. I told you I wasn't who you wanted."

"Huh?"

"Just leave, Arizona." Resting back against the headboard, the realization of what she's saying hits me.

"Oh, you mean…" I furrow my brow. "That's not what this is about."

"You can't even say the words." She laughs. "Please, go."

"Eliza." I run my fingers through my hair. "Please, I need you to believe that this isn't about that."

"About what?" She spits. "If you're going to explain yourself, at least say the words."

"Me leaving has nothing to do with your scars…"

"It's written all over your face." She looks at me with disappointment. "I don't expect you to be okay with this. I did warn you, though."

"I really have to go, but please believe I'm not leaving because of anything you did."

"I don't have to do anything." Eliza laughs. "People see them and they freak out." She shrugs. "I'm used to it but you seemed different. You seemed...to care."

"I-I do care," I say with certainty. "Just...can we meet later? After the conference?"

"No." She gives me a sad smile. "Leave and you'll never have to see me again."

"I'm sorry." I can feel the disappointment settling inside me. "I want to explain but if it's not what you want to hear, I won't make you listen."

"Bye, Arizona." Turning her naked body away from me, my heart feels heavy in my chest. Heavier than its ever been. "Take your crap with you."

"Eliza." I clear my throat, approaching the door and pulling on my jeans. "Just...you're beautiful, okay?"

"No." She turns back to face me. "I'm just the mutilated, cancer surviving lesbian, who has no tits."

Wow…

My heart breaking for this woman, I don't want to rile her up. I don't want to explain only to make things worse and leave her feeling shittier than she already does. Either way, I can't win.

"You know, last night...I thought I saw something different in you to the others." Her voice breaks. "I thought you didn't look at me how they did. I should've told you. I shouldn't have put you in that position. You should've known before I brought you here."

"I think you're beautiful." I sigh, buttoning up my shirt. "Make of that what you will."

"I don't think I can make it to the conference today." She shakes her head. "Thanks for an awesome night…"

"I want there to be more…" I admit "But I have things to explain."

"I'll be gone in a few hours. You'll never have to see me again or explain yourself." She drags herself from the bed, the sheet still wrapped around her. "Really, last night was great."

"Yeah, it was." I agree, a smile curling on my mouth. "It was amazing."

"You said you had to go, so you really should." Eliza clears her throat. "I need to prepare for my trip home."

Simply nodding, I step out into the corridor, still barefoot. It wasn't ever my intention to make her feel how she does, but every time this happens, I feel bad. Every time I climb into bed with another woman, I feel like it shouldn't be happening.

I'm sick and tired of this…

"Hey!" My call connects. "Things at the office okay?" Slipping my blazer over my shoulders, I check myself out in the huge mirror.

"Everything's fine here, Zo," Suzanna replies. "Busy week at the conference?"

"Guess so, yeah." Eliza is still on my mind, two days after I met her. "You think we can talk when I get home?"

"Suppose so," Suzanna says. "What's it about?"

"Us." I clear my throat. "I don't like it anymore."

"What don't you like?" She asks. "The Mercedes? The penthouse apartment? Fucking me whenever we need a little release…"

"Can you not be so crude?" My stomach turns. "We haven't slept together in almost three months…"

"Doesn't mean you don't enjoy it when it happens…"

"Look, I have to go." I sigh. "But I'm serious. We need to talk when I'm back in New York."

"Yeah, yeah," Suzanna says, sarcastically. "I don't know what needs to change but whatever."

"Bye." Ending the call, I throw my cell onto the bed and run my fingers through my hair. I'm done with this lifestyle. It only leaves me feeling shitty and untrusting. None of this is right and honestly, my marriage is a shambles. It has been for a long time.

I married Suzanna some six years ago. She's a wealthy businesswoman who knows exactly what she wants. I get that and I appreciate it, but I don't want to be a part of her perfect facade any longer. I haven't wanted that since we decided to separate. We had an agreement that we would have separate lives until the business came into play.

We're free to see whoever we please, so long as we aren't seen by the people who have the final say in investments and whatever else comes with my wife's business. It's bullshit really but I'm the one who feels bad whenever I've slept with someone else. Why? Because I'm still married. I'm still bound to someone through a piece of paper and some stupid fucking law. Suzanna knows I don't want it but she assumes I need my reputation more. I don't and I never have.

I've asked for a divorce, on more than one occasion, but she's never agreed. She simply tells me I have the best of both worlds. Is it really that simple, though? No, it's not. I can't fall in love like I want to. I can't have another woman fully in my life. Whenever I've come close to that, I've told them about my wife and they leave. They leave and assume I'm a serial cheater. Having an affair. They hear the word wife and they bolt.

Who can blame them, though? The world I live in is so far from what I expected growing up, but it worked. For a time, it worked well. Suzanna has what she wants, a wife for the charity dinners and galas she attends, and I don't have to answer to her when I disappear for the weekend, banging some random woman in a different town. She knows why I leave for conferences and conventions, but she doesn't care. Legally, I belong to her. Legally, I'm fucked.

One more day and I'll be home…

Reaching the elevator, the doors open and I step inside. I arrived home a few hours ago, and after taking my suitcase back to my place, I received a call from Suzanna, summoning me to her office. I'm glad she called but it doesn't really matter now. Eliza left the conference when she said she was and I didn't get the opportunity to see her again or take her number. I looked for her, asked for her, but she'd gone.

Whether Suzanna agrees to end things completely, it no longer matters. I still want to stop this with her, though. Even if Eliza left believing I'm a complete bitch, someone she never wants to see again, I still want to end this bullshit life with her. It's wearing me down. It's making me feel shitty. No matter what she tells me, I still feel as though I'm cheating whenever I climb into bed with another woman. I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.

The doors opening, the ding of the bell pulling me from my thoughts, I step out into the corridor and clear my throat. Straightening myself out, I glance down at the wedding ring on my left hand and roll my eyes. I only wear it when I'm at the office and that's because Suzanna asks me to. The less obvious our lack of love is, the less likely people are to talk.

Knocking when I reach the huge floor to ceiling door, the sound of voices is present as always. Ninety percent of her time is spent in meetings and discussions, it's one of the reasons we decided to separate. I needed more. I needed to relax at home during the evenings, sharing dinner with the woman I love. I needed that, but Suzanna couldn't give it to me. I should've known really. She was successful when I met her so that success was only going to skyrocket as the years went on. Now, I'm a thirty-six-year-old woman who goes home alone at night, to a separate apartment to my wife.

"Come in." Suzanna's distinctive voice calls from behind the door.

Pushing it open, I slip inside and close the door behind me. My wife likes her privacy and honestly, so do I. I don't need half of the office hearing what I'm about to say. Waiting back until her meeting is over, I focus my eyes on the back of the woman sitting across from my wife's desk and furrow my brow. She looks familiar.

"Hi, honey." Suzanna smiles, removing her glasses. "I was just getting acquainted with our new finance director. "Come join us…"

"Right, yeah." I sigh, the realization that this isn't about the talk I wanted sinking in. "Did we need a new financial director?" I approach the back of the seat beside the woman I'm yet to meet.

"We did." My wife nods. "Paul wasn't reliable enough."

"This is my wife." Suzanna stands, motioning between me and the new finance girl. "Arizona Robbins."

"Nice to meet yo-" Turning, the woman clears her throat and holds out her hand. "y-you."

"Eliza Minnick." oh fuck!

"Great to have you with us." My throat dries. "I'm sure you'll be a great asset to the company."

"I hope to be." She removes her hand from mine, dropping back down into her seat and looking away from me.

"I'll be another few minutes here," Suzanna says. "Then we will go out to lunch together."

"Sure, yeah." I shift uncomfortably.

"If it would be okay, I'd like to get to work." Eliza interrupts. "If we're finished here?"

"We're finished." Suzanna nods. "You know where you're going?"

"I do, thank you." Standing, Eliza moves past me, that same perfume from a few nights ago sending a shiver down my spine. "Goodbye, Mrs. Robbins." She looks at me, disgust in her intense green eyes.

"B-Bye."

Watching her leave, my heart feels heavy as it sinks into my stomach. Suzanna is staring at me because I'm still standing in the middle of the office, but I don't have the brain capacity to do this with her now. She knows something isn't right, but I need her to not know about Eliza. One of our agreements was that we'd keep it out of the office. If she knows, Eliza will be out of a job. I don't want that to happen. After all, I'm the one who couldn't keep it in my pants.

"Are you just going to stand there all day?"

"Sorry." I wave off her question, laughing. "Long morning."

"How long have you been fucking her?" She sits back in her seat, taping her pen on the stack of papers in front of her.

"Who?"

"Our new staff…"

"Uh, I haven't been fucking anyone." I scoff.

"We both know that's a lie, honey." Suzanna rolls her eyes. "She was looking at you like she's fucked you. Like she's seen you naked."

"Suzanna, I'm not sleeping with her, okay?"

"If you say so, darling." She sighs. "So, you wanted to talk?"

"Not right now." I shake my head. "I wasn't planning to work today so I'm headed home."

"You came by just to see me?" She says, lovingly. "How sweet."

"Um, I came by because you called me and asked me to."

"You could've said no…" She smirks.

"Why would I do that? I'm your business partner."

"Share dinner with me tonight…" My wife says, demanding not asking. "I'll book a table downtown."

"Tonight doesn't work for me." I back up. "I have things to do at home."

"Tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow is fine." I nod. "The new girl settled with everything?"

"She claims to be." Suzanna shrugs. "Check in with her on your way out…"

"Paul's office?" I arch an eyebrow, my hand settled on the door handle.

"Yup." Returning to the work in front of her, Suzanna dismisses me with her hand and I roll my eyes.

Slipping out of her office, I head down the corridor I came from a short while ago and take a left when I reach the end of it. Eliza is situated close to the elevator which is perfect really. It gives me an easy way out when she starts throwing office supplies at me.

Clearing my throat, I knock on her office door and push it open. Her back to me, her shoulders are shaking, she's visibly upset. "Hey…" I step inside, closing the door.

"What do you want?" She turns to face me. "What could you possibly have to say to me?"

"A lot, actually." I run my fingers through my hair. "Can I see you tonight?"

"You're fucking joking, right?" She lowers her voice. "You're asking me to see you tonight when your fucking wife is down the hall...and my boss?! You're unbelievable."

"If you'll let me explain…" I breathe out. "I just don't want to do it here."

"No." She shakes her head. "You're one of my bosses and that's where it ends, Arizona. You might be happy cheating on your wife, but I don't want anything to do with that."

"That's not what happened…"

"Yeah, that is what happened." She scoffs. "Nice addition to your jewelry collection." Motioning towards my hand, I focus my eyes on my wedding ring, disappointment written all over both of our faces. "You can leave. We have nothing to say to each other."

"I feel differently…"

"I don't think you're in any position to feel differently. You have a wife, Arizona. You have a wife and we spent the night together. We woke, naked, and you have a fucking wife!"

"I just…" Realizing this conversation is going nowhere, I shake my head and approach Eliza's desk. Scribbling my number down on a post it, I leave it in its place and back up towards the door. "If you change your mind…"

"I won't." She drops down in her office chair. "I do have one question for you, though…"

"Okay." I nod slowly.

"How disgusted were you when you realized what was beneath my clothes?"

"Disgusted?" I furrow my brow. "Why the hell would I be disgusted?"

"Because they always are." Eliza laughs. "Every. Single. Time."

"Well, they are assholes," I say, approaching her desk again. "How long ago?"

"How long ago what?" She asks. "How long ago did I become less of a woman?"

"How long have you been cancer free?" I give her a sad smile.

"Almost two years." She clears her throat. "Now I focus on my work. It's done me good so far."

"I'm happy you're here." My eyes bore into hers. "Whether you believe me or not, I am."

"I have work to do." She powers up her laptop. "Thanks for the job."

"My number is there if you decide you'd like to let me explain…"

"I don't want to hear your explanation." She holds up her hand. "We slept together and it was the biggest mistake of my life."

Something in her eyes tells me that's not true, but Eliza's right. I'm in no position to push this. Like the rest of them, she thinks I'm a cheater. If that's the opinion she wants to have of me, who am I to try and change her mind? This woman looks like she's been through enough to last her a lifetime, the last thing she needs is to get caught up in my fucked-up, nonexistent marriage.

"If you need anything…" I clear my throat. "Professionally."

"Sure, I'll be sure to come and find you…or your wife."

"Goodbye, Eliza." Stepping out of her office, I step straight into the elevator, my emotions beginning to get the better of me. I don't want this to come between us at work, but I do want to see more of her. I want to, but I know I can't. I'd never forgive myself if Suzanna fired Eliza for sleeping with me. My wife may be a great businesswoman, charity worker and whatever else falls under her umbrella of accomplishments, but when it comes to me…things can get nasty. When it comes to me, her jealousy boils over. Whether we've been separated for a while or not and whether we see other people or not, if it's flaunted in front of her, she's one nasty woman.

Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.