The first section of this fic, up to a point, is Eliza's POV as the last chapter happened. The rest is fresh, new stuff.
You & I
Five
ELIZA'S POV
This feeling. God, I have no words. Arizona is on top of me, and my body is about to experience another incredible high with her. It's emotional, but I'm trying to steer away from that. I'm trying to move past how intense this feels and go with it. I'm not sure she realises how much this means to me. I'm not sure she understands that I haven't shared this with another woman in a long time. Maybe she senses it, but I'm not so sure. I'm not sure of anything tonight. I wasn't supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to be lying naked beneath her, my entire body on show.
I was supposed to be home. Alone. As usual. I was supposed to be preparing for another weekend of being single and miserable, my past forever in my mind. I'm not, though. I'm very much here and so is she.
"A-Arizona." My hips lift slightly. "Please..."
Two fingers pushing deep inside me, my breath catches in my throat.
"Fuck, you feel so good." How does she do that? How does she make me feel so good? So alive? I've never felt this with another woman and I'm not sure I ever will again. Arizona is unique. Everything about her is different from another soul.
"Fuck." Gripping the sheet to the side of my body, Arizona sinks deeper, my walls throbbing around her. Teasing my clit, my body trembles.
"You wanna come..."
"God, yes." I whimper. "All I've thought about is this moment with you again."
Positioning herself over me, Arizona sinks deeper with every thrust. Giving me exactly what I need like she's known me for a lifetime. She knows what I crave. What I desire.
"I-I..."
"Let go, Eliza." Her lips finding mine, she doesn't once lose her rhythm. She doesn't once falter. She's focused on me completely, I can see it in her eyes. "Fuck, I wanna feel you come."
"O-Oh." My mouth falls open. "Don't stop." Arizona pace increases and I can feel her struggling to move inside me. This, this never happens.
"Shit, you're so tight."
Her words completely sending my world black, my body shakes and writhes beneath her. I know she's desperate for release too, but her focus is so on me that I'm not sure she knows what day it is. I'm not sure she's seeing or feeling anything, other than me.
"Oh god." She drops down on top of me and my hands find her back, holding her against me. "I feel like I can't get enough of you."
"T-Thank you." My breathing settles slightly. "F-For accepting me."
"Oh, Eliza." Arizona lifts her head, her eyes finding mine. "I wish you could see how beautiful you are..."
God, when she says things like that to me...it breaks my heart. In a good way, but compliments are few and far between for me lately. Since my surgery and since my life changed, compliments are unheard of. Arizona, though? Everything she says seems heartfelt. Honest. Whenever her beautiful mouth opens, my heart pounds at the thought of what she might say.
"Suzanna is going to freak, isn't she?"
"Honestly?" She raises her eyebrow. "Yeah, she probably will."
"And I'm going to mess everything up between you two." Giving Arizona a small smile, I sit up on my elbows, her lips begging to be kissed. I want to, but I also want to figure things out here. I know I want to see more of her, but at what cost? My job? Her weird messed up marriage? I don't know.
"I'm not worried, Eliza." She sits up, climbing off me. "If that makes you feel any better..."
"It does." I nod slowly. "I'm just not the type of person who does this."
"Does what?" She looks at me confused.
"Gets involved with a married woman." I clear my throat. "Sneaks around."
"It's not really the same thing, though. My marriage."
"I know, but you have a wife." I run my fingers through my hair, pulling the sheet up and covering my body. "I know you're not together, but it's still weird for me."
"I get that." Arizona agrees. "You're going to avoid me at the office, aren't you?"
"I have to." I shrug. "If this has to be a secret so I can see more of you, then what other choice do I have?"
"I hate this." Her voice breaks. "I hate her."
"I'm sure you don't." I shake my head. "If you hated her, you wouldn't do what you do for her."
"What you mean is...do I still love her?" Arizona scoffs. "That's what you're asking, right?"
"Well, I wasn't," I say. "But, do you?"
Silence. Nothing.
"I'd understand if you did." I dip my head to meet Arizona's eyes. "You didn't marry her for the sake of it..."
"No, I didn't marry her for the sake of it." She agrees. "But I also don't love her anymore."
"Because?"
"Because she's prevented me from leaving for too long. She's prevented me from having a relationship, or dating. She just...she's always there. Its like she can read my fucking mind."
"She doesn't like you dating..."
"No, she doesn't." Arizona admits."It's part of our agreement, but she doesn't like it. If I sleep around, she doesn't care...but once she knows I'm dating, she tries to stop it from happening."
"How?" I furrow my brow.
"She tells me she wants us to try again. Says she wants therapy. Anything she can say to make me stay. I don't know if she wants me to hang on forever, but I can't. I stopped loving her the moment I walked into her office to find her fucking another woman."
"While you were together?"
"No." Arizona clears her throat. "We were already separated, but walking in on that...seeing my wife naked with an intern, it broke my heart. I knew we were over and we had been for a few weeks, but it was how brazen she was about it. How she didn't care who could walk in..."
"Yeah, I get that." I give Arizona a sad smile. "That can't have been nice for you."
"The worst thing was, the intern knew we were married. Obviously, we were putting on an act, but I just looked like a fool." She laughs. "Then for it to look like I'd forgiven her and taken her back, I felt even more stupid than I already did."
"What does she have on you, Arizona?" I shift closer, taking her hand. "What hold does she have on you that's preventing you from leaving?"
"I did leave." She looks at me confused.
"Divorce." I state. "What's preventing you from divorcing her?"
"I don't know." She breathes out."She won't agree to it. Three times I've asked. Three times she's told me no. What's the point going through it all with a lawyer only to waste my time, and money, when she refuses again?"
"I don't know." I drop her hand. "This is all kinds of fucked up."
"Try living it..."
"Well, if this carries on between us...I will be living it."
"You don't want that, do you?
"Honestly, no," I say honestly. "But I want you so I have no other choice."
"You're sweet." Arizona blushes. "I don't want you to get caught up in this if it isn't what you want though, Eliza." She looks at me, seriousness in her eyes. "You've been through enough and I wouldn't ever do that to you. I wouldn't expect you to just go along with this."
"But if one day it's all worth it..."
"I'm not sure that day will ever come." She sighs, her shoulders slumping. "I've been waiting for it for over a year."
"I don't like your wife."
"No, me neither." She glances up, a smile forming on her soft pink lips. "Whatever happens, I want you to know that all those other women, they're worthless."
"No, they just couldn't handle it."
"It's not there for them to handle." Arizona wraps her arm around my shoulder and I relax against her. "It isn't their story and it's not their scars."
"Still." I shrug. "It wasn't what they wanted."
"Well, in some fucked up way, I'm glad about that." She presses a kiss to my forehead. "'Means I'm the one who gets to make you happy...I hope."
"One day at a time, yeah..."
"Sure." She nods, a slight sigh falling from her mouth. "Whatever you want to do."
"Hey, that's not what I mean." I tilt my head up, pressing my lips to hers. "I just want us to know what we're doing before we get hurt."
"I told you I wouldn't hurt you...and I stand by that."
"I know." My head rests against Arizona's chest. "But I don't know what she's going to do when she finds out, and right now, I don't want to know. I don't want to think about her."
"Think about us then." Arizona's soft fingers trail through my hair, her nails grazing my scalp. "I'd really like to spend some more time with you this weekend."
"I'd like that, too." I breathe out, my eyes closing. "I feel like I'm in my own perfect world when I'm with you."
"You know, I'm so happy you beat that shit you had in your body." Her arms tighten around me. "The thought of never meeting you..."
"I'm okay, Arizona." My hand settles on her naked stomach. "I'm really okay."
Waking to a bright sunlight, my eyes open fully and a smile settles on my mouth when I find Arizona's arm draped over my stomach, my scars on display. I'm still not completely comfortable with her seeing me like this and I should probably cover up before she wakes, but this feels too good right now. It feels too good and I really don't want to move from this position. Her hair, it's splayed across her pillow. If I focus on her lips properly, I can see a slight smile on her relaxed features. She's just beautiful. Gorgeous.
Last night, it meant everything to me. I thought the first night we spent together was amazing, but last night has only left me feeling stronger and more attached to Arizona. Sure, I know I'm setting myself up to get hurt, but it feels good having her in my life. It feels good waking beside her, knowing that her attention is on me. Knowing I have the day to get to know her better. It feels good and it feels right.
There's something in the way she touches me that tells me she's got me. That she's here to protect me. There's something in the way she looks at me when she's reassuring me that makes me want to fall completely in love with her. I know we have a long way to go in terms of anything serious, and I'm not thinking too hard about what could be, but it's hard not to allow myself a moment to think about it. It's hard because Arizona is everything I've ever wanted. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. Someone who doesn't look at me like I'm a freak or less than what they thought I was.
I thought I had it all three years ago when I met Ali, but it didn't work out. Once I found the lump, once I'd gone through every test they could put me through, she couldn't do it. She couldn't watch me go through the hardest time of my life. I don't hate her for that, but it did leave me feeling alone. Alone and wondering if I'd even make it through. I think the final step for her was when I came home from my appointment, the news I'd dreaded fresh in my mind. A double mastectomy. I'd lose a part of me. It would help to ensure my survival, but it would make everything else in my life really shit.
I've come to terms with it and I know it had to happen, but I do sometimes wonder what would be if that lump had never settled in my body. I wonder where I'd be now. Would I be married with kids? Would I have a home with a wife, the life I always dreamed about?
I'm not even sure if I can have kids anymore. Everything was a blur, and even though it was suggested I have my eggs frozen, I didn't. I didn't because my head was so full with the thoughts I was going to die, that freezing my eggs was the last thing I was thinking about. It's something I now regret, but I'm alive and whatever life throws my way, nothing will ever come close to waking up on the Sunday morning that I did, my hair falling out on my pillow. That feeling of never being the same again is still the most terrifying thought I have.
Brushing a tear that's slipped to my jawline, my eyes close and I give myself a moment to gather my thoughts. Arizona doesn't need to see this side of me, even if it does happen more than I'd like it to. At times, I think about the past...and the tears fall. I wish I wasn't so emotional, but I try not to see it as a downfall, even if it probably is. It's probably off-putting to anyone who meets me.
A sudden movement beside me, my eyes remain closed but a sensation on my skin causes me to furrow my brow. Glancing down, I find Arizona's lips pressed against the skin beneath what used to be my left breast. Nobody has been so close to my scars. Nobody has been above my waist since my surgery. The sensation, it's making me want to cry. It's making me want to sob.
"Waking up with you feels so good." Arizona's sleep filled voice sends a shiver down my spine.
"A-Arizona..."
"I could do this with you for the rest of my life..."
We don't know each other. We don't know the first thing about each others lives, but I understand what she's saying. I understand how she's feeling...because I feel it, too. That desperate need to be close, I totally get it. It's intense and it's frightening at times, but it feels real. Everything about lying here beside her feels more real than anything in my life.
"You're so gorgeous that I don't know what to say sometimes..."
"Wow." My words a whisper, a smile curls on my mouth as her blue eyes find mine, her lips trailing up between my scars.
"Can we stay like this today?" She asks, her lips finding my jawline. "Just like this?"
"Sounds perfect." I breathe out, my head burying deeper into the pillow beneath me.
"A little breakfast." She smiles against my neck. "Snuggles. I wanna know all there is to know about you..."
"I'm really not that interesting." I whimper.
"Mm, and I think that's a total lie..."
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.