Part 9

He knows that there is nothing he can say, right now, which could make Zach feels better. He's not sure what he can do either. He's seldom felt as out of his depth as he is feeling now. He would love nothing more than to take Zach is in arms and shield him from all his memories and nightmares, but he isn't sure that Zach would welcome physical closeness now. He would love nothing more than to tell Zach that he loves him no matter what, but he isn't sure that Zach will believe him.

And yet he needs to act, and fast, because Zach is looking at him crying silently, softly, with such despair and fear as he's never seen in anyone's eyes except in his daughter's when he told her she had lost her mother, and in Olivia's when their son died.

He spots Zach's crayons and drawing paper by the bed: Abby must have left them there for him in case he needed to draw in the middle of the night, he thinks… and suddenly he knows. He picks up a crayon, and a sheet of paper, and sits on the bed, not too close, but not too far either. He's terrible at drawing, but he's doing is best. He draws the shape of a man, and the shape of a boy, and manages to make it look as if they are holding hands. When he's done, he hands it over to Zach. "You see, Zach", he says very softly, "this is you. And this is me."

Zach looks at the drawing as if he's never seen a drawing in his life – and his cries turn into sobs. He's sitting there on the bed, pitiful really in his huge pajamas, head bowed, his entire body shaking, his tears dropping on the drawing, and he feels as if he is falling down, down, down, in a deep, deep pit, until he can feel that Fitz is pulling him back, and holding him, and telling him again and again and again, that it'll be OK.

She's standing at the door of the infirmary. They haven't heard her. Zach is sobbing too much to hear anything, and Fitz is too focused on him to pay attention to his surroundings.

When he left David's house so abruptly, she barely managed to hold it together. But she didn't want David to see how hurt she was by Fitz's behaviour, mostly by his refusal to acknowledge what she had been through, by his inability to say simply "thank you". So, she kept her self-control, and helped him with the many phone calls he had to make: the police, to notify them that Larsen had been accused of abuse, and to the Red Cross to let them know that one of their doctors was a suspect in a serious case, and so on. When they were done David tried to talk to her about what had happened, but she couldn't: too tired, too worn out.

Still, instead of going to bed, she went to the orphanage. She told herself that she needed to check on Zach; deep down, though, she knew that Fitz was there. She isn't sure what she was hoping for, a sign maybe that his earlier behaviour was due to anger at Larsen and pain for Zach, that things could improve between them… she didn't know, all she knew is that she needed to be there. But now that she is looking at them both, she realises that her place isn't there, that for now, they need to be alone, together. She finds refuge in the tiny office, unable to drag herself away from the orphanage and to face David and Abby.

Finally, Zach fell asleep again. Fitz promised him he would see him again in the morning, and that Abby would stay throughout the night. He's seldom felt so tired in his life. There's light in the office. He is about to switch it off, absentmindedly, when he realises that Olivia is there. She's sitting in the chair, eyes closed, head thrown backwards. His throat tightens. The cold, harsh, unforgiving light of the office emphasises the dark circles under her eyes, and the lines of stress and fatigue around her mouth, but to him, she's never looked more beautiful. It'd all be so much easier if he didn't desire her so much…

"Olivia", he calls out to her.

She starts: she wasn't asleep, just resting, and hadn't heard him come in.

"Olivia, what are you doing here?"

She looks away. "Nothing… it's just… I was hoping to get hold of you… how is he?"

"Very distressed." He clears his throat. "Olivia… I… I wanted to thank you for finding him, for bringing him back to me. And also for getting him to talk about… you know."

"For bringing him back to me?" Is what you just said? She thinks… My God, Fitz, you're in so deep here, and you don't even seem to realise it…

She sighs deeply. "I… I just had a hunch. And I didn't like that Larsen guy from the start so… it all began to make sense somehow."

Very tentatively, hesitantly, he tries to reach out to her. "Olivia… it must have been so hard for you, on that beach… I can't even imagine what…"

"Don't worry", she cuts him off, "it was hard, but I'll get over it. Compared to what Zach went through it wasn't…"

"Why do you always do this?!" He blurts out, "always keeping it all to yourself! I mean, what do you think, that I won't understand, that I can't possibly help?!"

She's shocked at his outburst and too tired to understand what's going on here. "Fitz, what are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, Olivia." He knows it's not the right time, but he can't help himself. "I'm asking you to tell me what it was like, because you look drained, and it's obvious how hard you found it and I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you would let me in… but oh no!" He's getting increasingly frustrated. "It's like, when you told us what happened to him, back at David's house, I mean… you made me feel as if I wasn't even in the room! Oh forget it, just forget it!"

He walks off, not looking at her.

"Is that what you thought?", she asks, and she sounds so despairing that he turns around to face her and realises that her eyes have filled with tears. "Is that really what you thought, Fitz?"

To her, this is the last straw. After the evening she's had, that he should fail so completely to understand her… "The reason I wouldn't look at you Fitz, was because I couldn't bear to see the pain on your face!" She's breathing unsteadily, looking straight at him. "I'd had too much pain to deal with for one night…" she adds, very softly, chokingly.

He looks stunned. But as she is walking off, he grabs her shoulders: "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", he whispers.

At that she crumbles against him, and at long last lets it all out. Sitting on the sand next to Zach knowing that she couldn't afford to get it wrong, scared that she was totally unequipped to deal with something so awful, so terrible. And her rage at Larsen, her sadness for Zach, her concern for his ability to deal with all this long term… she tells him all this, in bits and pieces, crying, clinging to him, all the time aware that he is still holding her as if he will never let her go.

At long last she calms down. He cups her cheek in his hand, humbled by her sensitivity with Zach and her strength throughout this ordeal. Before he can say anything, she raises her face to him. "Fitz, will you sleep with me tonight?"

He can't believe she's just asked that. For a second, he's tempted to say yes. But common sense takes over. "Olivia… look, I want you. And I think you know it. But… I don't think it's a good idea for us to…"

She steps away from him, eyes wide: "Fitz! I didn't mean it that way… I just meant sleep as in… sleep… it's just that…oh forget it, it doesn't matter. It was a bad idea."

Before he knows it, she's gone. He catches up with her outside, in front of David' house. "Olivia, wait!" He turns her round so that she faces him: she looks so tired and so vulnerable that something in him gives in. "Olivia… listen…" He doesn't know how to put it. "I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow morning either", he finally whispers.

She gets a few things for the night from David's, and he takes her back to his flat. While he's rustling up a quick dinner, she takes a look around. She's never been there before, and it strikes her that it's a very sad flat, the flat of a very lonely person who hasn't really made a home here, who doesn't seem to have a life outside work, who doesn't really know where he belongs.

Over dinner, they don't say very much. Afterwards, they take a quick shower in turn and go to bed. It feels surprisingly natural to them, and familiar. Soon they find their old, usual position, spoon-like, and drift off to sleep.

It's fine, he tells himself, nothing else has to happen, this is just nice, and warm and just… fine.

When she wakes up, she realises that they're still joined together. And he, so attuned to her presence wakes up too, responsive to her gentle stirring. And now he's looking at her, with an odd expression on his face, but as she is pulling away from him, he draws her back to him. "Don't go", he whispers, "please Livvie." His warm baritone, serves to halt her in her retreat and instead she finds herself relaxing against him and relives it all… before she knows it, in the comfort of his embrace she finds herself dozing off again. But not for long, because a few hours later, in the middle of the night, in humid, searing heat, she awakens once more and for a brief second she doesn't know where she is. But then she remembers. And she turns to him, and realises he's awake too, and watching her. In that instant she knows he wants her, and she reaches out to him and strokes his cheek. And as he isn't stopping her, she starts exploring his face, his neck, his chest, and that's when he goes for her.

But now, it's the morning, and no matter how wonderful their lovemaking was, she can't help worrying about what the future holds for them. He senses her tension. "Olivia? What's wrong?"

She looks at him. "Fitz… do you have regrets about last night? Because if you do, that's fine, I'll understand, but you have to tell me now."

He swallows. How could I ever think I didn't want this again, her, us, together like this? He asks himself… how could I ever think that? "Olivia, I… I don't have any regrets… and… I don't want this to be a one-night stand. I mean… things have been pretty bad between us, but can we try and enjoy what we have together now?"

She looks at him for a long time. So this is how it's going to be, she thinks, having sex, hanging out together, with no plan, no idea of where we're going, no mention of love, no talk about Josh– God forbid… Can you do it? She asks herself, can you really do this?

With a sigh, she buries her head against his chest.

And nods.

It's two weeks since the day Zach ran away, since the night they got back together. And those two weeks have been exhausting: during the day, they are snowed under with work. Early morning and late afternoon they spend time with Zach, either together or separately. Zach is still having nightmares and needs almost constant reassurance from them, that they love him and that they won't give up on him. Besides, the fallout from Larsen's arrest has been pretty awful: turns out he was an active member of a far-reaching paedophile network. Fortunately, Zach won't have to testify in court against him: instead the prosecution will use his video testimony – through which both Olivia and Fitz sat.

They know of course that he needs a kind of help which he can't get here. But as he is stuck in Ghana, they're doing their best by him: it's not enough, but it's something. Still, it's taking its toll on them both. So when Olivia suggested that as they both had the day off, and as the kids were on an excursion into town, they spend the day together and go to this lovely, peaceful beach she had found, just the two of them, without Zach this time – he jumped at the chance of some time alone with her, away from everything and everyone else. He can't get enough of her. They've spent almost every night together those last two weeks, and he feels like a man who didn't know how thirsty he was until he started drinking. He doesn't dwell on the fact that Olivia is supposed to leave in about a month, or on his own prospects in Ghana. He doesn't even dwell much on how he really feels about her. For once in his life, he lives solely in the present, for the present, and if he sometimes notices shadows in her eyes, he tells himself that it simply mirrors the shadows in his own when he thinks of Josh.

At that time of the day, early evening, the light is beginning to fade, and the sea is quiet as oil. The beach is very secluded. They are completely alone, stretching on the sand, not saying much, having had a couple of swims already, happy to just be there, together and relax. Soon he wants her again, but as he begins to kiss and stroke her, she chuckles.

"What's so funny?", he asks, smilingly, bent over her.

"Well… I was just thinking that if this was a TV show back home, before the 9pm watershed, well the camera would move away from us and focus on the sea, and it would be left to the audience to imagine it all…"

"Olivia! I'm making love to you and you're thinking about television!?" He protests, in mock indignation… "Is that the effect I have on you?"

She arches against him provocatively. "You know very well the effect you have on me", she retorts, relishing the darkening of his eyes and the growing tension on his face.

"It's true, though", she carries on, laughing. "I mean, if it was a pre 9pm show, it would be so boring…."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we wouldn't have been able to go skinny-dipping and…" she moves her hand- "and I couldn't do this to you…or…this…"

"Livvie…" – he's barely audible.

"Or this", she says, whispering, not laughing this time.

He moves so quickly that she can barely react. "And I couldn't do this…", he states, enjoying the sound of her shallow breathing.

"Fitz", she asks, in a very low, very shaky voice, "Fitz, now. Please."

On the way back to their various duties and commitments and to Zach, they're silent. Something happened on that beach, to do with the intensity of their lovemaking, but mostly with the fact that for the first time since their son died they've managed to spend several hours together talking, walking, relaxing, without hurting each other.

We've got a long way to go, she tells herself, we still can't talk about the real difficult things, at least he can't, but at least, we can be together. Surely it can only get better now…

Not necessarily.