Part 10

24 days until she goes. He's counted them this morning. He tries not to think too much about that, but it's hard, because he has to count days; and therefore, every morning he has to think about Olivia leaving. He's worried, because he cares about her; he knows it's more than liking her, but not as much as loving her. It'd be easier if he could have stopped at liking her, because then he wouldn't be so sad. So, he's trying to stop at caring. But it's hard, especially since the day he ran away and she found him. They haven't talked about Tom since that day, but he feels warm and safe around her. Like around Fitz.

But he can't talk to them about the horrible stuff. It's just too scary. Sometimes, he really wants to, and the words are there, but they won't come out, it's like they are stuck somewhere in his throat, and it feels so tight that it hurts. When that happens, he starts drawing, or if Olivia or Fitz are there he snuggles up against them. They give him lots of hugs, and that's nice, because he knows that he can walk away if he wants to, he doesn't have to stay in the hug. When it gets really, really bad, he looks at the drawing Fitz gave him, of the two of them. It's in the table by his bed, so he can take a look at it whenever he wants, well, when he's not in the classroom.

It's so nice now. He can tell they're really good friends. The other day they were kissing, they hadn't realised he was there, and then they did and she went all funny and weird, but Fitz just smiled at him. They've been to the beach again, all three of them. He's getting better at swimming, he can go in without the armbands now. But what he really loves is looking at the sea. When he looks at the sea, every bad thing just goes away.

The other day, he was a bit upset because all the kids had to go into town, and that meant he wasn't going to spend the day with Olivia and Fitz. But then he saw all the shops, and the market, and the people, and before he knew it he was back at the orphanage with everybody else, and Olivia and Fitz came back from the beach – another beach, not his beach. And they looked all… it's hard to describe, it was as if they had lamps inside them and the lamps were switched on.

Sometimes, though, they look sad. Especially Olivia. Maybe she's thinking about her baby who died. He's never talked to her about that. Or to Fitz. But he really wanted to know what the baby was called, or how it got sick, but he couldn't ask them, he knew that. So instead he asked Abby. Josh. He loves that name. If he has a baby of his own, one day, he will call him Josh. He hopes they won't mind. Maybe they'll make another baby. That would be good, because that way Olivia wouldn't leave. But what he would love is all of them living together. That's what he wants. To not live at the orphanage, but to live with them. Especially Fitz. He cares about Olivia, but he loves Fitz. And that's different. He knows it won't happen though. Families live together, but he doesn't have a family anymore, so he has to live at the orphanage, but still it'd be nice if they could all live together. He thinks about it a lot, he tries to picture what it'd be like. They'd always eat together in the evenings, and he would sleep at Fitz's every night… it's be so good.

He knows what it's called. It's called a dream.

-x-

She's due to leave in a week, and she knows she has to talk to Fitz about it. Tonight. They've never mentioned it, but she can't avoid it any longer. She told David that as far as things stood ("meaning what, Olivia", he wanted to ask but didn't, "meaning given that Fitz and I have been sleeping together for over a month without sorting ourselves out?") she was leaving, but that there was a very slim chance that she might be able to say ("you mean, if I manage to get through to him?, well good luck with that, Olivia, but somehow...")

She knows David and Abby are worried about her. They've never commented on all those nights she hasn't slept at their house, or on the fact that she spends every bit of her free time with Fitz (and usually Zach as well.) But Abby once gently asked her whether she really knew what she was doing, at which point she replied that one way or the other, she didn't know, so she might as well grasp any bit of happiness and fun she could. Even she wasn't fooled by her answer. At least she knows they won't tell Eli about it – of that she is sure – so that's one thing not to worry about for when she gets home.

For she is most probably going back. Deep down, she knows that he can't give her what she needs. All she can hope for – and it's a tiny, tiny hope - is that her leaving will jolt him into realising how good things could be between them. Meanwhile, she still has to talk to him. She was really hoping that they would be able to get closer emotionally, but it hasn't happened. Once or twice, she tried to get him to talk about Josh, but he just wouldn't do it. ("There's no point, Olivia, it was horrible, the worst that could happen to anyone and it happened to us, and I can't bear to talk and relive it all.") He never once told her he loves her. Once, in the heat of their lovemaking, she did tell him she loved him. He smiled and drew her in to him but didn't respond. Yet, she knows he loves her: in fact, she has no doubt about that. But all he can say is that he needs her or wants her, and that's only when they're in bed, and she is finding it very painful.

"Hi…" He's sneaked behind her and wrapped her in his arms.

Not facing him yet, do it now, she tells herself; it's early evening, plenty of time for a long talk, neither of us is on call… She is enjoying the feel of him against her, all the more so as she knows it might be the last time they will be together like this.

Bravely, she turns to face him, ready to address the road that lies ahead. "Hi… Fitz… I… we've got to talk."

He goes very still for a few seconds. He's been dreading this moment for a while now.

"What about?" He's stalling, he knows it, she knows it.

She moves away from him. "Fitz… I'm booked on a flight home next week."

He swallows. "And?"

"What do you mean, 'and'?"

"Well…", he pauses, and then plunges into it. "Do you want to be on that flight?" He asks, as evenly as he can.

She walks over to the window and for a few moments looks down into the street, not really seeing anything. Then: "Give me one good reason why I should stay."

He knows what she is asking him to do. She wants him to tell her that he loves her, that he wants them to have another go, a real go, not a bubble of lovemaking. But he isn't sure he can do that, so he doesn't say anything, aware of the pain he is inflicting on her, but unwilling to lie.

His silence is tearing her apart. "Fitz… when we got together again… what did you think was going to happen? I mean… you knew I was going to leave at some point…"

He sighs. "I hadn't thought that far. I just wanted… I just wanted to enjoy it for what it was, without complications and problems."

She can't believe he's just said that. "You mean, just sex? Is that it? Is that all it meant to you?!"

"No!". He's aghast at how badly he expressed himself, at how unfair she is though. "Liv, how could you think that of me, how could you think it was nothing more than that…"

"Well, you tell me… What was it, then?"

"I don't know", he whispers. "I… Liv, I'm sorry, I don't know."

Her chin begins to tremble, and he can't bear to see how much of an effort she is making not to cry in front of him. "Liv… please, stay… give us more time, please", he pleads.

"Until when, Fitz?! I mean, you don't even know how long you want to stay here for! You have no plan for the future, no idea of what you want to do with your life… why should I wait for someone who, who…" She is so upset she can't carry on.

"That's not fair, Olivia! I know I won't stay here forever! Look, I've been here almost six months… and… I guess in a couple of months it'll be time for me to go home." He's beginning to panic now, because he realises that she's right, that he doesn't really know what he'll do, and that he's clutching at straws to make her stay. "Listen", he presses her, "stay for a couple more months, you're so needed here and… stay for Zach, if not for me. Please."

She shakes her head. "Ah. Zach", she snorts. "And what will happen to him exactly when you decide to leave?"

He looks away, ashamed of himself already for what he's about to say. "With Zach, I... I haven't thought that far ahead either".

That really does it for her. "My God, Fitz, you're burying your head in the sand!" She can't hide how exasperated she is. "You know as well as I do that he needs extensive and long term therapy, with possibly art therapy as well, and that he won't get it here!"

"What am I supposed to do? You tell me! Because, I hate to remind you, Olivia, but I can't simply take him with me back home! I'm not his guardian, I have no rights over him!"

"You could always adopt him", she says, gently, not taking her eyes off him.

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Olivia! I can't adopt him! I mean… come on, I can't turn myself into a single father at my age!"

She looks at him with something close to pity. "But you already are, Fitz. Whether you want it or not, you already are."

She's hit so close to the bone that he lashes out. "How dare you go all preachy on me! He loves you as much as he loves me, so don't you dare get angry with me because I might be leaving him behind, when you yourself are going next week…"

"No, Fitz. Yes, he loves me… although he is trying to convince himself he doesn't. But you know and I know, that out of the two of us, it's you he needs most." She pauses, and then, with great difficulty, she states: "When I go, he'll be devastated. But when… if, you go and leave him, it will destroy him. Face it Fitz, this little boy chose you, and you let him do that. You let him get more and more attached to you, and not merely for his sake, but also for yours! Because you need him as much he needs you! So you should face up to the consequences!"

They both fall silent, not knowing how to go from there. How could it go so wrong so quickly, he thinks bleakly? Yesterday, we were happy, and relaxed with each other, and today she's telling me she's leaving, just like that and… "I don't know what you want from me, Olivia."

Her eyes fill with tears. "I want… I need you to feel able to accept that Zach means as much to you as… as Josh did. And I need you to be able to tell me you love me. Because I know you do. And I think you know it too. But you can't tell me. And I need you to be honest about that too." She stops, because what she has to say now is the hardest part. "Fitz… when… when Josh died, you were everything I had ever wanted you to be. You were loving and supportive and you really reached out to me, no matter how much you were grieving… and… and I rejected you. I threw it all back into your face. And I said some horrible things to you." She's crying openly now. "I don't really have an excuse. Just that… I had never gone through such hell before and I was so scared… I was so scared that if I let you in, then what would happen if you too were to die…"

He can't stand much more of this pain. "Liv, please, don't put yourself… don't put us through this, please, it's all in the past and…"

"But it's not! Don't you see that?!" She cries, forcing the words out through her tears. "It's there, between us, all the time, and you won't talk about it, because that would force you to admit that you've never forgiven me for it, and that you can't trust me again!"

He's gone very pale. He knows she's right, and there is nothing he can say now to rescue this. "I'm sorry, Liv… I'm so sorry", he whispers.

She nods, once. "I'll stay at David's until I go home. And I'll talk to Zach."

As she leaves, she turns around to face him. "I love you, Fitz."

And closes the door behind her. Very gently.