You & I

Twelve

ELIZA'S POV

What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously?

How could I go to Arizona's apartment and tell her I want to slow us down? How could I say those things and expect her to just wait around for me? In a way, I do want to slow down and take a step back, but not because of her or how I feel about us. Because it's best all round if I'm not in the picture while she's going through her divorce. I don't want her to get side-tracked and I don't want Suzanna to always be in my face.

Sure, I can hold my own where that bitch is concerned, but I don't want to spend this time with Arizona, fighting with Suzanna. This isn't any of my business. Of course, I want to be there for her when she needs me, but by doing that, I'm putting myself in a position where I'll get hurt. Whether that is through Suzanna's insults, or Arizona and I disagreeing on something regarding all of this, one or both of us will get hurt.

I understand that she was concerned that I don't trust her, but deep down…I do. Deep down, I trust her like I've never trusted anyone in my life. Actually, I probably trust her more than I trust myself. Still, I walked away from her apartment ten minutes ago…leaving her hurt. Just like I knew it would all plan out.

Pushing through the heavy glass doors I haven't walked through since last week, I take the elevator to the floor of the business and try to remain calm. I may have hurt Arizona and she isn't likely to ever speak to me again, but I want to say some final words to Suzanna, too. I want her to know that I'm not going to get in the way of her divorce, or her life.

She will probably laugh at me in her expensive Louboutin heels and kick me out the door, but I'm prepared for that. I'm prepared for whatever she says to me. Honestly, she can't hurt me with her words any more than she already has.

Stepping off the elevator, I make my way down the corridor, knocking on Suzanna's office door. "Come in…"

Pushing the door open, I find her sitting at her desk, taking a call. Motioning for me to sit down in the chair facing her, I close the door and slowly make my way inside. Ending her call, she sets the receiver down in its place and studies my face. "What can I do for you, Eliza?"

"I know you probably don't care for anything I have to say, but I'd still like you to listen…"

"First, I want to apologize." She gives me a sad smile. "Those things I said to you, it was abhorrent. That isn't what I think at all."

"O-Okay." I furrow my brow, now totally thrown.

"Arizona has made it clear that you are who she loves and I accept that." Suzanna nods. "I accept that and I'm letting her go."

"Loves me?" I laugh, a sudden anxiety settling in the pit of my stomach. "I think you're getting ahead of yourself…"

"Oh, they're not my words." She shakes her head, relaxing back in her seat.

"S-She said that to you?" I stutter, realizing I've made a huge mistake. "She actually told you that."

"Yes." She glances at her watch. "Some three hours ago…"

"I, uh…" Dropping my gaze, I shake my head. "I should go…"

"You came here for a reason, no?"

"I did but suddenly it doesn't matter." I smile awkwardly. "I just wanted you to know that I wouldn't get in the way while the divorce was going through. That it isn't my business…"

"You left her, didn't you?" Suzanna sits forward, her elbows resting on the desk between us. "You walked away…"

"Shit." My response barely above a whisper, my hands feel clammy.

"That was foolish." She sighs. "Arizona isn't one you let go, Eliza. She isn't here to play you or take you for granted. If she loves you, she really loves you."

"I-I didn't know…"

"Perhaps she wasn't ready to tell you yet." Suzanna raises her eyebrow. "And I know it isn't my business to get involved, but I suppose I owe her one."

"I should really go…" I stand, straightening myself out. "She uh, she said she has to leave for a business trip tomorrow…"

"Hmm…" Suzanna narrows her eyes. "A business trip is usually code for 'I'm leaving town to fuck anything with a pulse'."

"R-Right." I nod, my hand settling on the door handle. "T-Thanks."

"I'd move your ass if I were you, Eliza." Suzanna ushers me away. "She won't hang around waiting for you forever."

"Bye, Suzanna."

Rushing out of her office, my walk turns into a run as I head straight for the elevator. I don't know if Arizona will open the door to me, or if she will give me the time of day, but I have to try. I made a mistake in asking her for space, but I thought it was what we both needed. If we were ever going to come out of this together…I truly believed it was the best thing for us. I understand that I was wrong, and I'll hold my hands up to that.

Come on, Minnick. Get your girl before she falls into someone else's arms…

Pushing multiple buzzers, I shift uncomfortably from left to right, the New York winter air chilling me to the bone. Yes, it's crisp and refreshing, but this evening…it's simply a pain in my ass. Relieved when the lock of the door clicks, I rush inside and take the stairs rather than the elevator. I don't have time to stand around and the more I do, the more anxious I feel.

Taking them two at a time, I reach Arizona's floor, moving towards her apartment door. I can hear low music playing on the other side of it, but I need to be inside with her. I need to apologize and hope to god she forgives me. If she didn't, I'd only have myself to blame, but I guess I owe it to the both of us to try.

Knocking gently, I listen for any movement but I'm rewarded with silence. A deafening silence. Music may be playing, but to me…silence is the only thing I hear. Silence and the sound of my own heartbeat. Knocking again, the music cuts out and I hear footsteps. Footsteps that could potentially end my life. My relationship once and for all.

"Eliza?" Arizona furrows her brow as the door opens. "W-Why are you here?"

"Because I'm an asshole." I give her a sad smile. "And I'd really like to come inside so you can tell me why you're crying." Stepping closer, I brush a tear from her jawline, her eyes red and puffy. "Please?"

"D-Don't." She swats my hand away. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not…and neither am I."

"You seemed perfectly fine earlier when you said you needed space…"

"Please, I don't want to do this out here," I beg. "I know what I said hurt, but I really need you to let me inside so I can apologize."

"Okay…" Her voice low, Arizona steps aside and grants me access to her apartment. That soft, comforting scent I've come to know and loves hits me square in the face, causing a small smile to settle on my mouth. "I just…I don't know why you're here."

Standin' on the platform

Watching you go

It's like no other pain

I've ever known

To love someone so much

To have no control

You said, "I wanna see the world"

And I said, "Go"

"I thought by leaving, I was doing the right thing." Sighing, I turn to face Arizona. "I thought if I let you go through this without me, we would be better off at the end of it."

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Honestly, I don't know." I shrug. "I figured if I wasn't around, I couldn't influence anything. I didn't want a fight between us to become a possibility and I'd already made a comment when I texted you earlier."

But I think I'm lost without you

I just feel crushed without you

I've been strong for so long

That I never thought how much I needed you

I think I'm lost without you

"Yeah, that was kinda shitty." Arizona agrees, wrapping her arms around herself. "Did you think I'd go back to her?"

"Deep down, no." I shake my head. "But when you left my place this morning, I wasn't sure when I'd see you again. I wasn't sure we'd be together again…"

"Why?"

"Because I know what she's like…Suzanna." I rest back against the kitchen counter. "I know she has it all, so much more than me. I just…I panicked. I didn't give myself a moment to think about what I was saying or doing. I'm sorry."

"You left…" Arizona says.

"I know."

Strangers rushin' past

Just tryna get home

But you were the only

Safe haven that I've known

Hits me at full speed

Feel like I can't breathe

And nobody knows

This pain inside me

My world is crumbling

I should never have

Let you go

"I didn't want you to leave." Her eyes find mine. "I didn't want to hear all that stuff you said. How you don't trust me. How you needed space and to step back."

"I never meant it…" I admit as Arizona closes the distance between us. "I never meant anything I said."

"It still hurt." Her voice breaks. "What do you want from me, Eliza?"

"You," I say. "Your love. Your happiness. That undeniable feeling I have when I'm with you. Alone, just us."

"What undeniable feeling?" Arizona's forehead creases.

I think I'm lost without you

I think I'm lost, lost, lost

I think I'm lost without you, you

I just feel crushed without you

'Cause I've been strong for so long

That I never thought how much I love you

"That I love you." My words fall freely from my mouth. "That I want a life with you. A home. A career. That I've never felt this way about anyone in my life…"

"Y-You, just…" She stops in front of me, unsure as to whether she should come any closer.

"I just what?" I hold out my hand, taking hers and pulling her towards me. "Huh?"

"You just said…" Arizona shakes her head. "Never mind…"

"That I love you?" Her body presses against mine. "Because I do…"

"I-I love you, too." Our foreheads connect, her deep blue eyes holding mine. "I've known it since the moment I met you."

Standin' on the platform

Watching you go

You said, "I wanna see the world"

And I said, "Go"

"You've no idea how much I want this with you, Arizona."

"I thought I did." Her eyes close. "I thought I saw it all with you…"

"You don't anymore?" My voice quivers.

"I-I don't know."

"Please, Arizona…"

"I'm trying to distance myself from you but it's impossible." A tear slips down her face. "I'm trying to give you what you want. Space. Time alone. Whatever it is you feel you need…but it's hard."

"I don't want any of those things," I whisper against her mouth. "I thought I did, but I don't. I just want you."

"Then why did you say it?" She asks, her eyes still firmly on mine. "Why did you walk away?"

"Fear," I admit. "That feeling of not being good enough for you. Torment, for what you're about to go through. All shitty reasons, but reasons, nonetheless."

"I appreciate your honesty."

"It's all I can give you…" I sigh. "I want a future with you, Arizona." I smile. "I want to wake up in your arms every morning, but I'm scared that one day…you'll wake up and realize the mistake you made in choosing me rather than her, whether you're together or not."

"If only you knew how much I want a future with you…"

"You really do?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"So much."

"I'm sorry I said what I did earlier." My lips press against Arizona's. "I'm sorry I made you feel this way…"

"I want it all with you, Eliza," Arizona admits. "And I know that probably isn't possible, but I want whatever I can get with you…"

Okay, what does that even mean?

"I want it all with you, too."

"That's not true." Her lips brush mine. "But I'm okay with that…"

"It is true…"

"I know you've been through absolute hell, Eliza. I know you don't feel like any of this could ever be truly good, but it will be. I promise you."

"I know it will." My nose brushes Arizona's. "I know Suzanna realizes what's happening now…"

"How did you come to that realization?"

"I went to her office," I admit. "I wasn't sure how it would work out, but it worked out better than I imagined."

"Y-You went to the office?"

"I did." I nod, slightly. "You're not mad, are you?"

"No." She sighs. "What did she say?"

"Nothing I expected from her." I laugh, my hands slipping beneath Arizona's shirt and settling against her bare skin. "That I'd be a fool to walk away from you."

"S-She said that?" Arizona pulls back, studying my eyes. "She really said that to you?"

"She did."

"Wow, okay." Arizona seems shocked but I get that. I was shocked when Suzanna was so normal with me. Like, she was wishing us well. "Not what I expected."

"No, me neither." I lift one hand from her body, cupping her face. "I'm so sorry, Arizona."

"It's okay." Her eyes focus between us, her gaze dropping.

"No, it's not okay." I counter, curling my finger under her chin. "But I need you to know that I love you…"

"God…" Her eyes close, a tear slipping from them. "I never thought I'd hear those words coming from you."

"You'll hear them a lot more from now on…" My lips press softly against hers. "I should never have walked away from here earlier."

"Please, don't do it again…"

"I won't." I grip her jaw gently, feeling her lean into my touch. "From this moment on, you're stuck with me."

Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always. The song was 'Lost Without You' by Freya Ridings. Check it out, her voice is haunting and beautiful.