Part 12

Finally, finally, it's worked. Two months of trips to the capital city, of fighting with various officials, of bribing whomever was willing to be bribed, of organising everything… and now, he's made all the phone calls that needed making, written all the letters that needed to be written, got the answers he wanted, and now, it's done. There's one last thing he has to do, and he's never felt so nervous in his life. Not even when he got married, all those years ago. Not even in Vermont, when he suddenly found himself alone with Olivia in his cabin… after… he doesn't want to go there now, he can't go there now. What matters is what he has to do tonight.

He goes and picks Zach up from the orphanage, and at the sight of his worried expression, his heart melts. Zach looks even more anxious than before these days, and it's obvious he misses Olivia dreadfully, but he never talks about her. He reads her letters and talks to her on the phone, but he never talks about her, so he himself doesn't mention her name, no matter how much he wants to. She always contrives to phone at the orphanage at times when he isn't doing his rounds. So, he's tried to slow his rounds down, he's lingered a bit - a lot - hoping that the phone would ring when he was there. But it didn't. Zach has never shown him her letters, or the photos she's sent. He would so much love to see them, just to feel that there still is some connection, even just a one-sided connection. But he doesn't want to make things harder for Zach than they are, so he doesn't ask. If Zach wants to keep his relationship with Olivia separate, he'll just have to accept it, however hard it is.

But tonight, that's not even the most important thing. After dinner, he settles Zach on the sofa. He doesn't know where to start. Well, start from the beginning, he tells himself, it's simple this way, less abrupt.

"Zach", he says hesitantly, "Zach, there's something I need to tell you… you see…" He stopped: Zach looks more frightened than he's ever seen him look before.

"Zach, what's wrong?"

Zach's chin begins to tremble, and his eyes are filling with tears. "You're leaving", he states. "That's what you want to tell me."

He's stunned. "Zach, where did you get that idea from?!"

"It's because… when Olivia said she was leaving she got all serious like you, and she said those words exactly. And I heard David the other day, he was saying you could go back to the US, and you didn't say anything, so I knew." He's crying openly now but doesn't seem to realise it. He draws himself upright, and says, stoically: "But that's OK. It's not your home here."

"Oh Zach…" His throat is so tight that he can't talk. Then: "Zach, look at me. Please, look at me."

Zach looks up, with great difficulty. He wants to be strong, he doesn't want Fitz to see how upset he is. "Zach. I'm not leaving you. I promise, OK?"

Zach looks so uncertain, so unsure, that he knows he has to jump straight in. "Zach, listen. I'd like to go back to the US. But not without you. So, I wanted to ask you…" He clears his throat. This is it, he thinks, this is really it. "Would you like… would you like to come and live with me? In the US?"

This time, the expression on Zach's face is almost comical but also gut wrenchingly painful. He swallows. "You mean, you mean for good? Forever?"

Fitz's eyes are prickling with tears. "Yes, Zach, forever."

"You mean… you mean we'd be like a family?"

He nods. He can't speak to save his life right now.

"You mean… would you be like… my dad?"

"Do you… do you want me to be your dad?" That's the hardest question he's ever had to ask. Harder even than asking Olivia not to leave, two months before.

And Zach isn't answering, he's just staring at him and Fitz is getting worried. "Zach, listen, it doesn't mean you have to forget about your mum and dad, or that you can't ever talk about them. It's just…" He doesn't know how to put it. And he doesn't have to: Zach simply huddles up right against him and sneaks his arms around his waist.

And nods.

-x-

Zach falls asleep, finally, a couple of hours after take-off, and for the first time since the day he's agreed to move to the US with Fitz, Fitz gets some time to himself to think back over the events of the last two weeks. Deep down, he really wasn't sure about Zach's reaction. Mostly, he wasn't sure how Zach would feel about leaving Africa. If Zach had refused to go with him, he would have stayed with him in Ghana, just so as not to uproot him again. But now, he's deeply relieved. In fact, he was surprised at Zach's apparent lack of worries about living in a totally foreign continent, until Abby pointed out to him that as far as Zach was concerned, home was where Fitz was. And living in the US is best for both of them: it's where Fitz's life is, at the end of the day, but it's also where Zach will get the professional, psychological help he so desperately needs.

At first, Fitz wanted to settle in Vermont: for one, it is far less busy than the city – but then Sally Langston, the Chief of Staff at Washington Memorial, offered him his old job back. He didn't want it initially: there were too many painful memories in Washington. But then, he realised that as a single father, he would have to get all the help he needed from friends – and that he had very few of those in Vermont, whereas in Washington, Eli and Maya would be at hand. So, he told Sally he would return as head of anesthetics, but not to oversee ITU, and he would only work a regular 9 to 5, with only one night shift a month, and that he would start a month after his arrival in the US. Seeing as the position had been vacant since his departure, she was in no position to refuse.

He will need that extra month to settle Zach in, and sort out schooling, counselling and so on. But also, to get his own bearings back, to reconnect with Eli, and mostly to find his feet as Zach's parent. Strictly speaking, he's not his adoptive father yet: he's his legal guardian. As such he can take him to live away from Ghana and Rwanda, but the adoption procedure is complex and will take a while, since it will involve the US, as well as those two countries. He's confident that he will succeed, though: older, displaced and orphaned children like Zach are difficult cases for any government, so if someone comes along and is willing to adopt them, why not.

He can't believe he's got to that point. When David told him, three months ago, that the Red Cross was closing the orphanage down, and that Zach, with the other kids, would have to be moved to another refugee camp, he couldn't take it in. Then he decided that, in that case, he would go and work as a doctor in whatever camp Zach would be going. At which point David suggested adoption, and then blew his top when Fitz told him, as he had told Olivia, that it was a ridiculous idea.

He doesn't want to dwell on that row, well, not a row exactly, but more a case of David vituperating at the top of his lungs as his inability to see the obvious, his ability to bury his head in the sand, his lack of emotional openness… Again, Olivia's words. And although David was explicitly talking about his relationship with Zach, he knew that he was also reprimanding him for his failure to overcome his lack of trust and forgiveness towards Olivia.

Sometimes he feels like he's had his fill of having his weaknesses and failures being thrown in his face. Although, as far as Zach was concerned, he has to admit that David - and Olivia- were right. So here he is, homebound, with the daily care and responsibility of a wonderful and damaged little boy whom he loves as much as he loved his baby son.

But God it's hard. There's so much to think about. Like yesterday, when he realised a day before the flight that he'd been so focused on the legal stuff (getting the guardianship papers in order, a passport for Zach, etc) that he had no furniture for Zach, no children clothes suitable for American weather, no toys, no books, nothing. He called Eli and Maya's house at 7am US time and Maya answered. The conversation they had over the phone has been threatening to play over and over again in his head, but he's managed to push it aside in the chaos of packing, checking in, and reassuring Zach who was worried the plane would crash, however, now that he's got time and space, he can't push it away anymore... "God, Fitz, I've just got home and been on shift all night, couldn't it wait until, like, tonight when Eli picks you up? What? Oh bummer, actually, you're right, it couldn't wait, it's been raining non-stop. Don't worry, I'll go and get him a couple of pairs of trousers and jumpers, as well as a raincoat. Actually, I'll get Eli to get them. Can you imagine", she chuckled – "Eli wandering around the kids department and picking out clothes for a 7 year old… Anything else? OK, and a couple of DVDs, and some books, to get him started. Fine. What? You must be joking! No, we're not going to buy him a kid bed today! He can sleep in your guest room on the double bed for a few nights… What? Oh, why your guest bedroom and not Josh's old room?" Silence, and then, very gently: "Fitz, the day you left for Ghana, I don't know how much of it you remember but… you found Olivia in the middle of packing away Josh's stuff from his bedroom. You got very angry with her because she hadn't asked you about it. And she followed you to your bedroom, and then downstairs, trying to talk. But you stormed out, straight to catch your flight." She paused, obviously trying to find the least painful way to say it, but it was useless, because he could already feel the pain. "Fitz, from what she told me, she packed her own things straightaway, and left. She left all of Josh's stuff there, his cot, his clothes, his toys, all of it as it was. She hasn't set foot in the house, let alone in Josh's bedroom, since then. She just couldn't."

At that point he couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. And he must have remained silent for a very long time, because Maya suddenly asked, very softly, very kindly: "Do you want us to go and sort out Josh's room today? There's plenty of time before you get here." All he could do was to thank her, and to whisper, in a strangled voice, that it wasn't necessary, that he would do it when the time was right.

A few hours on, he's still very shaken by Maya's words. And scared. Because they force him to do what he's avoided doing for weeks: to think about Olivia. Not simply miss her, not simply wish she were there. But to really think about her and Josh.

To think about them.