You & I

Fourteen

ELIZA'S POV

I could really get used to this place. I'm not entirely sure where we are, but we left New York this morning and arrived at Arizona's parents place some five hours later. It's calm. Peaceful. Probably everything we need in our lives right now. I know I'm generally a workaholic, but having some downtime is nice. Especially when you have the opportunity to stare at Arizona and her fine body during said downtime.

Last night ended quite well for us considering the last couple of days and how I messed up, but I get the impression that Arizona is waiting for me to disappear again. I feel like she's just sitting here...waiting until I walk out. That's not going to happen, but can I really blame her for feeling that way? Can I honestly say she's being overly dramatic for worrying about our relationship? No, I can't. She has every right to question things. She has every right to mull over this in her head. She may be the definition of perfect to me, but she's only human. Human, with a world of emotions going on inside.

I see it when I watch her. When she's sitting quietly, watching TV...or during the drive here. I could see the look of worry in her eyes. The uncertainty about us. About me. I saw it and I didn't like it. Arizona has been amazing and she deserves more than that. She deserves someone who isn't going to disappear when things get a little tough. Yes, everyone is entitled to have a moment and everyone is allowed to be scared, but I promised her I was all in...and then left. How is she ever supposed to trust me if I can't stick to a simple promise? How can she ever relax around me if she's fearful of something happening between us?

Clearing my throat, I focus on Arizona's profile. "Great place."

"Mm, mom and dad left it to me..."

"What happened?" I ask, hoping I haven't overstepped. "Tell me to mind my own business. I won't be offended."

"Jet ski accident." She glances my way. "Ten years ago..."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." She gives me a small smile. "Life happens."

"Do you come here a lot?"

"I used to." Arizona wraps her hand around her cup filled with hot chocolate. "I felt close to them here. Then as the years passed, I came here less." She shrugs. "Suzanna hated coming here but I didn't like bringing her because she didn't appreciate the beauty of this place."

"Yeah, it's certainly something else." I glance around, taking in the original features and the warmth of the open fireplace. "It's homely..."

"I thought about moving in here once..."

"But you didn't, why?" I turn in my seat, facing Arizona fully.

"I prefer the city." She says. "I love this place but New York is it for me."

"I do like the city." I smile. "But this place? God, I never wanna leave..."

"I'm happy you like it here." Arizona snuggles down under the blanket, sitting at the opposite end of the huge plush couch we've been stuck to since we arrived. "If someone doesn't appreciate it, they don't come again. It's as simple as that..."

"Well, I'm grateful that you brought me here." I lean in, taking her hand. "Really grateful."

"I knew you'd enjoy it." Arizona squeezes my hand. "You and I are into the same kinda things. So, I knew you'd appreciate it and enjoy spending time here."

"Yeah?" My smile grows wider.

"Mmhmm." Arizona sips her drink. "Maybe it'll become a regular thing."

"I'd love that." Shifting closer, I take Arizona's cup from her hand and lean forward, setting it down on the coffee table. "But first, I want to truly apologize for what I said to you yesterday."

"It's okay, Eliza."

"No, it's not." I disagree. "You didn't deserve that. You deserve so much more than me walking away because I'm scared. I really am so sorry."

"Hey, it's forgotten about." She drops her gaze.

"Hey..." I lift her head, curling my fingers under her chin. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Arizona smiles as I lean in, my lips ghosting over hers. "Just...be mine, Eliza."

"I am." My heart skips a beat. "Completely."

"My life has the potential to really fall into place with you." She says, her eyes never leaving mine. "Everything I've ever wanted...I know I can have with you."

"What do you want?" I ask, settling between her legs. "Tell me what you want."

"Happiness." She sighs. "Just that complete love I always imagined. A future with you and whatever else comes with that."

"Whatever else comes with it?" My forehead creases.

"Yeah, just whatever you want." I feel like she has something she wants to say but I could be wrong. Something in her voice sounds like she's holding back.

"What exactly is it you're thinking about?" I ask, hoping she'll elaborate.

"Nothing in particular." Her eyes lose focus and I know she's lying.

"It's about the bakery, isn't it?" I sigh. "I really appreciate your offer but I'll find something else I'm good at."

"It's actually nothing to do with the bakery." Arizona smiles. "You've made it clear that you don't want it and I accept that."

"Then what is it?" My forehead creases. "Are you not happy?"

"In this moment...I'm unbelievably happy." She brushes some stray strands of hair from my face. "You make me happier than I've ever been..."

"But?"

"But nothing." Arizona shrugs. "Just something you said last week when we were at my place."

"What did I say?"

"How you'd had plans with Ali." Arizona sinks further down into the couch, her arms wrapping around me. "You know, what you guys had planned for the future…"

"We had a lot of plans, Arizona." I give her a knowing look. "You'll have to be more specific."

"Eliza..." She clears her throat. "What do you see in your future?" She asks. "In this moment...what do you see?"

"I see you..." I smile fully. "I see us, doing exactly this." I rest up, pressing a kiss to Arizona's lips. "Holding one another. Relaxed. Just...in love."

"Okay." She nods. "Then that is our future."

"You're being weird." I furrow my brow. "What's going on?"

Arizona doesn't strike me as the kind of woman who would sit with her thoughts, never letting me in on them. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who just settles for what's on offer. If she has something she wants to discuss, I'd rather she just came right out and said it. I mean, she's talking about the plans I had with Ali. That alone is weird.

"Just relax, Eliza. That's the reason we're here."

"Sure, yeah." Settling down and relaxing against my girlfriend, my mind begins to wander. I don't know what's going on with Arizona, but she's driving me insane.

"How was dinner?" Arizona rounds the kitchen island, stepping up behind me.

"Great." I glance back over my shoulder, she's watching me. "You enjoy it?"

"I did." She sips her wine, resting back against the counter. "You were a little quiet."

"Sorry." I smile. "Just enjoying being here with you."

"At least I'm doing something right, huh?" Refilling her wine glass, I finish loading the dishwasher and turn around to face her. "Anything you wanna do this evening?"

"Actually, yes." I glance out the window, rain pelting the glass panes. "Since the weather ain't great, I figured we could talk."

"About what?" She looks at me with confusion. "Is something wrong?"

"No, not at all." I try to reassure her, my body relaxing and my voice soft. "Just thought it would be good to be on the same page. You know, after what you said earlier?"

"Eliza." She sets her glass down, approaching me. "We don't have to do this. I'm happy. You're happy. Let's just keep it that way, yeah?"

"Sure." I nod. "But I still want to talk to you."

"Right, okay." Arizona sighs, turning around and walking away from me. "You coming back over here to join me?" She flops down on the couch, relaxing back under the blanket.

"Too right I am." I agree, taking my own glass of red wine from the counter.

"Come here." Opening her arms out, Arizona motions for me to come closer. "I don't want you to worry about anything we said earlier, Eliza. I promise...we're good."

"You have plans, don't you?" I give her a sad smile. "Things you're hoping for in your future..."

"Honestly, I thought I'd be stuck with Suzanna for the rest of my life, so what I have now...I'm more than happy with."

"That may be true, but I know something is on your mind." I take her hand, squeezing it. "Talk to me, Arizona. Tell me what you're thinking..."

"You said you and Ali aren't together anymore so your future doesn't matter."

"O...kay." I listen intently.

"And I know this is stupid, and I'd never be lucky enough to find someone who wanted the absolute world with me...but I guess for just a split second, I imagined it."

"Imagined what?"

"God..." She breathes out, clearly nervous. "Just...this can't come between us and I'm more than happy with what I have with you, Eliza."

"Arizona..." I stare her down.

"I mean, it's way too soon to even think what I'm thinking." She laughs. "And honestly, I'm way too old for half the things I want in life..."

"Huh?" I furrow my brow.

"We've been together for like what? A couple of weeks." She snorts. "Even that turned to shit most of the time..."

"Arizona, stop rambling." I press a kiss to the back of her hand.

"Kids." She blurts out. "You said now that Ali and you aren't together, it didn't matter anymore."

"O-Oh." My eyes widen. "Right, yeah." My hand slips from Arizona's as she pulls her own away. "Arizona."

"No." She holds up her hand. "You asked and now I've told you. So now, we forget about it and move forward."

"It's not really as simple as that though, is it?"

"Why not?" She sits forward, running her fingers through her hair. "Why can't it be as simple as forgetting about it and living our lives."

"Because you've just told me that you see kids in your future." I give her a sad smile. "Something I can't provide..."

"You don't know that." She smiles sweetly. "But as you said...it doesn't matter."

"I looked into it." I sigh. "I know I told you I didn't, but I did."

"Looked into what?" Arizona faces me fully.

"Kids." I clear my throat. "I hoped everything would work out okay, but I guess my luck ran out at that part." Shrugging, I can feel tears pricking my eyes. "Guess some things just aren't meant to be..."

"I'm so sorry, Eliza." Arizona grips my hand.

"It's okay." I give my girlfriend a weak smile. "I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be childless a long time ago." It breaks my heart knowing I'll never have what I always wanted, but I'm alive. Doesn't that count for something? "I'm not sure I'm completely over the fact that I have someone like you in my life yet..."

"I wish things could've been different for you." Arizona's voice breaks."You deserve everything you've ever wanted."

"I'm no different to anyone else in this world." I appreciate her words, but there are millions of women out there in the same position as me. I'm not the first and I won't be the last. "I'm just grateful to be alive..."

"Yeah, I'm grateful, too." Arizona presses a kiss to my lips. "So grateful."

"I'm sorry you can't have that future with me, Arizona." I pull back, a tear slipping down my face. "If I could have that with you, I would."

"Yeah?" Her smile widens, our foreheads connecting. "You'd want that with me?"

"I'd be a fool to not want that with you," I admit. "You'd be an amazing mom."

"Oh god." Her voice trembles.

"Hey..." My nose brushes hers. "Whatever happens, I'd never make you stay if you had that opportunity with someone else..."

"I could." She whispers, her eyes flickering closed. "Down the line...I could."

"I know you could." My heart sinks into my stomach. "And I'd never keep you from that."

"I mean, I could...for us." Arizona's eyes open, focusing on mine. "If you wanted that with me one day, I could do it."

"You mean..." I furrow my brow, pulling back. "You'd carry?"

"If that's what you wanted..."

"You'd do that for me?" Fresh tears fall.

"I'm pretty sure I'd do just about anything for you, Eliza." She cups my face.

"Wow..." I breathe out. "I just thought it would never happen. Ali couldn't carry and then I discovered I couldn't...it didn't occur to me that you could do it."

"Just so we're clear..." Arizona studies my eyes. "I'm carrying for us, not for you and Ali."

"Hey...I love you." I say with certainty. "I just meant that I never thought it could happen."

"I know." Arizona pulls me into her lap and I straddle her legs. "I'm just joking..."

"You're something else, you know that?"

"I want us to be happy, Eliza." Her thumb trails my cheek. "I know we're a long way off, but it's good to be on the same page in terms of what we want."

"Yeah, it is." Something inside of me has changed. A weight I didn't know I'd been carrying has lifted and I feel lighter than I have in two years. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Her soft hands settling on my thighs, Arizona stares at me. "Being here with you, alone, god...it's more than I ever thought I'd have. You make me so happy that it's ridiculous." Gripping me by the back of the neck, she pulls me down against her and crushes her lips into my own. "You mean the world to me...and I wouldn't want to ever be here with anybody else."

"Thank you for noticing me..." I whisper against her mouth. "In that bar."

"I couldn't take my eyes off you." Her hand slips up my tee. "All I wanted was to know you."

"Yeah?"

"God, yes." She smiles. "You just seemed totally different to the rest. How you looked at me. How you paid attention to my every move. I knew you were the one I was supposed to know."

"Can we stay like this forever?" I ask, my body pressing against Arizona's. "Just...like this."

"Sounds perfect." My tee disappears from my body. "You are perfect. Every inch of you..."

"You make me feel how I used to," I admit. "You make me feel normal."

"You're beautiful." She takes my bottom lip between her teeth, her hands trailing up my stomach and grazing the scars I've come to embrace in Arizona's presence. "You. God, you're so fucking gorgeous." Her hands slip around my back as she pulls me in close. "Gorgeous and mine."

"I am." I agree, my smile wider than its ever been. "Fuck, I'm so yours."

Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.