Part 14

So that's what full time parenting is like, then. He had no idea, because Mellie had brought up Karen (their daughter) without much input from him, busy as he was with his work, and then Olivia did the lionshare of looking after Josh. So what a steep learning curve this is. The practical things of course, but more importantly the emotional stuff: reassuring Zach about school, taking him to the counsellor twice a week, picking up the pieces after a particularly difficult session, finding things to do with him during the day until he starts school, easing him into a good relationship with Eli and Maya…

Exhausting, but wonderful. Those DVDs they watch together: somehow Zach adores westerns. Not his cup of tea usually, but seeing them through the eyes of a 7 year old somehow enhances their appeal. The walks they've managed to take despite the weather. Yesterday he took Zach to the coast to look at the sea, and once again delighted at the little boy's ability to lose himself in the moment, to absorb it all, to be awed at such magnificent views… Cooking for him, and with him too, as he's begun to let Zach help around the house… teaching him new words, new ideas, new things… And now, taking him to school, and picking him up, and have him tell him about his classes and the other kids at school, reassuring him on the first day that of course they wouldn't talk to him much, as they don't know him, rejoicing with him on the seventh day (Zach counted them) that one other boy, another kid from Rwanda, wanted to sit next to him in class, saying that yes, of course, he could invite him over to the house to play and do stuff. "You mean, even for a sleepover?", "Well, I'll have to talk to his parents about it, but sure, why not?" His throat still tightens when he thinks of the expression on Zach's face at that point.

He loves all of this and feels deep regret that he has missed it with his daughter, and that he would never live through it with Josh.

In fact, he has begun to call Karen more often. Having been estranged for too many years, slowly, the pair were starting to rebuild bridges. The breakdown in their relationship had been entirely his fault; he had failed her miserably after the death of her mother. The catalyst being his complete inability to cope with her grief, as well as his own. Blinded by his sorrow, he had made the regretful decision to send her away; to finish her schooling in a prestigious boarding school in New York. Mellie had family in New York, whom (following numerous discussion after the funeral), had promised to keep a close eye on her, and in fairness to them, they did and have continued to do so. At the time, he truly believed he was doing the right thing by her, but looking back, he knows his judgement was grossly altered. Subsequently, it has taken a great deal of effort on his part to restore the tentative relationship they have now. So, when it came to Zach, she had to be told about the adoption of course. At first, he was worried about her reaction, as she hadn't taken the news of Josh's conception very well (considering that his mother, Olivia, was a few years younger than herself, and even more concerning- she was Eli and Maya's daughter- the whole thing did not sit well with her at all). But he needn't have worried: Karen was gobsmacked, sure, but then entirely supportive, and announced she would be visiting soon to "get to meet this new brother of mine, I've got to fill him in on you too, Dad…"

But like an ache that won't go away no matter what you do, Olivia is there, always, in his mind, in his thoughts, at odd times of the day and night. Initially, he was relieved when Eli told him that she'd be gone for a month. "She's exhausted and needs a break, so I got her a ticket so that she can visit some friends in Canada. What? Oh of course she's coming back to Washington, she loves her job here, I'm here and her mum… so is Quinn and Harrison. Nothing in Eli's tone suggested that he knew what had happened between him and Olivia in Ghana, so he didn't say anything: no point in ruining their friendship, once again.

But she's coming back in two days – the day he goes back to work, and fortunately, he'll be in meetings all day and won't bump into her. In fact, she might not even be there, she might have decided to take a couple of days off to recover from her travels. He can't face her. Not yet. He still wants her. He knows how he feels about her. And he isn't sure that he can give her what she's asked for. But he can sense a shift within himself, and it scares him. The other day, he was talking to Karen on the phone, and to his surprise she asked him whether he was still in touch with her. For the first time since he'd told her about his relationship with Olivia and the baby's impending birth, there was no hostility in her voice towards her. As a result, he felt able to tell her, without getting into two much detail, that they had started seeing each other in Ghana, but that things hadn't worked out. When she asked him why they hadn't worked out ("For God's sake, Dad, what's up with you two?!") he retorted that he didn't have it in himself to forgive her for her behaviour to him after Josh's death, and that he couldn't trust her again.

Karen's reply stunned him. "Well, she behaved exactly like you did after Mum died. I tried to reach out to you, I needed you, and you just couldn't listen." He can still hear the tremor in her voice. "I needed you, Dad, but it was like… you retreated behind a wall, and there was nothing anyone, including me, could do about it."

"I know I did. And I'm so sorry", he remembers whispering. "And believe me, if I could turn back the clock… I'd never ever do that again to you. Never. You've got to believe me."

"Oh, I do. I really do. So why can't you believe Olivia, then?"

He doesn't know why he can't, but that's the thing, until that conversation with Karen, he was convinced he knew that he couldn't. And it scares him, because that, together with Maya's words to him ("She hasn't been back to Josh' bedroom, Fitz, she couldn't") tells him that he has to make his peace with Olivia somehow.

Which is why, now that Zach has gone to bed, he finds himself outside Josh's bedroom. He hasn't been in there since he left for Ghana either. He opens the door, gently, and takes it all in. Olivia had indeed left everything as it was when he interrupted her packing. There're a few open cardboard boxes, baby clothes all over the floor, the cotbed is still made, with its teddy bear in the corner. For a few seconds, he thinks he won't be able to do it. After a while, he steps into the room, and sits on the floor. Slowly, he begins the difficult task of finishing what Olivia had begun, unmaking the bed, sorting out the clothes, pressing the teddy bear against his cheek. And as he fingers one of Josh's baby grows, remembering his birth, the rush of love he felt for him, the agony of his death, he lets his grief wash over him for a while and do its business of seizing his guts in waves of pain.

Suddenly, he becomes aware of someone looking at him. Zach is standing there, in his pajamas.

"Zach! What's wrong? What are you doing here?"

"I… I woke up."

"Did you have a nightmare again? Shall I get you a glass of water? Come on, let's get you back into bed."

But Zach resolutely ignores him, and steps inside. "Zach", this time, his tone is slightly sharper. "You need to sleep, you've got school tomorrow." Which is not the real issue: he knows it, and Zach senses it too. But Zach, who loves Fitz with every fiber of his being, and who would do anything to please him, won't give in this time.

He comes and sits on the floor next to him. "Are these Josh's clothes? What are you doing with them?"

"I'm packing them." He's about to get up and lead Zach to his bedroom, when Zach, wordlessly, begins to fold the clothes, very neatly, very tidily, as he does most things, and places them in the boxes, one by one, in perfect piles. And there's nothing Fitz can do but join him, desperately hoping that he will be able to hold back his tears.

When they're done, Fitz picks up the teddy bear and hands it over to Zach. "Here. You can have it if you want."

Zach's eyes go wide, but then he says, very seriously, "No. You've got to ask Olivia first whether she wants it."

It's the first time in three months that Zach has pronounced her name. Fitz shakes his head and whispers, barely able to speak: "I think she would want you to have it."

Zach swallows. He's obviously struggling with something. "Fitz…", very hesitantly, in a very low voice, "Fitz, are you still angry with her?"

After a long pause, he says, sounding very tired all of a sudden: "No Zach, I'm not. And now, back to bed. Come on."

In the early hours of the morning, he tells himself that he needs to take his mind off things, and that he'll ask Eli and Maya over for dinner. They're good company, Eli will make him laugh…

Except that Eli is fed up to the back teeth with the whole thing.