Part 15

He can tell that Eli isn't his usual self: something is obviously bothering him, although from the way he is talking to Zach and joking with him, in his usual gruff but loving manner, you wouldn't guess. But he has known him for 30 years, and he can tell. Maya seems OK, so it's probably not to do with their relationship– from what he can see, they have managed to get their marriage back on track. Although, he will always feel guilty in knowing that he and Olivia had attributed to many of the problems they faced over the last year or so. You see, (despite the initial shock) Maya had always shown a lot more understanding and support of their relationship, whereas Eli had not initially, which often led to them having extremely heated and volatile arguments. And then when Josh died, well that took an excruciatingly heavy toll on every single one of them. It was enough to pull the strongest people apart. But, like they say- time is indeed a healer, and Fitz was glad to see that all that hostility between them had been abated. He is genuinely happy for them, and prays that it continues, because together, Eli and Maya were a formidable force, and a great source of support to both himself and Zach.

After dinner, Maya suggests to Zach that the two of them read some stories together in his bedroom before he goes off to sleep, studiously ignoring Fitz's raised eyebrows.

Eli can't stop fidgeting. Nor does he seem able to sustain inconsequential chitchat. After five minutes of this, Fitz just caves in.

"OK, what's up?"

"Mm?"

"Come on, Eli. You've been odd all evening, then Maya disappears upstairs and conveniently leaves the two of us alone… so what's up?"

Eli doesn't say anything, and Fitz is getting worried. "Eli! Is there something wrong? Is it… is it about you and Maya?"

"What? Oh no. We're fine. Were finally going in the right direction…"

"OK. So what is it, then?"

Eli takes a deep breath and looks straight at him. "Olivia is coming back tomorrow."

All of a sudden, he can feel his heart hammering in his chest. "I know", he manages to say very evenly.

Long silence. Eli scratches his head and takes another deep breath. "Look, Fitz, I just want to make sure that… well, you know…"

"No, Eli, this time I don't know", he replies, with a sharp edge in his voice. "Make sure that what, exactly?"

"That it'll be OK for her, with you back here and…"

"Don't worry", he cuts him off, "I have no intention of making things difficult for her." After a pause, he asks, with difficulty: "Does she know I'm back?"

"I haven't been in touch with her for a month", Eli replies, absent-mindedly, "no one has. That was what she wanted: no contact, nothing, just to be away from it all… wait a second! You haven't told her?"

Eli can't believe it, and is outraged, which makes Fitz feel very defensive. "Of course I haven't, she's been away and I didn't know how to contact her."

"I didn't mean this past month! I meant when you were in Ghana and once you'd decided to bring Zach over here! That must have been about two months ago, and you knew she was still in Washington then! For goodness sake, Fitz!"

Maya has just come into the room. "Eli, sssshh…please keep your voice down, Zach has just got off to sleep and…"

He spins around towards her: "Did you hear that?! All this time, he's been making all these plans, and not once did he think fit to warn our daughter that he was coming back! What were you thinking, Fitz?! 'Oh, no problem, I'll just say a quick hello to Olivia on my day back at work in between two patients'. Or 'not to worry, now that I don't want to sleep with her anymore, our paths won't cross anyway so….'"

Fitz is stung and getting angry. "That's unfair and you know it!"

"No, I don't, actually! All I know is that three months ago, I picked up my daughter from the airport, only to discover that she was in almost as bad a shape as she had been before she'd left, and to find out that you'd got back together again, only for you to tell her that well, sorry Olivia, but after all, you couldn't make any kind of commitment!" He's in full flow now, and oblivious to Maya's worried expression, or to the thunderous look on Fitz's face. "And you know what, I've really tried to understand, to accept that you wouldn't ask me how she is, you wouldn't ever talk about her... and now I discover that you couldn't even bring yourself to tell her you were back… And what about Zach? Mmm? Have you thought of him in all this? And her? He loves her, and Olivia loves him too. What were you going to do? Tell him that he couldn't see her? Not tell her he was here? Fitz, what?!"

"Don't you dare tell me I didn't think of Zach! It's all I ever do! And the problem is that I don't have a clue as to how he feels in all this because he never talks about her! And I don't know what to do about that!"

Eli looks at him with something close to pity but before he can say anything, Maya interjects, very gently: "He does, Fitz. Not to you, but to us, he does. All the time."

"What?", he asks, going very pale.

There's such pain on his face, in his eyes, that Maya can't speak. But Eli can. "He asks us questions about her, what she was like when she was a child, what she was doing at school, whether she liked the sea, whether she did drawings, what she's like with people who are sick at the hospital… I must have shown him our entire photo collection of her about twenty times."

Fitz walks over to the window, unable to face Eli, distraught at having missed Zach's desperate need to talk about her. "What have I done to him", he whispers in a strangled voice. "What have I done…" He swallows. "I've never talked to him about her because he never mentions her name, and I thought it'd be too painful for him. But I've wanted to. So many times… but why did he not say anything?"

This time, Maya responds. "He told me tonight that until last night, he thought you were very angry with her. And very sad about her. He didn't want to make you more sad."

He rubs his face with his hands, tiredly. "I see. Eli… I… I assumed you would tell her I was planning to come back."

Eli shakes his head. "And I assumed you had, and that if she never mentioned it, she had her reasons. God, what a mess. It was up to you to do it, Fitz, not me, or Maya, or anyone else! I don't understand you, I really don't. I mean… a few months ago, you were all set to be with her, to have a family with her, and then you start again with her in Ghana, and now… I don't get it" he sighs, defeated.

Fitz snorts. "Well, a lot of things have changed since a few months ago… Josh died", he says, painfully, "and things never went back to normal. And I don't understand you! I can't believe you want us to be together… after the way you reacted at first… Anyway, get real. I mean, I'm turning 48 in a few months, I'm twenty five years older than her, a single father to a 7 year old, I mean, what an attractive prospect for her."

"Fitz, come on", Maya says, pained by the bitterness in his voice. She is about to say something when Eli cuts her off. But he isn't angry. In fact, there's something very hard, very deliberate, very ruthless in his voice. "I can't believe you've just said that, Fitz. This rubbish about the age gap… well, obviously, it didn't bother you when you took her to bed! Oh, but I guess it wouldn't, would it? I bet you congratulated yourself, didn't you Fitz? Couldn't believe your luck, could you? She's beautiful, young and sexually experienced – what a dream combination! I bet it was really, really good with her, wasn't it?"

"Stop it! Just stop it!", Fitz yells, "It's your daughter you're talking about!"

"Yes. It's my daughter." And this time, Eli isn't ruthless: there's a tremor in his voice. "It's my daughter, and I can't stand seeing her in such a state. She's 23, her baby is dead… and she is in love with a man who refuses to admit to himself that he loves her… how much more pain, Fitz" – he's choking on his words – "how much more pain does she have to endure?"

"It's not that I can't admit it to myself", he says, almost inaudible. "It's just… I'm terrified that if I tell her… anyway, do you really want that for her? I mean, even if we could make it work a few years, what about in 10, 15 years? She'll be in her mid thirties, I'll be touching retirement… do you really want that? I don't believe you do. If it were my daughter, I wouldn't." He's exhausted, and it shows. "Look, I… I'll phone her myself to tell her I'm back, and about Zach. She deserves to hear it from me. Could you… could you give me a couple of days, and her too, until she's recovered from her flight? Please?"

Eli nod. "She starts work again on the 4th. That gives you 4 days. Listen… I'm sorry if I was too rough on you. It's just…I want you both to be happy. That's all. We'd better go now."

At which point Zach, who was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, hurries up the stairs, back to his bedroom.