She's back!

Part 16

She sinks down on the floor, her back to her door, unable to grasp what has just happened. She came back yesterday and has been trying to recover from her trip and sort all her bits out– She isn't due back at work for another couple of days, and as Quinn and Harrison are at work, the house is very quiet. She hasn't seen her parents yet, she's just texted her dad to let them know she had landed safely and to tell him she would ring them later tonight.

This morning, she decided to go out for some fresh air. And as she was walking past the hospital, she saw him. She can't have made a mistake. She knows him so well – his height, his figure, his build. He was getting out of his car in the staff car park, and heading into the hospital, carrying a briefcase.

He's back. But it's not possible. Come on, Olivia, don't be ridiculous, of course it's possible, you've just seen him. But he can't have left Zach behind! Well, he obviously did because, let's face it, it's impossible to sort out an international adoption in three months…. And he didn't think it necessary, or kind, or thoughtful, to let you know… well, no, he wouldn't, he must have known I was away. Oh come on, he could have texted you. Ah, but maybe he thought my number had changed? You're being ridiculous again, surely, he could have taken a chance on the number being the same… No, Olivia, it's the same old Fitz, he probably put it off again and again, burying his head in the sand as usual. God knows what Zach must be going through. Zach… I have to phone the orphanage, she thinks, I sent him some cards from Canada but they've probably not got there yet. I have to find out how he is… and next holiday, I'm going back there to see him… perhaps there's an explanation for all this, perhaps Fitz's here on a short visit to see Sally about the charity… but then why would he be in the staff car park? OK, I just don't know, and I'm going to try not to jump to conclusions, and I'll find out from Dad when I talk to him tonight. Surely he knows…

Her hands are shaking, her breath is shallow, and she doesn't think she can get up – not just yet. Because if there's one thing she is sure of, it's that Fitz's feelings towards her, whatever they are, haven't changed for the better. She remembers her words to him so clearly: "Don't get in touch unless… unless you're sure, deep down, that you can give me your love, your trust, and your forgiveness." Well, he's here, for however long, and hasn't got in touch, so…

And one another thing. If he is here to stay, she's leaving Washington. She knows she won't be able to bear being around him and carrying the burden of her hopeless desire to be with him. She closes her eyes. Almost two years since things started changing between us, she tells herself bleakly, we've been apart, had a child and lost him, tried to reconnect but failed, he's getting that little bit older, I've travelled, and put time and space between us… and still, despite all this, I still love him, and want him… and I can't carry on like that.

Finally, she gets up, exhausted, and picks up the phone to call Ghana. She is about to dial the number, when there's a knock on the door. She's tempted to leave it – who could it be – but the knock is getting louder, more insistent. She opens the door and freezes at the sight of the familiar figure standing there, drenched in rain, and who suddenly bursts into tears.

"Zach?!"

He hadn't realised it would take so long to walk from the school to Olivia's house. He knows her address because of the letters she sent him when he was in Ghana, 7 Broad Street. He'd looked it up on the map, without telling Fitz, so when he left school this morning he thought it would be best if he went back to Fitz's house first and walk to Olivia from there. That way, he wouldn't get lost.

He really wants to see Olivia. He knows she's back, in fact, she came back yesterday.

The night before, Maya and Eli came for diner, and Maya read him some stories after dinner, and he started falling asleep, and she left the room, but then he woke up, all thirsty... He remembers it all. He went downstairs to get a glass of water and hears them talking. He knows he shouldn't listen, that it's rude, but suddenly Eli is talking about Olivia, and he sounds really, really angry, and Fitz sounds really angry too, so he stays on the stairs. It's hard to figure out what they're saying exactly, because it's grown up talk and he's just a little kid. All he knows is that Olivia doesn't know he is living in Washington with Fitz now. Fitz didn't tell her, and that really, really hurts, because it means Fitz doesn't want him to see Olivia when she comes back. But he wants to see Olivia, he needs to see her. And also, it's hard to understand because it sounds as if Eli says that Olivia loves Fitz, and that maybe Fitz loves her, but can't tell her. But that's weird because if you love someone and they love you, then you can tell them because you know they won't laugh at you or think you're silly.

He couldn't really sleep afterwards, and couldn't really talk to Fitz, all he could think about was that Olivia was coming back today. And then, this morning, he got into a fight with one of the kids at school, who said that Fitz was very old, and not his real dad, and would get sick of looking after a stupid kid like him and would send him back to Africa.

But it's not true, Fitz is not that old. And OK, his head looks a bit grey on the sides, but he doesn't have a big belly hanging over his trousers like some of the dads. But then he remembered what Fitz said the other night, that he was twenty five years older than Olivia. Twenty five years sounds like a lot. Maybe that's why Olivia doesn't want him. Because Fitz said that Olivia doesn't want him, he remembers that. Or he thinks that's what Fitz said, he isn't sure, he was getting so tired because it was late in the evening. And Fitz also said that maybe Olivia didn't want him because of him, Zach… he's really, really upset about that because he really thought Olivia loved him, so why would she not want Fitz because of him? Maybe Fitz will send him back in order to be with Olivia.

So after the fight, he sneaked out of the school, that was easy, the teacher wasn't looking, and he decided to go to Olivia's place and talk to her. He needs to talk to her, he needs to know that it will be OK, that she won't want him to go back to Ghana, that she loves Fitz, that it will all be OK.

But it started raining, and he is walking, and walking, and walking, and it takes forever, and he's getting really cold, and now he's really worried because there is a Broad Street, but also a Broad Avenue, and a Broad Close, so which one is the right one? Maybe he made a mistake, maybe Olivia lives in Broad Close, not Broad Street. So he's going to try Broad Street first, and then the other ones.

He knocks on the door, and she opens it, and she looks exactly like he remembers, and for a horrible second she looks so surprised he thinks she doesn't recognise him and will close the door, so he starts crying, but then she draws him inside and holds him and tells him it's all going to be OK.

He's shaking so badly against her, with distress, cold, and exhaustion, that she doesn't even try to get him to talk. She checks his bag quickly, falters at the sight of Josh's teddy bear, and is disappointed not to find his PE kit. She undresses him quickly, dries him off, and settles him on the sofa in his underwear, with a big blanket, all the time talking to him soothingly, holding him, hugging him, reassuring him.

After a while, he calms down, and looks up to her with big, frightened eyes.

"Zach…" she says gently, "Zach… you're living in Washington with Fitz now, right?"

He gulps and nods.

"OK. He doesn't know you're here, right?"

He shakes his head. "Zach, we have to tell him you're safe, he'll be very worried." He'll be going out of his mind with panic and terror, she thinks, but there's no point in telling Zach that. "Do you have his mobile number with you?" Without waiting for his reply she finds his school notebook, with Fitz's contact number. Same number as before, she notes. Without leaving Zach's side, she grabs the phone and dials the number. No reply, just the voicemail. Damn. "Fitz, hi, it's Olivia, Zach's just turned up at my house… I mean, Quinn's house. He's fine but could you please call me asap?"

She tries her dad and her mother… their mobiles are engaged. So she leaves messages at the hospital, with the general surgery department, the anaesthetics department, ITU, Sally's secretary, the school… everywhere she can think of. Then she calls Fitz again, and again gets diverted to the voicemail. For Christ's sake Fitz what's up with your phone?! Gritting her teeth, she says, flatly: "Fitz, it's me again. I'm taking Zach to your house now by cab, he got soaked in the rain and needs dry clothes. I've still got my keys. I'll let us in. Meet you there."

After calling the cab company, she turns to Zach, and her tone is immediately softer. "OK, sweetheart, let's take you home. And then you can tell me why you ran away from the school and came here." Very gently she bundles him into the taxi, and keeps him close to her, in her arms, during the ride. When she opens Fitz's door, she is so focused on Zach's distress that it doesn't occur to her she hasn't been back here since the day Fitz left for Ghana. Within fifteen minutes she's got Zach dressed in warm, dry clothes, with a mug of warm milky chocolate.

He hasn't said a word since he got to her place. All he can do is stare at her with big eyes, obviously scared and worried. "Zach… can you tell me what happened?"

He swallows. He looks as if there's so much he wants to say that he doesn't know where to start. She remembers how she dealt with him, all those months ago, on the beach, the night he ran away from the orphanage. So again, she ventures a guess, that he had a fight at school, that maybe things are difficult here, in Washington, a new place, a new life… and of course, she knows so little of what happened to him since she left Ghana that she inevitably gets it wrong, and he inevitably begins to tell her what happened exactly. Except that he's not sure he remembers everything right, and that a lot of what seems to be going on with Fitz obviously is way over his 7-year-old head. Still, she gets the basics, or at least some of the basics: that he overheard Fitz and her father row the other night, that he's upset because Fitz hadn't told her they were back in Washington so he's worried he won't be able to see her (Damn you again, Fitz, how could you do this to him, to me… how could you handle this so badly), that he thinks Fitz loves her but he isn't sure (I'm not sure either, you know), that he's terrified Olivia doesn't want to be with Fitz because he is too old and because he's looking after him, and that Fitz will send him back to Africa because he's not his real dad.

At last he's done, utterly spent. She puts her arm around his shoulders. "Zach, listen to me… I love Fitz, and I think he loves me… but I don't know… I don't know whether we will ever be a family, the way you want us to be. Sometimes… with grown-ups, even if they love someone very much, they can't live with them, and it's hard to explain why." She pauses, and then, choking on her words a bit, she adds, very fiercely: "But I promise you, Zach, I promise you that I love you, and that I don't want you to go back to Ghana, or to Rwanda… and I promise you that Fitz will never, ever send you back either. Never, Zach, do you hear me? He will never do that. You see… what the other kid said at school, that Fitz isn't your real dad. Well, it's not true. I mean… do you remember what I told you, back in Ghana, the day you asked me how babies were made?"

His eyes are glued on her face. He nods, and then whispers: "Course I remember. I wanted to know how you and Fitz made Josh but I didn't want to ask that so I asked how babies were made instead."

She smiles at him, with a hint of sadness. "Do you remember what I said to you?"

He's getting almost indignant now, which is a good sign that he's feeling better about things: "Course I do! You said that the mummy and the daddy each had a small seed, and they made sure the seeds sort of got together, and then the seeds grew together, like a plant or a tree, except that it's not a tree, it's a baby."

"That's right, Zach", she marvels at his memory and intelligence. "Well, when people say that Fitz isn't your real dad, what they mean is that as a baby you didn't grow out of his small seed. And it's true, you didn't, you were made with your other dad's small seed, and your mum's seed, back in Rwanda. But you see…that's not what being a dad means, Zach. It's very easy, to put the seeds together so that they grow. What's important is what you do afterwards. It's loving your baby, and feeding him, and making sure that he's OK, that he isn't too cold, or too warm… and when the baby grows, and becomes a kid, it's doing all those things, and taking him to school, and talking to him, and teaching him stuff…"

She is so focused on him that she notices every expression on his face, the way it begins to relax, the returning liveliness in his eyes. Softly, with a catch in her voice, she adds: "To be a dad, it's doing all of that… and taking your son to the beach to look at the sea, coming into his room at night when he has nightmares and staying with him until he goes back to sleep… that's what being a dad means, Zach. It means loving your son so much it almost hurts sometimes."

She lets her words sink in, and then says: "Zach, your other dad, in Rwanda… he did all those things for you, and he was a read dad to you. But now, Fitz is doing all this, and he loves you that much. And you know what, you didn't grow out of his small seed, but of all the kids at the orphanage, of all the kids he knows, he chose you. He chose you. So don't listen to anyone who says he isn't your real dad. He is a real dad to you."

For a long time, he doesn't say anything. Then, in a very small voice, he asks: "Olivia, all those things you said about being a dad. Is it the same about being a mum?"

She closes her eyes, remembering the smell of her lost son and feeling the pain of not being able, ever, to do all those things for him. Before she can say anything, Zach stiffens and gasps. She opens her eyes, and reflexively tightens her hold on him.

Fitz is standing there, looking haggard.