Part 17

"It's the same, Zach", he whispers. "It's exactly the same."

He walks over to the sofa and kneels in front of Zach. "Zach, what Olivia said… it's true. I will never send you back, ever. I'm your father. You're my son. Never forget that."

Olivia gets up, but Zach is holding on to her, and she gently disengages herself. "Zach, look, you and Fitz need to talk about things together. And I need to go upstairs to the bathroom. Don' t worry, I won't go home without saying goodbye to you."

Without so much as a glance towards Fitz, she walks out. She doesn't quite know why she couldn't really look at him. Anger that he couldn't tell her anything about his plans. Embarrassment at the thought he might have heard everything she said to Zach, including her confession that she loves him. She's so tired she can't think straight. All she knows is that she can't leave Washington. Not now. Not with Zach around. She'll just have to keep her distance from Fitz as much as possible. She'll manage. Somehow.

She's lost in her thoughts and suddenly realises that she's standing in front of Josh's bedroom. What used to be Josh's bedroom. She pushes the door open. The room has been repainted, and re-carpeted. The cot bed has been dismantled and is standing against a wall. There are neatly stacked boxes in the far corner – baby clothes, spare nappies… Tears spring to her eyes. The desolate look of the room, full of memories of her son, but so obviously no longer his room, is the last straw after a very long, very difficult day. She lets the tears flow on her cheeks, and the memories flood her mind and heart. Slowly, she calms down and after a long time feels ready, at last, to go back downstairs and say goodbye to Zach.

"Hi".

He startles her, she did not hear him come upstairs. Feeling a little shaky, she turns around and faces him… "Hi".

He clears his throat. "Thanks for… for everything. I… I was going out of my mind; my phone battery went flat on me and…" He stops. He can't bear to relive the sheer terror that gripped him when the school phoned him to tell him Zach was nowhere to be found, or the crippling fear that threatened to engulf him when he started driving around, looking everywhere for him, imagining the worst… he's been through this twice already with Zach, and he doesn't know how he will do it again if Zach keeps running away. "Anyway, thanks so much for looking after him."

"It's OK, Fitz", she shrugs. "I just hope he will understand that he can trust you with things, and that running away is not the solution."

He gives her a tired smile. "My thoughts exactly. I need to work at it more… It's just so hard at times…" he whispers.

For the first time, she looks at him fully. "Zach, he's come on massively in the last three months… he's so much more grown up… and… I mean, tonight was a bad night, but still, I could see how much more relaxed he can be. You're doing an amazing job with him already. Just… give it time."

He's so touched by her trust and confidence in him that he can't say anything at first. "Liv… I'm sorry I didn't tell you we were coming back… it took a while to organise, things were so hectic, then your dad told me you were in Canada… I was going to phone you tonight actually but… I never meant for Zach to think I didn't want him to see you or…" He knows how lame he sounds, how awkward and pathetic really his excuses are, so he stops. There's so much he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know where to start.

"It's OK", she shrugs again. "I understand. Don't beat yourself up about it. You've cleared Josh's bedroom", she states, matter-of-fact.

"Ermm…yes. I did. I… I wanted to ask you whether you wanted some of that stuff, or…"

She shakes her head, but then just as quickly changes her mind. "No. actually… I'd like…" she's starting to get chocked up but wills herself to carry on. "If you don't mind, I'd like to keep the outfit we put on him after he was born, at the hospital…"

He opens one of the boxes and gets the outfit for her. "There. It's yours… I gave his teddy bear to Zach. I hope you don't mind."

"I saw that. Of course I don't mind, you did the right thing… as for the rest, you might as well give it to a charity."

She can hear how abrupt she sounded. "Are you sure?", he asks somewhat formally, before she can soften her words.

"Sure. What's the point of holding on to them?"

She's right, he thinks bleakly, what's the point… "OK", he whispers, "I'll take care of it. We'd better go back down. Zach is in the kichen setting the table for dinner."

Apart from when it's about Zach, she's so distant, so guarded, he thinks, as they make their way down stairs. Well, you can't blame her for that, he tells himself. If you had handled things a bit better, you wouldn't feel as if you're talking to a stranger.

In the kitchen, Zach is looking at them both with big, worried eyes. She immediately goes to him and gives him a hug. "Zach", she says softly, "Zach, I'm going to go home now. But if it's OK with you, and with Fitz, I'd like to see you soon."

His face lights up and he looks towards Fitz, pleadingly, who simply nods with a smile. "But Zach", she carries on, very firmly this time, "Zach, you have to promise us that you won't run away again. If something is bothering you, no matter how bad it is, you tell us. You don't run away. It's very scary for all of us, and dangerous for you too. OK?"

"OK", he says in a low voice.

"You promise?", she insists, knowing how seriously he takes promises.

"I promise", he says solemnly. "I promise", he repeats.

"Good", they say in unison.

She makes her move to leave, so Fitz walks her to the door. "Olivia… I… look, I want you to know… that…" He looks away.

"What?" She asks. "You want me to know what?"

That you were right when you told Zach I love you, that… that I want to be with you but I'm still so scared to take the risk again, that I'm trying to overcome this but it's so difficult… that there are times, days, when I feel so lonely without you that it feels as if I'm going to choke on it…. but she isn't really looking at him, she seems keen to make a move, and he remembers her demand so clearly "only when you know for sure you can give me your love, your trust and your forgiveness…" So, he gives up. "Nothing. Look, I'll call you in a couple of days to sort out something with Zach."

It's dark, so he doesn't see the tension on her face and the bleakness in her eyes, as she waves her agreement and walks away.

He shuts the door and goes and finds his son in the kitchen.

She makes her way home, and clutching Josh's baby grow to her chest, she collapse on her bed, sobbing.