It was early, too early given her hangover, but Ellana wanted to explore this amazing world she found herself in. She had spent some time in it during events with the Inquisition but there had been too much at stake to explore. The woods were remarkable. She felt nothing but peace walking through the trees as halla galloped playfully around her. Further in, she began to hear water and eventually found herself at a small stream with trickling waterfalls. Just beyond the edge of the water sat a tree with delicate white blossom. It made her think of the stained glass in the tower. She lay beneath it, gazing up at the sky as flurries of white danced free with each breath of wind.
"I thought I might find you here. You were always drawn to the forest."
A familiar voice broke Ellana from her day-dreaming and she sat up abruptly.
"Even in Haven you would wander off in three feet of snow just to find solace amongst the trees. I could always find you there…" His words trailed off, lost in memories.
Ellana turned towards the source and saw Solas standing beside the stream. His face wore a wistful smile. She rose and came to stand nearby.
"It's beautiful," she answered with genuine appreciation.
"Thank you." He paused. "You seemed to be enjoying yourself last night. I am glad."
Ellana could hear the sadness in his voice behind his attempts to hide it. She knew him too well. He must have realised she saw him watching her from the tower.
"I did," she replied. "The people here seem so happy…a sadly rare sight in this world." She paused, considering what to say. "Solas, I…" her voice trailed off.
Mercifully, he knew what needed to be said, "I came here to apologise to you, Ellana. You were right…again. I made all the decisions without considering what you might want and then forced my choices on you. Your opinion means more to me than you know and I should have listened. I was…afraid… You are worth far more than that."
Her eyes widened slightly but she quickly recovered herself. "Thank you. I'm glad you finally understand and I appreciate the apology." She smiled warmly.
"I will not make the same mistake again. What you do now is your own choice. You have made a life for yourself amongst my soldiers and if that is the life you want to live, I will not stand in the way." Turning fully to her, he went on, "Similarly, if you choose to leave, I will ensure you are not pursued by anyone under my command. You are free to do as you wish."
Her brow furrowed, doubt clouding her mind.
"You would let me leave with all the knowledge I've gained? That is…a pretty big risk," she mused, her curiosity getting the better of her.
The corners of his mouth quirked up in to a sly smile. "It is nothing I cannot overcome."
She laughed. "You are nothing if not tenacious." She nodded. "The gesture is appreciated and you're right. I have made a life for myself here, a life I do not wish to abandon."
Ellana, somewhat unwillingly, felt warmth towards him. She had tried for so many years to remember him as the complete bastard who left her and in so doing - she had forgotten why she fell in love with him in the first place. Now she was starting to remember.
"Good. Then you have my blessing. I will keep everything I know of you to myself; your past is yours to dispense as you please," he replied.
"Thank you, Solas, but I am not sure how much longer I can keep it quiet. Besides, won't Varden have suspicions after yesterday?" she enquired, brow wrinkling once again.
"Certainly. I would be disappointed in him if he did not but…" He paused. "…he knows when not to ask questions."
"Good to know," she added with a laugh.
A brief silence followed. Ellana had forgotten how comfortable she felt just being near him. He, however, felt anything but comfortable. Despite all his experience of the world, he felt unable to control himself around Ellana. This lack of control scared him; it was not something he was used to. She was his one weakness in a time when he could afford none.
He broke the silence, "If it makes things easier for you, Ellana, I can keep my distance. Once you leave this place I can ensure we do not meet again. I…"
"No. You hurt me a lot but this…" She motioned between the two of them. "…has helped me a lot. I no longer feel I need to hide from you. Hopefully you feel the same way?"
Solas did everything he could to hide his disappointment. He had hoped she would never want to see him again and hearing that, would have kept him from her. With only his willpower to rely on, he did not trust himself to stay away. He knew he should have left her after she stormed out of his study but he could not bear to hurt her more than he already had.
"I do," he replied, a resigned smile spreading across his face.
"Although, I would appreciate you staying out of my dreams. That could get…awkward," she joked.
Both of them laughed and their eyes met. He tore his eyes from hers, sensing dangerous territory and instead fixed them on her once missing arm.
"Your arm…" he uttered quietly.
Ellana removed her glove to display the ebony structure and upturned her nose at the sight of it.
"The Inquisition's doing," she said, bringing the arm closer and flexing her cold fingers so he could see. "Tevinter made. It does the job; I can use a dagger as well as I ever could."
"It is remarkable but Tevinter?" he asked sounding thoroughly displeased. "Let me see." He took a closer look, drawing her arm to him with a touch.
"I know but I didn't have many other choices. Sadly my resident mage was nowhere to be found…" she remarked slyly.
Solas did not notice the jibe, far too engrossed. Ellana remembered how he used to be almost unreachable when he was studying something.
"Can you sense touch with it?" he enquired. He pressed his hand in to her magical one without thinking. "Are there any side-effects?"
"Yes, I can feel. It's duller than it was but definitely there," she replied, feeling the warmth and familiarity of his hand in hers. "Not much in the way of side-effects," she lied, not wanting to concern him further.
"Good," he said with a breath of relief.
Their eyes met again and he realised his hand was still pressed to hers. He could feel himself losing control. A nearby shout of Ellana's name broke their eyes away from one another.
"I shall leave you to your friend. I hope you find happiness, Ellana," he said as he let go of her hand.
With that, he was gone and Ellana was left with an all too familiar feeling.
Lis came barrelling in to the glade loudly telling Ellana some piece of news but she heard none of it. Her mind was racing.
"Ellana? Are you in there?" Lis joked, finally noticing her friend's distraction.
"Sorry I'm just…" Ellana broke off. Pulling herself fully from her thoughts, she went on, "Solas was here."
"Just now?! I didn't interrupt, did I? What did I interrupt?" Lis asked slyly, raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing like that," Ellana replied. She proceeded to tell Lis everything that had transpired, leaving out the feelings she had had. Lis did not need to know every detail.
"Well that was nice of him. He doesn't sound so bad after all," Lis commented.
"It does not change what he did, Lis, but it's a good start," Ellana added.
"Start of what?" her friend asked, her sly tone returning.
"I don't know." Ellana changed the subject hastily. "So what were you telling me?"
"Hurand took Daman away to discuss business. The others think this means we're all being promoted. More important jobs, more involvement in the organisation and many more chances to test our skills," Lis exclaimed excitedly. She paused, eyebrows rising slyly. "Maybe it's because of your in with the boss?"
Ellana punched her shoulder. "It's because we're damned good at what we do and you know it is. Now shut up and let's head back to camp and see what's happening!"
"That actually hurt you know!" Lis whined as they walked towards the trees.
When they returned to camp Daman had still not returned. With little else to do, the remaining four members of their band helped around the other encampments. The hours passed quickly and Daman returned in the early evening. It was clear from his jubilant demeanour that the groups' suspicions had been correct and that Daman had already been celebrating. His slurred speech only added more fuel to the fire.
"Hurand gave us some of the good stuff," he slurred, producing several bottles of fine wine from a bag over his shoulder.
The elves from the surrounding encampments congratulated them exuberantly but the majority declined to join them in their celebrations. Many of the nearby camps were moving out tomorrow so Ellana understood their reservation. Besides, they had all enjoyed too much just last night. Daman joked that they lacked proper stamina.
The celebrations were less lively out of respect for their neighbours but Ellana was still having a wonderful time. The company of her friends, old and new, was a very welcome feeling that she had not truly felt since she left the Inquisition. She remembered a particular party, shortly after they moved in to Skyhold. There had been music, dancing and a great deal of alcohol to celebrate their new home. They had all laughed and enjoyed each other's company long in to the night and for the first time, she knew she had true friends. It was also the first time she slept with Solas.
Drawn by the very idea of him, she looked up to the balcony of the tower. She saw him there but he was not watching this time. Feet up on the edge of the balcony, he was seated and looked to be reading. As though he could sense her gaze, he put down his book and came to stand at the edge. A look passed between them. She broke his gaze, eyes cast to the floor. She felt the haze of too much alcohol wash over her and got up suddenly. She could not trust herself in this state, not with him so close. She kept going until she reached the tree line and stopped, resting her back against a trunk. Footsteps approached and she looked up, expecting Lis. The haze of inebriation blurred her vision but she still managed to focus in on the much larger form of Daman.
"I have you to thank for everything, Vala," he slurred. The use of her fake name jarred her slightly. "You've changed everything." He pulled her in to an embrace and the smell of drink covered all else. "My smart and beautiful Vala."
"Daman, I don…" Her words trailed off as he pressed his lips against hers.
Possibly due to her drunken state or simply due to shock, she took a moment to respond. She tried to pull away but he was insistent.
When she finally broke free she exclaimed, "Daman, stop! I don't think we should do this." She tried to keep her voice gentle, appeasing. She did not want to hurt his feelings.
"Vala, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I know you've wanted this as much as I do," he said, dragging her in, trying to kiss her again.
Ellana knew that she had led him on at times to get what she needed. She cursed herself for her behaviour but it still did not justify his ignorance. She pushed him away with more force.
"That is not my name and no I don't!" she shouted.
He looked surprised. "No, Vala, you…" But Daman's own surprised scream took over his words.
He screamed again, his hand jerking away from her as the smell of burning clothes and flesh filled Ellana's nostrils. His grip had loosened enough for her to escape but she stood perfectly still, too shocked to move. It mattered little as a gauntleted hand closed around Daman's throat and pulled him off her.
"Solas?" she asked pathetically, pleasant haze of inebriation all but gone.
Solas threw his charge to the ground with ease. Although Daman was a much larger elf, rage seemed to be a powerful motivator. Solas stood over him, eyes glowing.
"Tell me why I should not burn you alive?!" he growled, every word punctuated by his rage.
Daman just stuttered but Ellana could not let Solas kill him.
"No!" she shouted, running in between them. "Please don't!" She made sure he looked at her and not at the cowering source of his fury. "Solas, please, I don't want you to do this. I need you to stop."
As Ellana held his gaze the glow slowly left his eyes. He cast off the last of his rage with one final growl before turning away from her. She reached out a hand to him but shouts came from the nearby encampment and she stopped. Her friends had no doubt heard Daman's screams of pain. Lis arrived first, her nimble legs carrying her faster than the others.
"What the fuck happened here?!" she cried, looking directly at Solas.
The others arrived shortly after. Their eyes fell instantly to the burns on Daman's body, evident for all to see. They all turned their attention to Ellana for an explanation. She looked up to where Solas had been only to find him gone. Lis pointed blankly towards the tower, clearly still in shock.
"He was injured. He should be fine," was all the explanation Ellana offered as she ran off toward the tower.
She knew Daman would happily give his version of events and she did not even care if his version would be accurate. She needed to see Solas.
She saw nothing of him on her way through the encampments. When she finally came to the door of the tower it occurred to her that she could not open it. Her time in Varden's shadow had shown her the door and the elevator within only allowed entry to certain people. She stopped in front of it, dejected. In an almost offhand gesture, she raised her palm and placed it on the door as Varden had. Much to her surprise the door whirred and clicked open. She was certain the magic that controlled it was complicated; she certainly could not comprehend it; so the thought that Solas had taken the time to allow her entry was all the more touching. She wondered at what point he had decided to do it.
"Had it always been this way? Was he hoping I would return for all these years?"
These were the thoughts that raced through Ellana's mind as she ascended in the elevator. She found herself perplexed. Solas had gone out of his way to let her know they could not be together but now she finds out he had given her a key to his inner sanctum. She thought about how torn he must be to behave in this way. Although the thought of his torment saddened her, she could not help but feel glad that she had not been alone in her suffering.
When she stepped off the platform into Solas's study he was nowhere to be found but the door to the right stood ajar. She entered in to a smaller room, taken up mostly by a bed, a fireplace and a set of chairs. A huge window made up one of the walls with a glass-pane door leading to the balcony Ellana had seen from below. Large wooden alcoves bridged the panelling of the great window with curtains at their sides. Solas was seated on one such alcove, his head in his hands. He had not noticed Ellana enter and she took the opportunity to watch him for a moment longer.
"Solas…" she said quietly.
He looked up with a start. "You should not be here."
"I needed to make sure… I needed to know you're alright," she replied, moving closer to him.
His eyes finally met hers. "I am fine and you should go."
"Solas, what were you doing in the forest? I saw you on the balcony but then… Why were you down there?" she asked, moving still closer until she could almost touch him.
"I am a fool. When I saw you from the balcony I…I felt something. I could not control myself. I knew I had to see you but…"
Ellana could feel a lump rise in her throat as she realised that he truly was tormented by her. He did not enter her dreams to spy on her or hurt her; he did it because he could not help himself. She felt sadness for him, knowing that he suffered a pain similar to her own. What was worse, he could not blame someone else like Ellana could; he had no one to be angry with but himself. It hurt to think that if Solas had just relented then he could have saved them both a great deal of pain.
"By the time I reached you, he was with you," he continued, the pace of his words becoming progressively faster. "I lost control. It did not even matter that you were trying to stop him, I wanted to hurt him long before…"
"Solas," she interrupted softly.
She placed her hand on his shoulder and turned him so she could see his face. They were standing too close to one another now and she could feel the heat of his body. Their eyes met and he raised a hand to meet the one she held on his shoulder. Before Ellana knew what she was feeling, they were kissing; his hands sliding through her hair and hers moving to envelope his neck. For a few achingly short minutes, Ellana was completely lost in the man she still loved.
He pulled away. "We shouldn't," he said, putting some distance between them.
Ellana was unwelcomely reminded of exchanges in their past but she was determined not to allow history to repeat itself.
"I have never wanted anyone more in my life than you, Solas," she said in a firm voice "And I know you feel the same way." She closed the distance between them, looking him in the eye despite his reluctance. "Forget your damned duty for a minute and realise this changes nothing. I am not going to try and stop…"
Before she could finish he drew her in for another kiss. She pulled away from him, brow wrinkled with confusion.
"What is it?" He paused, hand grazing against her hair, eyes still fixed to hers. "You are right and I cannot keep resisting it." He kissed her again.
She pulled away once more, "You won't run away again? I don't think I could…"
"No. I do not think either of us could survive that," he interrupted. His soft gaze turned stern. "Now stop talking."
He pulled her in for a longer, deeper kiss and pressed her hard against the edge of the bed. It had been a long time for them both. Neither was sure this was the right thing to do but neither cared. They had finally stopped running.
A/N - This chapter was updated AGAIN on 21/11/17 as apparently, I am never happy.