Part 19

She's having a much better time than she thought she would. When Zach phoned to invite her to the sports day and barbecue, she almost said no. Since she's been back she's managed to keep her distance from Fitz, which wasn't easy as she was seeing quite a bit of Zach, so the very thought of spending a whole day with Fitz was too much. But she could hear the hope in his voice, she could picture what his face would look like if she said no, and in the end, she didn't have the heart to disappoint him.

Those last few weeks with him have been wonderful. She doesn't think she could love him more if he were her own son. She feels for him the same fierce protective attachment, she experiences the same terror at the prospect of anything bad happening to him, as if he were properly hers. She loves to see him interact with Quinn, to watch him fool around with Eli at the park, to read a book with him, to take him to the movies… When she sometimes picks him up from the counsellor and sees that he's been crying through the session, she wants to take him in her arms and shield him from all the things and people who might ever hurt him. And when he scored that goal earlier, at the school's annual football game, she thought she would burst with pride, she couldn't contain herself. He didn't seem to be embarrassed by it, quite the contrary.

The only fly in the ointment is Fitz. He's as distant with her and she's with him. When he picks Zach up from her place on Tuesdays and Fridays he's blandly nice. The first time, she offered him a drink, he declined politely and said they had to make a move, she hasn't offered again since. But she has cried many times after one of those days, despairing of ever getting over him. If it weren't for Zach, she would leave, but she can't abandon him, it would be like leaving her own son behind, and she could never do that.

Today is the first time she's spending more than half an hour in the same place as Fitz since they split up in Ghana almost four months ago now, and at first it felt very strange. She wasn't quite sure what to talk to him about - thank God for Zach though, who proves to be a very safe topic of conversation. Thank God for Jake, too, whom she'd met before, and who seems keen to get to know her better: he's nice, she feels nothing for him, but he's a distraction from her feelings for Fitz, from Fitz's own intense way of looking at her across the garden. These are moments where she knows, deep down, that he still loves her, but she won't make the first step.

Not again. Not ever.

As for Zach, it's the bestest day of his life, he's never felt so happy. Well, that's not true, the day Fitz asked him whether he wanted to make a family with him in the US was the absolute best, and he was very happy then but it was the kind of happy where you want to cry as well. Today is different, today is the kind of happy where you want to smile all the time. Sports day was so good, he didn't win any of the races but he scored a goal – he scored a goal! And afterwards Fitz gave him a present, a football jersey! Just as an extra special treat to celebrate his first school sports day. He couldn't believe it. No one had ever given him a present, just like that, except for Christmas and his birthday, in Rwanda his mum and dad couldn't because they were very poor. And he doesn't remember when his birthday is. But Fitz said that he could choose one day in the year, which would be like his birthday. He hasn't decided which one yet.

But the best thing is, now they're all at Fitz's house, in the garden, and the sun is out, and there's Eli and Maya, and Ben and his parents, and Annie and her parents, and Poppy and her dad, Jake. Poppy's parents are divorced 'cause they couldn't get on, and at weekends she stays with her dad so he came to the barbecue. And there's Olivia of course, she was shouting so hard when he scored the goal that everybody could hear her, and he could see she was jumping up and down, but it didn't make him feel silly, it made him feel really, really good.

When they started the barbecue Fitz and Eli got into a pretend fight about how to do it, but then Fitz started laughing and said "OK. I'm throwing in the towel, you're in charge", which was odd because he didn't have a towel, they're all in the bathroom, but Eli seemed to be pleased. So, he did the sausages, it's important to pick some holes in them with a fork because if you don't they'll burst, and the potatoes, they had to be wrapped into this special shiny paper, so he got to do that with Ben, Annie and Poppy, they're his best friends from school.

And then it got all ready, and now they're eating, the kids on one side, the grown-ups on the other side, and they're all talking and laughing, and it's nice. But he's a bit worried, because Fitz isn't talking to Olivia especially, he's talking to everybody, but Olivia is talking a lot with Jake, and Poppy said "my dad fancies Olivia", and he isn't quite sure what it means but it gave him a funny feeling in his tummy, he didn't like it, not one bit.

Oh, but it's OK now, Jake has gone off to get some salad, and Olivia is talking to her parents, and Fitz is joining them, and they're all laughing at something Olivia says, and he's sitting close so he can see that Fitz is looking at Olivia as if no one else is here, he sometimes looks at him, Zach, that way too, so that must be good. Oh, but now Jake is joining them, and talking to Olivia again, and that's not good… It's so hard to see what's going on because he has to talk to Ben, Annie and Poppy. Fitz explained it, when you have guests you have to look after them and make sure they're having a good time and everything, you can't just go off and do your own thing. So, why is Fitz not really talking to Olivia, she's his guest too?

Fitz however, he's got nothing against Jake. Except that he's very good looking, has a wicked sense of humour, is a genuinely nice guy who's obviously devoted to his daughter, fond of Zach, in his mid-thirties, professionally successful… and obviously attracted to Olivia. Very attracted to Olivia.

From where he's sitting, he can see them laugh and joke together. They would make a very handsome couple, he can't help thinking painfully; his fair, classically good looks setting off her dark beauty. A thought comes into his head, unbidden, of the two of them making love… Stop it! He tells himself, just stop it….you've got no right to be jealous, she's got her own life to live, well, he assumes she's living it, because apart from talking to him about is Zach, she is tight lipped on anything else.

"If you don't get your act together soon, you're going to lose her."

He turns around, surprised. Maya is sitting next to him and looking at him with a mixture of affection and exasperation. He's too is very fond of her. Since he's come back from Ghana, she has remained steadfast, supportive and true. Although, nothing ever prepares him for her directness. "What do you mean?", he stalls.

"Fitz. Please. If looks could kill, Jake would be dead by now."

He doesn't know what to say. "It looks as if I've already lost her", he manages at last, with difficulty.

She shakes her head. "You haven't. Not yet. I know my daughter. However, sooner or later, you will. To Jake, or someone like him. Do you have any idea how many guys are after her, at the hospital?"

He feels as if she's punched him in the gut. "How would I know? I hardly see her at the hospital. In fact, I hardly see her at all."

"And whose fault is that?" She asks, gently.

For a while, he doesn't say a thing and watches Zach place some sausages on the barbecue under Eli's instructions. "Look at Eli", he chuckles, "He's in his element. By the way, since we're on the topic of our private lives, you two seem to be stronger than ever?"

She stares at him. "Fitz! We're not talking about me and Eli, we're talking about you and my daughter…" Never one to beat around the bush, Maya presses on… " Look, Olivia would kill me if she knew I'm telling you this but… if it hadn't been for Zach, she'd have left Washington." She notices how pale he's become, and carries on, without sparing him. "Yes, Fitz, that's how hard she is finding it. But she won't leave, because that would be like abandoning Zach, and she doesn't want to do that. I mean, look at her. She's twenty three, she should be having fun, and enjoying herself, after all the traumas she went through, but she doesn't. Instead, she's hanging in there, trying to get over you, and failing, and all this because she's made a life-long commitment to a little boy she didn't even know six months ago. So yes, she hurt you terribly when Josh died, yes, she should have helped you through it just as you helped her, but you know what? She's racked with guilt over it, she can't forgive herself, and she's changed. So, will you please get off your high horse, and go and get her back. Oh, and please, don't give me that crap about the age gap. Yes, it's big, yes it might cause problems down the road, so what? You didn't seem to think it was an issue when Josh was alive, so why now? Would you rather stay as you are, miserable and lonely basically, for the next ten or twenty years, or take a shot at happiness? Because if you don't, in a month, six months, a year from now, you'll be left behind and watch her be swept off her feet by someone else. As she deserves to be. And you'll only have yourself to blame for it."

She stops, having run out of steam, she stunned herself by her outburst. He's stunned too: it was almost intimidating, with her brutal honestly being delivered in such a low, controlled voice, through clenched teeth.

But before he can say anything, Eli is standing over them. "Everything OK, you two?" His eyes move back and forth between them, very watchful. Maya gets up and wraps her arms around his waist. "Everything's fine. We were just talking about… I'll tell you later. Shall we make a move baby? It's getting late."

He acquiesces, with a worried look towards Fitz, who's obviously very shaken. "Fitz? Are you OK?"

He nods. And is about to go and talk to Olivia – he doesn't know what he'll say to her, anything, just something, he just needs to stand close to her right now, but he can't. She too is leaving – it is getting late - but not alone.

With Jake.