Soooooooo... I was going to save this one till tomorrow morning, but after reading some of your replies re. Jake- I mean Joke, I had to put you's lot out of your misery...

Part 20

At last all the guests have gone, and he's alone with Zach, clearing up the mess, chatting with him about this eventful day, all the time desperately trying not to think about Jake's hand on Olivia's elbow as they're leaving his house. He doesn't know whether he's giving her a lift or inviting her back to his house. With Poppy around, probably not, but who knows. The thought is torturing him.

And as the evening wears on, he notices that Zach is getting increasingly silent. Not withdrawn, thoughtful, rather. He tucks him into bed, but as he's about to switch off the lights after one last hug, Zach calls out to him.

"Fitz?"

"Mmm?"

"What does it mean, to fancy someone?"

Oh boy. Here we go, he thinks, one of those grown up talks Zach always seems to want when I'm feeling exhausted. Plus, Eli is due back soon to bring me these papers I really need to look at tonight before tomorrow's ops… For a few seconds he is tempted to go and pick up the phone which is ringing insistently downstairs and considers brushing Zach off gently with a promise to talk about it tomorrow, but something tells him that he shouldn't.

So he lets the phone ring, and sits back next to Zach on the bed. Still, he stalls a bit. "Why do you ask?"

"Poppy said her dad fancies Olivia. And I don't know what that means."

Oh God, not this, not now… "Zach… it's hard to explain. It means really liking them, and wanting to give them cuddles and kisses, and to be with them. But not like you do with your child, or with your mum and dad. It's different."

Zach stiffens. "So it's a bad thing, then", he says flatly.

Fitz goes very still. Careful, he tells himself, be very, very careful about what you say now. "Why, Zach? Why is it bad?", he asks gently, having an inkling of Zach's answer, and dreading it already.

"Because Tom, in the camp, he wanted to give me cuddles and kisses, and I hated it."

It's the first time Zach has ever mentioned Tom to him, and it's a measure of his growing trust in their father-son relationship that he feels able to do so.

"Zach… when a grown-up fancies a kid, it's very, very bad. But when two grown-ups fancy each other, it's not bad. In fact, it's very nice. You'll see." Fitz manages to say through his painfully tight throat.

Zach doesn't look convinced. He shakes his head. "I don't want Jake to fancy Olivia. And I don't want Olivia to fancy Jake", he says stubbornly.

Again, he knows what Zach is going to say, and is dreading it, and yet he asks: "Why not? If… if it makes her happy to fancy Jake", he forces himself to go on, "why don't you want her to?"

Zach looks away. "Because I want her to fancy you", he whispers.

Fitz closes his eyes, briefly. "Zach… look…"

"I know." Zach cuts him off, looking at him this time. "Olivia explained it. She said she didn't know whether we could ever be a family. But that's not like she said she was sure, right?"

"That's right, Zach, but…"

"So I thought maybe, one day… but if she fancies Jake, and he fancies her… it will never happen…" His chin is trembling, but he seems determined not to cry.

He doesn't know what to say to comfort him. "Zach… I'm sorry, I really am. Sometimes, you really, really want something, and you can't get it, and I know how hard it is… but after a while, it gets easier, it doesn't hurt as much, you'll see." He can hear how inadequate his words are. So, he simply cups Zach's cheek with his hand, and kisses him on his forehead. "I love you, Zach."

When he leaves Zach's bedroom a long while later, he's feeling as if he's been put through the mill. First Maya, then Zach, and seeing Olivia so relaxed, so joyful with Jake… unthinkingly, he pushes Josh's door open. I must stop thinking of it as Josh's bedroom, he thinks, he's gone, He. Is. Gone. He can see the boxes, still stacked up in the far corner, the dismantled bed against the wall… and begins to shake.

The doorbell rings, forcing him to get himself under control. That'll be Eli with those papers. I have to go and let him in…

Heavily, slowly, he makes his way downstairs, and opens the door. "Eli, thanks for…"

The words die on his lips.

When Eli rang to tell her that he was on call, and that the hospital had phoned him in because of an emergency, and could she please do him a favour and drop those papers off at Fitz's, she realised she didn't have a choice. She didn't really want to do it though. She had become aware throughout the day that Jake was attracted to her, and had to let him down gently when he insisted that she stay at his house for dinner that evening. She's not really interested, but it's the first time in ages a man like him –handsome, successful, and obviously a very decent person – has made it crystal clear to her that she is desirable, attractive, and has a lot to offer, not just for fun and thoughtless sex, but for something solid, deep and meaningful. She is flattered, but at the same time she can't help comparing his behaviour to Fitz's – Fitz who obviously wants to stay away from her as much as possible, who couldn't even be bothered to talk to her on the phone when Zach invited her to his sports day, who didn't even react when she went off with Jake. So frankly, she'd much rather spend some time at home, by herself, quietly, than face him. She tried to phone him to ask when was a convenient time to bring the papers round, but he didn't pick up the phone. Might as well go now, she thinks, in and out, get it over with….

He's opened the door at last, and he is now staring at her as if he is seeing a ghost. She can't help feeling nervous. "Dad asked me to drop by and give you this, he was called in by the hospital and couldn't come", she blurts out, thrusting the papers into his hands.

"Oh. OK." He sounds very awkward, not particularly pleased to see her, so she turns away from him. "Well, I'd better be off, then", she says.

"Olivia! Wait. Would you… would you like to come in?"

She takes a proper look at him. His face is drawn, there are deep lines on either side of his mouth, and his eyes are very tired.

"Fitz, are you OK", she is feeling concerned.

"It's been a long day", he smiles weakly. "Look, why don't you come in", he repeats.

"OK" She walks past him. "You don't mind if I go up to use the bathroom, do you? I'll be right back."

He waits for her in the living room, struggling to get a grip on his feelings, aware of how dry his mouth is, how unsteady his hands are… come on, he tells himself, you're being given this chance, don't blow it. Do it, do it tonight, that way, whatever happens, you'll know where you stand…

He's lost in his thoughts, and doesn't hear her come back.

"Fitz?" She asks hesitantly.

He looks up at her from the sofa, questioningly. There's an odd expression on her face.

"Fitz… Josh's bedroom door was open… I couldn't help noticing all the boxes, and his cot. Look, I could take them to the charity shop myself if you want. I know you're very busy."

He shakes his head. "It's not that", he whispers. "I mean, it's not because I'm busy."

He knows that if he utters one more word, he'll lose it, and he doesn't want to do that, not in front of her, so he stops. But she is aware –even though he himself isn't – of how bleak he looks and sounds. "Fitz, what's wrong?" She asks gently. Still he won't say anything. "You know", she says tiredly, "I was really hoping that however awkward things have been between us lately, you could trust me enough by now to talk to me about things. That you'd know I'd always be here to listen." She pauses. "I guess I was wrong. I'd better go", she finishes in a broken voice.

She's almost reached the door, when his voice –almost unrecognizable with grief- stops her. "I can't give those boxes away. I just can't." She turns around: he's losing his composure, in fact, he's slowly crumbling before her eyes. Without even thinking about it, she goes and sits next to him, and takes him in her arms. He collapses against her. She can barely make his words out. "I can't bear it, Liv, I can't bear that he's gone forever, that… that we'll never see him grow up, we'll never take him to the park, we'll never have school sports day with him… I… it'll be his birthday next month and we'll never celebrate that with him and I'm dreading it… I… I can't give those boxes away because that would mean accepting he's gone and I can't, I just can't…"

For a long, long time, he lets it all out, he tells all that he's been needing to tell her for months but couldn't, and she sits there, without saying anything, just holding him, rubbing his back, letting her own tears flow, not for herself, but for him.

At last he stops, drained of strength and energy. "How do you cope, Liv", he whispers, raising his head to look at her, his face wet with tears. "Day in, day out? I mean… how do you do it?"

She strokes his cheek. "Same as you, I suppose. Some days I wake up, and my first thoughts are for him, and it's so hard I can barely get out of bed. Or I'll be in taking a break at work, and for some reason, I think of him, and I start crying and I'll have to force myself to finish my shifts… Other days, it's more manageable. I tell myself I have things, people, to live for. My work. My dad, my mum. My friends" She stops, and then adds, softly: "And Zach. I feel so grateful to have him in my life, to have him to love... you know."

He nods, unable to speak. For a while, they don't say anything. But then she realises that she's still holding him, and that their bodies fit as well together as she remembers. She doesn't want to break this moment, but she also knows she couldn't stand to have him move away from her, and thank her in that formal tone of his, and tell her that he's sorry he lost control, and glad they talked, but that it's getting late and perhaps it's time to call it a day and he'll see her at the hospital on Monday… So, she gets up, preempting him. "Look, I really had better go. You'll be OK, you'll see."

He won't let go of her hand, though. "No, Liv… please. I… there's more. Please?"

Reluctantly, she comes back to sit next to him. "Liv…I know for a fact that your dad isn't on call this weekend. And maybe he sent you over with those papers so that he could have the whole evening with your mum, without having to come here, but somehow, I don't think that's why. I think…" He swallows, his mouth very dry again, unable to look at her… "I think he wanted to throw the two of us together tonight because… so that… I could finally tell you how I feel and…"

This is it, he tells himself, if you say it, there's no going back… he turns to face her, fully, and looks at her face taut with anticipation, her eyes, her parted lips. "You see… those boxes, Josh' bed… if I give them away, it means that it's completely over between us, that there's no chance of us ever…"

That he can't say, not yet, it's too soon. But Olivia won't let him prevaricate. "No chance of us what, Fitz?", she pleads.

He takes a deep breath. "I want to have another a child with you", he whispers, "I want to know what it'd be like to have you tell me with joy and trust, right from the beginning, that you're expecting my baby… I want to see you get bigger and bigger from day one, I want to go to all the scans… I want to be there when you feel him or her move for the first time… I want to go to sleep with my hand on your stomach and feel our baby move… I want you to get mad at me at two in the morning because I forgot to buy some chocolate ice cream… I want to hold a child of ours in my arms again, and to see them grow up and smile, and laugh… I want us to be a proper family, with Zach, and to give him a brother or sister, and…"

She's pulling away from him and jumps to her feet. "Why?", she asks, almost harshly. "Why, Fitz? Because our baby died and you can't get over it, so having another baby would make you feel better? Because Zach is desperate for us to be together and you would do anything to make him happy? Is that why?"

He stares at her, aghast, and jumps to his feet too. "Of course not! How could you think that?!"

"Then why, Fitz?!"

He can't believe she would need to ask. "But… but because I love you! Why else?! I mean, what do you think, that you're nothing to me but a baby carrier?! For God's sake, Olivia… I don't just want any child, with any woman, I want to have a child with you, because I love you. And if you don't want to have a child again, fine, it'll be hard, but fine. At the end of the day, what matters the most to me is you!"

He sighs. "Liv", he carries on, more calmly, "I'm getting older, I'm tired of fighting my feelings for you all the time, I just want… I want to wake up with you every day and know that I'll see you back home after work and that we'll help Zach with his homework together and have dinner with him, and maybe watch a movie all together… I don't want to torture myself with thoughts of you and another man and imagine what it could have been like between us if only I'd had the courage to tell you how I felt… I want to make love with you knowing that you love me as much as I love you and that it's OK if I end up begging you for it… I want to…"

He can't go on: she's started crying, long, deep sobs. "Liv…please, don't cry, I can't bear to see you cry… come here…." He wraps her in his arms and holds her against him, so tightly that she must find it painful. But she doesn't seem to mind. "I thought you'd never say it", she gulps, "I thought you'd keep saying you want me or need me, but not that you love me, like in Ghana, and I couldn't cope with that…"

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry it took me so long to get there… I'll say it to you every day, I promise… every day Livvie…."

She looks at him, eyes swollen, not quite believing yet that they've finally got there. "Fitz, about what happened after Josh died… have you really forgiven me for it? Because if you haven't, deep down, then there's no point. Because one day, we'll have a row, all couples do… and I can't bear the thought that you could throw it back to my face." She swallows. "Please, Fitz", she whispers, "you have to be honest with me on this, and with yourself."

He starts stroking her face, gently, tenderly. "It's not about me forgiving you, Olivia… it's about us forgiving each other for everything. I mean… sure, I needed you, and you couldn't be there for me… and it nearly killed me... but… for a long time, before Josh's birth I wasn't there for you either! Let's face it, it's not as if I had given you many reasons to trust me, right? Plus, I know all too well what it's like to retreat into oneself, when your grief is just too awful to bear... I did it to my own daughter, when Mellie died- And then I judged you so unfairly when you did the same thing to me..."

She doesn't look convinced. "Liv… we hurt each other in many ways, very deeply. But we still love each other, and we still want to be with each other. That's the important thing. Isn't it? Liv, isn't it?" he pleads, with desperation in his voice.

He looks at her intently, as if he's never seen her properly before, and slowly, ever so slowly, she nods and begins to smile past the tears pooled in her eyes. She raises herself up on her feet, and starts kissing him, so deeply, so probingly, that he can feel his desire for her surge through his body. And so can she. But she pulls away from him. "Fitz… I love you, and I want you so much... but… not tonight, OK? I… we both need time, I think."

He kisses her nose. "You're right." Her phone is ringing. "You'd better get that."

She looks at the screen, and smiles at him. "Dad, hi…how did your op go", she asks innocently, with a twinkle in her eyes. "What? Well, you know, your op… didn't you have to… go to the hospital in an emergency? Right… good, glad it went well. Patient OK then?" Fitz starts laughing, imagining Eli's face on the other side of the line, and she's struggling not to give the game away. "Don't worry Dad, I gave those papers to Fitz. Where am I now? Oh , in his arms. Hey, no need to shout, you're splitting my eardrums… yes, in his arms Dad." She says, chokingly, "Dad, thanks. For everything."

She disconnects the call and smiles at Fitz radiantly. "Well, he's feeling rather chuffed. He'll be unbearably smug for the next few weeks, you realise that right?"

"Yep. Liv… I want to spend as much time with you as possible… and we'll have to tell Zach at some point, and sort out living arrangements, and…" She cuts him off with a finger on his lips. "Shhshh… there's plenty of time for that. Zach doesn't need to know anything right away, let's just enjoy each other for now, shall we?"

As Olivia's cab pulls into the driveway, Zach creeps back upstairs, gripped in a whirlwind of emotions.