Hopefully I should have another part for you tonight, but in the meantime here's a little filler for you...
Part 21
He doesn't know what to think. He'd woken up again, one of those nightmares, he doesn't have as many now but when they come they're pretty bad. And Fitz wasn't coming in, so he went downstairs to get a glass of water, he can do that now, Fitz showed him where the glasses are. And then he saw that Olivia was there, and he was going to run to her and say hi, but then he stopped and sat on the steps, because Olivia was talking to Eli on the phone about papers and a patient, and she was standing in Fitz's arms, and putting her fingers on his lips, and saying that he, Zach, didn't need to know anything. So, what's happening then? Maybe they're back to being friends. That'd be nice, at least that way they could do things together, the three of them, like in Ghana. But it's weird because he's friends with Poppy and she doesn't stand in his arms. Or, maybe they've decided for sure that they won't make a family together and they don't want to tell him because they know he'll be upset… but he knows already; Jake fancies Olivia, and one day Fitz will fancy some other woman and that woman will fancy him too because he looks so nice, especially when he dresses up with a tie to go to work, he knows that, even if he doesn't like it one bit.
He really hates it when people do that, when they say that kids don't need to know. He needs to know.
Between having the nightmare and then worrying about Fitz and Olivia all night, he hasn't had much sleep, so he's really tired and sleepy, but now it's morning and it's time to get up, and there's a weird sound coming from the bathroom, so he goes to look, to invesgitake, or investigate, or something like that. It's Fitz, he's shaving, and he's whistling. But Fitz never whistles, ever! He loves watching him shave, he does it so neatly, one day when he is a grown-up he too will shave, but it sounds annoying to have to do it every day. But Fitz said in that case he could grow a beard. He's not sure he wants to do that, when Fitz doesn't shave, on Saturdays and Sundays, he feels rough when he kisses you. But today is Sunday, so why he is shaving? And why is he whistling?
"Fitz."
"Oh, you're up. Good. Let's go and have some breakfast. Then we can talk about…"
"Fitz, it's Sunday, why are you shaving?"
Why is Fitz looking at him as if he's said something really smart? "And good morning to you, Zach. Well… because I was thinking that today, maybe we could go for a walk, and then lunch in a restaurant. It's better to shave if you go out and see people."
That's silly, they've done stuff out before on Sundays and Fitz didn't shave. "Zach…" Fitz sounds gentle, maybe he's guessed he's feeling weird. "Zach… would it be OK if Olivia came with us?"
Would it be OK? Would it be OK?! It gives him a strange feeling in his stomach, he doesn't want to be too happy, because if he is too happy he's going to hope to have that wonderful dream again- the three of them, as a family; but both Fitz and Olivia said it wouldn't happen, so he can't start dreaming about it again, so he'll say yes, it's OK, and that'll be it.
It's hard though because now they're walking in the woods, and talking, and laughing, and he just wants to run and shout he's so happy, but he doesn't, instead, he walks calmly with them, like a grown-up. He can see that they're not holding hands or anything like that, but when they bump into each other, they don't move away quickly like people do. It's all so confusing, it's like having grown-up thoughts and seeing grown-up things but you don't really understand what's going on.
It's OK though, he'll have the biggest ice-cream at the restaurant. That will make him feel better and at least then he can show some of his excitement.
3 weeks later
Zach has gone to bed, and they're lingering in the kitchen. They've taken to doing that a lot in the last few weeks, going on outings with Zach, and having diner, the three of them, at his house. They haven't told much to Zach, just that they wanted to do things with him, like in Ghana. Much to their surprise, he didn't show much of a reaction.
She is looking out to the garden, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings, he is looking at her profile, beautiful in the fading light. How could I ever think that I wouldn't miss this, us, the two of us, together, he tells himself. She's drawing the best out of me, making me a better person. I'm less impatient, more relaxed, more tolerant of others when I'm with her… He is loathe to disrupt this moment of peaceful and companionable silence, but there's something on his mind, and he needs to bring it out into the open.
"Livvie."
She turns to look at him, with a contented smile, and for a few seconds he's tempted to leave it. No, he thinks, do it, otherwise we'll both fall back into our old pattern of not talking about the tough things….
He clears his throat. "Liv, I… you know I love you, right?"
Her smiles widens. "Well, you've told me a few times today when Zach was out of earshot, so yes, I know. Why?"
"And you love me, right?"
She's puzzled. "Sure. I've told you a few times too. Fitz, what's wrong?"
He doesn't know how to say it in a roundabout way, and at the same time he's feeling shy and insecure. Best to jump into it. He takes a deep breath. "So why do we always do things with Zach? Why don't you ever want to spend proper time with me alone? Why don't you want… why don't you want to… to be, well, to have…"
Her smile has gone. "You mean, to have sex", she says flatly.
He stiffens. "No, actually. What I meant to say, is, why are we not making love?"
The silence in the room is no longer peaceful or companionable: it's tense, wary, difficult. She's no longer looking restful: she's staring at him, with fear and defensiveness in her eyes. He leans over towards her, across the table. "Livvie", he says softly, "don't shut me out. Don't make the mistake of assuming that I won't understand. Please I… I want you, and it's hard at the moment because every time we get close, you push me away. Sometimes literally. If you need more time, that's fine, I can understand that. But I need to know that it's the reason. That you still want me, but that you need time."
She's about to say something but he doesn't see it, because suddenly he can't bring himself to look at her, crushed by his own insecurities. "Look, Liv, if… if you no longer desire me, if you think we can't rekindle that part of our relationship… you have to tell me."
"Oh Fitz, why would you think that?" She can't believe that he would think that, and that she could have been so insensitive not to be aware of it.
"Why not Liv, I'm twenty five years older than you and… I know it didn't make a difference to you before but maybe it does now, I mean…" He shrugs, feeling a bit afraid, a bit powerless really. Vulnerable.
"I'm sorry", she whispers, "I'm so sorry. It's not that at all, it's…" Her chin is beginning to tremble. "I want you so much, Fitz, and I'm scared that if we spend a lot of time together, alone, if… if we keep hugging and kissing, then we'll end up in bed and…" She can't carry on. All she can do is look at him and see how bewildered he looks.
"But why would that be a problem, Liv? Why?"
For a long time, she can't say anything. Then finally, eyes brimming with tears, she confesses it all. "Because next week, it would have been his first birthday… and in a few weeks, it's the first anniversary of his death, and I can't bear the prospect of going through all this… and I feel so incredibly guilty for wanting you, and being happy with you, even though he's gone, and…"
She's crying openly now, and it's breaking his heart. He goes around the table and kneels in front of her and grabs her hands in his. "Oh sweetheart… it's OK, it's OK, I understand… it's OK."
He lifts her up to her feet and settles her onto the sofa, safely ensconced in his arms.
"Fitz, I don't think I can go through the next few weeks, I…."
"We will Liv, together, we will… You'll see. We'll get through those days and weeks together. And then after, when we're ready, we can refocus on us, we'll work it all out… I love you Livvie", he whispers with a heavy heart.