Part 22

The thing with listening to grown-ups having grown-up chats without them knowing, is that OK, it means you get to find out about the things they won't tell you, but then it gives you a sick feeling in your stomach, like you really shouldn't know about those things.

The other night, he crept downstairs. They'd had such a nice day, they'd been in the forest and seen some nice birds and squirrels, and then they'd had a picnic, and it was a lot of fun. Then he went to bed. He knew Olivia was staying a bit, so he couldn't sleep because he was excited about her being here with Fitz, so he went downstairs, he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. And then he wished he hadn't done it, because they were talking about having sex and making love, and that's definitely grown up talk. He doesn't really understand it, but due to this older kid at school he now knows the word sex has something to do with the word "screwing". The other day, this kid said that his mum and her new boyfriend were doing that a lot, and he was sniggering about it, and it sounded really dirty, and it reminded him of Tom in the camp. So, he doesn't want to think about Fitz and Olivia doing it.

And then, a week after hearing Fitz and Olivia talk about that stuff, he had another fight at school, with this same kid, his name is Mark, he's 11, and he keeps laughing at him and calling him names. He doesn't mind it, he pretends he isn't listening, but this time, Mark was going on, and on, and on about Fitz not being his real dad. All the time he kept thinking about what Olivia had told him, that Fitz is a real dad to him even though he didn't make him with his small seed, but then Mark said "do you really think your dad will want you around, now that he's got a floozy to keep him happy?" He didn't know that word, floozy, but he pretended he knew and didn't care, but Mark wasn't fooled because he said "yeah, y' know, this Olivia girl… my mum says it's disgusting, an old man like him, screwing a girl young enough to be his daughter, she's kind of fit though…"

He was so angry, it felt as if a red curtain was coming down his eyes, and all he could do was jump on Mark and beat him with his fists, if one of the teachers had seen it he'd have been in real trouble. He got a bruise on his cheek and when Fitz asked him what happened after school he lied and said he'd fallen over running in the playground. Fitz didn't ask more questions, which was weird, because usually he asks lots of questions about school. But he looked so upset that day, so, so, so upset. So, it wasn't the time to ask him about floozies. And Olivia was very sad too. The day he had that fight, Fitz wasn't working, and Olivia wasn't working either, and she was at the house when he came back from school (Annie's mum had dropped him off), and her eyes were red, red like they were when she said goodbye to him in Ghana. So that means she had been crying, then.

So, he didn't say anything about the fight at school, and the bit about the floozy, because he didn't want to upset them more, so instead he went to give her a big hug and went up to his room.

That was seven weeks ago. He knows, because he's been counting days on the calendar again, since that day, which was the 12th of July. And since then, he's really wanted to ask, but he can't, because Fitz looks sad. And OK, he smiles at him, and does stuff with him and gets him ready for school, and reads stories, but you can tell, he's sad. The only good thing these days is that Olivia is spending much more time with the two of them, and she hugs Fitz a lot, and Fitz hugs her too, and he often gives her a special little smile. And he knows that a lot of the time, when he goes to bed, she stays around with Fitz, and they talk, whereas before she would go home. But he doesn't creep downstairs anymore.

Yesterday, Fitz said that today he and Olivia, and Eli and Maya would take the day off, and Quinn too, and get together to remember Josh, because today is one year since he died. He said they'd all go to the cemetery and think about Josh, and then come back to the house to have a bit of food. He said –he can remember the words exactly-"Olivia and I would really like you to be there, Zach, because we love you, and… and because we would have loved for you to know Josh, but you don't have to. If you don't want to be there, I can arrange for you to spend the afternoon at Annie's, or Poppy's, or Ben's."

Of course he wanted to be there. So now he is standing next to Fitz with the others at the cemetery, in front of a tiny, tiny stone which looks like it's a rectangle. It's called a grave, Maya explained it to him. There's something written on it, in gold letters Josh Pope-Grant, 12/07/2015-30/08/2015. He recognises the date 12/07, he's learnt to read dates that way as well, and it's July 12th, it's the same day he had that fight at school, except a year before. He wasn't sure what the dates meant on the stone, so he asked Maya when he first saw the grave, he knew he couldn't really ask Fitz or Olivia. And Maya said it meant Josh was born on July 12 and died on August 30. She sounded like she couldn't talk properly, like there was something stuck in her throat. So the day he had the fight with Mark about Olivia being a floozy, that was the day Josh would have been one years old. Maybe that's why Fitz and Olivia were so sad that day.

He's thinking about all this, trying to figure it all out, but then he realises that Fitz is gripping his hand so hard it almost hurts, so he looks up, and he feels as if everything stops moving. Because Fitz is crying. And he isn't making a noise, he isn't even shaking his shoulders, he isn't even sniffing with his nose, he's just standing there, very straight, very tall, and the tears keep coming, and coming, and coming.

He can't stand Fitz crying, because if Fitz cries, it's like… it feels as if he's almost like a kid, because kids cry. And OK, Olivia cries, and she's always protected him from bad stuff, and she isn't a kid, she's definitely a grown-up. But with Fitz, it's hard to explain, it's… different. It's like when his other dad, back in Rwanda, cried a lot because his little sister had died. He started crying, and crying, and crying, and his uncles and aunts kept saying "pull yourself together, be a man", and they didn't say it to his mum, only his dad, but his dad couldn't stop crying, and it all went to pieces. You couldn't really talk to him about stuff anymore, and then the bad men came to their house and killed his mum, and his brothers, and his dad couldn't do anything and they killed him too. He got lucky because he was in another village with some other family that day.

The thing is, he doesn't know what to do to make Fitz stop crying. He loves him so much it hurts sometimes, and he'd do anything for him, but he's just a kid, and he doesn't know what to do now. He can see that Eli is moving closer, but then, suddenly, Olivia comes on the other side of Fitz. She has tears in her eyes, but she's really calm, and she puts her arms around Fitz, and just stands there, holding him but it doesn't look as if it's working because Fitz is still crying. And then Olivia whispers something, and because he's so close he can hear it. She keeps saying "it's OK, Fitz, it's OK, it's OK…." So maybe it's OK if a grown-up man cries then. He'll have to ask her.

And now they're back at the house, trying to eat, even Quinn's not laughing and making jokes like she usually does. She's giving him a plate with plenty of food on it and says "Zach, why don' t you go and give this to your old man, he looks like he really needs it."

He's feeling really weird, like he's watching himself do it from the other side of a window, he's jumping to his feet, and screaming: "Fitz isn't old! Stop saying he's old!"

They're all looking at him, with their mouths open like fish, and all he can do is run upstairs to his bedroom, and throw himself on his bed, and cry.

Quinn is flabbergasted: who would have thought that her innocuous suggestion would trigger such an explosion? She looks at Fitz pleadingly. "I'm so sorry, I have no idea what happened, I just…"

"Don't worry, Quinn", he's quick to reassure her. "I'll go and find out."

Olivia follows him out of the room. "Fitz, do you want me to come with you?"

He sighs. "I have a feeling it's not going to be easy… God, today of all days…"

He looks and sounds so tired, so worn out, that her heart goes out to him. "Come on, let's go and talk to him, together."

Any flash of irritation and annoyance he felt at Zach's outburst just vanishes at the sight of him, curled up on his bed, his entire body racked with sobs, Josh's teddy bear pressed convulsively against his body.

He hasn't heard them, so they sit on the bed very gently, very quietly, so as not to startle him. "Zach", Fitz whispers, "Zach, what's wrong? What's happening?"

For a long time, Zach is crying too hard to say anything. All his repressed anxieties and anger of the last few weeks are coming out, and he's powerless to do anything about it. All he can do is cry, and burrow against Fitz's chest and grip Olivia's hand as tight as he can. They murmur words of endearment, stroke his back, help him blow his nose, waiting for him to tell them whatever it is that has been bothering him. They've been aware for weeks that there's something wrong, they've both tried, separately, to talk to him about it, but to no avail, but they sense that tonight he will finally open up, and they have all the time in the world.

His cries subside. "Zach", Olivia says gently, "Zach, we both love you very much, and we want to help you. We're not cross with you, Quinn isn't cross with you… we just want to know what's wrong."

He doesn't know where to start. He feels as if the words are rushing out, in no particular order. He is ashamed at his behaviour, and scared that they will get cross if he tells them all that's on his mind.

"You know, Zach", Fitz says, "when people say "your old man", it means "your dad." It's got nothing to do with being old, it just means that, "your dad." You didn't know that, did you?"

He shakes his head. "Right. Well, now you know. I'm your old man."

"But you're not old", Zach says defiantly.

"No, I'm not. Why are you…"

"And you're not too old", Zach cuts him off stubbornly.

"Too old for what, Zach?", Fitz asks patiently.

The little boy swallows. He can't bring himself to looking at either of them. "To…to screw Olivia."

They're stunned: by his crudity, not at all like him, by his directness, and by the depth of his problem. Before they can say anything, it all comes tumbling out, what the kid said at school, his worries about how exactly the two of them get on, whether they're having sex, and whether it's good or bad like the things Tom, back in the camp, did to him… his anguish at the cemetery when Fitz started crying, his fear that Olivia won't want to be with Fitz in the end because he's too old… everything.

Fitz remembers what Zach's therapist told him, in one of his meetings with her.

"You have a very tough job to do, and a difficult few years ahead of you", she said. "Because of the abuse he has suffered, he's much more sexually aware than any child his age ought to be, but because he's just a child, and because he's deeply ashamed of what happened to him, he's terrified by his, and others', sexuality (yes, his too, Fitz: children are sexual beings, from birth, actually.) Particularly in those he loves, and I'm afraid you're top of the list. At the same time, he desperately needs certainty and reassurance. That's why he keeps counting days. The man who abused him, Tom…he used to come to Zach's dormitory every three days, on the clock. Oh, you didn't know that did you? Well, that's when Zach developed this habit. He needed to know when it… when it would happen, to prepare himself for it. And that's why he needs to know when things will happen, or how long ago they did happen. Add to this the trauma of losing his entire family, under those kinds of circumstances… That's also why, generally, he needs to know what goes on around him. So don't be surprised if he is fascinated by your…love life. Most kids are interested into what their parents get up to, but with him, it will be probably be unhealthily intense, and mixed up with fear, and a desperate need for certainty." "I have this complicated relationship with a woman, Olivia", he remembers saying. "Zach knows her well, he loves her very deeply in fact, and his dream is that we'll all be a happy family together. But I don't know whether we can make it and…" "I know about Olivia", she told him gently, "he talks about her and draws her a lot. Almost as much as you. And I know about his dream. All I can say is… if he asks you, be honest, but don't go into any detail, just make it clear that it's between you and Olivia, but that your love for him and Olivia's love for him has nothing to do with that. Your job is to reassure him, and to maintain the tight boundaries which Tom violated. That's what he needs, now and for years to come: reassurance and boundaries. Which is why it's going to be so tough on you. But if you, and Olivia, can do it, you're his best chance at overcoming all this."

Great, he thinks now, holding Zach against him. And how exactly do I do that?

He opens his mouth, not sure what to say, needing to say something, anything to make sure Zach knows he's not angry. "Zach", he says gently, but quite firmly. "Listen to me. First of all, you don't use words like 'screw'. They make it all sound bad and dirty, but it's not always like that. What Tom did in the camp was very, very bad. But when two grown-ups do it, and when they do it loving each other, it's not bad. That's why it's better to call it 'making love.' It's beautiful. In fact, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it's beautiful because… because it belongs to them, and only to them, you see?"

He clearly doesn't. Olivia looks at Fitz questioningly. Go for it, he tells her with his eyes. "Zach, look", she says. "Sometimes, you take your teddy into the garden with you and you talk to him, and you tell him things, and it's just between him and you, right? And Fitz and I- we don't ask you what you've told him. And it makes you feel nice to share these things with your teddy, and only with him, right? Well, when two grown up decide they love each other enough to make love –not to screw, Zach, but to make love, it's the same. They don't talk about it to other people, because it's their own thing. You see?"

He nods. He's still safely locked in Fitz's arms, but his eyes are glued to her face. "Good, Zach, that's good. So that's why we won't tell you whether we are making love. Because it belongs to us. All you need to know is that we love each other very, very much. But the most important thing is that we love you and that no matter what happens between us, whether or not we make love, whether or not we live together, we'll always be there for you. Always. And so…"

As she keeps talking, she's so focused on him that she doesn't look at Fitz once, and that she misses the expression on his face. He's never felt such a surge of love for her as he is feeling now – so powerful that it brings tears to his eyes. How do you do this, Olivia, how do you find the words so easily… I know they will reassure Zach only for a bit, that we're in this for the long haul, that there'll be times when he'll push at us to know exactly what's going on, that he won't be truly happy until we all live together here, which is a bit of a problem because you're not feeling quite ready for us to make love let alone for moving in… but at least, tonight, it's working, his breathing is slowing down, I can feel his body relax…

When she's done talking, Zach turns to him, with a deep, serious look in his eyes. He rubs his cheek against the little boy's thick and curly black hair, and rocks him gently. He doesn't need to say anything, all he needs to do is communicate in gestures what Olivia said in words.

She's exhausted. "Come on, tiger, you need to get some sleep, and I need to check on everyone else downstairs. So I'll leave you two to it."

As she's about to open the bedroom door, Zach speaks up "Is that how babies are made? When the two parents get their small seeds together to grow a baby, they do it by making love?"

This time Fitz answers him. "Yes, they do."

"Is that why Josh was so special?"

They look at each other, the pain of their loss slightly less acute somehow, but still… But there's no mistaken the worry in Zach's eyes. Olivia kneels in front of him and takes his hands in hers. "Yes, that's why. But there are other ways for a child to be special. You're very, very special to us too, even though we didn't make you the way we made Josh. OK?"

He nods, somewhat sleepily now, letting go of her hands. Before closing the door behind her, on her way downstairs, she takes a look at Fitz: be as long as you need to be, she tells him silently with her eyes, he's what matters tonight, you and I will have our time together. Soon.

They've all gone, the kitchen and dining room are spotless, and there's a note on the table; it's in Eli's handwriting.

We thought it would take you a while to sort Zach out and that you'd probably want to be alone afterwards, so we cleaned everything up and let ourselves out.

And Maya and I want to say this – which I know I personally should have said a long time ago. I miss Josh terribly, we both do – more than we would have thought possible. Our only consolation is that he couldn't have wished for better parents. Same with Zach. Love to you both.

Eli and Maya

PS: Quinn says to tell Zach that he can come and watch a western movie with her any time.

She places the note on the table, and for the first time since she got up this morning with the dreadful prospects of the memorial ahead of her, she allows herself to cry without holding back. Mum and Dad are right, she thinks, I've lost a son, but gained one in Zach… Is that how Fitz sees it too? Does he think that I am like a mother to Zach? She wonders… I really hope so…

Suddenly she isn't alone anymore. Fitz is standing behind her, taking her weight against him, wrapping her in his arms. After a while, she disengages herself from him and turns around. "Livvie", he whispers, "the way you've been, the last few weeks, and today… so many times I thought I couldn't go through with it all, but you were always there and… thanks. I couldn't have done it without you. Particularly with Zach tonight." He stops, feeling that his words are inadequate to convey the depth of his love and gratitude.

She smiles at him weakly and puts her fingers on his mouth. "I love you, Fitz, and I love him. That's all there is to it."

He kisses her gently. "Look. I've run you a bath… do you want to stay here tonight? I mean, I know you need more time, and anyway, I'm not good for anything except sleep tonight but would it be OK if…"

He's fumbling so badly, and is looking so sheepish, that she can't help laughing through her tears. "Yes. I'll stay here tonight, I'll even sleep, as in sleep, with you."

"Let's go upstairs then".