Totally astonished Alyssae stared at Fili's lifeless body, that slid off her. The blood that poured out of the wound spread like wildfire and soon an increasing pool was formed.
"No," was all she could say. She sank down on her knees and grabbed his hand, staring at him. She took a deep breath for a few times, but she didn't dare to cry, afraid her tears would make his dead permanent.
Somewhere on the background a sword fell on the ground.
"Fili!" Thorin's voice seemed to make the earth beneath her knees tremble, but she didn't look up to him. The emptiness in Fili's eyes captivated her glance.
From the corner of her eye she saw his brother kneel beside him. Tears ran down his cheeks. "You can't leave me," Kili whispered sniffing. "I can't live without you."
Alyssae wanted to hold him tight, but she could not move. She should have laid there. He had sacrificed his life for her, while she had chosen to be with the man who caused all this misery.
If there had been someone who should die for her, it was Thorin, but he rather did the opposite. He found she didn't deserve to be alive, and now she saw Fili's dead body she felt the same.
Actually Thorin had seen the only solution. Her dead would end the oath. The gems would stay here and Thranduil would have no reason to march to Erebor, for they owed him nothing.
A lonely tear ran down her cheek, followed by many others. This was just as much her fault as it was Thorin's. They did not supplement each other like a couple was supposed to do. They only intensified the traits that could better stay hidden in a dark soul.
"I am sorry," she murmured with a quivering lower lip, but she knew that would not bring him back to life. In despair she looked at Thranduin, who was also crying.
Everyone was crying.
"Is there nothing you can do?"
Thranduin shook his head slowly.
Alyssae stared at Fili's body again. In another situation she probably would have forced Thranduin to do something, but her knees felt weak and she couldn't stand up. She was in shock.
It was Kili who tore her loose from her numbed state. He screamed heartbroken and beat with his fists against the floor. Some dwarves tried to hush him, but there was no word that could calm him down.
"I hate you," he screamed at Thorin. There after, many more curses followed which Alyssae could not understand.
Thorin did nothing. He stared at his knees and his face was so bleak she feared he could die any moment as well. Die by grief.
All the howling and crying drove her to madness. She pushed her hands against her ears because she had the feeling she was pushed into a deep abyss with no bottom. She wanted to leave this place. She wanted to go home, to her parents.
But even them, she did not dare to look in the eye. She would never forget how Fili jumped in front of her, how his blood drenched her skin. The guilt would never go away.
With shaking legs she stood up.
"What are you going to do?" Thranduin asked hesitating, although his voice seemed to accuse her.
"I'm going to solve this." She took her sword and looked at the others. She felt so much distress and pain that she could not think clearly, but her voice sounded steadfast when she started to speak. "I know this is all my fault. Thranduil said he would kill everyone if I would not return the gems. I agreed, but he forced me to swear an oath. He cursed my womb so that I could bear no children and he swore he would march to Erebor with his armies if I did not keep my promise. I am sorry." She did not dare to look at anyone. "The Arkenstone does not belong to him, but to you. There is only one way to break the vow." She placed her sword at the ground, the end upwards. She cut her fingers while holding the blade. "I love you all and I will never forget you, but I can't let Fili leave on his own."
She closed her eyes and fell forward in her sword. The blade cut her skin, muscles and sinews - and in the end also her heart. For a moment there was a horrible pain, which she welcomed because it drove off the protests of the dwarves and Thranduin, which swelled to the sound of a hurricane, until that died away as well.
Then she felt nothing. No pain. No guilt. No fear.
Nothing.