Thorin felt ice cold. Tears ran down his face when Alyssae fell forward. Her blade pierced her left shoulder. He was completely bewildered. The last moments left a large, gaping hole in his memory. He did not know why Fili laid on the ground - bleeding. He could not comprehend why life flew out of Alyssae, but somewhere a dark voice whispered this was all his fault.
His legs started to move before he realized and the next moment he fell on his knees before her. He bend over her fallen body while tears seemed to suffocate him. He hoped they would. He felt so empty inside, so torn apart that he only wanted to stop the burning pain, but he could not shed more blood. The monster that had been gnawing on the inside for a very long time, had came out. He had lost his dignity. He had lost himself.
He had been afraid that he would hurt Alyssae, but he never imagined he would kill her. He stared at her face. Tears were still on her cheeks, a despaired look was still in her eyes.
Weeping he shrunk, loneliness falling over him. Nobody paid attention to him and he knew that was what he deserved. Still the pain was so deep he was afraid he would lose himself again - and for good. With his nails he scratched his skin. The pain was a relief, but very tiny compared to the gaping hole in his heart.
That he had seen how Alyssae - his angel - had died before his eyes was horrible. But knowing that he was the cause of her dead, throttled his throat.
He wanted to scream. He wanted to destroy everything he could find. He wanted to smash the Arkenstone to pieces, but his body seemed to block every movement. As if he revolted against himself.
Thorin did not know if he could live on. Could he ever look his sister in the eyes? He had killed her son. He had murdered his own kin. He had disgraced himself and there was nothing he could do to make things right. He would be confronted with the truth every day. Fili was gone and he was the one to blame. Alyssae had killed herself because he had crunched her heart. Guilt would rule his life. Guilt - and fear. The fear that he would lose control of himself. He knew his mind was troubled without Alyssae. He had already freaked out, but he knew the unbearable pain would only make things worse.
He felt a hand on her shoulder, but did not look up.
"I might be able to save her."
A spark of hope was generated by these words and he looked at the elf. His eyes were red and his face was grim.
"How?" he uttered with a husky voice.
"I will offer her my heart."
Thorin stared at him, full of incomprehension, but he knew he would agree with anything. Did that mean she would be with Thranduin forever? He did not care. If she only lived and led a happy life, for he could never give that to her.
"It is only possible when you offer something too."
Thorin shook his shoulders impassively. He glanced at Alyssae again, but could not believe there was really something Thranduin could do for her.
"It is too late," Thorin whispered. "She's dead."
The grasp around his shoulder tightened. "I have to try. Listen, for we have little time. You have to sacrifice the Arkenstone for her. That gem possesses magic and will strengthen my magic."
"Fine."
He never wanted to see that cursed stone again.
"You have to give her my heart."
Thorin stared at him in shock. "What?"
"When I have cut out my heart, you have to place it into her chest."
His mouth dropped open. He had thought the elf had spoken metaphorically. "Your heart?"
"Yes. Only with a new heart she can live on." He took a deep breath. "But we have to do it now, before other organs will be damaged."
Thorin came upright, faltering. "Let me do it. Let me give her my heart, so that I have done at least something honorary in my life."