As soon as Thorin was gone, Alyssae let go of her anger. She had crawled to Thranduin's body and clung to his motionless, bleeding chest. "Why?" she whispered. "Why?"
She didn't get an answer. With eyes in which the light had disappeared, he kept staring to the ceiling. She did not know what to do. It felt as if she owed him so much that the burden that she had to carry would be far too heavy. How should she explain this to his family? How should she explain this to her own family? They didn't even know their engagement was cancelled.
She fell back on her knees and watched Fili's body, by which she felt even worse. He had given his life to save her and what had been her answer? She had ignored his sacrifice, making it all worthless.
"I am sorry," she whispered, crawling to him. She tried to wipe away the blood spatters from his face, but they had dried already.
Had he seen how she had killed herself? Was that the reason Thranduin had brought her back? Because he didn't want the young dwarf to die in vain? She would never have an answer.
The thoughts stopped running through her head when she heard light-hearted voices.
"You're alive!"
Before she could look up, two dwarves jumped upon her, followed by many others.
"How could you do that, Alys?" Bofur asked, eyes filled with tears.
Alyssae stared at the ground. "It felt like the only solution."
He hugged her tightly and them climbed off her. "You were wrong."
Alyssae didn't answer. Still she wished Thranduin was alive instead of her.
"I tried to stop them," Kili mumbled, taking her hand. "I am sorry. I thought it only would make things worse."
Alyssae said nothing. She was glad she was still alive because she felt obligatory to do so after what Fili had done for her, but she had the feeling that obligation was not the right path to walk upon.
"We have to carry the body of Thranduin to the top of the mountain," Balin said softly.
Alyssae did not understand. "Why?"
"In the eternal snow his body will be preserved until his kin has arrived.
Alyssae nodded. "You're right. I have to send them a letter."
She swallowed with difficulty for she had no idea what she should write.
After they had carried the bodies to the top, Alyssae went to Lake Town because she no longer wanted to be near Thorin. She knew this was not all his fault, but seeing his pain caused too many contradictory feelings. It felt better to find some distance until Fili's funeral took place.
Bofur and Kili went with her. Bofur didn't want to leave her alone and Kili hated his uncle so much he neither wanted to be close to him.
"Well, at least the mission is accomplished," Alyssae sighed when they sat around a table in a tavern and stared at the stars through the window. "The losses are horrible, but it could have been worse."
"Those losses were unnecessary," Kili grumbled.
Alyssae stared at the table top. She could have prevented Thranduin from dying when she hadn't made the decision to die so hasty. Everybody knew that.
A young girl brought them the food they had ordered. Impassively Alyssae stirred her soup. She knew she could not eat other food.
"It is not Thorin's fault that Fili's dead," she mumbled.
She was probably hypocrite because she couldn't forgive Thorin herself, but she knew Thorin needed the support of his nephew.
"He's heartbroken."
Kill rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you're still defending him."
She glanced at Bofur, who watched her, but said no word.
"He loves you and Fili like you're his own sons," Alyssae continued.
"Then we should all be lucky he hasn't produced children himself," Kili grumbled, where after he started to cut his venison with fervor.
Alyssae took a deep breath, but Bofur laid a hand on her knee and shook his head.
"Not now," he spoke soundless.
Softly she let go of her breath and bowed over her food in silence again.