Cassandra paced the war room. Leliana paid her no mind but Dorian's eyes followed her around the table. He had returned to them a day ago with more resistance than they would have liked. Unlike Leliana, Cassandra had accepted that defeat at the hands of Solas and his army was a very real possibility. That had at least afforded her a swifter recovery but she was not one to give up easily. So eager was she that waiting for Josephine was proving painful but she was glad when she did finally arrive.
"Look who's up!" Josie shouted through from the corridor.
Using the momentum she already had from her pacing, Cassandra came to stand in the open doorway. Her heart rose in her chest at the sight of Cullen, insistently supported by Josephine but still making his way down the corridor largely by himself. He had been severely burned by the dragon's onslaught, to the point that the healers were not certain he would ever recover. He proved them all wrong. His face was mercifully unaffected on account of his well-placed shield but she could still see the burn marks creeping up from the neckline of his tunic. He moved with difficulty but with each passing day, the pain seemed to lessen or at the very least, his resolve grew stronger.
"Commander, how nice of you to finally join us," Cassandra jested with a warm smile.
He smiled weakly back at her before Leliana greeted him with equal warmth. Only Dorian remained back. He had seemed to take the idea of Ellana fighting them poorly and the times he saw Cullen only seemed to worsen that for him. Cassandra got the overwhelming impression that he blamed himself.
"We should have a chair brought," Josephine remarked, reluctantly releasing Cullen from her grip.
"No, I will be fine," he added, quiet but nonetheless strong-willed.
Grudgingly, Josephine nodded and gave him some room. Cassandra closed the door and came forward to the table unable to diminish the gentle smile creasing her skin. In her worst moments, she had been certain they had lost him and to see him now, it brought her courage she had thought long gone.
"Good to have you back," she said softly. He nodded, seeming capable of little more in his discomfort but she could still recognise the returned feeling. "On to the matter at hand…"
"We are no further in garnering support from the Magisterium," Josephine interrupted, her business-like self once again. "The majority of their representatives refuse to even meet with us."
"Then we will have to find a way to make them listen," Cassandra added, turning her eyes to Dorian.
He stood, eyes closed in seeming frustration but beneath that, it seemed to be more. "It is as I said – they have noted the threat but as far as they are concerned, Solas is nothing more than an elf at the head of an army of other elves…"
Leliana weighed in, "Then how do they explain the dragon?"
Dorian sighed, vision darting away from her. Their failure and loss had taken much from Leliana – at times, she was broken. Even now, a rare moment where she had found some strength, it was difficult to see her so far from what she once was.
"They believe it to be a falsehood or at most, an exaggeration," he finally replied. "A dragon of that size, at least one not corrupted by the Blight, has not been seen in ages. To suggest one exists, let alone could be commanded by some Dalish elf is an absurdity, in their view…"
Cassandra scoffed loudly which drew a glare from him.
"You have seen it but you can imagine how ridiculous it would sound if you had not. Try to understand their perspective and we may make some actual progress," he added making Cassandra feel somewhat sheepish. "From what little I am privy to, measures are being taken to track down any unknown elves but not much else beyond that. If we could arrange a meeting with Orlesian representatives who could corroborate then that may sway them some way towards belief but the reality is - we have little option but to wait."
"Wait?! For what?" Cassandra angrily asked.
Dorian sighed yet again. "For the elves to prove themselves. Tevinter is watching, waiting for them to leave the shadows and when they do, all it will take is one push." He closed his eyes and spoke as if for only himself, "Have faith. No matter what, we must have faith."
Few of the elven refugees had not heard of Fen'Harel and his army. Some of those that disliked the upheaval their actions had caused refused to come with them and as far as Solas was concerned, that was their choice. Even still, Ellana tried desperately to convince them. She knew the path, knew it could only get worse and that elves out on their own would be the ones to suffer. Too afraid, many fell to her argument but the few remained unflinching in their refusal. Those were the only people they left behind. Everyone else – men and women, old and young – followed them back through the Eluvian to the place they called home.
They settled in surprisingly well. While it was an undoubted burden creating homes and providing for them, it was not out with their means. Ellana had been right - the refugees did seem eager to learn and pull their weight. Once the initial time of uncomfortable unfamiliarity had passed, they quickly fractured away from one another to join the groups of people they identified with most. From that, they eagerly started to learn the skills they would need to fill the role they had chosen amongst the crowd. Having Ellana's mother around had also been a great boon for them both. She was keen, as was her right, to get to know her granddaughter and that afforded them so much more time - both for their work and for each other.
Most of this had passed by beneath either of their true notice. Ellana especially had been exceedingly distracted following their return and with good reason. She had told her mother that she intended to undertake the bonding ceremony with Solas and that had opened the floodgates. It seemed every detail had to be planned out meticulously. While Solas had no real interest in this, Ellana was warming to the idea - unexpected as that was. There must still have been a part of her, the young typically Dalish girl buried inside, that had wished for this day in spite of how she had grown. Solas, at least, seemed thoroughly amused by the notion – watching her excitement adoringly whilst somehow resisting the urge to mock. Unfortunately for him, Ellana also got her chance for amusement. Her mother had come by the other night with a hand-written copy of the Lavellan Clan's traditional bonding vows. They were two pages long and, from what she saw, the elven so fractured that he would have to memorise the words rather than the meaning. Whenever he sat desperately trying to commit the words to heart, Ellana could do little to contain her smile.
It was that very task that she left him to as the midday sun began its descent west. As she ascended the staircase to her mother's quarters, she had already surmised that she would not find her there. When they had first returned home with the refugees, Siona had intended to make camp with the others. Ellana had seen no harm in this but Solas grew increasingly insistent that the tower was the safest and most comfortable place for her. While Ellana slowly came around to his way of thinking, she knew that her mother never would. She was a Dalish elf through and through - not used to fixed buildings or plush surroundings. Ellana hoped that she would get used to it with time but so far, that was not happening.
Progress through the camps was slow, worse so when she reached the area carved out for the refugees. Whispered discussions and stares of veneration hounded her - the bold stopping her on her path with hastily delivered murmurs of thanks. She appreciated the desire, happy to dutifully accept their words and offer her own but she was left with a hollow feeling. No matter what was said, it could not quiet her own repeating sentiment that she deserved none of it.
Siona's voice could be heard long before she came in to view. Seated amongst what remained of her clan as well as a myriad of newfound followers, she was in her element. Ellana had never understood the desire to be the centre of attention. She preferred a life on the periphery - even if that was seldom achieved. She waited, still listening to the discussion with enjoyment but out of sight. She hoped in vain that a pause would give her a chance to steal away with her daughter unnoticed.
"You, nervous?" a voice sounded out from behind her. "That's new."
Ellana turned to find him too close for comfort and flinched all too noticeably. It had been what felt like an eternity but the mere sight of Sam still bore this reaction from her. Akin to the sudden appearance of a superior, Ellana felt the jarring compulsion to behave a certain way. The difference now was that it went no further than the feeling.
She shook her head. "No, not nervous but I have little time for pleasantries."
She hoped he would take the hint and leave her alone. Whenever Ellana was forced to follow her mother out in to the camps, he was always there and no matter how many times she tried, he never took the hint. She had grown rather tired of him, in honesty. He had taken great joy in telling both her and her mother of Solas's 'abhorrent behaviour' – as he called it, and she could do little but resent him for it. Courtesy of the man himself, Ellana knew the whole story long before Sam got to her but her mother did not. She was far more willing to accept Samran's exaggerated version of events. Changing her understanding was a tiresome task but what Ellana resented most was the rift it had caused between Solas and her mother - even if it was only temporary.
Sam placed a hand on her shoulder. He likely intended to turn her to him but the slightest touch made her flinch again.
"No time?" he went on, the disgruntled expression he wore a clear symptom of his wounded pride. "You've changed, El. You're usually out there with her – at least, you were…back then…"
"Back then I did whatever I thought she would want me to do but now…well…" She turned to him. "I am who I am; who I always was and I'm no longer afraid to let it show."
He shifted uncomfortably. "You sure about that? The girl I knew was sweet and kind, all of this…"
"You suggest I am not those things?" she interrupted with bite. A couple of steps brought her closer to him. "You don't know me. You don't know my life nor do you have any right to judge what I do or whom it is with." He made to interject but she talked on over him, volume rising with each word. "You never knew me. That may have been out with your control but do not even hazard to think that you hold any right to judge me now. You never…"
"Ellana!"
Her mother's chastising voice jolted her out of finishing her tirade. The pained look on Siona's face communicated that her voice must have become loud enough for at least her mother to hear, if not everyone else. She turned her gaze back to Sam to find his eyes glistening with the beginning of tears before taking her mother's outstretched arm and leaving him alone once again.
"That poor boy," her mother lamented quietly as she led her away.
Angered still, Ellana held no wish to encourage such discussion. "Where's Em?"
Her mother brushed passed her question, "That was entirely unwarranted, Ellana. That boy was…"
"I don't care who he was," Ellana interrupted, seething. "Why must you insist on forcing me to come here anyway?! Don't you think I have enough to be dealing with? And don't say it's not on purpose! You know exactly when I'll be coming for Em and every bloody time, where do I find you?! Not in your home – no, of course not!"
Siona pulled her to a stop, ensuring her daughter looked at her. "I meant nothing by it. This is where I want to be, nothing more."
Ellana rolled her eyes. "Right…and what about Em? You know you're not supposed to go wandering with her – it isn't safe."
"It's perfectly safe!" her mother loudly interrupted. "Who would want to harm a young child?!"
"Plenty of people! We have talked about this! There are people out there who would do just about anything to get to Solas and Em is…"
"Yes, I know – the great Fen'Harel's one weakness!" Siona added in a mocking tone. "I'm sorry Ellana, but it's just a bit much. I think, with everything, you're both getting a bit paranoid…"
"Justifiably paranoid, Mother! Look, I know you don't accept for a minute that he is what he says he is but you can see all of this!" Ellana interjected angrily, waving her arms wildly. "These people are not here for fun and you must have heard all the stories by now. We are at war with just about everyone and even if you don't accept that Solas is actually Fen'Harel; he still has a line of enemies that grows with every damn day. So I would appreciate if you wouldn't parade our daughter about where just about anyone could get to her!"
Her mother placed an appeasing hand gingerly upon her shoulder. "Ellana…I…" She sighed. "I apologise, I should not tease. I do understand that there is danger I just… Regardless of whom he claims to be, he is good for you – I see that. If it is your wish then I will remain in my…home…when I am with Emmaera…"
Eyes fixed to anywhere but her mother's face, Ellana could not help but feel a twinge of guilt. It was a rare thing to see her mother offering any form of compromise and to see it now, said a lot.
"That would be helpful," she started with the intention of remaining steadfast but the guilt overcame. "Look, I'm sorry that it has to be this way. I know you would do everything in your power to keep her safe but…Mamae, you're not as young as you once were…" Her mother glared at her for that comment. "What I mean is - if Solas or I are with you then it's a different story but otherwise… I just want to be certain she is safe, Mamae, surely you can understand that?"
Progress had brought them to a small tent near the centre of the encampment where within, Emmaera lay fast asleep in comfort. Siona gazed down on the child lovingly as she lifted her gently in to her arms.
"I understand, da'len," she said, passing the child to her daughter with a warm smile. "But we shall discuss it further tonight. I would hazard to think that her father would be just as reluctant to offer an escort but it will be rather entertaining to ask."
Ellana, distracted briefly by her daughter's presence, still managed enough attention to raise an unamused eyebrow.
Ellana paced about the room muttering. She had repeated this so many times she had lost count but it still had not been committed to memory. She shut her notebook and closed her eyes.
"…not just my heart, you are my blood flowing through me and giving me life," she muttered in hopefully perfect elvhen. "I swore never to be bound but…"
She paused, scrunching up her eyes. With a loud groan, she opened the book and read the lines she had forgotten before throwing it down on the bed in frustration. She slumped down next to it and sighed. Time alone continued to be a struggle for her. Rather surprisingly, Cyrrian had come up with a lead on the slaves and her team had gone to follow it. Initially they had not been considered for the job and truth be told, Ellana had not considered it either. It was not until her friends came to her and asked if they could take part, that she orchestrated their involvement. It had apparently been Lori's idea and Ellana supposed she had every right to be directly involved in taking down Tevinter. Cyrrian fought her at first but all she had to do was convince Solas and he was overruled. Unfortunately for Ellana, it was to be a number of days in the field and with Emmaera still so young, there was no way she could go with them. The days they had been gone passed by painfully slowly as she tried to keep herself busy. Solas's near constant commitment to his work certainly did not help.
Ellana got up from the bed and made her way through to the nursery. Emmaera was still fast asleep in her crib but she took a moment to watch her adoringly. She sighed again as she paced back out to the bedroom. Judging by the height of the sun, she had at least an hour until they were expected at her mother's and nothing to do. She listened at the door before passing out in to the office. Still sitting at his desk, Solas did not look up as she snuck around behind him. She rested her forearms on his shoulders and her head on top of his. Judging by the fact he did not react, her attempts at sneaking had failed.
"Vhenan…" he greeted with a hint of bother as her hair dangled down and covered the book he had been reading. "Have you come to me because you are bored by any chance?"
She smiled against his cheek and her hands wandered on to his chest. "Maybe a little…"
He was already leaning back in to her touch so she knew he was willing but still, he sighed. "I should really stay focused…"
Ellana took her hands from him and in their absence, his eyes snapped open.
"You have been working too hard, my love," she purred, enjoying his gaze on her. "You need a way to unwind…"
He raised an eyebrow. "And what would you suggest?"
His eyes widened only slightly as she knelt down in front of him.
"Oh, I know just the thing," she uttered, sliding her hands slowly up his thighs and biting her lip. "Sit back, my love, let me take care of you."
A smirk formed across his lips but she missed it with all her fumbling. When she finally thought to look up, his eyes gleamed mischievously.
"A kind favour, I'm certain," he remarked slyly. He took a hold of her busy hands. "But I have work to do and your desire to distract me will not succeed easily."
He released her hands and with a flourish, picked up his book to continue his reading over her head. She glared up at him. Deciding finally to call his bluff, a corner of her mouth rose.
"We will see," she asserted, wetting her lips and resuming her activities.
She felt his breath hitch almost immediately but he still tried to maintain the façade. Bit by bit, it faded along with anymore hint of amusement. The book above her pressed down on her head as his grip weakened. She was about to pull back and make a snarky comment when a knock at the door brought her jumping back instead. Still in the throes, Solas took longer than she did to recover but the gleam in his eyes was back. He laughed lightly before she could react.
"Come in," he bid of whoever had knocked.
Ellana made to free herself from beneath the desk but he moved in, the position of his legs pinning her in place. Before she could even voice her displeasure, she heard the door to the office opening and whatever chance she had of escaping without embarrassment was gone. He had trapped her and he knew it, judging by the quiet chuckling. She would have loved nothing more than to punch him somewhere sensitive but even that would have only led to her humiliation. She leaned against the wooden surface at her back with a silent groan. From what she could hear, it sounded like he was conversing with multiple people, all of whom she did not recognise. She sat for a moment pondering ways she could trap him in an equally compromising position when her eyes and then her mind fell on something. She grinned. If he wanted to play this game then she was not about to sit under his desk unoccupied, not with an activity so obviously presenting itself. The slight gasp he emitted when she resumed her touch was immensely satisfying. He had been in the middle of a word, cut off by just the feeling of her lips against his skin. It only got better as he desperately tried to regain his speech under the pressure. His hands travelled beneath the desk but he could do little with her teeth so precariously placed. Ellana smiled, certain he could feel her giggling against him as he tried in vain to hold a conversation. It was thoroughly amusing while it lasted - a man so in control stumbling over his words, undone so easily. He sent their visitors away swiftly but even after the door shut, she kept up her activities beneath the desk.
"Well played, vhenan," Solas uttered, fist balling in her hair as he finally let himself go. "Very well played…"
They were late, albeit marginally, but her mother still saw fit to mention it. She had always been a stickler for maintaining commitments and her grievance from earlier did little to help. She remained resentful of being cooped up in the tower but Ellana still hoped that trying to bring some sense of home to the place might change that. That was where the idea of their visits had stemmed. In her mind, if this place made her mother think of family then she would come to enjoy it more quickly. Solas was taken aback by the suggestion, he had tried to hide it but Ellana saw right through him. Not that she thought he disliked her mother but it seemed that the entire concept of family was alien to him. Even Ellana had to admit that her mother could be a difficult person to understand. Much of what she did, even without the intent of malice, oftentimes seemed harsh. In her own way, she was strict and if she felt you had done something wrong, you were certain to know about it. With Sam's meddling, Solas had come to know this first hand. Ellana had tried to calm the waters before they had come together but she should have just left it to Solas – one conversation all he needed to turn her mother over to the true nature of events. After that, the air between them all became oddly calm. Time was still needed for Solas and her mother to come to understand one another but for now at least, it was more of a pleasure than Ellana had ever imagined it would be. She no longer felt dread the moment before they met and she sensed a change in Solas's attitude too. Her mother, she did not need to sense. She quite happily stated it for all to hear.
"I told you she would accept you," Ellana mused as they re-entered their own quarters.
Holding the sleeping baby, Solas only shrugged. Ellana planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.
"Yes, there was some nagging and teasing but as far as my mother goes, that was practically declaring her love for you," she went on in his silence, padding about the room. "She even seemed more open to…well…" She gestured around her. "…all of this! The whole bonding palaver has certainly panned out to be one of the best things we could have done. If I had known it would have yielded these sorts of results, I would have suggested it myself!" She came to a stop in front of him, smiling widely. "I honestly did not think I would be saying this so soon but I think Mamae really likes you."
He gazed down on her questioningly. "And that pleases you?"
"It does," she replied, bringing her lips to his and then taking their daughter from him.
She walked through to the nursery and laid the child down in her crib. With a satisfied sigh, she crouched over and watched the little one sleep. Solas came to perch in the doorway and feeling his gaze on her, Ellana turned to him. A glint of sadness occupied his eyes and she stopped, brow furrowing with concern.
Her questioning stare was enough to make him speak, "You are happy… Right now you are happy…" She came to rest right in front of him still not understanding. "This is enough for you…"
Ellana could not tell if it was a question or a statement but either way it did not matter - she knew exactly what had him so troubled. She did not know whether to hide or take the opportunity.
"If it was, would that be so wrong?" she started, somewhere in the middle. "I am happy and so are you, I can tell. If it could…if it ever could, would it be so bad just to stay this way? Stay happy…"
He pulled away from her almost instantly. Mouth open, face contorted in anger, he looked ready to argue but nothing came out. His expression slowly fell as he gaped in to her desperate eyes. He looked away sadly. "It can't. Not…" He trailed off in to uncomfortable silence before meeting her imploring gaze again. "It is too late, vhenan."
Something broke inside of her. "But why?! I know we have done much to earn the hatred of the humans but none of it can be said not to have benefitted our people! Even now, we seek to free those in slavery! Yes, for another purpose entirely but why…" She trailed off at the sight of his expression, pained beyond anything she had seen of him before. She grabbed at him desperately. "We are happy, Solas, and together. Who knows what the future will bring! Why not..."
He shook his head, eyes fixed to hers. "It is too late, vhenan," he repeated blankly before leaving her alone in their bedroom.
Ellana awoke the next morning with a sore head. She had slept poorly, intrusive thoughts occupying her mind. Solas had not said another word to her all night. He did not seem angry, from what little she could tell, but his silence said much. She had seen it in his eyes - the wonder, the wishing she too had felt – and for a second, she dared to hope. She cursed herself for doing that and more so, for even daring to say what she had.
Ellana turned herself over in the bed, taken aback by the sight of Solas sleeping beside her. She wondered what he had been thinking when he came to bed, so late that she must have been asleep. She hoped it was forgiveness at the very least, if not hope. She ruffled her hair out as she rose, careful to remain quiet. Emmaera was stirring in the room beyond and she had no desire to let the sounds wake him prematurely. She tiptoed over to the nursery and fed the child behind the closed door. Thoughts flurried through her mind as she silently dressed herself and the baby in clean clothing. Persistently she focused on resentment - a lie she felt she had been told long ago tugging her will. Solas turned over in the bed, appearing still asleep as she left to gain answers from the one person who seemed to hold them all.
The light outside was dim - early as it was - and few people wandered the camps. Those that did seemed to have a task in mind and thus ignored her path. She reached Mirwen's tent quicker than she had expected but that could only be a good thing. Ellana hoped that by catching the Keeper so early she might get some answers before she could be avoided once again. She had missed the Keepers words - the feeling that the truth lay somewhere within the confusing statements was strangely comforting. It was like a problem to be solved and that, she could deal with. At least, she hoped she could.
Light emanated from the tent as she passed through the doorway without as much as a greeting. Mirwen sat propped up reading by a small puff of veil fire, eyes twinkling in the aquamarine light.
"My child," she greeted. "Well this is unexpected…"
With a flick of her hand, the fire ascended over them to light the room. Ellana watched her warily as she rose.
"You're not going to run, are you?" she asked, shifting Emmaera to her other shoulder in preparation.
The old woman smirked as she took a seat in one of the chairs beside the table, bidding Ellana to do the same. "Why would I run? Do I have something to fear from you?"
"You tell me," Ellana replied rather abruptly. "You're the one who has been avoiding me like a plague."
As Ellana took her seat, Mirwen chuckled lightly. "Avoiding unsuccessfully, it would seem…" She trailed off with another laugh. "My dear girl, times are changing and with that…" She trailed off again, this time in thought. "I would be loath to give you too much..."
"Too much?!" Ellana interrupted angrily. "What does that even mean?! Say what you want me to know for once! Please!"
The Keeper regarded her for a painfully long moment. From what little Ellana could tell, it was as if she were wrestling with something. With a shake of her head, so slight that only the perceptive could notice, Mirwen sighed deeply.
"I could ask you a similar question. You skirt around the issue in much the same way as I, only you know we will reach your point of clarity. I would much prefer we reach it sooner. Is it not always a question that brings you to me?"
Ellana looked away, defeated. The Keeper reached out a hand and touched it to her shoulder, eyes twinkling knowingly.
"What was the question, my child?" she asked again.
Ellana kept her gaze down; the thought of it, the lie and the fear tearing at her being as it had done for too long. "Why me?" Suddenly she looked up at the Keeper, eyes luminous with found strength. "You waited for me, refused to help him until I came to you. Why? You said you saw me in a dream and at first, I took that as an explanation in and of itself but I know better now. You chose me for a reason - because you saw something and without that, you were unwilling to act. Why? Tell me why!" Her voice had gradually risen in volume but the Keeper kept her cool. "I thought I knew the answer…thought you somehow knew what I intended but…"
"She carries only the few items that matter to her," Mirwen interrupted; expression so blank, she could well have been gone from this world. "The bed creaks as she touches it and she smiles, hiding the items beneath the break that no one else knows of. She intends to reclaim them some day." Ellana's eyes slowly widened with each word but Mirwen kept on regardless, "She leaves in the night, fury still her predominant focus. It takes weeks for the sowing of her hurt to take shape but even after all that time she is resolved. But time is her enemy; time to think, time to forgive and slowly the anger fades amongst those she comes to care for."
"Stop," Ellana interjected weakly.
"She starts to avoid her goal in any way she can, resolve so weakened and façade so strong that it has become her. It is not until he finds her once again that the anger returns, all consuming in its force but not alone. The sight is enough to awaken something she had long given up on; something that could change everything; something that only he could…"
"Stop!" Ellana yelled, getting suddenly to her feet. "Please! Stop!"
The child in her arms stirred but did not wake. An uncomfortable silence passed and Ellana sat back down beneath Mirwen's intense stare.
"I know what you intended…" she finally said.
Ellana passed a hand across her head. "Could you not have just said that?!"
The old woman smiled to herself. "And what do you propose I would have said? That I had always known that you were the true deceiver, not he? That there had once been a time where you intended to topple his plans by any means necessary? That even the idea of ending his life…"
"Don't say it!" Ellana practically screamed, rising once more.
A stare passed between them, the beginnings of tears evident against the backdrop of grey irises. Expression remaining crumpled, Ellana sat back down with a quick brush of her eyelids.
"I get it, alright…I get it," she said in a resigned voice. She met the Keeper's gaze again. "But that still does not answer my question. If you know all…that…then you must know I am failing in every respect. No matter what I do…I cannot…"
"Your intentions were only a part of the picture, my dear girl. You were fated to fail in your path," Mirwen added thoughtfully as Ellana struggled. "You seek to force surrender with a question, typical of you but change does not come so easily…"
Ellana could take little more. "Then tell me! Tell me what I need to do and I will do it! Please!"
The Keeper watched her carefully for a moment and then shook her head. Ellana let out an angry noise.
"Why not?! You waited for me, waited in the hope that I could be the one to keep this world from destruction! So tell me how I do that?! I cannot convince him and no matter how much I may want to protect my people, I could never betray him. I…I know that now. If you won't help me then at least tell me why!"
Mirwen brushed a hand across her head. She was clearly tired but her eyes still shone in the dim light. "If I had told you what is necessary, you would never have done it."
Ellana's brow furrowed as a pained expression dominated her features. "Then what makes you think I ever will?"
"By the time you realise what is happening, you will have no other choice. You were correct in your assertion – without you there…" She stopped abruptly, eyes closing. "It had to be you."
The faint hope that had remained within Ellana was long gone, leaving only vacancy and glistening tears.
"Walk the path, as you have always done," Mirwen started with a reassuring hand back on Ellana's shoulder. "Trudge on until the fork comes and keep on. You will know what to do; I have every faith. Forget we ever had this conversation but know that you are not failing. Take that knowledge and do what you know is right."
Ellana met her gaze with resignation. "More people are going to have to die, aren't they?"
Mirwen took her free hand, squeezing it reassuringly before her eyes turned blank once again. "She stands on the pearl balcony looking out on the world she has come to call home. Ponderings of those they have lost and those they have taken flurry about her mind. 'What is the life of those few when weighed against all those that inhabit this world,' she whispers before turning her mind back to those she always intended to save."
Ellana had kept much hidden in her youth. She had once been and would always be a deceiver. However, she had never expected to succeed. Every single day following her reunion with Solas she had been certain would be the day he read it from her dreams. That certainty slowly died and with it, any sort of way forward. Mirwen had been right – Ellana's fury had once become her. She knew Solas well, in spite of his attempts otherwise, and she knew that the Inquisition would never succeed in stopping him. She was the only one that even held a chance and, back then, she fully intended to take that chance even if it meant ending him. But that was a foolish dream. So blinded by her fury, she could not see that she was never capable; she could not see that she was bound to falter and so, she soldiered on. Tracking the people she would come to call friends like animals, she found her opening; orchestrated a means to endear herself to them but that was where it ended. Doubts plagued her long before she saw Solas, seeing her people finally finding some hope enough to birth them. They became so much more than mere doubt the second she laid eyes on him. She lost everything – her plan, her resolve and her purpose and without them, she was nothing. She struggled, making little more than a desperate attempt to maintain what she had; no longer worthy of saving anyone. That was until Emmaera, her true dream, came in to being. She reminded her of the truth - that in spite of her constant attempts to protect her people in the now, if she continued on this path, she was destined to fail. It was too late by then; in so deep that measures she never wanted to take were necessary to simply keep them alive; but something had undeniably shifted inside her. So far, the path she walked had served her people well – for once, they stood in strength but she could walk it no longer. She had to change their course but she knew not how. She tried in her own fumbling way but without a plan, she could not shake the feeling that Solas would forever remain a lost cause and without him, both she and her people would be nothing once more.
Ellana barely took in anything as she walked back to the tower. Mirwen had known more than she had ever thought possible and even in all her pondering, she could not decide if that fact should be reassuring or concerning. She trusted her; she could not explain the reasoning justly but she did. She intended to follow her advice, keep going as if she had heard nothing but she was still unsure if she could. She had come in to this fully expecting there would be sacrifices but so many had been lost, many more than she had ever anticipated. In the service of protecting those which she cared for, she had participated in horrors she had once thought she could not be capable. The dead and even the hurt haunted her like the failures she felt they were. The thought of Cullen entered her mind. At Solas's curious insistence, she had sent Dorian another letter and received a reply but he had not mentioned the Commander's fate. She finally plucked up the courage to ask directly in her most recent response but his had yet to arrive. Ruminating on whether her former friends would ever forgive her, she gazed up at the tower. Every window was illuminated and she could see surprising activity within. She had not stayed long at Mirwen's so it was still far too early for this sort of bustle. She feared the worst and hastened her journey as much as she could.
Blood spattered the wall alongside the doorway that led to the Crossroads. No one remained in the entrance hall but Ellana could hear strained voices above, close enough that they must have been only a couple of floors up. She considered her daughter in her arms for a moment, wondering if she should lay her down before proceeding but her curiosity took precedence. She made her way slowly up the staircase, all the while listening intently to the voices. She could not make out the words but the loudest sounded like Shivra. Her brow furrowed at the thought, impossible given that she was supposed to be in Tevinter. An elf rushed past her looking panicked, barely even seeming to register her there on the steps.
"Hey, wait!" Ellana called out, holding out a hand to stop the elf's descent. "What has happened?"
Finally registering her presence and then who she was, the elf looked completely startled. "I need to find a healer. 'Now', he said - now!"
The panic in the elf's voice did nothing to lessen her fear. She released him without a word and he ran off gladly to attend to his task. Ellana quickened her pace up the stairs. Three voices accompanied the loud one, all far calmer when they spoke but notably different in manner. One said little, the occasional hint of breaking coming through. As she neared the closed door, she recognised it was Varden. The other two were doing most of the talking – Cyrrian by the sounds of the distinctively arrogant tone and, to her relief, Solas. She burst in to the room and was met with the three faces she had predicted and regrettably, as she had also predicted, Shivra's. She was seated on Varden's desk, face red with rage and covered in what seemed to be her own blood. No one but Varden even noticed Ellana enter.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" Shivra shouted with fury. "We can't just leave them! They'll die!"
"What has happened?" Ellana asked, loudly interrupting whatever argument they had been having.
"Ellana! Thank the fucking gods! Maybe you can talk some sense in to these arseholes!" Shivra shouted, running over to her friend and embracing her lightly.
Up close Ellana could see the deep gash across Shivra's arm and the puncture wound in her shoulder. She left behind some of her blood dappled on Ellana's clothing as she pulled away.
"What happened, Shiv, tell me," Ellana prompted, a myriad of terrible possibilities flitting through her mind.
Panic glinted out from the back of Shivra's eyes. "The fucking Vints ambushed us. It was going fine – met the people; all good and they just came out of nowhere. We were so caught off guard that there was nothing we could fucking do. I only managed to escape by the skin of my teeth. They treated them like fucking cattle, Ellana, it was…"
"What happened to the others?" Ellana interrupted, unwilling to wait and dreading the answer.
"I stuck around as long as I could but I… They were hunting me I had to leave… I had to! I was the only one who could get them help." Ellana nodded her along, impatiently awaiting the answer. "From what I could see they had them all in chains but they will kill them! I just know it!"
"That's unlikely," Cyrrian interjected, coming forward with a self-satisfied air. "Considering the losses they suffered the last time we met, I imagine they will torture them for information and those that comply will probably be taken as slaves…"
"And that's fucking better?!" Shivra roared, turning to him with all her furious attention.
"No, of course not," Cyrrian replied, surprisingly taken aback by the suggestion. "Any information they do give could be disastrous, extracting them is the clear solution."
He turned back to Solas expectantly and everyone else followed suit. He barely seemed to register all the eyes on him; gaze fixed to the floor, thinking intently.
"No."
The word took a silent moment to sink in; undoubtedly, everyone else was feeling a similar disbelief to Ellana. Before she could say anything, Shivra got in first.
"No?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I would expect this from that twat…" she shouted, gesturing to Cyrrian. "…but not from you!" She had reached Solas, fury lessened but nevertheless desperate. "Come on! You know you would have no problem fucking up those bastards and breaking them out! You know you would!"
He finally met her desperate gaze but from what Ellana could see, there was nothing behind his eyes. "Ability is not my concern. If we were to engage them now then that would be another transgression to mount against us, another chance to realise us fully. We cannot afford the Imperium's full wrath, not now, not while we still fumble uselessly in the dark. To do so would only mean more agents die in the long run…"
Shivra let out an angry noise. "No! That's not…!"
"That is my final word on the matter," he stated, eyes stern. "And I will hear no more on it from any of you."
He took effort to fix his gaze to each of them in turn, avoiding only Ellana, before leaving the room past her. She followed him out immediately.
"Solas wait!" she cried, grabbing his arm and turning him back to her just before the stairs.
Sadness glinted out beyond the stern façade and as their daughter started to whine from her mother's arms, it only worsened.
"Please, vhenan, don't," he begged, trying to pull against her grip.
"They are my friends! People you have come to value as well! Do their lives mean nothing?!"
His face contorted - unbridled rage sudden and mounting through his very being. "And what would you have me do?!" he roared; advancing on her so violently, fear gripped her. "The girl is right – I could tear the life from every one of them with such ease. They hold not only your valued friends but those that hold the key to our progress. Without them, we stall. I will not fail, not again!" He was so close to her now that she could see every detail of his features, including the darkness rising in the depths of his eyes. "You cannot even begin to imagine the weight I feel; the unrelenting urge... I would take great joy in every moment I spent slaughtering each one of those fools."
He broke away from her suddenly and allowed her some distance. Emmaera wailed in her arms, inconsolable in the face of her own father.
"Joy?" Ellana breathed, brow creasing with emotion. "The man I know would never speak of killing in such terms. He spoke of nothing but regret; regret and the…"
The sound of Solas's fist unexpectedly smashing off the wall halted her words. She jumped, backing away in instinct. Somehow, despite his clear lack of physical strength, the stone had fractured beneath his wrath.
"This is not you, Solas," she breathed, holding her daughter closer to her body.
There had been previous instances where, angry or simply lost, he had frightened her but never had she truly thought he lost control. Now she was not so sure.
Slowly, she brought herself nearer to him. "My love, our task wears on you. You may portray a monster but not to me, I know different." She placed a hand gingerly upon his back, feeling the tension in him loosen beneath her touch. "That is not you, my love, nor will it ever be." With a grimace, he finally met her gaze and a warmth crept in to both of their eyes. "I never wished to ask anything of you beyond an opportunity. You were right in your belief that we cannot afford conflict. All I wanted… All I wanted was a chance to find another way."
His brow furrowed doubtingly. "And if there is no other way?"
"Then we will do what is right but for now, I would try and I hope that together, we might find a way." Still shaking, she brought a hand to his face. "Please, Solas…please…"
He raised himself to his full height and gazed down on her, sadness predominant in his eyes. He outreached a hand, touching her cheek softly.
"If you could find a way…then yes, I will allow it," he finally answered.
She grabbed him in to a crushing embrace, knocking the breath out of him before she could stop herself. She released him warily.
"Thank you, vhenan" he uttered, pulling her gently back in to the embrace. "You are… Without you, I am lost."
She pulled away from him just enough so that she could see his face. "No, thank you. You have no idea what this means..."
"I do – even if it did take me time to see," he interrupted, hand finding her cheek once again. "I will help you in any way I can, my love, you have but to ask. Although I cannot see how we will ever accomplish this in time."
"Story of our lives," she remarked with a slight smirk.