A/N - Hi! Been a while. Quick query: I'm looking for someone who might want to beta read for me. Not looking for anything professional, just someone to look chapters over before they are published that, you know, isn't me. I'm open to most arrangements. Feel free to message me on here if you might be interested and we can discuss how it might work. Cheers thanks bye!
"I understand the concern…and I appreciate it, vhenan, but it is unnecessary. Nothing more than a momentary lapse, one I assure you will not happen again."
Solas spoke as if he were already tired of this conversation, a fact that only worsened Ellana's desire to probe. Try as she might, managing her emotions was proving difficult.
"Unnecessary?" she almost scoffed, swallowing back the derision at the last second. "But why would it do that, Solas? Why the Arbor Wilds? Why move people there?"
She smiled, trying in vain to cast doubt on the sour feeling. Her voice kept rising against her will and judging by the look he gave, his perception was certainly not impaired by his new passenger.
He shook his head, gone for only a matter of seconds. "Why the Wilds? I would surmise it is due to what you well know - that was where the Sentinels made their home. A valid avenue for exploration, my people would help a great deal. An avenue I have already explored, however…"
"When?!" Ellana interrupted.
"Before you, my heart. Well…your return, I should say." His eyes still within view, she could see as they wandered away from her in to thought. "I approached them not long after leaving you. It was foolish to think they would listen…" He shook his head, willing his thoughts away. "They rejected me. Some disbelieving and some more interested in hating me for the pain I had caused." He sighed. "There was no help to be had there, and I would not force them…even for this."
"But why?" she started with her own shake. "Not them, it." She spoke the word as a curse, refusing with everything she had to give it any attribute that could suggest being. "Why go back to them? Why even try if they wouldn't help you?" He simply shrugged, as if it did not even matter. Her eyes widened. "You asked, didn't you?"
"And what would be the point?" The question really made her want to shout at him, so lazily was it delivered. "Duplicity is a quality not just held by the living, vhenan. An answer would not be an answer. Whatever his reasons – to help or hinder, it does not matter. He chose to take control from me and it will not be repeated. That is the end of it."
"But…" He silently groaned as soon as she spoke. "You said that there are times you relinquish control to afford yourself power or certain skills…"
"Yes!" he interrupted before a slow exhale calmed him. "That is…what I said…and it is true but not a concern. Every time, it is returned without issue and even if it were not, he will not hold me down with ease…nor would it be wise."
Ellana desperately wanted to argue but with a hard swallow, held back. She understood now; not all, by any means but she never would without experiencing it. She knew all she could and arguing like this, achieved nothing. It could not change what was done or even reassure her. That was what she knew she was seeking – reassurance; and no matter how many times he said he could handle it, she got not even an ounce. The voice in the back of her mind kept telling her that no matter how knowledgeable or powerful he may be, he was deluding himself. She hated that voice. Without it, she could be deluded too.
"I have allowed myself too much," he went on, actually appearing something more than just irritated. "My focus lapsed and that is my fault; something I can rectify…we can rectify." He rose to join her at the other side of the desk and taking her hand, tried to catch her eye. "Vhenan…trust in me and with your help, we will achieve what we have wanted for so long. Help me maintain my focus."
She was pretty sure that what he really meant was 'stop questioning me it is really starting to piss me off' but gazing in to his pleading eyes, her annoyance faltered. She was achieving nothing after all. It seemed pointless to punish him for his choices, especially when he was so good at doing that to himself. She considered her best course of action; stalling at the very concept, cold as it was. She would have loved to go back to how it was but it was hard. Even being near him no longer felt as natural as it should. The instinct was to shirk away and she found herself always having to overcompensate - draw him in in the hope that he might not notice how she truly felt.
She sighed pitiably. "I guess I could…" One corner of her mouth quirked up. "What are you going to do for me?"
"Other than carry you and our daughter through the destruction of the Veil?" he said with a disbelieving chuckle. "I cannot imagine how I will top…"
"Kiss me, Solas," Ellana interrupted. "I meant kiss me."
His brow furrowed. "Ah…" He smiled as he took her chin between his fingers, leading her in. "Very well."
It was soft, not what she had been expecting and she found she wanted quite a long moment of it before she pulled away.
"And other stuff - that too," she clarified, gesturing down below and drawing his eyes.
He raised an eyebrow. "Granted." He kissed her again, more hungrily but pulled away only a moment later. "Bonds or none? You did so enjoy it the last time."
Seconds from another kiss, she giggled against his lips. "Not now, my love. I have somewhere to be…" She gazed out the window, taking in the sun's height. "And so do you."
He joined her in her look before groaning. "For fuck's sake."
The edges of her lips bowed up before she laughed. "I'm rubbing off on you!"
With a roll of his eyes, he gently relieved himself of her weight to pace about in preparation. He stopped as he removed something from his desk.
"Will you be taking Maera?" he asked.
Her overwhelming compulsion was for assent but the hint of hope in his voice slowed her from speaking. She feared for her daughter in his company still, but it was irrational. In a purely logical albeit hurtful frame, if he tried to do her harm it would not matter who was around to protect her, he would succeed. However, she found her mind focused on a more emotional argument. This Solas, the one standing in front of her now, was her Solas; not some monster, not the wolf that drew her blood in her dreams.
She tilted her head, smiling in anticipation of the relief he was going to feel; the hurt she was about to avoid. "You can have her if you like." She shrugged, trying her best to seem as if her words had taken no thought. "Either way. Although I imagine Aemilia may prefer you not be distracted." She laughed lightly. "Poor girl still seems a bit overwhelmed by the idea…" Her look turned stern. "Cannot believe you didn't tell her."
He ignored the glare he was receiving. "Best she gets used to it. I will take her. Aemi could do with softening and perhaps our little one might temper some of the edges." He came to Ellana's side and kissed her amongst her hair. "Or at the very least, show her that there is more to life than the pursuit of importance."
"Or alternatively, she'll just be annoyed by a our shrieking baby who refers to literally everyone as 'Dada'," Ellana replied with a conciliatory kiss to his cheek.
"Yes…" His expression dropped. "Has rather dampened the significance for me…"
"Comforting for me, though," Ellana interjected with a smirk. "Here I was thinking she loved you more when actually, we're all 'Dada' to her."
"That could be seen as a compliment," he tried.
"You keep telling yourself that, love." She reached up to wrap a hand around his head as she kissed him. "I'll tell Dhaveira you send your love but are still too occupied to visit."
His eyes narrowed. "Quite."
Ellana had changed before heading out. She lied – told Solas it was due to discomfort but the idea that she would find more comfort in a dress was bordering on the absurd. He had no reason to doubt, however. Such a mundane thing was not a likely place for a lie but the paranoid part of her brain still questioned if he knew. In amongst the floaty, concealing layers of her chosen garment a box was hidden. It was not until she reached the relative safety of Dhaveira's island that she undid the ties and laid it out on the ground. Amongst all her other collected items, it looked equally mundane but he would know different. It was his, after all.
Once Mirwen finally arrived, she saw fit to open the box. A brief silence followed broken only by the watching dragon's trills.
"The orb," Mirwen uttered, earning only a nod in reply. "His orb…but how…?" The Keeper shook her head. "You found it?"
"Well he was hardly going to give it to me, now was he?" Ellana retorted with the slightest of sneers. She sighed, shifting her weight against the ground. "He took it once we slayed Corypheus. I've always known he must have it but… I wasn't looking for it; I didn't see what that could accomplish…"
"You found it when you were searching," the Keeper interrupted, still shaking her head every so often. "For the book…"
Ellana nodded. "He probably never thought I would look there…or maybe… Em's crib had a compartment, found it by accident and…there it was. The two most precious things to him, housed in the same place – fitting, almost."
"But why take it?" The dragon shrieked and Mirwen raised a hand to meet the beast's great head. "The battle rendered it useless, incapable of granting him the power he needs…"
"Broken, not useless," Ellana interjected. "It is his orb and like each of his kin, it is unique to him. It alone can tear down the Veil – that was why he took it. Moulded in to precision by centuries of his hand – it is not just a means of increasing power, as it would be to any other. For him it is so much more. He never intended to use another orb to tear down the Veil... If that could work then why would the Evanuris not think to do the same? He intended to use it to repair his orb – the one alone focused to be capable of that task."
"How? How do you know this? Did he…?"
Ellana laughed. "I don't know. He didn't tell me nor have I thought to prompt him. All presumptions…"
"Presumptions?"
"Based on knowledge," Ellana added with a shrug as she closed the box and turned her full attention to the Keeper. "Either way, I cannot keep it. Here."
Mirwen stared at her outstretched hand. "You want me to take it?"
"If I was to hide it, he would find it," Ellana replied with yet another shrug. Her uncertain eyes slowly met the blue of the Keeper's. "I don't…I don't know what I want to do with it…I just had to take it. Maybe I find comfort knowing I hold the one way he has to complete his plans. Maybe I want to use it to keep him from destroying the world. I don't know yet but…I know I don't want to give it back. Please, Mirwen. I'm not asking you to care for it or guard it or anything like that…just to hide it somewhere only you know..."
"No. It should be with you, no matter what you may choose to do with it…"
"And it can be," Ellana interrupted. "But not now…not while I could be so easily convinced to return it. The day may come where I can hold it once again, and I will accept the burden gladly, but it will be safer with you…for now, at least."
She held up the box again and to her surprise, Mirwen took it. "You trust me enough to hold such an important piece of your future?"
Ellana considered her for a long moment before nodding. She turned away with a sigh, elbow upon her crossed legs supporting the weight of her head.
"I will return it to you," Mirwen said as she too took a seat upon the ground. "Once you are ready, I will return it to you."
The Keeper nestled the box within her robes; oddly tentative, as if this was all unfamiliar. It was not a usual reaction for the all-seeing Mirwen. Ellana lay back on the ground with a thud.
"Varden will be here shortly," she remarked, touching a hand to Dhaveira as the dragon nuzzled at her fallen form. "Stop that, da'len - it tickles." She turned back to Mirwen. "You are welcome to leave if you like. I imagine this will be…a difficult conversation."
Mirwen's eyes narrowed. "Why so? The man may be cold but not difficult."
"It's not that," Ellana replied with a shake of her head against the dirt. "He…he's going to find it difficult to believe, I think…" She ignored Mirwen's doubting eyes. "Everyone thinks of Solas as this infallible creature – cunning, intelligent, always right; it comes with the whole 'god' territory…and they're right, in a way. He is the smartest man I know but…not infallible. He doesn't know what is right any more than the rest of us. He's just a man…a man who has made his share of mistakes and will continue to do so. He is no different from the rest of us…"
"But many do not see it that way," Mirwen interjected. "It is comforting to think that the one who leads the elves to glory is so much more than that; as it was with the gods. A difficult thing to accept that those one worships were born the same."
"As it was with me…" Ellana shook her head once more and tilted herself away, ashamed. "When I led the Inquisition, so many thought I held all the answers…only I didn't. I stumbled through every moment just as any other person would. I knew they looked at me differently and that was why I hid myself. To keep them in that comfort because that was what they needed. Doesn't change the fact that it was never true."
"You fear Varden's perception of his leader will shatter." The slightest of smiles crept across Mirwen's lips as she turned Ellana's shoulder back towards her. "He knows already, dear one." She laughed. "The man is realistic, painfully so and then there's you…"
Ellana raised an eyebrow. "Me?"
"Yes, my child. If not for you then perhaps he would appear infallible… Our leader – the great Fen'Harel, he loves you. He should not but he does. If that is not the mark of being 'just a man' then I know not what is." At the sight of Ellana's hurt expression, she paused. "You are a testament to the fact that he is capable of more than just purpose. That could be seen as both a flaw and a virtue. If a god is incapable of feeling then what kind of god will they be? Not one I would want setting my course."
"You're saying it's a good thing? That he's flawed? After everything he has done wrong?"
Mirwen smiled. "Not that he's flawed, my dear girl, but that he has the power to change. That is what it means to live in our condition - to live with feeling; to move between right and wrong; to alter our purpose. An infallible being is not capable of such things. Perfection cannot change itself and in an ever-changing world, perfection it would no longer be. Better just a man than the so easily tarnished perfection of a god."
"I doubt he would agree," Ellana mused quietly. "Too often his purpose has been diverted by his 'testament'; it would be so much easier if he felt nothing toward me…"
"He did not choose to feel for you. Just as he did not choose to feel for those enslaved beneath the Evanuris and yet, he strove to set them free. Just as he did not choose to feel for his people trapped beneath his mistake and yet, he strives to save them. To live is to be imperfect but to live can also be an opportunity to save; to make better; to be free."
Ellana sat considering the Keeper's words for a long moment. Everything that was good in Solas came from that place – the decidedly mortal side of his being. To be benevolent was to feel for others, without that he would just be another one of the Evanuris - coveting power so they might not tarnish. At least his flaws, his mistakes came from a place of good intentions. She sighed as she thought of all the time and effort he had wasted feeling too much for her, wondering if he regretted it.
She was so deep in thought that she did not realise Varden had arrived until Mirwen rose. Surprising, given how loudly Dhaveira shrieked. He ignored her entirely, which was quite impressive considering the subject was a humongous dragon. Dhaveira, not easily offended, seemed to take it as some sort of challenge.
He offered Ellana a hand to rise, only seeming mildly disgruntled by the beast nudging at him. "My Lady, I cannot say I was thrilled by the notion of meeting in this place."
She looked anywhere but at him. "I…uh… Apologies for Dhaveira. She can be…persistent…"
She had gone over what she would say a thousand times, never with much satisfaction. She trusted him - that was not the issue. Varden was and always would be practical and while he was loyal to Solas, that was for a reason. She turned her attention back, to be met by cold blue eyes stippled by the slightest hint of amusement.
"You are distracted today, my Lady," he said in his perpetually shrewd way. "To business before you are lost completely."
With the slightest of nods from her, he barely broke his stride.
"Why am I here? Your request was rather vague but I can speculate." He regarded Mirwen with what seemed like deliberate curiosity, as if asking instead why she was here.
"Here, because it is the only place I can guarantee he will not go. You, because I…I did as you requested…I spoke to Solas…"
She intended to explain Mirwen's presence and enquire as to his seeming disinterest in the drama of the last few days but stalled at the sight of his expression. One corner of his mouth had risen only slightly and even with how difficult he was to read, she could tell a smug smile when she saw one.
"Yes, I am aware," he said, just as she had suspected.
Accurate reading aside, her brow still furrowed. "He told you? But then he…"
"Not directly," Varden interrupted. "He mentioned nothing of…" He paused to gaze curiously at Mirwen once more. "…what we discussed…but I did receive a reprimand and given how often you were mentioned, I could surmise the reason."
"Mentioned? In what sense?" Ellana asked, brow not letting up.
Varden exhaled a few times – what passed for a laugh. "Our roles apparently do not meet, or should not. A fact I was not aware of personally but… I am not to ask of you, that was the belaboured point."
This time it was Ellana's turn to laugh. "Right…somehow I doubt that was the issue. 'Don't try and bypass me' was likely more the point."
"Indeed," he replied, artfully avoiding commitment.
He stared at her for a long moment until Ellana realised why. "Oh! What he said…right…"
"Perhaps privacy might be appropriate," he interrupted, eyes turned to Mirwen.
"I put you on the trail," the Keeper retorted in Ellana's place. "Do not think me blind to where it would lead."
The look Varden gave her was something. If he had been at all willing, Ellana was certain he would have rolled his eyes.
"Mirwen stays," Ellana ordered with as much strength as she could muster. "She knows of what we speak and is just as involved as you or I. I require council…from both of you. You may be the more practical side but Mirwen's input is needed."
He seemed to enjoy being referred to as practical; judging by the very slight glimmer that passed across his eyes but it was gone in favour of his usual humourless aspect long before he spoke, "As you wish, my Lady. Speak what you will."
Explaining everything to Varden was more of a challenge than she anticipated. She took so much of the knowledge she held for granted, so much so that she just presumed he held it too. She tried her best but lost him fairly quickly. He seemed to find the concept of an abomination not just destroying everything exceedingly difficult to get around; let alone the idea that one would simply write out orders. Ellana could understand that, most people were that way. He had spent much of his life in Tevinter but she doubted he had experience with anything of the sort. Few people did. Once she had explained as best she could, he seemed more accepting but his disbelief remained.
Eyes still slightly wide in the aftermath of it all, he struggled. "You did not need to tell me this…I… Your sudden absence and return; his…behaviour…I did not need to know. A dismissal of my concerns would have sufficed. Unless…unless you wish to ask something of me?"
He looked alarmed by the concept, so far out of his depth. Ellana felt the immense urge to comfort.
She exhaled it away, opting to be direct as he so often was. "Provided you can do so with discretion, I need you to look out for any further lapses...and…I…need you to prepare…"
He had been nodding her along until that last word. With it, his face fell. "Prepare?"
Ellana closed her eyes as all the fine lines upon her skin creased in misery. "To… We may never need it but if he loses this fight…this…this is over. He will no longer be himself and… I cannot let people follow a demon in to the abyss. If he falls, we need to get as many people out as possible. We may need them to…to…" Her voice cracked and she shook her head.
Varden reached out a hand to her - holding her straight by the shoulder, forcing her tall. "I understand. It will take time and immeasurable care but…consider it done." He released her to Mirwen's waiting arms and turned to pass the dragon. "I pray the time never comes."
Allowing Ellana to press her weight fully in to her, Mirwen touched a gentle hand to her shoulder. "You did well, my child."
Ellana stumbled out of the Eluvian to the sound of an angry shout. She could not quite make out what was said but she knew that voice could only be Shivra's. Starting towards the sound, she gestured to Mirwen that she should make herself scarce. Since her return, Ellana had been spending as much of her time by Solas's side as she could. She told herself it was because he needed her but that was only half the truth.
"She's on the island," added Miris's far calmer voice. "We should ask her, Shiv, not…"
Ellana reached their eye-line before the tall elf could finish her thought. The only one facing her, Miris's words halted as something bordering relief washed through her expression. The others quickly thought to look in her direction – Shivra with a face like thunder; Varden looking strained; Lori, tired; and Lis, white as if she had seen a ghost. She ran to her, blonde hair billowing with the speed of her movement, and grasped her tightly in her arms. Something resembling words tumbled free but Ellana could not understand even a one.
"Great, Lis has seen her so she can shut up with the 'what if she's dead' crap," Shivra piped up from behind. "More to the point – why the fuck are you two meeting out here?!"
Lis chose this moment to pull away but Ellana really wished she could have stayed in the embrace a moment longer. Barely even willing to face the initial conversation, the idea of broaching her dealings with Varden was bordering on unbearable. Luckily, she did not need to say a word.
Varden turned Shivra to him. "Look at me," he said as he took her chin in a hand. "Off-limits."
She just stared at him, only breaking to glance back at Ellana. It seemed to take a great deal of effort but she finally nodded. "Okay. I… You can go…"
They exchanged a few more words, too quiet for Ellana to hear, but it was not long before he was gone and Shivra bounced towards her.
"Hey," she said, with a soft slap to Ellana's shoulder. "You been busy? Lis was convinced you were dead, did I mention that?"
She should have let it go, it was what she wanted but Ellana could not resist asking, "You're dropping it? That easily?"
Shivra shrugged. "Work related stuff is none of my business."
"But you didn't…know that?"
"It's something I shouldn't know." Shivra shrugged yet again. "If I shouldn't know, I'm not going to make anyone tell me; not my business… But! You are going to have to tell us where you went for a whole damn day!"
They all stared expectantly at her.
"It's…it's…complicated." Ellana ran a hand through her hair as she retreated a few steps. "I can't deal with this right…"
Lis lost her restraint. "It been days since you came back and we have hardly seen you! No one has! We're worried about you, Ellana, really worried and…"
"Well you don't need to be!" Ellana almost shouted. "This is not your problem, it is mine!" She took a long breath to calm herself. "Thank you for caring enough to worry but that is not something you should have to do, not on my account. I am fine; you should not have to worry. I…I am fine…"
A glance was all it took to tell her that they knew she was lying but she did not stop in her retreat. It hurt to leave them like this but to tell them the truth would bring their world crashing down and she could not bring herself to do that, even if she did need them now more than ever.
"Fenris? That is his name? You are certain?"
Solas did little to hide how rattled a single name had rendered him and it must have been apparent to everyone. Ellana did not know the full details of how he had behaved in her absence but she had heard enough. They were afraid of him. Solas had always been an intimidating person to work for but everything he did was with purpose and control. Now they all seemed to know that might no longer be the case. Even Aemilia took a worthy pause before speaking.
"I am certain." She took a cautious look in his direction. "I… Do you know of him?"
Her question fell on deaf ears. Already deep in thought, Solas only managed a glance at Ellana and nothing more. It took everything in her to keep her face neutral. With Solas, even the most minute detail would be enough to tell him she already knew fine well that Fenris was the slave-liberator they were due to meet. He turned his gaze back to Aemilia and Ellana breathed a silent sigh of relief.
"That explains a great deal," he finally replied, annoyance biting through. "Certainly explains his resistance to meet." Ellana caught his eye again and he sighed. "But not his turnaround…or perhaps it does…" He focused back on Aemilia; eyes bright, no longer lost to thought. "Proceed with the arrangements; we will go ahead as planned. If it is deceit then it will end in a suitable manner."
The last part was clearly more for himself than anyone but Ellana had a pretty good idea what he meant. He was questioning why a man bent on rejecting his overtures would change his mind and presumed, as he so often did, that it was due to his enemies. She had absolutely no intention of telling him that it was someone much closer to home who was behind it all.
Even lacking so much information, Aemilia still seemed to have cottoned on. "If there will be the threat of fighting, would it not be best to take others?"
For once, Ellana did not think she was trying to invite herself. She seemed to be showing genuine concern but she could have told her that was pointless.
"I do not intend to provoke a fight," Solas answered with a dismissive wave of his hand. "But I will deal with it if needs must. I have no interest in stalling our plans by killing him, even if he may be acting for our enemies."
Aemilia's brow furrowed. "Our enemies? He is a former slave…how could he possibly…?"
"He has ties to the Inquisition," Ellana interrupted to save her Solas's irritation. "Tenuous ties – a friend of a friend type relationship but you can understand the caution."
"Oh…" she replied, taken aback momentarily. "Ha! The Inquisition is hardly a threat!"
Her derision cut through Ellana but it was Solas who spoke.
"Do not allow yourself such arrogance. They may be crippled but only a fool would ignore a downed enemy. A moment is all it takes for them to get up and stab you in the back."
His scolding certainly seemed to hit its mark judging by his target's downed features and silence. All it took was a touch from Ellana to snap him out of it.
"Proceed as planned," he said, softer but still firm. "Whatever comes of it, we shall endure."
Aemilia nodded, moving to leave and do as he commanded but she stopped, a look of gentle admiration overtaking her features as she allowed herself the briefest of gazes back in his direction. He did not think to notice but Ellana did, and for a moment, her buried jealousy flared once again. She shook herself out of it, drawing a curious look from Solas. As the rest started to leave, he absentmindedly took her hand but she freed herself of him. At the last moment, she thought to afford him an apologetic smile as she headed on to catch up to Getros. It had been a time of difficult discussions and it was not about to end yet.
"We need to talk," she said with a touch to his arm.
The old man's eyes widened slightly. "Good day, my Lady. It has been too long. What do you wish to discuss?"
"Not here," Ellana practically hissed. She straightened up to her full height, stiff with the weight of her deceptions. "We should meet, perhaps later today?"
The look he gave her suggested that he really did not want to do that. "For what purpose? Can we not discuss…"
"Stop it," she interrupted, very aware that Solas would be wondering where she had gone. "You will meet me two hours from now at the Eluvian like before. Is that suitable?" He got out a syllable before she interrupted again. "And by 'suitable', I do not mean you can weasel out of it. This is happening, just not while you should be somewhere else."
He stared at her for a long moment. "It is suitable."
"Good." She turned away from him; ready for Solas but thinking it rather rude, she rounded back. "Thank you."
She skipped off just as Solas left the war room and met him with a smile that was probably too wide.
"Last meeting, yes?" she practically sang in her nervousness. "Come, we must collect our little one." He made to speak but she was having none of it. "Do not protest. You have not seen my mother in an age and last time I saw her, she said you needed feeding."
"She always thinks I need feeding," he retorted with a growl of annoyance. She leaned in to him, eyes not breaking from his. He arched an eyebrow and sighed. "I suppose she does make rather good cakes…"
"You are sure?"
Forehead crinkled with doubt, this was not the first time Solas had asked that question. He appeared worried, dappled in amongst the more blatant exhaustion, so much so that Ellana was sure even someone less versed in interpreting his masks would have no trouble telling. The thought did give her pause but nowhere near enough to give up.
She reached out and took his hand. "I am, my love." She shifted herself on the bed, lowering her head so their eyes could meet. "I didn't know then…I could only do so much…"
"And you did more than I ever thought you were capable of," he added, shaking his head. "But…that aside, you still can only do so much. Something inside of me woke you but if that does not happen…"
"I know, Solas, I know…I would be at its mercy but that has yet to happen." She turned him roughly to her, resolute eyes forcing his attention. "You could come to me in my dreams at any time; that thing could come to me at any time…"
"That 'thing' is me," he interjected as his nose crinkled in annoyance.
"Alright then - you said you would never harm me, so why falter?" At the sight of his shamed expression, she let out a long sigh. "I am asking you to do this. I know the risks and so do you…" She shook her head, voice cracking. "You barely sleep… You think I don't hear you up pacing at night? Well, I do. Trying to stay away from me obviously isn't working - so why not try?" With a hand to his jaw, she raised his downturned features. "You can't last like this, Solas. I bring you quiet out here, do I not?"
The slightest smile came across his lips and rose in to his eyes. "You do…you really do…" He finally granted her his gaze. "As you will it, vhenan. Sleep and I will find you."
Practically bouncing with her victory, Ellana was already shimmying up the bed before she thought to remember him. She stopped, lain back with a hand outstretched. A smile spread across his face before he joined her, sliding in to lie alongside as the hand she had held out to him found the back of his neck. She kissed him on the bridge of the nose, his arms wrapped around her.
"Sleep, vhenan, and I will find you."
"I'll be waiting," she murmured, buried in the warmth of his neck.
Ellana could not remember a time she had felt so numb. With each laboured stride she took, the knee-high snow seeped deeper in to her already soaked clothing. She could feel it against her skin; cold bleeding in to her, taking what little feeling she had left, but she could not stop.
"Ellana!"
The shout rang out against the mountains of white and with it, a knot tied in the pit of her stomach. Not Solas, anyone but Solas. He had been avoiding her for days now; typical that he would choose today to care. She had expected Cullen; hoped for him, if she was honest. Cullen could not convince her to give up, not with this, but Solas was her voice of reason. She was not ready for that to come after her.
"Ellana, wait!"
He had drawn closer; muffled footfalls in the snow faster than her own and with a disgruntled whinny of a horse accompanying his words, she understood his speed. Still, she did not turn back. Every step was a struggle but she kept on, the remnants of tears upon her skin no longer warm as they had been but like ice, cutting.
"Stop!"
His mount pulled up alongside her, forcing her to pause as the animal kicked out in anger at the conditions. She refused to look at him even as he came to her level.
He was breathless but the hand that touched her shoulder felt unnaturally warm. "Ellana. I am glad I found you..."
She turned away from him. "You should not have come! I…I won't g…go back!" She tried to control it but the cold already brought a stutter to her words. "It…It's my mother, Solas! My family! I don't expect you to understand but I…I have to do something!"
"I do understand…actually…" A hurt look passed briefly across his features. He pulled a bundle of fabric free of his horse before a slap to its behind sent it galloping back in the direction of home. "And I know." He sighed as he placed the heavy cloak he held around her shoulders. "But we have a long way to go yet, so perhaps the argument can wait…"
Tying the cloak at her neck, his oddly warm hands occasionally brushed against her chin as she stared up at him.
"You…you…you're not here to br…bring me back?" she stuttered in disbelief. "T…t…t…tell me I'm being s…s…stupid?"
He ignored her words, touching a soothing hand to her ice-cold cheek. "You're frozen." A slight gesture and she felt the most lovely warmth glide across her entire body. "Better?"
Wide-eyed, she nodded.
He smiled in return. "Good."
He took her hand, leading her in the direction she had been walking but she pulled back against him. "You're coming with me?"
He turned his face from her but from what she could see, he appeared as if he could not quite believe it himself. "Of course I am." He shook his head. "I cannot let you go alone."
"I…" Silence took Ellana for a moment. "I thought you were here to drag me back. I thought the others had sent you to convince me…"
"Convince you?" he interrupted with the slightest of growls as he took his warmth further from her. "Convince you not to try and save people you care for? For what purpose?" He was trying to hide it but Ellana could see the anger this had brought out in him. "I could tell you how pointless it is; that even if we did somehow make it to Wycombe, we would likely be too late to help anyone. I could tell you Inquisition soldiers already reside there, far better placed to help. I could tell you how important you are; how if you were to perish, everyone, including those you seek to save, would be doomed. I could tell you a number of reasons why you should turn back – all of which you know."
His voice was shaking, trying desperately to hold his anger in but even though she more than deserved it, Ellana got the impression that it was not her that had him in such a state.
"You are not a fool, Ellana; far far from it and to suggest otherwise would be to diminish the guilt you feel. Guilt I understand well…"
Caught off guard, she blinked hard and a tear snaked free of her eyes. "No, you're wrong I…" Her voice broke and sounded a pitiable sob. "I should have been there…I should have! But I…I… I didn't want to be! I was happy! I didn't want to go back there!" His arms enveloped her as she sobbed. "I would have done anything to stay away and then...then... It's my fault! If I had done my duty, if I had just been there as I should have been then…"
"You would have died alongside them," he interrupted, holding her close to his heart. "I am sorry but…that is the truth of it. There is nothing you could have done."
Apart from the raw emotions, Ellana felt something – warmth against her back, familiar but out of place. It brought her out of it and after only a moment of confusion, she realised she was looking at herself. She watched as her dream-self sobbed in to the chest of the man she loved.
"There's nothing I can do! I should have been there! I would rather have died, I…!"
"No, you are where you should be."
The reply came from behind her, not from the lips of the memory which had once truly spoken them. She turned toward the sound.
"You ignore your feelings, as if they are not what guides us all," spoke the true Solas in tandem with her memory. "You did not want to be there because something inside you knew that you were meant for so much more. You should not feel guilt for listening to that. Nor should you blame yourself for something you know in your heart you could never change." A corner of his mouth rose as a slight gesture silenced her memory. "Yet another example of me handing out advice that I do not follow."
"You're here," she breathed, relief plain as she met him in a tight embrace. "Actual you…" She held him close, taking in his scent so apart from the wolf she had been expecting. "Do you…do you feel…"
"I am myself," he answered before she could finish.
She smiled up at him. She would have very much liked to have kissed him but felt it was not the best course. He needed calm above all else, anymore would be asking too much.
"You memorised your own words?" she said with a laugh. "That's…well…that's…"
He huffed a breath of a laugh. "I assure you, it was not intentional. I have a capacity for memory, you know this and I… There was a time I visited this memory, and what came after, regularly. It was…an important moment for me…at one time."
Ellana turned to gaze at the memory of them, locked in their embrace. That moment embodied so many sour feelings for her, so much that she could not see past them. She could barely even remember what had been said when she was awake. In truth, she did not try lest she be reminded of the guilt she held still to this day.
"It was the first time you stayed with me all night," she uttered, trying to make sense of it all. "…the first time you allowed yourself to stay with me."
"The first time I thought I might never leave, actually…" Eyes fixed to the memory, he sighed. "'Listened to my heart', to use the expression." He shook his head. "I relived it often once I did leave. 'Trying to feel that way again' – I told myself but in actuality… It was…more complicated."
He had never stopped feeling that way – she knew it. Hearing him admit that he could live in this world with her and be happy was something she had yearned for, for too long. She hazarded a look in his direction, begging with herself to seek that admission until he suddenly recoiled as if in pain. He shook his head violently, the environment around them flashing only for a second to reveal the formless beads of oil-like dark that hung in the air. That, she was certain, had not been meant for her eyes.
"No. You are…you are right."
He spoke the elvhen words no louder than a mutter but Ellana could make out enough to garner meaning. She was on him before he could do anything else.
"Solas," she said, rising up on to her tiptoes as she took his face in her hands. "Look at me." She waited until his eyes met hers. "I am here."
The tension he held lessened as the waters of his eyes gradually calmed. Expression returned and he smiled ever so slightly.
"Thank you," he said with such sincerity. "I am…I am sorry. You should not have to see that."
Ellana interrupted with a laugh to hide the shrill fear in her voice, "And you should not have to deal with me sobbing all over you, and yet you put up with that a whole lot." A genuine smile broke across her lips. "I love you; there is nowhere I would rather be."
He looked anything but convinced, both regretful and ashamed. She broke away from him, an idea fresh in her mind. Her closed eyes scrunched with effort and her fists balled at her side.
"What are you doing?" he asked from behind, a slight chuckle to his voice.
She huffed dramatically. "I am trying to concentrate!"
An actual laugh slipped free as he spoke, "You are? To what end?"
"It's no use!" Ellana turned back to him with just as much dramatic flair. "There's a place I go when I'm struggling – not literally but in my mind. I wanted to take you there."
His incredulous stare softened instantly. "You were trying to… You know you cannot warp the Fade, my love, no matter how hard you might try."
Ellana really wanted to scoff at how obvious that statement was. Of course she knew that it was never going to work but in the moment, she could think of no better way to steal his attention. She could have asked him – asked as so many do that he use his power to do as she wanted but that would have fed in to everything negative that already hung around them. Her actions may have been idiotic, embarrassing even but she could see from his expression that they had already worked as she had hoped. He found it endearing, he was reminded only of his love for her. She had brought him back long before she even suggested what might help.
He came to her side already wearing a warm smile and pressed a hand to either side of her. "Come, let me help you." His hands travelled up past her shoulders until they grazed the base of her neck. "Close your eyes and concentrate on only the image of that place."
She closed her eyes, tilting her head instinctually closer to him as he spoke quietly in to her ear.
"Concentrate on the place. Will it in to existence."
Unable to supress it any longer, a smirk burst free across her lips. "You feel better already, don't you?"
He sounded a whispered growl that if not for his proximity, she would not have heard. "That is not concentrating." He glared at her as she peeked open one eye but the glint within the glare betrayed his happiness. "Yes, much. Now concentrate."
With a final smirk that she made certain he saw, she closed her eyes and focused. She saw it all just as she remembered – pine trees swaying the cool breeze; wild flowers beneath her feet; the only sounds that of distant water and the far off bustle of camp. She felt the warmth that memory brought her, the security. She had been young, too young to understand but surrounded by beauty, she felt anything could be possible. She might live another life – one where she did not have to move on, leave her father behind beneath the planted tree. She may have known that place only briefly, but even after her life moved on, she carried it with her.
"Open your eyes."
The warmth of his hands left her neck as she slowly opened her eyes. A gasp slid free of her lips and she took a tentative step forward.
"This is it…this…"
Her words petered off as her feet drove her forward. She reached out a hand to run through the taller wildflowers as she cut a path identical to that which she would walk in memory. She stopped dead in the shadow of a small silver birch.
"It's…" She reached out a hand to touch the pale bark. "This is the place." She turned back to Solas, expecting to see him examining their surroundings but found he watched only her. "My father was buried here, beneath this tree. I used to run away, when everything got too much." She sounded a wry laugh. "Even when we were days away, I would still try and make my way back here. I was a child, I… I didn't know any better."
Without a word, Solas came to her side. Beneath his intense stare, she wished he would say something.
"It's a beautiful place, isn't it?" she tried. A tilt of his head - maybe enough to indicate a nod but nothing more. "Just thinking of it…pretending I am here again, helps me."
He was so close to her now, she could no longer avoid his eyes or ignore his silence.
"Solas." His hand held her cheek. "Say som…"
His kiss consumed her final word, rendering it little more than a garbled whisper. The feeling of it took her breath away. The voice of reason in the back of her mind ordered her to stop but even as her lover chose to pull away, she found herself guiding him back to her lips.
"You…are…everything," he uttered, words truncated by their kiss. "I want…nothing more…"
She kissed him one final time lightly atop the lips, casting her eyes downward as she touched her forehead to his.
"This is…" She murmured before granting him her eyes. "This is just what I wanted… I'm not sure how much I expected it – you say so often the effect I have on you but… This is you…just you and maybe that was a reminder I sorely needed."
He broke his gaze from her. "I am…sorry you ever felt such doubt, vhenan. It could have been so simple. I regret…so much…"
"No," she interrupted, turning his face roughly to her own. "No, my love. Look at me, I am here and I want to be. Everything you have done has led to this – we are together and we have our daughter. You have nothing to regret."
Staring in to his eyes, she knew he did not believe her and as his eyes darkened, she knew it was not just his voice stating that across his mind.
"Come," she said, with a small drag of her finger across his jaw to snap him from his thoughts. "There is more I would show you."
She held out a hand and after only a moment's pause, he took it gratefully in his own.