"I think we need to fake some science."
"Carlos, the last time you said that, we got banished to some backwards ass desert city."
"Hey, those results weren't conclusive and you know that." Carlos crossed his arms and stared at the hundreds of pages of transcripts he had painstakingly made for Cecil's radio show. For science. "And we don't really need to fake science, just some scientific reports."
"Why do we need to fake anything? We've got enough material here to make the entire scientific community collectively scratch their heads for probably a hundred years!"
"True, but it's not the entire scientific community I want to be confused. It's Cecil who I want confused." Ah, he could feel the concerned looks already. "No, we're not fighting."
"Okay..." Liza looked at him carefully. "Why do you want Cecil confused?"
"Well, less I want him confused and more I want to test something about him." At the curious looks, Carlos grinned. "Haven't you ever wondered how Cecil gets such accurate news?"
"Carlos, we're in Night Vale. I wondered why my cereal whispered to me, this morning."
"You used the chocolate milk again, didn't you? They usually talk at a normal volume when regular milk is used."
"You're way too willing to go along with all this crazy stuff," Frankie pointed out to him.
"It's Night Vale," Carlos shrugged. "You either adapt or you run out of town with your eyes bleeding and your ears ringing. So! Who wants to help me fake an earthquake report?"
Liza stood from her chair. "Yeah, alright. Nothing better to do."
"It will give me something to do while I wait for the bacteria cultures to get done," Frankie admitted. "Fine. We'll help."
Surprisingly, it didn't take very long for the three of them to write up a fake report about the bowling alley collapsing and crumbling from extensive seismic activity. "Right. If my hypothesis is correct, when Cecil reads this, it'll become true."
"Oh, is that what we're doing- Hang on, you're willing to let the bowling alley get destroyed?" Considering that was a place he almost died in, then, yes, he very much was. "Isn't that a little bit much?"
"Well, then, on his next show, we create a news story of the bowling alley being rebuilt, secret miniature city and all," he told them with a shrug.
"We've heard and done weirder," Frankie finally shrugged. "Should one of us run this down to the station, then?"
"I'll go ahead and do it," Carlos quickly volunteered. He was stared at by everyone else with very knowing looks that he refused to acknowledge.
"Have fun visiting your boyfriend then, Carlos."
"This is strictly business!" None of them looked to believe him for even a second, the traitors. Maybe he needed to hire a new team. Cecil brought his phone out and pressed a few buttons.
"-to Night Vale."
"Right. Someone, station themselves at the bowling alley. Everyone keep the radio on."
"I'll go," Frankie sighed, the others laughing as he and Carlos left the lab. "You know, you could just ask him about all of this."
"But then, it's not science," Carlos told him with a grin.
"Alright. Whatever kinks you two need." With that and a cackle the man was quickly running off.
"Frankie, you-!" Oh, that man... Right. Okay. Just get to the station and place the paper in his hand. No handing it off to an intern.
It didn't take long to get to the station, Carlos doing his best not to get distracted by all the amazing things- Oh, no intern. Hm. Either out or dead. Glancing up at the light, Carlos set his jaw and glanced the door. "Oh, and Carlos has decided to visit, ladies and gentlemen. What's this- Thank you, Carlos." He watched Cecil read over the report, his third eye creepily flicking here and there. Shaking himself off, Carlos quickly turned to leave, closing the door behind himself.
He heard Cecil shuffle through the papers through his phone- "I have just received a report from local Night Vale scientists that there have been massive amounts of seismic activity at the bowling alley, causing it to collapse and... Hang on, ladies and gentlemen. I must make a correction. The bowling alley is completely fine. This science is just wrong. I'll have to tell Carlos later, gently of course..." And off into other news. How did he know?!
There was no way he could have known without having some way to see! Cameras, maybe? A network of thought controlled spiders? Unless... Carlos peered back through the glass. "Carlos is staring at me through the glass of the studio. Hello, Carlos. He is sweet, Night Vale..." Oh, jeez. He wasn't- He wasn't staring. He was just observing, was all, and, alright, maybe he gave a little bit of wave, he was allowed- Did his third eye have something to do with all of this? "Now, onto traffic." Cecil's normal eyes closed, but his third stayed open. "Huh. Alright, well, all seems to be well. Do note that the four and a half foot diameter black hole scheduled for the intersection of Center and Main has unexpectedly increased to twenty feet in diameter. Your local flag waver will be on the spot to help direct traffic. Everyone's local flag waver. All of them are gathered in a circle around the black hole. It's quite brave of them."
Ah, Night Vale. Carlos hated that he kind of loved it more than anything else. Well, he better get back to Frankie and tell him to pack it in back to the labs until they could work on a new theory. Although... the Weather would be soon. Carlos could probably stick around long enough to say hi. "And this is a note I received earlier this morning from the City Council. Just a reminder that, until those pesky fruit flies have been taken care of, all pears are banned. This includes any and all pear hybrids, but excludes pear juices. And now, the weather."
The light went off and Carlos opened the door, clearing his throat and, alright. Be charming. "Hi." Okay. He had said worse in his life.
"Hi, Carlos. I don't really know how to tell you this, but it's nothing against you, most people have a little trouble understanding Night Vale-"
"Oh- Oh, no, it's alright, I already knew those results were wrong." ...Shit. Now he had to explain why he gave Cecil fake results.
"Oh, well that's a relief! I wasn't sure how to tell you gently... You knew they were wrong? Then why did you have me report on it?"
"Oh, uh..." Carlos stared and okay. Distraction time. "Have you eaten at Big Rico's this week, yet?"
"I- Yes?" Now Cecil was frowning at him- That wasn't good, Cecil didn't like frowning.
"I haven't had time yet. Maybe you'd like to come with me after your show? As a date?"
"Well, sure, but Los, why would you-" His third eye, which had temporarily closed, opened again. "Sorry. The weather is ending, but we'll talk more in just a little bit- Stay here."
"Oh- Oh, yeah. Sure. Okay." Carlos hesitantly crept closer to Cecil's desk to sit in a chair, hoping he wouldn't be too distracting. Would the mic pick up his breathing? Oh, he hoped not.
"During the break, sweet dear Carlos decided to join me in the booth. Say hello to Night Vale, Carlos."
"H- Hi." Did his voice crack? Please, dear gods, please let everyone in Night Vale have gone temporarily deaf.
"Isn't he just the cutest, Night Vale! And his hair is looking especially lovely, today!" ...No it wasn't? Carlos hadn't washed it for days. Honestly, he was still trying to figure out what Cecil saw in him to actually... Well. At least the show would be over soon and Carlos could continue to try and distract Cecil. And it wasn't just Cecil. It was all of Night Vale. If he so much as smiled, some days, people all over town swooned when he looked at them. And he was always getting people telling him how nice his hair was... It was fairly creepy.
Don't get him wrong, it was kind of nice and amazing to be treated like that some days, but most days it felt like it was all some joke. Like someone was going to pull the rug out and all of Night Vale was going to have one big laugh at him. "And now, this week's horoscopes. Taurus, look at yourself in the mirror. Look closer. What do you see? Look closer. What do you not see? Look closer until it is no longer you looking at you."
...What? This was more confusing than when the 'stars' told him that it was the perfect time to ask someone out for a cup of coffee. Although... That had been a nice day. Still. Look in a mirror? Really. He was just- Just Carlos. "And to the Aries, you will be missed. For tonight, at least. Good night, Night Vale. Good night." Cecil seemed to slump a little as the show truly ended, Carlos watching him for a moment before smiling.
"Still up for going to Big Rico's with me? We haven't been able to spend much time together this week and I- Well. I miss you."
"I would love to go to Big Rico's with you. As soon as you tell me why you gave me an incorrect science report to read on air."
"Oh." Right. That. Okay, uh. Excuse. He needed an excuse. "It was for science." Not a lie! Technically not at all a lie!
"Wait... You were doing science... On me?!"
"I- Ye- Yes. Is that- Should I not- I probably shouldn't have. Or at least told you about it ahead of time." This was just another one of the reasons he had troubles maintaining a relationship. It was just- People were so interesting! He wanted to find out how they worked and why they acted like they did and science could answer all those questions!
"What were you studying? Why were you studying me? Ooh, Carlos! You should have said something sooner, I would have mentioned something on the broadcast!"
"No, no, that's- This isn't really something you need to mention on your show. It's- Well." Carlos huffed, thinking over his words before sighing. "I was trying to figure out how you always know what's going on in Night Vale while you're on the air."
"Oh. Well, because she tells me," Cecil answered easily.
"She... tells you. Who is she, exactly?"
"Night Vale, silly Carlos."
"Oh." Night Vale. Night Vale was a living entity that was able to communicate with Cecil and tell him everything that was happening within the boundaries. "Okay." There- There were so many tests he could run- There was so much he had to do!
"So. What do we science first?" Staring at Cecil, Carlos slowly felt himself smile as he moved to where he could give Cecil a quick, fleeting little kiss on the lips.
"Why don't we go eat and you can tell me about your morning. Then we can go science."
"That sounds wonderful, sweet Carlos."