X.
I don't sleep at all.
I wrap myself in a cocoon of blankets, even going so far as to pile pillows on top of me, in an attempt to feel as though I'm being held. Try as I may, I'm unable to trick my brain. Still, I do not shed a single tear.
The minutes pass endlessly and not at all. Three times I get up to go lay beside Axel, to barge into his room and beg for forgiveness that he cannot feel. But I stop myself each time and wind up in the cocoon again.
Unsurprisingly, Axel is at my door, in the early hours of the morning. Or is it the late hours of the evening? He doesn't knock, he doesn't greet me, he just takes one look at me. We lock eyes and my stomach lurches. I clamber out of bed, zip up my boots, strap in my claw and follow him out the door, wordlessly. We walk, silently down a series of halls, me with my hands wrapped around my arms. I can feel the warmth radiating off of him and want nothing more than to crumble into him. For some reason, part of me expects something to be different about him since I feel so much different. But he still looks perfect. And I still feel like shit.
We round another corner.
"So after all that, no smart comments left, Rueki?" His tone has a bite to it, I don't look into his eyes.
"I don't know what you want from me, I said what I needed to yesterday. Nothing's changed." Yes it has, everything has changed because I was heated but maybe this whole having no heart thing is something I can look past.
"Really?" He enunciates, and I can feel his eyes burning into me. "I mean I wouldn't want to stop you, you were on such a roll yesterday."
"Fuck you." I say, dragging my teeth across my lower lip.
"You know, telling a guy you hope he dies, it tends to leave behind a bad taste." He informs me.
"Wow, that's unfortunate. Thank goodness that you don't have a heart, I wouldn't want to break it." I offer him the most petty, fake smile I can.
"You are such a bitch."
That's the extent of our conversation before we find out way into the lounge area, where Larxene is leaning against Marluxia, sprawled out on one of the couches. Vexen, Zexion and Lexaeus are huddled together, talking in hushed voices on the other couches. Axel and I enter the room and Larxene looks up, throwing her head back laughing.
"And just when I was thinking this would be a boring place to hole up in! How lovely, we're bringing a pet along." She brings her hands together, her eyes sparkling with venom.
"Fuck me." I roll my eyes, defeated. I reach my hand into my pocket, feeling the folded up notecard.
'The Keybearer awaits you'.
I sure hope so. How sad that some teenage boy may very well be my savior.
"There is no time for your tasteless commentary, XII." Vexen glares over at her. She rolls her eyes at him.
"Don't be ridiculous, old man, the fun hasn't even begun yet." She seethes. "All I'm saying is this'll be so much more fun now that our dear, dear Rueki knows the truth. We don't need to pretend we have hearts to break. Isn't that right?" She bats her eyes at me.
I might be a little bit thirsty for Larxene, this might be something I need to evaluate later.
"Can we just leave?" I ask.
"Yes, can we indeed." Vexen glares at her again and hey, I never realized that these two can't stand each other, that's something. Or maybe it's nothing, how can one hate without a heart? Are they feigning emotions for my benefit? Or because it makes their interactions more entertaining.
"Patience Vexen, after all, our honored guest has yet to make an appearance." Marluxia says in a voice like honey. I want to ask questions, but I really don't want anyone to make an allusion to my failed attempt at a relationship with Axel, so I decide that it's probably best to keep my mouth shut.
We wait about five minutes before Saix starts into the room and I mildly want to die. If he is coming along for the ride, then seriously, I may have entered one of the circles of hell.
"You kept us waiting, VII." Zexion doesn't look up at all and Saix just supplies a glare.
"Ahh yes, but this is well worth the wait, Zexion." Marluxia suddenly has a Cheshire grin, but he's staring past Saix, and I have to crane my neck to see just what he is staring at: A teenage girl, trailing number VII.
The girl has wispy, pale blonde hair and eyes so big and blue that I could maybe drown in them. She wears a simple white frock and sandals and has a sketchbook pressed to her chest, almost as though it is a shield. There's no way she can be older than her mid teens and her frail form makes me wonder if she's even younger than that.
"Naminé, what a pleasure." Marluxia swoops into a deep bow, taking the girls hand from her mid section and pulling it to his lips. She blinks at him, with wide, petrified eyes, and my mom override kicks in.
"Dude, she's just a kid, don't be weird." I put a hand on my hip.
"My apologies, I didn't realize our prisoner was an expert in the art of relationships." Marluxia looks at me, his blue eyes narrowed. I take a step forward, closer to the girl. He looks me over and chuckles, a haughty, condescending sound. "Don't let her cherubic appearance fool you, Rueki. Naminé is a Nobody. She's just as Heartless as the rest of us." The girl, Naminé looks up as he says my name, her mouth forming a tiny 'o'.
"Rueki. Sora knows you." She says, her voice as delicate and breathy as I imagined it would be.
"And you'll have plenty of time to catch up on that at Castle Oblivion." Saix says, his eyes narrowed as he regards me. I hate the way he looks at me, like I'm dirty. Almost as though I am subhuman, which is funny, all things considered. I set a hand on Naminé's shoulder, guiding her towards me, because even if she is a Nobody, she's not an enemy yet, and really, being that I'm without Demyx and Luxord for the time being, she's the best I can do.
"Of course, thank you." Marluxia says, perhaps a little too politely to Saix, which kinda makes me wonder what's up there. Larxene shoots number VII a dirty look over her shoulder as Marluxia opens up a portal.
-
Castle Oblivion is brown and thorny on the outside and blinding white on the inside. I wonder if perhaps the lack of a heart can cause one to act so incredibly predictable. From floor to ceiling, white marble, though this time with powder blue accents, it's not much different that The Castle That Never Was. Xemnas sure does have a type. It'd be hella easy to lose Naminé with all of her fairness in a place like this. But my hand is still on her shoulder as we cross through the portal. Mostly because I want to know what she knows about Sora, but also a little bit because Marluxia hasn't stopped looking over his shoulder at her, looking every bit like a hungry predator.
"You'll find rooms assorted through all of the floors of the Castle. Feel free to use them to your liking." Marluxia says, and I watch Vexen visibly get irritated.
"Where do you get off—" He starts, but Marluxia turns to him, a smirk lighting his features.
"Now, now, Vexen. Perhaps you may rank higher than me within the Organization. But need I remind you that our Superior himself made me Lord of this Castle?" Marluxia asks, a wicked glint in his eye. Naminé takes a step closer to me so that I almost have an arm completely draped around her shoulder.
"Do you know nothing of this Castle?" Vexen demands and Marluxia laughs.
"Of course I know what the Superior plans for this Castle. My priority, however is the Keyblade Master." He replies, blithely.
"So you intend to disregard the Superior completely?" Vexen spits.
"Of course not. Is it not crucial for us to collect Hearts for the Superior's plan? Would it not be beneficial for us to use Sora as a tool to further our cause?" Marluxia asks, with a soft wave of his hands, as though he is conduction a symphony out of his words, and I have to admit, he does sound convincing. I collect his words in my head, with every intention to talk to Naminé later and hope to all hell that she knows what the Organization is up to with Heart collection and Sora. I'm sure I'm here to be used as a pawn to manipulate him, but fat chance on getting me to cooperate.
"Let the man chase his fancy, Vexen. Wouldn't you prefer the three of us conduct the investigation seperately?" Zexion gestures to himself and Lexaeus, barely peaking out from underneath his mop of hair.
"Very well. The three of us will occupy the lower levels while you five occupy the upper." Vexen says with a wave of his hand.
"That's really cool, I like that Naminé and I get a choice." I huff.
"The Witch is nothing of my concern." Vexen hisses. "And you should be grateful that you are still considered number VIII's ward. You are worth nothing to this Organization outside of your ties to the Keybearer. Learn to hold your tongue, girl."
"Fuck you, old man." I snarl.
"You insignificant, ungrateful little—"
"That's enough with the name calling, old man." Larxene grins, her eyes sparking as she takes a step between us. I can tell she doesn't give a quarter of a shit about me, but rather intervened just to irritate Vexen. "We're going to claim our rooms, and you are going to crawl back into your little cave where you belong, m'kay?" She asks, with an exaggerated gesture of her hands.
"You are a complete waste of a sentient body." He tells her. She glares and 'hmmph's, indignantly.
"Come along now, Larxene." Marluxia beckons. "Naminé, we would be more than happy to show you to your room, after all, we want our most honored guest to be quite comfortable in her chamber. Don't we, Larxene?" The woman laughs, a humorless sound before stomping off, muttering something about men without hearts.
"I'll show the ladies to their rooms. After all, I'm sure Rueki still has plenty to get off of her chest, don't you sweetheart?" Axel asks me, fire in his voice and I just know an argument is going to ensue. He is, however a much better choice of an escort than Marluxia, so instead of screaming at him, I just itch my nose with my middle finger.
I hope Sora will be proud when I tell him I used his move.
Axel leads us down a white hallway which is brightly lit. Naminé quietly shuffles along, I cross my arms to my chest. We walk for what seems like ever when Axel finally stops.
"Naminé, you're on the left. Rueki, you're on the right." He says, gesturing to the two doors on each side of the hall, with a dramatic flourish of his hand.
"Thank you." Naminé breathes, tucking her head as she goes to retreat to her room.
"By the way, Naminé." Axel begins, holding a finger up. "Don't fall for Marluxia's pretty words. They may sound nice, but you don't want to find out what's lurking under the surface. Got it memorized?" He asks. She looks at him, chewing the chapped skin of her pink lips and I can see questions brewing behind her eyes—she's so transparent—but she just nods before disappearing into her room, leaving me and Axel alone, again.
"Well this has been fun." I turn on my heel to head to my room when I hear his voice sound off from behind me.
"Really? That's all you've got?" And I'm surprised by how defeated he sounds. I flinch, because it almost feels like, for a second, that he gives a shit.
"What the hell more do you want from me Axel? Doesn't this already suck enough?" I sigh, turning to him, my back against the door.
His eyes set my skin on fire and my heart lurches in my chest. I can swear, I physically feel it shattering.
"You don't get to just walk away, after saying everything you said, sweetheart." He insists.
"And you don't get to do any more damage, all things considered. So we're done. This is done and we can just try to avoid each other as much as possible." I offer. He looks me over with a tight mouth and narrowed eyes.
"You're really okay with it? Just like that?"
No, definitely not.
"It's better than any alternative I can think of." I shrug. "You can't…The way I feel…There's no further we can take this." You physically cannot love me back, and I don't wanna hurt any more than I already do.
"Rueki.." He may not be able to feel anything, but the look of hurt flashes through his eyes and for a second I wonder if he really doesn't have a heart. He doesn't, I know he doesn't and any senseless hope will only make things worse. He reaches out to touch me. I flinch and hold a hand up to stop him but he brushes past it and grabs my shoulder. I inhale sharply. I am not prepared for how his touch affects me, but under his warmth, my knees buckle and I have to grab the door knob for support. He may understand why, he may not, but he can clearly tell that I am not stable on my own two feet anymore. He reaches out and grabs my other shoulder, holding me up, his torso pressed to mine. Our eyes meet and ignite.
"Stop." I breathe, though my words don't sound convincing, even to me. His face contorts, in a way that almost looks painful.
"Oh sweetheart, don't you think I wish I could?" My heart leaps, almost as though it is revived by the mere possibility that he wants me still. But whatever want for me he has is physical, and although I don't mind that aspect, I know that will never be enough for me.
"You. Don't. Have. A. Heart." I say each word in its own beat, but my hand moves to grasp the fabric of his coat.
Apparently I am a masochist.
"I'm trying to get it back." He says, in a throaty voice. My eyes widen. "That's the Organization's entire purpose, Rueki. Complete Kingdom Hearts so that we can get our hearts back." The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I hate it. It's pathetic how hopeful I am. And yet…
I look at him, and don't even care, for him, I'll be pathetic, I'll be a fool.
"You're lying." I try.
"Not this time, sweetheart." Which begs the question, when has he lied to me and about what?
"Why are you doing this? You can find other people to fuck, it doesn't need to be me." I insist. "I can't do this, Axel." I'm so full of shit.
"Because for the first time…Damn, this sucks." He shakes his head, mouth drawing into a small smile. "This is the closest I've come to…Rueki, we don't have hearts, but we remember what it was like when we did." He takes my hand and places it against his chest. He's so warm and my skin prickles with delight.
"You are such a fucking asshole." Because I know where this is going.
"I miss feeling something." He leans in so that his mouth is at my ear. "You don't know what it's like, feeling so empty all the time, got it memorized? It's been almost a decade and I have to sit there and pretend that I'm okay with just having nothing? Too bad it doesn't work like that for me."
"I fucking hate you."
"Then you come along, and out of nowhere, it's like everything that was missing—"
"Stop."
"Well it's not back, but out of nowhere, I remember what everything feels like. Emotions that I forgot existed, I look at your face and remember exactly how they feel." He pulls away to look down at me.
"You're such a bastard." I choke out.
"That's all on you though, sweetheart. You're the one who makes me remember." I am such a sucker. "And I am so addicted to feeling like I have a heart."
And just like that, I throw my arms around him, lock my legs around his waist and let him press his lips to mine.
If this is hell, I am content to burn.