Warm.
Dark.
Still.
Calm.
As he lay silently in the darkness, he couldn't remember the last time he felt like this. It must have been decades since the loneliness last consumed him this way. He tried not to think about all the years spent alone and roaming around the desert. How many times had he turned away from refuge knowing his brother might destroy his protectors? How many years had he spent craving some kind of companionship?
He tried not to get intoxicated by this current sense of closeness. He knew it wasn't meant for him. Cuddled up so closely to this little human, it just reminded him of how very un-human he was. He was still trying to find out exactly why he was here. He agonized over it every day.
More than a century had passed, and everyone he had touched during that time had died. He was so afraid of simply being near another living thing. His brother would surely make him pay. But...his brother lay unconscious and Vash needed to remember. He needed to remember why suicide was a bad idea. He needed to remember why his plan of taking his brother into the desert with him and doing away with the both of them was a bad idea. He needed to remember that there were people that did care about him and would help him…still a bad idea…
He kept his eyes closed in the darkness and tried to block out all other thought. He just wanted to lay wrapped up in this fleeting moment of comfort. He needed a break from the isolation. He needed to feel something other than anguish and guilt and pain and rage. He needed to feel like he was not a murderer, not a monster, but simply someone worth caring about.
He thought back to Wolfwood for a moment. The double agent (maybe even triple) had been the closest Vash had ever come to having a best friend. Now he knew what it was like to rely on someone else to have his back. Going into the world alone again scared the shit out of him.
He didn't want to be alone. More than anything, he didn't want to be alone ever again.
He automatically tightened his arms around Meryl and she let out a sigh in her sleep. This brought him into the present, and automatically he reminded himself to back off. He couldn't help it. Distance was safety and pain all at once. He wanted to run away and leave town right this instant, but he also wanted to get lost in salvation, the salvation this girl didn't even know she was giving to him.
"I wouldn't run away…"
The words played over and over in his head. Sometimes, that slip was the only thing that kept him going. They were words she hadn't meant to say, but she had said them, and he knew they were probably four of the most honest words she had ever spoken.
She was young, wasn't she. He had scars older than her.
He wanted to give in and not do anything ever again. He wanted to lay there and let the cards fall where they may. He wanted to stop being the hero that everyone despised. He wanted to…
Damn it.
There was so much he wanted, and he knew if he stopped now, he wouldn't get any of it. He had to get out of there before he lost his resolve. There would be time for lamenting the past later. There would be plenty of time for that.
He lingered a moment next to Meryl before silently untangling himself from the girl. The regret was beginning to hit him; the regret of knowing. He knew he'd remember this for the rest of his long life. This moment of kindness he had so needed would shine brightly against the pale background that was the rest of the life he'd spent on this planet. He sat in the edge of the bed with his back to Meryl and attempted to rub the tiredness and sadness out of his face with his hands.
It was still dark, but he had to get up. He had to figure out what to do. He had to take his brother somewhere else.
Cold…why was she so cold all of the sudden?
No blanket. That must be why.
As the cogs in Meryl's analytical mind began to turn, she automatically reached out to the space on the bed next to her. Something was missing here. She cracked her eyes open and saw the light from the first rising sun.
Morning already?
She opened her eyes, expecting to see Milly's twin bed across the room from her, but she was greeted with the sight of a plain adobe wall.
Everything from the previous night suddenly came back to her.
She inhaled a sharp intake of breath and automatically patted the side of the bed where Vash had been the night before. She whipped her head around to the foot of the bed looking for his boots.
They were gone.
Her mind was reeling. Her chin was trembling. Her eyes were watering. She thought she might have heard herself say his name, but she couldn't be sure. She launched out of bed and towards the door.
He couldn't have gotten far.