XI.
For the first time ever, Axel and I talk. Actually talk.
I sit in a chair, wrapped in a blanket while he lies in bed, creating flames on his fingertips and extinguishing them, and he tells me everything. About losing his heart to darkness, about joining Organization XIII, about the heart collection, about Roxas being Sora's nobody and Sora's heart coming back from the darkness. About the Keyblade and Kingdom Hearts. He tells me that Larxene and Marluxia are suspected of being traitors and he's supposed to see if they are and sabotage their plan, though he doesn't say how. He tells me they intend to use Sora as a pawn to collect these hearts and that it has been strongly encouraged that I be eliminated along the way. He tells me about Naminé, how she was created and the power she has over Sora and those around him. He tells me that Sora's memories are gonna get toyed with along the way but that I shouldn't worry because the kid will be okay in the end. He tells me everything and for the first time in these last two months, I feel as though I actually have an understanding of what's going on.
"So what are you going to do then?" I ask, and I'm surprised that I'm talking about it with such nonchalance.
"About?" He raises an eyebrow. I want nothing more than to cross the room and wrap my entire heart around him, but this distance between us is safe. And apparently I'm too much of a sucker when it comes to him. I need something to be safe.
"Me. You know, eliminating me. Sounds like you're okay lying to your coworkers and fucking things up for them." Not that I particularly like Larxene or Marluxia, or that we know they're for sure traitors for that matter. But his willingness to wreak havoc on those he has known longer doesn't exactly instill a lot of faith in my future.
"One of the perks of not having a heart, you know? It takes one to feel guilt." He confesses, which doesn't really answer my question.
"Don't you think you maybe love the whole being an enigma thing a little too much?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Again, takes a heart to love." He taps his chest and lets the air still between us for a minute before he speaks. "I'm not going to kill you, sweetheart, you can quell your panic attack." He finally says and I roll my eyes, trying not to make it obvious that I'm sucking in a breath of relief.
"What a gentleman." I counter. He smirks.
"I know what you're doing, you can't fool me." He insists.
"I'm not doing anything. What are you going to do then if you're not going to kill me?" I ask, looking pointedly up at the ceiling.
"You're still doing it. When you get scared you either act like a bitch or try to change the subject. Sometimes both." He tells me.
"I don't do that, and you're not answering my question." I snip. He barks out a laugh.
"You're a terrible fucking liar, Rueks." But it's not that, I can lie just fine. But not to someone I've let in so deep. I don't respond to him, instead I continue looking at the ceiling until finally he heaves a sigh.
"I'm going to do what I tried to do for you before. I'll open up a portal for you, somewhere unaffected by Heartless. You can live your life, have your adventures." And I hear the words that he won't say. I can move on. We have an expiration date.
I don't know why, but something about this makes everything a little easier. This is a lot less difficult to stomach when I can visualize an end. We can keep fucking around with each other or we can just be cordial but I'm not going to be kept forever. I can find someone else that can feel the same way I do. He's offering me the life I could never have with him. I hate how little it appeals to me.
"You'd do that for me?" I ask, finally looking to meet his gaze.
"I already tried." He shrugs.
"I should've taken you up on that offer." I confess. He smiles.
"Toldja so." What a dick. "I get it, you know." He tells me and it takes me a second to realize what he's saying, but the moment I do, I ball my fists into the blanket. No matter what he says, I know he doesn't get it and that's the problem. That pretentious, heartless asshole has no business trying to sympathize with me, I want to kick him out of my room, to get dressed and to tell him to go to hell. But something tells me, with this very small window of time we have left with each other, that if I say goodbye again, it'll be for the last time.
I'm not ready for that.
"Can you not?" I sigh. I guess there are two sides to this. No, he can't understand what I'm feeling, but I guess I can't understand what he is trying to make himself feel, just so he can ignore the empty ache in his chest. Or maybe I do get it, considering I was so afraid that I couldn't feel anything back in Transmute City. To be honest, I don't really know which of us has it worse.
"You know, you should stop bottling these things up. Makes for a hell of an explosion when things finally come to the surface, got it memorized?" He asks.
"Or, and hear me out, or…Eventually the feelings are snuffed out and I never need to deal with them again." I say, with a shrug.
"Please tell me about all the times that that's worked for you." He smirks. I glare.
"I hate you so much." But I don't. The words fall between the two of us and eventually his smirk fades to a very weak smile. Maybe 'I hate you' will have to suffice for now.
"I know you do, sweetheart."
"Why does she have such red hair?" I lean over Naminé's shoulder, looking down at her sketchbook and she flinches at my voice. Which makes me kinda sad, because the week we've been here, I've been trying to be so nice to her. And to constantly deflect Marluxia's advances on the girl, because really, what the fuck? It makes me wonder if maybe his wants for her aren't completely sexual and he's just trying to manipulate her into doing his bidding in some way. Maybe Axel's sources weren't too off, maybe he and Larxene are traitors, eager to manipulate the girl into controlling Sora.
"Oh…I guess I don't know." Naminé tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Who is she?" I ask. She chews on the chapped skin of her pink lips.
"Kairi." I recognize the name right away, only because it hasn't been that long since I heard it last.
"Sora's friend. That girl he likes." I nod. "The girl who's heart you came from." Naminé looks at me with sad eyes.
"Yes." She says, as though it is a very dark, hurtful secret. I guess I don't understand why. Even with all of these truths coming to light, I still feel as though I am in the dark, with only Axel's words to guide me.
"Are you sure you're okay with all of this, Naminé? Manipulating Sora and all?" I ask her, because who the hell am I to judge what deals she has to strike to stay alive, but still... Her mouth twists.
"I…I don't…" She struggles and suddenly, Larxene is right behind us, hand on her hip, her cackle in the air.
"Oh, does our little pet think she gets a say? That's too cute!" She sneers. "Don't mind Rueki, Naminé. She thinks that if she spreads her legs for people she'll get a say in things. She's even stupider than she looks."
"Dude, fuck off." I sigh.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" She's suddenly got me by the hair and has turned me to face her, pushing me so hard into the back of Naminé's chair, that the girl topples over in it, falling to the ground. "You know, you should learn to watch your mouth, Axel isn't here to tell me not to kill you. It'd be a shame if you suddenly came up missing." She trails a fingernail down the back of my neck, with the hand that is not in my hair. Even through her gloves, I can feel it biting into my skin. I chomp the inside of my cheek to keep composure.
"Fucking do it then." I roll my eyes. She twists the hand that is already woven through my hair and yanks. I crumple backwards and grab onto the chair, trying to hold steady.
"Don't tempt me, sweetheart." She hisses, lips at my ear.
"Only Axel gets to call me that. And only because I'm fucking him. Which come to think of it, is kind of funny, because he really doesn't seem interested in getting near you with a twelve foot pole. Tough luck, I guess being an absolute cunt isn't working for you." Her hold on my hair only releases so that she can slap me hard enough to knock me into the ground.
"That's enough, Larxene." Axel's voice sounds off and from where I'm lying on the floor, I can see him upside down, at the doorway. Naminé is huddled into a ball, looking too afraid to move.
I push myself back up to my feet and bat my eyes tauntingly at Larxene.
"Stupid slut." She hisses.
"Sticks and stones." I grin.
"Oh, is that an invitation to break your bones." She growls and I watch her shoulders start to curl, like a wild animal.
"Why do all of you assholes talk such a big game and then—"
"Rueki." Axel grabs my arm and yanks me back behind him.
"Awe, put back on the shelf, little dolly." Larxene laughs. I open my mouth to say something back, but Axel turns to me and puts a finger to my lip.
"Listen sweetheart, there really is a time to learn when to shut your mouth." He whispers.
"I don't want her to win!" I whisper back, my gaze still narrowed on her. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
"One of these days, I'm not gonna be there to shut you up." He reminds me.
"By then, hopefully I won't be dealing with a group of people without hearts." I say. He looks at me with a furrowed brow. He opens his mouth to say something, but an empty noise comes out and he heaves a sigh, probably struggling with what to say back to that, and of course I take a small bit of pride in knowing I've left someone speechless. But there's something a hell of a lot less satisfying when a look of pain crosses Axel's features.
Suddenly, behind us, Naminé gasps. We turn around to look at where she is now seated in her chair, once again. Larxene is still standing by with arms crossed to her chest.
"Sora is back. From his first memory world." Naminé breathes, and that is going to take a minute to get used to—her being able to sense him and all.
"Figures, no wonder Marluxia is still gone. Probably wants to have some fun with his new toy." Larxene smirks. I look to Axel, a look of anxiety flashing across my face and he barely looks at me long enough to process it, but he seems to pick up what I'm putting down—that Marluxia might do irreparable damage to Sora.
"Well that's not fair." Axel tells her with a grin. "Leaving the rest of us out of the fun." She looks at him with a predatorial gaze before striding over, swinging her slim hips, dramatically. Only acknowledging me to nudge me aside, she reaches Axel and tucks a finger under his chin, looking at him through thick lashes.
"Why don't you go join in then, hmm?" She asks. He raises an eyebrow and offers me a questioning look. My expression must be somewhere between aroused and pissed, because he just offers me a small smile and brushes her aside with the wave of his hand. I watch her jaw literally drop.
"I think I might." But there's no might about it. He offers me a cautionary glance before opening a portal and stepping into it.
Larxene wheels around, a deadly look in her eyes.
"Don't say anything." She hisses.
"Honestly, I was just gonna say I'm surprised that didn't work. Cuz even I'm a little turned on." I confess. She blinks, comically at me before shaking her head and stomping out the door.
Naminé looks at me from behind the cover of her sketchbook, and as I turn back to her, I catch her. She quickly looks back down and chews on her lip again.
"She's a bitch, but really, she is hot." I shrug. Naminé doesn't even giggle. Instead she just scribbles a little more furiously. "She hits hard though." I rub my cheek, which I swear, must still have her hand print embedded into it.
"I'm sorry." Naminé barely whispers, eyes never coming up from her drawing.
"About?" I lift an eyebrow and come to take a seat on the floor in front of her. She gazes down at me.
"I didn't do anything, when you were fighting. You've been being nice to me, if I wasn't so weak, I would've…I could've.." She shakes her head and I swear she's gonna start crying, which makes me hella uncomfortable.
"Hey, don't. It's cool, I was egging her on." I insist, waving my hands. Her eyes meet mine, misty. Fuck, she's worse than Amaya was. "I'm just an asshole, I can't help myself, when people wanna debate with me, I can't not fight back."
"You're not…That." She says and I smile a little bit, wondering if Naminé could even swear if she tried.
I offer her a smile and she returns to her pictures. I watch, head tilted for what seems like an eternity. And well, to be honest, she's pretty fucking terrible at drawing, but she's a kid and she's sweet and incredibly sensitive for someone without a heart, and was probably held captive by the Organization for Twilight knows how long, so I don't even make a sarcastic comment at her. I don't even say anything until I hear the clicking of boots behind me.
"Your turn to greet the Keyblade Master, Rueki, he's just reached the forth floor." Marluxia stands at the doorway, his eyes on Naminé and my skin crawls.
"I'm gonna hang out here." I say, stubbornly.
"I'm afraid you're implying that you have a choice." He tells me, and then in a tone like butter, says "if I have to, I will drag you out by that pretty, pretty hair of yours." My scalp is still tender from Larxene's hair pulling.
"I'll be back soon." I tell Naminé, squeezing her hand. She offers me a nod and I stand, turning to Marluxia. "You gonna at least open up a portal for me, or do I have to run down all those flights of stairs?" I ask. He waves his hand an opens a portal.
"Despite your rudeness." He replies. I shrug and disappear into the portal. This time, the darkness isn't completely disorienting, at least not compared to the feeling that I just went down ten floors in a few seconds. It's like an elevator but a thousand times worse and I all but stumble out of the portal, grabbing the wall for support.
I hear the laughter of Sora, Donald and Goofy before I even see them. They come up the staircase and appear in the blinding light.
"Rueki!" Sora's eyes go wide the second he sees me, and he and the other two sprint over to me.
"What are you doing in Castle Ahbliva…Obvio…" Goofy seems to be struggling.
"Oblivion!" Donald huffs.
"Yeah! Last time we saw you, you were saying goodbye, in Transmute City." Goofy says. "Is that the next memory world?"
"I'm pretty sure you still have other cards to play with. But I dunno." I shrug. "I'm just the welcoming committee."
"I thought that first guy in the coat was?" Donald asks. Marluxia. Right, probably didn't offer them his name, what a douche.
"No, he's an asshole. Pretend he doesn't exist, it'll really piss him off." I say with a shrug. "He's got a big head on him. But still, I've worked with worse." And I feel almost dirty, knowing very well what I have to do. I remember the script Axel gave me. 'Play the villain, egg Sora on, encourage him to continue to shed his old memories, fight him if you have to, but let him win, it'll be better for his spirit'. I guess better villain than victim, I don't do damsel in distress.
"Wait, you're working with them?" Goofy asks.
"But aren't they the bad guys?" Donald pipes up. I offer a weak smile.
"That's a little to linear of a way to look at things, if you ask me. They're my friends." I shrug.
"What about Del and Amaya?" Sora asks.
"They let me know they didn't want me around anymore. Thanks to you, I might add. But I took the hint, and found a new group, and a place where I belong." Which is a gigantic lie, but a girl's gotta do whatever it takes to survive, right? Besides, Sora will be okay, Axel even said so. And in this mess that I have made out of my life, I've gotta start taking the necessary actions to get myself free.
He looks at me with such a hurt look and dammit, how did I not realize that no one in the Organization has a heart? This kids emotions are crystal clear, I think I might've actually missed what it feels like to be around someone with a heart. My own nearly shatters. He seems to be piecing things together and I can see questions forming behind his eyes.
"What did I do? How is it my fault?" He asks.
"If it weren't for the argument over your damn ship, my boyfriend and best friend might not have been angry enough to lash out. So angry that they decide the best way to hurt me was to throw themselves at each other. So thanks for that." I say, in a tone that doesn't fit how little I give a shit. But if I'm going to be a villain, I've got to have a rich backstory. Might as well prove to Axel that I'm not a terrible liar.
"That's not my fault!" Sora tries.
"Because you're so blameless? Not everything is black and white, kid." I say.
"You don't mean that." He insists.
"I do. Sorry."
"Rueki, we can help you!" Donald quacks.
"This isn't about rescuing, but thanks for the offer. It's you guys that look like you could use some help." I say, and finally, my tone starts to sound a little more sincere, because in all actuality, I would like to be helping Sora, Donald and Goofy. But it's Axel that I trust to be pulling the strings behind the scene, setting things up so that they don't crash and burn. Funny enough, it's Axel that I'm betting on, and not this hero. "I'm here to tell you that you've got to keep going. You can't be afraid of this Castle, because you won't lose anything that's important. You'll just get rid of the dead weight. And if you keep going…Maybe you'll be able to find her."
"Who are you talking about?" Goofy asks.
"Maybe you should ask Sora. Why do you think you're forgetting so many things? You have so, so many memories buried underneath. And I thought I had amnesia." I shake my head. This poor kid. I'm such an asshole. But I doubt me, him or anyone in his party have any chance at making it out of the castle if I decide to betray Marluxia's plan. I'm not good at this, I'm too restless to play the long game, but this time, it looks like I have to.
"A girl?" Sora asks.
"Think about it." I offer. He just scrunches his face up.
"I don't remember anything…Rueki, what are you talking about?" Sora just looks at me with these broken, blue eyes and something about it is even harder, because I don't see Sora anymore. I see Roxas. And that kid is such a doof, I can't let him down.
I can't hurt him.
I want to tell him there was no girl and to turn back around. But I can't.
"Try harder to remember, kid." I say. He reaches out to me and I flinch, taking a step back, unprepared for any sort of human contact.
"You're really my enemy now?" He asks. I release my hand from the card and he pulls it into his pocket.
"Yeah." I murmur. "Sorry."
A heavy silence hangs over the group of us, Sora staring at me with these big hurt eyes, me trying to look anywhere but at him.
"We're not going to let our friend turn, just like that." He finally announces, summoning the Keyblade. I bite back a smile. If only he had crash landed in The World That Never Was with me, I could've used some of these heroics then. Things would be a hell of a lot different.
"So you're going to beat me into submission? Real cute, kid." I brandish Survivor in front of me and we enter the realm of combat.
Sora charges at me, and slams into me with a combo. He's quick, but I'm quicker, I jump over the blade and kick him in the face, which is probably a little mean.
Nothing a potion can't fix.
I land almost on top of his blade and use the closeness to my advantage. I swipe and knock him back with an upper cut, trying to stay right on top of him. I follow him, consistently dealing combos—uppercuts, slashes, kicks—until I knock him back further than I mean to. Fuck.
He slashes at me and puts me into the ground. For a hunk of metal, that Keyblade does actually have a bite to it. I roll over just before he delivers another hit and jump to my feet, snaking my way around another series of attacks. He hits harder, but I'm faster on my feet, if I can just put enough distance between the two of us, I can cure myself and be fine. He smacks me once again with the blade and this time, I go flying, hitting the ground hard.
I charge at him, pissed. I know I'm supposed to lose this fight in the first place, but fuck this kid. Closing the distance between us, at top speed, I slash at him, once, twice, again and again. He goes to knock me back, but not before I deliver a swift kick to his stomach. I hit the ground but fumble for a potion from my pocket. Before I can get to it, he comes flying at me and knocks me back into the air and this time there's no retaliation. I feel the blade slam into my midsection. He jumps into the air and delivers a combo that takes my breath away. I struggle to my feet.
"That sucked." I've got my arm around my middle and am huffing and puffing. Sora doesn't look like he's doing awesome either though, to be honest. With anyone else I might feel victorious, with him I just feel like a jerk, especially after taunting him like the bully on the playground.
"You should come with us." Sora pants. "You could travel with us, you don't need to be on their side!"
"Ask me again next time I see you, I hear the third time's the charm." I retreat back into the still open portal and watch it close over my shoulder.
Axel is on the other side. Everyone is on the other side. Marluxia pacing with his arms behind his back, Larxene very pointedly mocking him and Naminé drawing. My most (and least) favorite redhead is leaning over the girl's shoulder, watching her draw but upon hearing me stumble in, looks up. Unfortunately he's not the only one who does.
"Awe, did the poor baby get hurt? Was the big bad prepubescent too much for you to handle?" Larxene cackles, probably bored from having to spend the past however long with only three people to harass.
"I'm so not in the mood." Is what I offer her.
"You have completed your task, I see." Marluxia says, and I glare at him.
"Yeah, but maybe save the real harassment for those of you who don't have hearts to give a shit. Sora has never done me wrong, I don't like lying to him." I say. Axel smirks and steps over to me, clapping a hand on my shoulder—hard. "Douche." I nearly crumple and he laughs, but quickly grabs the top of my arm, supporting me.
"Sorry, sweetheart. Couldn't help it." He confesses. The others seem to have lost interest in us, and I take a minute to be candid with him.
"Sora's strong. I mean, I already knew that, but damn, for being like five, the kid packs a punch." I steady myself, but Axel wraps an arm around my shoulders.
"Sounds like you're not as tough as you thought you were." He teases.
"Haha. Fuck you." I say, even though I lean into him. "I thought I was in better shape than this."
"Well, sounds like we'll have to do something to get you blood pumping. What, oh what, could that be, I wonder?" A glint lights in his eye.
"Or we can nap and then we can spar. And I can kick your ass." I offer.
"Really now?" He raises an eyebrow.
"Yep."