XII.
"You look like hell."
"You had the advantage, dick."
"Oh really?"
"You have control over fire and you can teleport." I groan as Axel tends to a wound on my arm. I didn't ask him to, he doesn't even seem to want to, but I don't argue with him.
"Sounds like you should've nullified fire before you got this. I'm not itching to leave any more scars on you, Rueks, got it memorized?" He asks. I scoff.
"Yeah, keep it up, I'll give you another one of these." I trace the gash I left on his face and he offers me a sly grin.
"Little bit of pain keeps the spark alive, sweetheart." He wraps the bandage around my arm tightly before standing up tall, stretching out his arms.
"Not that we have any issue with that." I say, but I'm chewing on my lip, because this feels too easy. This feels too good. I'm so damn selective with what I pay attention to, because whether I'm enjoying myself or not, he still doesn't have a heart. That hasn't changed, and neither should the distance I keep from him. I've gotten too close, yet again.
"You made me take a nap with you, I already told you that I'm not your boyfriend once before." He taps my nose but seems to realize the second that the words leave his mouth, that they were not a good choice. "Sorry."
"It just sucks." I confess. He looks me over for a moment, his eyes hard, his mouth a pathetic little half smile.
"Yeah." He agrees. "I mean for you, not for me." He offers me a very amused grin, but I don't return it. I just look up at him, face stoic, before heaving a sigh.
"We can't sleep together anymore." I tell him.
"Fine by me, you drool in your sleep anyway." He teases, and damn, he really doesn't know how to read emotions.
"No, not that. But I mean, that too. We can't fuck each other anymore." I say flatly.
"You'd miss it too much." He waves his hand at me.
"Probably." I agree. "But…my heart can't handle it. It's too hard to separate things anymore."
He's stony as he looks at me, but he nods.
"So just friends then?" He asks.
"No more benefits." I confirm, but he comes to sit down next to me on my bed, close enough where I can feel the warmth radiating off of him.
"Well damn, that means I actually have to pretend I like you. Even when we're talking." He teases. I reach over and slug him.
"You're such an asshole, you're probably a pretty shitty friend."
"Probably." He agrees. "Speaking of friends, how'd Sora take it? You know, the whole you being an evil bitch thing?" He asks.
"Dude, obviously he beat the shit out of me." I remind him.
"Well yeah, the kid's on high alert, he's 'remembering' all kinds of crazy things, he doesn't know what's real and what isn't. Of course you were gonna get beaten up." Axel shrugs.
"Thanks for the warning then." I roll my eyes.
"Eh, you're tough. You handled him." Axel says and I actually have to bite back a smile, because I'm a stupid girl with stupid feelings.
"He wasn't completely discouraged though, he's gonna keep fighting, if that's what you're wondering. He'll be a good pawn." I frown. He raises an eyebrow.
"What are you so worked up about?" He asks.
"Sora's a good kid. He's got a heart. He has people he cares about. And he literally saved my world. I still feel things like guilt." I snip. He just rolls his eyes, because he knows better by now.
"He'll be fine, Rueki. He's the Keybearer, he's resilient." Axel insists.
"Yeah, says you." I remind him.
"And you don't trust me?" He offers me a feigned hurt look, but I just pout.
"No, I do, but that's the problem. Cuz I know that I really shouldn't."
He doesn't disagree with me.
I pick at the split ends on my hair, sitting against the legs of Naminé's chair. She may even be a worse conversationalist than Roxas. Mostly, if I ask her too much about Sora, she cries. If I ask her too much about being a Nobody, she cries. If I make a comment about Larxene being a bitch she cries. And Larxene kicks me. Neither are particularly fun experiences, but hell, at least I can take a hit.
Sora has moved up to the fifth floor. Larxene is getting restless, I haven't seen Marluxia in days, a strange rumbling sounds off from the basement and I look to Axel for answers. He just shakes his head.
"Better not to ask, sweetheart."
I beat Axel at a game of chess. He sighs irritably and looks at the wall. I don't think he was actually trying in the first place.
"I could think of a lot better things to do with you than this, Rueks." He informs me. I smirk because for the first time I'm actually holding up my end of the 'no sex' thing, and he seems to be under the impression that I'm not suffering. Little does he know I'm contemplating throwing the chess board aside and literally crawling across the table and onto his lap. Instead, I prop my elbow on the table and put my chin in my hand.
"You're predictable. Is that what happens when you don't have a heart?" I ask and he snickers.
"You should be at some of the meetings from before you and Roxas were around. All we ever heard about was how our heart collection results were unsatisfactory and we needed to step up our game. Talk about one track mind." He shakes his head.
"Funny, Xemnas didn't really strike me as the type desperate to get his heart back." Not the way Axel is.
"To be honest, I don't know how many members actually remember or even care what it felt like to have a heart. Sure, we may all have memories of our emotions, our physical reactions to them and all, but you'd be surprised, it seems pretty easy for everyone to get used to not having a heart. I don't think anyone will actually care that theirs are back until they're…you know, back." Axel shrugs.
"Do you really think it's the end all be all, just like that? Without a heart, you're nothing but the second you get it back, you'll be an entirely different person? Because some of the members, I can't possibly imagine becoming warm and nurturing after getting a heart." Larxene, Xemnas…Saix.
He seems to think about that for a minute. I don't know if it's nerves or habit, but he reaches out to wrap a strand of my hair around his finger. When he finally speaks, his answer is exactly what I should've expected.
"I dunno. Guess you'll never have to worry about that, Rueks."
I beat Larxene at chess. She chases me around the board for all of fifteen minute, and she plays a lot like me. Aggressively, trying to end the game and claim victory as quickly as possible. But I know my own weaknesses well enough that I learn hers with ease. She chases me around the board, but she leaves her King completely defenseless. She thinks she has me cornered, a bloodthirsty smile on her lips and a spark in her eyes, when I say "Check mate."
She looks over the board, eyes darting back and forth and when she realizes that I'm not just fucking with her, she screams and flips the board over.
Perhaps this is why Axel tried to stop the two of us from fighting.
"You are such a smug little bitch, Rueki. Just wait until your little friend is completely void of memories and we send him after you. Maybe that'll wipe that look off your face." Larxene snaps, before storming off, leaving only me with the fallen chess board to clean up.
I beat Marluxia at chess, and he's far more difficult to beat than Axel—who surely wasn't trying—or Larxene. He keeps a stony look about him at all times, his eyes barely even gracing the board, it's like he's ten steps ahead of me at any given point in time. There's a point in the game where I wonder if he's maybe borrowed a little bit of luck from Luxord, because he doesn't seem to have a weakness. Until I am almost defeated. He's had me in check the past three moves and while I've been trying to get my King away from him, I realize he has left himself defenseless. He's been cocky, he thinks he's smarter than me. So I attack. Four moves later, I have declared Check Mate and his jaw is on the ground. He looks everything over, and I see his lips moving, as though he is going over every single move I have made, over and over again in his head. He's not happy, I can tell, but when he looks at me, there is something conspiratorial in his eyes, as though he is almost proud of me.
He's a wolf in sheep's clothing.
"You're quite resourceful, Rueki." He tells me. I shrug.
"My game got a lot better thanks to Luxord." I admit.
"Even so, you could've easily been defeated many times, but you still found a way to emerge victorious in the end." He's never complimented me like this, but I can see how easy it would be to fall for whatever words grace his lips. I mumble an uncomfortable 'thank you', trying to avoid looking into his eyes, as though he is Medusa. "You know, Xemnas wants you eliminated."
And I am shocked by how he says the leader's name, with such utter distain, contempt, he doesn't even call him 'Lord'.
"I know." I look up, mouth firm, eyes hard, because if he thinks he's going to somehow be my best friend now, he's got another thing coming. He's an idiot if he thinks that Axel hasn't already passed this on to me. His face shifts, his perfect smile cracking a tiny bit before he rights himself. His mask is mended without more than a second's effort.
"He thinks you have no purpose, outside of manipulating the Keybearer. In fact, were in not for your lover, Saix would've personally seen to your assassination, already." He leans forward, hand tucked under his chin, staring up at me through his thick lashes. I clench my jaw, trying to keep my expression as steady as possible, because yeah, I know that I'm only around because of my past with Sora, but Axel never mentioned that he was campaigning to keep me alive.
"What sort of say does Axel have in my life?" I ask, in an emotionless tone.
"All of the say, apparently." Marluxia smirks and I hate myself for giving in to him, for some reason I know this exchange of information between the two of us will not be free. "He has been doing everything in his power to assure that you make it another day. He even went so far as to tie his own life line to yours up until coming here. If you failed, he would've been eliminated as well. Do you think it was purely coincidental, the two of you being partnered up for missions and your being sent to this castle?"
"I thought I was just here for Sora, that's all my mission card says." I offer. He laughs, a haughtily, condescending, unpleasant sound.
"Oh sweet Rueki, fortunately for you, you're very pretty." He says.
"And smarter than you, or you wouldn't've lost this game." I snark back and to my shock, he gives me an amused sort of smile.
"You've got a poison running through your veins that is desperate to get out." He tells me, and I twitch, having to remind myself that unlike with Axel, I can't just reach over and smack him.
"Why don't we get back to talking about Axel?" I ask and he just grins at me.
"Your heart has quite the magnetic pull to him, even after everything you've learned about us." He observes, I just glare.
"We're just friends now." I correct him.
"Of course, and you have no lingering feelings for him." Marluxia taunts. My knuckles go white, my fingernails bite into my palms.
"Why is he fighting so hard to keep me alive?" I ask. Marluxia shrugs.
"That I do not know, I do find it to be odd though that he personally volunteered to be the one to end you. Do you think he'll follow through? You should ask yourself, Rueki, how loyal can a man without a heart truly be to you?" He leers. I stand up shoving myself away from the table. "I am willing to offer you protection that he can't, if you'd be willing to calm down and listen to my proposal."
"Telling a woman to calm down will never get you anywhere." I snap, storming out of the room. I stomp the rest of the way down the hall, to Axel's room and without knocking, enter. He's sleeping, but I don't care, we're long past this type of formality. With a rough shove, he snorts, jolting awake, blinking as though he is trying to cast away the sleepiness.
"There is no one in the world that wants to be woken up that way, Rueks, got it memorized?" He asks.
"Why did you volunteer to kill me?" I already know the answer, it's obvious that he did it so that no one else would and he could let me get away without anyone knowing. Or he's lying to me and wants me dead. I furrow my brow because what the hell, which side is he even playing?
He sits up with a grunt, rolling his shoulder muscles back and I have to physically grasp his sheets to force myself not to jump his bones.
"C'mon Rueks, you're smarter than that." His voice is still heavy with exhaustion, but I take his face into my hands and force him to look at me.
"Yeah, but it's shit having to find out from Marluxia that you've been campaigning to keep me alive these past few months." I say. He shifts, uncomfortably, freeing his face from my grasp. "Why wouldn't you tell me? That's not exactly something to be ashamed of, I owe you my life." The weight of those words sinks onto my shoulders and I sit back, curling my knees into my chest, on his bed.
"Jeez, things were hard enough between us before all of this." He shakes his head, hair falling, swaying limply in his face.
"All of what?" Though I already know the answer and I hate myself for asking. Everything is my fault, it really was just supposed to be sex, no strings attached. Stupid girl.
"Rueki." He just sighs. "Fighting with you isn't as fun when we're not fucking, can we just have a civil conversation?" He's kind of a prick, being woken up from a nap so abruptly. "There was so much going on, I just wanted to figure out where I knew you from, you just had to stay alive a little longer, and then we were having fun and then I figured out where you fell in my past. Sue me for wanting to keep you around."
"Marluxia said you put your life on the line. You told Xemnas that if I fucked up, you'd take the brunt of it." I say. He sighs, rubbing the back of his head.
"Remind me not to leave you two alone in a room again." Axel says.
"Dude, can you like talk to me for once?" I plead.
"I did, the other night." And he's right, but I still feel like I've only touched the tip of the iceberg with him and it makes me want to pull my hair out.
"Come on!" I insist.
"Why does it matter, Rueki? You're alive, sure, it's because of me, say thank you and just move on." He sighs.
"Fuck you, you don't get to act like I'm just another pawn in your big game. You know I would do anything for you, so just do this one fucking thing and talk to me like I'm your partner and not your burden!" I beg.
He's quiet for a long minute.
"You want me to give you a mission or something? Would you feel better if you were kept busy?" My hands ball into fists at his words.
"You're such a dick, for someone who doesn't have a heart, you're so damn moody." I snap.
"There are things that you are safer not knowing, Rueks, can't you trust me for one minute?" He asks, eyes hard and I laugh, loud and humorless.
"Fuck you. You know I trust you." I shake my head. "Even though it makes me a fucking idiot, I trust you, cuz in case you've missed it, I am such a fool for you. I feel like you are leading me around blindly, and I know I'll be safer if I can break free, but I'm more content to die with you holding my hand."
"You should go." Is all he says, and for the first time, since knowing him, I can believe that he doesn't have a heart. I can believe that everything he has ever said or done for me is a charade. His mask is falling away and what's lurking below the surface is darker and more devious than I could ever have imagined. I don't want to chip away at it, maybe I don't even want to know the truth. Maybe I just want to go back to pretending that he's got a heart and that he might secretly love me.
I climb out of his bed.
"I wish I didn't love you." I say. He doesn't reply, even as I leave the room, and somehow I think the silence hurts more than any words ever could.
Naminé beats me at chess. By a long shot, she beats me. Her smooth expression never once alters, she rarely speaks and she doesn't take her eyes off of the board once. I don't realize I have been cornered until it is far too late, and with a smile that actually touches her eyes, she declares "check mate." This, I did not see coming. How could I? This delicate angel who cries when I speak in too loud of a voice might just be more cunning than everyone in this castle… Everyone except…
"It must have been hard to tell Axel that you love him, although indirectly." She breathes, and I'm thankful that no one else is in the room with us, because I flinch like I've been hit. It takes me a minute to wonder how she knows, because no one knows, except of course Axel, who I haven't seen at all since I told him I wished I wasn't in love with him. And then I realize, my heart is tied to Sora's, of course Naminé can see my memories. Which is nosey as hell.
"Yeah, it was the worst." I agree, and I don't want to talk about it, because this girl is barely more than a stranger to me. But I suppose if I'm going to talk to anyone…
"What does it feel like? To be in love with somebody?" She asks me and I frown.
"I dunno, I've never loved anybody who has loved me back. All I have to speak from is this shit with Axel, and it sucks. I feel like hell all the time." There's a pit in my stomach and a hollow ache in my chest, my throat is constricted as I try to fight back tears. She may not have a heart, but I don't want to tell some fifteen year old girl the dirty details about what love feels like to me.
"I'm sorry." She whispers.
"It's not your fault. I'm just dumb." I shrug.
"Would you like me to alter your memories?" She asks and again, I flinch, because it's so hard to remember that this cherubic girl has such power. I touch my heart for a moment, and wonder if it would help. Maybe she could change things for me just before Axel sets me free? Maybe these memories of sitting numbly in bed and waiting for him to chase me and my rebuffed affections could turn into reciprocated ones in my mind? For a moment, a beautiful fantasy plays out in my head, where instead of confronting Axel in his room about not having a heart, I go in there and tell him I can't lie anymore and that I love him, and he says the same three words back to me. Maybe instead of sitting in the rain, I remember us spending an afternoon in Twilight Town, laughing, on an actual date. Maybe instead of him telling me he needed to fuck me cuz he liked to pretend he had a heart, he carried me to bed like a princess. Maybe instead of me begging him to be honest with me, he was without prompting. Maybe when I told him I wished I didn't love him, he ran after me and held me and told me to take it back because he can't imagine a life without me.
She'd have to kill him off in my memories for me to not be chasing after him for the rest of time, but would that be really so bad? My heart wouldn't know the difference, these false memories of happiness, of real love. Hell, I might not even be completely scarred for the rest of forever if she could just do that for me.
"What's the catch?" I ask.
"In order to implant different memories, you might end up losing more. If you wanted me to make you forget Axel or remember him differently, I'd have to place something to fill the void, you might end up forgetting more than just him. It's not an exact science." She confesses, smoothing the hem of her dress. I rub my arms, trying to feel warmth I haven't felt since the last time Axel held me.
"No." I lean back a little further in the chair. "I've lost enough already, memory wise. I know me. If I even found a seam in your implant, I would spend the rest of my life chasing after what's missing."
"Like you are now?" She asks and I snort.
"Exactly." I sigh. "You can't tell me what I'm forgetting, can you?" I ask. Her mouth presses into a firm line and she narrows her eyes in concentration.
"No." She finally announces, looking confused. "I keep getting locked out. It's like there's a door there, and it's not just that I don't have a key, there's no nob in the first place. It's like it's a sealed room of sorts."
"Wish I knew what was sealed up." I say.
"I want to know why." She tells me. "I've never encountered this before, even members of the Organization like Roxas, who don't yet have their memories. When I was being kept inside the Castle That Never was, I could still watch Sora's memories, like a movie in his mind, even though he didn't remember yet. What you have…I don't know what it is." She frowns.
"Well, it's nice to know that I didn't just hit my head and sustain brain damage."
I am minding my own business like a normal person, walking down one of the stark white halls of the castle when I hear voices. I stop in my tracks because one word in particular stands out to me.
Rueki.
My name. I hesitate, being very quiet and I quickly discover that it's Larxene and Marluxia, talking in harsh tones.
"Oh please, the only thing she's good for is teasing the Keybearer and throwing herself at Axel!" Larxene says.
"She's bright, Larxene, she could be a key piece in our plan." Marluxia insists.
"So what? You want her to lure Sora in and convince him to work for us? Fat chance at that, she is so uncooperative and not even that persuasive." Larxene retorts.
"She is disgruntled. I've informed her of what the Superior wants done with her by time we're finished in this Castle. It appears that Axel already told her, but a woman with a heart can be manipulated. If we can turn her against Axel or get the both of them on our side, her emotions will be easy to manipulate." Marluxia replies, voice like velvet.
"I guess…" Larxene mutters. "But it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't listen to anyone! I mean she's already unpredictable enough, even Xemnas doesn't want her alive."
"Imagine how she could be used as a weapon against him though! We fill her head with enough hatred and she'll assassinate him for us." He says.
"Ha! You think she could hold up in a fight against him?" She scoffs.
"I think she is stubborn enough, no matter how much he hit her, she wouldn't stop getting right back up. She is determined and such a slave to her emotions. If we can get Axel on our side, we'll tell her that we're going to try to get him a heart faster than Xemnas is. If we can't get him, then we remind her consistently that she will never mean anything to him, but she can find meaning in our cause." And I have to admit, Marluxia is right, that would change everything for me, distort everything I thought I knew. He could take control of me easily, use me as a pawn and I wouldn't even think twice.
And to think, I used to worry that I was cold and emotionless.
"That could work." Larxene confesses. "It would be easy to talk her into roping Sora into all of this too."
"Exactly." Marluxia replies, blithely. "She might be the key piece in the puzzle to overthrowing Organization XIII."
My heart is hammering so loud in my chest, I don't know how they don't both hear it. I stand perfectly still, not moving barely breathing, until I hear them retreat into their respective rooms and the second they do, I fly to Axel's door, going to throw it open, when I realize it is locked…
Oh, so it's going to be like that then?
I pound at the door and after a few moments, Axel answers, and I can tell it is with reluctance.
"What?" He asks, looking exhausted and irritable.
"Can I come in?" I ask.
"I'm really not in the mood to bicker with you sweetheart, try again later." He waves his hand but I stick my foot in the crack in his door.
"It's important." And I hope the intensity in my eyes and my tone conveys that to him. He doesn't even respond to me, just sighs dramatically and opens the door wide enough for me to come in. I close the door behind us, leaning against the frame. "I just heard Marluxia and Larxene confirm that they're trying to overthrow the Organization." I confess. He doesn't look surprised.
"Larxene told me the same thing about one floor ago." He replies.
"And you didn't think to tell me?" I know we're not hooking up, but I at least thought we were friends, I thought we were scheming together. I thought for one fleeting second that I wasn't so very alone in all of this.
"You're not even a member of the Organization, Rueki. It was my mission to eliminate the traitors, in a month, you won't even have to be here anymore and this can all just be a bad memory." He says and my face crumples.
"Don't do that." I say.
"Does it make it any easier when you have hope? Does it put your heart at ease, pretending that I can love you back? Because I'm trying to…I don't wanna make this harder than it already is." Axel runs a hand back through his hair and what remains of my heart shatters to pieces. I look down at my feet.
"Marluxia wants me on his side. He thinks he can use you to sway my emotions." I say. "They plan to use me as an attack dog on Xemnas and to recruit Sora."
"Can you do it?" He asks and I look up, eyes narrowed.
"Are you serious?"
"Can you fake it, Rueki? Can you lie and convince them that you're on their side long enough for me to take them down?"
The idea of being his partner in crime once again is so enticing, but I know this is just bait for me to take. Working with him won't suddenly earn him a heart and he's right, me having hope isn't making anything any easier. Plus, if I act as a double agent, who's to say that he won't suddenly decide to bring me back to The Castle That Never Was with him, as a hero to the Organization? Who's to say he won't credit me with taking down the traitors and suckering me into being his pawn, for the thousandth time?
"No." I breathe.
He won't even look me in the eye.
"I'm sure Naminé could use some company, why don't you bother her."