XIII.
I haven't spoken to Axel in days. In fact, I haven't spoken to anyone other than Naminé in days. Castle Oblivion is a big castle, there are plenty of floors and corridors to explore. Rooms that I have never been in, libraries with large tomes, and halls that lead to nowhere make up this strange world, a world that seems to be holding its breath, anticipating something that may never happen. I have spent hours in the library, and yet only one particular passage stands out to me in any of the books.
It's small, black, mostly handwritten with a few drawings, but on the front, in gold script is the word 'memory'. I waste no time, dropping to the floor and curling up with it, legs crisscrossed. It isn't a particularly long read, despite having to decipher the scribbled handwriting.
'Memories, how strange they are and yet, how they define us', the book starts, which like, yeah. No shit. I'm less than ten pages in when I catch myself rereading the same lines over and over again.
'An absence of memory or amnesia in any form is not actually a trouble in one's mind, but in one's heart. Despite the many worlds I have been to, I have only found a few cases of amnesia, each of them caused by interaction with darkness. Darkness has a way of obscuring the heart, hiding the truth in the shadows, however the heart is resilient and can come back even from the depths of darkness. I have seen this time and time again. Once illuminated by the power of light, those suffering from memory loss are usually reunited with lost memories. However there are even fewer cases of amnesia, where the memories seem to live within a chamber of the heart that is completely blocked off. Guarded, by a darkness so deep that the owner cannot help but to surrender their heart. To this day, I have not seen anyone come back from such a deep darkness, however there is always hope, and I truly believe that with a blinding, powerful force of light, even these 'locked' memories can be accessed. Perhaps my experiments with the heart will prove fruitful in combating this amnesia
-A'
My fingers trace over the words again and again, and so much of it sounds right, but nothing is adding up correctly. I don't recall being touched by darkness, and if Axel does, he hasn't shared that with me, but surely, I haven't submitted to it. With narrowed eyes, I concentrate, wondering if perhaps I am wrong. I think of the darkness and the pathways between worlds and wave my hand. To my complete disbelief, a portal begins to open and I draw a shaky breath, scooting back, further against the bookshelf.
Axel emerges from the portal that he opened, not me.
"Fucking hell dude, some of us can still have heart attacks." I snap. He is not at all amused. Instead, he looks me over, eyes hard, arms crossed to his chest. It's like he's not being him anymore.
"Oh Rueks, that was so funny I forgot to laugh." He says.
"What crawled up your ass and died? Is this because we're not sleeping together anymore? Cuz if you wanna throw a tantrum over that—"
"This sucks." He mutters and he strides over, taking a seat next to me. I tilt my head to look at him, brow knitting together.
"Yeah." I agree, sighing.
"I just want you to know…" He sighs, trying to find the words to say. "I didn't mean for it to go this way, got it memorized? It didn't want to…I didn't want you to…" He just sighs again and I nod, because I get it.
"I didn't mean to." I say, letting one leg stretch out as I wrap my arms around the other, leaning into my knee. Vague comments are the safest and only way that I can tell this man I love him. "I didn't think I could. When I came to your world, I was running away from myself. I was so afraid that I had grown cold, so cold that I wasn't even human anymore. Funny how things play out in the long run."
"Awe, Rueks, there's nothing wrong with you." He says, and I can tell he's trying to figure out what to do, without a heart to guide him, he doesn't have a clue how to comfort me. And I'm too stubborn to give him a hint, so we sit there, not touching, both of us staring at the ground. "Much as I hate to say it, it's me. You did everything exactly how I would've wanted. You would have been perfect if I wasn't so fucked up." He taps his chest. I finally look at him with wide eyes.
"Not like you asked to lose it. You're doing all you can with what you've got. I can't fault you for that." I offer.
"Still. Sucks having to break up with someone I might've actually liked." He nudges me with his elbow. My heart skips a beat.
"We're not breaking up, we were never together." I remind him. It's feeble, but it's the only thing that keeps me holding on, all things considered.
"C'mon sweetheart, what else would you call this?" He asks.
The reality of if it sets in and I pinch my eyes shut, drawing in a shaky breath. I'm not going to cry, not now, not in front of this man that in spite of everything, I love. I love Axel. And nothing is changing that now or any time in the near future, but I have no place to dispel it. Maybe love is only beautiful when you have someone to give it to. Because this feels like torture. My stomach twists, my hands shake.
"Rueki?" He breathes my name and I don't want it to, but it sounds like gospel. I peek my eyes open, chewing my lips.
"If we're breaking up…" I start. "Then can we…one last time?" I don't need to clarify. In one swoop, he drapes himself over me, pressing my back down onto the ground, hands cupping my face as he kisses me. I drink him in, trying to savor every second of this. It began in the library, might as well end in the library. He wraps his arms around my waist, sneaking them around the small of my back, pressing me tightly against him. I groan, wrapping my legs around his waist as his lips trail down my neck.
"Damn shame I never got to put it in your ass." He teases, in between sucking my skin between his teeth.
"Maybe in another life." I try to joke, but the words come out throaty and wavering, as though I am trying to choke down tears…Which I am, but I want this, I really want this, I need to hold it together, at least long enough to—
"Rueki?" He looks down, holding himself above me, palms now pressed to the floor. "What's wrong?" He asks. I shake my head, pinching my eyes shut, trying to will these stupid feelings away.
"Nothing, don't stop." I say and once I open my eyes, I am met by a look I recognize. His face says 'this was a mistake'. "Axel, please, I need this." I beg, grabbing the fabric of his coat. He shakes his head, and with his knee supporting him, he peels my fingers off of him and stands. I stand up and reach out to grab his sleeve. He lets me, but the look never washes off his face.
"Rueks, this is a terrible idea and we both know it." He tells me.
"I don't care." I insist.
He is unwavering for a moment before taking his arm back and opening up a portal.
"I can't do this. Sorry." And then he's gone. Through the portal and just as quickly as it opened, it closes up behind him.
My arms fall to my side, my knees buckle and finally, I cry.
The next time I run into Axel, he is knocking on the door to my room. I haven't left my bed in three days, he's leaning against the doorway, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Hi." My voice is small and breathy.
"Hey." He says.
"I've been avoiding you." I confess.
"I know." He nods. "Me too." He offers me a small smile. I snort out a laugh.
"How much longer do I have here?" I ask.
"Not much longer, but I've got a mission for you." He tells me. I make a face.
"I don't want to harass Sora again." I tell him. He shrugs.
"That's rough, sweetheart. Just be grateful you're not schmoozing with Larxene and Marluxia." He tosses a notecard my way. I don't move to catch it, I just regard him with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, about that. Why am I not schmoozing with them? Didn't they have these sneaky plans to recruit me?" I ask.
"That's not an issue anymore." He says with a wave of his hand. I pick up and open the notecard, which is basic enough. 'Taunt Sora, tell him Naminé is in danger, offer him a world card for Transmute City'.
"Really? Taunt? What am I, a bully on the playground?" I ask and he snorts.
"Just go with it sweetheart. And while you're at it, I've got a favor to ask." He says.
"Seriously?" I whine. "Isn't this enough?" I ask, waving the notecard around.
"This isn't for the Organization, it's for me." And to my chagrin, that changes things. Bastard. "I've gotta scout the Castle for something, a secret room of sorts. I need you to go to the basement these next couple of days, keep an eye on the crew down there for me, got it memorized?" He asks. I raise an eyebrow.
"Why?" I ask. He shrugs.
"Let's just say I've got a feeling our friends down there don't want me around too much longer. Sora's getting close to the top floor and there's still too much that I've gotta do. Can't have anyone turning my lights out early." He tells me and my face contorts.
"You think someone downstairs wants you dead?" I ask.
"I don't just think, Rueks. You've missed a lot, hiding from all of us this past week." He proceeds to catch me up on Vexen coming upstairs, with a puppet, a replica of Sora's friend Riku that has been taunting him with false memories of Naminé. Sora is ten floors up and this replica, created by Vexen has gone rogue. "So now, sweetheart, it's your turn again." I nod, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, standing up. "You look like hell." He tells me, I laugh.
"Yeah, well." Is all I counter with.
"Seriously you go to Sora looking like that and he'll think we've tortured you." He says, though with a hint of sincerity in his voice.
"I don't care anymore, let's get this over with." I say. He waves his hand and opens up a portal for me but stops me, placing a hand against my cheek.
"And then you'll go to the basement?" He asks. I nod.
"Anyone in particular to keep an eye on?" I ask.
"Zexion." He says.
"I'll silence his doubts." I say.
"Seriously, you're my partner. I need you to do whatever it takes, got it memorized?" He asks. I nod again and he leans in, his lips barely touching mine. This ghost of a touch sends my heart into overdrive. As he pulls away, I feel myself shaking again.
"Axel." I breathe.
"Go." He tells me. My heart hammers in my chest as I brush past him and into the portal. I feel the darkness as it swirls around me, and for a moment, I want it to consume me. My head is playing tricks on me, I have fallen to my knees for him too many times, and I know that if I continue down this path, I will continue to be a slave for him. Again and again, all he needs to do is touch me and I will do his bidding. I don't know when I became someone else's puppet, I don't know when I started to lose myself, but the very thought that I am being manipulated by someone I love, someone who knows I love them, it sickens me. I emerge on the other side of the portal as Sora comes up the stairs.
"Rueki!" He says.
"You're doing a real shit job, trying to…what was it again? Protect Naminé?" Because truly, I cannot remember the story we're going with anymore. And in that moment I hate the blonde girl for what she is doing to my friend. I hate Sora for falling for it, I hate Donald and Goofy for not dragging his ass out of the castle, I hate Axel for taking a hold of my heart. Most of all, I hate myself for letting him.
"I'm trying to get to her, Rueki!" He insists.
"Yeah, we know you're not a bad guy, why can't ya help us?" Goofy asks.
"You're not the only one who's heart belongs to someone that they'd do anything for. Trust me kid, it's not you, it's me." I say.
"Are you talking about Del?" Donald asks and I snort.
"No, I'm not talking about some moronic boy who couldn't tie his damn shoelaces without me." But wasn't life so much simpler when I was with him? Things didn't hurt nearly as bad. I wasn't so angry… "But I've got a little card here for you. You can go say hi to the memories of my idiot friends." I wave the card Axel gave me around.
"Why are you being so cruel?" Sora asks.
"Cuz I got dealt a shit hand. And so did you. You'd do better to turn back around and forget all about Naminé." I say.
"No way could I do that. She's special to me!" He insists. I laugh, a hollow empty sound.
"You don't wanna keep on about that. Trust me, it sucks, to love someone who doesn't have a heart in the first place." I say.
"What are you talking about?" Sora asks.
"It's the worst feeling, because nothing changes what's in your heart. You give and give and hope it'll be enough but it never is. You're a victim to your own emotions. I promise you Sora, nothing hurts worse." I say, brandishing Survivor. His eyes widen as he summons the Keyblade. "I'll spare you the pain."
"Rueki, you don't need to do this." He tries.
I fly at him, quickly closing the distance with a series of slashes, a kick, a jab. I throw my weight into him and put him into the ground, delivering another hard kick to his jaw, sending him skidding across the floor. Before he can recover, I fish from my pocket and throw a grenade. He barely dodge rolls out of the way, huffing and puffing.
The kid is an idiot, a damn moron for falling into this trap, for letting some cute blonde girl take everything he knows and loves and cast it all aside. A fucking martyr if he's going to treat protecting her like it's his only mission in life. A pretentious fool if he can justify these new memories of her. He didn't come save me in The Castle That Never Was, he's not my friend. He's nothing.
My hands shake with rage as I go to throw another grenade. Sora lets out a battle cry and comes charging after me, but this time, I'm ready. Just as he goes to slash the Keyblade, I jump, using the flat of the blade to bounce and flip back behind him. Before he can counter, I smash my claw into him, knocking him back to the ground.
"Rueki, stop!" He insists, struggling to catch his breath, but something inside of me has gone dark and refuses to see the sun. I slam the grenade down and the explosion drags him across the floor. He struggles to get up and I close the distance quickly, but not before he knocks me back with his Keyblade. He sprints after me, and I'm faster than him, but it works to his advantage. He unleashes a sleight of attacks on me and I hit the ground, clutching my middle.
"Don't fuck with me today, kid." I growl.
"What's happened to you?" He asks, but I don't dignify it with an answer, I kick him to the ground and throw myself at him and I see red. I slash, constantly, without remorse, without allowing him the chance to bounce back from an attack. I fight him like an enemy, like he's a Heartless, like he is the one who has destroyed my heart. I slash until I see him beneath me, battered, destroyed. One more hit, and all of this will be over.
"I…I can't." I shake my head, my heart hammering up to my temples, tears starting to prick at my vision. Fuck, the levee has broken. My hold on my own emotions has shattered and this boy, this poor fucking boy has taken the brunt of my own self hatred. My limbs tremble as I lower Survivor and draw away from him. He's got his arm around his middle and I offer him a hand. He looks at me, with these sad, broken eyes, as though this is a trick. "I'm sorry. None of this is your fault, it's all me." I say." With much effort, he reaches out his hand and wraps it around mine and with all my might, I pull him to his feet. I reach my arm underneath his, supporting his weight, and he leans into me, panting.
"What changed your mind?" He asks as I fish an Elixir out of my pocket. I pull the cap open with my teeth and offer it to him. He takes it gingerly in his hands and sips at it.
"You didn't deserve this. Any of it. You're a good kid. I took my own shit out on you." I murmur. "But I can't stay and help you anymore. I still have someone else I've gotta take care of." I ruffle his hair as he shifts his weight off of me and onto his own feet, growing stronger and stronger with each sip of the Elixir.
"Someone at this Castle?" He asks. I shrug.
"Take the card, kid. Unless you're going to heed my advice and get the hell outta dodge." I say, hopeful, but I know Sora and all of my taunting has done nothing but convince him further to chase down Naminé. He shakes his head.
"I've got to make it to Naminé, Rueki." He tells me. "She needs me. I mean have you met that Larxene girl? I've gotta get Naminé away from people like her."
"You're not wrong." I snort. "But you've gotta take care of yourself. The others you'll fight on the way won't be nearly as nice as me."
"When you're done helping that person your care about, you can get away, Rueki. You can come with us. You even said it yourself, third time is the charm!" He tries. I smile, softly.
"Make it to the top floor, alright? You get that far and we'll make it happen."
I tuck the card into his pocket and disappear into the still open portal.
To my surprise, it spits me out in the main room, the one we've all been spending time in. Naminé sits, clenching a pencil in her hand so tight that her already pale knuckles have gone so white. She looks at me with wide eyes and parted lips. Larxene stands behind her, a devilish smirk on her lips. I'm thankful Marluxia isn't here, but I doubt he's far behind. Axel isn't here either, though I'm sure that's on purpose, after how we parted ways.
"Wow, Rueki, I'm surprised." She leers. "Way to go psycho, I didn't know you had it in you."
"I'm not in the fucking mood, Larxene." I growl, eyes hard. But there's a spark in hers as she moves closer to me.
"You know, it's a shame Axel made it his 'condition' on joining us, that we don't recruit you, I underestimated you." She says, fingertips brushing past Naminé's chair. I'm tired, I'm broken down, I am emotionally taxed beyond all compare, let the bitch try me, because I know her kind words have a bite to them. And then there's the thing about Axel. She's baiting me.
"What about Axel?" And I take the bait. She cackles, throwing her head back.
"Marluxia and I really wanted you on our side, all we want is to take down Xemnas and get our hearts back, our own way. He thought you'd be sympathetic, but your little boyfriend forgot that he doesn't have a heart. He was just so worried, he made a bargain. He'd be Marluxia's attack dog, in exchange to keep you out of it." She tells me. "Does it feel good? Knowing that anything that happens to him is entirely on you?"
"Fuck you. Axel's a big boy, he does what he wants." I sneer.
"Right, like leave your pathetic ass behind." Larxene laughs. "Funny, I don't think he'll have that much of a heart when it comes down to leaving you to rot in this castle."
"I said I'm not in the fucking mood." I tell her, but she just gets closer to me until she stands merely inches from me, several inches taller, looking down her nose at me.
"Oh, Rueki, I don't care about that. I just wanna know if you think your little boyfriend will be so very forgiving when he knows that you tried to help Sora? Or worse, what Marluxia will do to him to punish you. Maybe I should just start the torture myself." She grins and I reach across and slap the smile off of her perfect, porcelain face.
Her eyes go wide, her jaw drops. She brings a gloved hand up to touch the fair skin of her cheek and suddenly, a storm begins in her eyes.
"You useless little slut." She weaves a hand into my hair and slams me to the ground, mashing my cheek against the floor. "Did you honestly think you could get away with that?"
"I honestly think no one in this castle would give a fuck what I had to say to you. You mean nothing to anyone." I hiss, even as she mashes my face into the floor.
"Stupid girl." She removes her hand from my hair to stand tall and kick me in the stomach. The point of her boot sends a shockwave of pain through me and on my side, I double over, covering my midsection with my arms. "No one here has a heart, if you think they care any more for you than they do for me, you're delusional." And she's right. As much as I want him to, as much as I think he wants to, Axel is incapable of caring for me. "You're nothing!"
"And you're just a Nobody." She kicks me again, this time in the face. I grunt, rubbing my cheek.
"Stop it, please." Naminé breathes from behind us. Larxene turns to look at her with a death glare as I stand up.
"Shut your mouth, witch! This is between me, and Axel's little puppet." She turns back to me and leans over so that we are nose to nose. "That's all you are, you know that right? Just a dumb bitch, animated by the strings of a man who can never love her." She makes a gesture, pretending to animate a marionette.
"Oh man, too bad I've already come to terms with my demons. Maybe you should return to bullying children, since they're the only ones you think you can dominate. Really takes a lot of skill to call fourteen year olds names." I say. Larxene laughs.
"Because you're so much better?" She asks me. I smirk a little.
"No, I'm not. I'm probably much worse than you. Because for as mean as you are, at least you have an excuse. Me? I'm just the bitch who can't wait until Sora smashes that Keyblade into your fucking skull." I don't mean it, really, I just want so bad to get under her skin. Before I have time to react, I am hit by a bolt of lightning and my body seizes. My muscles lock up and then twitch violently, jerking as I hit the floor. The pain makes my vision go white but even through this, I feel her boot make contact with my abdomen. I cry out.
"I said stop!" Naminé's voice, a little louder this time.
"And I told you to shut your mouth, or I'll shut it for you." Larxene snaps at her. I regain my vision just long enough to see Naminé flick her wrist and beneath Larxene, a portal to darkness opens. Larxene shrieks as she falls through, to Twilight knows where, and Naminé instantly closes it up, eyes wide and horrified.
"Holy shit." I murmur.
"Are you okay?" She runs over to me and crouches down. I laugh. It hurts.
"Um yeah, I just don't think I can move. That was a hell of a thunder spell she sent at me." I say. "When did you grow a pair, kiddo?" I ask. She smiles softly, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"You inspired me. Do you have any potions?" She asks.
"Yeah, the big pocket on my belt." I say. She rummages through and opens up a bottle and all I can do is part my lips while she pours some into my mouth. My fingers twitch with renewed life and I am able to bring myself to sit up and drink the rest, taking it out of her hands. "What do you mean I inspired you?"
"I…I didn't like when Larxene called you a puppet. You have a heart, I've seen how it works, I know exactly how every link is connected, and yes, Axel is ruling your decisions, but only because you choose to put him first. You are the only one with power over yourself, Rueki." She tells me and it dawns on me how incredibly right she is. "You were so mad at Sora because you felt like you had no control. I've felt that way too. Since the day I came into being. I didn't ask to be born incomplete, I didn't ask to fall into Organization XIII's control. I didn't even ask for these powers that I have, but I felt weak. Helpless. How could I stand up to thirteen other Nobodies? So that anger turned into sadness. Or at least, the memory of it. I suppose someone without a heart shouldn't be pretending to feel sadness." She smiles softly.
"Naminé…" I try but she shakes her head.
"You haven't been a puppet, but I truly have been. This entire time. You chose to save Sora. I wish I was that brave, I wish I could be. The very least I could do was save you." She says. Her words weigh heavy on my heart and I reach out to grab her hand.
"I like you a lot better when you're not crying." I tell her. She laughs, and it is a light sound, like the twinkling of a music box.
"Yes, I'm sure." She nods.
"When this all ends, Axel's gonna send me to another world, you should come with me. Get away from all these assholes. Hell, maybe even tag along with Sora." I try, but her face turns grim, instantly.
"Oh, Rueki. That sounds so nice. But I can't. This doesn't end the same way for you as it does for me." Her eyes hit the ground and I release her hand, frowning.
"You don't know that, Axel has a plan." I insist. She meets me with a soft, sad smile.
"I know." She nods. "I wish I could tell you I've seen into his heart and he cares about you."
"But you can't, cuz he doesn't. It's okay, kid." I tell her. "Hey, can you do me one more favor and open up a portal to the basement? I'm supposed to go spend some time with Zexion?" It comes out as more of a question than a statement, and she cocks her head to the side, clearly confused. I just shrug, but that does not soften the crease of her brow.
"Of course." She waves her hand again and a portal opens in front of me. I take a step to it before turning back to her.
"Do you want me to stick around? I'm sure when Larxene gets back she'll be pissed." I say, though the thought sounds unappealing, even after I've downed a potion.
"No, she won't lay a finger on me. Marluxia won't allow it." She smiles mischievously, and then. "Good luck, Rueki. Please be safe."
I have a feeling that I'm going to need it.