XVIII.
We wake up in the Scramble again, day 3, and this time, when I wake, Axel is in an animated conversation with Neku and Shiki. I guess I'm thankful. At least with them here, there's a buffer. At least with them here, I'm reminded to cooperate, however begrudgingly, with Axel. Neku may have a shit approach, but he was right. If it's life or death, Axel did keep me alive. That is the truth. Whether he had unsavory motivations behind it or not is besides the point. Right now, the only thing that matters is playing this game to completion and making it out alive. I'm still allowed to hate him when I'm safely in a different world.
"Oh, you're up!" Shiki chirps as I make my way over to the group. "We still haven't gotten mission mail yet."
"Shiki wants to go shopping, you should go with her." Axel says with the wave of his hand.
"Not that I'm casting aside a chance at getting away from you, but was it not just established yesterday that I'm not allowed to be without my partner? I'd really rather not get lectured by teenagers again." I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. Neku rolls his eyes.
"Right, sorry for helping." He mutters, barely audible.
"You are such a turd." I tell him. He just looks at me like 'why are you talking?'.
"What they're trying to do is get out of going themselves. But Axel was just saying Mr. H already told you guys that trends influence Shibuya. What's popular in the RG determines the strength of our pins in the UG, so even if our pins aren't trending, we can still compensate by buying the right clothes!" Shiki insists. "And I mean come on, who doesn't love shopping?"
"You're really living for this." I catch myself smiling a bit.
"I wanna be a designer, of course I'm living for fashion." She beams. "And you're in a better mood."
"I so don't need to be a part of this." Neku shakes his head.
Suddenly our phones chime and Shiki pouts.
"Guess shopping will have to wait for another day, princess." Axel tells her.
'KHDUDCM
Q
.029m
ZmVl
U=Cups
Four Leaf Clover
100 mins
Incompletes will be erased'
A timer is branded into my hand, today it doesn't bite nearly as much, probably because I expect it. But this mission is….
"What the real life fuck." Neku mutters.
"Kid, you took the words right out of my mouth." Axel replies.
"Ugh, seriously, why do none of these missions make sense?" Shiki stomps her foot. She seems to hold her breath for a moment, rubbing the back of her neck, staring at a picture on her phone for a minute. Just as quickly as she got upset, she bounces back like a rubber ball, a smile lighting her pretty face. "Okay, we can do this. But um, where do we even start?"
"Well we can move the decimal back, so now we're looking at 29m, not .0029." I say. She and Axel look at me like I've grown a second head.
"Okay, I'll bite. Why?" Axel sighs.
"If you really trusted me, you wouldn't ask why." I toss my ponytail smugly over my shoulder, quite satisfied at having thrown his own words back at him.
"Um, Rueki, I'd like to know why, too." Shiki says, lacing her fingers together.
"KHDUDCM, is the conversion chart for units of measurement, 'm' being milli, being the smallest unit of measurement. Move the decimal back to 'u', or cups, and you get 29 m." I explain. "Though that really doesn't make anything clearer."
"Why are you focusing on a bunch of jumbled numbers and letters when we've been left an obvious clue?" Neku asks, tilting his hand upward in a half shrug. "Cups. There aren't too many landmarks in Shibuya related to cups."
To be honest, it's not a bad guess, and he and Shiki figured out yesterday's mission when my best ideas couldn't. He's got experience, smarmy kid or not, I trust his opinion more than I do my own partner's. My eyes dart to Axel's assessing his expression, which is carefully neutral, mood concealed beneath vibrant green eyes. I didn't realize my heart could hurt any more than it already did. Maybe I'm not really putting my survival first. Maybe I just hurt too much and am too tired to fight with him. Maybe there is a part of me that still wants everything to be okay.
Apparently I have turned into a sap.
"Okay, kid, I'm game." I say.
"Really?" Axel raises an eyebrow, arms crossed to his chest.
"Sure, he and Shiki seem to know what's up. Why not?" I shrug. He doesn't say another word and that bothers me more than anything else in the world. I want to close the distance between us, grab him by the edges of his hood and demand that he say something to me. But I don't want to scream anymore, and forgiving him would land me right back at square one. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
"Well cups, you could go Ramen Don, or that Shadow Ramen place that went under a few months ago, any restaurant really…" Shiki taps her chin.
"Or Wildkat." Neku offers.
"Neku, that's a genius idea! And even if the mission is not on Cat Street, we can at least get Mr. H's input!" Shiki claps her hands together, so enthused that I don't think Neku actually buys her enjoyment, but he goes along with it, a small smile gracing his features. He's silent for a long moment and I can't really tell what's going on in his mind, but I'll give the kid this, he's bright.
"What does he have to do with a Wildkat or Cat Street?" I ask.
"You mean he didn't tell you? Mr. H owns a coffee shop on Cat Street called Wildkat." Shiki says.
"I'm surprised he didn't mention it, he tried really hard to sell us on it." Neku confesses. Cups of coffee, sure, I guess that would work. Anything to get out of this mess a little faster works in my book.
"Well, lead the way." Axel says with the flourish of his hand. Shiki nods, enthusiastically, seemingly genuinely happy to be able to help and it's…nice to watch. And I'm envious, if I have to be honest, which I suppose I owe to myself.
I'm mad at Axel, of course I am, but at the end of it all I am so utterly betrayed, distraught and devastated because there was still a part of me that truly believed that even though he doesn't have a heart, we could still make it out just fine. I'm shattered, because even before all of this, even before the whole 'trust your partner to stay alive' nonsense, I thought he was my partner and I did trust him, wholeheartedly. Maybe I'm pissed that I chose to end a life, even though I thought I had a good reason, and I needed to blame him because I found out my reasoning wasn't even all that great. Maybe I'm repressing everything and the backlash is just hitting him. I am so thankful that I do not dream when the GM ends the day, because I don't want to know what is lurking in the darkest corners of my brain, but I fear it's Axel with a knife to my back.
And more to the point, despite all of that, I just want a release. To take everything that I carry on my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. And maybe I could if I wasn't such a rotten person, holding onto these things, letting them stick to me as though I am made of glue. I just want to smile like Shiki does, to be so full of smiles and genuine goodness and bounce with every step I take. If I had the choice at a do-over, I'd let Naminé strip my memories clean, make me a blank slate, a doll. I don't need any of them if it's going to mean I have to feel like this.
The four of us take off past a series of department stores and make our way to yet another shopping center. This one is more spacious, with more road to walk in, though it doesn't make the RG any less crowded. I am annoyed that Axel's brain seems to be functioning on the same wavelength as mine.
"Jeez, is it always this crowded here?" He asks, rubbing the back of his neck.
"You think this is bad, you should go inside Ten-Four. There's not even enough room to move your elbows." Neku grumbles.
"That's one of my favorite things about Shibuya, though, there's so much going on, not to mention it's like a living organism, breathing art, music and fashion into the rest of the world." Shiki insists.
"It'd be easy to lose yourself in." I nod, and if I'm being honest, that's all I want to do right now. Disappear into the crowd and never resurface. I feel Axel's hand wrap around my arm and my heart leaps into my throat as I jerk it away. He heaves a sigh and rolls his eyes, his arms instantly crossing to his chest as though he never reached out to me in the first place.
We continue, past a giant tower of a record store, an underpass and jeez, I am straight up out of breath, this GM conjured the mission from hell, sending us half way across town.
"Teleporting is so much easier." Axel huffs and dammit, why is he on the same page in my head that I'm on? Are we that fucking alike?
…Are we too alike?
"Is the GM this big of an asshole all the time?" I ask and Neku literally snorts.
"He's the worst." Neku concurs.
"I wish I paid more attention in Algebra." Shiki confesses. "Everything is an equation, all the time, it's like it's not even written for any normal person to understand."
"I mean, I was just referring to all this running." I say.
"Guess your old age is getting to you." I'm surprised to see Neku staring off into the clouds, inconspicuously, a smirk touching just the corner of his lips. Little asshole. Axel barks out a laugh and I turn to him and glare.
"Hey, if you're gonna be pissed at me, I'm gonna reap the benefits, sweetheart." He replies with a shrug. I kind of hate that I love how perfectly at ease he is.
"Anyhow. Any great idea what 'four leaf clover' means?" I ask.
"I don't actually know." Shiki tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "But I'm sure we'll be able to figure it out when we get to Cat Street!"
"If the mission means Cat Street." Axel reminds her.
We go through a park and then, we're at Cat Street, and tucked at the edge of the street, I see a little café. Must be Sanae Hanekoma's shop. Something stands out though, in the middle of this quaint little area, much quieter than anywhere else in Shibuya, is a sculpture about as tall as a building made of…
"Trash?" I raise an eyebrow.
"The Grim Heaper." Neku mutters.
"The GM has been known to make things like that… and then hide in them." Shiki chews her lip. Bravely, Axel walks over to it.
"I dunno, this one looks pretty deserted." Axel replies.
"Guess we got lucky." Neku says.
I tap my player pin and suddenly, I see a cluster of four Noise.
"Four leaf clover maybe referring to this nightmare." I say and suddenly, I feel Neku, Shiki and Axel all present with me.
"Look again." Neku says. I turn and realize that this is one of four clusters. Fuck me.
"So what are we thinking? You and Shiki take on two, Rueks and I go after the other two?" Axel asks.
"You think the two of you can cooperate?" Neku mutters and I hear the unspoken question: or are you just going to get in our way?
He's not wrong for thinking it, and to be honest, were the roles reversed I would've said the same thing.
"Yeah, we're good." I say, and there's a weight to my words, because we are, as a matter of fact, not good. But maybe we can…? I don't know? Talk about it? That might be too much to hope for, especially with these kids in tow, but maybe I can try to be better than I am? Maybe I can't forgive, but I'm damn good at repressing the things I don't like, so why not this too?
I feel Shiki and Neku's presence disappear into the realm of combat, and it's just Axel and I now. I linger, wanting to say everything and nothing all at once.
"Rueki…" He starts.
"Can we…later?" And of course, he knows exactly what I mean.
"Yeah." He agrees. "You really want to?"
"Well it'll either be the key to keeping us alive or we'll kill each other." And if he's going to be the death of me, I don't think I'd mind going that way.
I am so fucking weak.
I feel Axel linking the first group of four together and we're suddenly in the realm of combat. Two frogs and three vultures. Mother fuckers.
I take off, charging at a frog. I jab my claw into it and then, using its own tricks against it, I leap onto its head, jumping off, and latching onto a vulture. It caws angrily, flapping its wings as I hold onto its neck with both arms, trying to get myself up onto it's back. It jerks me back and forth, diving down, unlike the Heartless, the Noise are actually intelligent, not purely creatures left to their own instincts. Instead of crashing into another vulture to try to get away from me, it swan dives into the ground. I see stars, but so does the Noise and I'm allowed a moments reprieve to snatch at its feathers and yank it back by the top of its head. Wheeling it around, I slash at its neck and it disappears. I see Axel has made quick work of the frogs as another vulture comes sailing at me. I deliver a well placed kick to the beak and then slash once, twice, three times at it, and it disappears. One more left, I sprint at it, only to have it disappear before I can hit it.
Maybe I do need to do a better job of trusting Axel to get shit done. Maybe he was right to accuse me of being distant and suspicious.
Five more frogs appear and this time one comes leaping straight at me. It knocks me back into another and I grunt, jabbing my elbow into the frog I landed on before turning over and stabbing its head with my claw. It disintegrates and I narrow my eyes at the first fucker who jumped off of me, my new mortal enemy. Ignoring the other three, I head toward this one, jamming two Accuracy Spheres into Survivor, I raise my arm, channeling the energy, and really, it's stupid and destructive to use Alchemy this early into one of two long battles, it's gonna wipe me pit pretty good, but this thing and I are not friends. And I am nothing if not petty. When my energy comes to a head, I aim at the Noise and fire off a Cluster Bomb, which completely blows away my enemy and the remaining Noise on the field.
Maybe my own selfishness constantly gets in the way, maybe I really do think my plans are better than everyone else's which is why I couldn't see any good in Axel's, because the way he does things is definitely not the way I would do things. But if he was honest in saying his only goal was to keep me alive, then how can I fault him and insist he wasn't successful?
A vulture and a porcupine appear and just as fast as they are on the field, the porcupine's quills blast into the air and land on the ground, blinking and beeping. I know what that means. I leap and land on the vulture's back, just in time to miss the detonation of the explosive quills. I'll let my own porcupine headed pyro deal with that, I'll deal with the stupid vulture that let me get the upper hand. Just like the first one, I yank its head back and slit its throat, falling to the ground and landing on my ass. The porcupine is still standing, but between my fall and an excessive use of my own energy, I feel like hell. I knock back a potion and rise to my feet, feeling infinitely better as I stand. By time I'm on my feet, Axel has already gotten rid of the porcupine.
Maybe I'm right to be mad at him, but maybe that's on me and not on him. Maybe he didn't act like a hero, but he's told me from the very beginning that he isn't one. Maybe he did what he did and damn the moral repercussions that he won't feel. Maybe I was Icarus, and what could I expect when I got too close to the sun?
Three vultures and three frogs. I am so over vultures. I dash in on a frog and take it out with a few hits before jumping off of another and back flipping towards a vulture. Instead of climbing onto it's back, I use the momentum of the flip to sink my claws into its head and it disappears. I hit the ground on my feet this time, heart hammering in my chest. I need a nap. Or like ten.
The other two frogs are gone, I notice as I dig around my pocket, wishing I had another grenade. Instead, I take a lightning gem, the only one I have and throw it to the ground. The force didn't shatter it, but I stomp it with my foot and as it crumbles, lightning strikes both of the vultures. I'm going to assume that Axel delivers the final blow, because after a few seconds worth of delay, they disappear.
Maybe he took the road to hell, but maybe it was paved with good intentions. I don't need to absolve him of guilt, but I also don't need to watch him burn.
We come out of the realm, my heart hammering, him panting. Neku and Shiki aren't on Cat Street. They've either disappeared to the next set of battles or are still finishing up the first.
"You alright?" I ask Axel who nods.
"I'm taking a vacation after this." He rolls his shoulders back. I grin.
"Sounds good to me." I realize the implications of my words and wince. I'm so predictable, this is such shit. I should know better by now, even a dog learns not to shit on the carpet after you rub their nose in it.
"What're you getting at, sweetheart?" He cocks his head to the side. I stride over to him and fish two potions out of my pocket. I hand one to him.
"Nothing, just force of habit." And it's going to have to be nothing, because trusting my partner or not, I can't forgive him. We knock back our potions.
"You're different today." He tells me.
"So are you." I say.
"I guess so." He shrugs. "It sucks going the distance for someone and watching them shit all over it."
"It sucks telling someone you love them and having them show you that they don't respect you." I counter.
"Did you say that because you meant it or did you say that to throw the fact that I can't feel in my face?" He asks.
"Touché." I sigh.
"We can't do this shit to each other." He tells me. "We'll never make it out alive if we keep getting mad over the past. It's done, we can't change it."
"You're right, much as it pains me to admit." I agree. "I wish I could forget it."
"Yeah. Sometimes the truth sucks." He shrugs.
"I still wish you would've told me." I sigh.
"Let's just make it out of here in one piece, okay sweetheart?" He claps a hand on my shoulder and I offer him a weak smile.
"Then what?" I ask.
"You're asking me?" He snorts.
"You always seem to have a plan. Even when mine is better. I can't deny that you're…effective." I admit, and he snorts out a laugh.
"I swear princess, your backhanded compliment game is quite strong." He ruffles my hair. "Let's fight some more battles and then, well, wherever we go from there is on you."
And I want to ask him if it's really that simple. It's not like he wasn't pissed at me, is he willing to forgive me just like that? And if so what does that say about me if I don't know if I can forgive him the same. The realization dawns on me that it requires a heart to hold a grudge, but then I begin to wonder: isn't a heart required to forgive?
I tap my player pin and we fight our next cluster, which goes, for the most part the same way that the first chain of battles went, but this time, when we emerge from the realm of combat, Neku and Shiki are wiping the sweat off their brows.
"Okay, how'd we do?" I look to the two of them and then down at my hand. After a second, the timer disappears off my palm and I grin. "Cups, not bad, kid."
"We've dealt with this GM before." Neku shrugs, completely unable to take a compliment, which mildly irks me, though I can't really say much.
"You guys made good timing too!" Shiki chirps. "Hey, while we're here, since the GM hasn't ended the day, why don't we stop in and see Mr. H? Get some coffee and a bite to eat?" She suggests.
"Yeah, I wouldn't mind talking to him again." Neku seems kind of bashful at this comment and I lift an eyebrow, but don't ask much more.
I steal a glance at Axel, because I really do just want to talk to him, to try and sort out not just our feelings toward each other but everything spiraling in my own head, because now that my initial rage has worn off, I'm beginning to doubt every bit of negativity I've ever thrown his way. I blame my stupid heart, but my stupid stomach is winning this battle.
"Food." Is my intelligent response and Axel tosses his head back, laughing. For the first time in a few days, the sound doesn't light me up with rage, but rather tickles my spirit in a way that is akin to the gentle flame of a candle.
"You heard the lady." He grins at me and for a moment, I stop to grin back. We still have four more days, we have time to figure this all out.
We make our way into the café which is exactly as tacky as I would expect of a guy who wears sandals and jeans, however, it all seems to come together perfectly. Signs decorate the walls with tasteless slogans 'Sorry, We're Open' and '100% Chance of Wine'. There is no wine on the menu. Instead, I contemplate what pumpkin soup might taste like as Neku walks over to the counter, hands in his pockets, Shiki at his side.
"Um, Mr. H?" She calls out, and from a door behind the counter, I see his head pop out.
"Shiki, Phones, how goes it." He grins at the two and fully removes himself from the back room, hands busy drying off a mug. "I see you brought Axel and Blondie with you, good deal, good deal."
Neku and I exchange a brief look.
"Does he not know our names?" I stage whisper to the kid who shrugs.
"It's a lost cause. Trust me." And I think I do. Whether he likes me or not, he reminds me a lot of a younger version of myself. Which, come to think about it, is probably a guarantee that he doesn't like me.
"Yeah, we just got through today's mission." Axel completely side steps mine and Neku's conversation to talk to Sanae.
"And I see you and Blondie aren't quite literally at each other's throats anymore. Finally learning the way of the World?" Sanae asks and I roll my eyes.
"I'm literally right here, you could talk about me like I'm in the room." I set a hand on my hip.
"Sorry, Blondie, you've gotta forgive a man for being afraid of getting his head bit off. For being so damn short, you pack a lotta firepower. Kinda like one of those yippy dogs." Sanae laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world and I contemplate sticking my head inside of a coffee pot.
"Can I just get some pumpkin soup?" I ask.
"Sure, in exchange for cash money." He grins and I blanche, because I realize there is a very good chance that he doesn't mean munny. "No need to fret, check your pocket, you should've earned some fighting Noise." And sure enough he is right. I fumble in my pocket and find coins of a strange currency, and I throw them on the counter, Sanae laughs and helps me sort them out.
"Whatcha want, Axel?" I ask, throwing a look at him over my shoulder. We all order and take seats at the bar type area right in front of the counter, taking a moment to breathe as Sanae prepares the food.
"Well, it's good to hear you kids are getting along good. What did old Pi Face give you guys as a mission today anyway?" Sanae asks, ladling soup into cups.
"Same shit message, different day." Neku shrugs.
"Literally the equation from hell." I agree, only to see Sanae shaking his head.
"You think that attitude is gonna help you get along any further, Phones? And you Blondie, having a chip on your shoulder hasn't done you well, has it?" He asks and I want to reach out and smack this nosey prick.
"We got through the mission, Shiki and I are doing what we can." Neku tries, in a tone that is a lot more eager to please than any tone he's ever spoken to me or Axel in before. "I know what we talked about last week, enjoy the moment, but we both just want to come back to life. Isn't that enough?" Neku asks and I nearly fall out of my chair.
"What the fuck do you mean come back to life?" I snap. Neku raises an eyebrow at me.
"Were your memories your entry fee or something?" He asks, and that is a loaded question, and really makes me think, but I remember what Sanae said about Axel and I having the best of both worlds and not needing to give an entry fee.
"Oh, you kids haven't talked about that yet?" Sanae rubs the back of his neck. "I thought that would come up?"
"Dude, Neku wasn't lying, we've literally all been so focused on getting through this." I insist.
"Surviving should enhance who you are, not inhibit it." Sanae shrugs. "Sounds like the lot of you still have a lot more to learn." He serves up our soups and leans over the counter. "The Reaper's Game is something the dead can opt into, a chance to come back to life. Phones, Shiki, your friends here aren't exactly from this world, let alone this realm. They got here on accident and not in the traditional method. These two are as alive as anyone can be, hence the loophole to your penalty: all other players being eliminated." I look at Neku and Shiki with my jaw dropped, pumpkin soup all but forgotten, and just when I think Axel probably has the same expression, I turn to see him with a pensive look on his face.
"That actually makes sense. Shibuya's kind of always been a no-no when it comes to traversing through darkness. I just kind of assumed it was another thing we weren't supposed to do as Nobodies so that we didn't interrupt a world that hadn't been taken by darkness yet. Opening up a portal that doesn't lead to a Heartless attack takes a hell of a lot of finesse. Fortunately for me, I've got the magic touch and being that Rueks over here wasn't going to be summoning darkness any time in the near future, I thought we were in the clear." Axel says. "But it's more than just us interfering, it's us getting sucked in, especially if through darkness we can only appear in the UG. I wouldn't want to be on a solo mission here."
"Bingo." Sanae says, with the wave of his hand.
"Wait, what do you mean traveling by darkness?" Shiki makes a face.
"Axel doesn't have a heart. I thought I already mentioned that." And I feel kind of dirty announcing his business to everyone. I look to him and mutter an apology. He stares at me with a completely unreadable expression, which drives me absolutely bonkers.
"What?" Shiki gasps, and this time she is the one nearly falling out of her chair.
"He would be dead without a heart." Neku points out, face never showing any expression but mild irritation.
"You're looking at things too cynically Phones, too literally. There's a different way someone can be without a heart." Sanae explains. Axel offers a weak smile as I take a bite of my soup.
"I'm gonna get some air, it's a thousand degrees in here." Axel stands, stretching tall.
"Dude, we can talk about something else." I try and he just waves his hand.
"Nah, it's not that. Eat your soup, sweetheart." He says as he heads out the door. I shovel a few more scorching hot bites into my mouth before chasing him outside.
"Axel…" I start, seeing him standing just outside the shop, looking out at the sky. It's orange with the day close to ending, I am sure and it reminds me so much of Twilight Town. What I wouldn't give to be there right now, at least if we were there I could get some distance from him, sort out what's going on inside my heart instead of having this constant contact and confusion.
"It not exactly my idea of a great time, not having a heart, you know." He mutters and I nod.
"Yeah, I do." And it sucks for me too, because someone with a heart wouldn't have taken the same actions Axel did and we wouldn't be in this predicament. We might actually be happy.
"Then why the fuck does it need to be tossed around like it's nothing, Rueki?" He turns to me and I find myself backing into the window of the café. For the first time, I don't fire back at him, for the first time, I am afraid.
"I didn't mean to." My voice is barely above a whisper.
"It's just…I don't know if what the hell I'm doing is right anymore." He shakes his head. "But I did all of it for you. If you don't appreciate it, fine, don't. But if you don't think I want to feel the same way you do…I know you said you're too tired to fight but the underhanded shit doesn't help, whether you mean it or not, it's always there, Rueki. I don't want to hear you tell me you love me again so that you can act like it makes you better than me, because you have the heart to feel all of these pretty, pretty feelings and I just don't. I didn't ask for any of this."
"I know." I say, voice finding more strength. "I didn't say that you did."
"But I still don't even know how to… I haven't had a heart for over a decade. I don't even know how to process why you're so mad at me and resent me so much when I tried so fucking hard to…" Words have failed him, his shoulders deflate as he heaves a sigh.
"You wanna know what I'm feeling? You wanna know why I'm not happy with you?" I ask as he crosses his arms, ready for the onslaught. "I feel so used up, Axel. I feel like you were in this to fuck me and to do your dirty laundry for you. And to know that you did all of this for Saix? That makes it even worse, because he very obviously cannot stand me, and now I'm left wondering: Was anything you said to me real? Was my past just a story you made up? Did Zexion ever think that you were a traitor? Did I ever make you feel like there was something beating in your chest, even for a moment? I know you think I didn't trust you, but I gave you everything I had to offer. And you couldn't even give me the same, cuz if you did, you'd have trusted me enough to let me in on the secret." I sigh, leaning more defeatedly against the shop window.
He looks at me, arms still crossed, eyes softening ever so slightly as his brow knits together.
"Do you really think that little of me, Rueki? That I'd lie about your past or about what I…wanted to feel for you?" He struggles.
"Can you blame me?" I cock my head to the side. "I had to find out from Luxord that you didn't have a heart. I had to find out from Marluxia that half of what you said to me was a lie. How could I be expected to trust the other half?"
He crosses the distance between us and takes my face into his palm, swiping a thumb across my cheekbone, I wince.
"I don't know if I'm ready for…" But when he takes his hand away, I instantly grab it in mine and bring it back up to my face. He looks at me for a long moment before I throw my arms around his waist, pulling him in tight.
"I didn't mean to make you feel like any of that." He murmurs into my hair, hands rubbing my back.
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I voice my earlier thought. "But neither of us should have to burn. We're just too intense together, too much everything. I'm so sorry I had to be such a cunt."
"I don't hate that about you." He confesses, drawing away from me. "I mean, I got why you acted out, things like rage, Xemnas made sure we had memories of that feeling around, always. I guess I just forgot how people act when they're trying to pretend you didn't hurt them."
"Dear Twilight, Axel, of course you hurt me!" I exclaim. "I thought I was your partner! Even before all of this, you had everything I could give, I wasn't expecting for you to suddenly profess feelings for me, I just wanted the same gesture in return. We're both fucked up, I didn't need a miracle, I just needed you!"
"Then you've gotta learn to speak up, because…I can't guess these things. I never have any idea what you're going through, what you're feeling because I can't remember even half of the emotions you have. I told you, it took you showing up for me to start remembering what it was like to have a heart, but there are feelings I hadn't even felt before losing my heart, that are showing up all over your face and you expect me to get them, but I just can't. I was younger than Roxas when I lost my heart, I have spent so much time amongst the ranks of those who are even colder than I could ever be, you have no idea how many times I've been given shit about how weak I am for 'not being able to tolerate the emptiness'. I can't be okay with it, alright? That's why I need you to guide me, because I have no idea what the hell direction I'm going in. Saix's plan sounded good, he's always been someone I could get behind, he was my friend, but he doesn't get it either. You are quite literally my foil, sweetheart. We clash and you illuminate all of these things I didn't even know about myself." He shakes his head. "And I swear, I wasn't trying to use you, but Rueks, you're a terrible liar. Absolutely everyone in that castle had to believe I was acting without any accomplices, otherwise you would've been plucked off and used against me."
"But why couldn't I have known what your plan was?" I ask. "At the risk of sounding campy as all hell, imagine what we could've actually accomplished if the two of us had worked together."
"Because sometimes it's not about progress, got it memorized? Sometimes it's about making it out of the tunnel. I got rid of the traitors because Xemnas wanted me to, I got rid of Vexen because Saix wanted me to, Lexaeus was just luck and Zexion… I'm sorry I did that to you, Rueki, I am, but the ends justified the means in my mind and…" He runs a hand back through his hair. "I don't process the reaction like you do, I don't feel the guilt like you do. I saw the end result in my mind, me getting my heart back, us getting a fair shot at things and I took it. I followed every order, did everything everyone else wanted me to. But at the end of it all, the only thing I wanted was to keep you alive."
"Axel…" I breathe his name and it feels so right, the way it hangs in the air, the way it sits on my lips, the way it feels inside my mouth.
"You factoring hectopascals are so zetta slow." Axel and I make quick eye contact only to turn to look behind us.
"Was that even…a language?" Axel asks.
"Heh, you braindead binomials could barely figure out a simple conversion!" I can't quite tell where the voice is coming from for a moment but then I realize, it is radiating from the trash sculpture we saw on the way in.
"You've got to be kidding me." I mutter. "This better be good." I roll the sleeves of my shirt up and stomp toward the sculpture.
"Rueks…" Axel begins.
"Fuckface can't challenge us until Day 7, this is only Day 3." I remind Axel. "You're the GM, right?"
"Correct." A man with deep skin, golden eyes and grey (?), yep, grey hair leers down from the top of the sculpture. He crouches down onto his haunches and from behind his back, pulls out a sky blue megaphone.
"An improper fraction, huh? You're not the digits I was looking for. I was hoping for a simple reduction, but you'll have to do." He announces.
"Fuck you, we'll divide you by zero." If he's gonna throw math insults around, I'm not a complete moron, I can throw some around too.
"After we get out of this, I'm not even adding two and two together, ever again." Axel sighs. "What a pain in the ass."
"What are you?" The GM regards Axel with a quirked eyebrow, and once again, I wonder how he is sensing that Axel is anything other than human. "What are you both? This is improbable…" He says more to himself. He's referring to the fact that we're not dead, I am certain, but I am beyond irritated that he's talking just to hear his own voice.
If Uzuki is this world's Larxene, this guy, the GM could be Marluxia.
"We are literally right here, we can hear you talking." I remind him. I catch Axel smirking, but his words tell a different story.
"Sweetheart, that mouth of yours is gonna be the death of us." I want to crawl inside the upturned quirk of his lips and die there.
"Ha, you n factorials think you're of 0 importance? You're out of your vector." The GM laughs. "Prepare to simplify your own equations!"
And I'm not prepared for what hits us.
Without our consent, we are transported into the realm of combat, and though I can feel Axel beside me, I really wish I could see him right now, because this lack of control is freaking me the hell out. A familiar face would do wonders. I know what to expect, Noise, what I don't expect is a black and white Kangaroo. But we've faced Frogs and Pigs and Vultures and Porcupines, why not Kangaroos, I guess. I charge in with Survivor, prepared to take the upper hand and hit this thing before it hits me, but this Kangaroo moves at light speed and leaps into the air before I can barely close any distance on it. I look around, up into the sky, waiting for it to come back down from this impossible height.
I should've been looking at the ground.
It is too late by time I do.
I realize that I am standing on a target and before I can move, the Kangaroo comes crashing back to the ground, knocking me back an absurd distance. This hurts. The Noise have landed blows before on me, but nothing that smarts like this. I rise to my feet as it stands there idly. I take off, past it, trying to escape the realm, but I can feel the forcefield pushing me back in and I curse.
"Fuck." I hiss. No chance of making it out of this one easily, thanks to Math For Brains, lucky for me, I can take a hit.
But I know, I'm going to need something that takes out this thing, and fast. Charging at it with slashes is too risky. From my pocket, I fish out a Shadow Gem and that ratchet Bomb Core that I found on the first day. I load the two of them into Survivor as the Kangaroo leaps into the air. I look down at my feet and instantly a target appears below them. I feel the energy drain out of my body and move into Survivor. This one might very well hurt me as much as it hurts the Kangaroo. I dash, right as I see the Kangaroo come down and as it hits the ground, I launch a Nega Burst at it.
I scan it's HP and my stomach drops.
That should've take out ¾ of its health, not ¼. As quick as it was hit, it leaps into the air again. I bite off the cap of a Potion and knock it back, barely making it out of the way in time. I feel the reverberations of some of the impact as the Noise hits the ground.
Okay, okay, let's try this again. I know I've got another Shadow Gem and a piece of a map, I can make another Nega Burst and just hit it again, keep plucking away. I load the two items into Survivor while, to my surprise, the Kangroo stands idly still. I crank my arm back to fire the Nega Burst and this time, it literally knocks me on my ass, my frame unable to take two explosive hits, even with the aid of the Potion. From on the ground I scan again and want to scream. This time, only 1/8 got taken out.
"Fuck!" I shout. I don't have time to take another Potion before it leaps into the air. I fumble, searching for something, though I feel the target beneath me. I try to force myself to my feet, legs wobbling and try as I may, my attempts are futile. The Kangaroo comes crashing down and knocks me back. My heart hammers in my chest as I lay on the street. This is not going to be how I die, jumped on by a fucking Kangaroo. It suddenly dawns on me that not only would I die, that Axel would too, and if I thought my stomach was already in knots, I am dead wrong.
It bothers me, the thought of a world without him. No matter what I said, no matter how I felt. I wasn't given time to cool off, to be angry, to feel my feelings. I see the Kangaroo over me again and barely roll out of the way as it collides with the pavement. Lying down, I pound a potion, and although I only feel half alive, I suppose that is better than half dead. I stand, fumbling in my pocket to find Dark Matter, I load that into Survivor and search for something, anything to make—
Another Dark Matter, that'll do.
This one might very well kill me if I'm not able to heal before the Noise recovers.
I load up the second Dark Matter, and with everything left inside me, I draw back my fist and launch a Sunburst.
The entire area goes white, blinding me with the light and I have to hide my face in the crook of my arm, even as I fall to the ground.
When the whiteness fades, the Kangaroo still stands and I know I am going to die.
It goes to hop into the air, but before it does, it twitches. Shakes and sputters and disappears.
Axel and I are back on Cat Street, me still on my ass, looking up at him, barely breathing. He is quite literally dripping sweat. The GM is nowhere to be found.
"Taboo Noise?" Because from what Sanae said, it's the only thing that might make sense, attacking us unprovoked.
"I dunno, Rueks." Axel says. "But let's hope we never run into anything else like it."