XX.
I am in hell.
Everything around me is on fire and my lungs are burning. I hear Axel's voice, how appropriate.
"You've got to do something!"
For a second, I think he's talking to me and I go to tell him that I'm trying, but someone else's voice responds.
"I'm doing all I can for her, blondie's gotta pull through this on her own." I recognize the voice, but despite the fire, everything is dark, and I cannot make out nor bother to remember who the voice belongs to. I'm tired, and the scorching inside of me has made my limbs feel beyond heavy. I want to relax into it, to curl up into the warmth.
"Dammit." Axel curses. Dammit is right. I wonder if this hell will be similar to the one Zexion created for me, with Axel there to taunt me.
"I've never mended anyone quite like this before." The first voice says
"I'm sorry." Axel whispers, though to me or the voice, I do not know.
"Did you know?" The voice asks.
"Yeah." Axel sighs. "I mean, I speculated, I wasn't sure, I couldn't be. But the second she pushed me aside, I knew."
"And you didn't say a thing to her?" The voice asks, with contempt.
"I wasn't sure, not completely, I've been wondering though, since realizing where I knew her from, what happened that night." Axel sighs. "But you knew." It's more a statement than a question. "Why wouldn't you say anything to me? To her?"
"Wasn't my place." The first voice decides. "You're her partner. She was angry at you, sure, but you've gotta trust you partner. Goes both ways, if you're not giving her anything to trust, what makes you think she's gonna start?"
"I just…" Axel groans. "I just wanted her to be safe. When we were kids and now."
"Well looks like she felt the same. Underneath it all, you two both already had what it took to make it through. You've both just gotta get past the nonsense you're telling yourselves and find a way to come together." The voice reminds him, and I barely process the words, but they are beautiful, and they are right and it's fitting that I don't realize the truth of them until I am here, rotting in hell.
"I really screwed things up." Axel sighs.
"Takes two to tango. Plus, it doesn't help anything, blaming yourself. Apologize to the girl, see where it gets you." The voice suggests, Axel snorts.
"If she makes it out alive."
"When," The voice corrects. "Don't underestimate me."
"My life was a hell of a lot less complicated without this woman, what has she done to me?" Axel asks, rhetorically.
"Would you have it any other way?" The voice asks.
"Nah." And I can hear the smile in his voice. "I just wish…you know, I don't even care if she forgives me at this point. If she lives through this, I'll drop her off wherever she wants, wherever she'll be safe, and if she doesn't want to see me again, fine."
"And you'll be okay with that?" The voice asks.
"Doesn't really matter about me. No, she's gonna have to come first, just like she always does. Heh, it's probably a good thing I don't have a heart. She'd have me wrapped so tightly…" Axel snickers.
"Oh, she doesn't already?" The voice laughs.
"I guess you're right."
I fade gently into the blackness, wishing I could tell Axel that all has been forgiven before I die.
Del and I sit in the living room of the house that he and I used to share with Amaya. A fire is lit, I am wearing his jacket, we both have mugs of steaming tea at hand but I am cold to my core.
"Is this alright?" He asks, and I don't know what 'this' is referring to, but I know the unequivocal answer.
"No." I take a sip of the tea and am unsurprised to find it lukewarm.
"Has it ever been?" He asks, seemingly unaffected by my words. I know this isn't real, because the real Del would've thrown a fit about this, so predictable. So utterly, uninterestingly human.
"No." I reply. He nods at me. "What are we supposed to do?"
"Do you remember anything from before we found you?" He asks me suddenly and I narrow my eyes.
"No, I told you already." I remind him.
"Sure you do." He encourages, the nod of his head. His sandy hair suddenly grows longer and fairer, his features morphing into something softer, his body changing to that of a young girl in a white frock. Naminé is now sitting across from me and the room we're in has suddenly changed to my room in Castle Oblivion. We sit opposite each other on the bed, her eyes lit in a way I have never seen them before.
"I wish I could." I confess, and at this, she climbs up out of my bed and walks over to the closet door and knocks three times.
"Just because the room is sealed, doesn't mean there's not a way in." She informs me. "Sometimes you just need to know the password."
"We shouldn't go in there." I warn, because a deep dread overcomes me as she stands at the door. From nowhere, she pulls a key and unlocks the door. With the twist of her hand, she opens up the door and darkness spills out, in twists and tendrils, spreading up the walls, the carpet, across her. She turns to me, eyes wicked as she presses a finger to her lips and the darkness consumes her. I watch her body distort, horns forming, claws growing, her eyes become yellow as she takes on the shape of a Neo Shadow and clambers over to me, crawling in distorted, twitching movements across the floor. At a frightening speed, she climbs up onto my bed and shoves her face only inches from mine, neck reaching and stretching to unnatural lengths. I brace myself, crawling back and suddenly, the face of the Heartless turns into Zexion's.
"An absence of memory or amnesia in any form is not actually a trouble in one's mind, but in one's heart. Despite the many worlds I have been to, I have only found a few cases of amnesia, each of them caused by interaction with darkness. Darkness has a way of obscuring the heart, hiding the truth in the shadows, however the heart is resilient and can come back even from the depths of darkness. I have seen this time and time again. Once illuminated by the power of light, those suffering from memory loss are usually reunited with lost memories. However there are even fewer cases of amnesia, where the memories seem to live within a chamber of the heart that is completely blocked off. Guarded, by a darkness so deep that the owner cannot help but to surrender their heart. To this day, I have not seen anyone come back from such a deep darkness, however there is always hope, and I truly believe that with a blinding, powerful force of light, even these 'locked' memories can be accessed. Perhaps my experiments with the heart will prove fruitful in combating this amnesia." Zexion recites. "Tell me, Rueki, when was your heart touched by darkness?"
"It wasn't." I swear.
"Dying, crying, never trying, little girl that thinks she's flying." He sing-song's. "Purifying the uncomplying, light her up to catch her lying." He reaches out and wraps a hand around my throat, the darkness spreading from his fingertips, up into my hair, my eyes turn yellow, glowing in the dark as I gasp for air. "Do you really think you're so different? What if your fate is the same as the rest of ours?"
This time, I don't fade peacefully. I scream as the darkness consumes me.
I burst from sleep with absolutely zero grace, gasping for air as though I am being brought into the world for the very first time. The air feels too crisp, too clean, my limbs tingle ever so slightly, my face buzzes with a sensation I can only liken to drunkenness. Del and I once snuck out of the orphanage and threw fake ID's down onto the counter of a local liquor store, where a very bored looking twenty-something popped her bubblegum at us and didn't even look twice as she sold us fifths of cheap booze. We thought it would be cool to just get annihilated, to huddle up in coats under a bridge in town and drink and stare at the stars. He got sick in the nearly frozen river. I didn't but I remembered hating the fog that my brain disappeared into, the fact that my body felt numb and vibrating all at once. This doesn't feel too very different. Although my brain is not in a cloud, I do wonder which of my dreams were real and which were created entirely by my mind.
I'm in a room that isn't white but is instead splattered with greys, blues, browns, colors that shouldn't go together, in no exact pattern, but still somehow do. I'm in a twin sized bed, underneath an old, grey quilt, propped up against mountains of pillows. I hear the beeping of a machine and feel a cold sensation in the crease of my left elbow. I lift up the quilt with my right hand to see an IV stuck inside of my arm. I look up to see it connected to something, and for a moment, my stomach twists. Is that blood in the tube? But no, the color isn't right, it's almost a shining ruby with hot pink undertones and my eyes go wide.
"Elixir." I breathe. I didn't almost die, I did die.
Someone has brought me back from the dead. I don't know how it's possible, I've only heard in theory of Elixir being able to do this, and normally, I try not to mess with Elixir's unless absolutely necessary. They're powerful but sometimes too powerful and can make one feel like they're burning up, with the excessive speeding up of their metabolic rates and healing abilities. I am not burning up though, instead, I am quite comfortable, with the exception of the searing pain in my upper abdomen. Pushing the blankets down further, I realize that my shirt has been unzipped and that from my armpits to my belly button, I am covered in bandages. My hands slide gingerly down my torso and I pinch my eyes shut as I find a spot right around my ribs that seems to be the source of the pain. With great effort, I try to recall the events that transpired. It's tangled in with the strange dreams I had, but still, I press forward. We were supposed to go to Towa Records, Neku had a bad feeling, Axel and I fought and then…
The Shark.
And I pushed him out of the way.
Memories come flooding back and I gasp, loudly.
Suddenly, in a chair, half way across the room, I hear someone moving and my head whips up. Axel and I make eye contact. His eyes go wide as he blinks away the sleep I must've just sprung him from.
"Hey." My voice sounds weak and raspy, as though I have just inhaled smoke. His brain must be working faster than his body, because he literally leaps out of the chair and with all the grace of a newborn deer, he falls over himself, stumbling straight over to my bedside.
"You're awake." I can tell he is trying to tread lightly, because I see his hands start to twitch, as though he wants to reach out to me but is unsure of how I'll respond. Which is more than fair. For how I've treated him, for what we've done to each other. All under the guise of 'he's not my boyfriend, so I don't need to treat him as well as I should if we were together'. And I think to myself, maybe I didn't treat Del right either, maybe he was in the right, finding someone like Amaya that wouldn't act like such an asshole to him for the most selfish of reasons. I am lucky that Axel's even in the room with me now, instead of getting the hell out of dodge, I'm lucky he followed me into the portal to Shibuya. I am so lucky just to have him.
"I look like hell." Probably. He offers me a sideways grin.
"Well you came back from the dead, you get a free pass." He shrugs and I nod.
"Guess I should do it more often, I hate brushing my hair." I say and I watch that sideways grin grow into something real, something warm, something that lights me up from head to toe, like a fire on the coldest of nights.
This fire is not hellfire though. Just a glow.
"You know, I never thought anyone would make me say I was thankful for not having a heart, but you certainly are a cut about the rest, Rueks. If I had anything in here, I'd be in cardiac arrest." He informs me and I snort.
"You keep throwing around fancy words like that and I'm going to have to let you into my pants." I deadpan. With gentle, unsure movements, he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.
"Is that a threat?" He asks.
"More like a promise." I correct.
"Guess I better hold off until you're healed." He snickers. I look up at my IV and then back to him.
"Can you… I mean…would you get into bed with me?" I ask and I watch his entire being exhale a sigh of relief as he climbs over my legs and tucks himself into the space between me and the wall. Lucky for him, he's so damn skinny. He wraps an arm around me, I lean my head against his shoulder and I can tell it is taking everything he is not to tighten his hold on me and crush me to his chest. What the hell was I thinking, being okay with letting all of this go?
Once again, I am baffled by myself, by what he has done to me, by who he has turned me into. I believed a few days ago that he was only capable of bringing out the very worst in me. I blamed him for things he had no say in, I held things over his head that should've been let go of. Time and time again, I threw in his face all of the little details, when at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was the bigger picture. I was unaware just how much of a pinprick my vision had turned into, a tunnel of utter hatred, resentment, nitpicking and intolerance when all he had ever tried to do was keep me alive.
I swore up and down that the love I had for this man had been tainted by his wrongdoings. I swore that everything in Castle Oblivion was on him and not on me. Maybe I was just sick of being the bitch and needed someone else to fault for everything, maybe he got caught in the crosshairs. Or maybe he was right, telling me that I was selfish and condescending, that I couldn't see the good in anything unless it had been concocted in my own head. It doesn't matter though, who I was before, what I did. I'm not that person anymore. Not if I'm going to keep him. I don't want to lose sight of myself, not for a second, but I can bend. I can change and grow, be a better me, and if that better me is better for him, then wouldn't that just be the icing on top?
There are things in life that matter infinitely more than ego.
"What happened to me?" I ask, finally, breaking the silence that has abruptly become comfortable again.
"You pushed me out of the way of a Taboo Noise." I can hear the emotion weighing on his voice, and not for the first time, I wonder if he really does not have a heart. "It was meant to eliminate Neku and Shiki, but I ended up making it to Towa Records and clearing the mission first. It punctured your lung. Normally, Players just get erased, in the blink of an eye, but we're alive. Which means we can't get erased, we have to die first. And Rueki, I couldn't watch you die, not after…"
"After what?" I ask and he sighs, looking to me with an expression so transparent, I swear I can see straight through him.
"We've been through a hell of a lot." Axel sighs and I nod.
"I treated you like such shit." I chew my lip.
"I acted like you were at fault for having emotions." He reminds me. "And used them against you."
"Doesn't make up for the fact that I blamed you for not having emotions. Which is so dumb, I told myself a long time ago that at the end of the day your lack of heart really wasn't a deal breaker, but do you think I could be bothered to act like it?" I ask. "Nope, instead, you were right. I was selfish and condescending and threw my emotions in your face, dangling them over you, like I was better than you, every chance I got."
"When I said that, Rueki…I was talking out of my ass." He sighs. "You're not selfish or condescending. And as for the other stuff? Well, lucky for you it does actually take a heart to hold a grudge." He finally leans in and presses his lips gingerly against my temple. I melt, liquifying beneath his touch.
"It can't be that easy." I shake my head. "It never was with Del." Who is literally my only other experience with dating, ever.
"Well, ain't it neat that I'm not like other guys." He taps me on the nose with the hand that isn't gripping my shoulder and I bark out a laugh.
"Could you be any cheesier if you tried?" I ask.
"I dunno. I could tell you something like watching you die made me feel emptier than not having a heart ever has, and that if I did have a heart, it would be yours completely. And that I'm sorry that I used you, but I haven't had a heart in so long that I've lost sight of what it's like to hurt one, but that I never wanted to hurt you, even though I'm a jerk and an asshole. And that I can't promise that I'll never keep things from you if it means keeping you safe, but I can promise never to hide my plans or use you to do my bidding, because you're not a pawn in my game, you're the damn queen and I wish I would've told you this earlier." He says and I feel my heart still for a moment. "You know, if I were trying to be cheesier."
"Well," I say. "Then, I guess I would probably say something like I'm the one who should be sorry, because you may be a jerk and an asshole, but so am I and I think that's what makes us perfect for each other. And that I'm sorry that I couldn't just trust you and forgive you earlier, but I am headstrong as they come and while I won't change that, I can promise that if you give me a moment to cool down, I will always come back to you and forgive you if you can do the same for me. And that I'm sorry you had to watch me almost die, but I am incredibly selfish and there is no way I could watch you fade because I cannot live in a world where you don't exist."
As though I am a rag doll, he moves me, tilting my frame so that I am almost on my side, leaning my hands into his chest.
"It can't be that easy." He replies. I know he's teasing me.
"I guess it really can." I sigh. He leans into me, pressing his lips to mine, cradling my head in one of his hands as though I am made of glass and will shatter at any minute. "But we've gotta stop doing this shit to each other."
"Yeah, I think you might be right there, sweetheart. I'd rather not end up in this same situation again, if it's all the same to you." He says.
"I'm just…so embarrassed, like what the hell was I thinking?" I shake my head. "I thought I was at least a mildly reasonable person, but then you come out of nowhere and prove everything I ever thought was true, wrong."
"You know there are a lot cuter ways to tell a guy he's special." He reminds me. I may feel like hell, but I still have the strength to swat him on the arm.
"What I'm getting at, is that…I really treated you like shit, like more than I think is fair to treat someone you care for like shit. I don't know if it was under the guise of 'you're not my boyfriend, I don't need to treat you well', or if it was because I wanted to hurt you for unintentionally hurting me for not having a heart, but I sucked." I confess, and this brand new vulnerability feels just as freeing as it does humiliating. But Axel does what Axel does best.
"Well, maybe I should be your boyfriend then." He completely brushes all of what made me uncomfortable aside and meets me with a lopsided grin that makes my stomach backflip.
"I guess we could make the distance thing work. You know, when we get the fuck out of here and you drop me off in who knows where." I offer and he snorts.
"Oh sweetheart, you're coming straight back to The World That Never Was with me."
"When did the plan become anything other than dropping me off in another world 'for my safety'?" I ask, using air quotes.
"When you decided to play shark bait. You're not the only one of us who doesn't want to live in a world without the other." He informs me.
"You were told to eliminate me." I remind him, not that I particularly want him to.
"I was told to do a lot of nasty things, and you were so very helpful, assisting me in ridding our Organization of traitors. In fact, I think I might have to remind Xemnas of how much of an asset you are to us alive." He says. "I've had to do enough dirty work, I think it's time I ask the Superior to sweeten the deal for me. After all, what better way to convince me that getting my heart back is worth all of the risks, when the person I want to give it to is at my side."
I don't just feel warm on the inside, I am burning up, my heart lighting up the world like a wildfire that I never want to be extinguished.
"Guess you'll have to be my boyfriend then." I beam. "Damn, how could I possibly have thought I hated you?"
"You'll probably think it again, I'm pretty polarizing. But the makeup sex is pretty amazing." He reminds me.
"That it is." I laugh. "So, uh, not to spoil the moment, but where are we?"
"Sanae's place." Sane. Sanae Hanekoma, Mr. H. Of course. My unconscious dreams and maybe memories of what were said while I was out cold come flooding back and I realize quickly that I was hearing him and Axel talk for at least part of the time I was out. "Neku and Shiki told me to take you here, he got you patched up pretty quick. I tell you what, you scared the hell out of me though."
I decide not to correct him by telling him he doesn't have the heart to feel fear.
"I think I heard you guys talking, when I was out." I say and Axel makes a face. "This has something to do with the whole 'I can't watch you die after…' thing doesn't it?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Unfortunately, you're not as dumb as I usually like em'." He says.
"Sorry, in the future I'll aspire to be more like our zombie friend, Roxas." I try and he cracks a little half smile, but it doesn't touch his eyes.
"Will it make a difference if I tell you that the truth won't always set you free?" He asks.
"Nope." I say.
"Damn." He brushes a thumb across my cheekbone before drawing slowly away from me. For a minute, I think to protest, but then, he moves us around so that he is on his back and I am laying on my chest, and to be honest, I could absolutely get used to being manhandled by my boyfriend. My boyfriend.
Wow.
"I…remembered something about our past." Axel tells me. "I lost my heart protecting you."
I don't realize that I am holding my breath until I draw a shaky one in.
"Are you sure?" Because I want so bad for this to be a lie.
"Oh, I've got it memorized." He nods. "When you pushed me out of the way of the Noise, it completely mirrored the night our world fell to darkness. I was on my way to find Saix, we were going to try to find a way out or fight off the Heartless, but we were just kids, I doubt we could've done much of anything. But before I could find him, I ran into you. You had a pair of scissors in your hand and were trying to defend yourself, but you were even younger than me, you were barely staying afloat. So I came over to help you, and for a second, it looked like we were making progress, like we were a team, like we were going to make it out… And then a Neo Shadow came after you. There was no way you would've made it, I didn't think I just acted, I pushed you out of the way and it ripped my heart out of my chest. The last thing I remember is you screaming my name."
I realize in that moment that he maneuvered us so that we don't have to make eye contact through this conversation, and I am thankful that he knows me well enough to know that I will not be able to meet his gaze. Or maybe this is more for him. Maybe he cannot bare to look at me. I stare at the wall closest to the bed, my hands shaking as they clutch the fabric of his coat in my fists.
"Axel…" I breathe his name and it wavers, my voice rattling.
"I told you, you didn't want to know." He reminds me, and that he did. I pinch my eyes shut and hide my face in his chest.
"I am so sorry. I am so fucking sorry." But it's not enough, I know, it'll never be enough. How the hell am I supposed to make this up to him, how am I supposed to come to terms with the fact that the man I love cannot love me and it is entirely my fault?
"It's nice to see you two have finally made up." Conscious, I recognize Sanae Hanekoma's voice at the door, but I don't want to move away from the soothing heat that Axel is radiating. And I fear that if I separate from him, that suddenly, the weight of the world will come crashing down on me.
"Your timing is impeccable." Axel says, rubbing my back, drawing me in closer which instantly makes me feel guilty. Shouldn't I be doing this for him and not the other way around?
"You finally tell her?" Sanae asks, and I swear, I can physically feel Axel's hesitation.
"I told her…enough…for now." He admits and instantly, my head pops back up, my eyes meeting his.
"There's more?" I gasp and the expression on his face is something that I can only describe as heavy.
"C'mon, Rueki, isn't this enough for now?" He asks and much as every fiber in my body fights in protest, I know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he is right.
"Yeah." I concede and turn away from him, to see where Sanae stands, so that I don't need to register the shock that crosses Axel's face. "Thank you, by the way. For saving me." I say.
"No sweat, blondie. I've already figured out a way you can pay me back." He says, waving one hand while the other holds a mug with steam rising out of it.
"Of course you did. What am I doing?" I sigh.
"We." Axel corrects and I watch the warmest smile spread across Sanae's face. In this moment, I truly believe that this is the man's calling: forming harmonious relationships between players, making Shibuya run that much smoother.
"We." I nod and I look back to Axel, who now has his hands behind his head and has made himself plenty comfortable.
"Day Seven is going to be a free for all. The GM wants Phones and the young lady gone yesterday. I'm sure you partner already told you, the Taboo Noise was meant for them, but the GM isn't the only one on a rampage. Those two have pissed off just about every Reaper in the UG, for some reason none of them are two keen on working multiple weeks in a row." Sanae shrugs.
"Which means they're going to need our help." Axel predicts.
"Bingo." Sane says. "You two up for the challenge?"
"Depends, I guess. What day is today?" I ask, looking to the IV in my arm. Because no, the pain isn't crippling, but I also think one blow from someone like Uzuki would have me down for the count.
"Day 5, late night. Time doesn't pass the same way inside here, the GM can't just end the day at my house." Sanae laughs. Gently, I touch the spot where the shark pierced me. A punctured lung. It seems so crazy that I was able to recover in a day and a half, but I guess, at the same time, nothing should surprise me anymore. Not with all of the secrets I have learned about this world and many others, and all the secrets I still have yet to learn. Maybe being a cynic wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
"Well, if you keep pumping me full of this stuff, I'm sure I'll be good to go." I point a thumb at the IV. "Although, I am wondering how you managed to not kill me by Elixir overdose."
"You Alchemists think you know everything about synthesis, but you forget the most basic of elements." Sanae grins, shaking his head. "You water something down with just a little bit of Remedy and you can reap all of the benefits with none of the consequences." And damn, that does make sense.
"Fine, fine." I wave my hand. "Get out of here then, I should probably sleep."
Sanae grumbles something to himself about this being his house, as he files out of the room, but at the edge of his profile, I can see a smile tugging at his lips.
"Will you stay?" I ask Axel. "I don't know if you're tired, but—"
"Are you kidding?" He snorts. "I've been waiting on you with baited breath, sweetheart. I couldn't very well sleep, wondering when the hell you were gonna wake up."
"So that nap you were taking when I woke up…" I raise an eyebrow.
"Was a reaction of my shell, not me. Even without a heart, I can't control physical reactions. I doubt I was asleep for more than ten minutes." He insists.
"You know, it might just be easier to admit that you're lazy and wanted an excuse to conk out." I try. He rolls his eyes and pulls me down onto his chest.
"I think I liked you better when you weren't talking."