XXV.
I wake up and Axel is gone.
I don't expect anything less, he was very clear, he had to be gone early this morning. Still, as I lay here, naked in bed, without his warmth beside me, I find myself feeling more hollow and empty than I have ever felt. I linger, my face pressed to the sheets, as I find comfort in his scent against them. I pray to anything that will listen that he isn't gone long. The time I spent not falling asleep in his arms, in Castle Oblivion, was too long, and that was when I had the drive to stay away from him. Now, his name is a mantra in my brain, a chant that plays as I clamber out of bed, shower, get ready and put my clothes on. Unsure of what is expected of me, with Axel gone, I don't bother with putting the coat on, and for a moment, I contemplate just laying in bed for the rest of the day. That is right around the same time Saix opens a portal into the room, his eyes hard and cold as he regards me.
"Perhaps this is above what you can comprehend, however, our Superior does not tolerate laziness. You were expected to report for a mission over an hour ago." He says, in a tone void of anything except perhaps mild irritation.
"Honestly, can we just stop pretending I work for you guys?" I roll my eyes. "I can think of a lot better ways to spend my day than beating Heartless away from the Castle, with Demyx.
"It seems you've forgotten that you are only kept alive to complete missions, would you prefer it the other way around?" He asks. When I don't answer, he continues. "Besides, your mission today is with XIII, not IX."
Not that I mind Demyx, he's my friend.
Saix hands me a mission card and I look it over. Recon in a place called 'Beast's Castle'. I've never been to a Castle outside of this one and Oblivion, maybe it'll be cool to check one out that wasn't decorated by a complete cocksucker who wants everything to look pristine and white.
"Why recon?" I ask, hoping that I can ask a simple question without him biting my head off.
"In case you've not noticed, half of our ranks have been eliminated." He says, as though he is talking to an earthworm or something else without cognitive brain function.
"Oh?" I tilt my head to the side, batting my lashes, stupidly. "Silly me, I thought that was all a part of your master plan." I remind him. His eyes suddenly narrow into slits, becoming cold as ice.
"Put your coat on before you leave on your mission. This may surprise you, but not everyone is utterly charmed by your lack of decent clothing." He opens a portal and retreats inside, just barely missing the shoe that I throw at him. What a fucking prick. He wants me to keep a journal? Fine. It's gonna be a personal, Saix shit list.
I stomp over to the dresser that I have kept my coats and notebook in and quickly scribble down on one of the pages: Day 139, implied that I was stupid and a whore. I took my shoe off to hit him with it, he disappeared before I could.
Feeling sufficiently satiated, I grab my jacket make my way out of the room, zipping it up as I try to think over where Roxas might be waiting. I've got a pretty good inkling. A smirk spreads across my lips as I am proved right. He lays, head on the headrest of one of the couches in the lounge type area, staring with a furrowed brow up at the ceiling. I walk right over and lean in front of him, my hair spilling down onto the both of us as I grin at him. His eyes suddenly meet mine, deep blue to sea green, and his go wide.
"Whoa!" I have to pull away quickly, because he jolts up. "Give me a break, Rueki!"
"C'mon Roxas, you gave Axel and I so much grief yesterday for sleeping the day away. But here you are, snoozing, you lazy bum." I laugh.
"I wasn't sleeping!" He retorts. "I was thinking, I had this really strange dream last night and—"
"Roxas, would you like to know a surefire sign that a friendship is dead?" I ask as he climbs off the couch. "It's a sure sign that a friendship is dead when you have to start talking about your dreams, because you have nothing to bond over in real life anymore." I set a finger against his lips. He scrunches his nose at me and waves my hand away.
"You don't think dreams are important?" He asks. I shrug.
"I dunno, I never remember my dreams." It's a lie, but sleeping beside Axel, with the lights on has kept the nightmares at bay. My stomach drops as I think of what may happen in this time he is gone, though I quickly push the thought away. That's a problem for future Rueki to deal with.
"Maybe they're my memories, from when I had a heart." Roxas considers. "Maybe that's why you don't remember anything you dream, you don't have memories."
"And I still have a heart." I remind him. He nods.
"Yeah." He says. "I dreamt about a girl that looked just like Xion."
"Was she wearing a white dress?" I ask, and my mouth goes dry. He wrinkles his nose though and shakes his head.
"No, she had red hair, a pink skirt and a white shirt." He said. "Still, something about her really just made me think of Xion." He scratches the back of his head. I wonder if perhaps he dreamt of Kairi, but I don't want to think about what that might mean for him and Sora and the guilty hand that I have in that entire situation.
"We should go on our mission. Saix already yelled at me for being late." I say. He pauses a moment, seeming to be lost in thought, so much deeper and more inquisitive than Sora ever was.
"Yeah." He finally says, before opening up a portal.
Beast's Castle is moody and medieval, decorated in blues, purples and reds. This is what I expect a castle to look like, something fitting for a prince. Not something cold and sterile like I'm used to.
"Have you been here before?" I ask Roxas, and he nods.
"Yeah, a couple times with Xaldin. And Xion. The Organization wants to turn the master of the castle into a Nobody. They think he has a strong heart." Roxas explains. I wrinkle my nose.
"I don't like that." I confess. "Taking someone's heart just so you can get more Nobodies on your side? You're all trying to get hearts of your own, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I guess so." Roxas shrugs, all adorable and noncommittal, but his brow is furrowed as though he is genuinely thinking about my words.
"So then why take a heart away from someone, just to promise it back in the end? You and Xion are supposed to release hearts so that Kingdom Hearts is formed, I get that. Why not just have the two of you double down on that? Seems like a more straightforward and less time consuming way to go about all of this." I offer. A spark is lit in Roxas' eyes as though this is the first time he's really thought about this. And maybe it is, after all, without my conspiratorial ass attitude to light the fire beneath him, maybe he would've just continued on, going through the motions.
"You're right." He says, voice barely above a whisper, as he starts to piece things together in his head. "You should say something to Xemnas."
"I should say a lot of things to Xemnas. I don't see any of them going well. He wanted me killed in Castle Oblivion." I shrug.
"Wait, what?" Roxas asks, eyes going wide. Suddenly, I hear a noise, a stomping, a crashing, a clattering. Something big is barreling this way. I hold a finger up, telling him to give me a minute as my eyes dart around the corridor we stand in.
"Behind the statue!" I grab his hand in mine and start sprinting, leading him to behind a statue of a gargoyle.
"Rueki, wait—"
"No time!" We crouch down behind the statue, both of us trying to look as small as possible, which is actually quite easy for a short woman and a kid who has just barely hit puberty. I hold my breath, my eyes flicking to the staircase nearest to where I heard the noise come from, when suddenly a monster comes stomping down the stairs. Whatever it is, is hairy, with brown fur, the face of a lion, the horns of a bull, and very human blue eyes. It wears tattered pants and a cape.
"Everything needs to be perfect for tonight, Cogsworth!" The monster orders to…a clock? Yes, a clock, small, and clambering behind him, taking down notes on a piece of parchment. "Not a thing out of place."
"Not a thing at all, yes, very good sir!" The clock agrees as it follows him toward the center of the castle. They continue on, going over details of lighting, of dinner, of music, of wardrobe choices. The strangest things, considering what this monster… this Beast looks like. He must be the master of the castle. He's excited about something, animated even, and the Organization wants his heart? Fuck them.
Unless of course, he's excited about cooking people alive and eating them.
Really, nothing would surprise me anymore.
The Beast and the clock continue down the half, far enough so that they're out of sight and out of earshot. I start giggling bringing my hands to my mouth.
"Oh man, what the fuck is this world?" I ask. Roxas snorts.
"You know, that's actually a really good question." He admits. "It's not as bad as Wonderland."
"Nothing is as bad as Wonderland." I agree. Abruptly, a growling sound starts up and I sigh. "What now?"
The answer to that, is the Gargoyle statue we're sitting behind slowly starts to creep to life, hissing and gargling before it finally jumps free.
"Is everything in this castle alive?" I snap.
"That's what I was trying to tell you when you pulled me back here!" Roxas insists.
"Well you should've told me faster!" I say.
"You wouldn't let me talk!" He cries out. The statue brandishes two pairs of old fashioned looking swords.
"Let me use your Keyblade as a springboard." I order, rolling my shoulder as I ready Survivor. Roxas' Keyblade materializes and I sprint at it, leaping onto and off of it in a series of backflips that land me on top of the statue, my arms around the back of the gargoyle's neck.
"What now?" Roxas calls to me as I smash my claw into the gargoyle. It parries back, slashing my arms with its sword. It smarts something awful, so I keep slamming Survivor into it for good measure.
"I don't know! I didn't think this far ahead!" I admit. Roxas comes charging and smacks the Keyblade against the statue. I go sailing off, toward the wall. He lands a couple more attacks on the gargoyle before it crumbles, right as I slide to the floor and onto my ass. "Damn, thanks kid." I say, standing up, rubbing my back, which is still sore from the impact of the wall.
"You've gotta think these things through, Rueki!" He chastises, which would be adorable if it weren't annoying.
"I think better on my feet." I counter.
"So you'd have somehow figured out a way to fight off the statue if I didn't help?" He asks, skeptically, crossing his arms to his chest.
"Yeah, probably." I snark back.
"Well it didn't seem like you were going to, you scared me." He insists. Despite everything, a smile spreads across my features. I know what Axel would say, that this kid doesn't have the heart to worry and blah, blah, blah, but it makes me wonder, would any of them know any differently if they weren't raised by some pompous douche that makes his comrades call him 'Superior'? If the Nobodies in Organization XIII hadn't been told that they don't have a heart, would they still believe it themselves? Or could they actually be happy?
"Don't just do things on your own, that's why we're on this mission together. To have each other's backs." Roxas reminds me and I catch myself smiling the warmest of smiles.
"Right. Trust your partner." Shibuya, Axel, Neku and Shiki. Everything that I learned there, I feel so deeply now. I remember Joshua accusing Neku and Shiki of having resorted to old ways, even after everything they've learned. Well not me. I'm not the Rueki I used to be, I never will be. I don't want this kid to feel like I don't trust and respect him. I do, and even if I didn't I'd learn to. The battles of this life are not meant to be fought alone. "Sorry, kid. Thanks for having my back."
"Well duh!" He says, throwing his arms up. I choke on a laugh.
"You know, I don't care what they say, I like you." I giggle, ruffling his hair. He narrows his eyes at me.
"What who says?"
"It's a figure of speech. C'mon kid, lets go do some recon."
And we do. After hours of searching, we watch from the balcony of a ballroom as this Beast and a girl, a beautiful young woman glide around the ballroom in perfect choreography, wearing the most pristine of clothing. Apparently I have turned into a sap, because my first thought is how romantic this is.
"Dancing?" Roxas asks.
"If I had to guess, I would say it looks a lot like they're in love." I confess. Because that is what their faces are telling me. I noticed how human they were before, but the Beast has very expressive eyes and the way he is looking at this woman is the way I look at Axel.
"Why?" He asks. I shrug.
"I don't know. Life would be a lot simpler if love made more sense, but it doesn't. People get close to you, they find their way into your heart and become important to you, and you fall in love." I explain.
"Maybe that's why it doesn't make sense to me, since I don't have a heart." He offers. I shrug.
"That's probably not it, love confuses everyone." I inform him.
"Even you?"
"Especially me." I nod.
"Well, you and Axel and Xion are all important to me, we're all close." He tries.
"There are different kinds of love." I tell him. "Not just romantic, like what I have for Axel, but there's the love you have for your friends, the ones really close that you never want to let go. And then there's the love for family, the love for things. It's not just one type."
"Is that all it means with your friends? Is that they're important and you never want to let them go?" He asks.
"Yeah, pretty much. If you have that deep kind of love for your friends, it means you trust them with your whole life. That you want to share your world with them and keep them safe." I explain.
"Rueki, do you think even without a heart, I can feel love?" He asks.
"I sure hope so." I smile sadly, pathetically. "It's not always a good feeling though. I mean, it's beautiful, and it is powerful, but things that are important to you can be a weakness too."
"How is that? Shouldn't those things that are important make me stronger?" He asks. "I always feel my best when I'm with my friends, eating ice cream."
"Me too. But just because we're all decent people, doesn't mean everyone is. Marluxia wanted to use Axel to hurt me. He wanted me to do something that he knew I wouldn't do on my own, and so he was going to manipulate me, knowing Axel was important to me." I explain. "Sometimes, if you build your entire life around something or someone, and you have to do something without them, you forget how to function. You have to be just as strong on your own as you are with your friends."
"So that's how I keep you all safe then? By being strong, even without you?" He asks.
"Why are you so worried about keeping us all safe, kid?" I ask, elbowing him lightly. "You're like five, that's not your problem to worry about."
"I'm not five." He grumbles. "Besides, I just never want the good times we all have together to end."
"Yeah, me either."
We're at the clock tower before Xion gets done with her mission, ice cream at hand. The icing on the cake. It's only been a day, and somehow I already miss Axel desperately. With the nighttime creeping in, I begin to worry what will happen tonight, how I will sleep. I didn't realize just how desperately I need him by my side. What I told Roxas, I meant as a teaching moment, but it holds true for myself as well. Axel might just be too important to me. He is my weakness.
You know, along with my mouthiness, the fact that I seem to find my way to any hit an opponent makes, the fact that I don't think things through, and then of course the lovely list of new anxiety that I am experiencing. I swear, I've become a child, afraid to go through the dark by myself, and I hate it.
"Your ice cream is melting." Roxas reminds me, gently pushing his elbow into my rib. I smile softly at him, taking a bite of my ice cream. "You miss him, don't you?"
"Would it be tragically cliché if I said I miss him terribly?" I ask.
"Maybe." Roxas shrugs. "I'm like five, remember? So I wouldn't know." He's grinning like one seriously sarcastic little fuck and I love it.
"Are you finally understanding sarcasm?" I ask.
"A little." He laughs.
"Do you remember that first week you were here? Axel called me crazy and you were so confused, because you thought my name was Rueki, not crazy." I remind him. He bursts out laughing, so animated that his shoulders shake.
"Yeah, I guess I really didn't understand what was going on then." He confesses. "I remember that was Xion's first day. I've been writing the days down in my journal, trying to keep them all straight. So much has happened."
"That it has." I agree. "I just started using my journal this morning."
"Are you keeping track of all that's happened, too?" He asks.
"Nah, I don't think I'll ever forget this. I'm using mine as a way to be petty and keep track of all the things Saix does that I don't like." I admit.
"Yeah, he really hates you." Roxas laughs.
"It's okay, the sentiment is returned." I inform him.
"Why?" He asks.
"I dunno. I guess we knew each other when we were kids, him, me and Axel. I don't remember anything about it though, and whatever slights against him that Saix remembers, he won't tell me or Axel." I tell him.
"Oh." Is his reply. "Do you miss your memories?" He asks.
"I used to tell myself that I didn't, because I couldn't miss what I never knew existed in the first place. But the more stuff matters in my life, the more I do. I wish I remembered what Axel was like as a kid. I guess Xigbar knew my mom, she died when I was really little I guess, so I probably wouldn't have had memories of her anyway, but still." I sigh. "Sorry, I'm whining."
"No, I asked." Roxas shakes his head. "I still don't remember anything about my life."
And maybe that's for the best? With Sora resting and being restored, I worry what information I give to Roxas might be too much. I don't like the idea of this kid being in the dark, but maybe I can sympathize with Axel. Maybe it is smarter to keep the ones I care about in the dark if it keeps them safe. I reach out and pat Roxas' back.
"Maybe someday." I say.
"Maybe someday." He agrees.