A light shake of his shoulder woke him up. His head snapped up, but his exhausted eyes were still slightly unfocused.

"What are you doing out here, Mr. Vash?" Milly asked him concerned.

He looked around confused. What was he doing here? Where the hell was he? He watched as Milly stood up and he saw the door behind her. Meryl's door. She was looking at him, but she punched the access button and the door slid open.

His voice sputtered out, "Wh-what are you doing?!" He couldn't imagine Meryl would be too pleased to be barged in on unannounced.

Milly smiled and walked in. "I'm getting some pudding." From inside the room, she called out, "Do you want any?"

From his vantage point, he didn't see anyone in the room. He stood up quickly and stopped in the doorway. The only person he saw was Milly. His heart stopped and his brain failed him. This just did not compute. His helpless mind was visually assaulted with the fact that he didn't see her anywhere. "Meryl?"

The one word summed up all of his dismay and Milly looked at him, her eyes full of worry. "Don't you remember, Mr. Vash?"

He tried to keep his composure, but it was slipping fast. He put his hands into his hair and he balled his fists. "Remember what?" he hissed.

Milly repeated the news hesitantly. "She told you…that she was leaving…on the next caravan." She took a deep breath. "The caravan left yesterday, about an hour…after she talked to you. She said…you'd told her to go. Was that not right?"

He'd been too late? Impossible. He slumped into the nearest chair. His eyes stared blindly. This was just impossible.

Milly didn't know what to say. She noticed a small envelope on the table. She pushed it into his line of vision. The small object was the only thing his optic nerves seemed to be able to pick up. With shaky fingers, he took the letter with his name on it and carefully opened it up, afraid of what it might say, but even more afraid not to read it. There was one sentence, drawn with the expert penmanship that he'd seen Meryl write in a thousand times:

"I'll miss being your insurance girl."

He read it several times, hoping he'd find something more, some hidden meaning, some indication that he wasn't really as alone as he felt. He flipped it over. There was nothing there. Really, he should have been glad for her. She wasn't dead. There weren't many people who could make that statement after staying with him for so long. She had her own life to live and it was selfish to want her here with him. He wasn't thinking about her interests, he was only thinking about himself. He was so selfish. He sat absolutely still for a moment before slowly resting his forehead on the table. Inertia set in as his entire body felt rooted to the spot. He didn't have any intention of ever moving again.

Milly watched him, slightly flustered. She might have been perceptive, but that didn't mean she could deal with every emotion that got thrown at her. She could handle combative Vash, unruly Vash, drunk Vash, goofy Vash, but she'd never had to take on heart-broken Vash. Meryl had been the expert in that area. She hesitantly reached over and touched his shoulder. "Vash?" she asked as a friend. "Are…are you okay?"

He was unresponsive. She paused. She waited for a good minute for him to say something, to move, to do anything. She almost began to speak again, but his head shot up inhumanly fast and she nearly jumped, her hand involuntarily snapping back. Vash had never given her the creeps…until now. His tone of voice was completely…normal. "I'm fine, Milly, really." His mouth was set in the quintessential carefree Vash™ smile. But his eyes…she'd never seen anything more empty or hollow in her life. He had tears freely streaming down his face. She tried to conceal her concern, but she could barely stand to look at him.

"You…you don't look fine, Vash," she finally stammered out.

The smile on his face was starting to slip. His gentle voice began to break. "Really, it's okay. I understand why…why she left. Who wouldn't want to if they were in her position?" He let out a manic laugh. He tried to smile again, but it just looked all wrong. "Why would they send such nice girls after me in the first place?" he said mostly to himself. He looked at Milly and she felt trapped in his desperately empty eyes. "Please listen to me, Milly. You need to get away from me. You need to leave. I don't want to ruin your life, too."

Milly almost started laughing. "Vash, I'm absolutely not going to leave you. You're in no condition to be giving me orders." She was hesitant to touch him again. She could feel tiredness radiating off of him. "Let's go back to your room and I'll make you a nice cup of tea and you can relax. Does that sound nice?"

She was about to reach out to him when he stopped her. "Don't," he whispered. Tears were steadily dripping out of his eyes and down his face. "Please don't touch me."

She found herself flustered again. If this were Meryl, she'd simply pick her up and march the small woman into bed. But Vash… She was strong, but even she was no match for him. Besides, she really didn't want to fight him. Vash didn't need that kind of thing right now. He looked so unbelievably tired. "Alright, Vash, we'll do things your way. I won't touch you, but you have to go to bed."

The thought of walking almost made his stomach turn. He didn't want to think of the monumental effort it would take to move his cemented legs. He barely possessed the will to breathe. "Please," he begged, "just leave me alone."

Milly straightened up. "Absolutely not. If you're not going to take care of yourself, then I'm going to have to do it for you. Now, if you don't want to walk, then I'm going to carry you, and if you don't let me carry you, then I'm going to call Doc."

He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. He let out a desperate noise. He'd meant for his voice to come out sounding intimidating, but it sound more like a teenager's immature cracking. "Get away from me! This is your life I'm talking about!"

She stood firmly. "No, Vash," she said quietly. "This is your life. And I'm not going to watch as you squander it on self-pity. Now get up and go to bed or else I'm liable to become…not very nice!"

He let out a long breath and almost laughed at himself. They were fighting over whether or not he would stand up on his own. He didn't remember becoming this pathetic. He took a few more breaths before slowly getting to his feet. The thought of a cup of tea didn't really appeal to him, but the idea of a bed did. He could go into his room and lock the door and curl around a pillow and scream until he went to sleep or lost his voice, whichever came first.

Milly watched his progress from a safe distance. She stayed out of his personal space all the way to his room. She followed him into the living quarters. Knives watched as Vash slowly walked straight into his room, not pausing to acknowledge his presence. Knives felt an unbelievable concentration of sorrow seeping out of Vash. The door slid shut behind Vash.

Knives glared at Milly. "What did you do to him?"

She hadn't really done anything to Mr. Vash. "Me?" she asked innocently for clarification. She couldn't believe the irony here.

Knives snorted derisively and walked straight towards Vash's room.

"Mr. Knives…I wouldn't--"

The door slid closed before she could stop him.

Knives stood still as he took in the scene before him. His brother was buried under his blankets, curled in on himself. Anger grew inside of him. This sadness had been caused by humans. He was going to make sure Vash never felt this way again.

From somewhere under the covers, a sad and quiet voice emerged. "Please go away. I want to be alone."

Knives knew this wasn't true. Vash never wanted to be alone. Not really. He walked over to the bed and sat down. He put his hand on Vash's shoulder. He tried to convince himself that Vash had not actually flinched when he touched him. Knives wanted to comfort his brother, but these mechanical arms were just making things worse. His proclivity for taking what he wanted seized him and he realized that in this state, he could reconnect with Vash...the way they had been as kids. It would be very simple. Vash didn't look like he was in any condition to fight it, and he'd get what he wanted and he'd be able to help Vash at the same time. He hesitated, a small ethical dilemma forming on the outskirts of his rational thought, but he squashed it before he could give it any real thought. He was doing this for Vash.

He took a breath and then lay down beside his brother and pressed his forehead against the back of Vash's neck.

Instantly he was sucked into a communication link, the strength of which he had not been expecting. Vash hadn't been this open since they were kids. The loneliness his brother was feeling was unbearable. He couldn't understand it. Why was he so lonely? He was here for Vash!

Vash's mind was awash with guilt. When he realized his brother was there, he tried to sever the link, but he just could not manage it. He could not function anymore. And he found that he really didn't care whether Knives was there or not. He questioned his entire existence, knowing he'd never get an answer. Why had he been born? Was his purpose really to annihilate? Why had Rem let him live? Why hadn't he been able to protect Knives when they were little? Why hadn't he been a good enough brother? Why hadn't he been able to stop Knives from killing all those people? Why did he destroy everything he touched? Would he ever be able to love anybody freely? Would he ever be able to touch another living being without fear? Would he always feel this alone? Why hadn't he already died? Why couldn't he keep his promise to take care of Knives? Would this body destroy everything he cared about? Why did it have to be Meryl? Of all the people, why Meryl? Why couldn't just one person escape him unscathed? Why couldn't he do anything right? Why did he ruin the lives of everyone he cared about? Why did they have to die? Why had Rem let him live?

Why had Rem let him live?

Knives was stunned. He thought he'd find Vash's mind steeping in animosity, at least some of it for the humans, but the only person Vash hated was himself. Vash didn't even hate Knives for all the things he'd done. In fact, Vash assumed responsibility for everything. He internalized every single bit of it. Knives broke his physical contact with his brother and the psychic link diminished but didn't go away. He shook Vash lightly, trying to get him to react a little bit. Vash didn't move. He looked like he'd totally given up on everything. Knives couldn't think of anything to say. His eyes welled up with tears. He slowly realized there was absolutely nothing he could do to comfort his own brother. Vash still hadn't moved. Knives shook him again, a little desperate, hoping that this time the physical contact would awaken some kind of fight in his brother.

"Go away," Vash whispered, "and leave me alone, or you'll get destroyed, too." Vash started sobbing. "Go away now! Go away before I lose control and I hurt you! GO!"

Knives couldn't comprehend what his brother was telling him. Instead of leaving, he attempted to grab Vash and hold him close, but Vash pulled one of his arms out of the blanket and violently pushed him off, sending Knives stumbling across the room. Vash was now standing up, draped in blankets, squeezing a pillow to him. He stumbled over to a corner and sank to the ground. Vash was absolutely inconsolable. "Go away before you die like everybody else!"

Like…everybody else? Like…the humans? Did Vash…really think of him that way? He looked as Vash buried his head in the pillow to muffle his tortured screams. Knives thought it would stop, but it didn't. He just kept screaming all of his pain and his loneliness into that pillow. Knives found himself stumbling backwards, trying to get away from Vash, trying to get away from the horribly lost feeling that was being emptied into him through the psychic link. He tried to sever it, but he couldn't. He couldn't get that pain out of his head. All those years he thought Vash had been carelessly playing with humans…now he knew the truth. All this time he lamented the days when he knew exactly what Vash was thinking and feeling. Now he could feel everything and he just wished it would go away.

This was harder than Meryl had thought it would be. Leaving the ship caused her physical pain. The sense of isolation she felt when she was away from Vash was nothing compared to the feeling that was caused by leaving the ship. She felt like some sort of invisible umbilical cord was stretching and ripping and tearing her apart as she traveled farther away from the ship's plants. She wondered if she would feel better in the next city. She wondered if this was how Vash kept from getting lost in the desert.

"Don't think about him," she said out loud.

She was alone in the back of a covered truck, huddled around some spare plant cells. They didn't do a whole lot to alleviate her discomfort, but she was appreciative of the small amount of relief they did provide. She was actually pretty proud of herself. She had been strong for Milly. She hadn't cried at all since she left Vash's room. He didn't deserve it!

He didn't even say goodbye.

She took a deep breath, calming herself, not wanting to ruin her no-sob record right after she'd just congratulated herself. It was true that he had not say goodbye, but that was okay. She really would miss him. It was okay to admit that! But she needed to get some perspective, she told herself. He had been trying to get her off his trail since day one! He should be happy. And really, this was exactly the kind of relationship that she didn't need! Mature, responsible people couldn't function like this! Independent plant, huh? HA! Vash was clearly as codependent as they come, and she just didn't have the time or the patience necessary to take care of him! It was simple really! If she wanted that kind of responsibility, she could get a dog. They didn't drag you through bars and gunfights and dirty hotels that rented out by the hour and they didn't make you watch as they flirted with other women and they didn't get so drunk you had to plead with the bartender to help you carry them to their room! And if they ran away, they usually came back! And she didn't like pets anyway. She really wasn't good with animals at all. They were so needy, so unlike her. They always wanted your approval and they were always finding ways to plant their cold wet noses on your warm skin. They loved you, whether you fed them or not. They were loyal and didn't have any reason or logic to back it up at all.

She realized that the first order of business upon returning to December was to buy a puppy.

If he'd asked her to, she would have stayed. She knew without a doubt that that was the honest truth. The merest hint of a request would have been all it took, but he didn't say anything. He just let her leave.

She didn't know if she could ever forgive him for that.

He clearly didn't see her as a potential girlfriend or anything. God, could Vash the Stampede even have a girlfriend? She had to keep reminding herself that he was THE Vash the Stampede. People like him didn't have girlfriends. He was a womanizer, remember? He broke hearts on a regular basis. For fun! There had to be some truth to the rumor. She should have been glad that the majority of her heart was still intact. She should have been glad…but she wasn't. It was so stupid, but she really felt something with him, something that was not ordinary, something she'd never get over. That stupid idiot. Had he known it was there? Had he felt it?

She sighed, realizing it was all moot at this point. Even if he did, it was not like he'd ever come after her to see if she returned the feelings. His specialty was running away from her.

But she knew despite herself that if he had taken the chance, just asked her to wait even for a moment, it could have been great.

She needed to stop dwelling on this. If what Doc had said was true, she had a lot of life ahead of her and she needed to be living it to its fullest. Waste not, want not, she told herself.

She looked around. She was by herself. She hated traveling by herself. This was the first time she'd been all alone in the Outer. What was she going to do when she got back into town? What would her options be? Would she be admonished for getting personally involved in a case? Would anybody really be able to hold it against her? Would she even want to work there anymore? Lots of questions swirled through her mind.

There were a few things she did know, however. She was going to get to the next town and she was going to purchase a bus ticket that went straight to December and she was going to remember how to live her own life.

The truck jolted and then came to a sudden stop. She heard screaming and gunfire and she reached for her derringers, but before she could react, her pink suitcase got loose and fell on her head, ending any connection to consciousness that she previously enjoyed.

A/N: Hey guys. Just a public service announcement: Writing angst to Interpol equals real funk in real life. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter because I didn't have my normal fun torturing Vash. BUT…I would like to take a moment to say this:

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Also, THANKS FOR STICKING WITH THIS STORY! This thing has gotten almost 100 reviews!!! HOLY CRAP! I'm about to have a Sally Fields moment! And if you're old enough/pop-culture-aware enough to know what I'm talking about, then you get 39487393 COOKIES!!!

Mitai, Aine, Sugar Pill, Alaena, Chibi, Igbogal, and everybody else who reviewed, you get 27379472947293 cookies to split amongst yourselves!!! Also, if you leave an email address, I will reply. I LOVE REPLYING TO REVIEWS!!!

And Mitai gets 746452 cookies for trademarking everything.

Also, Erin Sasaki, you are correct! And you're the only person who commented on that, too. You get 43883835 cookies and you don't have to share.

Now I feel like a jerk because all of you will need to clear your caches soon. SO I TAKE THE COOKIES BACK AND REPLACE THEM WITH IMAGINARY DONUTS!

SO HYPER!!!

As always…REVIEW!!!