XXVI.
In my dream, Sora stands at the center of a dark room, eyes golden and glowing.
"You did this, Rueki." He says as the darkness begins to consume him.
When I wake up, my face is soaked with tears. At least I wasn't screaming
I have never gotten ready so quickly, and I am actually dressed and ready and on the couch in the lounge before Roxas even gets there. Luxord, however, follows very shorty after me, a curious look on his face as he regards me.
"Well, well, well, Rueki love. I suppose it must be true, what they say about the bird and the worm." He grins, sitting down beside me.
"I got reamed for sleeping in by Scarface yesterday." I confess.
"Mm, yes, of course. And it has nothing to do with, say, the nightmares that have you screaming all hours of the evening?" He asks. I color.
"I didn't realize it was common knowledge." I draw a knee up to my chest, anxiously.
"Once again, I'm afraid that you are not nearly as sneaky as you believe yourself to be." Luxord offers me a little half smile.
"What do you want?" I mutter. "You're not usually one for useless small talk, Luxord."
"Am I unable to spend a morning, conversing with a friend?" He asks me, through a toothy smile.
"It's not your normal motif." I remind him. "Usually, you don't have much to say unless you're giving or taking information." I remember what Axel said about the two of them exchanging information for favors, and I realize, the last time Luxord and I had a real sit down conversation, it was when he told me the Organization consisted of Nobodies.
Does this mean I'm in his debt? Or are we friends? Am I exempt from that?
"Hmm, quite right you are, Rueki love." A smirk curls at the edges of his lips. "You're catching on after all."
"Guess it requires a heart to understand the importance of pleasantries." I roll my eyes.
"Because you're so polite yourself?" He raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, that's fair." I agree. "So what have you been sent to spy on me with?"
"Spy is such a dirty word." He says. "I'm merely here to inquire the whereabouts of the girl, Naminé. Your beau has been less than forthcoming about what has happened to her."
"That's because neither of us know." I shrug. "Believe me, I wanted to go after her, have her play with my memories, but by time I thought about that, she was long gone."
"Is that what VIII told you, or something you discovered for yourself?" He asks.
"I don't like what you're getting at. I trust Axel." I say, flatly, although I do get where he's coming from. If Axel has been known to keep things from me, I'm sure there are plenty of other members in the Organization that feel they owe him an explanation of some kind.
"Were you aware that he was meant to assassinate you in Oblivion? He volunteered for the task himself." Luxord says, as though this will be the tipping point and get me to turn. I narrow my eyes.
"I'm very aware."
"Did he ever have any intentions of ending you, or was that merely a ruse to keep you safe?" He asks. I know that whatever I say will land Axel in trouble. If I say he never meant to, who knows what the punishment for insubordination is, and if I say he meant to, it makes me look weak, like an uniformed source. I just shrug.
"The fact of the matter is that I proved myself a worthy ally for this Organization." I reply. "Saix and Xemnas said so. I'm alive now. I'm completing missions, I'm helping."
"That you are. Though I wonder if the two of you have ulterior motives." Luxord says. Does he really think he's going to weasel anything out of me?
"Listen, Axel wants his heart back, I want him to have it back, and the Organization's goal is to get it back. It makes sense for me to be on your side." I snap.
"That's quite logical of you, not your motif." He reminds me and I color. Is that really what they think of me? I always thought of myself as level, as cynical, as logical, at least before coming here. I guess to those without hearts, it must seem like I lead with mine.
"Logical, illogical, whatever. I don't give a shit what I need to do to make it happen. I want my boyfriend to have a heart. You know, so I don't look so completely pathetic, professing my undying love to him?" I raise an eyebrow. Luxord throws his head back, laughing. Clearly my feathers are the only ones that were ruffled.
"Now that is more up to speed with what I'd expect for you." He nods. "Now, Rueki love, since you are loyal to boot, I come baring a…test so to speak for you."
"Right, cuz that makes sense. Testing my loyalties when you guys literally have, on your side, the one person that I would do anything for. You've already got me, stop trying to push me." I shake my head, running a hand back through my hair.
"While I may be very aware of that, I'm afraid there are those who aren't and still see you as a liability." Luxord draws a hand up to his chin. "Believe me, when I say, you are quite literally testing your limits, even being alive today."
"Why? How fucking stupid, I'm helping." I remind him. He puts his hands up in defense.
"No need to remind me." He offers me a half smile. "It's plain to see, you'd commit murder for VIII, if need be." My stomach lurches and I have to force myself to draw in a breath that doesn't shake and waver. Is this the test? Do they think I killed Zexion? Are they going to accuse me of unjustified murder since he wasn't a traitor in the first place? With Axel gone, is Saix trying to use me as a scapegoat, to come out of this mess, smelling like roses?
Think logically, Rueki.
No one knows, nobody except me and Axel. He wouldn't turn on me, not after everything he's done to keep me alive. Nobody needs to know the truth, if I can just keep it together.
"So what more tests do I need to complete to get your boss off my back?" I ask, all sarcasm and annoyance and everything I am certain Luxord expects me to be. I just need to play the game until Axel gets his heart back, then all of this will be done.
"A mission. Recon." Luxord says.
"I literally just went on a recon mission with Roxas yesterday." I remind him.
"Perhaps this is better left to be shown, not told, hmm?" He tilts his head before standing and opening up a portal. I don't like this, I want to ask about fifty thousand more questions, but I know none of them will be answered.
I follow Luxord through the darkness and am instantly met by a chill that is both hauntingly familiar and sharply foreign at the same time. I hug my hands around the top of my arms, rubbing up and down, in an attempt to heat myself up. I'm thankful, of course, for the Organization coat that keeps me warm, but hell, why couldn't I have been sent on this mission with my human space heater?
Quickly, I pull the hood of my coat up. I don't need anyone recognizing me, and here, someone might.
Transmute City.
It is exactly as cold, dark and dank as I remember it.
"Why are we here, Luxord?" I ask, watching out of the corner of my eye, as he follows my lead and puts his hood up.
"As I said, just some recon, Rueki love." I grit my teeth and steal past him, angry, the hand that isn't inside of Survivor balled into a fist. I don't want to do recon here, I know everything there is to know about this world, and Xemnas is very aware of that, I am sure. I was there when the Keyhole was sealed, I was there through every Heartless attack, I know this town like the back of my hand. There's no reason he couldn't have just asked me anything he needed to know about this town.
The icy wind bites my cheeks and my ungloved hand, but I quickly find cover inside of an accessory shop. The owner is a drunk, who seems to think that if he drinks enough booze, that a fire will start inside him and keep him warm through the cold. But he stocks his shelves well and is probably drunk enough that he won't recognize me.
The shop is delightfully warm, there's a fire burning at the edge of the store, the familiarity of all of this is overwhelming.
"Whatcha need?" The owner slurs at me from behind the counter. His name is Van, he's an asshole.
"Potions and grenades." I reply, not taking my hood off.
"Why don't you take your coat off, girlie? Stay a while?" He teases.
"Why don't you shove a cap up your own ass, you dirty pig." I mutter.
"Wassat?" He asks me.
"Nothing." I say flatly. Luxord strides in as I load a basket full of synthesis materials. He is quite literally vibrating, shaking cold from head to toe, and while I might normally be sympathetic, I'm pretty pissed at him.
"There two of you?" Van asks.
"There's five of us. Stare at the door until the other three come in." I grumble.
"Have you ever been informed that manners matter?" Luxord sighs as he closes in on me. "Really, you're shopping in light of all of this?"
"Van's an old, drunk prick. He won't remember any of this shit tomorrow morning." I wave my hand. "And yeah, I need to pick up more synthesis items. I ran out of a lot of things in Oblivion that I just haven't gotten to stock up on until now. This is my version of retail therapy to avoid feeling my feelings."
"When I mentioned manners, I was referring to the fact that you stomped off the second you realized where we were." He whispers.
"That wasn't stomping off, believe me, if I was throwing a tantrum, you'd know." I inform him, though I don't waste any time being polite to him. In fact, I push past him, to the counter and set my basket up on it.
"Something's familiar bout you, girlie." Van tells me.
"I'm your daughter, you keep forgetting to pay child support." I deadpan. I am an absolute cunt sometimes.
"Doubt it. Got my boys snipped long before you were born." He snorts. Because I really needed to know that.
"Can I just buy this?" He has won. This round.
He rings me up and I set munny up on the counter. Luxord is once again at my shoulder. Just as Van finishes bagging up my items, the door opens. The little bell attached dings, though that isn't the only musical sound. A woman or a girl giggles, a high pitched sound, full of life. Full of heart. I nearly melt at the tone, until I hear the voiced attached to it.
"Don't be silly, Del!" Amaya's hair is almost all the way down to her shoulders now. The scars on her body have settled into her skin and are now just little white lines, barely visible on her pale skin. She's got a prosthetic arm. The shop must be doing well.
"C'mon, I could stand to learn a new skill! Alchemy's not my strong suit, but it's not like I can't figure it out! I mean…especially now that. You know. We don't have anyone to…" Del says and my stomach lurches as I realize he is talking about me. They don't have an Alchemist at home because of me.
"Target acquired." Luxord whispers.
"No." I whisper back.
"Afraid so." He takes hold of my arm. I can't go anywhere, I know. I'm not stupid enough to believe that I can get out of this, but the very though of one of my friends being the reason for recon makes me sick. This is Xemnas' test? This is the game he wants to play? He can go fuck himself. With quick movements, Luxord and I tuck into the corner of the store, as Luxord pretends to sift through what is in my bag. Del and Amaya walk straight past us and don't even notice. Del lifts up a claw from the shelf. I contemplate throwing my shoe at him. That dumbass is going to get himself and Amaya blown up.
"We don't need Alchemy. In case you missed it, the town is at peace. Besides, you know we can't afford a claw like that. Not since we just bought my arm…" She sounds so miserable and downtrodden, like her having a second working arm is a bad thing, since Del can't afford to shop.
I snort.
"I'm not doing this." I whisper. Luxord doesn't argue with me, but he also doesn't remove his hand from my arm. "They're good people."
"C'mon, Maya! You do so much at the shop, all I can do is the inventory, let me help out a little." Del whines, as though spending an abundance of money on weaponry that he doesn't need is somehow helpful.
"You do help out. Please, Del. Let's just get a few things and go!" Amaya urges. This is followed by about fifteen minutes worth of Del, whining like a child, begging their parent for just one more toy. But to my shock, Amaya has grown far more stern since my departure. She is by no means as firm as she needs to be, but she holds her ground, I'm impressed. And devastated.
Not that they're doing well without me, no, that is perfectly fine. In fact, despite the fact that I swore they'd go under without me, I am happy that they haven't. We spent so much time together, the three of us. Laughing, playing, sharing every first in the book with one another. No matter what happened between us, I don't think there will ever be a day that I cannot forgive them. Part of me wants to remove my hood and apologize to them, to tell them that I'm different now and that I really was a cold bitch, almost five months ago, when I left. But there's another part of me, a stronger part, a smarter part, that understands just how wrong it would be to involve them in any of this.
They may be my age, but when I look back to who I was when I lived here, I was innocent, and I was least naïve of the bunch of us. To even apologize and catch them up on my life would mean involving them in this very dark world that I have found home in. They couldn't handle it, not now, not ever. The darkness would eat them alive, and finding out that I shoulder it? That would devastate them. I truly have outgrown my friends…My family.
Which is all the more reason that I cannot do this. Xemnas wants to test me? Fine. I failed. My death would be better than knowing I was responsible for these people I have grown up with, losing their hearts.
"We've got to go." I urge Luxord. "Please." My voice is a little louder than I mean it to be. From the shelf that she and Del stand at, Amaya freezes. I swallow, dryly.
"What's up, Maya?" Del asks, raising an eyebrow. Amaya looks around the room and then shakes her head.
"Nothing, I just thought I heard—" I don't get a chance to hear what she thought she heard, though I already know the answer. Luxord finally concedes to my request and pulls me right out the door of the shop.
"Which one?" I ask when the door is finally closed behind us.
"Delfinius." He replies. I could sob. Not Del. Not sweet, simple, hero worshipping Del. Even without a heart, he would feel miserable, knowing that he had let the darkness win. I set a hand against my heart and suck in a shaky breath.
"Del is an idiot with a hero complex. He was more turned on by the Keyblade than me. He's too foolish to be allowed to carry out missions on his own and could never do something he morally believed was wrong. You see how stubborn I am? That's nothing on him, if you sent him after someone like Sora." I say, in a tone carefully void of emotion. All of this might be true, but it isn't the reason that I cannot let my friend be the person that the Organization aims to recruit next. Del deserves better than this. He may be everything I just told Luxord he was, but he's also—
"Loyal, determined, lively and excitable." Luxord reads from a note card and my stomach drops. Couldn't have said it better myself.
"Where did you get that?" I choke.
"Let us not forget. It was not I who doubted your loyalty." I want to accuse him of never giving me a straight answer, but then I realize, he is.
"You can tell your boss to shove it up his ass. Del wouldn't make it through being taken by the darkness. He's a good person." Not an asshole like me. "It would kill him."
Luxord looks at me, so sad, eyes so full of downright pity. I hate it.
"I truly am amazed by the lengths a heart will go to mend itself." He shakes his head. "You offer forgiveness so freely, and not only that, but defense. Even when your own life hangs in the balance."
"I've done a lot of shitty things that give me nightmares, already." I sigh. "Things I never thought I would do and things I will never be the same because of. But they're all things I can handle. I can handle being a little bit fucked up, and having to sleep with the light on like a damn child. But this? This is not something I can come back from."
We stand there in silence for a moment, and I think that Luxord is right. My heart will go great lengths for forgiveness, because I find that I'm not even mad at him. Here, in the icy air, all of my grievances whip away in the wind. He's my friend. And his boss is a dick. If I held every order Xemnas gave against the person told to carry it out, I surely wouldn't be sleeping in the bed I am now.
"Let's go back to the castle. I need to have words with Xemnas. And Saix." I mutter.
"What leads you to believe Saix is involved?" Luxord asks and I raise an eyebrow.
"The chance to make me miserable? Even without a heart, I think he'd find a way to enjoy that."
Luxord opens up a portal, and as we return to the castle, I feel the hate burning a hole into my heart. The anger I felt toward Luxord initially, the dismay I feel for Axel leaving me here alone, the annoyance I felt toward Van, all of it boils and centers, swirling in my mind, around Xemnas and Saix. They want to test me? Fine. Whatever it was that they were worried about, I'll do. They're afraid I will betray the Organization? That my heart will get in the way of meeting their goals? Let them fear it. And let them keep pushing me, because whatever they're afraid that I'm going to do, they're going to drive me to if they keep this up.
They lit me on fire and expected me to burn.
Instead, I will shoot off into the night like a firecracker. Bright, bold, loud, vibrant.
Unstoppable.
"What the fuck was that about?" I scream as I throw open the double doors to the meeting room, Luxord at my heels, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.
"Did I not say that this was a terrible idea?" He asks the two sitting on their thrones, having a special little meeting amongst the two of them—Saix and Xemnas. Good, two birds with one stone, just as I planned.
"You were sent on a very simple reconnaissance mission. If that is not something you can handle, then perhaps—" But I don't let Saix finish.
"You leave my mother fucking family out of this!" I roar, eyes deadly slits as I stare up at him in his chair. The hand not encased in Survivor is balled up into a fist, so tight that I can feel my cracked knuckles start to bleed.
"Are you suddenly not an orphan from Transmute City?" Xemnas asks.
"You're not fucking dumb, you know what I meant. I was raised with Del and Amaya, they're good people. I might have stumbled into this shit hole, but you leave them the fuck out of this!" I bark.
"I was under the impression that these two 'betrayed' you, which was how you stumbled into this world." Saix regards me with an icy smirk across his lips.
"It doesn't matter what they 'did' to me, they weren't trying to hurt me, they're good people! You wanna do recon on them? Del is too dumb to tie his own shoes and Amaya is a pushover who almost got killed in a Heartless attack. You want badass members that will have strong enough hearts to handle the darkness? It's not them. Leave them the fuck alone. This is the last time I'm asking." I hiss. And yeah, maybe what I said about them was cruel, but I'm not an idiot. Xemnas needs the strong, to handle what he has in store and my friends, or former friends or whatever the hell they are, will only get hurt in the crossfire. "You wanna test my loyalty? You tested that shit when you tried to have me killed in Oblivion. I snooped on Larxene and Marluxia, you're welcome. I pushed Sora further toward Naminé, and he's my friend too. You've got me on your fucking leash, you've got Axel! That's all you need. He wants his heart, I want it too, you don't need to persuade me further, I'm on your side!"
"Perhaps." Xemnas says with a shrug. "Though, perhaps you are still weak when it comes to matters of the heart."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean."
"It means regard your superiors with some sense of dignity, girl." Saix hisses.
"Go to hell, you piece of fuck!" I sneer, and now, Luxord intercedes. He grabs my shoulders and draws me back. "Piss off! You knew about this."
"I was doing my job, as instructed Rueki. We never had any intention to unleash the darkness on your friends. It was merely a test, nothing more." He assures, though the look in Saix's eyes tells me otherwise. Whether Luxord was informed or not… I sincerely do not know.
"Yeah, somehow I think you're the only one who thinks it's 'just a test'." I angle myself a little more in Luxord's direction, whether or not he's a prick he's still the closest thing I have to an ally in this room.
"It shouldn't matter what the order was. If you expect to be kept alive to serve this Organization, when our Superior jumps, you say 'how high'." Saix informs me, with an air that can only be described as self righteous. I want to wipe it off his face so bad.
"Have fun getting your heart back, you prick. Really. Cuz once you get it back, you're going to have burned every single fucking bridge you've ever created." I snort.
"Such wise words, from the woman intent to give her heart to a man without one." Saix rolls his eyes.
"It's really cute how jealous you are. Maybe if you weren't so busy choking on Xemnas' dick, you and Axel could talk about your feelings." I smile, pettily at him. A fire burns beneath his eyes and for a second, I think I have won.
"This is enough, Rueki. We should go." Luxord tries, and I do consider it. I'm about ready to follow him out when—
"I wonder if Amaya will scream when I carve the heart out of her chest." Saix leers.
I rip past Luxord's grasp and lose sight of any and everything logical. I grab a brand new grenade out of my pocket and rip my arm back, sending it flying through the air at Saix. His eyes go wide and he just manages to teleport away as the explosion detonates. My ears ring, suddenly, he's on the floor in front of me. I let out a cry as I go sprinting at him, Survivor ready. Before I can land a blow, a Claymore—a beast of a blade, materializes in Saix's hand and he smashes it into me, sending me straight across the room. I soar through the air and my back smashes into one of the thrones. Pain shoots from head to toe and I feel it throbbing in my spine.
The explosion from the grenade seems to have attracted some attention. I don't think I've ever seen Demyx move so fast, but both he and Xigbar are standing at the doorway.
"Haha! Looks like we got here just as things were getting good." Xigbar chuckles. I right myself and sprint back toward Saix.
"Pathetic, can barely take a hit." He sneers.
"Let's see how good you can take one!" At the last second, I throw myself to the ground, on my back. Momentum drags me the rest of the way forward and I crash into VII, like a bowling ball, knocking him straight to the ground. My recovery time is faster, I hop up and stomp my boot into his chest. Which, of course, only gives him he chance to grab my ankle and flip me over onto the ground. My skull reels with the impact. He stands, drawing his Claymore above his head before smashing it down. I roll away, just in time. I can feel the impact of the weapon on the ground beside me. A dent is left, a crater in the otherwise pristine floor. I leap to my feet and pummel straight into him, keeping the distance between us to a minimum. His weapon is much larger than mine, I just can't let him get enough space to swing on me.
As quick as I can, before he has the chance to teleport half way across the room, I punch, kick, smack, claw, I do anything I can land a blow on him. He grunts and huffs with every hit, before finally, my stamina starts to decline. I'm tried, getting knocked half way cross the room didn't feel fantastic, and he capitalizes on that. He teleports far enough away so that he can slam his Claymore into me. And though my reflexes don't fail me, I jump back just far enough to get smacked in the mouth by the heavy side of his blade.
I feel my jaw dislocate. I hit the ground, mouth slightly parted.
Oh fuck.
Dammit.
I know how to pop my jaw back into socket, but this is going to hurt like a son of a bitch.
"Are you done?" He looks at me smugly. With the heel of my hand, I push my jaw, gently, gently, until a blinding pain takes my breath away. I wiggle my jaw slowly around, having now set it back in place.
"Brave of you to assume I know my limits." I push myself off of my feet.
"If you insist on being a glutton for punishment, I am all too happy to deliver." He replies.
"Whatever, it's your boss's floor." I go sprinting at him again, but this time a pair of small, but surprisingly strong arms lock around me. I kick, trying to force the bearer to let go of me, but they don't.
"Rueki, you're going to get hurt!" Roxas' voice is at my ear and he tightens his arms further around me.
"Little late for that, kid." I murmur.
"Please!" He begs. But Saix looks so smug.
"I'm going to fucking kill him." I snarl.
Xemnas decides that now is an appropriate time to teleport down here with the rest of us peasants. I look around to see that not only has Roxas arrived, but along with the initial duo of Xigbar and Demyx, Xaldin and Xion have arrived as well. Barring Axel, this means I have caused enough of a scene to lure all of the living members of the Organization into one room. Whether this is a blessing or a curse is still to be determined.
"Friends, comrades!" Xemnas holds his hands up. "Look not upon this scene with discomfort or discord. Look for inspiration! How long have you hung your heads, searching for reasons to carry on with our great cause? How long have you dwelled on what you lack, rather than looking toward what you may obtain? Look no further than our dear, Rueki. Have the likes of any of us seen such impassioned combat since losing our hearts? When the void in your chests leaves you hollow, remember not, the dull ache, but think of the rage, of the fire that burns within a heart. Strive to attain it."
"Go to hell, this is not a teaching moment." I spit, thrashing once more in Roxas' arms. He chose a hell of a time to intercede.
"What, then, would you care to call this?" Xemnas takes a step closer to Roxas and I. I grit my teeth.
"Bullshit. You sent me to my home world to recruit my ex, so that you could feel good, like you put me in my place." I growl.
"We sent you out to test your loyalties, as promised by your dear friend Luxord. Or does he no longer have your trust?" Xemnas leans in. My eyes harden.
"It's not him that I have trust issues with." I mutter.
"And of course, you passed our test. Coming back here and giving us a list of reasons as to why he and your friend Amaya were unsuited to become members of the Organization. We never intended to recruit your old friends. We needed to prove you understood just how dire our cause was." Xemnas insists, mostly to just not look like a raging cocksucker to everyone in the room. Although each and every one of them lack the heart to feel sympathy for me. I begin to understand just why he let my fight with Saix raise hell, why he gathered everyone in here. I have been played, used and now, if I dare to disagree, I will be made to look like a fool. No one here has a heart to guide their conscience, no one here will choose heart over head. For as heated as I may get, Xemnas is smart and he will find a way to twist my words in the extreme.
There is no winning this battle for me.
And was it ever a battle in the first place? Or was it simply a sly ploy, a way to show not just me, but every member in the Organization that resistance is futile, rebellion will be snuffed out and free thinking is a fool's errand? This was a way for them to show that they own even me.
I want to say something, anything to retaliate, but every time I open my mouth, all I can think is 'how is he going to skew my words'. At least if I shut the fuck up, I can stay true to myself.
Axel would be proud.
"I'm never fucking going to Transmute City again." I spit, before tearing free from Roxas' grip and stomping out of the room.