XXVIII.
I wake up with Axel's hard cock pressed against my ass. He is so warm, I feel as though my body is melting into him. This is euphoria.
"Good morning." I murmur.
"Good morning yourself." He nips at my ear. "Was hoping you'd be up soon."
"I see you already are." I grind my ass into him. I feel him smile against my skin.
"I didn't get the chance, last night, to show you how much I missed you." He reminds me, his fingers staring to work at unzipping my shorts. A bustier and high waisted shorts may not be the most comfortable thing to sleep in, but that was kind of the point. Up until now, now when I actually have someone who helps keep me tethered and sane.
"Maybe you should now." I reach around to unzip my top and shrug it off. As I do, he catches my hand and pulls it to his erection. Either he was cognitive enough to take his clothes off before he fell asleep last night, or he woke up all too eager this morning. Regardless, I don't care, I just savor the feeling of my palm wrapped around his length.
"Yeah, I was thinking about it." Is all he offers, as he starts to help me out of my shorts. It's a difficult rhythm to keep up, stroking his shaft, pumping my hand up and down his cock, while kicking off the rest of my clothes, but it's a challenge I'm more than up to.
"Mmm, think harder." Is my reply. His lips descend onto my neck, teeth scraping my sensitive skin. I choke, he grins, wicked and wild. Long fingers trace my stomach and dip down low, brushing so delicately against my clit. My hips shift, bucking into his touch as I work his cock, my thumb brushing across the slit of his head, lubricating my hand with precum. He bites and sucks down my neck, my shoulders, the tops of my arms. I swear there's an art in how he teases my clit, the tips of his fingers circling it ever so gently, making my entire body beg for more.
I feel his fingers draw away from me, and though I want to whine in protest, I am not given the chance. He flips my onto my back, my hand falling away from his cock. My eyes go wide as he hovers over me, grinning like the devil himself. My heart races. My man, my love. He stretches long over me, hands sliding up my body, into mine. He laces his fingers through mine as he lines himself up and slips into me. I sigh, eyes fluttering back at how deliciously full I am. I have missed this.
He starts so gently, so tenderly, our foreheads pressed together as he rocks into me, deep and slow. I savor every bit of this, whimpering at the sensation of him pulling out completely before sheathing himself completely. I sigh, wiggling my hands free so that I can wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him impossibly closer to me. He cracks a smile, his lips finding purchase on my neck as he snaps his hips into mine, moving a little harder, a little faster. My breath is stolen, my heart cries out for this.
"Axel." I beg, though I don't know what for. More of him, more of this, more of everything. I don't need to say another word. His body slips down mine, our chests brushing so that he can set my ankles on his shoulders and sink back down into me. At this new angle, he somehow manages to sink deeper into me. I gasp, clawing at the sheets.
"On my back baby." He encourages, so I grasp at the muscles of his back, sinking my nails into his skin. He groans, rolling his shoulders as his hips snap again. "More." I rake my nails down his back, leaving red welts in my wake. He clutches my legs as he pounds into me, harder and deeper with each thrust. When I begin to feel his nails biting into my thighs, I cry out, throwing my head back into the pillow. He digs in further and somehow, that's even better. The tighter he grasps me, the harder he pounds me, the closer I get to the edge. I can feel him start to lose his pace inside of me, his movements become more sporadic and I know what this means. But as always, he refuses to cum before me, and before he is sent over the edge, one hand leaves my legs to tease my clit. I look at him, thinking about how incredibly fucking sexy he is, and how now that he's back, he's not going to be able to keep me off of him. I'm so close and then he says "let me feel you cum around my cock, beautiful." And obediently, I do. I choke on my breath as I clench around him, so fucking tight, so much like it's the very first time. He follows immediately after me, and the entire world shakes around us. It doesn't still again until we do, arms wrapped around each other.
"Sorry." He finally says, when his breath returns. I raise an eyebrow.
"What the fuck do you have to be sorry about?" I ask.
"It's been a long time, didn't last as long as I usually would've." He shrugs, arms still wrapped around me.
"Dear Twilight, Axel. Stop pretending that we don't both know you're perfect. I like you better as a cocky fucker." I tease, leaning up to kiss him on the lips. "Besides, we can always spend the morning making up for lost time."
"No rest for the wicked, sweetheart. You and I both have missions to go on this morning." He taps my nose as he starts to climb off of me
"Or we can just ignore them. Play hooky with me and I promise not to pick any more fights with Saix." I say. Joke's on him though, my fingers are crossed when I say this. He snorts, rolling his eyes.
"Somehow, I doubt that. You want the shower first?" He asks. I pout, climbing out of bed.
"No, you go, you take longer to get ready anyway." I wave him off.
"Do not." But still, he heads into the bathroom anyway. I think to myself how incredibly amusing it would be to show him my pettiness journal. To prove to him that I am not being completely outrageous in my reactions. That it isn't all me, Saix is starting shit too. I yank open the drawer my journal is in, and this time I see too. I blink as I regard the both of them, but open the closest one. I realize immediately that it isn't mine, but Axel's
Try as I may though, I cannot bring myself to put the journal back. He's supposed to be my partner, maybe this will help me trust him more. This isn't a big deal.
'I've lost track of the Keyblade master and the other intruders. Rueki and I are the only ones left in the Castle. Unsurprising, after our week long detour. My orders were to end the traitors, but I think at this point, I fit that bill better than anybody. I look at her though, and I know it's worth it. I wonder how I can feel this way about somebody when I can't feel at all. I used to tell myself that she was fun, that she had my back, I mean, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have had time to search the Castle. But the fact of the matter is, she makes me feel like I have a heart.'
It's sweet, I crack a smile, and for a second, I feel dirty, almost as though I am invading his privacy.
'The longer you know someone the less you need to speak in clear terms. Everything gets across with a wink and a nudge, a little reading between the lines… When it comes to what befell our late comrades at Castle Oblivion, ambiguity suits me just fine. What's more is it keeps her safe. I stand by everything that needed to be done though. Zexion knew too much, at least, I think. I wasn't sure until Shibuya, but if anyone could've figured it out, it would've been him. That would've changed everything, and that's not something I can bare to risk. I look at her and Roxas and how they just come out and say every little thing that comes to mind. Maybe that's human, or maybe that's just what makes them special.'
'Her nightmares have gotten worse. I wonder if perhaps I've broken her. She's still so alive, so much herself, but I wonder what of it is an act and what is just force of habit. We're all creatures of it, especially her. Otherwise she wouldn't be…well, the way she is. I keep telling myself that she shouldn't feel this way, but at this point, I'm convinced she's always going to be a mystery to me. She told me today that we'd be a lot happier if I didn't have to keep secrets from her. I wish she could understand how bad I don't want to. But I think it would destroy her to find out the truth—and why Zexion staying alive would've changed everything.'
The notebook falls out of my hand and clatters to the floor.
No. Please no. Please tell me that I didn't have to kill Zexion just so that Axel could hide more shit from me? So that he could cover his bases and be sure that he could keep his lies in place? I thought that the idea of killing him for Saix was the absolute worst case scenario, but this…?
"Alright, princess, it's all you." Axel's hair is perfectly gelled, he's got his towel wrapped around his waist, but I can barely stand to look at him. My brow comes together, my lips part, my hands shake. "Rueki, what are you—"
"I honestly cannot believe, that I thought, for a whole couple minutes that you weren't lying to me anymore." I shake my head and shove past him. "What the fuck did Zexion know, Axel? And would you tell me why the fuck I had to kill him?
I watch Axel's eyes dart from me, to the notebook on the ground. He meets my glare with a furrowed brow.
"Do you have no respect for anyone's privacy?" He asks. My face burns.
"That's what you're worried about?" I snap. "For your information, I meant to pull my journal out."
"You didn't stop reading when you realized it wasn't yours?" He asks.
"You wrote about me, what did you expect?" I roll my eyes.
"Oh, I don't know." He says with the wave of his hands. "A warm welcome from my girlfriend, a nice mission, back home with my best friend, ice cream at the clock tower. And maybe for you to trust me, after everything we've been through."
"I had to kill Zexion! You made me think that I was the one who made the choice to kill him, but you had worked me from the very beginning, hadn't you?" I ask.
"You're acting like a damn lunatic, Rueki." He shakes his head.
"That's a really great way to make your girlfriend trust you, when she just found out that you're still lying to her, even when you promised you wouldn't!" I throw my hands up.
"It's not a lie, and it's not a new secret! It's the same old thing. Zexion knew before me, what happened in Shibuya, or at least, he implied it." Axel swears.
"Oh, cool, so I murdered someone over an implication. That's fucking great to hear." I set my hand on the bathroom door frame, my entire body shaking. "You know, you're right, my nightmares are fucking terrible. And if it weren't for Roxas, I don't know if I'd have slept at all while you were gone. If it's not nightmares about Zexion fading, it's about Sora turning dark. I hope that makes you feel fucking great about all these secrets you're keeping. I really hope this is worth it Axel, cuz you have fucking broken me. Congradu-fucking-lations." I dart into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. When I have finished my shower, he is gone, and maybe that's for the best. Because I am not even close to ready to offer him forgiveness.
I barely speak to Demyx through clearing out the Heartless from the base of the castle. When we get back, I don't even ask him to open up a portal to the clock tower, though I know Axel and Roxas will be there. He was the one who walked out on me, I'm not going to go crawling back to him. I don't even know if I want to forgive him yet. Everything is still bubbling up inside of me, creeping closer and closer to a boil. How many more wrongs is he able to commit against me before he burns his final bridge and even Shibuya can't save us? The fact that I've let him get this far is terribly unlike me, but love must be rotting my brain.
I stomp by, toward my room, a room I haven't slept in, in months, when I see Xion's door cracked. I hesitate a moment, wondering if I should intercede, if I'm in any mood for it. And then, I decide, fuck it. She's my friend too. Maybe a good bitchfest with a girl will help me sort through my feelings.
I tap at her door, and without looking up, she speaks.
"I told you, Roxas, I don't want to talk!" She huffs, which is adorable, and kind of soothing. Looks like we're both pissed at someone.
"Chin up, kid it's just me." I bump the door open with my hip and offer her a wave. Xion looks up, brow coming together. A sad little half smile touches her features.
"Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn't mean to be short with you." Xion murmurs.
"No worries, if I'm being honest, I'm trying to avoid Axel too. Mind if I come in?" I ask. She shrugs, so I do, shutting the door gingerly behind me. I take a seat beside her on the bed. "Boys." I sigh.
"They're the worst." Xion agrees. I laugh.
"You know, Roxas isn't all that bad. But it is nice to have a girl on my side." I smile at Xion, who bashfully tucks her short hair behind her ear.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Rueki. If I was stuck with just the two of them…" She makes a face. I throw my head back laughing.
"You know, if you'd believe it, I didn't have a lot of friends before coming here." I inform her.
"Really?" Xion asks, and I cannot decide whether it's endearing or annoying that she responds so sincerely. Maybe I miss Axel's dramatics, maybe I miss Roxas' cheekiness. I look at the way that the cool light of the room is hitting her fair skin and thinks she looks more like Amaya than she ever has before. She certainly reminds me of her, and it almost makes me nostalgic for home.
Almost. But this is all Amaya should've been to me. The sweet, little sister type. Xion is Amaya as she should've been.
"Mmmhmm, and that means I didn't have a lot of female friends." I nod. "It's nice to have you now."
"Is it?" She whispers.
"Of course. Xion, are you alright?" I ask, my own displeasure temporarily cast aside.
"Can I be upset without a heart?" She asks me, chewing on her lower lip.
"Oh, Xion, you can be whatever the fuck you wanna be." I squeeze her shoulder. "And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, I'll fight them." She cracks a smile.
"Thank you, Rueki." Though I can tell she doesn't feel much better.
"Tell me what's eating you." I insist. She shrugs. "Axel lied to me. Again." I confide. She looks at me with wide, blue eyes.
"Why would he do that?" She asks. I snort.
"I wish I knew. He says it's to keep me safe, but I honestly just don't think that he can help it anymore. I think he's used to doing whatever he wants to get his way, without caring about what happens to anyone else. I worry that it might be too late for him." And, consequentially for us. As I speak and voice these doubts, my mouth feels dry, as though I have just shoved cotton in it. "It seems like no matter how close we get, no matter how much I feel connected to him and how far we come, he's always got another skeleton lurking in the closet. He promises me he doesn't, but I always find out the truth, and it hurts that much more. Because he acts like it's not important and doesn't understand why it matters so much to me"
"I'm sorry, Rueki. Is that what you meant about having to be patient with him not having a heart?" She asks. I frown.
"Yeah. I guess I'm just not good at being patient." I confess. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"Me either. I'm sorry." She murmurs.
"No, it's okay." I shake my head. "I was telling you because you're my friend. I just wanted someone to listen. You don't have to fix my problems or anything, I just wanted you to know I trust you with what's going on in my life. And you can trust me with what's going on in yours."
She sets her jaw a little and looks forward, upset or irritated, I don't know. And maybe I over stepped my boundaries by trying to push her to share her feelings. Still, I think I would rather beg forgiveness than ask permission.
Xion is quiet for a long time, and her face stays in that tiny little pout until I stand up to leave the room.
"My mission was to confront an imposter. Someone else dressed in our coat. A man with silver hair and a blindfold over his eyes. He called me a sham, told me my Keyblade was a fake." She mutters.
"That bugged you because you had a hard time summoning it a little while ago?" I predict. She nods.
"And, other things too. What gave him the right? I don't know who he is or why he would say that, I don't know him and he doesn't know me! He didn't give me any answers either. I don't want Saix and Xemnas to think I'm weak or useless. And I don't want them to think I'm a sham. I know what they were planning to do to you in Castle Oblivion, because you got in their way, Demyx told me. I don't want that to ever happen to me. I don't want to lose my friends." She finally sighs.
"Xion, I'm sorry." I take a seat again beside her and reach out to squeeze her hand. "But I really don't think you have to worry about that. I'm a special case, honestly. I doubt the higher ups could ever loathe you as much as they do me."
"It's more than just that, Rueki." She insists. "I don't want to be considered a weak point. I don't want to be that useless girl with the sham Keyblade. I want to be worth something. So bad."
I see the frustration on her face, painted on oh so clearly and my heart breaks for this girl. This is not something a fourteen year old should feel she needs to do to earn her keep. She should be worried about if her crush likes her back and if her shoes are out of style or not. I want to imprint onto her, this innocence she has been deprived of, but I realize I don't have it to offer. I am jaded, more so than I could've ever expected I would be, and I thought I was already world weary. Now? I feel it getting worse and worse with every day that I stay here. I reach to her hand and squeeze it gently, though for me or her, I don't know. But I feel if I don't, someone's heart will shatter tonight.
"On our down time, you and I are going to hunt down this imposter." I promise her. "We'll track whoever it is down and prove to them just how worthy you are of your Keyblade."
"But how are we going to do that?" She asks. "I have no idea where he went." I know the answer to this question before she even voices it, and I feel a pit in my stomach. I don't want to go back there but…maybe I don't have to.
"My world is a pit stop amongst worlds. Pilots stop in, go to the bar for the night while their ship gets repaired, and they drink and gamble. You play your cards right and you can get any information you want out of them." I tell her.
"So we're going to your world?" She asks.
"Oh no. Not us."
"I think you owe me, Lux." I say, standing in Luxord's doorway, arms crossed to my chest.
"And what, pray tell, would lead you to believe this?" He asks, without even having the decency to look up from the game of solitaire he plays with himself.
"Don't you even want a challenge?" I ask. He grins, finally looking up.
"Who better to play against?" He asks. I snort, taking this as my opportunity to come through the doorway, closing the distance between us.
"You knew that Xemnas and Saix were sending us to Transmute City. And to come after one of my friends, at that." I remind him.
"Simply doing my job. It was my impression that you considered it to be water under the bridge." He replies, blithely.
"I did." I nod. "But maybe I don't anymore."
"You're an awful liar, love." He snickers.
"Maybe I've forgiven but that doesn't mean I've forgotten. Ask Axel. I hold a hell of a grudge." I take a seat in the chair opposite him, keeping my best poker face on. Trying to out gamble the Gambler of Fate isn't exactly the most surefire thing I've ever done. But Xion needs something to keep her chin up and I need something to distract me from my own anxieties.
"Are you implying that things are anything beyond sublime, between you and VIII?" He raises an eyebrow. I chomp down on the inside of my cheek.
"I'm saying in the past, things have been turbulent." I say very carefully. Axel and I haven't even gotten to talk things over, the last thing I'm going to do is confide in Luxord, who I like, but am unsure if I trust or not. Besides, the last thing I want to do is deal with these feelings. This was supposed to be a distraction, a chance to stop my hands from shaking. One less moment where I will feel betrayed. "He knows better than anyone else that I'm a force to be reckoned with."
"And while I'm sure that is the case, you've left me quite unshaken, Rueki, doll. As far as I am concerned, we are even, after all, were it not for me, you might still be chasing VIII like a helpless animal, convinced that one day he might reciprocate your feelings." He replies with the wave of his hand. I could slap him.
"Are you trying to be a dick?"
"Are you attempting to do your beau proud in an attempt to manipulate me? Because I'm afraid, if so, it is all for naught." Fuck him.
"You're my friend."
"And unfortunately I do not have the heart to feel the guilt you're trying to push onto me. Apologies, love." He shrugs.
"What if I complete your missions for you? Double down and do both our jobs?" I ask. He scoffs.
"Truly, do you think that all of us are as lax as the Nocturne?" Luxord asks. "I don't mind doing my job."
"What do you want then, Luxord?" I ask, heaving a sigh. He meets me with a wicked grin.
"That will be for me to know, and for you, dear Rueki, to find out."
I am alarmed by how forthcoming Luxord is when I tell him the favor I want of him. His only request is that I accompany him, which I hoped to avoid, but maybe we can kill two birds with one stone and I can extinguish my new debt to him. Unhelpfully though, I feel more apprehension coursing through my veins, as though I am not already worried enough. My palms twitch with anticipation as we walk through portal and into Transmute City. Once again, I find myself thankful for the trench coat, because the icy wind whips past me and knocks my hood off. Luxord flinches as his follows in turn.
"You couldn't perhaps, be looking for gamblers with secret information on a tropical island?" He asks. I snort.
"It can't be that easy." But it's easy enough finding our way into the basement of a dive bar, where a poker game is already in full swing. Fortunately, it is warm in the basement, at least warmer than it was outside, and I'm able to shrug off my coat. Like a pack of hungry wolves, every set of eyes in the room turns to me, which is sad, because I have about as much sex appeal as a bowl of oatmeal. The bustier and short shorts help, I guess. But uncomfortable or not, this is part of the plan. Luxord sets a hand on my shoulder, I lean into him, giving the room, what I think is a flirtatious glance, until a grizzled man calls out to us.
"Hey, blondie, why don't you and trench coat join us over here?" The man calls. He's probably only in his late twenties but looks like he's in his early forties. He's got a cigarette lit between his lips and a shot glass at the edge of the table. Typical pilot, seriously.
"We'd be delighted to, my good lad." Luxord replies and he sweeps me over to the table. We stand beside grizzly.
"You mind telling me your name, angel?" Grizzly asks me and I have to chomp down on the inside of my cheek to bite back a retort. Charming, Rueki, you have to act charming. Still, part of me wants to correct him and tell him that I only respond to princess or sweetheart.
"I'm Dulor. The cute one is Del." Luxord replies, which I suppose is all for the best, still to have someone call me by my ex's name is definitely going to be hard. But I know the plan. Gamble hard, play aggressively for information, and if munny doesn't tantalize this gambler enough, I have to put something better on the table. The deed to the Gummi Repair shop. Which of course I have a copy of, and of course mine, Del and Amaya's names are on. So I need to go by one of them, and to keep things on the down low, we've got to use code names. Maybe it's stupid to trust Luxord so wholeheartedly with something I have no intention of actually giving away, but I don't think so. He's the Gambler of Fate, he never loses anything. Well, he lost one game of chess to me, but I'm also certain that he allowed that to happen.
"Del, that short for something?" Grizzly asks. I just shrug. "Well I'm Lou."
"A pleasure, of course, Lou." Luxord replies. "Isn't that right, Del, love?" Luxord asks me. I just giggle stupidly and start playing with my hair. This is so cringe worthy, I don't know why Luxord couldn't have just done this himself. Actually I do, these guys are like vultures, I've seen plenty like this in my time at the shop. They're vultures but they're a very exclusive clique. Usually it takes a pair of tits to infiltrate their ranks, though I guess they'll just have to settle for my abundance of ass.
"Well Dulor, Del, we're playing Black Jack over here. You game?" Lou asks.
"Always." Luxord replies, and though he works hard to keep his face perfectly neutral, I notice a devilish glint in his eye. Hell yeah, there's my friend.
"Then we'll start the bid at oh, 10,000 munny? That sound reasonable?" I know Lou is highballing to test Luxord, but thankfully, a skilled gambler knows how to keep his face composed.
"I'm not so much interested in munny, but in information. Sound reasonable?" Luxord counters. I watch Lou look him over with hardened eyes before knocking his shot back.
"What kind of information?" Lou asks.
"We're looking for a friend of ours." I reply in the most giggly, girly tone possible, leaning forward, towards Lou in a way that I think is seductive. It seems to work well enough, because Lou can barely keep his mouth shut as he drinks me in. "Someone else in a black coat. Silver hair, wears a blindfold. Do you happen to know anything?" I bat my eyelashes.
"Hmm, blindfold, silver hair." Lou taps his chin. "Maybe. What's such a pretty face like yours hanging out with a bunch of men in trench coats for?" He asks.
"Now, now, Lou. You mustn't shame the girl for the crowd she runs with." Luxord replies with the wave of his hand.
"It's just family business." I reply, batting my lashes again. If he thinks I'm a spoiled brat who comes from money, maybe that'll lead him to flap his jaw a little more.
"And here you are, mixing business with pleasure." Lou says.
"I guess I'm just good at finding a balance." I bat my eyes and lean back further into Luxord. He responds perfectly, throwing an arm around me. I giggle and Lou turns a shade of red that I didn't think a grown man could possibly turn.
"Well, say, I might just know something about a man with a blindfold and silver hair." Lou remarks with a greasy smile as his eyes linger on me a little too long. "What do you have to offer?"
"We have plenty of munny." I reply, still trying to play the bimbo.
"So do I. You think you're the only one that comes from money, Del?" He asks, taking a drag of his cigarette. He blows a ring of smoke into my face, but I don't even flinch. If only this fucker knew who I shared a bed with. Not that Luxord isn't intimidating, but there's something a lot deadlier in Axel's very presence. And the more I think about my boyfriend, the more I wish he was the one with me here now. Running these games, toying with people, using all of his manipulation in my favor. I think that would make me feel a lot better about our fight and about our relationship. But Luxord is the Gambler, so obviously the better choice in this situation. "No, if we're not playing for the usual winnings, then I want my prize to be something a little more…enticing as well."
"What did you have in mind?" Luxord asks, and I could hit him. No. I don't want to gamble the deed away if I can help it.
"A night with the girl." Is Lou's absolutely disgusting reply. And this time, I cannot keep up my charming, ditzy façade.
"It's not for sale." I snarl, my lips curling over my teeth like a wild animal.
"Del." Luxord warns and for a second, I forget that is my pseudonym.
"Then I guess the information isn't for sale." Lou replies.
"Fine, you can have a night with me. But the only thing I enjoy doing to men is pegging." I hiss. Lou's face loses color and he chokes on a puff of smoke.
"You've got something poison under the surface that you don't show just anyone, don'tcha Del?" He asks. The words strike a cord in me. He's not the first man to say something like that to me, and things didn't exactly end well for Marluxia, maybe Lou should think twice before opening his mouth again.
"If you want to play for something more enticing, we'll play for this." I retrieve the deed from the pocket of my weapons pouch, eyes narrowed into slits. I know I have taken the bait, but this guy has gone and pissed me off, and he's fucked if he thinks that he's going to beat Luxord in anything. I throw the deed down onto the table and watch Lou's greedy eyes flash. "I own the local Gummi Repair Shop. You're a pilot? It's stocked to the nines. Anything your heart could desire is in there. All you have to do is beat us and it's all yours."
"You drive a hard bargain." Lou laughs. "You gotta keep a better leash on your bitch, Dulor. Or she's going to gamble away your life."
"So you'll play then?" Luxord asks, ever the diplomat. He keeps a tight arm around me, likely because he knows it isn't unlike me to reach across the table and punch this dude in the throat.
"Sure. You want information, and I wouldn't complain about taking this bitch's shop. Sounds like a done deal." Lou laughs.
"Let's just do this." I grumble. Luxord flashes me a very reassuring look.
"One hand, winner takes all." Lou says. My stomach momentarily drops, but then I remember who I am here with. Lady Luck is practically on her knees, sucking him off 24/7. We'll be fine. Still, this new anxiety is hard as hell to handle. With the deed on the line I have all but forgotten my anger with Axel.
The dealer spits out a hand of cards. A Jack for Lou, a Queen for Luxord. Not that face cards have differing values, but I still feel quite smug at having a higher face card. And then another deal. Luxord gets a King. Lou gets a 9. My heart flutters in my chest. We've won. Of course, by rule, Lou will have to take another hit, and then, he'll bust. I look to Luxord, my heart about to burst.
"Don't be singing his praises just yet, Del. I'm feeling lucky tonight. Hit me." Lou says
The dealer throws down a 2.
We get a 7. Bust.
My heart stops.
"No." I whisper.
"Oh yes, missy. Shoulda been a little kinder when I offered you a night with me. Then you could still be in charge of daddy's business." Lou blows a puff of smoke in my face. My hands shake. Luxord grips me tighter, but I barely pay attention. I get tunnel vision, my peripheral vision goes blurry as I struggle to breathe.
"What happened. We can't, Lux—"
"Del, we should get going." Luxord presses his fingers into my arm in an attempt to shock me back to reality. I forget about code names, I forget myself, my throat constricts and I can feel tears start to prick at my eyes.
"The deed." I sputter.
"Is mine. Pleasure doing business with you, gorgeous." Lou smacks my ass as he traipses proudly away from the table and back up the stairs, out the door of the bar.
My entire body vibrates in Luxord's arms.
"How could we lose? How could you lose?" This isn't anxiety anymore, it is full blown panic. The tears start to fall, and all I can think is there I went, and completely handed away Del and Amaya's only source of income. My friends are going to starve and lose their home because of me. Some asshole has the deed to my store, because I was reckless and thirsty for information. I took his bait. At least if I put my body on the table, maybe I could've beaten him up and gotten away.
"Rueki, love, not here." Luxord whispers so that no one else can hear the use of my name. He guides me up the stairs, and I move, with heavy limbs, like a robot. What have I done? Completely destroyed old friends to potentially save a new one?
"They're going to starve because of me. They are going to die because of me." Visions of Zexion flash before my eyes, his hand disappearing in a cloud of darkness. I choke back a sob that is only cut off when we come into contact with the night time air. The streets are dark, and it feels symbolic of my friends' future.
"Not necessarily." Luxord says. My eyes go wide, my pupils like pinpricks.
"What?"
"I can't believe you didn't notice." He mutters.
"What?" I ask.
"Lou was cheating." He says. I could vomit. My stomach lurches. I tear away from him and press my palms into the walls of the alleyway, trying to center myself.
"We've got to find him." I choke as breath starts to come a little easier. Zexion's face fades from my mind's eye, I swallow my tears.
"And do what?" He asks.
"I don't know?" I shake my head, standing up tall. "Confront him, force his hand."
"And are you prepared to do more than just force his hand if needed?" He asks. "I don't think he will be so easy to persuade." I don't love the implications of his words, but I know he's right. This might end in a fight.
"When have you known me to back down from a challenge?"
Finding Lou is easy. He is drunk and boisterous, harassing a group of teenagers down by the river. He leaves a cloud of smoke in his wake. I wouldn't hate the idea of punching him.
"Hey, asshole!" I call out, once we get close enough to him that I know he won't be able to outrun me. The teenagers do flee though, as fast and far as they can.
"Ohohoho." Lou laughs. "You come to beg to me, Del?" He asks.
"My name's not Del." I hiss. "And you didn't earn that. You cheated."
"Whatever, bitch. Whine all you want, you're not getting the fucking deed back. Shouldn'ta been such a cunt to me, should you?" He asks.
"Oh, you want to see me being a cunt? Because I can show you that." I snap, teeth clanking together.
"We're quite aware that you bribed the dealer, Lou. Your skills in subtlety are not exactly supreme." Luxord says.
"I dunno what the fuck you're talking about." Lou slurs, with an aggressive wave of his hand. "You've got a set on you, accusing me of cheating. You lost, suck it up."
"No, you're a drunk piece of shit who thought it was completely acceptable to cheat someone out of what was rightfully theirs." I snap.
"And you're just a stupid slut who thinks flashing her tits to people will get her what she wants, and when it doesn't, she's gotta throw a tantrum." Lou counters.
"You have absolutely no idea how sick I am, of people calling me a slut." I shake my head as I stomp over to him, something deadly in my eyes.
"You pissed because it's true, bitch?" He asks. I close the distance between us, cranking my arm back before my fist connects with his face. He blinks at me, clutching his cheek in one hand. "Shoulda kept your girl in line, she's gonna have to learn the hard way." Lou says to Luxord before his hands close around my throat. He lifts me high into the air, but my legs flails forward, and I kick him square in the groin. He releases me, clutching his loins as I hit the ground.
"I think she has the situation perfectly under control." Luxord replies and I smirk.
"You stupid fucking skank." Lou lunges at me and knocks us both onto the ground. His big fist flies forward. I turn my head away as quick as I can and narrowly miss his hit. My heart hammers in my chest.
"Get the fuck off of me." I jerk my hips and twist them, knocking him straight off me. He makes a noise as I stand above him, my boot on his chest. "Give me the fucking deed, you pig." I spit.
He takes my ankle and throws me into the ground. I land, with a cry, on my face, against the dirt. This fucker is trying to test me.
"I won it, fair n' square. Stop crying and accept it. You gambled away your daddy's company." He taunts.
"It's not my dad's it's my friends'! That's the only fucking thing they have to pay their bills, without that shop, they'll starve!" I cry out, standing and facing him, as he dusts himself off. My eyes burn. A slow snarl creeps across his features before he throws his head back laughing.
"Oh damn. Then won't it just be too funny, watching your little friends beg on the streets for scraps of food. If frostbite doesn't get them first in this shit hole. And all because you were too dumb to keep what matters close. You must be one hell of an ice cold bitch." And maybe I am. Because the ice inside of me cracks. It shatters and splinters and beneath it all is magma. I leap at him, swinging Survivor back. I smash it into him. He hits the ground with a cry, his eyes going wide. With heavy arms, he swings at me, but I am seeing red. I barely notice his movements, my adrenaline has kicked in, and unlike with him, alcohol hasn't slowed my reactions. I bob and weave as I beat into him, clashing, crashing, slashing my claw at him. He's beaten, he's bloody and begging by time I am done.
"Stop, stop!" He wails. "Take the fucking deed, you fucking psycho!" With shaking hands, he pulls the deed out of his pocket. I snatch it back, jaw set, my shoulder still trembling with rage.
"Let's go." I whisper to Luxord as I storm away from Lou.
"I saw the address on that deed. I promise you, bitch, I'm going to be paying them a visit for what you just did! Think about that and try to sleep at night." Lou barks out. I turn to see him start to sit up on the ground, but he doesn't stay that way for long.
I want to say it is a difficult decision, I want to say it breaks me down further.
But it doesn't. If it is this asshole or Del and Amaya, I will choose them every time.
They say it gets easier after your first.
I whip around, and with my claw, slit his throat open.
He gurgles and wheezes as he bleeds out on the ground. I don't even realize the gravity of my actions until after they are done.
I feel as though all of the air has been stolen from this world. I clutch my chest and try to catch my breath. It keeps escaping me though, and my body begins to spasm. My stomach lurches, and I scream.
"Dammit!" Not again. Not another cause for nightmares. Not another scratch against me on the list of wrongs I have committed. No matter what I do, I keep catching myself straying further, telling myself that if this is for my friends, it is fine. But it isn't. I am not fine. I turn to Luxord with wild, guilty eyes and find, to my utter horror, that he is grinning.
"Thank you for the information, Rueki love." He says, before waving his hand to open a portal.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I choke out.
"Lou wasn't the one counting cards, I was. To make sure that we lost. The Superior was wondering if perhaps you had any hand in the deaths at Oblivion, or if it was split perfectly between Sora and VIII. Of course, you don't volunteer anything willingly beyond a sarcastic comment. So, when you needed a favor from me, I decided to call it even for us and cash in on some information from you, willing or not. You see, Rueki, a gamble is worth nothing, if there is no risk involved." He informs me.
My throat clenches up, my stomach drops and hits the ground.
"You fucking bastard." I breathe. "You tricked me. I thought we were friends!"
"What do you intend to do love, kill me? Twilight knows it wouldn't be the first or even the second time you have. And we are friends. But business is business, Rueki. I'm sure you understand." He shrugs.
But I don't.
I guess I don't understand anything anymore. I don't feel anything, except pent up self hatred, desperate to get out. What have I done? Who have I become? All at the hands of having the best intentions, I have been tricked, taught that I am not nearly as smart as I thought I was. I truly have become cold, but in the face of those without a heart, I wonder if this is a result of their manipulations, or if I am a monster that just needed a push.
He departs through the portal. I stare after him for far too long. So long that I'm surprised that it doesn't close up behind him. With a trembling body, finally, I find my legs, my very being desperate to find the one thing that will make me feel safe. The one person who I will always call home.
I walk into Axel's room. He's sitting on the bed, head in his hands, and as I enter the door, his eyes go wide, like a heavy weight has finally been lifted off of his shoulders.
"Where have you been?" Axel's tone has no accusations in it, only worries. If my heart could break any further, I think it would. I'm all weariness, complete exhaustion as I sulk over to him, taking a seat in his lap. "I was so scared, Rueki, you can't do that to me!"
"Sorry." I mutter, hollowly. He must mistake this as anger.
"Listen, I'm sorry that you had to find out about Zexion that way. I'm sorry that you had to play a hand in killing him, you shouldn't have been involved in that, but dammit, Rueki, I'm keeping this secret to keep you safe! No one is going to jeopardize your life, not him, not anyone, got it memorized?" He asks. I just nod, limply, because all of that is so unimportant right now.
"I forgave you hours ago." I say. Finally he seems to understand that my mood is not about him, his brow creases.
"Rueki, where have you been?"
"Too many places." I sigh. "Xion's going through some shit, I tried to help her, I ended up having to ask Luxord a favor. He's a fucking dick, in case you weren't aware."
"Well, I guess I owe him if he got your mind off of being mad at me." Axel says carefully. I shake my head.
"I'm done being mad at you. The only time you keep things from me is when it benefits my best interests." And someone that I once called a friend kept things from me for his benefit, solely. If he tries to look at me and say it was all business, again, I'm going to…
Do nothing.
He hasn't driven me to anything I haven't done before. It's not like he damaged me in a way that I haven't already damaged myself, so what the fuck does it even matter? I'm not angry anymore, I'm just spent. None of this is fair. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore, apparently I thought it was okay to end someone's life over a fucking card game. Was Luxord wicked for using me? And am I just as bad for going the distance that I did? How can I blame someone without a heart, without a moral compass to begin with? I think that my friend might be unsalvageable, but Axel isn't. Every time he crosses the line, I pull him back in and he tries so hard to right is wrong. Maybe there's no such thing as good and evil, just people who try and people who are past the point of no return.
It makes me wonder how close I am to that line and how desperately I need to do something about it. Something is terribly wrong with this Organization, something the higher ups are utilizing to their advantage, if they are not solely responsible for it. I'm not going to be a pawn to it, and I'm surely not going to stay in the dark. Whatever they have planned for me, I'm sure they won't tell Axel. So it's going to have to be up to me to figure out what the hell is going on.
"Rueki, what happened?" He asks.
"It doesn't matter." I shake my head. "All that matters is that something here needs to change."
"Exactly. That's why Saix and I have our plans: find out Xemnas' true agenda and use that as leverage to stage a coup." He nods.
"Do you really think he's on your side anymore?" I ask, flatly. His face falls ever so slightly, but he doesn't answer. "I'm sorry, I think that's on me, but I think whatever alliance you had, I have sufficiently shit all over. It seems like it's his mission now to break me."
"Rueki, I don't think—"
"Luxord and I went out to Transmute City to find out information for Xion. My hand was forced, I gambled the deed to the Gummi Repair Shop Del, Amaya and I own. Luxord threw the game and pretended his opponent was cheating, to force us into a confrontation. I killed him, to keep that deed safe. And in the end, Luxord revealed it was all just a ploy to test my reaction. The higher ups wanted to know if any of the deaths in Oblivion were by my hand. Now they know." I blurt. Axel just sits there, looking at me, for the first time since I have known him, he seems to be at a loss for words.
"I'll fucking kill him." Is what he finally decides on, and he pulls me up off of his lap so that he can sit up. I shove him back down, all the way onto his back so that he's laying flat on the bed.
"What the fuck is that gonna do, Axel?" I snap. "You kill him? Cool, there's more blood on our hands and your damn boss has an excuse to call us traitors and destroy us. Is that what you want? Besides, he's just the messenger."
"They won't destroy you. Xemnas needs you alive too bad." Axel insists.
"For what?" I ask.
"Your connection with Sora. He plans to use it to manipulate him into taking out Heartless for us, if he wakes." Axel says.
"If?" I ask.
"Their plan is for him not too. I just found out. They think he's too much of a wild card. I don't know how they plan to see all of this through, we don't even know where he's at. But the goal from the very start in Castle Oblivion was to get him out of our hair." Axel confesses. My hands ball into fists on his chest.
"Why? He'll defeat Heartless, I've already told you, he's a good kid!" I insist.
"You've got me sold, Rueks. But I'm not the one you need to convince." He says.
"I don't think that's it. Otherwise, why would they need leverage over me, why would they have to gather information about what happened in Oblivion? I want you guys to get hearts just as much as you do. You are all the leverage they need on me." I remind him. His brow knits together.
"Whether you like him or not, sweetheart, I think Saix is on to something about Xemnas having a hidden agenda." He reminds me.
"Yeah, one that he's part of now." I hiss.
"You don't know that for sure." He tries.
"What the hell keeps you clinging to him? He's a dick!" I snap.
"You didn't grow up with him, Rueki. At least, you don't remember any of what he was like beforehand. He's smart, quiet, he always has been. He's gotta do the things he does, the higher up he gets, the easier it'll be to take Xemnas down. You think it was easy for him to get to second in command? Cuz it wasn't, got it memorized. Now all we need to do is find out what Xemnas is keeping from the rest of us, and then we'll use it against him. We're so close." He assures me.
"Have I told you before that you're naïve?" I ask.
"Have I told you before that you're a cynic?" He counters. And just when I was thinking that I wasn't so very suspicious of others, all of this has to happen. Maybe there's no changing who I am.
"I think you can't count on him as an ally anymore." I admit. "And I really don't think you can trust your boss. We need an exit plan."
"I told you already, you're safe." Axel promises. "Why do you think I was okay leaving you on this solo mission? After I revealed to Xemnas what I learned in Shibuya, his entire attitude changed. He wants you alive."
"Because he thinks he can break me. They sent me to Transmute City, while you were gone. To do recon on Del, to see if he was fit do join the Organization." I inform him.
"You're fucking kidding me." He breathes, I watch his hands ball into fists. For all of the nonchalance he feigns, I forget, just what kind of fire is burning inside of him.
"And then, they told me it was a test, to see if I was loyal to them. Xemnas made the entire thing a spectacle, Saix gave me hell for it, and we fought. Then, Xemnas turned that into a 'teaching' moment, so that he could remind the others of what it looked like to have a heart, and to never forget 'that rage'." I find myself getting angrier as I think about it and I have to chomp down on the inside of my cheek to not react. Axel, however, is reacting.
"I can't fucking believe him." Axel shakes his head, a venom creeping into his voice. "He promised you'd be safe, no matter what."
"I'm alive." I remind him. "I highly doubt my mental health is anything that anyone except maybe you, Roxas or Xion give a single shit about. Maybe Demyx, I don't know. You're the only one I know I trust."
"I don't think exiting is an option. Ever. Deserting isn't really tolerated at all." Axel sighs. "What we need is to be more aggressive, trying to figure out what Xemnas is doing."
"You can't trust Saix for help." I press.
"And you can't fight him, if it comes down to it. You need to play the game too, Rueki. Act smart about this until we gather more intel." He replies. He's right, of course. I hate it, mostly because I hate Saix, but there are other, more important things that fighting him. I nod.
"And then you get your heart back. We take care of all of this, you get your heart, and you tell me this big secret?" I ask.
"I swear to you, Rueki. The second I have my heart, I won't keep one more thing to you. I wasn't lying, this is the only thing I have hidden." He assures me.
"Fine. Where do we start." I ask.
"Oblivion. I don't think the castle has given up all of its secrets yet. That's part of what took me so long there. I looked for that chamber again, I can't find anything." He sighs.
"What if we don't find it, Axel? We can't keep looking blindly all over that place." I say.
"I've got other ideas, but next time I go to Oblivion, you're coming with me. That's non negotiable, got it memorized?" He taps my temple.
"Other ideas. That's not helpful." I grumble.
"Hollow Bastion. Our home world, but that's not something I want to risk unless it's absolutely necessary." He admits.
"Why?"
"It just isn't." He says. "There are some memories there that I don't want to revisit." And I think of how I am the reason he doesn't have a heart, I suppose I probably shouldn't press him further.
"I missed you today." I whisper. "I'm gonna start helping Xion do recon on this imposter after missions, since today yielded nothing. But I really just am excited to finally have a moment with you. It's been too damn long."
"You're telling me." He squeezes me impossibly closer. "I missed you the entire time I was at Oblivion. Every room I went through was like a walk down memory lane. I thought about you and me, and what I would've done different if I had a say. I used to be so sure of myself, and everything I did. That the ends would justify the means, but looking at you…well, it doesn't seem like they do anymore. And then you come at me, first thing with a damn guilt trip. Fuck, Rueki, I didn't know who I was angrier at: you or me."
"Well stop being mad at you." I plead. "We can't go back and change anything, all we can do is move forward."
"You know, you've changed." He tells me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
"You have too." I remind him. "I look at you, and I can tell that I'm important to you, that you genuinely want us to be happy. It makes it a lot easier to want to forgive you." He snickers.
"That's exactly what I was getting at. The girl I met months ago was a lot more defensive than this. She never would've let me in this far. And she never would've let her anger go." He informs me, and I think he's right.
"Maybe that's growing up." I shrug.
"I dunno, I like to think I had a little bit of a hand in things." He grins.
"Eh, probably. But your ego is already so big, I don't need to fluff it any further." I wave my hand. He laughs, kissing my forehead.
"Oh, it's my ego that's big?" He scoffs.
"And your dick." I say, with a completely straight face. He looks in my eyes for a second and that's all it takes for the two of us to burst out laughing.