XXXI.
Axel comes to the conclusion quickly that it doesn't matter what Xion is, that they are friends, that none of this matters. I wish I had the same resolve.
Instead, my dreams dive deeper, deeper into Sora's memories. I have to watch my three friends smile and eat ice cream on top of the clock tower, like nothing is wrong. My reservations are stressful at best. This shouldn't be something that crosses my mind, this shouldn't be something that weighs heavy on me. This shouldn't be happening.
Instead, now, when I look at Xion, I see Sora's face, his eyes, his smile and a pleading desperation behind it all for my help. I understand, of course, why Naminé connected my heart with the Keybearer's. I don't want to make this choice, a friend for a friend, but despite it all, I know the right one. Sora must prevail.
I drop off the face of existence, finding myself in the library more often than not, nose in a book, trying to find something, anything, a loophole that will dissuade me in any way. I don't want to be the one to pull this trigger. They say after your first kill, it gets easier. I know that is true, but I have never looked in the eyes of a friend and watched them die before. I don't think I'm nearly cold enough to be the girl for that job. Not for the first time, since arriving here, I wish I didn't have a heart.
"Did I do something wrong?" I whip around to see Axel sitting on a table in the library, having just teleported in. My stomach drops, but I suppose better him than Roxas or Xion. I don't think I could stand to look at either of them right now.
"No." I say, flatly, setting my book back on the shelf.
"You know, Roxas has been worried about you, you haven't been coming for ice cream for almost two weeks now." Axel reminds me, as though I need it. Thirteen days.
"Roxas worries too much." I counter.
"I'm worried about you too." I hear him pick himself up from the table. He closes the distance between us, wrapping his arms tightly around me, his chest to my back, his chin on top of my head.
"I said you didn't do anything wrong, so stop worrying and just leave it alone." I mutter.
"What the hell has gotten into you, sweetheart?" He sighs. "Does this have something to do with the empathy link? If Sora's heart is asleep, does that mean yours is too?" I don't know if he's trying to joke with me, but I don't particularly love it.
"Sora is in the position he's in because of us. And now, there's a replica draining his memories, preventing Naminé from restoring them. So yes, I'm a little bit focused on trying to fix that." I bite back. His arms don't fall away from me and I am a little bit impressed by that. But right now, I am not completely satiated by his endurance.
"Actually, Sora is in the position he's in because of Naminé. It's her job to figure out how to fix him, not yours. And the fact that you're looking at our best friend like she's a monster is—"
"Who's face do you see on her?" I ask.
"What are you talking about?" He asks me.
"I used to see Naminé's. Then it became a girl with short dark hair, and now it's Sora's face." I say. "I look at her, and I hear her voice, but I see his hair, his face, his expressions and I can't unsee that, Axel. I can't look at her and not feel like this is my fault."
"Your guilty conscience is getting the best of you, Rueks." He unwraps his arms from me and spins me around by my shoulders so that I'm facing him. His hands stray down to my hips, where he holds me in place.
"Probably." I agree. "But so much has happened because I've let you or Luxord or Xemnas manipulate me. I get blind sighted, I think I'm in the right but once it's too late, I realize I'm in the wrong. I can't keep letting bad things happen because I think I'm doing right by my loved ones. This isn't about friends or enemies, this is about doing what's right. And maybe that's why Naminé did this to me, because she knew I'd eventually stop being so blinded by my heart and figure that out."
"Or, maybe she did it because she's another person using you, did you ever think about that?" He asks, his eyes deadly serious, his tone rising a bit with agitation.
"She's a child." I remind him.
"She's a child who chose to follow Marluxia's plan and warp Sora's memories past the point of no return, stop forgetting about that." He insists.
"She was held captive by you people, what was she supposed to do?" What was I supposed to do? What am I still supposed to do? I feel so misguided, so empty.
"Gee, princess, I really appreciate being roped in with everyone else." He rolls his eyes.
"So let's leave. When all of this gets figured out and Sora has his memories back. Let's get the hell out of here." I plead, gripping the fabric of his coat.
"I already told you, that's not possible." He shakes his head.
"Then I don't know what to do." I sigh. "If Xion is standing in the way of Sora getting his memories back, then something needs to be done. And there's no silver lining at the end of this."
"What are you going to do, Rueki, kill her?" He looks utterly disgusted at me, and I am beyond pissed at that. How many members of his own Organization did he eliminate without a second thought? All in the name of doing right by his boss. If I have to make a hard decision to do right by someone who is the epitome of good, does that really make me less than him?
"Not if I can help it." I confess. "That's why I'm in here, I'm trying to figure out what can be done to sever the chain of their memories without destroying either of them. Maybe if I bring something like that to Naminé she will know what to do."
"Not if you can help it…" He whispers. "I can't believe we're even having this conversation all based on a dream you had, what have you done with the girl I fell in love with?" I reach out and slap him. I don't even have to think about it. I tear away from him.
"Fuck you." I spit. "How dare you for try to make me feel worse about this. You don't think this is already hard on me? She's my friend too, I was the one who spent weeks hunting down an imposter that gave her a complex. I'm doing everything I can, Axel. But some boy shouldn't have to spend his life in a pod because a human doll is intercepting his memories."
"Is that really what you think of those of us who are hollow, Rueki? That we're nothing but a group of puppets?" He drawls, lips curled over his teeth like a feral animal.
"Stop roping yourself in like you are in the same boat she's in. You're not hurting anyone by existing." I counter.
"You're the damn one who said that I was 'one of them, make up your mind." He waves his hand at me. "The fact of the matter, Rueks, is that I don't exist. I just am. And I don't have a right to be. No, Xion doesn't, but neither do I, neither does Roxas, neither does Naminé." He reminds me, as though I need it. "So you want to gun her down so that your little friend can get his heart back, I won't stop you. But don't forget, the same can be said for any of us. What's stopping you from killing the rest of us, to tip the scales of darkness from the universe? Do whatever the hell you want though, Rueki, I won't stop you." But he won't look at me the same either. I hate how much that bothers me. I set my head in my hands, trying not to cry, not again, not in front of him.
"I don't want to kill anyone. I never should've had to in the first place." I whisper.
I swear I can tangibly feel the tension in the air begin to thicken.
"Is that how it's going to be?" He asks. I peek out from between my fingers. I hate that his face is crumpled. Not angry, just disappointed.
"This is hard enough already, okay?" I ask. "Please just…don't make me feel any worse about it." My voice is small, yielding, everything that I don't want it to be.
"Oh Rueki." He sighs
"You're not like her, Axel. Please don't…not that she's a bad person, I don't even care that she's a replica, I just can't…" My knees buckle, my hands fall away from my face, I chew my lip. He reaches out to take my hand in his. His warmth is soothing, but it isn't enough. I feel a tear slide down my cheek. His eyes widen at the sight.
"Rueki." He breathes my name and pulls me into a tight hug. I bury my face into his chest and weep.
"This isn't fair!" I wail. "This isn't fucking fair, fuck Naminé for putting this on me! How the hell did she think that I'd be able to shoulder any of this? She said herself, the darkness was getting to be too much for my heart, why should I just have to keep on taking it?" My voice is a scream at the end of my rant, muffled only by Axel's body. My form shakes beneath his touch, I want to reach out to wrap my arms around him, but the very effort seems too much for me to handle.
"I know." He whispers.
"Xion is my fucking friend! She's my friend, whatever happens to her shouldn't have to be at my hands, I still have a heart to break, why did it have to be me that gets pushed over the edge?" I shout. Axel is quiet for a very long moment. When he does speak, his eyes look so guilty, so empty and broken. His fingers dance down my body, lingering on my hip, where he previously scarred me.
"I wondered, for a moment, if I got my heart back when I touched you that first time in here." Axel says, looking to the library around us. His thumb rubs circles around my hip. "I had never heard of anyone becoming a slave to their own element, like I did. It felt like I didn't have control of myself anymore, that all that was left of me was fire. I couldn't control fire before I lost my heart, so I figured, hey, maybe this is it. My body gives me one last hoorah, my heart is restored, and all thanks to this pretty girl who's face looks so familiar to me. That's why I was really into finding out who you were to me. You know, I don't give the full treatment to just anyone."
"The full stalker treatment?" I ask, a smile playing at the edge of my lips, despite it all.
"It's not stalking if you enjoyed it, Rueks." He laughs, and I find that the sound starts to thaw my insides, warming my heart, willing the fractured pieces back together. "Of course, I didn't get my heart back, I realize that the second I opened up a portal into the darkness. No such luck for me, I guess. But I wondered, what the hell, then, if I didn't get my heart back? It wasn't like I burnt you on purpose, and even at the very beginning of being a Nobody, I never had any issues controlling the flames. I thought, hey, maybe it was you, maybe it's something that happens when we have sex. So I brought you back into my room, a little controlled experiment. And damn, how many times did we go at it after they announced I'd be chaperoning you? But still, nothing. I asked Saix, and he told me to stay away from you, that this was probably a sign that my shell was getting worn out. That I shouldn't waste my energy on you. But at that point, you already had me hooked, princess. So whatever it is on your hip, I may never know. And I'm sorry that you were marked but, all I'm getting at is…You can keep getting dented up. You can keep falling apart, you can always fall apart around me, you told me you could shoulder my troubles, well guess what? It goes both ways. I might not know the right words to say, it doesn't come nearly as easily to me as it does to Roxas. Maybe that's what makes him the hero, maybe that's what makes me weak. But it doesn't matter how many times you break, Rueki. It doesn't matter if you get bruised or scratched or burned or if you wake up in the middle of the night screaming, even with the lights on. Because I'm always going to be there to try my damndest to hold you together. Even if it's the last thing I do, got it memorized?"
My body has melted completely in his arms. My limbs feel light, I'm at a loss for words.
"So when I told you that you were the person I fell for, it wasn't cuz I was trying to throw it back into your face, okay babe? It's because…with everything happening, everything we've learned and dealt with and what you were going through, I just felt like it was time to say it. Heart or not, I just wanted my girl to know that she is loved."
And just when I think, there is no possible way that he could have my heart any more than he already does, he finds away. I am so amazed and so in awe of who he is and what he has become. So sarcastic, so smart, so devious and yet, the lengths he will go for those he cares about, the things he will make happen, the selfishness that he will cast aside when I need him to be selfless. I don't think I have ever been so thoroughly won over by any one person in my entire life. And yet, here is this man, who claimed so persistently that he didn't have a heart, that I wouldn't be smart if I held out for him, proving me wrong, time and time again. Proving to me how much my heart can grow. If there is such a thing as completely unconditional love, I think that we have found it in one another. I tilt my head up, drawing away only so that I can look him in the eye.
"I love you Axel. So much." It doesn't seem like enough to say, but the way his eyes shine like the sun, tells me that it is. Somehow, just a few words can be everything.
"I love you, Rueki." He presses his forehead against mine, but our lips don't touch. There is a tenderness in this though, in this very moment. Gingerly, I touch his sides, lightly resting my hands there. "But don't tell anyone else, I don't want them to think I'm more whipped than I already am." He flashes me a deliciously crooked smile, and I catch myself laughing again.
"How the fuck do you always do that." I shake my head.
"Woo you? Impress you to the nines? Turn you on beyond compare with just a few words?" He offers. And yes, all that and then some.
"Make me laugh." I correct. "When things seem bad, you make me smile. When I'm falling apart, you make me turn into a giggling mess. When something seems impossible, you come in and brush it aside, like there's nothing we can't take on together." Even when not too long ago, he seemed broken beyond compare.
"You're my partner." He says, simply, and somehow, that means everything. Girlfriend and boyfriend don't seem enough, with all we've been through. Partner though, after Shibuya, that fits. "And hey, maybe you're not the only one that needed someone to go the distance for them. Maybe I've been searching for that a little while too."
"Saix." Is all I say, because suddenly, everything makes so much sense. Why he'd cling to a dead, borderline toxic friendship for someone who doesn't seem to give a shit about his happiness. He needs something, someone. For all of his talk about being a hollow being, maybe that isn't him just relaying what he is told. Maybe, beneath the jokes, the attitude, and even beneath the compassion and the loyalty, maybe, there is something twice as broken as me. The time that Xion spent asleep certainly showed a glimpse of that, but maybe, there is so much more of him that needs healing. And maybe, we don't need to lay in broken pieces, scattered to the wind. Maybe we can heal each other.
"You're not gonna ditch me now that I've bared my soul, are ya sweetheart?" He asks, and through the bravado, I can hear a crack in his voice.
"I think that the next day we have off, you're gonna take me back to Destiny Islands, and we're going to eat that fucking star shaped fruit and tell everyone are destinies are tied together, and be corny as all hell." I say.
"Does that mean we can act really snooty and like we're better than everyone else, because our love is so special?' He laughs.
"And of course, make out everywhere we go, and when people tell us to get a room, we'll flip them off and tell them they don't understand what it feels like to be so in love." I giggle.
"Damn, no one is gonna be able to stand being in the same room as us." He says.
"Welp, guess that means you're stuck with me. All of my other friends are gonna hate me." I say, and then my brain remembers. Through all of this sugar sweetness, something dark is lurking beneath the surface. Xion. I start to shake again beneath him, he kisses my nose.
"Don't, baby." He pleads.
"I've got to do something, Axel." I insist.
"You don't need to do it all today, it's late, we have missions in the morning. Sora and Xion will need us tomorrow. You don't need to figure out how to make it happen all at once." Such simple words, but so calming, so perfect. They are all I need. His hand strokes my face, warm and soothing, I lean into it.
"I won't be able to sleep." I murmur.
"I'm sure we'll find other ways to pass the time." And he's right, I cannot handle this all right now. But maybe, after a night in his arms, together we can.
And we do.
We spend the next few days, after missions, in the library, pouring through Vexen's research notes, pouring through anything we can find about memory or linking hearts. We forget meals, we neglect sleep. We half ass missions and find our way back into the library as soon as we can. We read, we search. When we find nothing inside of the books, we find our way back to Oblivion, where we continue our search, aimlessly. And when none of that yields anything, I seek out Naminé myself. I enter the old mansion in Twilight Town, calling her name as I search through dusty, empty rooms that look like they haven't been touched in over a century, but I have no luck finding her. I thought to myself that perhaps, she'd come if I called, even if only to steer me back in the direction she wanted me in. But all of this is to no avail.
"Hey, Axel." Xion asks, one day, and when I look at her, Sora's face is still plain as day on hers. Axel makes a noncommittal noise and she continues. "You've been to Castle Oblivion, right?"
"Yeah, me and Rueki both." Axel says as I eat my ice cream.
"What is it like?" She asks and my stomach drops. As a replica, she would've been created there, in Vexen's lab. Her home, and she doesn't remember it. She has no idea, of course she doesn't. I knew that without even having to ask her, and yet, it still makes things all the more worse. She doesn't know what she is or how she is causing hell, even existing.
"A shit hole." I reply.
"Just an Organization research facility." Axel specifies.
"For research, huh? Seems everyone gets sent there all the time. Especially you." Roxas says to him, and he's not wrong. That month he was gone was, by far, longer than anyone else has ever been gone.
"Although, they never send me, Roxas or Rueki." Xion says.
"I tag along though anyway." I shrug. "Just another part of me being a pain in the ass." Or just another part of me being desperate to research ways to save both of my friends.
"Well they probably just don't need you there." Axel shrugs, though I can see Xion's face contorting. She doesn't believe him. Which would be fair under any other circumstance, but I don't think he's lying to her on this one. Right now, all that Oblivion is, is a dump for Organization equipment. The past several times anyone has been sent there was to clean out and dispose of equipment.
"I'm…I'm heading back." She huffs.
"Huh?" Roxas asks, eyes wide and hurt. For a second, in my mind's eye, Xion's face is her own again. The girl with short black hair and blue eyes. Her eyes cross and roll back into her head. My eyes widen, I sit up, just in time to watch her tumble over, off of the tower. Roxas' reflexes are quicker than all of ours. He's on his feet, his hand in hers in a fraction of a second. With strength I didn't know he had, he pulls her up, an arm gently around her. "Maybe you're not completely well yet…" He whispers.
"No, it's nothing like that." Xion says, stubbornly, and once again, her face is Sora's. I think that she's right, that maybe it is nothing like that. That maybe for a moment, Sora had a surge of energy, a rush of memories flood back. Maybe in that moment, he took control of his strength, and it had no room for sharing. My breath catches in my throat. Axel seems to understand my reaction very quickly, he reaches out and squeezes my hand, tight, trying to tether me to reality. I focus on the searing heat radiating off of him, wishing I could just live inside that warmth, where everything seems so safe and centered.
"Got it!" Axel says, and I cannot actually tell if he has a brilliant idea or if he is just trying to be bright and playful and everything I need him to be right now.
"Got what?" I ask, trying to play into it, energetic and excited and everything I'm sure he also needs.
"On our next day off, let's all go to the beach, huh?" He asks, grinning at the teenagers beside us. Fat chance, because next time we have a day off, I'm not letting him out of bed. But I appreciate his effort.
"The beach? Where did that idea come from?" Xion asks. My brow knits together, and I realize that I might not be able to handle it. Even knowing that it is her, seeing Sora's face, at the beach, bright and full of life might break me. If I can't do anything to save him then why should I get to…why should any of us be able to carry on? Maybe Axel is right and my guilty conscience is eating me up, but at this point, I don't think I can help it.
"We should go someplace different for a change." Axel shrugs.
"You're talking about a vacation with friends!" Roxas grins. Funny, I used to look at him and see Sora, but now, all I can see is Roxas. The boy who held me through my nightmares, who defended me against Saix, who quelled my panic as best as he could. The boy who isn't draining anyone's memories. Life was so much safer when he was the only one of the two Nobodies bearing Keyblades, that I was close to.
"Exactly!" Axel grins.
"I'll join you…if I can." Xion breathes. The broken, crumpled look on Sora's face sends me over the edge. My stomach lurches and I heave over the side of the clock tower, sobbing hysterically. I don't know who is at my side first, Axel or Roxas, but Axel is cleaning vomit out of my hair while Roxas rubs my back, and all I can think is that unless I can find a solution to keep Sora and Xion both alive, I will lose everyone.
"You won't lose me, Rueki, stop saying that. You won't ever lose me." Axel promises me as we find our way into the castle that night, but the cynic in me will not allow me to believe him.
"I'm going to have to kill her, Axel. To save Sora. I'm going to have to and I don't think that I can…" Can what, I don't know. Handle it? Live with the guilt? Face Roxas? Watch Xion's face as she fades?
"It's never going to get there." He promise me, and I don't believe it. Our lives have no room for this kind of optimism. "We still have a big card left to play, sweetheart. She doesn't know what she's doing. Maybe, if somehow, we can get Naminé to play with her memories, maybe she can find out where they are linked. She's only been working with one side of things, Sora's right? Maybe things will be different if she can sort through both of their memories, figure out which pieces go where."
"I've tried, I can't find her." I shake my head.
"Well, maybe it's time for us to take matters into our own hands. Maybe we push Xion, try to get her to search her memories and sever the connection herself. Rueki, if there's a way, you know she will. Xion's a good kid." He's right, I know that. "We'll make this work, baby, I promise. Somehow, we will make this work. You're never going to have to kill anyone else. Your hands are dirty enough, I'm not gonna let them get any dirtier, got it memorized?" I cannot accept all of these promise he's making me, they sound too good to be true. Because we've had such a hard run, this level of devotion cannot be real. But he cradles my face in his hands and makes me a thousand more promise, both sweet and sinful, about the future we have in store. Maybe these are stories, maybe some of them will come true, maybe all of them will. But in his arms, I am content to live in this fairy tale.
We search.
We're ragged, barely holding ourselves up when Saix finds us one evening. I think for a second this might be a new nightmare, because he speaks….
And that's all, he speaks, that's hellacious enough for me.
"The two of you must depart tomorrow morning for Castle Oblivion." Saix informs us.
"Oh fuck off. We deserve like a week's worth of sleep." I mutter, face pressed against Axel's shoulder.
"What for?" Axel asks.
"Are you asking on behalf of yourself, or the girl?" Saix asks.
"Again, I'm literally right here, I can hear every word you're saying." I roll my eyes.
"That is of no concern to me." Saix says, flatly. "The two of you will just be going to finish cleaning out the facility. I trust you can handle that." He says, before walking away. I don't think twice about the silence that falls onto the room, until I watch Axel's face light up.
"What?" I ask.
"What if I can find a way to get Xion to come with me tomorrow instead of yu? "He asks.
"Hmm?" I raise my eyebrows.
"Do you think you can push out your empathy link? Use it in reverse and imprint thoughts into Xion's mind?" He asks, and I don't necessarily know that it is possible, especially considering my link seems to be to Sora.
"I dunno, I can try?" I ask. "What should I be imprinting onto her?"
"You should think a lot about Oblivion, all of the secrets it holds, especially secrets to Xion's past. She seemed kind of agitated when she asked me about it the other day. All you'll have to do is lay a few more seeds, maybe intercept her and Roxas before they leave for their mission tomorrow and say that you don't want to go to Oblivion, but you don't want to leave me behind? I dunno. Just, try your hardest to get her to want to take you place." He says.
"But why thought? Aren't we just supposed to be clearing out supplies?" I ask.
"Yeah, but…that world is where Xion was born, right? Which means that one of the doors inside will hold the secret to her birth. I have a feeling if I can lead her into the basement, into Vexen's lab, that she'll find something about how she was created and what she is. You and I know, but maybe if she knows…"
"Maybe she'll figure out how to fix this whole mess for us." I nod. "Have I ever told you that you're a genius?" I ask.
"Nope." He says, popping his lips.
"Oh, good." I say. "Anyhow."
"Asshole." He whispers, though I press my lips to his and feel him smile against my mouth. "You'll have to keep Roxas occupied."
"Oh, I think I can manage." And I do. Instead of sleeping that night, I toss and turn, imagining my empathy link as a string that connects me to Xion, Roxas and Sora. I try to focus on a pretty face with wide blue eyes, surrounded by short hair, a twinkling smile, a doll of a girl. I imagine myself reaching out to her, my hand outstretched. I reach as far and hard as I can. She opens her hand up to me and I take it. With all the force I can muster up, I try to push my thoughts onward to her. Thoughts about a mysterious boy, about Castle Oblivion, about how Axel and I must be keeping something from her and she won't be satisfied until she seeks out the Castle. I think a thousand other tantalizing thoughts, but I cannot tell if I was successful or if I simply deterred Naminé's process further by imprinting those thoughts onto Sora. Or if I was just laying in bed, thinking really hard about nothing, like an idiot.
As soon as Axel is gone, I climb out of bed and with jittering hands, I wait in the lounge for Roxas and Xion to appear. She is barely saying two words to him, though he is clearly trying to keep her engaged in conversation as they enter onto the scene.
"Rueki!" She gasps. "Saix said you had left for Castle Oblivion with Axel." She says. I just shrug.
"I was supposed to, I just couldn't go back there." I sigh. "It's just a lot to handle. Between the nightmares and the panic attacks. I just don't think I can handle going back to a place that is shrouded in so many secrets." It feels like such a dirty lie, but I am amazed by the ease with which I brush it off. This is necessary, I remind myself.
"Are you okay?" Roxas asks me. I offer the saddest, most lost puppy dog look that I can muster up.
"I just don't want to leave him alone there. There's a lot to do. I'm afraid if he's alone, he's going to be there for weeks again." I whisper, I'm laying it on thick, but if this is what it takes to get Xion to do the heavy lifting, and to stop me from having to be the one to take her out, then this will be worth it. If I get to keep all of my Keybearing friends safe, then so be it.
"I'll go, Rueki." She instantly volunteers. "Friends need to lean on each other every now and then. You're okay with Rueki helping you, right, Roxas?" She asks.
"Um, yeah, sure…" He blinks, looking at me. I am surprised how well this all works, but it does. With an eagerness that reminds me greatly of Sora, Xion disappears, through a portal, to Castle Oblivion. I'd like to say I paid great attention to Roxas and everything related to today's mission. I'd like to say I was a good friend. But I surely was not today. Off in my own little world, to the extreme, I barely recall anything, before the two of us took a seat at the clock tower. But there we are, staring out at the setting sun, ice cream at hand.
"You know, I hate when you lie to me." Roxas sighs, taking a bite of his ice cream as he casts his gaze far off the clock tower. I want to ask him how he knows I'm keeping secrets, but I already know the answer to that. I'm not subtle, at all. And with my knees curled to my chest and ice cream half eaten in my hand, I know I have thrown a wrench in our normal routine.
"I'm not lying." Just keeping secrets. "There are just things you're not ready to know yet. Things that you'd be safer not knowing." I cringe instantly at myself, because holy fuck, has Axel rubbed off on me in more ways than one (hey-o). Maybe this is karma punishing me, by showing me how hard my boyfriend has had it. Maybe this is the universe showing me that keeping secrets to save your friends isn't meant to be hurtful, and that maybe, it's harder on the one holding onto the secret than anyone else. At least I can share mine with Axel, he has no one in our friend group, just his ice cold coworkers that know his dark secret about me. It must be terribly lonely, I think. A heavy weight to bear.
"Isn't that the same thing?" He asks. "I just wish you'd tell me."
"I wish I could." I frown. "You've got to trust me, Roxas. I get how bad it sucks, to feel like you know nothing. But, this is part of the whole 'loved ones can be a weakness' thing. If you knew what I was holding onto, you could get hurt. Maybe beyond repair. It's selfish, but I don't want to risk your life. Sorry kid."
"I guess I just don't understand it." He sighs.
"No, me either half the time." I admit. "Hey, what if every time I have to keep something from you, I tell you something important too, huh?" It's a stupid, half assed idea, and a lame excuse for me to keep guilt off my shoulders. I have no idea how many times I will need to hide truths about Sora or Xion from him, or how many secrets I'll have to come up with in turn. But he seems to warm up a little at the idea.
"Okay." He nods. "Sure. What do you have for me?" I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do, so I do what I do best. Make rash, terrible decisions.
"I knew you, when you had a heart." It pops out of my mouth before I can stop it, but the more I think about it, the more harmless it is. I didn't know a ton about Sora, as long as I avoid the big things I know about his life, his memories, isn't that safe enough?
"You're kidding." Roxas breathes. I shake my head. "From where? What was I like?"
"Slow down, kid." I laugh, and in that moment, for the first time in a long time, he reminds me of Sora.
"Oh come on, you can't drop a bombshell like that and expect me not to ask questions!" He reminds me, laughing. So full of life, so different that that first week he started.
"Um…Okay. You traveled to my world one day. You were nice. A good kid, big heart. My friend." I smile, my heart warming at the memory.
"I wish I remembered it." Roxas smiles, sadly. I shake my head.
"No." I say flatly. "If it comes down to remembering your time with a heart and your time since joining the Organization, choose this. Choose these memories we have, Roxas. They're so precious, so important, and you're more important to me now than he ever was. You may be the same, but you're different too. You're your own person, and one of my very best friends. You're special to me, kiddo. He was a cool kid, but I only knew him for a matter of days. I'd much prefer how it is now, where we've been friends for…what, like nine months now?" I ask. And before I can get an answer, a portal opens up. Axel appears, with a lopsided grin on his face, that is all feigned. Suddenly. I feel very uneasy. Was this the end? Xion isn't in tow. Did he have to… I think I could get sick again, but that is the last thing any of the three of us need. I draw my legs in tighter.
"You're early." Axel greets us.
"No, you're just late." I say in a very waring tone.
"Today marks 255." Roxas smiles at me, patting my shoulder.
"What's that about?" Axel asks, taking a seat beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist as Roxas' hand still rests on my shoulders. Surrounded by my boys, it is easy to feel as though nothing is wrong. But I know better. I look to Axel with worry in my eyes, but he barely pays me a lick of attention. He's avoiding my gaze on purpose.
"Rueki was asking how many days I'd been here. That's been how many days it's been since I first joined the Organization. Man, time flies." He sighs, shaking his head. In the setting sun, I look at him and think about the light this boy casts on my life. I wasn't lying, saying that I prefer him to Sora, even if that makes me kind of a shitty person.
"So, you got the number memorized, do you?" Axel asks.
"Yeah." Roxas nods. "Have to hang onto something, right? It's not like I have memories from before the Organization. Don't you remember? Those first few days, I acted like a zombie." For a second, I wonder if he can read my mind, if he knows I was just thinking something very similar about him.
"Right, that first week you could barely form a sentence." I nod, still feeling a little uneasy. But if Roxas's smile didn't quell my initial worries, Axel's laugh certainly does. It is a gospel, something pure, full of life, so beyond perfect. I am surprised, even after all this time, when my bones feel their coldest, he heats them, bringing me entirely back from the frostbitten depths I have fallen into. Hot, fiery beyond all compare. Maybe I am an ice cold bitch, but even if I am, that's okay, as long as he is always there to warm me.
"But come on, you're still kind of a zombie." Axel teases, taking the one hand off my waist to shove Roxas, playfully.
"Oh, thanks!" Roxas laughs, shoving him back with the hand that was on my shoulder.
"Can't you two ever get along?" I giggle, swatting their hands away, not only from each other, but from me. "Or at least leave me out of your nonsense?" I feel good, I feel alive. I feel like the world is somehow not ending.
"Hey, guys. Bet you don't know why the sun sets red. You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest." Axel says, and I can tell he is deflecting, but that doesn't matter much. It's embarrassing but I find myself entranced and eager for his every word. I want a thousand more sunsets like this, him telling me useless information, his warmth at such proximity, keeping me safe, keeping me feeling whole. I turn to him, smiling and I watch him visibly falter.
"Like we asked, know it all." Roxas taunts Axel, who is still transfixed. Finally, the redhead shakes his head and turns away.
"What?" I ask.
"You." He says, sighing. "I just don't get it. How much one person can feel like home." He pulls me in, taking my hand in his. I could die happy like this, basking in the glow of the setting sun, if not with the both of them, then at least with Axel. But Roxas breaks this beautiful moment, distracted with a girl of his own.
"Seriously, where is she?" He asks. My eyes go wide. Axel grips my hand even tighter and kisses my forehead.
"Well, don't wait up for her too much longer, okay?" He asks, standing up, stretching out tall as he releases my hand. His joints pop and crack and all I can think is that he is making a huge show out of nothing. But that's him, that is so him, and despite it all, I find comfort in it. I can't tell if he's doing it more for me or for him, but certainly, I don't mind it either way.
"Are you guys leaving?" Roxas asks. I shrug, standing up, unsure how much more prying about Sora or talk about Xion I can handle. Suddenly, before my eyes, a series of visions comes to me, a flood of memories that is distinctly Sora's, and then, Xion standing beside an orb in Castle Oblivion.
"What…Then I wasn't…who am I?" She chokes out.
The first thought that comes to mind is that she is safe, thank fucking Twilight she is safe. The second, is that my knees have gotten weak, and if it weren't for Axel, I might have just fallen off the clock tower. He's got a hand wrapped around mine and a smile so big and bright on his face that it nearly distracts Roxas from my stumble.
Nearly.
"Rueki, are you—"
"What can I say, he makes me weak in the knees." I bat my eyelashes at Axel and like, ew. Cringe. I watch my man bite on his lip to keep down a laugh.
"Oh..." Roxas visibly grows more uncomfortable at this, blushing, unsure of how to respond, and Axel capitalizes on this completely.
"Can't blame us for wanting to enjoy some time as a couple before tomorrow's mission, can ya?" Axel asks him. Roxas shakes his head.
"Nope, do your thing." He waves his hand, still red in the face, clearly trying to just get us the hell away from him. I smile up at Axel, who is grinning back from me as he opens up a portal. We head through it and back to his room, and the second we are safely inside and the portal is closed, Axel barks out a laugh, throwing his head back, his arms around his middle.
"Fucking hell, Rueks. 'He makes me weak in the knees'." He says in a mocking voice and then laughs. I laugh too, a big grin creeping across my features.
"Don't make me say it again, or you're going to have to clean puke out of my hair. Again. Cuz that was so cringe worthy I could gag." I snicker.
"Are you actually laughing along with me?" He asks, beaming. "You seemed so on edge."
"Until I saw Xion in Castle Oblivion and realized that she was okay. I had a vision." I say. "I was worried."
"I know." Axel sighs. "I promised you though, didn't I? That your hands were dirty enough, that you wouldn't ever have to—"
"I was worried for you, not for her." I say, not giving a damn about how terrible it sounds. Roxas, Xion, Sora, it doesn't matter who, I will always choose Axel over anyone else. "You were a hot mess not that long ago, and here I was, promising I'd have your back, but of course, then I have to go and discover I have an empathy link, and have a meltdown, which is completely exhausting, I know and I'm sorry. I felt like shit, though, wondering if while I was having ice cream with Roxas, you were ending Xion. It wouldn't have been fair, you having to shoulder everything when I just told you that you can put some of the burden on me." I say. He pauses a moment, regarding me with curious eyes and a tilted head.
"You're a fucking masterpiece, did you know that, Rueks?" He asks, and he sounds so sincere that I cannot even call him an asshole. "You had an empathy link forced on you. You were so ready to do anything to keep Sora safe, even if it meant destroying yourself. I didn't tell you that I didn't want you to dirty your hands because I want to kill anyone, Rueki. I told you that because you're my girl and I love the hell out of you, and I don't want you to be forced to do anything you don't want, ever again, got it memorized? My hands are dirty, so damn dirty that I don't even know what is clean and what isn't anymore. But yours? You're not like that. So if I can still keep you safe, and it means that you get to enjoy ice cream with one of our best friends while I do, then hey, I'm living the dream." He sets a hand on top of my head and kisses my forehead. I wrap my arms around his waist, trying to come up with the words to tell him how much he means to me, and how his mouth is good for a thousand things, and making my heart swell is one of them. I think of all of these words, until he kneels at the edge of the bed and shows me yet another thing that perfect mouth is good at, whispering praises against my skin as he does.
When we wake in the morning, Xemnas calls a meeting, announcing Xion has disappeared and is not to be searched for. Even Axel looks genuinely shocked—this was not part of our plan, looks like he didn't go rogue on me, she did. Roxas raises hell, of course, but Xemnas will hear none of it.
We carry out our missions under those very strict orders—forget Xion.
I don't know whether to be worried or relieved.