I promise the next chapter will be more fun.
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Caroline could feel the verbal knife slip between her ribs, doing damage only someone who knew her well could inflict. If it was anyone else she'd have verbally attacked the person threatening her and her child, but this was Lawrence. Her son. She knew at a primal level that the bond holding them together was very fragile at the moment and if she let forth with her venom, it would forever sour that bond.
She held her tongue.
Shaking quietly with hurt and anger, she gently picked up Flora and turned her back on her son, instinctively protecting her youngest.
"I'm so sick of you giving her priority over us. And why'd you have to move to this dump, a million miles from anywhere?" He muttered under his breath, "Selfish ff...cow."
Mother and son had been so focused on the other that neither noticed that Gillian had come into the kitchen. She was due for lunch and had been there long enough to see what was happening. She quietly moved to stand next to Lawrence. The intensity of her energy suddenly filled the room and everything stopped. The silence had weight, like the prelude to a death.
Slowly Gillian leant sideways towards Lawrence, who instinctively gave her space, even though he loomed over her in height. He had never seen her like this and had no idea what to expect. Somehow he knew to be quiet and still.
"The thing is, I've seen men who are abusive to their families. You are now nearly 18, and are probably physically stronger than your mum. We can see that you are hurting, and that what you're doing comes from that. We can see that. But instead of saying 'I'm hurting', or 'I'm in trouble here', you're lashing out. I know you're her son, but right now, you're also a grown man abusing a woman and her child. You need to find a better way of dealing with it, Lawrence."
In the quiet that followed, Caroline's sharp intake of breath could be heard clearly across the room. Lawrence looked up and saw his mum, for the first time, as a woman separate to him. He saw her as a middle aged woman protecting her child from harm. From him. Shame washed over him and tears started to fall down his face. He hugged his arms around his body and started to rock. His sense of separateness from his mum was profound. He had never truly felt alone in the world before this moment and time stood still, crystallising this into his memory. It was the moment he finally realised that as much as he loved his dad, it was his mum who was his rock, his stable foundation.
Oblivious to what was going on around him, Lawrence was engulfed in strong arms and his head gently placed on a shoulder. Caroline stroked his hair as she comforted him. This moment, this change from child to adult had not been so traumatic for William, but Lawrence felt more deeply and had always been more fragile. She hoped this would be a turning point in their relationship. Even better if Lawrence would finally relinquish his wanton teenaged cruelty and start stepping into his adulthood. She knew from experience, however, that this change took years, not hours.
Caroline felt Gillian's hand caress her back, a sense of support ever present. She turned her head and watched Gillian take Flora's hand to lead her out into the garden, leaving mother and son alone. Before she left, Gillian looked back on the scene, struck by the boundless love Caroline had for her children. She felt privileged to be part of it, as few got to witness this side of Caroline.
"I'm sorry Mum. I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it, but I wanted to. I don't really understand it." He sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"I know. I know you're sorry, but you were cruel. You got that from me. I'm sorry too." She hugged him even tighter and he buried his face in her neck, her scent soothing him more deeply than her words. They stood together, Caroline grateful that Lawrence would accept comfort this time, as it had been a long time since he had let her hold him for more than very brief hugs. "There are decisions that I've made to keep a roof over our heads and to look after us all the best I could. I know you don't always get what you want, but none of us get that very often. It's part of growing up, understanding that."
He turned his head and pulled back a little so he could see her face. With their arms still around one another, he really started to look at his mum with a clarity and intensity she hadn't seen from him before. She'd seen him look at others like that, but it had never been directed at her. It made her feel distinctly uncomfortable and a bit trepidatious as she awaited his judgment.
"I've always known how strong you were, how clever you were, and how you'd fight for us, but I'd never really seen how vulnerable you can be too. I guess I'd never really looked for it either." He paused, gathering his thoughts. It had been hard having her as the head teacher. He knew she was fair and respected and not all of his friends respected their mums, but it did make her different. However, it was when she started seeing Kate that the bullying at school became really horrible. And then Kate went and died, leaving that little shit of a kid for his mum to look after. He knew he was supposed to think of her as his sister, but he really couldn't. She wasn't related to him at all. He reckoned she was more of a foster kid his mum had taken on. And it had nearly broken his mum. She hadn't been the same since then.
"I know it was horrible when Kate died. It was like part of you did too, but it meant there was less for us. And now you've left me to move here. I don't mind living with Dad but Judith is a b...cow."
"I'm sorry. I know it has been hard for you, us moving here. I had to do it, for me and for Flora, and I hoped you'd be old enough to understand. The timing wasn't great, I know that." She pulled him into another hug. "I really didn't want to leave you. I'd much rather you were here with us too. Would you like to come here for more weekends, or do a few overnight trips, if it gets too much with your dad and Judith? It will mean early starts for school, but we can manage that, can't we?"
"Yeah, maybe." He sniffled. "You know I play rugby most weekends so that won't work. But maybe we could do some overnights, just for a bit of a break."
Caroline kissed him on the cheek. "We can do that. You know you can come here anytime."
Lawrence seemed to accept that, when he suddenly stepped away from his mum. He walked around the kitchen anxiously, like he was looking for something he knew he wasn't going to find. "Was Gillian telling the truth about me?" He looked at his mum, obviously wanting more information, but also wanting something else.
Caroline was puzzled for a moment and then she got it. She looked at him with concern. "Yes. Gillian's seen abusive and manipulative men terrorise their families. I've seen it with some of the parents at school too, but not in the way she has. I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can use your imagination." This wasn't a conversation she wanted to have with him, but Caroline knew Gillian had opened the gate on this topic for a reason, a reason she perhaps didn't really want to face.
Caroline tried to put it into some sort of context for Lawrence. "Like me, you like to be in control, and you lash out when you're hurt or cornered. These aren't good traits. I'm sorry I passed them on to you, but there are good things you have from me too."
"But Gillian reckons I'm going to be like them. I'm not like that though." He paced around the kitchen, too uncomfortable to be still.
"No, you're not." Caroline was thinking that Gillian might be a bit sensitive to this sort of verbal violence, but she had made a really good point. "However, you are tall and strong, and strong willed, and need to learn better ways of managing yourself before this..." She paused, hunting in her head for a better way to talk about it.
"When I was your age, I could have really used someone to talk to. A professional. I think it would have made a huge difference for me." Caroline was thinking of the impact counselling would have had on her life. Perhaps she would have been more comfortable with who she was, maybe she wouldn't have married John, but then, that would mean no William or Lawrence. She sighed. The trade off was worth it, despite the shitshow that had grown from their marriage.
"I think it would be worth you seeing someone to get some help to sort through some of what is going on for you. Someone better than me. Someone you want to listen to. I think it help you to be happier, and that would be great, wouldn't it?"
Alarm bells started to ring in Lawrence's head. "You want me to see someone? Like a poncy sickologist or something?" He snorted. "Like that's ever going to happen."
Caroline's face fell. She was so close. She had seen a glimpse of him as an adult, and now he had slid back into his old pattern of teenage rudeness. She sighed. "I think it would help." She truly dreaded the thought but a last ditch attempt to get him some professional help made her offer. "I know you don't want to go. Would you go if I went to see someone too? You know I'm going to hate it even more than you."
There was a touch of glee in his eyes when he looked at her, thinking of his mum having to talk about 'feelings'. "So, you'd go and see someone if I went." The grin on his face started to grow at the thought of his mum being interrogated by a psychologist. He knew she really would hate it. "Really, you'd go if I went?"
Caroline glumly returned his gaze. "Yes. I promise."
"Deal. I'll go. But only if you go just as often." A thought occurred to him. "You can't tell anyone about it. No one. Not even Dad."
"Okay. Deal. But you have to go too. No skipping appointments." She paused to clarify a plan. "I'll sort something out in Harrogate and let you know. I'll try for after school, but if not, I'll tell the school you have a medical appointment but not what it is. Okay?"
"Okay." Conversation over as far as he was concerned, his attention shifted to his stomach. At least his mum could cook and the food would be good. "What's for lunch?"
