XXXIII.
Three weeks pass, I don't dream about Lea anymore, instead, I dream that Naminé stands with a masked man, telling him Sora's progress has stilled. I wonder if maybe Axel was too late, maybe I am already a monster for letting this happen.
Axel and I are walking through the castle and have barely made our way into a hallway, when a voice interrupts us.
"Axel, Rueki!" Xion's voice pipes up from behind us. This is the first time I've seen her since we brought her back to the Castle, though through the grapevine, we figured out she hadn't been ended, a while ago. Why, I am still unsure.
"Huh?" I turn back, stopping in my tracks, an eyebrow raised. With my hand in Axel's and my sudden stop, he stumbles, rocking back on his heel.
"You need something?" He asks Xion, turning to her, I notice a bit of bite in his voice. I don't have any bite in my voice, all I have is an unwavering resolve that no matter how much I adore this girl, it doesn't matter. Sora must endure. And more than that, Roxas must endure. I don't want to think about the weariness I've seen in his blue eyes this past month, the wear and tear his smile has endured. I simply want to freeze him in my memory, in the light of the setting sun, holding a bar of ice cream in his hand, grinning from ear to ear.
"Well, um... Something's wrong with Roxas. You don't know why, do you? He says the Keyblade wears him out when he goes to use it. And then today, I was fighting the same way Roxas does." Xion murmurs, and I can already tell where this is going. She needs reassurance, a promise from us that she isn't going to be the death of Roxas—a promise we can't grant. My hand is a vice grip on Axel's, I wrap my arm around my middle, trying desperately to hold myself together.
"You would know more about Roxas than we do by now." Axel grumbles. I want to admonish him for being callous to her, but I get it. I beyond get it.
"What do you mean?" Xion asks.
"You know!" I snap. "I see it in your mind, all the time, every night when I sleep. You know what you are! At first, I thought you were a clone of Sora, but you know that's wrong, don't you? You were created to mimic Roxas' powers!" I cry out and Xion gasps. Already, I can feel tears prickling at my vision. "But somehow, you're going in, robbing them both of their memory or their powers, and you just keep getting stronger, and—" My voice catches in my throat, I turn away from her and Axel, drawing both of my arms around my stomach.
"Rueki!" I can hear Xion move behind me and I put a hand up.
"I'm sorry. I didn't meant to, I just…You have his memories now, Sora's, that is. You know… he was my friend too." I whisper.
"What can I…Then what should I do?" Xion asks, tone desperate and helpless. Axel heaves a sigh. I tilt my head to look at him as he crosses the distance between himself and her. He sets a hand on her shoulder, which is so dainty, so delicate. The face of the brunette boy that rests on her neck just doesn't seem right to me.
"You gotta think for yourself. Cuz I know you're not just a puppet." Axel assures her. "We both do. We're best friends. You, me, Roxas and Rueki. Got it memorized?" And somehow, in those words, I hear Axel's surliness crumble. I promised him a couple months ago that I'd be strong enough for both of us. He was so adamant that I had dirtied my hands too much, that I needed to hand the hard things off to him, but the more I look at him, the longer this goes on, I realize he won't be able to carry out the impossible mission that we must. And I can't even fault him. Because for how hurt I am, for how troubling Xion's existence is to me, for all of the words I have said, swearing otherwise, I don't think I can end her either. For some reason, this makes Axel all the more endearing to me, all the more human. Such a violently delicious contradiction.
"What do you think?" Xion asks me, I turn fully toward her, biting my lip.
"You don't want me to answer that." The tears start to creep into my voice. I watch Xion's expression falter. For a second, she is that dark haired girl again. I reach out and grab her hand. "I don't want to lose you." I breathe.
"But you don't want to lose Sora or Roxas either. And as long as I'm alive, they will keep losing everything. I think I saw him today, Rueki." She whispers. "Sora." Axel gasps, I blink back tears, but still, they slide down my cheeks, hot and heavy.
"He's not well, is he?" I ask, though I already know the answer to that. Axel sighs.
"This just isn't right." He murmurs, but somehow, that is the end of it.
I'm in the library, hunched over a book that I can barely have the attention span to read when Axel jerks my shoulder back, out of nowhere. I didn't even realize he had entered the room and I choke on the air that floods my lungs, my brain instantly going into overdrive. Zexion is here, here to trap me in the Lexicon, he's going to kill me and—
"Baby, baby you're okay." Axel's voice assures me, as I shake. "It's me. Axel. I'm right here, Rueks, you're in the library, it's just us, nothing can hurt you." He wraps both arms around me from behind. His warmth eases me back into reality, and when I feel the heat radiating from his hands, I start to relax.
"Dammit." I whisper. "I'm sorry."
"You've seemed out of it a lot lately." He mutters, lips against the crown of my head. "Are you having nightmares again?" He asks. I shake my head.
"I think right now, real life is a lot worse." I say. "How are we supposed to do this?"
"I already told you, you're not going to—"
"And neither are you." I say, firmly. "No more bloodshed, not for you, not for me. I just…I don't know how to sit by helplessly and watch one of my very best friends die."
"Well maybe you can save both of them one more time." He says. I raise an eyebrow.
"Is this a permanent solution?" I ask.
"I wish." He sighs. "Roxas and Xion have been assigned a mission, they both see each other as a Heartless. They're supposed to fight to the death." Axel says and I instantly go tense. For a second, I wonder if that is really so bad, to let fate choose which of them make it out alive. But all it takes is that second for me to remember that if Xion emerges victorious, and she will, with Roxas' dwindling strength, not only will I lose him, but the world will lose Sora. I don't want to know what fresh hell it will sink into without that boy.
"Okay." I nod. "Let's go."
We barely make it in time for me Roxas' shoulders as Axel grab's Xion, sufficiently pulling the two off of each other. And for all that we've been through, all the dirty tricks this Organization has played on all of us, what do those kids do? They look at each other and burst out laughing, like this has all been some hilarious joke. Roxas suggests we get ice cream. Xion says she wants to watch the sunset. And Axel and I? We both know that soon enough, our quartet will fall apart. We take this chance, maybe the last chance we will ever get to sit beside each other and smile on top of the clock tower.
"Brain freeze!" Xion giggles, touching her fingertips to her lips.
"It's been a while since we've all hung out like this." Roxas reminds us.
"It's been a while since we've all felt like an us." I confess, looking to the two of them.
"Well, we've had our share of drama lately." Axel shrugs, all nonchalance, though I know he is aching inside just as deeply as I am. I reach out and squeeze his hand and that seems to light a fire beneath him. "I just remembered! Did you know you guys should be checking your ice cream sticks?" This seems like a childish, utterly stupid distraction. I contemplate clocking him over the head. But Xion's eyes light up.
"Really?" She asks.
"Once you finish your ice cream, see if the stick says 'WINNER'." Axel says. "Not that I've ever seen one myself."
"Huh, wait a second…" Roxas mutters.
"What is it?" I ask, though the kid is transparent as all hell.
"Uh, it's nothing. So then, what happens if you win?" Roxas asks. This kid has straight up got a winner stick stored somewhere.
"I'll tell yah…" Axel starts. "That's a good question."
"What, you don't know?" Roxas asks.
"He acts like he knows a lot, but he's been fooling you all this whole time. He literally knows nothing." I grin at Axel, who elbows me.
"Sticks and stones, princess." He grins. It feels nice, back to our old dynamic, teasing each other. For a moment, things almost feel alright. "Anyhow, it's gotta be something nifty if you're a winner, right?"
"Cool." Roxas nods.
"Real solid logic." I grin at Axel who kisses my cheek, sloppily. "Hey!" I laugh.
"Heh heh heh... Wow. The sun's beautiful. I know we've seen a lot of sunsets, but today's puts them all to shame. If only things could stay like this forever." Xion sighs, looking out at the sun. Suddenly, Roxas speaks.
"Say, what if we all just took off?" Roxas asks. My eyes go wide.
"What?" Xion asks.
"Yes. Now." I say, turning to Roxas with an urgent look on my face. "We can find somewhere the Organization hasn't been to, we'll stick together, we'll have to be on our guard, but the four of us can be safe and happy."
"Rueki, we've talked about this!" Axel's eyes are blazing as he looks at me, but I very pointedly ignore him. He heaves a sigh, looking to Roxas, trying to be the voice of reason. "We can't."
"But, if we ran, I bet we could always be together." Roxas insists.
"He's right, honestly, Axel, how much worse could it get than this?" I ask.
"We have nowhere to run." Xion suddenly says, looking at me with world weary eyes. Suddenly, I am reminded that our problems won't be fixed just by fleeing from the Organization, no matter how bad I want to. I have fought and fought, and that hasn't worked at all, but I suppose taking flight won't either. I look to Axel. He looks back at me, utterly exasperated. I try to make it up to him by squeezing his thigh.
"I'm sorry. It just sounds so nice." I whisper, so that only he can hear.
"Soon, baby. I promise." He squeezes my leg as well.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Roxas agrees with Xion.
"What's important isn't that we hang out with each other every day." I concede, heaving a dramatic sigh.
"As long as we keep each other in our thoughts, we'll never be apart, right?" Xion asks. "Should I say we've got it memorized, too?" She giggles.
"Huh?" I asks.
"You're starting to sound just like Axel." Roxas informs me. I turn to Axel, who is grinning goofily.
"Yeah, I guess that might not be the worst thing ever." I smile and think about how if the company I keep is changing who I am, then maybe that is not so bad.
"Well, we've got it memorized." Xion nods.
"Good." Axel nods.
"I'll have these moments memorized for a long time. Forever." Xion says.
"Me too." Roxas nods. I turn to Axel, I squeeze his hand. This isn't permanent, I know. This quartet does not have a forever. But if one of my friends has to die…
I just know, I'm thankful it isn't the man whose hand is in mine.
"Today's the day." Axel whispers, his voice heavy as he zips up his coat.
"Come on man, you know how much I hate when you say cryptic shit." I sigh. Today isn't particularly special for me, in fact, I'm actually kind of cherishing the fact that I get to beat Heartless away from the castle with Demyx.
"Forgive me, I didn't think it was appropriate to lead into a conversation with 'Saix told me today is the day I have to kill Xion'." Axel grumbles. I shrug.
"For what we've had to deal with, I guess it wouldn't be the weirdest thing any of us has ever said to the other." I shrug. "Though you're right, it wasn't nearly as funny as the time you were jealous of Roxas." I grin.
"How can you make jokes at a time like this?" He sighs.
"I learn from the best." I cross the distance to boop his nose. Then, a heaviness hangs in the air, around us. "You want me to go instead?" I ask.
"I doubt they'll let you. This is my punishment." He says.
"For what?"
"For keeping you around." He sighs.
"Axel…"
"Don't worry. Nothing I can't take, princess. Just try not to get too drenched with Demyx today. I'm gonna need you after this is all said and done." He tries to shrug off the weight of his words, but I can't.
"That's fucked up that you're still getting punished for not killing me, especially when they've already found a thousand and one ways to use me." I spit.
"Yeah, but everyone has kept their mouth shut about what I learned in Shibuya. This is the tax I pay to keep you safe." He replies, as though it is that simple.
"Wanna just make things easier and fucking tell me already?" I ask. He offers me a sad sort of smile.
"The way your memories a creeping back, wouldn't surprise me if you found out soon. You've gotta forgive a guy for wanting to keep his skeletons in the closet." He shrugs.
"What skeletons? What do you think will really be so terrible if I know the truth?" I ask.
"You think you're getting used now? Wait. If the Organization knows that you know, there won't be anything left of you. With the snap of your fingers, you'll be just like the rest of us." He sighs.
Mission completed, I find my way, soaked from head to toe, right to where Roxas is. He looks to me, brow knit.
"Rueki, where were you today? I looked everywhere for you." He says, tone accusing. My stomach drops, I've been purposefully avoiding him since the day Axel and I broke up his fight with Xion. Unable to watch her drain him any further.
"I was on a mission with Demyx. Didn't you have work to do?" I tease, trying to hide the weariness in my voice. And the worry. What the hell is this kid going to say when he finds out that Xion is dead? And what lie will Axel tell to save his own skin? For the first time since knowing him, I pray that he has the perfect one conjured up.
"Yeah, I had to work, but I got my mission done as quickly as I could. Axel, Xion and Xigbar left on a mission this morning, it just seemed like a really odd group. I've been tearing the castle apart left and right, looking for them." He sighs. It wouldn't surprise me if Axel was already hiding in our room, miserable. But Xigbar? I didn't realize he was going today. It makes me wonder, does Saix not trust Axel at all anymore? And if not, what was the last straw?
"I'll help you look." I offer, though I don't know what I expect to turn up. Certainly not what we get. We hear them before we see them.
"And now we're left with the one we can't use." Saix grumbles as we enter the room.
"Did something happen?" Roxas asks, eyes darting around the room. Axel, Xigbar, but no Xion. "Where's Xion?" He asks. I quickly cross the room to Axel and throw my arms around him. Saix rolls his eyes and leaves.
"Are you okay?" I whisper, so that only he can hear.
"I didn't do it. I couldn't." He whispers back, and I don't know whether to be pleased or pissed. I draw away, but stand firmly at his side.
"She flew the coop. Flamesilocks here couldn't trouble himself to clip her wings." Xigbar accuses, with the flourish of his hands. I want to reach out and smack him for how his words will would Roxas. But he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand that Roxas wouldn't care one way or another if he loses all of his strength, as long as Xion keeps hers. He doesn't understand that despite not having a heart, this boy sure acts like he does. Axel doesn't even bother to defend himself, though I'm not sure at this point, if that makes it better or worse.
"Huh? What does he mean, Axel?" Roxas asks.
"He means we're not supposed to be here, Roxas, come on." I flutter away from Axel to grab the boy's arm, but he shrugs me off.
"Your friend sat there sucking his thumb while Xion walked right off...I'm going back to my room." Xigbar huffs, walking out.
"What happened out there?" Roxas looks at Axel with hard, suspicious eyes. I touch my heart, looking to my man, wondering how he can handle watching that zombie boy, turn into a sweet, eager kid, and then, to an untrusting Nobody. Because I certainly can't.
"Roxas, leave it alone." I order.
"What are you doing, Rueki?" He asks me, shaking his head. "First the two of you attack Xion, and you don't say anything about it! You just show back up for ice cream, breaking up a fight like nothing even happened? If Axel let Xion run away again, shouldn't you care? She's our friend."
"Maybe I know him well enough to know that he doesn't do things without a good reason. I love him, I trust him. It's that simple. He's your best friend, you should trust that he's looking out for you too!" I insist, my hands balling into fists.
"So you think it's okay that he hides things from us?"
"Fuck off, kid. You have no idea what it's like to keep things to yourself, so the people you love don't get hurt. The weight of everything on your shoulders, how heavy everything feels in your heart. You don't understand it until you've been through it. Knowing that you have the answers, but having to sit on them because the truth isn't going to save anyone! It's not an easy thing to shoulder, not really." I shake my head. I think about Sora and his stalled memories. Of Roxas and his dwindling strength. The truth is awful, the truth will not set them free.
"So he didn't hide anything from you then, did he? You know. It's just me you're keeping secrets from…" Roxas whispers.
"Oh, don't be that way kid, nothing happened." Axel sighs.
"Nothing?" Roxas scoffs. "Xion's gone, how can that be nothing?"
"It's just like Xigbar said. I just sat there sucking my thumb watching Xion run away." Axel says, waving his hands.
"I'm asking you why you did that, and you know it!" Roxas roars, stomping toward him. I look at Axel, willing him to give me permission to drop the secret like a bomb on this kid. This little asshole. My friend, but it doesn't matter, I'm so beyond mad at him right now.
"Xion is like a mirror that reflects you." Axel starts, crossing his arms to his chest and I feel weight lifted off of my shoulders. Permission granted.
"You're not making any sense." Roxas says.
"Then make sense of this! Xion is a puppet that replicates your powers! And she's killing you! She doesn't know that she's doing it, but since you stepped foot in Castle Oblivion, she's been draining you. And since he lost his memories, she's been draining Sora!" I scream. Axel quickly grabs my shoulders and yanks me back from where I stand, dangerously close to Roxas, heated as all hell.
"Rueki!" Axel chastises.
"He wants to know the truth, he can fucking have it!" I insist.
"Sora..the connection." Roxas says, though I don't quite understand that. "But…Xion's a person, not a puppet."
"She's a mirror that reflects you. And when I looked in the mirror... It wasn't you I saw." Axel looks apprehensively between Roxas and I, and I feel nauseous. Sora. It's Sora that he saw.
"Xion is Xion. You can't expect her to be me." Roxas wrinkles his nose in disgust. I contemplate reaching out to slap him, maybe it'll knock some sense into him.
"That's not what I mean." Axel shakes his head. "It was only a matter of time before someone broke that mirror."
"You mean, they have to destroy her?" He asks. Axel looks away from him, his hands falling away from my shoulder. I wrap an arm around his waist, securing him, holding him together and in this moment, I am strong enough for both of us. "Answer me!" Roxas shouts.
"If someone doesn't, everything around us is going to fall apart." I shout.
"Nothing is going to fall apart! We're all best friends. The three of us and Xion!" Roxas insists. Dammit, I swear, even Del was never this daft.
"That's not it." Axel heaves a sigh. "You're missing the whole point, Roxas."
"Forget this." Roxas throws his hands up and takes off.
"Better fucking run you little prick!" I shout. Axel jerks me back, his eyes blazing.
"What are you doing?" He asks.
"He's not gonna talk like that to you, all you're trying to do is save him!" I plead. "You had to deal with me doing that the entire time we were in Oblivion, and I was sucking your dick. No one else is ever going to talk to you that way."
"I don't need a guard dog, princess." He says, though I catch a smile, a very thankful one creeping at the corners of his lips.
"I don't care. You've got me. I'm yours, you're mine. If we don't have each other's backs, no matter what, who will?" I ask.
"I love you so much, Rueki." He smiles, every ounce of his anger melting away.
"I love you more."
Roxas doesn't have all of his strength back. He barely says two words to Axel and I, and Xemnas tells everyone that Xion is a puppet. I feel looks of pity on me, looks of disgust. I feel eyes piercing into me but with Axel's hand around mine, I don't care. It is over a year that I have been here now, officially. Roughly a year that we've been sleeping together.
"Should we celebrate an anniversary?" I ask, raising an eyebrow as we stand in the Grey Area one morning.
"A what?" He asks.
"I've been here over a year." I inform him. "We hooked up like right after I got here." I remind him.
"It was like, two weeks after you got here." He laughs, throwing his head back. "I've got it memorized." Absently, he traces my hip, the scar that we both know is on there, the mark that keeps him on my mind, constantly. Well, that among other things.
"You're such a girl." I tease. "All I wanted to do was fuck you. No questions asked."
"Oh come on, who started sleeping in my room?" He asked.
"Only because you made me squirt and I felt bad about you having to be in a wet bed alone." I snort.
"Admit it, you fell for me." He grins.
"Well obviously." I giggle.
"And all because I'm so good in bed."
"Hmm, that one, I'll give you." I wrap my arms around his waist and press my lips to his.
This is when Roxas walks into the room.
"Axel. Rueki." He says. I turn to him, my arms still around my man, his hands resting on my back
"Hey Roxas." Axel says at the same time I say "Sup, kid?"
The three of us look at each other in a way we never have before. With tension lingering, anxiety heavy, hard feelings unable to dissolve.
"Did you find Xion yet?" Roxas asks. I want to tell him that we haven't been looking. That he's an ungrateful little brat, we're choosing his life over hers and he should be grateful. I want to tell him he's stupid if he thinks that Axel and I haven't wrestled with this for months. Instead, Axel speaks.
"You know it isn't gonna be that easy." Axel tries.
"I suppose not…" Roxas says, carefully. "Have you two known about Xion this whole time?"
"No, not the whole time." Axel says vaguely. I catch myself getting heated, yet again. Friend or not, Roxas can watch himself with these accusations.
"Since when then?" He asks.
"Since Xion and I both fainted, that night we were out looking for the imposter. I don't expect you to understand this, but there's a link on our hearts. You, me, Xion, Sora. A witch put it there, a witch that Axel and I met in Castle Oblivion. She altered Sora's memories, none of us stopped her. The Organization's plan was to put him to sleep so that you and Xion would be the only ones in charge of gathering hearts. They don't trust him. But, this witch changed her mind. In the end, she chose to save Sora, but she had to fix his memories first. She can't though, not with Xion alive. Xion keeps intercepting those memorie. And now, she's intercepting your strength too. The night that Xion and I were out, the witch tried to tell me that Sora was in danger because of Xion. I didn't understand, so she linked our hearts, our memories. She can unlink it, but I guess this is probably my punishment for letting this happen to Sora, for being willing to let you and Xion coexist."
"Who is Sora?" Roxas asks. I turn away from him and can practically feel his rage boiling over. "Axel, she won't answer me, so tell me, who am I really? I'm special like Xion, I know that. But the Organization wanted me out of the picture. Am I right?"
"Yeah, they did." Axel sighs. I look to him with wide eyes. "I was never going to follow through on any of those orders, Rueki, and neither were you, we would've left if they pushed us, that's why I never said anything."
"I guess it's 'cause Xion copied my powers, and the Keyblade's powers, and they didn't need me anymore. And Axel, Rueki I guess you felt the same way." Roxas mutters.
"That's a hunk of shit and you know it!" I snap at Roxas. "We're not neglecting Xion because we don't care about her, but Roxas, you matter more! To both of us! You can't both live at the same time, and you're just…" My best friend. The one that pulled me out of the panic attacks I had, the one who defended me against Saix, the one who was smart enough to suggest we all run away.
"You'll always be our best friend." Axel says.
"Best friends are supposed to be honest with each other! Who am I? Xemnas says me and Xion are connected to each other through Sora. You say the same thing, Rueki, but I don't even know a Sora! Am I a puppet like Xion?" Roxas asks.
"No, you're different." I say, flatly.
"Then why d—"
"Finding out the truth doesn't always work out for the best!" Axel cries out in desperation.
"What makes you so sure about that? I have the right to know the truth! How did I even get here? Why am I so special? Where did I learn how to use the Keyblade? I hardly know who I am! What is so wrong with wanting some answers!?" Roxas cries out.
"Roxas…" I heave a sigh, wondering what I can tell him to win him back. Wondering what I can say to keep him and Sora safe. Wondering if there are any words that can salvage this.
"I need to know guys, please, who am I?" Roxas pleads. I look to Axel, who sighs.
"You've just got to trust us, Roxas." He sighs.
"I don't. I can't." I don't know if my heart could possibly snap any faster. I clutch my chest as I think of the night Roxas sat beside me, chatting with me through the night so I wouldn't dream. Of the time I had a panic attack in a cluster of Heartless, and how he fought them off with one hand and comforted me with the other. Am I really going to lose this boy's trust?
But is it really such a bad thing if he hates me, as long as he makes it out? My dearest friend.
"Roxas…" Axel tries, gently.
"Somebody knows where I came from. If I can't get answers here, I'll get them somewhere else. That'll be the person...I trust." Roxas walks out. My blood bubbles, boiling over the edge.
"Fuck you then, if you ever cross my path again, don't even fucking say hello!" My voice echoes in an empty hall. I fall apart right then and there, throwing myself into Axel's arms. I swear, I feel a teardrop hit the top of my head, but when I look up, he won't meet my gaze.
I don't know how long we cling to each other, clutching each other in desperation, trying to keep our broken pieces from crumbling. But suddenly, I sense something.
"Roxas is leaving. He's running away. He's really doing it." I gasp. I can't decide if the kid is selfish or if I should be jealous of me him. "He's at the base of the castle."
"Then we have to go." Axel squeezes my shoulder before opening a portal. We make it just in time for Roxas to walk past us. Rain pounds over my head. Axel puts his hood up, but it all hammers down onto me. In the shorts, bustier and boots, I feel like the real Rueki, not the girl decorated in a cloak that she doesn't belong in.
"Don't go!" I cry out, through the rain. Roxas freezes for a moment, but doesn't look back at us.
"Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know." I know the answer to that, so does Axel, but he's smart, he knows that will only do more damage than good. So I follow his suit and don't say another word about Sora. I've already said too much, as is, I'm sure.
"You can't turn your back on the Organization! You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!" Axel warns.
"Twilight knows they tried to with me!" I call out.
Roxas hesitates a moment and then starts walking again.
"No one would miss me."
"That's not true." I scream, though I know it's no use.
"I would." Axel sighs.
"Me too."